in order to sleep with someone else my wife requires a hall pass denying her according to her will validate my insecurities and male toxicity am I erroneous here I've been married to my wife since 2001 and we were first acquainted in 1999 she is the most considerate loyal clever and kind person I have ever known and I have always considered myself lucky to have married her she is even today aesthetically beautiful and men have told her this throughout our marriage she has always shot them down earlier this year she was diagnosed with uterine cancer stage
one and had a full hysterectomy I was never concerned about the cancer it was diagnosed early dealt with quickly and she made a full recovery I took time off work to look after her after the surgery and all seemed well there were some to be expected emotional instances on her part and although I am not an emotional person we dealt with them together after her recovery she was insistent that we start living life to the fullest and took a 10-day trip to Europe followed by a trip to bise later in the year we will also
be visiting Portugal Spain and the United Kingdom making memories and checking off experiences off our bucket list whether they be for her or us is fine with me I also realize that she's feeling vulnerable which is why these are she also started taking classes in healthy cooking yog yoga and swimming I was fully on board until last week last week she came home from work and told me she wanted a hall pass a one-time opportunity for her to sleep with someone else besides me she said that since her cancer diagnosis her outlook on life has
changed and she doesn't want to be handcuffed from doing things she wants to do she explained that there is this guy at her work that she has always had some attraction to he is leaving the company and she will never see him again so this is the perfect opportunity to sleep with someone else she said that I could say no of course but that she would be mad and disappointed at me for an indeterminate amount of time and that it would be confirmation of my male toxicity and insecurity I don't consider myself to be toxic
and if not wanting your wife of 20 plus years to sleep with someone else is insecure then I guess I am insecure I told her that I appreciated her talking to me about this but approval via coercion is not approval I also said that I do not appreciate her language in describing my as of yet unknown reaction to this very large issue that could affect the rest of our marriage and life I got up in the morning she basically said that she was sorry for putting such a large decision solely on my shoulders and that
to help she was taking the decision away from me she booked a hotel near where her co-workers are having a party and send off for this guy and she would spend the night there with him and hoped that I would be here when she got back that she would answer any questions I have about the night after it happened but not before she will not tell me who he is or anything about him because she knows me too well and that I will dwell and obsess over him and that would make it too real for
me which is pretty accurate her POV is that the less I know the better which contradicts the offer to tell me anything I want to know after it happened she either won't tell me because she knows I won't ask questions or want to know in my opinion a part of me believes that maybe I should simply let things happen because at the very least she has been honest with me and has gone through a lot since learning she had cancer I can't discount how this impacted her mental health or perspective on life because I have
no idea what she endured part of me wants to put my foot down and say this is not going to happen and deal with those consequences when they happen her BFF called me callous for even suggesting that I wouldn't let it happen because I have no idea what she went through I find it hard to believe that she is okay with the possibility of throwing away 20 plus years of marriage over some guy that she has had no relationship with outside of work and that I should just call her Bluff maybe she thinks similarly that
I won't throw away the marriage because of one encounter I just don't know what to do I empathize with her and then an instant later I am angry with her part of me wants to know who this guy is what does he look like what has he got that is so enthralling for her is he just a safe option is he married does his wife no would I be a callous [ __ ] for saying no what can I do besides walking away update one I received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond
to I do appre apprciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM these past few days have been incredibly demanding sadly that did not happen I had hoped that by opposing her intentions she would reconsider I said I'm a hard no adding that I'm not sure how I'll feel about you if we move forward leading up to Saturday I was once again faced with sentiments along the lines of this is for me it will be one time what can I say to help you deal with it you'll get over
it we were meant to be regardless of the situation she left Saturday ostensibly to meet her co-workers but in reality screw the guy I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this after her response I am not answering any more questions tonight I will see you tomorrow I blocked my wife then I did something either stupid or brilliant I went went to the bar where the get together was happening well not the bar but a
Transit bench across the street I waited for a long time it was running through my mind leading up to this event that I need to know who this guy was maybe to compare myself against him to see what he had that I do not it was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for after what seemed like an eternity a woman that I recognized from my wife's office left the bar and got in a cab soon other people started filing out and
a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand I thought I had my man I didn't see my wife and worried for a moment that perhaps she had cancelled no texts appeared when I unblocked her after saying their goodbyes everyone departed after a few minutes of the dude waiting outside my wife emerged she took a quick look around grabbed his hand and they began to walk away of all the emotions I went through trepidation sadness anger it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me this guy was short
fat and bald all the things I cannot compete with ultimately I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance I followed until they got to the hotel and then turned around and went home I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some Sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions my
wife had been calling me numerous times since around 11 or so once blocked the calls go to voicemail I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn't get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned I didn't want to go home but I left in such a hurry that I didn't plan an overnight properly I got home around 9: and as per my buddy's advice I recorded the interaction I was halfway up the stairs when she came up from the family room asking what was going on could we
