captain zix narth of the Galactic Federation ight Academy stood before his class of bright-eyed alien Cadets his tentacles twitching with barely contained excitement today was the day he'd been waiting for all semester the day he'd finally show these youngsters what real Combat looked like detention class he burbled his gelatinous form jiggling with each syllable today we have a special treat we'll be observing a demonstration of the most advanced combat technology in the known universe the cadets chittered buzzed and squawked in anticipation some even went so far as to change colors which imp light Society was
considered the equivalent of whooping and hollering like a pack of drunken rilin on Shore Leaf six Naros stalks swivel towards dorto and here comes our demonstrator please welcome GX Mah seven time champion of the androma annihilation Arena the door slid open with a dramatic hiss revealing a towering figure that seemed to be composed entirely of shimmering metal and to sh tumbles entirely Fields Glick M strowed into the room each step leaving a small crater in the reinforced floor greetings ins significant life forms Glick Mar synthesized voice boomed prepared to witness the Pinnacle of destructive capability
to class collectively gasped oad and ahe one particularly excitable cthonian actually moled on the spot leaving a pile of arjent scales beneath his desk J nar's tentacles waved and wet pass for a smug grin among his species now class observed closely blar here is equipped with Excuse me Professor a small voice interrupted from the back of the room zix nar's eye stalk swiveled in irritation yes what is it bloop blor the tiny blob blue G raised a pseudopod isn't there supposed to be a human in this class I heard we were getting a transfer student
from Earth CH the captain's gelatinous form rippled with annoyance ah yes the death worder that's SP the word like he left a bad taste in whatever passed for his mouth she's late as usual probably sto to consume some disgustingly caloric food stuff or engage in one of their primitive Sports as if on Q the door slid open again a collective gasp rippled through the classroom as a figure sauntered in looking for all the world like she just rolled out of bed after a 3-day Bender sorry I'm late teach draw Jessica Martinez her unruly mop of
curls defying the laws of physics and good taste Gat caught up in a heated debate about whether pineapple belongs on Pizza spoiler alert it totally does zix nar's eye stalks twitched in what might have been a cosmic eye ARL how fascinating please take your seat Earthling we're about to begin a demonstration of real Combat technology Jessica popped down in an empty seat popping her feet up on the desk cool cool let me guess big shiny robot dude over there is going to show us how to vaporize planets or something flick Mars helmet swiveled towards Jil
to Jaa energy crackling ominously I am not a robot dude primitive primate I am the Pinnacle of combat Evolution capable of yeah yeah Jessica yawned waving a hand dismissively wake me up when you can do something actually essive like shotgunning a beer or beling the alphabet the class fell into a shock silence even zix Nar seen Nar too stunned to reprimand her gar however was not amused with the sound like a thousand angry dialup modems the combat suits weapon systems word to life perhaps a practical demonstration is an order volunteer required you primate front and
center Jessica raised an eyebrow you sure about that tin man I don't want to embarrass you in front of all your adoring fans jix narth finally found his voice now see here human This is highly irregular Glick Mah is not programmed for nah it's cool Jessica said standing up and stretching lazily I could use a workout just don't cry when I hand you your shiny metal ass big guy to class watched in horrified Fascination as Jessica sound hered to the front of the room cracking her not glix Mar's energy Fields pulsed menacingly combat protocols engaged
prepare for termination insignificant Le UI Jenkins Jessica Bellow charging forward with Reckless abandon what followed was a scene that would be replayed analyzed and memeified across the Galaxy for generations to come Jessica moved like a force of nature employing what she would later describe as good oldfashioned kicking she ducked weaved and rolled avoiding energy blasts and plasma bolts with a combination of pronatural reflexes and dumb luck stop moving you irritating primit glix Mar's synthesized voice glitched with frustration as Jessica danced around him occasionally pausing to make faces at his targeting systems what's the matter Roomba
can't keep up Jessica taunted sliding between Liar's legs and popping up behind him my grandma moves faster than you and she's been dead for 20 years the alien students watched and and slack jawed amazement as Jessica employed techniques that defied their understanding of physics biology and good sense she used a combination of Parker interpretive dance and what appeared to be mov stolen directly from 20th century action movies is she quoting The Matrix blue blorp Whispering no as Jessica backflip over plasma burst impossible zix narth burbled the humans combat database shouldn't include pre-con Earth media Jessica
