[Music] in our previous video with dr. Romani we talked about the signs to look out for when dating a narcissist now we're going to talk about the four different types of narcissists dr. Ramani thanks for being back here with us thanks this topic is so fascinating especially being in Los Angeles which I feel like might be the narcissistic capital of the world you know what I said to someone once I said you want to study tortoises work in the Galapagos you want to study narcissism live in Los Angeles I mean it is it is rampant
here I think so at least yeah before we get into those four types quick question in your estimation what percentage of the population is narcissistic it's a tough one because again it's a trait right it's not like a disorder where we could actually do an interview or figure it out it's it's you know if I were to hazard a guess like people who are noticeably narcissistic we're like whoa you know I would put that number probably to 10 to 15% I know means do I think it's a majority when you think of your own friends
most of them are saying good empathic kind people but I do think that a 10 to 15% that's a lot of people now again I'm sort of pulling that number out of the air it's just a difficult it's a difficult statistic to get not to mention that the measurement skills we have are not very good right but to think even if you're in a room of 20 people one to two of them easily actually would be classified as narcissist it depends on what kind of room like you know for 50 percent you know but if
you're you know or you're like a lawyer banker meeting or something like a little I but I don't know if you're some sort of like a community volunteer meeting you probably wanted to is a very good place yeah so I was shocked to find out that there is not just a blanket term narcissism or narcissistic there's actually four different categories for this let's talk about this yeah if you look at the research and this is definitely as I've gone over the years looking at what's been written I really do think that four primary types have
emerged they're sort of our classical grandiose narcissist that's sort of like that I don't know that the Chanel suit of narcissism it's the classic representation the person who sort of very egotistical arrogant attention seeking validation seeking look at me I'm so great don't I have a beautiful house they don't stop to listen to anybody again your garden-variety grandiose narcissist okay far more problematic is the malignant narcissist this is the person who is all the things the grandiose narcissist is lacking empathy and titled and grandiose and big and pompous but they're also really mean they will
do really bad things they almost feel like they're little bit psychopathic they often won't even feel that bad maybe a little bit guilty but not for you what do you mean they do bad thing um they will steal money from a company they will cheat on their partner like really bad like really bad things yeah no no I'm not taking like saying like take more peppermints than they should from yeah that's kind of what I was thinking you know I'm talking about and they'll they'll lie they cheat they steal these are your Bernie Madoff types
you know like really malignant they just sort of they they're make great criminals you know and again and we could talk about it at some point there's a difference between a psychopath and a narcissist by and large a narcissist even a malignant narcissist will feel a little bad about doing some things especially feel bad if they've hurt other people in their circle so if they do bad things they'll be sorry they hurt their family but they often won't really care about other victims nothing so that's your malignant narcissist then there are some other types of
narcissism that people don't realize and like oh that makes so much more sense the key one in that one is called covert narcissism covert is a word that means secret really so a covert narcissist is somebody who is very sort of put upon by the world but they're still grandiose so they'll say things like yeah like you know I'm a really great photographer but the world never really noticed my greatness I guess I just came up at the wrong time and all these cameras you guys use now it's easy now but back when I was
taking pictures I could have been one of the great ones or is a covert narcissist older they can be but not necessarily okay they often feel like life done them wrong you'd be quite passive-aggressive hmm you know they're that person they're just they always feel they almost feel depressed and in fact more than a few of us will initially think the covert narcissist has depression and will treat them for depression why this is not getting better and it has been 10 months even if they're on meds by now something should have happened so someone who
has been classified as a covert narcissist and then treated for depression will not show improvement if they're depressed they'll show some improvement depression but they'll still walk around like woe is me Wow can anyone see how great I am I do so many great things for the world and I guess it wasn't my time and you know and they they'll be very vulnerable if somebody said they're very hyper sensitive to criticism so somebody says yeah those pictures were good but we're not going to be able to hang them up in our gallery what your yeah
and they'll throw a tantrum they'll become really cold they'll become distant no I'm not I'm not I'm not coming to your gallery opening my pictures weren't good enough for you that's the covert kind of like the I'm not fired I quit yes exactly they really do feel like the world never got their greatness Wow that's the covert narcissist yeah there's a lot of those in Los Angeles out of that and then that often gets missed as well no they're not even that confident unless you listen they really it's always like nobody gets how great I
know there's a fourth one but before we go into that let's dive into that how how would I know as I'm not a clinical you know psychologist how would I know if my friend or this person needs confidence needs a boost or if there are covert narcissist look at how victim II they feel hmm you know like how much like no one gets me or nobody gets how great I am it's because it's always in a sense of it's nobody quite gets there excellent so sort of an arrogance to them versus a person who really
is like now this is I did not do a good job on this pie I know I could do better can I let me give it another shot so there's almost like this sense of efficacy the word that means like I'm gonna give it I'm gonna give it a try I recognized what I did wrong they often won't take ownership the covert narcissus will say I see what my part was in this I see why it didn't go right the covert narcissus will blame the world that's a very clear you know that the world is
to blame for why I did not succeed all right what is our fourth worth one is a fascinating when I read an article about this and I was like I was like you know rarely do scientific articles get you as excited and I'm running around the university saying you've got oh yes it's called the communal narcissist communal communal the communal narcissus is that person for example all over their social media feed is like off to feed the homeless today but they're like really well made up or like it's dog rescue Thursday and they're always out
there trying to save the world they go to galas and they go to benefits and they write big checks but they need a lot of recognition they need a lot of like can we've been in this after you can we name that after you and they walk around saying look at all the good things I do like they'll have a website with them holding like children in impoverished regions of the world but like they're always really well put together and they talk about it a lot like look at my greatness I'm all about giving back
