D'Arcy Carden (FULL EPISODE) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hi, my [music] name is Darcy Carden and I feel literally very happy about being Conan O'Brien's friend. >> That's so nice. I was afraid you were going to say compelled. [music] >> Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. I'm joined by Matt Gorley. Good to see you, Matt. >> Hi. >> And uh joined by Sona Msessian. And Before we get started today, Sona, um, you loves you some television. >> I loves me some TV. >> And you have a new fixation. Yeah. And you were very excited about it. I didn't even hear what

it was. I saw you very animated talking to everybody here at the Larchmont headquarters. And so I said, "Whatever you're talking about, stop and let's preserve it on air." I don't know what you're going to say. I honestly don't. >> What is this new show you're watching? Tell us about I'm watching a new show that a lot of people are watching and it's called Heated Rivalry. >> Heated Rivalry. >> And you probably heard me talking a lot about butts. >> I I didn't hear the butts part. >> Oh, there I was saying butts a lot.

>> That's any given day with you. >> I know. >> You could talk about the economy. You Could talk about tariffs and it would be all butts. [laughter] >> How come we I'm not seeing as many butts these days. We're the German butts. Well, until the tariffs are lowered. THOSE TARIFFS. I WANT THOSE GOOD GERMAN BUTTS. UH, [laughter] >> WHAT? UM, YEAH. OKAY. I don't know anything. Heated rivalry. And what do you mean it's about butts? What's What's happening? >> So, it it obviously is more than butts. It's these hockey. >> It doesn't say obviously

with you. It could just be >> It could just be butts. >> It could just be a screen with butts floating around and you'd be happy. >> If they had a show just called butts, I would watch that show. >> You would have made that show. [laughter] Yeah. >> You'd be executive producer. Yeah. All right. So, um, I will not interrupt you. Tell us about heated rivalry. >> So it's it's about hockey players. They're professional hockey players and they're also gay. Um so but they can't be out because they're professional athletes in a sport that

isn't typically accepting of that. So it's very like they have to hide it >> and they're on different teams. >> They're on different teams. >> I guess that explains the title. >> They have to hide it. Oh >> okay. So they're on different teams. >> Yeah. So they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it and then they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it and it's just like doing it hockey. Doing it hockey and it's so much fun. And I think that you guys are not the demographic. And to

be honest, I'm not really the demographic. But like when I >> Well, wait a minute. Why do you say you're not the demographic? >> Because I'm a woman and I'm straight. Um, but I do think that the people that are watching this show are gay men and straight older skewing women >> because and because the women want to see the butts. >> I love seeing these like hard bodies and I like seeing them naked and then I like seeing them do it. Yeah. >> And then uh >> Well, how graphic is it? Is it as

graphic as your hands doing this? [laughter] >> My hands are buttoning each other. Butts. >> Oh man, she's got it on the brain. No, there's just like it it's um >> there's no Jonas Kakaroo is what you're saying. >> There's no cockaroo. Say Jonasakar hopefully. Fingers crossed. Say Jonas Kakar. I'm not going to say J. There's no J. Jonas Kakaroo. There's no J. Jonas Kakaroo. So there's no Kakaroo in it Yet, but fingers crossed there will be. >> Do you think there'll ever be some Simus B Kakaroo? >> Stop. Oh my god. [laughter] >> How

about Big Jim and the Twins? Oh god, I hate talking about this with you guys, but you know, I used to go to like my friends used to throw parties at gay bars and they were just for gay men and but I liked being in the corner and watching them just kind of dance and it was always fun. This is making me sound. Are you a creep? I am a creep. I don't know what it is about two dudes getting it on, but it's like they have like hard tight bodies. >> Can I ask you

a question? And this is these are I think I'm doing a good job keeping this serious. >> Um, no I am. >> Yeah, I [laughter] veered off with Jay Jonas Kakaroo, but I held back when I did. I didn't say Hezekiah Hakaroo. [laughter] >> Here's my question. >> What are you do you want to see and I do? >> Are you nothing? Are you are you equally turned on by a really good-looking, hard-bodied man and woman doing it, or would you prefer to watch two guys doing it? >> That's a good question. Let me ponder