meanwhile was having the time of her life come on big guy you couldn't hit the broadside of a bond witha she narrowly avoided a swipe from GX Mar's energy Blade the heat singing her eyebrows gok that was a close shave get it because you almost never mind glix Mar's frustration was reaching critical levels his sophisticated targeting systems capable of tracking Quantum entangled particles across Dimensions were being utterly stymied by Jessica's erratic movements and constant stream of Pop Culture references your primitive tactics cannot Prevail against Superior technology glix Mar boomed unleashing a barage of micro missiles
Jessica's eyes widened okay time to get creative she grabbed a nearby desk using it as an impromptu Shield the missiles impacted turning the desk into splinters but leaving Jessica unscathed then grinning like a maniac dude did you just try to Michael buy me weak sbro the alien students were beside themselves some were frantically taking notes others were placing bets and a few had entered a state of transcendent Enlightenment brought on by witnessing The Impossible zix Nar gilat's form had gone completely still I stalks locked on the unfolding chaos this this defies all known combat doctrines
he mumbled Jessica sensing her moment decided it was time for her grand finale she sprinted towards glix Mar who was still reeling from the failure of his missile bear a Transformers reject she yelled you ever heard of the oldest trick in the book before gmar could process her words Jessica executed a move that would be debated in militarys for centuries to come she slid between his legs one final time but this time she grabbed a fistful of cables on her way through the sound like a giant router being unplugged gck Mar systems went haywire energy
Fields flickered weapons misfired and his synthesized voice devolved into a series of increasingly plaintive beeps I system Mal Funk Shan Glicks Mar sputter before collapsing in a heap of twitching metal and sputtering energy Fields Jessica stood up dusting off her hands and that kids is why you always tie your shoelaces or you know don't leave vital cables exposed same diff the classroom erupted into chaos alien students were alternately cheering fainting and attempting to process what they just witnessed through interpretant six Nars gladness formed quivered with a mixture of awe and existential dread Chow he managed
to squeak out how did you defeat the most advanced combat system in the Galaxy with with with sick moves and snappy onliners Jessica grinned simple teach I grew up watching way too many action movies and playing too many video games turns out that's better training than any fancy schmancy combat simulator she sauntered back to to her seat leaving a trail of stunned silence in her wake as she sat down propping her feet up once more she couldn't resist one final quip so uh do I get extra credit for this or what word of Jessica's impossible
Victory spread through the Galactic Federation Elite Academy faster than a neptunian virus at an Interstellar Rave by lunchtime the cafeteria was a buzz with excited chatter wild speculation and the occasional spontaneous Mt Jessica for her part seemed utterly unfazed by her Newfound Celebrity Status she sat alone at a table somehow managing to look both completely out of place and perfectly at home as she tucked into what the cafeteria AI had assured her was an approximation of her orth Cuisine is that is that pizza bloop lost his gelatinous form quivering with a mixture of Fascination and
revulsion as he when approached Jessica's table Jessica looked up from her meal a string of what might generously be called cheese dangling from her chin well it's trying its best to be Pizza she said eyeing the concoction skeptically pretty sure real pineapple isn't bioluminescent though want to try some blue Lor's color shifted rapidly through a series of alarmed pastels I I don't think my digestive enzymes are compatible with ah live a little Jessica grin tearing off a piece and offering it to the hesitant alien zon how often do you get to try authentic is Earth
Cuisine bloop Lor's curiosity finally overcame his self-preservation instincts with a sound like a wet sponge being rung out he absorbed the proferred pizza slice into his amorphous form for a moment nothing happened then bloop lorp began to vibrate at a frequency that made nearby Cutlery dance across the the tables go Oh my he burbled his voice oscillating wildly is it supposed to feel like my entire cellular structure is attempting to achieve nuclear fusion Jessica's grin widened that's the capson little dude means is working as blo blor continued his impromptu impersonation of a senent washing machine
up Bend IN cycle a hush fell over the cafeteria Jessica looked up to see Captain Zach narth undulating towards her table flanked by a pair of stern looking security drones ah crap Jessica muttered look teach if this is about the thing the combat suit I swear I can explain explain zix nar's eye stalks quivered with barely contained emotion explain how you single-handedly invalidated by centuries of combat Doctrine how you reduce the most advanced battle system in the known universe to a pile of scrap using nothing but butt foxy and a killer right hook Jessica offered
hly sax nar's galatus form rippled in what might have been a sigh the galactic High command has been an emergency sessions all morning there reassessing Humanity's position in the Federation Jessica blinked wait what because of one little sparring match one little zix nar's voice Rose to a pitch that made several nearby crystallin life forms resonate sympathetically you defeated a class n combat automatan using techniques that our top scientists are still struggling to explain half the class is convinced you're some kind of demigod and the other half is trying to replicate your moves as if on
