My Boyfriend Was About to Move Into My Place When He Suddenly Told Me I’d Need to | Reddit Stories

My boyfriend was about to move into my place when he suddenly told me I'd need to change my routines, limit my independence, and basically act like I belong to him. So, I called off the move in the relationship, and now my mom and I think I overreacted and ruined a good thing. Posted by you/throwway_external.

I don't think I'm the jerk, but my aunt and mom got in my head over the holidays and now I am questioning myself. Until early November, I, 28F, was in a long-term relationship with Kevin, 30M. We were together for about 18 months.

He was planning to move in with me at the end of November when his lease was up. I own my own place, whereas he had a roommate who was recently engaged. Seemed like good timing all around.

Kevin was generally a good guy. Funny, charming, easygoing. I thought I was in love.

But a few weeks before he was supposed to move in, he made a weird off-hand comment about my evening shower habits. Now look, I know some people will find this crazy, but it's not as crazy as it seems. I have a glorious steam shower with a comfy bench.

I take longass steams before bed. Usually 15 minutes to steam, 5 to 10 minutes with the water on and off to shower and wash my hair and another five or so for skin care. I'm not hogging the only bathroom or the hot water and I only do it after everything else is done for the day, work, chores, sex.

Anyway, the comment was that I would have to knock off things like that when I was living with him, which why? He said I was wasting time and needed to be more present when I lived with a man. WTF?

It's 30 to 40 minutes. I can't have 30 to 40 minutes to myself. This led to a longer argument about the various things about myself and life I would need to change before he would move in.

Like I was doing him a favor letting him live with me rentree. Many things themselves weren't terrible. Put my various skin care things away rather than leaving them on the shelf.

Fair. Don't leave so many shoes in the mudroom. They're on a rack.

But whatever. Stop the composting service. He wants to do it.

But a few were non-starters, don't have my brother, 17M, and his friends over unsupervised, and don't volunteer at a local shelter that houses men. It was wild. He had never shown any indication of being controlling before.

So, I tried to talk to him about what he was thinking. He just said that moving in meant that I was his and needed to act like it. Paraphrasing, I said, "Then we weren't moving in together as I am not anyone's, less articulate than that.

" And asked him to leave. We had another conversation a day or so later, but neither of us budged, so we mutually broke it off. I was sad, but not devastated.

Mostly completely confused and questioning my ability to see any red flags. There had to be some, right? I thought I made the right choice.

My friends think I made the right choice. My baby brother also thinks I made the right choice. He may be influenced by my 3D printer, but my mom and aunt think I made a huge mistake.

It's been a solid two weeks of You're going to die alone. You're selfish. You have to compromise in relationships.

You can't expect him to put up with your single girl schedules and habits. He was such a catch. I feel like my head is going to explode.

I thought my mom would at least care that he was cutting off free brother sitting when they travel. But no, she thinks my ex was right that my brother and his friends shouldn't be in the house alone with a single woman at their age. I babysat most of them when they were younger for Christ's sake.

Am I really unreasonable here? I'm driving myself nuts. We are not getting back together.

But was I a jerk? Top/relevant comments. Downloaded commenter.

I think 45 minutes is a long shower, but not hardly worth making a big deal over it. Unless it's in the morning and you're both going to work. I do understand not wanting 17year-olds over that he doesn't know.

Left with just him. Technically, it's his residence, too. Would you like people coming over for long periods of time you don't know and left with you?

Maybe they could have met at some places a couple of times beforehand. I think that could have been talked through. A lot of relationships do end when a party is unwilling to talk things out.

It happened in my last relationship. I'm not completely sure. It's just that you two were incompatible or lacked enough communication.

It doesn't really matter now to be honest. You're already broke up. Ops response.

It wasn't that he didn't want my brother over when I wasn't there. He didn't want my brother and his friends over when he wasn't there. Like, I can't host my brother and his friends without his supervision.

That's just weird. Commenter two, aren't you lucky he showed his true colors before he moved in? Commenter three, I don't know how old your mom is, but there are multiple generations of women who feel women need to submit to their man's wishes on everything.

