Who Wrote a Short Story That Seriously Disturbed a Teacher? | Dirty Laundry x Smosh [Full Episode]

(drink pouring) (neon sign buzzing) - There are some secrets we take to the grave and others we plaster online for laughs. This is "Dirty Laundry," and I'm your host, Lily Du. Today I am joined by some funny folks from Smosh. We have with us a strawberry daiquiri, Shayne Topp. - Hi. - [Lily] A peach Bellini, Spencer Agnew. - Hello. - [Lily] An apple martini, Tommy Bowe. - Okay. - Puckers. - And a pineapple upside-down cake, Amanda Lehan-Canto. - Thank you. - Here's how the game works. I have a stack of secrets about today's guests, and

they have to guess who each secret belongs to. If it's their own, they should make accusations to try and throw people off their trail. But we could have thrown in a secret about me or our bartender. Hey, Grant, what's today special? - Lily, today's special is a Bloody Mary. - Wow, that is a fat stack of cheese. - [Amanda] Yeah. - Yeah. More dairy. That's what I'm always saying. - All right. Here is how scoring works. You get one point for every time you guess correctly, but if it's your own secret and you fool everyone,

that is three points. Sound good? - [Amanda] Yes. - You've all worked together for a long time now. How well do you think you know each other? - We know each other very well. - Way too much, probably. - Way too well. - Amanda and I host a podcast together, so we've been talking nonstop. - [Amanda] I know Shayne pretty well. - That's the most intimate thing you can do with- - [Shayne] Yeah, absolutely. - [Amanda] That's right. - And Tommy and I are both from Florida. - [Lily] And that's the most- - Also, yeah.

- That's the second most intimate thing you can do. - I'm also from Florida. - But not in the way- - Fake-ass Florida. - [Shayne] Okay, okay. ♪ Swear I'll never lie to you ♪ - First secret. - Oh god, let's get this- - Oh god, get drunk before we start having to use our brains. - This has been intimidating me. - Oh, you gotta use the straw. - [Lily] It is a drink where a piece of celery and a skewer of cheese are about to hit your face at any moment, but- - Whoa! -

First secret. Whose mom asked for their opinion of a penis? (players laughing) - This is literally- - [Amanda] What? - I'm like, unfortunately, it's gotta be Amanda, man. - It's really Amanda-coded. - This is the most... This is mothers with their daughters. - But wouldn't you know more about the penis? Wouldn't they want your opinions more? - If my mom asked me, like, an opinion about a penis, I would kill myself. - [Amanda] Why do I? (players laughing) - It's somewhere on this couch. It's on this couch. - It's death and penis. - You think

that my mom and I are close like that? Also, whose penis is my mom looking at? - Your dad. - Papa's penis. - If my mom sent me my dad's penis, I would kill myself. - How is your relationship with your mother? - It's good, it's fine. It's just not like- - Is it penis good? - It's not penis good. - It's just not, we don't discuss penises. - It's not penis good we say? - [Spencer] Yeah, not penis good. - Or it's not penis bad. - It's not... On a scale of one to penis,

it's one. - Do your mothers have good boundaries? - It's only boundary. - My mom did send me- - There is no... (laughs) - My mom sent me... So she's dating again, and she sent me some of her- (Amanda cheers) Some of her like, conversations from- - She sent me some of their penises. - I don't know what dating app it was. She was like, "How am I doing?" I was like, "Great." - See? - Well, so your mom's dating. - All right, well, that's- - [Amanda] Yeah, what a penis. - Really right up to

the edge of the story. - That's really close to the tip of the penis. - [Amanda] Yeah, exactly. - Yeah. - [Tommy] Yeah. - Your mom's dating? - My mom was dating a lot, but now she's been with the same guy for over 10 years. - And how's his penis? - [Shayne] I don't know. - Good question. - I don't know. (coughs) - All right, let's get our guesses in then. Shayne. - Yeah, I gotta go with Amanda. - Spencer. - Amanda. - Tommy. - I'm gonna also have to go with Amanda. I just feel

it in my core. - Amanda, who's your guess? - Spencer. - Will the person whose mom asked for their opinion of a penis please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I knew it! I knew it! - Well, my mom has no boundaries whatsoever. So we were staying at her beach house, and I walked upstairs, which is like her and her boyfriend are up there, you know, hanging out or doing whatever. And I walk upstairs and he must have just been showering and he was grabbing a towel full

frontal door open. I walked by, I turn and I went... "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Oh my God." - You're an adult, right? - This was last year. Okay, this happened last year. - [Lily] Okay, great. This happened last year. - Yesterday, actually. - Saw everything, saw his penis. And my mom is right there with her door open in the bedroom with her glasses down here. She's reading a book and she goes, "How'd his penis look?" - You gotta be kidding me! - She said- - I'm not even making this up.

"How'd his penis look?" - What did you say? - I wasn't me. I was another version of me. I was so overwhelmed. I just went, "I'm so sorry." And I went into the random closet room that we had right there. - You just found the next door? - Yep, and I shut the door. - How long were you in the closet? - I didn't leave for a long time. - What? - I didn't. I texted my sister and I said, "Come get me. I'm upstairs." - (laughs) Come get me, I'm in the closet? - Come

get me, I'm the house. - [Amanda] Yep! - How'd his penis look? - And then you're... (laughs) Yeah. - The next morning we're all sitting having breakfast. He's watering the tomato plants, these beautiful blossoming tomato plants- - Balls out. - Thrusting. - He's watering his- - He's watering it. I still freak out. He goes, "Hey, I'm sorry if that was awkward for you." And I went, "No, it's fine. You have a great penis. Everything's fine. You look great." - Now you give your opinion? - [Amanda] A great penis. Yep. - To him? - And I

kept saying it, and my little sister who's like, "Why do you keep repeating that he has a great penis?" I go, "I don't know. I don't know." - That's the craziest part. - You are the most insane part of that story now. - I was like, "You have a great penis. Everything's fine. You look great." - Your penis is awesome, dude. No. - You know, just double down. - Yeah. - When you're so stressed out that you just continue. - Oh yeah. - You just go- - And him and I are so cool. We're fine.