Q a loud crash echoed from across the cafeteria they turned to see a rexan Cadet Tangled in his own tentacles having apparently attempted to recreate Jessica's signature slide maneuver ah Jessica mused I guess I should put a don't try this at home warning on my moves J nara's eye stalks drooped in resignation the point is human that You' you've changed things to the high command wants to speak with you immediately Jessica's eyebrows shot up who a who you mean like the big bosses the head uncles the she yes six narth interrupted his patients clearly wearing
thin the beings responsible for maintaining peace in order across 12 galaxies want a word with the human who just upended their understanding of combat Dynamics so if you're quite Fair finished with your pizza perhaps we could he was interrupted by a loud belch that seemed to Ripple the very fabric of SpaceTime every being in the cafeteria turned to stare at bloop lorp who had finally stopped vibrating and now glowed with a faint cheyara that the small alien declared with uncharacteristic boldness was awesome Jessica couldn't help but laugh see told you Earth Cuisine was the bomb
six naris galantina formed quivered with what might have been a suppress scam if we could please focus on the matter at hand yeah yeah I hear you Jessica said standing up and Str ing High command Galaxy shaking Revelations yada yada just let me grab a doggy bag for this pizza something tells me I'm going to need the energy as they made their way out of the cafeteria Jessica couldn't help but notice the way the other students were looking at her it wasn't fear exactly more like awe mixed with a healthy dose of what the hell
did we just witness so she said casually as they walked on a scale of one to oh crap how much trouble am I in JS naris eyes stalk swivel towards her radiating an emotion that didn't quite translate to any human equivalent that depends human on whether the high command decides you're the greatest threat to Galactic stability since the Pikes of DC Jessica blinked the what now but before zix and Nara could elaborate they arrived at a set of impossibly onate doors that seemed to absorb light rather than reflected right Jessica muttered squaring her shoulders time
to face the music or whatever the pangalactic equivalent is the doors swung open silently revealing a cavernous chamber filled with beings of such otherworldly appearance that Jessica's brain gave up trying to process them about halfway through in the center of it all was a pulsing orb of pure energy that somehow radiated an aura of supreme authority Jessica martinz of Earth a voice that bypassed her ears and went straight for her cerebral cortex in tone step forward and be judged Jessica took a deep breath plastered on her best I totally meant to do that grin and
stroe into the chamber like she owned the place sup your high commandus she said with a jaunty wave heard you wanted to chat about my sick moves the energy or pulsed and Jessica got the distinct impression that if if it had eyes they would be blinking in disbelief you stand before the collected wisdom of a million civilizations The Voice resonated in her skull and you greet us with Su Jessica Shrugged would you prefer yo or maybe what's crackling a ripple of what might have been laughter or possibly existential dread swept through the assembled aliens the
energy orb flickered rapidly as if processing this new input fascinating it finally declared you are either the most brilliant strategist we have encountered in Enon or a complete lunatic Jessica offered helpfully precisely Jessica grinned why can't I be both this time the Ripple through the chamber was definitely laughter even zix nar's gelatinous form jiggas form in what might have been reluctant Amusement the energy orb pulsed again this time with an air of decision Jessica Martinez of Earth you have demonstrated abilities that defy our understanding your ancient combat techniques have rendered our most advanced defenses obsolete
hey now Jessica interjected I wouldn't call Chuck nor can it naris ancient I mean yeah he's getting up there but silence the voice boomed rattling the very foundations of reality Jessica's mouth snapped shut with an audible click as I was saying the voice continued now tinged with What Might Have Been exasperation your abilities present both a threat and an opportunity we must decide whether to contain you or to learn from you Jessica's eyes widened who wait a sec contain me that sounds an awful lot like Locker up in some alien ARA 51 and I'm going
to have to pass on that thanks the energy orb pulsed thoughtfully perhaps a demonstration is in order if you can defeat our greatest Champions using your unorthodox methods we will accept you as an instructor for the Galactic Federation forces a hush fell over the chamber even zix narth seemed to be holding his breath which was Quite a feat for a being without lungs Jessica raised an eyebrow and if I lose so then you will be placed in Stace until we can fully understand and neutralize the threat you pose right Jessica muttered no pressure or anything
