somebody just told you something but you know it's a lie if you call it out well it's just going to be worse they're going to double down on it but if you leave it alone well that can be just as bad on today's episode it's all about how to respond to a liar welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy leaning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and if you would please leave
a review I want to let you know that my new book next conversation is officially out on pre-order and I'll have the links for it in the notes and as always if you have any topic suggestions just throw them in the comments and I'll be reading them when somebody tells you something that you know to be a lie number one take a pause and say I need to come back to this conversation I need to come back to this conversation if they're telling you the truth no problem they're going to say okay take your time
but if they're not telling the truth oh they're not going to like it because it's telling them that you're not buying that they're going to have this big overreaction and say things like what what do you think happened or well you think I'm lying they're going to try and reconstruct the narrative while you're talking number two you can also say something feels off something feels off if they're telling the truth they're not going to have any problem with it they're going to try and work through it and say what what feels off let's talk let's
talk about it but if they're not oh they're going to just spiral they're going to try and actually Gaslight you and challenge your sense of reality and say things like you are literally insane right now or do you know what what you even sound like you're crazy number three you can say nothing at all 10 to 15 seconds of silence and in that silence Liars actually start to talk to themselves they'll start to say things like what what are you what are you worried about that that's not even me you know why why would I
even say something that's that's not the truth and they'll start to just falter and flip and get really defensive and that's your sign that you're dealing with a liar now I want to make sure and tell you that this is not a one siiz fits all there are personalities people who may be neurodivergent or people who are more prone to ere explaining things or needing to elaborate on things that make them sound like they may not be telling the truth that they may be lying or they're trying to construct things in a certain way that's
not the indicator I don't want you to think that people who have to talk a lot necessarily are lying to you the key the indicator that I like to see or that I look for is a big overreaction where we might be talking at a level three and as soon as I may try to challenge a little bit of the fact to say that doesn't seem to match up to me something feels off they go all the way to to 12 where all of a sudden they're highly defensive they are on the attack they're starting
to say things that are ugly they're starting to challenge in a way that it is not meshing with the level of a three that we were previously talking at so when you see this big hide and overreaction followed by Major defensiveness that's your indication that ah I need to trust my gut here I need to listen to myself uh not just what they're saying but really what my sense is because every one of us you and I and everybody have a six sense about us when we can tell somebody is not telling the truth somebody
is not being entirely genuine so I don't want you to think that just because they're elaborating over explaining they're trying to pull one over on you everybody has different ways and you're going to know based upon the personality and specifically what you're talking about maybe you're talking about something in a relationship maybe some kind of fact that you know to be true and they're trying to push you another way just be careful about it and understand that one size does not fit all one thing about liars is that they don't like delay whenever you add
distance between what they said and when you believe or don't believe what they said they just twist in the wind they hate it because it tells them that you are not taking the bait they want that immediate reaction they want you to just continue to go along as if everything they said is fine they want to be a smooth liar they want everything to be just fine for you to take their story but the more suspicious you are the more they will push back at you understand that those who tell the truth they really have
no problem with it you take all the time you need I know my my truth is my truth so let's put it in a innocent example let's say you asked me you said Jefferson what did you eat for breakfast this morning and I said oh M and they go I don't I don't I don't know about that are you lying to me say no and the more defensive they got the less I'm going to get upset about it because I know I'm telling the truth I know I I what I ate you need to take
a break from the conversation you need to think about something something feels off to you okay let's talk about it why does it feel off but I know what I did I don't have to hide anything but if I'm telling a lie well then I'm going to get more defensive that you're not buying it so often when people are delaying that conversation the more Liars are going to twist off just be prepared for that well I like to start out with number one of this is something that I need to come back to when you
say I need to come back to this conversation or I need to think about this it's delaying it you're saying okay I hear you I need to do some thought on my own process this and then come back in other words I need to do some research Liars don't like you to do research they want you to just buy exactly what they said so understand that that is something that is going to be part of that package when you say I need some time to think about this and it also empowers you to say look
I I know what I heard but I also know what I know I know my facts so I'm going to take some time with this and I'm going to think things out that's the way to respond in those situations another reason that I like number two and that is something feels off that is really easy for you to just say something feels off they're going to say what's what's wrong you go something something feels off people who are telling the truth have no problem talking with you through it okay just let's let's talk about it
what what fills off let's talk people who are liars don't want to talk they don't want to talk they just want you to believe they want you to take a hook line and sinker so they will have this big reaction Don't Be Afraid when if in that moment they try to what they call Gaslight you or try to say that you're attack your character they attack you personally and say you're crazy you're insane do you know how literally insane you sound right now don't take that kind of bait that's all it is it's just bait
they're going to try and get a rise out of you because the more upset that these people can make you people with toxic traits or narcissistic Tendencies they're trying to get a rise out of you to get you more upset and now you're fighting about the lie and you know what they're going to do they're going to keep going keep going all the way to a level 12 and then they'll flip on you they'll flip and say I don't know why you're always attacking me you know you never believe me you remember what you did
four months ago something that they bring up the past and all of a sudden they're pointing it out that they're the victim and you're the one that's the attacker or the offender just not believing them and never understanding them and you don't really get them and now all of a sudden you feel like you're in a position where they're wanting some kind of apology and this is just another instance stay away from that listen to me stay away from that when you add silence and add delay even 10 15 seconds of Silence makes a huge
difference when it comes to handling somebody who's a liar because if you were to say if you were to point out right away that's a lie you're a liar you think they're going to go yep you're right thing you got me ah you're so good you got me absolutely not they're GNA say what no I'm not no I'm not I'm a liar oh yeah me what about you and all of a sudden it's just going to get worse they'll double down on it and you're going to have to peel back layer upon layer but if
