Fiance's Best Man is Planning to 'Joke' About Me Being Passed Around In Our Friend Group in His...

My fiancé's best man is planning to joke about me being passed around in our friend group in his speech, and my fiancé secretly canceled his health insurance to pay for our wedding. My fiancé, his best man, and I have known each other since we were kids. We collectively met between sixth and seventh grade and have been running around in the same friend group ever since.

The group has grown and shrunk over the years, but a small core of us has remained extremely close. Recently, my fiancé's best man, Jay (30M), has been making jokes when we're hanging out about the two of us dating. These jokes have now escalated.

Admittedly, when I met Jay in sixth grade, I had the hugest crush on him, and everyone knew it. I was much taller than the average girl at that age, and he was one of two guys in the entire school as tall as me. That, though, is where the story ends.

I had one hell of an awkward phase in middle school, and he was very clear from the start that he was not into it. Post-awkward phase, as friends and adults, it was something we constantly joked about but never seriously since everything between us had always been platonic. Now, this joke of me being rejected by him has recently turned into how he dated me first whenever my fiancé and I are around, despite the inaccuracy.

An increase in it being brought up has been rather annoying, but it's something I've been able to brush off or quickly rebut. This escalated this weekend when two of my fiancé's groomsmen were over hanging out with my fiancé and me. The wedding was brought up, and after a concerning look between the two, they mentioned something had happened with Jay that they thought we should know about.

Apparently, Jay had been telling them stories he was considering for his best man speech, with the main one centering around how I had been shared around and had made my way through the entire friend group. While they kept what was explicitly said fairly vague out of respect for me, they were clear that he crossed the line and insinuated that I had slept with the entirety of the group attending the wedding. They were very clear with Jay that he could not say anything like this in his speech or toast.

Jay responded with an "I know," stating that I had already made it clear my maid of honor would be proofreading all speeches prior to the wedding, so he wouldn't be able to get away with it anyway. However, he ended the conversation by saying something along the lines of, "But what if I could? " leaving the possibility open.

Out of all the groomsmen in the party—six, including Jay—these two were the only ones in this core friend group and the only ones I had any sort of history with that could potentially be notable. It was all prior to high school and very innocent. One was the guy I went on my first movie date with, where our parents had to drop each of us off because we couldn't drive, and picked us up afterward.

The other was the classic first six-month relationship in middle school, where it took six weeks to muster up enough courage to hug each other between classes in the hallway. Sure, we made out, and very middle school-level things happened, but this is something we've all laughed about now for over a decade. I wasn't the only girl in this larger friend group, and throughout the years, this was something that happened pretty frequently.

Because we grew up in a smaller area, overlaps like this happened regularly in every group, and even more so as we went through high school. My fiancé is the only one I have seriously dated or had any sort of intimate relationship with in this friend group. We had an on-again, off-again relationship throughout high school that ended for a bit once I moved out of state for college.

However, we remained close friends and eventually reconnected when I moved back in 2019. We started dating in 2021 and got engaged in 2023. He's the only one in all of this I have ever slept with, who has seen me naked and so on, making this situation even more odd and off-putting.

Jay and I have been close friends since high school. When my fiancé was in a toxic relationship that isolated him from Jay, Jay would reach out to me for advice on school, girls, relationships, and more. He had always been our number one supporter, advocating for my fiancé and me to reconcile our relationship throughout college and into adulthood.

He even took a bit of credit and would throw around "I told you so" here and there when we eventually did reconnect. I'm not sure how to handle this. I could write an additional post about how frustrated, confused, wronged, and uncomfortable I feel, all of which I plan to discuss in more detail with my fiancé after sitting on the issue for a bit longer.

We've all talked about it, recognizing the way Jay is framing things as wrong, but my fiancé and the groomsmen are able to brush it off in a way I feel like I can't. I don't know how to move forward from this or what to do next. Additional information: My fiancé and I aren't getting married until the end of next summer, so much of the conversation had about toasts and speeches has been more theoretical, except that a few have asked for the opportunity to give a toast including the best man.

We have loosely put this information and save-the-dates on the website and other prints. My fiancé and the best man have been best friends since kindergarten; they were neighbors and inseparable until they each went their own way. College, my fiancé's parents basically raised him alongside his fiancé, three.

Jay has strictly only ever expressed platonic feelings for me; even when both single or alone together, we have only ever acted as friends towards each other after the embarrassing early middle school crush I had. **Update: One, April 3rd, 2024** First, I wanted to thank those who were clear and honest about how alarming the situation was from their perspective. When posting, I was still processing various feelings about the matter and still am, which not only limited my ability to really look at the situation from a different perspective but also left me in a state of paralysis about what to do next, both long and short term.

