Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Cob Bear. Folks, [cheering] >> listen to that.
Yeah. >> Listen to that fortitude. I want to salute everyone in this audience tonight who braved frigid temperatures here in New York City.
[cheering] Give yourselves a hand. [applause] Give yourselves a hand. If you were able to do this, that means the frostbite did not take your fingers.
Congratulations. Not just It's not just New York. uh huge swath of the country is now we're under an Arctic air mass.
So for the record, Greenland attacked first. Okay, they had it coming. You want a piece of us?
[cheering] [applause] Cuz we want a piece of you. Freezing weather is even hitting down south this weekend. The forecast calls for ice and snow as far south as Texas.
[cheering] >> Yeah. So they're officially updating the state slogan to I swear everything usually looks bigger in Texas. You know what I'm talking about?
We're all adults. [applause] [laughter] >> Upper Midwest is also getting to hit hard this weekend. Temperatures in Minneapolis are expected to plunge to around 0 degrees, which could hinder the Trump administration's continuing immigration [cheering] crackdown.
Listen, I get it. I get it. I understand the feeling.
I understand the [cheering] feeling everybody. I understand those ICE agents are doing terrible things up there, but they are human beings. So hopefully, and I mean this with respect.
No, come on. We can't be like that. I mean this with respect.
I hope their dongs freeze and snap off [cheering] like a like a graham cracker. [cheering] [applause] That's of course overseas there's a different chill in the air cuz Donald Trump is burning bridges at an astounding and irreparable pace. Whatever happens next, America is never going to regain the world's trust.
Cuz we're not just going through a couple of rough weeks or months or even years. The whole world is living through a period of momentous and harrowing change. As Bob Dylan once sang, He's truly a poet.
Nobel Prize. [cheering and applause] >> Nobel Prize. >> He got a Nobel Prize.
[applause] Say Trump spoke at the World Economic Forum in Davos in Switzerland. And he wasted no time confirming that his brain real broke. Cuz here's what happened.
When the president tried to talk about the territory he wants to grab, which is again Greenland, I'm helping Europe, I'm helping NATO, and I and I've until the last few days when I told them about Iceland, they loved me. I don't know that they'd be there for us. They're not there for us on Iceland.
That I can tell you. I mean, our stock market took the first dip yesterday because of Iceland. So, Iceland's already cost us a lot of money.
Dear Lord, he's on an imperial conquest and he can't even remember what he wants to conquer. A president had been this adult since Reagan at the Berlin Wall. >> Mr Gorbachov, I am in France.
Yeah. [applause] When when one of the journalists when one of the journalists who was attending the the summit at Davos, a woman named Libby Dean tweeted that Trump called Greenland Iceland multiple times. Caroline Levit responded, "No, he didn't, Libby.
His written remarks referred to Greenland as a piece of ice because that's what it is. [cheering] You're the only one mixing anything up here. That is some gradea big brother propaganda.
As George Orwell Aswell wrote in 1984, "War is peace, freedom is slavery. Caroline Levit is a dumbass. " Yes.
[cheering] Yeah. [applause] Eventually, uh, Trump did remember the thing he won't stop talking about and and just why he wants it so bad. >> So, what we have gotten out of NATO is nothing except to protect Europe from the Soviet Union and now Russia.
And all we're asking for is to get Greenland. >> Yes, that's all that's all we're asking for. Just one measly Greenland.
For far too long, for far too long, something that I've wanted has not been mine. And I never asked for anything other than everything that I want. And once you give it to me, I promise I'll forget you ever gave me anything.
Cuz it all all goes to the hole in my soul that can never be filled. You can you can shovel. You can shovel everything you [cheering] want.
Give me Give me aha. Give me ah. [applause] Just shovel anything you want into that pit.
It just gurgles and burps. Then Trump made a major announcement sort of. We probably won't get anything unless I decide to use excessive strength and force where we would be frankly unstoppable.
But I won't do that. I don't have to use force. I don't want to use force.
I won't use force. >> He's going to use force or anything else he wants. And and and he thinks they should thank him because come Trump gave his European audience a little history lesson.
