One of the most amazing recordings of Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Non Violent Communication, doing NVC, is of his San Francisco workshop. Maybe you’ve seen it on youtube, but it takes three hours! So if you don’t have time for that, if you have your job, your kids, your love life, your yoga, I did some work for you, I watched this recording and I boiled it down to ten principles, and selected the most important stuff.
I gathered it here for you in ten tips, so you can be totally up to date. What I will do as well, I will refer to some of my own videos in which I’m doing a demo, because these principles are nice and all, but how to apply them when you are talking to your dad, or your partner, is a whole different story, so I’m showing you actually with those people how to do that, so you can see that as well. Tip number one is to stop playing the game of ‘who’s right’.
Do you know that game when you are trying to be right with a person? Marshall Rosenberg says that this is a very tragic thing because what it leads to is that whenever we think that someone is wrong, they deserve to be punished. This is a whole thing that takes place on the level of society actually.
So Marshall Rosenberg says, let’s stop playing this game of being right, let’s stop punishment, let’s stop having obligations, when you don’t do them you get punished as well. Shame, that also has to do with a certain ‘have to’s’ in society, let’s get rid of all of that. Instead let’s play the game, or let’s see, if we can work with finding each others needs and getting all our needs met.
That’s what he proposes and we’ll get more into that later, but the first thing to know is how to stop playing the game of who’s right, and start noticing it when you are doing it, and then stop doing it. The second tip is to not use “dialect jackal’. What Marshall Rosenberg is saying is that jackal language is a language that enables us to keep playing that game of who’s right.
Jacket language is based on who’s right and who’s wrong. Like judgements for example. The thing is that sometimes some of us might be aware of judgements, and so we maybe don’t do that, but then there still might be that sneaky dialect, that labelling dialect judgement in there.
He gives an example of himself studying psychology, psychotherapy, and then he starts to label people as a psychopath, or autist. If you notice you are doing that, be aware that you are still playing this game of who’s right. Especially if you do it to judge someone and if you notice it doesn’t contribute to a connection with this person.
Another example that Marshall gives of jackal language is ‘amtssprache’. It’s a German word, and it refers to when you say you had to do something, just because its your job, or just because your boss told you to do so. Marshall Rosenberg says that if you want to move the game of who’s right, to getting all needs met, you need to acknowledge choice.
You need to speak in a way of: I chose to do this. So keep that in mind as well. He actually has a funny example of a mother in the workshop saying: but I have to cook right?
There’s no choice there. And then he challenges her to make a choice to continue cooking everyday, which she hates, or to stop doing that. Then he shares that later, he gives another workshop and one of her sons shows up.
So he is super curious to check what happened, what did his mum do? And she actually stopped cooking. And he asked the son, how was it for you that your mum stopped cooking?
And he says, Marshall, I thought to myself, thank god. Because now she’s not whining, and talking at every dinner how horrible it was for her to cook! As you can see, if you deny choice, and you do stuff out of a ‘have-to’, you are not just harming yourself but also your surroundings.
Tip number four is do not say: I feel as I do because you…. For instance: it hurts me when you don’t clean up your room. Or: because of what you said I’m in so much pain right now.
When you say that, you deny that your feelings are a result of your own thoughts and your unmet needs. It might get triggered by someone but it’s your own responsibility. You can share it and you can make a request obviously, but if you blame it on the other person, it creates a huge disconnection between you and them.
And actually also between you and yourself, you are completely out of your power. So this was a lot about what not to do, but what to do instead? Marshall says that instead we are going to speak giraffe language, as opposed to jackal language.
Giraffe language is done in four steps. If you have seen any of my video’s you probably know about it, I will link to a video that explains all the steps step by step, in more detail. But just to say it shortly, you start with an observable action, of what the person did that you didn’t like.
We’re assuming you are in a situation were someone triggered you, and you want to say that. What did the person do, and what observable action, with no judgements or interpretations mixed in there, because that creates disconnection. You share your feeling, and it has to be a real feeling and not a feeling that’s actually mixing in a thought.
This is too much to explain right here, but if you look at my video about pseudo feelings, I will link to it down here, it will all become very clear. And then you share your need. If you know anything about Non Violent Communication you know that NVC needs are really vital.