and that's your communal narcissist because what you will see is a tremendous lack of empathy for the so-called people they're trying to help and in essence sometimes even a grandiosity like I'm above these things I'm rescuing helping give me oh so much recognition and they seek a lot of validation for all their good works i i know people watching right now are going i know that person i know that person and if you're not maybe you are that person like yeah i know that person glover that i I was given some really great advice by
somebody out here in Los Angeles and he said and it was to a group of people he said you need to go volunteer you need to go do something for somebody and not tell anybody that you did it that's it just do it because it's the right thing to do well I often say do good quietly yeah yeah now did you mention an earlier off-camera or something about stealth nurses the stealth our system is almost more of that covert Narcis of it like you don't and this is where people get confused by it because they'll
say I kind of feel bad for this girl or guy so I'm sticking it out I just don't think that much confidence I kind of but oh my god every day whoa meat so that's the interchangeable they thing the covert narcissist will do in a relationship for example is like yeah it must be nice she got that promotion like I'm happy for you but I've been working at this for years it must be a lot easier to get ahead in your job Wow really fascinating okay now in our other video when we were talking about
how to spot the signs of a narcissist yeah you really use the pronouns he has him a lot okay is are men more likely to be narcissists than women they are statistics have always been very clear on that's much more prevalent in men if I were to take all the narcissus in the world my guess would be 8020 that's changing that's changing sad to say this is one of those times women are gonna break this glass ceiling their ketchup a narcissist but yeah it's definitely more men and part of that is socialization men even as
boys are not taught to talk about their emotions as much to not be as tuned into that empathy compassion vulnerability these things are not valued in boys and they're not valued in men and those are often the core of character and so we tell boys ignore those feelings toughen up and so that tough and openness can turn into things like a lack of empathy and so men are also very measured on their achievements being a provider of making lots of money and having a big title having a big house and so those kinds of drives
which are definitely pushed more for men more valued in men those are again are very superficial drives and so as a result they're going to be more manifested in men which again can make that greater vulnerability to being more narcissistic we just tolerate it more if a woman behaves in a narcissistic way she's often checked early in the game whereas if a boy or a man behaves that way he's not called out would you even say maybe they're applauded not only they applauded there are CEOs there are world leaders they are our celebrities they are
our athletes they are our music stars you better believe it in fact if I wrote a book on narcissism it becomes a how-to guide for how to achieve in the new world order that is a huge huge statement yeah and it's true and it's true it's true yeah if you wrote if you wrote a book about narcissism it would be the house guide on how to succeed in the New World Order yes in business and in wealth accumulation yes in your interpersonal life absolutely not yeah I want to talk very quickly about the mental health
implications of leaning into that narcissism for success what does that do - somebody's internal mental health I don't think you can fake narcissism I think you can get for a minute I often talked about in effect in my second book I did talk about this concept of acquired narcissism or acquired entitlement by that I meant if you're incredibly wealthy you're very used to the world running on your schedule you have a team of assistants people picking you up in cars you don't wait in lines the world really works smoothly for you if you will what
can happen is then when they go back to normal life like they're with their friends or people from their past they may have that very kind of like quick entitled do this do that and then someone will say slow down sister I am NOT your assistant and they'll often be like oh my god I'm so sorry and there'll be genuinely passion at that so I do think that what they they're not narcissistic per se they're just sort of used to running through the world in that way but if they said oh no you will do
what I said I am that important then they're probably narcissists data so that idea of faking narcissism to get ahead I don't think most of us can do it I can be even I'll even give you a personal example I remember way when I finished college I tried to get into a job in the financial services sector at Wall Street kind of a company I bombed not forget the first date the first hour I'm like oh all you guys want to do is make money they're like yeah I'm like no no that doesn't what about
their feelings they're like well I'll talk about that here so literally that I got the job it was 9:00 9:05 a.m. I realized I made a mistake by noon I realize like they were like we're just gonna keep you around doing some clerical work and I started using their computers to apply for a job in psychology I mean I could I could not sell water in the desert I'm like let me give you my water you're thirsty honey like that's me which is why I'm me and not a you know CEO yeah would be I
don't have what it takes most of us don't well you did find exactly what you were supposed to do what I do it doesn't you again it doesn't pay well I you know I mean we you don't you choose your place in the world but unfortunately we do live in a very materialistic and consumerist society and as long as that's the case narcissism is going to win because it's about putting yourself first and not really caring as much about others yeah and so that those are the people are always going to get to the head
of the line and so can some people turn it on and off probably not like your narcissistic it sort of bleeds into other areas of your life and part and people say well how do they even have friends some people cut them a lot of slack I think that the great narcissists getting get away with murder catchphrases that's just how he is and that's why they get away with a lot not to mention that they can sometimes be very generous when it's going to get them what they need so they may buy everyone big dinners
and take everyone on big vacations so it creates this illusion that there's lots of people around them I'm not so sure those people will be around just on the basis of how they treat them it's all the stuff they're making possible for them it's like narcissus often have big beach houses they're there for the waves not for his personality hmm well well said excellent always fascinating talk to you thank you so much cue for more information on all things mental health make sure you go to med circle dot-com there you can get a digest of
all of the relevant mental health news sent directly to you exactly when you need it are you dating one of those types of narcissists let us know in the comments section below thanks again for watching my name is Kyle Kittleson and this is med circle [Music]