But like, I just- - We're so cool, and his penis is so great. (players laughing) - 'Cause how'd his penis actually look? - It was great, it was fine. It was fucking... It was an old man's penis. - [Tommy] Are you okay? - Okay, well, those are two different answers. Great and fine aren't the same thing. - Well he's like, he works out, he's buff. - That does not affect your penis! - What? - [Amanda] Well, it affected- - That says it's not a good penis. - To me it, yeah, maybe not. - All right,

that's- - It's gotta be awesome. - That's points to everyone except Amanda. I forgot that I wrote that. - All right, next secret. Who passed a class because their teacher died? - (laughs) Oh my God! - Oh, that's- - Insane. - That's a secret? Oh God. - That's great. - This is giving me Tommy 'cause Tommy and I are both from Florida. - Right. - [Spencer] And I know this didn't happen to me. - Do teachers die often in Florida? - Yes. - Yes. - [Lily] You're fully acting like every- - Everybody dies in Florida.

- Everybody dies in... - That is a Florida man thing. - Well, yeah, you're right. - To die or to pass a class to- - To die. (laughs) - [Lily] To die. - Tough to pass a class. - We had a teacher in high school who died after we went to college. And then my friend and I told everyone he died in a skydiving accident and everyone believed us. - That's awesome. - And did they pass you for any classes for that? - No, we didn't get any credit of any sort. - See, I never

had any teachers die. You know, I didn't let that happen. - [Lily] Oh, you saved them. - Protected them. - Not on my watch! - You really let them down. (laughs) Yeah, no. - This person did not kill their teacher. Their teacher died. - This person killed their teacher. - Tommy likes death. I also like death. - Yeah. - Where did you go to college? - Yeah, Amanda. - UMass Amherst. - I'm trying to think of what grade you have to be in for that to be allowed, you know? 'Cause in college, that's not gonna

be allowed. - To die? - What, to die? - Well, no, for the teacher to die and then it's like, you know what, you all pass. - That's college behavior through and through to me. - You think that's college behavior? - Oh yeah. - [Amanda] Really? - All right, let's find out. Let's get our guesses in. Who passed a class because their teacher died? - Tommy. - There you go. - All right, Tommy. - I'm going to say Spencer. I think he's been throwing us off. - [Lily] Spencer. - I'm gonna say Tommy. - Okay.

- I'm gonna have to say Tommy. - [Lily] Shayne. - I gotta go with Tommy. - All right. Will the person who passed a class because their teacher died please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - It is me. - Let's go! - Let's go. Let's go. - There's something so inherently Florida about that story. - Yeah, I realized after it was read out loud, I was like, "Oh, that's me." Like, okay, so this was a college class, and I would have failed this class if this teacher didn't die. Okay, so basically, he

basically was a two-semester class. There was film studies one, film studies two, - You were about to fail film studies? (cast laughing) - Right. Hey, I was barely doing college anyway. - What is a movie? Not sure. - So I went in for this, the first semester class. I went in first day and he was like, "History isn't real. Time doesn't exist. Everything influences each other." And I was like, "Oh my fucking..." - And then he started coughing. - And he showed a four-hour, split between two classes, movie, where things are just on top of

each other. So it's just like visual and audio chaos. And he was like, "That's what history is." And I was like, "I'm never coming back." - That explains so much about you. - Right. Did those two classes. I was like, "I'm never coming back to this class." 'Cause there was no homework. It was just a final. So I was like, "I'll get my notes from someone and then I'll take the final" and then I'd never have to go to this class. And so the day of the final came, and I did not know when that

was. (laughs) And so I get a text and they're like, "Where the hell are you? The final is right now." And I was like, "Oops." So I just missed the class, missed the final, and I was trying to get ahold of him. I'm like, you know, I was sick. I got a fake note or whatever. And I got a call the day grades were due. And he was like, "Thomas?" I was like, "Yeah." He's like, "You know what, I'll give you an A." So I never went to that class. I never took the final and

I got an A. But there's a second semester of the same bullshit. So I walk in second semester, first day of class, he plays the same fucking film! And then I came back the next class. I'm like, "Well, I'm not gonna get lucky this time where he just gives me an A for not showing up to class." - Wow. - And I showed up to the next class. He wasn't there because he was dead. - Oh my God! - And then we had a new teacher come in who was like, "When was the camera invented?

It was invented in..." And I was just like, "I can remember that shit!" And then I got a B! - It sounds like your first teacher was already easy. - Yeah. - [Lily] He didn't need to die. - No, this guy- - You did worse with the dead teacher. - [Tommy] Yeah. - Did the new teacher have to tell you guys that he died? - Yes, yes, absolutely. And we were all kind of like, "Yeah, that makes sense." - All right, that is points for everyone except Tommy. - Yep. - Yeah. - Got you. -