I have a whole list of those needs, I will link to that up here. (I never know where it is - it’s somewhere on the upper side of this screen. ) I have a list of those needs so you can just see, what is my need?
You can just look at the list, it’s very simple, and the fourth step is that you share your request. If you want to know more about it check the video that has the four steps and it will link to other videos, you can study all night if you like. So tip number six is about the child feeding the duck.
What the hell is that? It’s about whenever you make a request, Marshall recommends to actually give the person a little note, handwritten or just spoken, that you only want them to do what you ask them to do, if they do so with the joy of a child feeding a duck. If you have ever seen a child feeding a duck, it is super fun for them, for me it is also fun, feeding a duck!
The duck is happy, you are happy. If you cannot fill the request with that kind of joy, then don’t do it. Don’t do it out of shame, don’t do it out of obligation.
That’s all again like going to this game of who is right and wrong, doing things out of obligation. You want to do things with a full yes. This is something I am adding right now.
The thing about the child feeding the duck, I find it a beautiful metaphor to keep in mind, and to check for yourself, am I doing this with that kind of joy? If not, just be aware and make a choice of what you want to do. Tip number seven is to never hear what a jackal speaking person thinks, especially not what they think about you.
Just in normal language it means whenever someone is judging you, don’t take it personal. Just realise it is something that they are thinking and it is not true, it is a judgement, right? So instead of getting triggered by it, and you might get triggered by it, but instead of reacting to it, take a deep breath, and try to guess: what is their feeling and their need behind this jackal thought towards you.
So, are you maybe feeling scared because you would really like some reassurance or are you feeling angry because you want some safety, that I will listen to you? I don’t know, I was just making up some stuff. Just guess the feelings and needs, I already pointed you to the need card.
It is very helpful for that and it doesn’t matter if you don’t guess right, it’s just about getting their attention to their own feelings and needs instead of what they think about you. And by the way I have a demo about how I do this with my partner, I will link to it up here, somewhere, find it, and you will see how it is done. Tip number eight, I love this one, never put your but in the face of an angry person.
What does Marshall mean by that? He means that whenever someone is angry with you, they are saying: you didn’t you this! Instead of saying: but I didn’t mean to say that, or, but I did do that!
That’s putting your but in front of the angry person, you see what I mean? What that does, it will just put oil the fire, it will create more like, this connection, more conflict. Again, what you do instead, is to guess their feelings and needs.
Are you angry because you would have liked some care from me? If you keep doing that, you will create connection and the anger will subside, you will feel compassion for the person and they will have space to hear your side of the story. Again I have a demo about this.
I asked my dad if he would share something with me that he didn’t like about what I did, and I listened to him and I didn’t used ‘the but’, so I will link to it up here. Tip number nine is to enjoy someone's suffering. To me this sounded a bit strange at first, but what it means is that you are able to be present with someone’s suffering, instead of getting stressed thinking that you have to fix it, that it has to go away.
So if you are able to enjoy someone’s suffering, to listen and be present with them, the person will solve their thing, it will be solved by it self as it were. There are two things helpful in order to be able to do that. The first thing is to tell yourself especially whether they feel sad or triggered in whatever way, as a result of something that you did, if you're involved in their feelings somehow.
Tell yourself I didn't cause this feeling. This is something I already have shared before, you never cause someone’s feeling. So tell yourself “I didn't cause this and I don't have to fix it”.
Because the thing is: if we're trying to fix it if we're giving advice etcetera, we actually block this energy, this natural energy of the person itself that will fix the problem itself. Tip number ten is: we talked about what you can do if you don’t like something that someone did or when someone else doesn't like something that you did, right? It's all about not liking something that happened.
But of course it can happen as well that somebody does something that meets your needs, and you want to express that. So this you can do in a more connecting way, a more giraffe way, instead of in a jackal way. The jackal way would be giving a positive judgement, so saying that someone is really smart or really beautiful, those are actually judgements.
I created two video’s about why there is a problem with giving those positive judgements and also what to do instead, how to give giraffe appreciation.
