Commander vexor stood at attention on the observation deck his forearms clasped behind his back as he watched the transport vessels descend from orbit the morning's Golden Light caught their gleaming holes making them look like falling stars quite the dramatic entrance for the new batch of human recruits he mused with a slight twitch of his mandibles Commander the first transport requests Landing clearance announced Lieutenant priter her luminescent antenni flickering with nervous energy should we prepare the medical teams for landing clearance don't be ridiculous Lieutenant vexor replied though he understood her anxiety after all these were humans
they were dealing with death worlders just the word made his exoskeleton tingle no sir I mean for when they exit the transport the gravity here is 1.2 times Earth standard surely they'll need assistance vexor let out a chittering laugh Lieutenant you clearly haven't read the briefing materials grant them clearance and he paused for dramatic effect you might want to step back from the viewing window the first transport touched down with surprising Grace for its bulk the landing pads reinforced christle surface designed to handle the weight of cargo ships creaked under the pressure a sound that
made PR's antenna droop in concern the ship's doors hissed open and out stepped no bounded a human female she wore what they they called a standard issue training uniform though it looked more like battle armor to vexor eyes behind her 20 more humans emerged each carrying what appeared to be personal gear packs that would crush most sensient species holy seven moons pra whispered her mandibles clicking rapidly they're jumping indeed the humans were performing what they apparently called jumping jacks right there on the landing pad their instructor the first female who had exited shouted something that
sounded like welcome to your first day of Hell maggots vexor quickly accessed his translator implant surely there must be some mistake maggots were larval insects on Earth weren't they and why would hell be welcoming they're acclimating to the gravity he explained to Pria trying to sound more confident than he felt apparently this is standard procedure the second and third transports landed disgorging More Humans who immediately joined the exercise routine not a single one showed signs of gravitational distress in fact they looked bored sir PR's voice quavered slightly the one in front she's smiling the human
instructor whose name tag read Chen L was indeed wearing what Vex Thor had learned to recognize as a human smile in his experience such Expressions usually preceded something extraordinarily unpleasant attention Chen's voice boomed across the Landing Pad Amplified by nothing but her own vocal cords I'm instructor Chen you're here because you think you're tough you think you've got what it takes to be part of the first joint human Galactic Federation training program she paced in front of the recruits her boots leaving slight indentations in the cristle vexor made a mental note to requisition stronger Landing
Pad materials well I've got news for you sunshine this isn't your mama's boot camp this is basic training emphasis on basic because quite frankly the real stuff would give our alien friends up their cardiac arrests all six of their hearts vexor instinctively touched his thorax where his Hearts pulsed steadily how did she know they were watching more importantly how did she know about Centon cardiac Anatomy now drop and give me 50 Planet push-ups not that Earth gravity nonsense to vexi Thor's horror all 60 recruits dropped to the ground and began pushing themselves up and down
with perfect form their bodies remaining rigid as boards the impact of their movements sent tiny vibrations through the landing pad registering on the facility seismic sensors sir PR's voice had risen several octaves the system is registering this as a level two seismic event disable the warning system vexor ordered his eyes fixed on the display of raw human power below something tells me we're going to need to adjust our parameters as he watched Chen lead her troops in what they apparently considered a warm-up vexor couldn't shake the feeling that his comfortable position as the Academy's toughest
instructor was about to change dramatically he trained the finest Warriors from a 100 worlds but this this was something else entirely Lieutenant send a message to command tell them we're going to need to reinforce everything below instructor Chen had started singing something about a blood soaked ground and bodies falling down while her recruits responded with disturbing enthusiasm the morning sun cast their Shadows long Across The Landing Pad 60 figures moving in perfect Unison like some kind of terrifying War dance and this vexor realized with a mix of dread and Fascination was just day one dot
the next morning found Commander vexor rubbing his compound eyes certain he was hallucinating his mandibles clicked rapidly as he watched instructor Chen demonstrate what she called proper lifting technique to the recruits this is a standard weight pack Chen announced hoisting what appeared to be a solid block of compressed Metals 300 lb or about onethird of what you'll be carrying by week's end 300 lb vexor translator must be malfunctioning that was more than the combined weight of four adult centons um Commander Lieutenant pre's voice cracked our sensors indicate that's actually 350 lb Chen tossed the weight