[Tommy] Congratulations. - Next secret. - Thank you. - Who introduced their partner to their situationship so they could be friends? - You know, it immediately, I'm not thinking it's you or I. I don't know. Dating life. - What are you trying to say? Spencer doesn't date? - You don't think it's yourself? - You gotta be dating a lot, and I'm like, I think these people dated far more than you and I think. - Yeah! - Yes! - So you guys are a couple of virgin losers? - Yeah. - Yes, right. - We're a couple whores

and they're a couple virgins. - That is literally we, yeah. - Who introduced their partner? This is implying that they're very like, kumbaya, like that they would want to combine partner and situationship. I would, if I had to, I would keep 'em apart. - So this means like, maybe they were open partner- - I think it's Grant. - But he would have to have a partner and not just a situationship. - [Amanda] You could have just... - [Lily] If you introduce a bunch of situationship. - Downed that Bloody Mary. - Damn! - [Amanda] He's adding

more. - Back up on that- - Oh my god! - Did you put a jerky in there with that beef? - Well- - Yeah. No, it's crazy. And I didn't have time to chew it before I grabbed the beef. - [Tommy] Yeah, you gotta whet your palate. - Yeah, here we are. - I still don't even know the full definition of a situationship. - You know, I'm honestly not sure either. That's old. - It's a newer term I'm hearing nowadays. - I think it's just before there's an actual- - [Tommy] Label. - Label. - Okay.

- Sorry. That's every person I've dated. - So literally- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, actually I've been- - Sorry, actually- - A lot of people. We called it someone that we were hooking up with, but they said that they just wanna be friends, but we can't- - Yeah, now the younger people have come up with a punchier term. - So it's, friends with benefits is now a situationship. - Yeah. - [Tommy] Kind of. - No, no. - No 'cause you might not even- - We don't have time. We don't have time! - That's why I

think it's Grant. That's why I think it's Grant. He's fucking- - Look at this. - Losing it. - Was it at the same time? Like, was it the situationship meeting the girlfriend from a previous, like- - Oh, that's true. Their partner, I don't know if it's current partner or ex. - Oh! - People who are friends with their exes. - [Amanda] Oh, I have that. - Couldn't be me. - I have that. - My exes are all afraid of me. - Same! - All right, let's get our guesses in. Spencer, who's your guess? - Grant.

- Tommy. - I think it's my man grant over there. - [Lily] Shayne. - You know what, you've said everything contrary to it, but I'm gonna say it's you. - [Amanda] Ooh. - [Shayne] Why not? - [Lily] Amanda? - Grant. - These Smosh people really think it's not on them. They really think it's on us. Well, will the person who introduced their partner to their situationship so they could be friends, please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Damn, that's crazy, bro. - [Tommy] Whoa! - [Amanda] what? - What the hell? - Wait.

- Wow, wow, wow. - Three points to Spencer. - I got y'all. - God! - Damn! - We called you a virgin loser. - Yeah. Y'all missed that era. - Who said that? That's mean. A couple of virgin losers. - Yeah, so I had a lot of situationships, you know, and I was juggling like, multiple and like, you know, it was like overwhelming, but then I finally settled down. - Overwhelming? How many is that? - The hell is going on here? I don't know all these stories. - Even like seeing two people at the same

time is like, the most overwhelming shit in the world for me. - I believe that. - So, and then I started actually dating someone and then, you know, she was like kind of asking about like, you know, my life. And I was like, oh, like, you know, like, you know, I was like, "This is like one of my friends. Like, you know, we were hooking up in the past, but like, you know, that's like behind us." And I was like, "You know what? I think they'd be great friends." So I took her to the restaurant.

- Okay. - And I hadn't told the situationship about the fact that I was like, fully dating this girl, and I was like- - How recently had the situationship ended before you brought the person you were fully dating? - Maybe a month or two. - Come on. - Spencer. - [Spencer] That's why it's an embarrassing story. - [Lily] Okay, okay, continue. - So I went in, you know, I went with like my roommate and my girlfriend at the time 'cause she'd been like, "Oh, like, come to my restaurant, come to my restaurant." And I did,

and you know, I brought the girlfriend and I was like- - Yeah, come to the restaurant. You, the person I'm hooking up with. Not you and your girlfriend. - Yeah, yeah. I kind of just went like, I kinda- - Your girlfriend and your roommate to your situationship's restaurant? - Yeah, look, I was there, like, it was, I don't know who said kumbaya earlier, but that was kinda my mentality. I was like, "Look, like, these are all cool people. Like, why wouldn't they all just be friends?" Like, you know. - Aw. - And I'm like at

like the center of it. - You're a nice guy. - Yeah. And I learned that you can't, one, you can't end a situationship by just kinda going radio silent. - Oh, you ghosted her too? - You ghosted her. - No, no, I hadn't ghosted, but it's just like, you know, you just stop like, hanging out. - I love that you thought they'd be best friends. - Here's the thing, they became friends. - How long did they stay friends with you? - Still friends with both of them. - You've gotta understand Spencer is a really chill

dude. - I think like, unfortunately- - He is such a sweetie, but wow. - Yeah, no, I've grown a lot since then. - Can I ask, are you swinging incredible pipe? - No, yeah, great penis. - Great penis. - How penis look? - Great penis. - All right, that is three points to Spencer. - [Amanda] Wow. - [Tommy] Wow. - Damn it! - Next secret. Who got asked out by a celebrity and their son on the same night? - That could be so many things. - Who's the hottest father and son combination you guys can

all... - Ooh. - Ooh. - Denzel Washington and his son are both- - Very hot, very hot. - Both very famous. - That would be two- - Both successful, famous. - This is something that you would probably have happened to you 'cause you also got asked out by a prince at one point. (Spencer gasps) - [Lily] Did you get asked out? - That was my sister. - That was your sister. - That was my two truths one lie that we play on Smosh. - Yeah. - My sister got asked out by the Prince of Monaco

and she was like, "Absolutely not!" And my mom was like, "But dinner." - I just feel like- - We could go to a castle. - What about you though, Lily? - I'm not approachable. I'm... (Grant laughing) - [Amanda] Wait, what? - I'll simply say that. - Really? - I'm being nice to you 'cause this is my job, but if you saw me normally, you would not talk to me. - Wow. - You're not talking to me. Not 'cause I'm not nice. I'm just not approachable. - Maybe I'm too approachable because now I have to, at

airports, I have to be like, headphones in, do not talk to me. - I get recognized a lot for Smosh stuff. I do. But it's usually like, it's like 25-year-old dudes and I'll be like- - And their dads. - Be like, "Dude!" - And that's the best. - Yeah. - I get approached by old women in grocery stores to grab stuff off shelves for them. - See, that doesn't happen to me. - All right, let's get our guesses in. Tommy, who do you think? - Something about this makes me feel like it happened to Shayne.