Given the nature of this situation, there was a lot of historical context that was omitted to avoid making the original post too lengthy. I have done my best to include context that seems most relevant based on the original comments in my update below. Since posting, I have spoken in further detail to both my fiancé and one of the other groomsmen.

I also confided in my maid of honor about the situation for an additional perspective outside of this specific friend group. After these conversations and reading through all comments on the original post, I've come to realize the significance of a few key details. Jay has a deep-rooted superiority complex; he always has, and it is something many in our friend group have become accustomed to.

He has always been the type who seemed to believe he was the standout among his friends, whether that be through education, athletics, his career, or with women. Jay has also always been a bit egocentric, and a lack of accountability or consequences for his actions has been growing for some time now. Despite it almost always being unintentional, he is more often than not oblivious to the inconveniences and harm he causes others as long as it is beneficial to his personal ego.

This is about jealousy from a few different angles, but not about me specifically. When looking at the full picture, this escalation feels like a continued attempt to knock my fiancé down for reaching the next stage in life, whether that is because he has reached it before Jay or has moved onward without him; I cannot say for sure. Jay has issues with misogyny that have also been escalating in tangent with everything else.

His lack of respect for the women he has dated seems to have increased. Much of the personal tension he and I have had recently pertains to his perspective of women, which has begun to veer into a more disrespectful realm, alluding to an increased belief that due to their gender alone, women are inferior. The good friend he was to me over the years—who was always kind and supportive and never overstepped boundaries, who was always there when needed—can exist in tangent with the above information; they are not mutually exclusive.

Life happens and people grow, sometimes in opposite directions. I spoke in depth with one of the groomsmen to have further transparency about the situation and what was explicitly said. He acknowledged that the conversation initially centered around the excitement they had for the wedding and Jay clearly stating he wanted to give my fiancé and me the best wedding experience possible.

The conversation evolved, and Jay mentioned looking for icebreakers for his speech/toast and began bouncing a variety of distasteful jokes that focused more so on the expense of my fiancé than anything else. Then the idea was proposed about explicitly stating that my being passed around the friend group was how they all remained relatively close since middle school and high school. Jay was immediately shut down by the other groomsmen, told to know his audience and recognize he was openly alluding to things that were untrue and that could have an extremely negative impact on me personally.

The conversation stopped shortly after this, and the groomsmen, without context of how this issue had been escalating, stood up to a one-off situation with Jay acting full of himself in the moment. My fiancé and I are the first of our cohort to get married and have a full-blown wedding with a ceremony and reception. These comments did not start escalating until after our engagement, roughly one year ago, following Jay's breakup with his long-term girlfriend.

Jay has never made comments like this to me or my fiancé privately or when it is just the three of us together. Any scenario where this has been an issue has been in an environment that involved others, and mostly others that are not a part of this cohort from middle school. So, what next?

As mentioned in my original post, I spoke with my fiancé in detail about the situation and how I was feeling when all of this had been brought to our attention a few days prior. In an attempt to preserve myself in the moment, I brushed it off more than I probably should have. I do not blame my fiancé for not having any immediate or strong reaction in the moment, because I had avoided one myself.

I think it's important to note that Jay is not a day-to-day character in our lives. While he travels frequently for work that brings him to our area, we live states apart; he has not lived in the same area as me or my fiancé since high school. Much of this evolution with his personality has happened in the last few years as well.

I recognize this is not an excuse for the lack of accountability on our part, but felt it added important context that this was not something that was observed and ignored daily, but one that has slowly been recognized over time since we maybe see him four times a year at most. My fiancé was extremely open in . .

. The conversation immediately brought up having a conversation with Jay, but he admitted to not viewing this as anything more than Jay just being Jay and that he was all talk. At this point, we had only discussed how Jay had continually escalated the situation and how uncomfortable I had now become from this.

The lack of accountability my fiancé had made for Jay's actions definitely hurt. But then I recalled a commenter who had asked if I still considered Jay a friend because he actually was or because that was how it had always been. To sum up what turned into a lengthier and much more productive conversation with my fiancé, I told him that while I recognized his friendship with Jay was something that had always been a part of his life, I did not personally want to be friends with him anymore.

After this, I brought to my fiancé's attention that while the scenario was explicitly about me and attacking the integrity and character of a 12-year-old girl, every action or usage of the scenario was used against him to invalidate his accomplishments of getting married or make him come off as less than. I told my fiancé it was up to him on how he handled his conversation with Jay, but regardless, the disrespect Jay had shown me in this was a clear statement of what he thought of our own personal friendship. I firmly believe it is not my place to force how my fiancé handles his own personal relationship with Jay.

All of this was deeply taken to heart, and you could tell that my fiancé had started coming to his own realizations as the conversation progressed. He recognized that if the roles were reversed, or if it had been any one of my bridesmaids slandering me or him in any way, he would be firmly advocating for me to reevaluate my friendship with them. My fiancé asked for a few days to stomach the information himself and reflect on what he wanted to say to Jay.