And then after the war, which we won, we won it big. Without us right now, you'd all be speaking German. >> Yes.
Without us, you Germans would probably be speaking German right now. And the Portuguese would probably be speaking what sounds like Spanish going through a garbage disposal. [laughter] Before he left, Trump begged one more time for that Nobel Peace Prize.
>> I settled eight other wars. India, Pakistan. I mean, I settled other wars that were Vladimir Putin called me Armenia, Aberian.
That that is not how you pronounce the name of that country. [laughter] Try again. >> Acid >> menofen.
>> Nope. Nope. No.
What? One more try. >> Iceland.
>> There you go. [laughter] Later on, Trump gave his review of his own speech and he veered into some disturbing territory. >> We had a good speech.
We got great reviews. I can't believe it. We got good reviews in that speech.
Usually they say he's a horrible dictator type person. I'm a dictator. But sometimes you need a dictator.
No. [cheering] Nope. No one ever needs a dictator.
There's a reason you never see ads that say, "Anybody want a hemorrhoid? " [applause] As if he wasn't on camera enough today. Before taking off for Davos, Trump did a little interview with the news station News Nation and he was asked about the weapons that they used down in Venezuela.
>> There was a weapon used, a sonic weapon that took out many of the Cuban bodyguards that were used to to defend Maduro. Uh, lots of people saw the details about that weapon and were concerned. >> Nobody else has it.
We have weapons that nobody knows about. And I say it's probably good not to talk about it, but we have some amazing weapons. >> We have amazing sonic weaponry.
I shouldn't talk about it, but it's called the Miami Sound Machine. And the Cuban guards couldn't resist. You know why?
The rhythm is going to get him. That's why [cheering] it's going to it's going to see this and the bongo. One hand one hand doesn't move at all.
It's still This hand does and that hand comes in. Regardless of what Trump says, the rest of the world is still preparing for him to use force on Greenland. Yesterday, one Danish politician responded to Trump's threats against his country.
Let me put this in words you might understand. Mr President, off [cheering] >> what? Wow.
I have no idea. [cheering] Okay. [applause] Okay.
Yeah. What? [cheering and applause] I want I think I I want some more Danish slams.
Mr President, what's the difference between you and Hans Christian Anderson's classic fairy tale, The Ugly Duckling? The duckling. Boom.
[cheering] Gargle my umlau. Greenland. Uh Greenland, you know, the country in question.
Greenland is also on high alert. Yesterday, their prime minister told residents they must be prepared for a US invasion and the people of Greenland are already pushing back on Trump. So, we have Putin on one D side doing what he wants to and Donald Trump on the other side doing the exact same thing.
The things that comes out of his mouth, >> it's just insane. >> We are not interested in being Americans. >> Okay, I get why you're angry.
But before you say you're not interested in being American, have you heard about the new Applebee's OM cheeseburger? What if your burger What if your cheeseburger was sliced in half in a factory accident, then started drowning in a shallow pool of cheese, and the only way to save it was mouth-to-mouth yum susitation? [cheering and laughter] I tell you folks, [applause] I'm going to miss this country.
[cheering] If this madness isn't mad enough for you, it gets more. Reportedly, Canada is prepping a response to a hypothetical US military invasion. No.
Canada was supposed to be our escape from all this. What's he going to invade next? Heated rivalry and a weed gummy before bed.
Of course, it's no secret Canada has been gathering intel on the US for years. And now, one of their top spies is stealing secrets from one of our astronauts. The Canadian military took a second.
Did that take a second? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
[applause] All right. Canadian military is gaming out the creation of a 400,000 plus strong reserve force to fend off a US occupation. And we have footage of the Canadians building their fortifications.
Stones help weigh down the base. >> This is all This is all This is all so bizarre. >> Okay.
Or as they say in Canada, bazour. Our countries haven't been in armed conflict against each other since the War of 1812, which ended with the British defending Canada by destroying the White House, which you'll never be able to do this time, Canada, cuz we beat you to it. We got a great show for you tonight.
My guests are James, Jessica [cheering] Williams. When we come back, meanwhile, join us once you [applause] [music] >> [music] >> Yeah.