- Shayne, who do you think? - I'm gonna go with Amanda. - [Lily] Amanda, who do you think? - I think it's Shayne. - Spencer. - I think it's you. You shut it down too fast. - Ooh. - If you see me out in the world, don't approach me. All right, will this person who was asked out by a celebrity and their son on the same night, please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Mother- - Damn it! - [Grant] Wow, wow! - Wow. - Wow. - Damn it! I knew it, too! -

I was bartending. - Yep, got it. - Bartend. - [Amanda] I was bartending, and I worked like a private party. And the celebrity is (beep). - Cutie. - [Amanda] Went up to me and was just like, very chill. - That's awesome. - He wasn't creepy. I didn't feel creeped out or weirded out. He was very funny. But he had his whole family there, and he had his son there. We did the dinner, it was great. And the whole family walks out and (beep) comes up to me and was like, "Hey, I left my phone number

on, you know, the tab, just so you know, I'd love to take you out sometime and have a dinner." And I was like... - That is such a nice passive way 'cause it doesn't put you on the spot. - Yes. It was so nice. And like honestly, I didn't feel weirded out. I was like, "That's so nice." And he walked away. And of course the whole restaurant is like, while he's talking to me. He comes up to me, the whole restaurant's like... (panting) And then he goes outside and I thought they were gone. And his

son must have been going to the bathroom, and he circles the bar and comes back around to me. He's like, "Hi, um, I wrote my number on my card. Here you go. I'd love to take you out." And I was like- - Have you been flirting with him too? No interaction. - Not as smooth as his dad. - Yeah. - To be completely honest, I felt like he was a little particular, like a little like, 'cause we had like 70 beers on tap. He was like a little bit bratty, like didn't really like anything I

was bringing him. And I was like, "Ugh." When he asked me out, I was like... - No. - Mm. Thank you. - Can I tell you this? I have also bartended for this particular celebrity in this story. He is a cocksucker. He is a motherfucker. (Amanda laughing) I hate that guy. He was a regular. - [Amanda] Wait- - He came in a bunch at a restaurant I worked at. - Was it Joe's in- - Fuck you, (beep). Suck my dick. - This is awesome! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - [Lily] We're leaving all this-

- [Amanda] Wait, this is fucking- [Grant] Oh, he was rude, rude, rude. He was a bad guy. - Yeah, 'cause he didn't wanna fuck you! - He didn't wanna fuck me. He wanted to send everything fucking back. - Wow! - [Lily] Wow. - [Grant] Fuck you! - Did you go on a date with father or son? - I went on a date with father, the cocksucker. - Wow! Well, he's a cocksucker. - I went on a date with him and didn't wanna do anything with him and he was like, "Got it." And we kinda talked

about it. I was like, "I just wanna hear your stories. I just wanna chat." - So there was no follow up. - And we hugged at the end. No, I made it very clear. I was- - Well, that's what broke him. - He's too old, in my opinion, for me. - [Lily] How was his penis? - Yeah, oh, that 50-year-old hitting on a 24-year-old bartender was possibly a bad guy? - How old were you at the time? - I was like 26. - Okay. - Was the son way more age appropriate? - Yeah. - All

right, that is one point to Shayne. - Wow. - Wow. - And that is it for round one. We are gonna take a quick break. - [Amanda] Oh. - [Tommy] Oh my goodness. - In the meantime, hey Grant, what are we drinking? (lively upbeat music) - Today's drink is a Bloody Mary, and a Bloody Mary is a celebration of excess. Who knows what might happen after we've enjoyed one of these. As part of excess, the Bloody Mary has 1 billion ingredients so you don't have to use all of this. This is your Bloody Mary. I'm

gonna show you mine. I want you to find your own. So, I'm starting with two ounces of vodka. I'm also going to add four ounces of tomato juice. That's gonna make that base. Next comes the crazy stuff. Every ingredient I add is going to take us a little bit away from center and then I'm gonna bring it back with another ingredient. I'm going to add a tablespoon of lime juice, a tablespoon of lemon juice, a teaspoon of horseradish, a teaspoon of hot sauce, plus or minus another half teaspoon, depending on how spicy you like it.