He asked if it would be acceptable for him to bring up that I no longer wanted to be friends with Jay personally, and I said yes. I was clear that if Jay wanted to talk with me following their conversation as well, it would need to be the three of us and not a personal conversation. I am still evaluating how to approach the speeches and toasts at our wedding and am open to perspectives and ideas.

For now, I reserve the right, with my fiancé, to omit Jay from giving a speech and have my fiancé choose another groomsman to do so in his place, potentially canceling the speeches and toasts altogether and, if Jay is allowed to give a toast, telling the DJ to cut the mic if need be—all of which he agreed with. There is still plenty of time for the situation to develop and for potential future updates, but I wanted to again thank those that emphasized the seriousness of this issue, gave their honest input and advice on how to handle the situation, and provided perspective on what they believe should be done next. When originally posting, I was still in a state of shock trying to accept the situation as it had unfolded.

Your responses constructively pushed me into the reality of what was happening and what I was feeling. Comments where OP has replied miserably included: "How were you and your fiancé friends with this guy for that long and been okay with his behavior? Why is his best man so comfortable to even joke about something like that?

Why does he need time to digest cutting him off? Why is he even still involved in the wedding? Me personally, I wouldn't allow anyone to disrespect my significant other, let alone someone I am supposed to be marrying.

Best man or not, I think they are both walking red flags: Jay for being a misogynist and your fiancé for not cutting him out of the wedding and his life. These things can be taken as a joke, sure, but the level of disrespect is too great, and your fiancé should stick up for you if he has any shred of decency and respect for you as his fiancée and soon-to-be wife. " I am happy to answer since I think it will be helpful for many.

I also added a very small edit to the update to acknowledge a bit of this. Much of this behavior has developed over time and apart from all of us. As a kid, Jay always had a superiority complex, but he was also very kind and respectful; it came off more as immaturity than anything else.

Plus, at the time, we were kids too. Following high school, Jay and I each moved a significant distance away from where we grew up. He still lives that far away; we get together maybe four times a year at most, and I genuinely believe he did not see me as more than some woman to use as collateral to knock his friend down when he made those comments.

My fiancé has no brothers, and Jay has always been a part of his life, filling that space. Jay also has no immediate family in his life and hasn't for quite some time, making my fiancé's role a bit more impactful. It is much more similar to him cutting off a brother than just another friend.

My fiancé has always been extremely kind and had a very peaceful soul. Don't get me wrong; while my fiancé prefers to avoid conflict, he has always been willing to stand up when necessary as well. I don't believe he realized how much had been at his expense as of late until after our conversation.

Given their long history, I believe he's reflecting on a lot more than just this specific situation. The wedding is still over a year away and not. .

. Until the end of next summer, and this all has happened in less than a week. Neither my fiancé nor I have talked with Jay yet, so I did not feel it was right to post about any hard decisions regarding cutting him from the wedding, and so on.

These things can be taken as a joke, sure, but the level of disrespect is too great, and your fiancé should stick up for you if he has any shred of decency and respect for you as his fiancée and soon-to-be wife. This was a huge part of the larger conversation we had, and something my fiancé acknowledged as well. I think initially it was viewed under the lens of us collectively being childhood friends and my fiancé as the mediator, rather than the lens of me as his wife, until our second, much larger conversation.

Oops, reply about the fiancé's reaction: it's only been a handful of days since this all came to light. I wish your fiancé's reaction had been more about coming to your defense than Jay's, but I understand that sometimes people need time to truly process all that contributes to a messy situation, especially one with deep roots and close ties. Thank you for conveying this so well; I did my best to add an emphasis to this, but could not do so as well in my own words and fear it got lost in the length of the post.

Something for me to work on in future posts, for sure. I very much have worries, and knowing my personality, I will also be worried the day of. I expressed this to my fiancé as well, and he completely understood.

I recognize there is still plenty of concern to still address with my fiancé, but given how fresh this situation is, I wanted to afford myself a little grace in absorbing my feelings for what has happened before figuring out exactly what to do. I lost a friend too. Update 2, October 11, 2024: I'm considering canceling our wedding and calling off our engagement over a pizza.

Buckle up because this is a long one. While the drama around my fiancé's best man has simmered, the deeper issues surrounding a lack of support have emerged. Apologies in advance for this not being centered around my fiancé's best man; not much has honestly changed.

A conversation between them was had, much of which was my fiancé assuring him that things would blow over and accommodating Jay's stresses, that it was only a joke. While my fiancé acknowledged that what was said was wrong, the conversation wasn't to set boundaries. I eventually had to have my own conversation with Jay, which my fiancé stood silently in the room for.

