when I was a kid my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard ten thousand dollars in Damages but we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia I make a lot of jokes about death because it's hilarious my whole family's like that kind of you know in fact well before I was even born my great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus police tried to say she was committing a suicide but the family knew that she was just trying to stop civil rights [Applause] yesterday accidentally hit a
little kid with my car it wasn't serious nobody saw me and people get weird when kids die no that's a fact that's a fact like about a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide and go seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator that's all anybody talked about for weeks I said who cares how many kids you know get to die a winner [Applause] I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight but if you didn't you sure as [ __ ] no now [Music] this
past Christmas I told my girlfriend for months in advance months so baby all I want from you this year is an Xbox that's it beginning and end of list to Xbox you know what you got me a homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together which was fine because I got her an Xbox I've got this five-year-old nephew and he really looks up to me last week as goldfish died and it was upsetting for him so I took him into the bathroom and I helped him flush the fish down the toilet
and there was an awkward moment afterwards when he turned him he said Uncle Anthony I might get to see my fish again when I go up to heaven and I didn't know what to tell them so I said look kid there's no way that I could know what happens to fish when they die but I can tell you that there is no God foreign who do you think was smarter Jesus or Buddha I mean just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified [Applause] no I'm not a religious man you guys can probably tell but
my Uncle Tom you guys super villages last month he's walking down the street he gets mugged and shot in the chest now miraculously and I mean miraculously he always keeps the Bible in his left chest pocket and he had something to read while he bled to death it's flying somewhere I was in an airport even flying into Chicago a couple days ago two and a half hour flight delay stuck in an airport bar talking to some random [ __ ] and I got nowhere to go so I'm like hey man what do you do and
he says and I quote oh nothing right now but I used to be a priest as in oh [ __ ] right but I got nowhere to go so we keep talking we keep drinking finally two hours goes by guy gets up he said hey man I gotta catch my flight I don't want to lie to you I used to be a priest I got kicked out because I molested a kid now here's the thing after talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours I have to admit he was actually
a really cool guy like if you could forget about you know all that Jesus [ __ ] [Applause] yeah that's a favorite I'm probably gonna tell it again later when I was growing up I was pretty poor not like now when I'm rolling in it my new father's father's coming up and I wanted to get my dad something that I could not only afford but that would also show how much I cared so what I did was I got him a t-shirt it said World's Greatest Dad semi-finalist [Applause] my mom used to put a note
in My Lunchbox every morning and she would hide it so I couldn't find until I got to the cafeteria that afternoon with my friends I couldn't appreciate at the time though because every note said sorry I didn't pack your lunch my mom was the worst at having to break bad news to her children I remember I came home from school when they said Anthony I don't know how to tell you this but I've been having an affair and you can't tell Dad foreign I said well why not she said because he just passed away I
love to drink I do it all the time every day but my girlfriend you guys my girlfriend has never once touched her drop of alcohol in her entire life see both of her parents had huge cocaine problems and she watched to tear the family apart so now she just sticks to that my girlfriend she lives a few miles away from me last night she called me up at three in the morning said Anthony get over here right away I think someone's trying to break into my bedroom window and I dropped the phone and I was
so pumped up with adrenaline it was tough to get back to sleep [Applause] last weekend I was in Boston staying with my girlfriend's father brutal he wouldn't let us sleep in the same bedroom together it says sorry buddy I don't trust you I said trust me buddy I'm your daughter my dad was a big time alcoholic Major League alcoholic black out every night kind of alcoholic but to his credit my dad never once laid a finger on either me or my mom not once and I don't know if it was just because he loved us
so much or if he just hated my sisters but either [Applause] either way it was a great dad Charmed a tough time for me I was like 10 years old my parents called me into their bedroom they say Anthony we want to get a divorce you have to decide which one of us you want to live with and I was a 10 year old kid I didn't know any better I just said Dad Dad I want to live with Dad yeah it was heartbreaking my mom just looked at the floor and said well whatever you
want Anthony and my dad just said I don't want a divorce anymore and maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk oh God the old man was into some really crazy [ __ ] now this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I love to meet fans after the show I like when people come up and say Anthony you're a genius Anthony best show I've ever seen and that's it I don't ever want to hear anything else if you've got a bone to pick with
me over something I've said tonight instead you should just shut the [ __ ] up because seriously I know more about comedy than you do and you came to see me like I said shut the [ __ ] up but still you know after I've just said all that you you still feel like you need to come up and and [ __ ] well then I will be as polite as I can possibly be however it is ill-advised because you will end up as a joke in my Act much like the blind guy who came
up and complained to me in Seattle after he walked up and said Anthony Anthony why do you tell any blind jokes tonight I came here to hear blind jokes tonight and I said well here's a blind joke [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music]