A teaspoon of maple syrup. Next, I'm reaching for my umami bombs. Half a teaspoon of soy sauce, half a teaspoon of fish sauce, half a teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce. A big pinch of nutritional yeast. A big pinch of sea salt. And I'm going to set this drink aside because now, time to go to work on our glass. Remember what I said. Excess. I want you to put everything you can find on this drink. If it tastes good with tomatoes, it's fair game. (lively upbeat music) And what the fuck, a piece of bacon. To that, right

over the ice, I'm going to pour our Bloody Mary. (lively upbeat music) And I'm going to say to you, remember, excess is underrated. Here we have the Bloody Mary. (lively upbeat music) ♪ Swear I'll never lie to you ♪ - And we're back. Let's recap the scores. We have Amanda with one point. - Yay! - [Lily] Tommy with one point. - [Tommy] Thank you. - Nice to meet you. - [Lily] Shayne with three points. - Oh. - [Lily] And Spencer with five points. - [Tommy] Fuck you. - [Amanda] What? - Next secret. Who believed they

would grow wings? - Aw. - (laughs) Oh no! - [Amanda] This is so cute. - [Tommy] That's so cute. - It feels kinda like you a little bit. - I think it's dumb as hell, whoever did this. I think it's fucking stupid. - Okay. - Whoever did this. - I would normally say this would be something like Amanda. - Yeah. - [Shayne] 'Cause you're famous for being like, "Oh, when I was young, I would go out and talk to trees." - Yep. - But I don't think it's you. - Doesn't every kid kinda want superpowers,

magic powers? - I wanted wings, but I didn't think it would happen. - Like to believe that it would happen is another level. - Spencer always throws me off. He keeps saying like- - [Lily] They would grow wings. - I feel like also this could be you, Tommy. - No (players laughing) - Damn! - Well, that settles that. - Anyone grow up in a kinda Christian angelic kind of... - Oh, you think it's an angel thing? - [Lily] I don't know. - Maybe it's Shayne. - Shayne's a wholesome good little guy. Maybe he was like,

"Hey, I'm gonna grow wings." - Yeah. - Oh boy. I can't wait to grow wings. - You know what, I'm gonna fly far away from you. I think it's either Tommy or Shayne. - Are we not? Hello, there's two others. - I wanted magical power so bad the way that all those stories work, which is that when you're 11 years old, you get like a letter or you find out like in "Sailor Moon" or "Harry Potter." But then once that age passes and it hasn't happened, you're like, fuck! - Fuck you. - 'Cause I didn't

get picked to have magic. - And I wanted to see the Sun so I made these wings of wax and suddenly they didn't work anymore. - Let's get our guesses in. Spencer, who do you think? - I'm gonna say Tommy. - Tommy, who do you think? - I think it was you, Lily. - Amanda, who do you think? - I think it's you, Lily. - Shayne, who do you think? - I think it's you. - Will the person who believed they would grow wings please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) Cheers to you.

- Cheers. - Whoa! - [Tommy] It was you! - This guy's stupid as hell. - Yeah, you're so dumb. - Dumb! - This guy's dumb as hell. - Wait, that's so cute. - [Lily] This man is delusional. - And it's only a basic explanation of how insane this is. When I was in second grade, I remember this, this went over the, this wasn't just like a day of thinking I would grow wings. This was like a month of talking to my friends about how this was gonna happen. - Oh. - I was scientific, but I

was also really dumb. - [Tommy] Yes. (laughs) - And so I thought, you know, caterpillars, they cocoon themselves into like a whole thing. And then when they emerge, they have wings. So I thought by that logic, why can't it work for me too? (Amanda gasps) - Why, indeed? - [Shayne] So I was telling my friends about how- - Why indeed, a completely different species. - I was telling my friends about how I was gonna like, create a cocoon for myself. - Oh. - [Shayne] And then when I emerged, I would have wings and I'd transform,

I'd evolve. I was also really into Pokemon at the time. - This feels like the best like, children's story. - [Amanda] This is so cute. Wait. - Did you execute it? Did you try? - Yeah, how- - I planned it all out. - Execute? - I distinctly remember walking into the kitchen and telling my mom who's just doing shit, she's exhausted. - She's like, "Jesus Christ." - [Shayne] And I'm like, mom- - Like, "My son is stupid as hell." - I remember- - [Lily] I got so much work. - I remember being like, "Mom, I'm

gonna go shut the door. I'm gonna make a cocoon and then I'm gonna have wings." And so I'm letting her, my mom was like, "That's awesome, all right." - Drinks her alcohol in the morning. - No fully, I don't think she looked at me. I think she was like, "That's great." - What was your cocoon made out of? - So I tried to make it outta construction paper. Now- - No! - Here's where it all fell apart was, it's really hard to enshroud yourself with construction paper and tape it all together and have it be

sealed around you. So I think I, at a certain point was just kind of like- - That's why it didn't work. - A bunch of construction paper around me. - You're like, "This is never gonna work!" - I do remember being extremely bummed that it wasn't gonna happen. - [Amanda] Aw. - Were you nervous? Were you like, "Oh, this is gonna be"- - Yeah, 'cause I was like, dude, I- - But what if it does work? - 'Cause it's that moment where it's like, "Okay, is this the moment where I'm special?" - And then no,

you're a fucking nobody. - Oh, I guess I'll be an improviser. - What was the moment where you were like, "All right, it's not happening"? - I think I tried to convince myself after that it was like, gonna be a slow process. (Spencer laughing) - Oh! - [Shayne] That it would... Maybe I'd wake up the next day and it would take effect. - Yeah. - That's three points to Shayne. - Congratulations. - [Tommy] Damn. - Next secret. Who exited a car on the highway because they hated the driver's music? - Aw. - (laughs) That's awesome.

- This feels, oh my God. - This feels like you. - Yeah. - You would do that. I'm not saying it's you, but I'm saying you would do that. - [Amanda] I feel like- - I've cultivated a strong hateful energy, and I love that. - See, this is something I wish I'd done. - I feel like this feels like also Tommy or Grant. - Who's very particular about their music, I'll say? - Tommy. - I think not Shayne. - People know I'm like- - Shayne's like, "Oh." - [Shayne] I'm getting into music this year. -

[Lily] Yeah. - Unironically, that. - [Tommy] Getting into- - He didn't get wings, but he got music. - Particular about your music? - Yes. - Yes. I think Spencer is pretty particular about music. - [Spencer] I'm very particular about my music, but I don't have that conviction. - Grant, would you go out on the highway? - Yeah, I mean, if someone was playing the LaChiusa version of "The Wild Party" instead of the Lippa version of "The Wild Party," I'd lose my shit. - [Tommy] And we all know that. - I don't know what that means.