I reached my breaking point two weeks ago, following everything with his best man and a few other challenges we had been facing. I tried to put my best foot forward these past six months. I sought out therapy to address the lack of support and anxiety I was feeling, and have made intentional efforts to work on our relationship to ensure we were in a stronger place before committing to each other in May.

After some unexpected and startling health concerns requiring an emergency room visit, my fiancé came clean to me about secretly canceling his health insurance in January without talking to me. When I asked him why, he blamed the cost of the wedding being too expensive and wanting to save the $150 a month, taking no other accountability for his actions outside of an apology. I have a small amount of experience in accounting and have budgeted the wedding down to the last dollar.

This has included consideration of inflation and other potentials as well. In total, from the smallest decoration to the cost of a marriage certificate, everything comes down to around $22,000, all of which I have strategically budgeted for throughout our two-year engagement. My parents have graciously given us $14,000 to help with the expenses, and I have personally taken on the price of my dress, wedding bands, and a slightly larger portion of the vendors.

To put it simply, while it may not be as much as others, we have privilege. Not only was there no need for this cancellation, but I have yet to see any of that additional support for expenses regardless. In response, I took it upon myself to take on more of the costs and pursue a part-time job on top of my full-time position that earns roughly $70,000 a year.

While it's not by a large margin, I do make the most between us individually and have a larger responsibility in my daily work life with longer hours and a significant level of expected travel. As a result, the choice to take on a part-time role was not one of want but of desire to ease the burden he was feeling. I started a role reviewing blogs, essays, resumes, and other forms of writing in July, and our relationship quickly unraveled.

Because I commute, I typically arrive home three hours after my fiancé. After arriving, I would immediately have to hop on my laptop and review writings for the next two hours or so to stay on top of my quota. I tried my best to make a routine out of it so we would have intentional time together once I finished each night.

This was met with cold shouldering, frustration, and a lack of consideration for my level of exhaustion and strain. For months, anytime I asked him to choose a show to watch or decide on dinner—while he usually does cook because I get home so much later—while I revised, I was met with scoffs and accusations that I no longer cared to tend to our relationship. I tried countless times to address his frustrations and was shut out or cornered in a circular argument about my priorities.

Two weeks. . .

Ago, I was slated to travel from my full-time position to Atlanta during Hurricane Helen. In a matter of 12 hours, my afternoon flight for the next day was shifted to one leaving at 5 a. m.

to give me ample time to shelter in place prior to the arrival of the storm. I rushed home to finish packing and prepare myself to drive over an hour to the airport and stay at a hotel nearby for additional flexibility in case of issues surrounding my early travel that next morning. After arriving home, I immediately hopped in the shower and asked my fiancée to order dinner so we could have one final meal together.

During my shower, he offered to order a hot honey jalapeño and pineapple pizza from a new place we'd been wanting to try, which I normally would have been happy to try. However, I don't like jalapeño the way some people don't like cilantro and am avidly against pineapple on pizza—something that's come up multiple times during our relationship. While I'm good with spice, the idea of taking that on with the travel stress and early start time I had the next day made me hesitant.

I calmly asked if there was another option for tonight and if we could try that specific pizza once I got home instead, expressing my concerns over my nerves, which received a frustrated scoff and sarcastic response of, "What, then? Just cheese? " I explained that any other topping combination would work and restated my issues.

He walked out of the bathroom without response, and I finished my shower. The pizza was never ordered; no food was ordered. I followed up as soon as I got out of the shower, asking if there was another option he wanted or a place he wanted to consider, and received a prompt no.

As I finished getting ready, I asked if anything had been ordered again, and no. I finally snapped and begged and demanded him to order the hot honey pizza because I was out of time. He accused me of making him feel like he was forcing me into the decision, but after a bit of back and forth, the pizza was ordered, and the mood immediately shifted.

Everything was peaceful, warm, and loving at home up until I left, yet I cried the entire hour and 15-minute drive to the airport hotel. I cried the entire next day throughout the storm in Atlanta and the entire day after. Following a lack of sleep, stress, and intense emotions, I had a complete mental breakdown, realizing I can't live like this.

I called my fiancé and poured out every frustration, emotion, and feeling, which I admit was probably not presented in the best light, but none of it was well received. In the two weeks since, despite many attempts, conversations have gone nowhere, with only ultimatums being offered for me to make. I've proposed countless alternatives that focus on us working on ourselves and together these next few months, but he is only seeking an answer to whether or not we will be getting married next summer and has made it known this is a decision that must be made by the end of October.

At this point, I don't see how I can possibly gain the confidence to commit myself to him by next summer. For the sake of not doubling the length of this post, I will leave it at this for now. All of this is being discussed with my therapist at this time.

He has chosen not to pursue counseling with me despite my asking and advocating. Many words have been expressed, and I am trying, but I'm starting to second guess and waver on just how far love can get me through all of this.