-My bad! Hi, hello. It's me, your favorite president, and perhaps your next pope.
Conclave. Well, it's been 100 years since I became president. Excuse me.
Days. Wow. Feels longer, but people are saying that what I've done so far has single-handedly helped win people elections, mostly in Canada.
I've also signed 147 executive orders, everything from banning paper straws to defunding PBS. I understand Elmo has now been apprehended by ICE. Brought to you by the letter L for El Salvador.
He's not coming back, but we've got a few new executive orders. And here to help is deputy chief of staff and Lord of the Shadows, Stephen Miller. [ Bach's "Toccata And Fugue in D Minor" plays ] Oh, wow.
-Mr President, it's an absolute pleasure to be here. -Wow. Even the nice things you say sound like Kylo Ren.
Alright, what have we got today, Stephen? What you got? -Alright, sir, this first order would bring back Columbus Day.
-Oh, it's so important. That's right. We are bringing back Columbus Day, back from the ashes.
We have to protect Columbus Day for our great Italian American friends like Tony Soprano, Benny Blanco, and Childish Gambino. Alright. [ Camera shutter clicks ] What's next?
-Alright, sir, this order would reduce the number of interracial couples in TV commercials. -Oh, it's just too many, right? You see them in the kitchen together making meals from HelloFresh.
He's wearing loafers. She's got tight braids. You're like, "Where'd they meet?
" You know? What do they even talk about? It's insane.
[ Camera shutter clicks ] -Well done, sir. Sir, this order will make it socially acceptable for a man in his 70s to date a 24-year-old. -That's right.
We're calling it the Belichick law. We're gonna make girlfriends young again. Okay?
Old men can now date far younger women. We like that. It's hot.
But in reverse, it's quite disgusting. Right? Very "Dateline," you know?
Did you see Belichick's girlfriend? She's pretty hot, right? -Yes.
She is a beautiful creature. -God, you're creepy. This is why we don't hang out outside of work.
-Understood, sir. Next is a pardon for author J. K.
Rowling. -Ah, Jackie. Jackie Rowling.
We love Jackie. You know, she created a whole wizarding world, a wonderful place for overweight millennials to stake their entire identity well past the point of it being cute. "I'm a Hufflepuff.
" No, bitch. You work at Staples. I'm rolling.
Let's keep it moving. Let's go. -Sir, you asked Marco Rubio to join you for this next one.
-Yeah. Where's Marco? Get him out here.
Come on in, little Marco. You're gonna love this. -Yes, sir.
-Oh, wow. Yes, this order, I believe, forbids all Hispanic babies from getting their ears pierced. I believe this was Marco's idea.
-No, it wasn't. -Yes, it was. -Yes, it was.
-Sorry, little Maricela. Sorry, Valentina. It's clip-ons for you from now on, alright?
I mean, we got grown white American tweens trying to get into Claire's, and they got to wait behind a thousand tiny Latina babies to get their ears pierced. It's no bueno. Right, Marco?
-Sí, sir. [ Camera shutter clicks ] -Okay, we'll see him later. Moving on.
-Sir, this order will make "The New York Times" Connections game easier. -And it's about time. Every time, It's like, how the hell was I going to get that fourth one?
You know, the purple one? Oh, it's always like units of measurement plus the letter Q or types of beans minus the concept of love. What the hell does any of that mean?
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Let's keep it rolling, Stephen. What's next? -Sir, this order will outlaw ghosts.
-We're sick of the ghosts, right? We don't like them. You know, every Christmas Eve, I get visited by three ghosts.
I don't know what the hell they're talking about. They're like, "Sir, you have to change. You have to change.
You did bad things and you have to change. " And I'm like, "Stop rattling those chains, okay? I'm trying to enjoy my dark, lonely Christmas Eve.
" [ Camera shutter clicks ] -Alright, sir, this order will officially shorten the word "recession. " -Oh, that's good. Recession will now be called "recess.
" Fun, right? So, America, get ready for a historically long recess. I call tetherball.
Oh, and one more thing. -Live from New York, It's "Saturday Night"!