- We're all aware of what that is. - Let's get our guesses in. Who exited a car on the highway? Amanda? - Spencer. - Spencer. - Tommy. - [Lily] Tommy? - Spencer. - Shayne? - I'm gonna go with Tommy. - Will the person who exited a car on the highway because they hated the driver's music please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Cheers. - Thank you. - I knew it! I knew it! - [Lily] Wow. - Wow! - Oh my- - I know you remember the song. - What highway was it? -

Florida man exits car. - So it's a little less dramatic, but I still did exit a car on a freeway. We were at a standstill in traffic. So it's not like I like went- - Still. - [Grant] You didn't tuck and roll. - Like, tumbled out. So I was dating a guy for his car in college. - [Lily] For his car? - What? For what the fuck? - I didn't have a car, and I wanted to go around. - Great car! - [Lily] For the transportation. - [Amanda] Oh, just for the car. - I needed

to not be stuck on campus. - [Lily] Yeah. - Car. - We dated and there's this musical that this kid was obsessed with. - [Spencer] What was it? - It's called "Caroline, or Change." And he wanted me- - Tony Kushner wrote it. - Yes, correct. It is a musical that is one of those where the whole play, the whole musical is all music. There's no, it's like 50 tracks long. But one of the actors in the official cast recording is a small child, and his fucking voice is like... ♪ Caroline, I wanna think I'm not

♪ Okay, now put yourself in this position. - That is what all musical theater sounds like to me. - Same. So you're stuck in a car for like an hour on this freeway stuck in this traffic hearing... ♪ Mama, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ - With this guy you don't even like. - With this guy I don't like. - [Lily] You're dating for car. - I just need his car. So I'm in the passenger seat, and my best friend on the fucking planet is in the backseat. And I turned around and I'm like,

"We gotta get outta here." We looked out and there was like a TGI Fridays across the street and we were both like- - [Amanda] Of course. - We were like, "Fuck it. Let's go to TGI Fridays." So we get out of the car on the freeway and we're like, "Hi, thanks for not running us over." And we go into TGI Fridays, go to the back of the bathroom, order a little fry, get a little fry, come back out. Hey, guess who's still on the freeway? We didn't even think about how to get home 'cause we

were like, "Fuck this. Can't go back in there." But then we were like, "Well, it would be easier to just get back in the car." And he was just like 40 feet up. - Did he change the music? - Holy shit! - He did. I gathered the courage to be like, "You can never play this music ever again." - Oh my god. He was just sitting there wondering why you left. - He knew. Did he know why you left? - It doesn't matter. - Oh, I'm gonna take my boyfriend on a lovely day out. Oh,

he wants his best friend to come. I guess that's fine. It's a good chance for me to show him my favorite music. - [Amanda] Aw. - I bet he's really gonna like it. Hey, where'd they go? - I mean, this is like, you're on a long car ride and you're playing heavy, like, emotional, like... It's like, this isn't- - It's a long car ride. A musical will be perfect 'cause there's a plot. I think they're going to enjoy it. - I love that he's playing him. - Don't you justify him! - I love it. -

So you you got back in the car and he was okay with that? - Yeah, I mean, he said very horrible things to me when we broke up, so. - I'm at a vulnerable stage. I just came out. - Don't do this. (cast laughing) Don't do this - Don't do this. - [Tommy] Don't do this to me. (cast laughing) - Do it! - That's rough, buddy. (cast and crew laughing) - Don't do this. - All right, he has a point. All right. Broken Grant is right twice a day. All right, points to Shayne and Spencer.

- [Tommy] Nice. Congrats, boys. - Next secret. - [Amanda] Boys. - Who told their kindergarten teacher she had nice boobs? (Grant sputter laughs) (crew laughing) - Okay. - So, previously I would not have said Shayne, but having, knowing the- - [Amanda] The wings. - The metamorphosis of it all. - [Lily] Yeah. - [Shayne] What? - I don't think Shayne would do that. I don't think... Not that it's wrong. I mean, well, okay. I just don't see Shayne saying this- - Yeah, check yourself. - I was a very quiet kid. - I can see this being

Spencer or Shayne. - See, Spencer I could see. - [Amanda] I think it's Spencer. - I could see you doing it. - [Amanda] I think it's Spencer. - What were you like as a child? 'Cause I cannot imagine it. - Uh... - [Tommy] Just about the same. - You had this beard. - [Spencer] The exact same. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, no, I was pretty introverted. - And who had the anatomical awareness in kindergarten? - Yeah, Tommy. - To be able to rate nice or bad boobs. - [Amanda] Tommy. - Oh, the bows don't

look or touch or look at their bodies so we're fine. - I played the trombone in fifth grade and- - [Lily] Okay, suspicious. - At one point- - Okay. - And I went up and I was like, I'm like, "I'm Spencer and I'm a tromboner." And everyone laughed. - Okay, it's definitely you. - Everyone laughed. - [Tommy] Yeah, this is- - And I like, truly didn't get it. Truly like, was like just so embarrassed. - And Spencer and I am a tromboner. - [Spencer] Yeah. - It's either you or Grant. - What? My teachers all

had terrible tits. (cast laughing) - Oh my. - That's why I feel like Grant at that age would be like, "Mm-mm." - All right, let's get our guesses in. Spencer. - Metamorphosis boy over here. - Amanda. - Grant. - Grant. No, no, don't guess, don't guess. Shayne. - I'm gonna go with Grant 'cause I think he thought it was funny. - [Lily] Tommy. - Spencer. - Will the person who told their kindergarten teacher she had nice boobs please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Shayne. - Are you fucking serious? - [Grant] What

a pig. - [Amanda] Are you fucking serious? - Does not respect women. - [Lily] Wow. - Both times I was thinking, "This is a Shayne thing," and then I don't believe myself. - What? - You know, like all of us, I have intrusive thoughts, but when I was really little, there would be just times where I would be like, "Wouldn't it be crazy if I said this thing or did this thing?" And I would just be like... And I was out on the playground. Our teacher was playing kickball. She was wearing like, kindergarten teacher clothing.