you just give the silence they will have that conversation for you they will have the conversation in their head that oh my gosh they're not buying okay I need to I need to tweak I need to Pivot I need to say something else or I need to a little bit more reveal the truth without you having to say a thing now that that is true control I'm going to share a story real quick with you when I was probably about 3 years ago I had a case and often in car wreck a major issue is
texting while driving as you can imagine now people don't like admitting that they're texting while driving everybody does it and it's it's terrible it's a major major cause of commercial and personal autocase accidents so a part of the question generally in a deposition is whether somebody was texting well I was talking to this guy taking his deposition he was on the other side of me and I asked him I said said you were were you texting while driving automatically said no no I I never text while I drive problem number one he just said I
never never is an absolute so if you're going to use an absolute it if you're going to say never it better be never so first thing he said was I never text while I drive but here's the thing I already had his cell phone records I had all of his mobile records you don't know what people are texting you just can see the transmission of when they send a text when it was received I already had all that because as attorney gave it to me it's part of the trial so I already know I have
that but I don't bring it up right away instead I just give about 10 seconds of nothing 10 seconds of nothing and I just kind of looked around the room looked at him for a second and in that moment within not even 10 seconds he said well I mean I you know I I sometimes I do but most most of the time I don't right there okay he just what they call in Texas crawfished here in the South meaning you you're backing up you're backing up what you just said you're actually uh going back on
it saying well I mean he went from I always or I never to which is an absolute to well I mean I sometimes do but I wasn't doing it right then all I did was repeat his lie I just repeated it I said you never text while you drive all of a sudden he started like well I mean I mean I I I mean sometimes I do sometimes I do and I gave it a little bit more time and then I followed it up with you were texting your coworker that day weren't you at that
point he was so far off the ledge that you're inviting him to come back and at that point he was just kind of relieved he's like yeah I I think I I think I was yeah yeah I'm pretty sure that I was and that at that point I just twak a little bit more you were it's not how you think you were you were yes I I was boom right then I don't have to call out as a liar I don't have to have this big ordeal I don't have to try and hurt his credibility
in a harmful way I can still be respectful and give him just a chance to walk off the plank often just giving that a moment of silence and letting them hear their thoughts and saying nobody in this room is believing this right now they understand that all their feet uh the floor underneath them the carpet underneath them just got pulled they have nothing else to stand on and they'll go back to safety because they know that their lie is not being taken now we're at the point of the podcast where I get to read a
question from a follower if you're not already part of my newsletter I send a communication tip once a week right to your inbox where you can ask me questions and I get to respond to it it's a lot of fun for me and I always pull one so I can talk about it in the podcast this one is from April April is in Nashville Tennessee Jefferson I love your stuff so much thank you April I have an issue whenever I'm trying to explain something sometimes I try to I am elaborating to too much where I'm
trying to overex explain but some people feel like I am telling a lie when I'm really not I'm just trying to clarify can you help giving me some guidance there April I you're not the only one all right that's the first thing is you're not the only one there are a lot of people who feel like they just need to get it all out they just need to get it all out but sometimes the more that you say the more it looks like you're trying to hide the truth let me tell you the difference all
right it's when you're getting to the point often if I were going to ask you a question that is generally a yes or no question oh you know uh or something that is a very clear fact like what time did you get home last night or did you stop by the store yesterday these are very clear things did you is it a yes or a no do you have a time or do you not have a Time often people look like they're lying when they don't say that yes or no or that fact right out
of the gate instead they leave it for the very end so if I were going to ask you you did you go to the store yesterday which is a yes or no they'll go well I mean it's it well I I mean and they'll start talking about well first I went here and then I went there and they lay out this timeline there are a lot of people who they will have to say a timeline first like well I went here then you said that and then I did this and they need to construct it
in a certain way to get it all out there's nothing wrong with that you just have to be careful to make sure that they're when somebody's giving you that time frame they're not reconstructing in a way that does not match what you know of the facts but what causes the problem April is when you wait to the very end to say that yes or a no if I ask you what time it is and you start talking about something else and at the whole point I'm thinking why aren't you answering my question why aren't you
answering my question you're just trying to explain what I hear is you're trying to delay and you're trying to hide what can eliminate that is when you give the the answer your point right out of the gate and then say can I explain period did you go to the store yesterday yes I did can I share with you something else all right that's going to give you a whole lot more room to to say I like to I I need to get some stuff off my chest or there's sometimes a question isn't a yes or
a no a lots of times my clients get in a deposition they get asked questions and what I train them on is some questions aren't a yes or a no they're not black and white but attorneys sometimes will try and corner them and some people try to Corner you into certain conversations instead you just answer with that's not a yes or no question for me that question can't be answered in a yes or a no that's what I teach him I can't answer that question in a yes or a no can I explain or I'm
happy to explain and I'm happy to share some more on it so I don't want you to feel pressured that just because you need to explain things it means that you're not telling the truth that's not it's not what that means all that means is you just need to rearrange the structure of your sentences give the the point and at the very beginning then explain rather than first thing out of your mouth is let me explain as soon as you say that first without giving the point so if I ask you a question and you
say Let Me Explain people go oh great you're not going to give me the answer you're hiding the answer you're delaying the answer and it makes you look more like you're not telling the truth so what I would encourage you to do is try to say the yes or no the answer direct answer up front and then follow up with an explanation that supports that answer not the other way around thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoyed this episode I'm going to ask you to follow it and if you would
just leave a review today we learned that when you're dealing with a liar one of the best things to say is I need to come back to this conversation number one I need to come back to this conversation number two you can say something like that sounds off or that feels off anything that says this doesn't feel like the norm something doesn't feel right about this and number three if you need to just say nothing at all silence is often the best tool for liars to spin out of control and reveal that they weren't telling
you the truth and as always you can try that and follow me