talk I thought we talked about this I just answered with I am not interested in discussing this tonight and went to bed after not getting a response from me through the door she left me alone I feel kind of like a child for not talking with her and shutting the door on her but I just couldn't look at her Monday I got up and ready for work she was waiting for me and asked if we could discuss getting back to normal I said you have been doing all the talking for the both of us for
the last week why don't you continue and left for work I have an appointment with the attorneys my friend recommended for this week update two my lawyer wasn't available for a few days so I was faced with the reality of having to live with my wife in the interim I really didn't want to go home and have any discussion let alone a discussion about our relationship when I did get home I was basically ambushed by her friends and my mother-in-law instead of taking the remorseful approach they decided that a full court press was what the
situation warranted and I was basically berated by them the B FF was definitely the ring leader but all of them decided to say such things as she's been through a lot you don't know what she's been through you have no idea what it is like to face something like this this was a one-time thing at least she told you she could have hidden it from you she will never see the guy again and my favorite you are an [ __ ] for what you have been putting her through these last couple of days with a
stupid sneer on my face I listened and inquired if they were finished when there was a pause in their rage I then questioned my wife to see whether she had forgotten to inform anyone else or anyone in her friend group about this I subtly told each of them that I was going to meet with their spouses and report on their verbal abuse humiliation and attempts to force me to remain with an infidelity after I told them to leave I said that I had no say in entire event and so they have no say in whether
I stay or not my stbxw sort of apologized she said that she regretted the entire thing I said there is a difference between regret and remorse you regret what happened because of the cause and effect you have regret because your life will never be the same our relationship will never be the same because you were holy and willfully unconcerned about me and what I wanted she asked if I had any questions that she would answer them now no matter how disturbing I said that the one question I do have is why not necessarily why this
guy why this low-end unattractive unfit guy but why someone else in the first place she said that the cancer scared her to her core she felt like she was rushing toward mortality and stepping out of that tunnel was appealing she said that after all this time of being a wife and mother and worrying about family this was something just for her an escape the guy was just someone who was interested in her for a long time she knew wouldn't say no and was completely opposite to me I said if I was going to risk my
marriage the woman would have to be a serious upgrade from you I told her that I saw you and him coming out of the bar that night I watched you walk away from the bar hand in hand towards the hotel I said that you looked too familiar with each other and asked if there was something going on before all this she said no but who knows if that is the truth or not I said that after all our years together your lack of respect for me was astonishing I finished by saying that I would never
be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I condoned that level of disrespect and stayed with you I said I hope we can go our separate ways amicably and that I have an appointment with a lawyer later in the week I again asked her to find some other accommodations and she simply said I am not going anywhere we are not getting a divorce I will give you all the time you need and do whatever you need to recover from from this we will get past this she has asked me to go to
marriage counseling which I refused why would I go to counseling I did nothing to Warrant needing a therapist's advice I had her served and gave her a notice to vacate the house is my primar ital asset she has moved in with her mom but I find her constantly coming by to see if I need anything or making suggestions like what if we had an open relationship only on your side or threesomes which seems kind of desperate and pathetic rebuffing her constantly and telling her she has to call to ask permission before coming by and finally
seems to getting through to her that there will be no us going forward she has said that she will drag the divorce out for as long as possible but so far has been compliant the worst part of all this is telling my daughter that we are getting a divorce and why followed closely by her begging me to give her mom another chance I am not sure I would have been afforded the same consideration if I was the one who was cheating final update there is not much to report we are in the process of getting
a divorce however where we live we must be legally separated for one year my stbxw has said that she will give me whatever I want in the divorce if I agree to attend marriage counseling but I am not interested there was a bit of back and forth while we worked out what separation looks like in everyday life from this point forward as a result we have only just agreed to the confines of the legal separation so as we move towards defining the divorce language maybe my stance may change the house was a premarital asset so
she has no claim to it the only things she could go after are my pension vehicles and vacation property but I would counter that she has lived rentree for 20 plus years and has her own money plus an inheritance from her father I may have offer a top up in retirement as she was a stay-at-home mom while our daughter was young but that would be the most at this point I received a lot of messages about her friend group and my daughter so I will clear up and misconceptions now my daughter isn't taking her mother's
side she has always been a mama's girl but she is very unhappy with her mom right now her initial reaction was just shock and held out hope that we would work through any issues and stay together now she accepts that is not going to happen she has been limiting her interactions with her but at the end of the day she is still her mom the friend group husbands were upset at the level of complicity of their wives in aiding and abetting the contact and cheating and made them cut off my wife but that seems to
have been forgotten at this point the BFF was the ring leader and seems to have taken perverse pleasure in actively creating scenarios where they would be in contact at the very least encouraging to the point of causing her husband to question her motives it turns out she didn't like me at all and this was her way of sticking it to me I suppose she prevails although there was some Sexting in his wife's Communications the BFF's husband acknowledged it and stated he was handling it when we met again he expressed regret for his wife's involvement said
it wasn't his fault and that he just wanted to go on I've made the decision to put off dating for a while I refuse to ever get married again that concludes our discussion unless she strikes it lucky and I find it in my heart to forgive her I doubt I will post again
