you can change how you view yourself I just really chose to be as patient as I possibly could the days I push myself the most are the days where I'm at peace with myself the most tell Yuji from jisen told her she must have perfect faith and act her perfect Faith stop it you're being an idiot have tasted Revenge very recently new entry today I want to talk about the matter of perspective now I believe most things are a matter of perspective in I really today I really uh I I really learned that today so
I had two hours of sleep I worked a really tough shift today for 11 hours I did not get the things I wanted today I really had to wait so at first I didn't have breakfast and I had to wait I had the chance to get breakfast but I couldn't I'm not going to get into details but it would have made a bad image of me I had to wait and then when I thought I had to close at a certain time they told me I had to close later and when I wanted to eat
something today oh I wanted to go to the toilet today I couldn't go to the toilet I had to wait I had to really push all my feelings aside completely then when I wanted to then I got a call they told me I had to do inventory today and then tonight actually like 20 minutes ago I checked to see if there was food cuz I cannot cook for myself so usually there's still food at that time and there wasn't any food and so today there was a few moments really there was a few real moments
where I thought to myself I'm about to lose my [ __ ] I'm about to lose my [ __ ] I'm about to like I could it was very it was a very reasonable it would have been really reasonable to be angry and I just really chose to be as patient as I possibly could and the more I did so the easier it got for me to be patient and today I mean you know that was the last straw at least I thought so you know cuz I'm hungry been hungry all day and I don't
want to feed off of Just cookies and [ __ ] like that and then it's just like well I can't control that can I it is what it is and the other thing is like okay I got this thing for example I had to do the inventory today at work and usually I would be like oh my God how am I going to do this I'm not going to be able to do this I'm not going to and and it just like immediately I went into nope okay just do it let's get through this I
had a big rush just before I was about to close like I'm not kidding and it would have been so easy to be like suffering and I just I said no I'm going to do this I have to get through this that was patience resilience no that was patience and discipline and that is resilience because it's patience of saying well what can I do and discipline of saying I'm going to get through this I'm not going to wait a second I'm going to get through this I can do this and that is resilience essentially and
I've been asking I want to be a more patient person I want to be more resilient person I want to be more disciplined person and these are the blessings that life has given me to learn just that it is a matter of perspective I want to be a more patient person I want to be a more disciplined person and I want to be a more resilient person look at that today was an absolute [ __ ] blessing for me I don't know how I can't believe in God I mean this is thank you you know
it's crazy and I mean I should be like Furious and like completely like tired and outraged and I'm not I'm just calm I'm at peace with myself it also feels like the days where I push myself the most are the most peaceful in the end or it's the days where I'm the days I push myself the most are the days where I'm at peace with myself the most as well this um this is what my brother bought me Yuji from uh ju kaisen my favorite anime in character I don't know why it's my favorite anime
I really don't know I always forget the names I always feel like ashamed like cuz I even have a tattoo that's like themed after it and I feel like someday someone who is like real big fan who knows all the names and remembers all the names is going to ask me like hey so like what do you think about blah blah blah blah and I'm just going to be like huh what are you about I also haven't read it so yeah I also think there's been a bit of a fear in my mind these past
few days CU I've been spending my own money a bit more and it seems as though I am I kind of lost I've been kind of doubting where I can bring my career and how fast I can make something out of it and like I just this this um in this book right here the game of life it says let's find it I use my glass it's just for comedic purposes so in this book it says a woman came to me in great distress and said she was to be sued on the 15th of the
month for $3,000 she knew no way of getting the money and was in despair I told her God was her Supply and that there is a supply for every demand so I spoke the word I gave thanks to the woman I gave thanks that the woman would receive $33,000 at the right time in the right way I told her she must have perfect faith and act her perfect faith when I joined her at the restaurant I said this is no time to economize order an expensive lunch act as if you have already received the $3,000
all things whatsoever you ask in prayer believing you shall receive you must act as if you had already received it and that's what I have not been doing I haven't been acting as if I'm going to be financially free as if I'm going to be successful financially especially considering I'm thinking about buying things that are an investment to myself now I bought this camera right here which to be fair it's great it's a great camera right I don't know why I'm mad about it but I just feel like I could have done without I guess
that's something that I just feel kind of upset about you know and yet I mean I think I should use it more I just I don't know I'm just used to phones a bit more you know but it has a Gimbal and everything it's pretty [ __ ] cool if you ask me and it also has a mic and everything I just like this you know it's a simple click it just that's it but I wish I had a better mic you know so that's a bit of a but I got this so I might