pack from hand to hand as if it were filled with feathers your morning routine is simple 10 laps around the compound standard weight pack no breaks the compound was 12 miles in circumference questions Chen's smile could have Frozen plasma no then move it move it 60 humans scrambled to grab their weight packs vexor expected to hear screams see crushed limbs call for emergency medical evacuation instead he watched in stunned silence as they hoisted the packs onto their backs and started jogging sir prer whispered should we inform them that they're exceeding the structural load limits of
the perimeter track vexor attention snapped to the readings the reinforced track designed to support heavy military vehicles was indeed groaning under the combined weight of 60 carrying what amounted to the mass of a small shuttle each look at them he breathed Fascination overriding his horror they're talking talking while running with enough weight to collapse a standard building two recruits near the front of the pack were actually laughing about something called Netflix another was complaining that this was easier than his high school football practice High School PR's translator squealed with feedback they do this to their
adolescence Chen jogged alongside her troops somehow managing to both run and berate them simultaneously my grandmother moves faster than this and she's been dead for 20 years pick up the pace you pampered primates the humans responded by breaking into song something about crushing skulls and bathing in glory the translation software gave up halfway through and started displaying error messages send a priority message to engineering vexor ordered watching cracks spread through the track surface we need to reinforce everything and I mean everything already done sir preacher replied though they're asking if this is some kind of
joke a human recruit dropped his water bottle he bent down to retrieve it 350 lbs still on his back using what vexor recognized as a squat movement that should have pulverized his spine instead the human straightened up took a drink and sprinted to catch up with his Squad instructor ch vexor called through the communication system perhaps we should consider the structural Integrity of not to worry Commander Chen called back not even breathing hard this is just the warm-up wait until we break out the heavy weights heavy weights heavy weights vexor felt his exoskeleton grow cold
sir prit an Tenny were practically tied in knots did she say yes Lieutenant she did vexor watched as the humans completed their first lap some now engaging in what appeared to be a competitive speed walking contest send another message to engineering tell them to double whatever reinforcements they're planning and then double it again below Chen had produced what looked like a personal entertainment device since you're all moving like slugs let's add some motivation winter of this lap gets first shower losers do burpees the humans accelerate ated the track's surface began to Splinter vexor made a
mental note to update the Academy's insurance policy something told him they were going to need it today's light cardio session will take us through the gamma Valley obstacle course instructor Chen announced pointing at a Terrain that made vexor carapace crack with anxiety 20 mi full gear through the sulfur pits and plasma geysers gamma Valley had been designed as a natural barrier against Invasion no sane species would attempt to cross it yet here was Chen treating it like a morning stroll the toxic fog adds a nice challenge she continued checking her chronometer perfect timing it's acid
rain season pra pulled up the environmental readings sir the ambient temperature in the valley is approaching 140° F the acid rain has a pH of Two And The sulfur levels like cardio one recruit raised his hand Marcus Rodriguez according to his tag ma'am that's it no weights Chen's smile widened just your standard gear Rodriguez though if you're feeling spry you can carry your buddy without hesitation Rodriguez hoisted another recruit onto his shoulders gear and all ready ma'am these humans vexor muttered they're insane the squad set off at what they called a comfortable pace splashing through
puddles of acid that should have dissolved their boots their path took them directly through a geyser field where superheated plasma periodically erupted from the ground sir pra's voice hit a pitch he'd never heard before there singing again indeed 60 voices had joined in what appeared to be a traditional human running song When the Sun Goes Down In Hell the translation software crashed again 3 miles in Chen called for a water break instead of stopping the humans simply passed around cantens while maintaining their Pace Rodriguez still carrying His companion started telling jokes is that recruit sleeping
vexor zoomed in on Rodriguez's passenger the human was indeed taking a nap bouncing comfortably on his squadmate shoulders through terrain that would kill most species at Mile 10 they hit the sulfur pits the humans didn't even slow down they leaped from rock to rock their movements precise despite the heavy gear and toxic fumes one recruit stumbled nearly falling into a bubbling pit his squadmates grabbed him pulled him up and the entire group continued as if nothing had happened they're treating this like a game preacher observed her antenna twitching in disbelief look that one's doing tricks