Like nothing... - She was running full speed though. - And her boobs looked amazing! - There was no, visually there was nothing that started that statement. Like, it was just something I was thinking like, "What if I said that to her?" (Spencer laughing) And I'm a good distance away. I would say like, I'm- - You shouted "Nice tits" at your kindergarten teacher? - I didn't say, "Nice tits." - [Tommy] Yo! - Me, kindergarten teacher, "Hey, nice tits, lady!" - [Tommy] Yo, lady! - I saw something, so I wouldn't- - I put on my construction helmet.

- No, he still, he had the pinwheel hat at the top. - I remember she kicked the kickball, and it just kinda came out and I just go, "Nice boobs!" And I immediately was just like... - No! - And then she just goes, "What'd you say?" She walks right over to me. My other friend is standing right there 'cause he must have been like, "This is awesome. Like, I gotta be here." She comes up and she goes, "What did you say?" And my friend's right there and I just go, "Nice kick?" (cast laughing) - You're

an idiot. - Smooth as hell, dude. - [Lily] Nice. - And then she's like, "No, I heard what you said. What did you say?" And I was like, "Nice boobs." And I remember my friend being like, "Oh!" - Right, classic. - Dude. - Stop. - And then I get home and my mom is like, "What did you do?" And my brothers and my dad were all just like. (exhales sharply) (cast laughing) - [Amanda] What? I cannot picture you doing that. I, yeah, I- - You get the impulse. - I never, it wasn't, I had no

idea. I truly had no idea. - It's like when kids are like, "That woman's ugly!" - It was not a sexual thing at all. I mean, another- - Does this not feel brought to you by the same guy who thought he could grow wings? - Yes. It does. - Well, it feels brought to you by the same mom who two years later is like, "Just go to your room"- - Yeah, I will confess something. This was, it was many years after. I thought everybody had penises. (players laughing) - Shayne! - I finally confessed that. -

[Lily] White man. - I'm still always checking. - [Amanda] For a white man. - I had no idea when I was a little kid. Nobody was telling me stuff. - Right. - Wait, you thought we all had penises and boobs? - I was over here thinking I could grow wings. You think I understand human anatomy at all? - How'd that penis look? - How'd that penis look? - [Lily] How'd that penis look? - And you know what, I learned that it's not the right thing to say. - All right, that is a point to Spencer.

- Nice. - [Lily] Continuing in teacher stories- - Nice, fine. Whatever. - Who wrote a short story that seriously disturbed their teacher? - This could be truly any of us. - Who is disturbed as- - Well. - You were whimsical. - From the twisted mouth. - And harassing, but... - [Amanda] Wow. - (laughs) Who was disturbed? - I think the three most disturbed people here are me, Grant, and Spencer, so. - Well, every time I guess Grant, it's not right. And so I'm gonna go with my gut. I'm gonna go with you, Tommy. - All

right, let's get our guesses in then. Amanda. - Tommy. - Tommy. - I'm gonna say Grant. - Spencer. - Tommy. - Shayne. - Here's the thing. I'm leaning towards Tommy, but I'm gonna say you. - Will the person whose teacher grew concerned after they wrote a disturbing short story, please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - [Grant] Wow, wow! - No way! - Goddamn it! - [Tommy] I didn't trust myself again! - So, I was in college, and I was doing a bunch of writing classes. - [Shayne] College. - Damn. - It was

a college creative writing class. It was like an upper level kind of like, and I thought I cooked with the short story. I had been reading a lot of like, Bret Easton Ellis and like Chuck Palahniuk. I was like, I fancy myself an edgy writer, you know? Like, you know, we're not using like, quotation marks for dialogue. - Guys who write for guys. - It was like, admittedly, like a kind of dark story. The story was about this college student, a self-insert. And he went to this party and like, all this really fucked-up stuff is

happening around him. And he's just like, "Whoa." Like, you know, like it was kind of his inaction that was disturbing. And the teacher like, read through all of them and she was like, "Hey Spencer, like, you know, I'd love to talk to you about your short story, like in my office, like sometime later." - Did you think it was like, she loved my writing? - That's exactly what I thought. So I was like- - Oh. - I was like, "Oh my god. She loved it." Like, she wants- - She's gonna submit it. - I was

like, "Oh my god. Like, this is it." Like, I always thought I could write, like, and now it's finally being proved. - Fuck. - Oh no. - And I like, I remember like, I remember I like, put on like, nice clothes and I went and sat. (players laughing) I sat down in her office and she was like, and the first thing she said was like, "Are you okay?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah." Like, I was like... And like basically she thought, like, she was like, "I just wanna make sure you're not a danger to

yourself or others after reading this story." I was like- - [Shayne] Oh my god. - This was a wellness check. This was kinda like- - That's kinda flattering, actually. - An official like, wellness check. - You got there all steam- - [Spencer] Yeah. - What were you wearing that was dressed up? - Tuxedo? - I remember, I think it was like a cardigan. - [Grant] Good god. - Okay, so library. - You dressed as a therapist for your wellness check? - Yeah, yeah, so I assured the teacher I was okay. And instead of becoming a

writer, I joined Smosh. - (laughs) Aw. (Tommy clapping) - How did the rest of the semester go with that class? - You know, I think I toned it down a little on my writings. I think I- - [Shayne] He goes to a party and it's kinda cool. - It's kinda regular. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, that is another three points to Spencer. - [Tommy] Jesus Christ! - For being disturbed. - Spencer is winning. - [Lily] Last secret. - So fucked up, dude. - Who terrified their friends with fruit? It's a very vague secret. -