My husband cheated multiple times and then ran off with a younger woman. My mom wanted me to take him back. He was abusive and a serial cheater.

The sad reality is until 1974, women couldn't have a bank account. Many women had to put up with terrible abuse and had no options. I'm proud of you.

Glad he showed his true colors before he moved in. Commenter four, let me guess, your mom and aunt are single, right? Ops response, yes, both divorced.

Commenter 5: Did you suspect anything off about Kevin in those 18 months? Ops response. I swear I didn't at the time.

In retrospect, he did roll his eyes at some of my hobbies/activities, but I thought at the time it was goodnatured, like how I make fun of my best friend's shoe hoarding. I love that for her, but also will rip her about it. Apparently, this wasn't good-natured.

My dad hated him, which I should talk to him about to see if he saw something I ignored. Update. One day later, I posted about my mom and not making Christmas miserable because I broke up with my boyfriend when he started an argument about my showers, which snowballed into more weird controlling requirements.

A bunch of people asked me why my dad didn't like the ex and what red flags he saw. I asked and here's what he said. Fair warning, my dad is great, but he has opinions.

I don't agree these are all red flags, but I'm sure Redditors will school me on it. One, didn't take a job my dad offered. The ex lost his business about 6 months ago, which left him with a mountain of debt.

And my dad offered him a job in his warehouse to cover expenses while he was looking. The ex had a job within 6 weeks, so he wasn't unemployed for long. And I personally think it's fine to take a beat when something big happens in life.

But my dad is of the you can rest when your bills are paid and chores are done. School. Two.

Would sit on the porch on his phone when I was struggling on a hobby project. Again, I don't think this one is fair. Yeah, sometimes it's nice to have someone give you a hand with stuff, but they weren't his projects.

Three, didn't carrying groceries. Now, this one I kind of agree with. In retrospect, it was pretty weird that I was lugging the groceries in by myself in two or three trips.

I don't know if my brain ever would have noticed it as a red flag, though. Four, there were other little things around home maintenance. Waited for my brother to shovel the drive, didn't mow, put a whole box in the recycling without breaking it down, and car maintenance.

didn't put up my wipers before a storm or pump my gas, but it wasn't his house or his car, so I feel like those go in the nice to have, but not fair to criticize bucket. Sure, my dad would do those things for a neighbor, much less a romantic partner, but that's him. Anyway, those were the things that my dad pointed to.

Some clarifying points from the last post. First, steam showers don't use a ton of water. It's like two gallons for the steam for the whole 40 minutes.

That's basically 90 seconds of shower for most people. And because it's toasty in there, you only turn on the shower head when you needed to rinse or shave. Second, my mom isn't a boomer.

She's 46. She wasn't always like this, but she and my aunt have gone down some rabbit hole the last few years. Third, my brother and his friends, not all boys, by the way, will always be welcome in my home.

Period. If that means I live alone, fine. Finally, do not worry.

There is and was no chance I would take him back. He creeped me right out in our last few conversations. I might worry about whether I handled things wrong and should approach things differently next time, but I'm not staying with someone who feels me taking 40 minutes for myself, absent kids, or extenduating circumstances after a long day at work is a bad thing.

If that makes me a jerk, fine, I'll accept the label. Thank you for making me feel less crazy yesterday. Top/relevant comments.

Commenter: No, your dad's list is on point. Let me explain. One, extra cash is extra cash, especially when you don't have work.

If anything would go down, he would sit on his ass and live off you. Two, simply asking to help is a huge sign that he cares and is involved with you. No one who cares for another person lets them struggle, even if it's with something so small like hobbies.

Three, again, caring for another person's well-being and sharing the daily burden. My husband would never let me carry groceries alone. when he was really bad with cellulitis.

He drives, I don't. And we had to make a quick run to the store despite using crutches. He thought me to carry at least two bags.

Lol. Not because of his manliness or some crap, but because he cares. Four.