for a second. Um, I think >> is the woman a distraction to you? Do you like >> two guys because it's two of what you like to see? >> I think that it's part of it is because it's it's taboo. It's not it's not okay. They have to be secret about it. If a guy and a girl are doing it and it's like secret, like, "Oh, we shouldn't be doing this." That's that that's good for me, too. I'll take that, too. Right. But I like that it's like, "Oh, no. We're hockey players. We shouldn't do

it, but let's do it." >> Is that how they talk? [laughter] >> No. >> Oh, no. We're hockey players. We shouldn't be doing it. Well, time to get back on the ice. [laughter] >> Oh, no. A hat trick. >> [laughter] >> He says hat-tick in one of his hattick. Yeah, they say it. >> You mean because he had he finished three times? >> Oh, no. Cuz he did a hattick in a hockey Game. >> Don't act like that was a serious question. You said no. I'm being serious. No, you weren't. [laughter] >> Yes, I was.

>> No. >> What's a hat trick when you're doing it? Like you jizz three times? >> Oh, three three time jizz fest. >> I don't think they've ever Have people said that in relation to >> I have no idea. >> Then shut up. What the hell is he talking about? Maybe it's they finish in a hat. >> Oh, nice. It's a hat trick. I just wanted to say son and I were talking about Heated Rivalry earlier and you kept making the point I'm not the audience for this show. I'm not the audience for this show.

And then I said, but Jigalow's like probably your favorite show of all time. You're exactly the audience. >> Jigalows is not my favorite show of all time, but I love Jigalows. But Jigalows is men with women. Listen, Sona's on record from the day I met you as liking to you enjoy a naked male body. >> Yeah. >> But here's what's interesting to me, and I I I want to get specific here. Um I get the sense that you like to see a man's naked butt. Uh but you're you're not, and maybe this is true of

all women, the The Jay Jonas or the the Kylie >> call him Hezekiah. You've already >> No, no, the Kylie T. Kakaroo is not as [laughter] essential like that's not a part that women visually are as interested in. Is that correct or am I wrong? >> That is actually >> I'm just going off my experience of you know and this is back in the days when I was single but I would you know walk in and I my pants were off and women would Say oh my god [laughter] no one needs to see that. Um

and I would say oh I guess male genitalia is something that's not attracted to women. And then they would always say, "No, I love if I'm with a guy for the first time, I love seeing their genitalia." In this particular instance, I want to conone vomit into a sieve [laughter] and watch the juices drain out. >> Oh god. >> Amidst the peas, the carrots, >> and the little undigested marshmallows of Lucky Charms. >> Oh my god. >> That's But that's just me talking from my my experience. Is that what you've experienced as a woman? >>

Oh my god. [laughter] Um, no. >> Remember that time we were on the road and you were helping me out and I was taking a shower and you thought I didn't know anyone was there and I stepped out and you saw me and you said, "Jesus Christ." This is a quote from you. [laughter] That ain't no And then you said, "What happened, bro? You in the you in the war. Remember that farm [laughter] accident?" Yeah. Remember that? >> No. Oh, and I think uh just to clarify, I've never seen you get out of the shower.

>> Yes, that was that was that was that was a joke. That was a >> uh that was sort of an image to kind of amuse the listener, but nothing based in fact. But let's get this straight. Seeing a bunch of butts, male butts, fine, but you don't need to see stuff swinging around. >> I could do hard bodies. I don't you know, if it's well lit, I don't mind it. What does that mean? Yeah. You know, if it's if it's like >> You mean tastefully lit as opposed to bright lights. >> Well, also, you

know, uh back in the day, I remember we did a segment and we kind of gave out this fake email address for me, but then they actually made it an email address and then I checked it a few times. Me and a few people checked it and there were quite a few dickpicks in there that people had sent. Yeah. >> But they were all asking for medical advice [laughter] >> to be fair. So, we were like, "No, no, no. That's cystic. That's just a cyst. >> Some are missing posters. Have you seen this dick? [laughter]