a female recruit Kira Patel was indeed performing what appeared to be gymnastic Maneuvers while crossing the Hazardous Terrain in full gear in acid rain through toxic fog at mile 15 Chen finally showed Mercy Sprint finish last one back does tonight's latrine Duty the humans accelerated again through the worst terrain on the planet while singing update the training protocols vexor ordered everything we considered extreme label it as warm-up everything we labeled impossible Market as moderate difficulty what should we label as extreme pra asked they watched as the humans crossed the Finish Line some going directly into
push-up positions to cool down I don't think we have a classification for what these humans consider extreme vexor replied and honestly Lieutenant I'm not sure I want to find out dot Commander vexor mandibles dropped as he watched the light sparring session unfold in the training Arena below instructor Chen stood in the center of 60 humans all of whom were engaged in what appeared to be Mutual attempted murder remember folks this is just practice save the good stuff for next week Chen's voice echoed off the reinforced walls Rodriguez stop pulling your punches my dead grandmother hits
harder than that Rodriguez sporting what humans called a black eye grinned and delivered a strike that sent his opponent flying 3 MERS backward both humans laughed helped each other up and immediately resumed trying to dismember each other sir preacher's voice trembled our medical AI has crashed it's registering too many simultaneous fatal injury predictions tell it to recalibrate vexor ordered watching Kira Patel execute a move that should have snapped her spine in three places these aren't fatal injuries to them they're having fun the training room floor designed to withstand artillery testing showed deep impact craters where
humans had been thrown dropped or simply decided to use their partner as a makeshift meteor good form Jenkins Chen shouted as a recruit performed something called a suplex that by all laws of physics and biology should have killed both participants but remember to follow through with the ground strike Jenkins nodded and proceeded to demonstrate what a ground strike meant the floor's reinforcement groaned sir pra pulled up the structural Integrity readings the impact absorbers are at 90% capacity should we a human went flying past the observation window don't worry about me the Airborne recruit shouted cheerfully
as he plummeted working on my breakfall technique that's the spirit Thompson Chen called out but next time try to land on your feet this isn't gymnastics class Thompson somehow Twisted in midair landed in a roll and immediately sprinted back to rejoin The Fray the medical AI tried to reboot and crashed again now let's make this interesting Chen pulled out what looked like weighted training gear partner up winner has to carry the loser through tomorrow's endurance course the humans cheered cheered as if the prospect of adding more weight to their light jog was a reward look
at their faces prer whispered in horror they're smiling all of them even the ones bleeding indeed every human in the room wore an expression of pure joy as they engaged in what any other species would consider a gladiatorial death match Rodriguez and his partner had somehow turned their bout into a contest of who could throw the other higher that's it Patel use your opponent's Mass against them Chen's voice carried over the sounds of impacts remember in real Combat you might face something three times your size Patel all 5'6 of her proceeded to demonstrate how to
incapacitate a much larger opponent using what she called basic leverage her partner despite outweighing her by at least 100 lb found himself examining the ceiling tiles up close sir pria's antenni were practically tied in knots according to the standard combat training manual at least 47 of these moves are classified as lethal Lieutenant vexor replied watching a human use another human as an improvised projectile I don't think our man ual applies anymore note that down as recreational activities the sparring session continued for another hour humans rotated Partners shared tips on more efficient ways to throw each
other around and occasionally stopped to demonstrate particularly interesting techniques the floor continued to collect impact craters all right cool down time Chen finally announced standard recovery exercises the humans paired up again and began stretching each other in ways that made pria's exoskeleton Creek in sympathy joints bent at impossible angles spines twisted like rubber and still they kept smiling Commander pra's voice was barely a whisper the next training module is labeled Advanced combat techniques vexor watched as Rodriguez helped relocate his partner's shoulder both of them laughing about some shared joke Lieutenant Mark everything we we've seen
today as preliminary Basics and order more floor reinforcement much more welcome to the puppy course instructor Chen's voice carried across the sprawling death trap they dared to call an obstacle course today we're keeping it simple just a basic run through with live fire exercise Commander vexor translator glitched on the word puppy surely this course with its plasma pits automated turrets and Quantum razor wire couldn't be meant for young Earth Kines standard rules apply Chen continued loading the turrets with what vexor recognized as armor-piercing rounds get shot you do it again get shot twice you do