as well start using it a bit more you know also feels great in the hand I have to say I've been singing a lot and more lately it's great for the soul for me I mean it just it's h it brings me so much joy I can't like put it into words really it's um I've gotten a lot better too being in utter privacy for me is so important because I can try out things without feeling like somebody's listening to me you know it's a bit of a slow process so yeah for me but that's
okay you know I I realized today once again that I think one of my biggest strengths is that I'm willing to be a fool over and over again I'm willing to be a fool I bought a camera I thought of it as an investment for me right now and to be honest I haven't made the most out of it yet yet and I think I shall buy those things that I need that are good for me I think investing in yourself is one of the best things you can do with your own money I'd rather
spend my money if I'm already going to spend it in myself rather than I don't know going out and drinking my brains out or some [ __ ] like that which I already don't do I mean this is it's it's crazy I went on a date yesterday and it went great took wrong but she said I was very structured you know that's insane that's insane if you would have known me as a kid I was an absolute ADHD kid I would forget everything I had no idea where I was what was going to happen still
to this day I mean I'm I'm kind of like I have real big trouble when I have an appointment let's say the appointment is at 8 I will just do nothing all day long until it's 8 you know it's and then like I'll procrastinate then I'll start doing the thing because I feel like oh my God I haven't I've just been watching [ __ ] YouTube videos for three [ __ ] hours and and I wanted to do something like I don't know write or read or whatever and then it's like I just get there
late because I've been like then it's I start doing the [ __ ] that I wanted to do I get hooked on it and then it's like H I have to leave in 15 in like an hour hour and then it's like oh I have to leave in 30 minutes oh my God I have to leave in 10 minutes and then it's like the hour gets there and I'm just like okay I got to get ready it's like I don't know anyhow I think also I should be more patient with myself because I'm trying I'm
trying um I'm really trying all the time to be better and it's it's okay I have I I'll take the time that I need to take as long as I'm trying some things will happen slower than others when when it comes to myself I think I also view the negatives too much you know I you know my my your own words have a lot of weight and the same goes with my own words and you know you can it it's just it's become indisputable for me it's not a thing if you believe in it or
not it's just your words have a lot of meaning I've been getting a lot of compliments lately the more I try to be better the better I feel about myself and the more people the people around me kind of acknowledge that and it makes me feel really good about myself and it gives me a lot of self-confidence people who are like 10 20 30 years older than me keep telling me that I'm very mature from my age at least in certain aspects you know in others I'm still a 21y old and I'll I'll be honest
I I pride myself a lot in that because I've worked I work really hard for it I spend all my free time if not all my time up here just thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and learning and studying and if you don't go to college and if you don't I mean if you dropped out of high [Music] school invest in yourself in your own education which is I believe and I believe I mean this should be you know everybody you know and learn about how can I put it like improve yourself
like learn how [Music] to learn about life about your life but learn about life change your mindset you know um change your mindset you can you can change your life I feel like I'm getting emotional you can change your life man you really [Music] can I don't even remember how it felt but I just know that it was just so bad I was I hated my life so much I wanted to end it like I I mean I I thought to myself all the time I shouldn't be here I held on I didn't commit you
know I was too scared of actually doing it um and I felt like there was something you know something there I had people around me like my [Music] family um at some points the only person I had was myself I think especially now I mean I I I want to have myself there's this thing that I read today and I wrote it down which is it's not about finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with it's about becoming the person you want to spend your life with and then I saw
it again in the video today of Mark [Music] Manson the 40 things he knew he wish he knew when he was 20 years old and and that resonates with me a lot I'm I'm trying to become the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with and it's it's kind of it's Jordan Peterson also said it's not about finding the person it's about how can you be more attractive how can you be more attractive and another thing that I thought a week ago that I put in my Instagram for a few days
before I removed it because I thought it was a bit cringe or a bit self- absorbent it said I said be being the person I needed the most so these things connect it's becoming the person you want to spend the rest of your life with being the person that you needed the most at whatever point in time maybe now maybe in the past and becoming more attractive it's not about finding the one but how can I be more attractive how can I make myself more attractive and I have a very innate desire and it's very