>> Yeah. >> You know, when a cop goes missing, it's heartbreaking. >> Yeah. >> And sometimes the shows up later on and it's grown up. >> Oh god. >> Oh [laughter] god. >> Has a new name. >> Yeah. No, that that's those I don't Need. I don't need those. >> You don't need it, right? >> But if it pops up on heated rivalry, I will happily accept it into my life. >> I'm just asking this for my own personal edification. What is good lighting for a penis? Well, I think >> for say a man my

age, what would what lighting would help it? >> I um no lighting. Well, that's what I'm thinking. >> Yeah, just complete pitch darkness. Yeah, I think is a good way to do it. Yeah. >> And then just send a picture of a black screen and don't take a picture of anything. >> Pitch black lighting, but then hand them one of those night vision goggles [laughter] >> like Silence of the Lamb's going, "How do I get out of here?" >> And there's a [laughter] a weird penis wandering around in the dark. >> I'm going to get

you. I'm going to get you. >> Wait, why is it speaking? I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you. >> Adam, you look squeamish. What's wrong? >> I think this is our some of our best stuff yet. And you look like you just got off of Twilter World. >> I'm enjoying it quite a bit. >> I don't think you are. >> Twiling. None of you are even slightly curious About the show everyone's talking about. >> I guess I'm by curious. >> Okay. >> No, no, I am I haven't heard of it. I don't

know anything about it. >> All right. I don't know if I believe you. Well, okay. I mean, I would proudly tell you I've been watching and that I loves me some butts, but I I don't know anything about it. How big is this thing? Uh, Blade, remember you're remember you're speaking into a Microphone. You have your mouth over it >> like you're bringing it to climax. Just settle down. >> I want to eat it. >> You know, it's that's not a Hezekiah Kakaroo. [laughter] >> Just remember and then speak in the way you would if

you weren't yelling at a plane at an airport. Go. >> It is a cultural phenomenon. It is. I I went I went to everybody I've talked to this weekend, Everyone is watching it, male and female. And I will say it's based on a series of books and I really want to check out the books. >> I'm just saying I'm a big I'm a big reader. You [laughter] know what? You took our most erotic talk yet and completely dejized it. [laughter] >> You watch you, you know, I got to tell you something. I got to TELL

YOU SOMETHING. PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU KNOW [laughter] WHAT? I'D LIKE TO READ IT IN book form. >> I'm just saying. >> I JUST WATCH IT FOR THE ARTICLES. IF THE BOOK COMES FIRST, it's usually better. And I think if the book this he'll it'll be No one. I'm I'm being serious. >> Yeah. Yeah. That's the sad part. Okay. [laughter] This conversation has been atrocious, >> and I blame all of you. At least I tried to elevate it by giving various penis references, wonderful old 19th century Names. [laughter] Eustace P aaroo. [laughter] All right. My

guest today is an extremely talented actress who has starred in such TV series as The Good Place, Barry, and Broad City. Uh, I'm delighted. I'm delighted she is with us today. She's a friend. She's hilarious. She's so talented. Darcy Carden, welcome. >> I'm going to just say it out front. Darcy is one of my favorite people. And You know, I love you to death. And you're one of my favorite people. And we've said this before, but I met you long before the world knew about Darcy Cardon. I met you when you were a receptionist. Yeah.

>> Uh at some business and I came in and uh >> and Conan the Conaned the hell up. >> Yeah. I was [laughter] so Conan with you because I was like, "This woman behind the desk is really funny." And they kept calling me in like, "Con, you need to Come in. >> Check out these rug samples." >> Yeah. Rug samples and these architectural drawings. And I'm like, "I'll be there right there with you. Got to talk to this receptionist first. Now listen here. We've got to solve [laughter] this crime. See? >> And I'm like, he's

doing it. He's doing the thing that I love. >> He's as sick as I thought [laughter] he was. But um I'm so happy you're here. And uh and I, as I said, uh I just needed that that shot of the Darcy Carden energy. >> I love you and I love you guys. It's so fun to be here. I was telling you I was I I I was on a plane this morning and that would usually deter me from being on camera and being in front of people. I'm like, "Oh, you know, take the day off