it backwards anyone who dies has to fill out the paperwork and triplicate the humans laughed they laughed ma'am Rodriguez raised his hand are we using regular explosives or the fun ones regular for now Rodriguez we save the fun ones for graduation prees and tenny went limp sir they consider antimatter charges regular the course started with a 100t climbing wall completely vertical covered in grease under heavy machine gun fire the humans took one look and grinned race you to the top Patel shouted already halfway up dodging bullets like they were raindrops last one up buys drinks
the wall designed to be impossible to climb became a playground humans swung leaped and in one case break danced their way up all while Under Fire that would cut most species in half good evasion Thompson Chen called out as a recruit back flipped over a burst of plasma fire but try to be more efficient with your movements this isn't a dance recital they reached the razor wire section normal species would stop assess plan these humans they rolled through it some humming Tunes one complained the wire wasn't sharp enough sir PR's voice cracked they're using the
quantum Razer wire as floss the automated defense turrets programmed with Advanced targeting algorithms seem to be having an existential crisis humans moved in ways that defied their targeting protocols treating lethal fire like a sprinkler system they needed to dodge time check Chen shouted over the explosions you're all moving like you're on vacation pick up the pace the recruits responded by somehow moving fast through the impossibly deadly course Rodriguez grabbed two of his squadmates who'd been clipped by bullets hoisted them onto his shoulders and continued running now that's teamwork Chen nodded approvingly though next time try
carrying three as the last recruit crossed the Finish Line smoking slightly from a near miss with a plasma burst vexor made a decision Lieutenant update the training classification mark this course as suitable for human children and order more ammunition much more below Chen was already resetting the course all right that was a good warm-up now let's do it blindfolded the humans cheered welcome to Vacation week instructor Chen announced to her recruits standing beside a drop ship hovering over an active volcano 7 Days minimal supplies first task don't die Commander vexor watched in horror as the
humans received their supply kits one knife one match and a piece of string remember folks this is basic survival Chen continued so we're dropping you in the easy zones active volcanoes Arctic wastelands and underwater caves the really fun stuff comes later precious antenni curled into knots the easy zones the first group led by Rodriguez got dropped into the volcanic sector temperature 300° fah toxic gas levels lethal Rodriguez's response he started teaching his team how to roast marshmallows over lava flows sir they're they're having a cookout in an active volcano team two under Patel's leadership got
dumped in the Arctic Zone temperatures below - 60° their first action building snow forts for what they called tactical snowball Warfare excellent ice sculpture Jenkins Chen's voice crackled over the Cal as a recruit carved a perfect replica of the Mona Lisa but focus on Survival First Art later the underwater cave team turned their death trap into a spa day they found geothermal Vents and made hot tubs someone started a beding pool on who could hold their breath longest day three Rodriguez's team had established a thriving community in the volcano complete with a cafe serving Lavar
roasted coffee Patel's group had domesticated the local predators and was using them for sled racing the underwater team they'd started a pearl farming business status report Chen demanded on day five ma'am we've established trade routes between the zones Rodriguez reported cheerfully the ice team trades frozen desserts for our volcanic Spa rocks and the underwater team provides Seafood vexor stared at the monitors in disbelief they've created an economy in survival training sir pria's voice wavered should we tell them this was supposed to be a punishment exercise Lieutenant I don't think they'd understand the concept on the
final day Chen gathered the recruits all of whom looked disappointed to leave next time Thompson suggested could we try somewhere more challenging like a black hole vexor made a note in his report humans consider near-death experiences recreational request immediate review of all training protocols below Chen was already planning the next vacation today's final exam is just a formality instructor Chen announced standing before a holographic display of what appeared to be every lethal training Zone combined into one massive death course nothing fancy just complete everything you've learned simultaneously Commander vexor entire Command Staff had gathered to
witness what they assumed would be a respectful formal graduation ceremony instead they watched humans treating planet obstacles like a playground first up heavy lifting contest while running the obstacle course Under Fire followed by hand-to-hand combat in the volcano ending with a relaxing survival challenge in the quantum anomaly Zone Chen read casually remember this is just basic stuff Rodriguez stepped up first carrying three teammates in their gear sprinting through plasma fire while solving complex mathematical equations Chen shouted at him ma'am can we make it harder this feels like cheating Patel followed somehow managing to improve the