Tommy. - That's Tommy. - [Lily] Who? (Tommy shouts) - Which one of you scares your friends the most, do you think? - I do love to prank, but I don't really do that anymore 'cause I get really worked up about the response. - I was gonna say, I don't prank people, but I've really only pranked Amanda. - I was gonna say, we've pranked Amanda a good amount. - Yeah, we just pranked you. - You guys prank me a lot. - [Lily] With fruit? - No, just with stuff 'cause Amanda- - I'm not a gamer. -

Amanda is chronically- - [Shayne] Amanda hasn't used the internet for- - She wasn't online from 2009 to 2023. - 'Cause I was living my life outside. - Going on dates. - She didn't know about Harambe. - There's only one of us wearing fruit right now. - And she did diagnose us with fruits for our- - [Tommy] And it's scary as fuck. - And it's terrifying. - [Amanda] That's true. - She did say I'm a strawberry daiquiri. - She did say I am a pineapple upside down. - Was I an apple martini? - Apple martini. -

[Lily] Apple martini. - Pretty gay. - Wait, this feels very Shayne. Didn't he have like, a whole banana thing going on for a while? (laughs) - He did have the banana thing. - [Tommy] He did have the banana thing. - Yeah, how's that dick looking? - (laughs) Yeah, dick look. - How's that banana doing? - [Lily] How that banana look? - How does it look? - Let's get our guesses in. Who terrified their friends with fruit? Shayne? - Tommy? - Spencer? - Dada. (ice clinks) - Tommy? - You. - Amanda? - Tommy. - Will the

person who terrified their friends with fruit, please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Aw! - Wait! - [Tommy] What? - [Lily] That's three- - [Shayne] It makes a lot of sense. - ...points for Amanda. Tell us what happened. - Me and one of my best friends that we did comedy together forever, we were like, writing a script and we were like, "We need to take a break. We need to take a break. Do you wanna do something fucking weird?" We decided to prank our friends with edible arrangements. - That's awesome. - I'd

love to get pranked with edible arrangements. - So we would send them an edible arrangement and then send them a full written-out card, but never who it's from. - Oh, okay. - And the card was not creepy, but it was also- - No, that makes it creepy. - They literally almost called the cops. One thought it was from her schizophrenic dad. So we were like- - Well, that's some context to know. - From one edible arrangement? - From one edible arrangement. One of them took the edible arrangement and threw it, the whole thing in the

trash. (laughs) - Jesus! - What was the content of the notes? - The cards, all they did was one was like, "Get well soon." It was like, "Hey honey." Like, "Sorry that you broke your leg hiking on that"- - Did they? - No! "On the mountain. Really, really miss you. I hope that we can go to Machu Picchu this year. I bought tickets." - Oh. - [Amanda] Random shit. Literally almost called the cops, and we had to confess that it was us 'cause our plan was to never confess that it was us. - How did

you know? 'Cause you guys are really close that- - Well, one of our friends texted us and being like, "Hey, guys." We're on a group text. She was like, "I have a bat by my door because someone wants to go to fucking Machu Picchu and break my leg." (laughs) - How much is an edible arrangement? - Expensive as fuck! - Like $50! - That's crazy. That is so crazy to me that you would spend that much money on a prank that you can't even be there to witness. - We weren't even there! - You can't

even watch their expression. - [Amanda] We weren't there- - To throw it away is crazy. Like, if I got a really scary edible arrangement, even if it said- - [Amanda] It wasn't scary. - Even if it said like, "I'm gonna kill you," I'd be like, "Well, I'm gonna eat the fruit." - I will say, it is scary when something's addressed to you and you didn't order it 'cause it has like, your home and it's in your home. - Yeah, it's- - And it feels very violating. I once got an Amazon package and I opened it

and it just had like a trucker hat that said like, "I love tacos" on it. And I was like, "Someone's stalking me. Somebody wants to kill me." - Oh. - And then I forgot that I had played an episode of "Game Changer" where we like, threw prizes into a basket and I had won a hat that says, "I love tacos." - There's your mistake. Don't do fucking "Game Changer." - Don't do fucking "Game Changer." - Listen, we did not realize how bad an edible arrangement could go. - It's closing time. Let's look at our final

scores. We have Amanda with four points. - Way to go. - Whoo! - [Lily] Tommy with one point. - Oh my god, what? - What? (laughs) - That's me, baby. - [Lily] Incredible. Shayne with seven points. - Nice! - [Lily] And Spencer with 10 points, which means- - Come on. - [Lily] Today's winner is Spencer. - Yes! - Yeah! - Grant, tell him what he's won. - Lily, Spencer is getting a "Dirty Laundry" apron. - [Lily] Ooh! - Whoa! - What? - There's an actual prize! - There's a prize for the twisted mind of Spencer

Agnew. That's it for "Dirty Laundry." I've been your host, Lily Du. Here's hoping you become a regular! - Whoo! - Bye! (neon sign buzzing) (chill music) (chill music continues) (chill music fades)