Again, caring. Wanting to make your partner's life as easy as possible. Being involved in proactive.

When I started dating my husband, I needed someone to move my stuff to student accommodation. Not only did he carry all my stuff home to car, then car to my on suite, which was on the fourth floor, he also had a quick look around and fixed a leaking tap, sorted my fire alarm, he found there were no batteries inside, and unclogged my toilet. A guy doesn't have to be a DIY king like my hubby.

Don't get me wrong, but a caring guy would either take care of issues himself or find someone who will. It's not a matter of your house, my house. It's a matter of being a loving, caring, and involved partner.

No hate, girl, but maybe think about what you should be looking for in your partner. Ops response. All right, I think I get it.

It's not about expecting a guy to take care of me. It's about looking for a guy who wants to take care of the people he loves in big and little ways. Commenter two posting as a follow-up on your other post.

I don't think either of you were jerks. I think you overreacted. Kevin had some good points and I don't think he was controlling about it.

How old is your brother and your brother's friends? You said you babysat them when they were younger. I don't think a long-term relationship girlfriend would be comfortable with me letting females and their friends around unsupervised in my home, even if I knew them from babysitting them when they were younger.

Also, if you're living together, it's his living space, too. That was a fair request and should have had a compromise. The shower thing for 40 minutes in evening seems excessive.

If you require that each and every day and couldn't compromise, fair enough. best to end it. I think I'd also take issue with that as a partner.

Depends. On the one hand, I could play video games, entertain myself. On the other hand, after Sex's sleep time in my head, it would be a bit grading if my partner always needed to shower after this took 40 minutes, which is guaranteed to either keep me awake or wake me up after falling asleep.

Your mileage may vary. The helping out at a shelter thing kind of split on it. On the one hand, it's a noble cause.

On the other hand, you're spending the time around vulnerable adult males, including unstable males. As a male, I'd be concerned about that, and I'd expect my partner to understand my concerns. Seems like you realized you don't really love the person anyway or feel like it's just not a good match in the long run.

Whatever the case, I think the breakoff was a good call for both of you in the end. Ops response: I just cannot comprehend a world in which I would be okay with someone who comes into my life and says, "Hey, I love you. Let's build a life together.

But you know, all those things that make you happy. Yeah, those things suck and you need to change them. If you didn't like that I have my brother and his friends over twice a month, then why did you spend 18 months with a woman who loves that?

As extremely sad she only had another year before he's off to college and hopes he moves back after school. If you hate my volunteer work, then why talk about marrying a woman who has volunteered at that place for literally years and who cried on your shoulder about losing a friend to homelessness and suicide? And yes, if it bugs you so damn much that I take 40 minutes in the bathroom every night to unwind after life, then why did you spend 18 months sleeping in my effing house, eating my effing food and watching my effing TV while I was in the shower?

I am a person, not an experience vending machine. Sorry. I'm sure you are a nice person.

I'm apparently more mad than I realized. That wasn't aimed at you. Commenter three, you're not mad enough.

The man had a mask on and it slipped prematurely. You've seen the real him and are repulsed by the behaviors he has shown. But ultimately, he told you that you are his property.

He was not offering concessions about his own storage of items, shower timings, games, TV watching, hobbies, etc. He was controlling yours because you'd belong to him, not the other way around. He also didn't trust you.

You being around people unsupervised. He's telling on himself here because if he trusted you, then he would not bat an eye at people being around you. My husband has male and female friends, and one of the female friends was literally someone he was half in love with as a 19-year-old.

He told me all of this upfront, and I had been cheated on a lot, so I really struggled with it. But my friends are non-negotiable for me, so why would I expect anything different for him? So, I sucked it up and got to know her and she's incredible, and we are friends, lol.

And I trusted my partner, so I didn't make anything a big deal for him, even when it made me uncomfortable. Your ex wanted to isolate you as well. No volunteering is the removal of one support network.

Removing your brother and his friends is another. I bet your dad would be next somehow. These abusive types are predictable once they let the mask slip.

You did the right thing up and I'm so proud of you.