she took a deep breath eyeing the imposing figures that had materialized around her there was a being made entirely of swirling plasma another that seemed to exist in multiple Dimensions simultaneously and what appeared to be a sentient black hole wearing a rather Dapper bow tie hey she said cracking her Knuckles Let's Dance What followed was a display of combat prowess that would be studied debated and occasionally used as a screen saver across the Galaxy for centuries to come Jessica moved like a force of chaos given human form she ducked weaved and occasionally macarin her way
through attacks that could have leveled planets her commentary delivered between Dodges and counter punches was a stream of Consciousness mixture of Pop Culture references bad puns and the occasional existential observation if you call that a plasma burst I've seen Spicer explosions in a Taco Bell Bale prone she taunted the swirling Elemental before using its own momentum to send it crashing into the multi-dimensional being hey about Tai she called to the sentient black hole I'd make a gravity pun but I don't want to bring down the mood as the battle raged on the assembled aliens watched
in slack jawed amazement some were taking frantic notes others were re-evaluating their life choices and at least one had started a Brisk business selling team Jessica merchandise finally after what seemed like hours but was probably closer to 15 minutes time gets weird when you CH Cole Jessica stood Victorious her hair was singed her clothes were in tatters and she was pretty sure she she' briefly visited at least three alternate Dimensions but she was grinning from ear to ear so she panted hands on her knees as she caught her breath do I get the job or
what the energy orb pul with an intensity that made the very fabric of reality Ripple when it spoke its voice was filled with a mixture of awe and resignation Jessica Martinez of Earth it in toned you have demonstrated abilities beyond our comprehension your ancient combat techniques have prevailed against our mightiest Warriors we have no choice but to accept your offer of instruction cheer went up from the assembled aliens with even the defeated Champions joining in after they had reassembled their various mad sweet Jessica grinned when do I start immediately The Voice declared the fate of
the Galaxy may depend on it Jessica blinked wait what I thought this was just about you know teaching some cool moves and maybe explaining why you should always aimed for the exhaust Port the energy orb pulsed ominously the threat we face is far greater than you can imagine the void songs grow Stronger by the day and our conventional defenses are useless against them the void saans Jessica frowned sounds like a heavy metal band with delusions of Lovecraft they are the devours of reality The Voice explained its tone grave beings of such mic horror that merely
comprehending their existence can drive lesser Minds to Madness and they are coming Jessica was silent for a long moment her usual smirk replaced by a thoughtful frown when she spoke again her voice was uncharacteristically serious so let me get this straight you on me a human who learned to fight by watching Bad action some movies and playing video games to teach her Advanced Elian civilization how to defeat Cosmic Horrors from Beyond the Veil of reality precisely precisely Jessica's grin slowly returned wider and more manic than ever oh hell yeah sign me up and so began
the strangest training regimen the Galaxy had ever seen Jessica's first order of business was to requisition a massive supply of energy drinks junk food and every piece of Earth media she could get her hands on all right you scun she barked at her first class of wide-eyed alien cadate today we're starting with the basics lesson one the importance of a good training montage Jarvis hid it as the opening cords of Eye of the Tiger blasted through the academy speakers Jessica couldn't help but smile and she had a feeling that the void conson weren't going to
know what hit them somewhere in the depths of space in a realm Beyond mortal tal comprehension the void con sensed a disturbance in the cosmic order for the first time in Enon they felt something akin to fear the game was about to change and Humanity was bringing a whole new rule book epilog nikra years later as Jessica stood on the bridge of the galactic federation's Flagship watching the last of the Void cons Retreat into the inky Blackness of space she couldn't help but chuckle and that kids she muttered to herself is why you never underestimate
the power of a good montage behind her the bridge crew a mly assortment of aliens who now moved with the fluid Grace of action movie stars erupted into cheers they had done it they had saved reality itself armed with nothing but unconventional tactics terrible one liners and an encyclopedic knowledge of Earth's cheesiest action tropes as the celebration raged around her Jessica's gaze drifted to the Stars Beyond The View screen Somewhere Out There new adventures were waiting new challenges to overcome new opportunities to prove that some sometimes the most powerful weapon in the universe is a
well-timed quip and the stubborn as to never ever give up she grinned cracking her Knuckles so she asked turning to a ragtag crew of battle hardened Misfits who up for a sequel the answering cheer could be heard across 12 galaxies and at least three alternate dimensions and somewhere in the great Cosmic beyond the spirit of Chuck Norris nodded in approval