personal like it really is deep down in me and I know for it to be not something good necessarily I think it's a bit it was born out of spite and hate and pain definitely pain but it has pushed me a lot to be better at least it has given me I've I've I've taken that and just used it to push up a lot and that is my desire for being Untouchable because for the longest time I felt like I wasn't worth anything and that that scar is really really deep in me and if you
feel like that you can change that it takes time it's a process I still have days or or at least not days it's not days anymore which is great it's more like moments where I catch myself you know trying to please others or trying to get the approval of others or actually I don't think I please others that much anymore but I think more so the approval of others um it's just certain moments now where I catch myself feeling that way or acting that way and you can change that you can absolutely change that but
it's up to you you need to it starts with how you see yourself really really you give power to the people you blame and the less I blame the people who made me feel like I wasn't worth it the more I take accountability for how I was acting and what kind of person I was even though I was just a kid for example for example the more you take accountability and the less you blame the people the less power you give [Music] them and you need [Music] to if you if you can you can change
you can change how you see yourself it takes time you can change how you view yourself you can change your life you can change your life by how you perceive it by what you learn by what you study by what you put in practice by improving yourself and maybe I'm telling you this because I'm someone who went from feeling worthless to now wanting to be Untouchable and you know I mean from that it was born to to to you know this but I know that obviously I mean wanting to be Untouchable let's say let's say
I get there then okay I'll be very lonely and I'll be I'll be I'll be very lonely and I don't know I mean right now I think I'm living a bit of a lonely life but I've never felt I really don't feel so lonely most of the time because I'm just loving myself more and more and I'm kind of I mean it's my choice to spend most of my free time doing this or trying to no I mean I do have great friends now which I thank God for them they came into my life I
have I have a like someone who's like an older sister to me I've got great people anyways she actually gave me this book to read look um that's another thing I mean you you'll you will definitely you friends come and go you'll find new friends I had really good friends but now I have better friends and I don't miss them I don't think I'm being missed but um I always also thought I'm better or different than them which it's it's very guistic I'll admit but I think it was a bit of a drive for me
it still gives me a drive it's that being Untouchable thing so it comes with a lot of it comes with a price right it comes with a price but it can be staying there wanting to be worthless or saying I'm going to flip this upside down into I want to be Untouchable I want to know what it feels like to be Untouchable to have people desire me to have people respect me to have people Envy me to have people apologize to me Revenge it's not going to give me anything I've tasted Revenge very recently it
doesn't feel good it does not feel good every day I get closer I get closer to there today I cracked another layer really tough one but I'm getting closer what I'm doing isn't anything special it's not I mean everybody can do this I'm no I mean I was I was down there I was in the ruts I was in the uh in the trenches of self-indulgence and internet garbage and pornography and G dysmorphia and pure depression anxiety self harm empathy searching [Music] seeking but I have to be that to be here and to then be
there I had to be weak to be strong I had to be a fool to be wise and I had to be cringe to not be cringe and now I think the next step is to embrace the cringe I see a lot of the times that I catch myself focusing on like when I'm watching a video I I I always look [Music] for in life I keep looking for people who are seeking validation and it cringes me out whenever I see it when they're seeking attention or validation and because I believe because that's something that
I did a lot and I just want to like I just want to [ __ ] shake them and tell them or you know myself I see myself in them I have to be honest with myself here I mean that's why it's projection I just want to shake them and say stop it stop it you're being an idiot and you're being very obvious about it nobody cares just enjoy the moment for yourself and also I don't know there's just so much hatred like they just piss me off you know because that's what I was and
sometimes maybe I still am I sometimes still catch myself being there and I think that's everybody you know but for me especially you know it's really hard it's hard on me I can feel the like my my chest like like aching you know and uh yeah please learn to be the best version of yourself and learn to love yourself and learn to change your world to change your life at the end of the day you are living your own reality need to fight for it there's this really great web tune it's called the tower it's
called like this giving myself more work for when I'm editing [ __ ] you it's about this guy who's fighting against other people and all the other worlds with his and for his world view and that is life I think you need to fight for your reality not to impose it on others but to not give up on your own way of life on your own reality not to give up on your reality how you want your life to be and this guy I forgot his name but he was like you know what you want
to do so grab your [ __ ] balls and be it and you can do it and I can do it and I'm trying so I'm by trying I'm doing it have fun enjoy the ride don't give up on yourself