obstacle course's efficiency while completing it the plasma turrets could be optimized for better coverage she suggested between backflips through the quantum razor wire sir pra whispered they're not just completing the course they're critiquing its design the assembled alien observers watched in stunned silence as 60 humans treated what was essentially a planetary Extinction event as their morning workout some were taking selfies with the antimatter explosions in the background time Chen called out as the last recruit crossed the Finish Line casually patting out a plasma fire on their uniform not bad for beginners though next time let's
add some actual challenges vexor stepped forward to deliver his final assessment his mandibles clicked rapidly as he searched for words in light of today's demonstration he managed I have only one recommendation for the Galactic Federation Council never ever make humans angry the newly graduated recruits responded with their loudest cheer yet while Chen simply smiled that terrifying smile of hers so Rodriguez asked still caring his teammates when does the advanced course start official reported to Galactic Federation High command from Commander vexor Training Academy overseer subject human basic training program assessment priority critical recommendation immediate Alliance esteemed
council members I write this report with trembling appendages and a profound respect for what humans casually refer to as taking it easy after overseeing their basic training program I must strongly recommend immediate alliance with Earth preferably before they realize just how terrifying they are let me elaborate on why first our impossible obstacle course they use use it for morning stretches our Advanced combat simulator they call it a playground the quantum razor wire we designed to slice through Battleship armor one recruit braided it into her hair claiming it held better than hairspray instructor Chen a human
female who I'm convinced could arm wrestle a black hole into submission informed me that this was their gentle introduction to military training when I asked about their Advanced courses she laughed the sound still haunts my dreams speaking of dreams I no longer sleep not after watching recruit Rodriguez carry three of his squadmates through an active volcano while complaining that the lava wasn't hot enough for his coffee or after witnessing recruit Patel teach a master class on Advanced physics while dodging antimatter explosions because and I quote multitasking is fun their survival training which we designed as
punishment turned into what they called a corporate retreat they established trade routes between death zones they domesticated creatures we believed were immune to domestication one recruit started a successful tourism business in the underwater caves complete with five-star reviews and a waiting list the medical AI has filed for sentient rights after trying to comprehend how humans can survive their own training methods our structural engineering team has submitted a group resignation stating that physics itself seems to bend around these creatures the maintenance crew now require IR Ires therapy after watching humans use plasma Burns to toast marshmallows
but perhaps most terrifying of all is there constant desire for more challenge when informed they had broken every record in our Thousand-Year history their response was to ask if they could try again with a handicap to make it fair Financial impact assessment 47 reinforced training grounds destroyed 312 indestructible obstacles reduced to scrap one Quantum razor wire collection transformed into decorative friendship bracelets three AI systems requiring extensive therapy one volcanic training zone now zoned for commercial development psychological impact on staff 100% of alien observers now sleep with lights on 87% increase in applications for vacation time
1,00% increase in stress eating among cafeteria staff several physics professors have taken vows of Silence recommendations one immediate alliance with Earth two complete redesign of all training facilities to human standards three substantial increase in training facility insurance coverage four creation of new difficulty ratings Beyond impossible five mandatory therapy for all alien observers six stock more marshmallows personal notes I watched a human juggle plasma cores while giving a lecture on proper grenade throwing technique another used our Quantum phase shifter as a back scratcher their response to every lethal scenario we presented was either is that all
or can we make it more interesting they don't just survive what we consider impossible they turn it into entertainment they've transformed our most challenging training grounds into tourist attractions the gift shop they established in the volcanic zone is I must admit doing surprisingly well final thoughts as I conclude this report I hear instructor Chen planning next year's actual training program I've already submitted my retirement paperwork effective immediately my replacement will find a well-organized folder labeled things humans consider boring and another labeled physics laws humans casually ignore to the council act quickly on this Alliance not
because we need to fear humans but because we need their help in understanding how they've turned violations of universal constants into a recreational activity with trembling respect and Mild PTSD Commander vexor PS recruit Rodriguez asked me to attach his business proposal for extreme tourism volcano Edition it's already fully booked through next year PPS please send more reinforced training equipment the humans broke the last batch during their light warm-up ppps no seriously Alliance now before they decide to get creative