or whatever." But when I I heard this was the day I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to be there cuz this is not >> I don't work. >> I don't feel compelled." That's true. But I feel I I I'm so happy to be here. The last time we did this >> in here, where was it? Was preco. >> Were we at >> Yes, we were at Airwolf Studios. Yeah, we did it right before CO and then it came out during >> some say we started CO remember you sneezed [laughter] and I and I used a

a crudely made fan to push it out the Window and then other people started sneezing. >> I know. >> Yeah. And then we blamed China. I remember that was Oh she said. [laughter] Oh she said >> you covered up my gaffa. Oh [laughter] >> The resonance on that. That was gorgeous. >> [laughter] >> Um, I'm so curious about so many things. Uh, first of all, I know you grew up in the Bay Area, and here's the question I always have. Why don't we all go live in the Bay Area? >> That's a great question. >>

Because I'm from Boston. I like LA a lot, but I'm always wishing I like LA, but I wish it was kind of misty, and I wish it was cold at night. I wish it rained. I wish it had some architecture that went a little further back than >> I think the oldest structure in Los Angeles is from 1991. [laughter] >> And so, and there is a place like that. San Francisco's kind of a Boston sort of without that accent. >> I know. It's so great there. And then all the all the little cities around it,

Berkeley and Oakland and Alama. And it's it's really my hus Jason, my husband, he says hello to everybody. I first of all, major man crush on your husband. The feeling is that is a that is a funny Good-look fella. He is cute and uh cute, you know. Yeah. Yeah. >> I totally get it. [laughter] >> OH, >> SODA, take it easy. >> Yeah. yeah. Darcy's husband. What's his name? >> Jason. >> Jason. >> Um and uh uh whenever we're up there visiting my family, we we we did this months a few months ago. We were

in San Francisco and we were driving through these streets and we were like, "No, but could we just live here?" >> Yes. I think the same thing sometimes because they also have Dr. Seuss trees. >> They have really good food >> and it's beautiful. And the times I've had to go up there recently uh for different work things. I'll be in the Bay Area and I'll start to think the same thing like why don't we just move this whole project up to the Bay Area? I Could get those Tech Bro >> vests on vests. >>

Yeah. And then we could have a startup that fails miserably but walk around and say we're tech bros. >> The dream. >> The dream. >> You think you could be a tech bro? >> No. No. I mean I'm going to dress as a tech bro and I'm going to have the hubris >> and I'm going to have I'm going to be a A dicky tech bro but know nothing about tech. >> Yes. >> People are going to see me struggling to just make a phone call on my phone. But I'm going to say I'm working

on something called Kate. You know [laughter] >> a billion shares. a billion ship. >> Yeah. And you're going to be my vice president of sales and Gory's going to be the Lord High Emperor. >> I've already quit at this. [laughter] Thank you, though. Thank you. >> No, I just made up the scenar. >> No, I'm out looking at the view to a kill filming locations. [laughter] >> Oh my god. Okay. Well, anyway, we would have a really good time and Sony, you'd come to I mean, I think you'd like it there. >> I love San

Francisco, but the weather is actually a problem, you know, it's a deal breaker for me. Listen, I know San Francisco municipal government might be interested in giving us an incentive like a huge tax break or giving us homes because this is a sizable operation, isn't it, Adam? >> Homes. Okay, I'm back in. >> I am willing to move to the Bay Area. No offense, LA. I love you, but I want to wear a Tech Bro vest. >> Yeah. And it's the only place you can get them. >> Yeah, >> it's true. You know what? I've

tried to buy them other I tied tried to buy one. I think I was in Cleveland and they was like, "This is not San Francisco." [laughter] >> They got really mad at me. >> It is funny. I mean, growing up in the Bay Area in the '9s, it wasn't tech bro land. Although maybe I mean, I'm sure it was becoming that cuz I guess that's my Apple. Microsoft was that there >> old school Silicon Valley. >> No, Microsoft is Seattle. >> Seattle, >> but Apple was like Apple was Certino. >> Certino. Yeah. >> Um, >>

yeah. But it was God, I loved growing up in the Bay Area and and almost my whole family is still there. So, we're there all the time. I'll be there for for >> Wait a minute. Would you and be honest here, >> let's say we did move up there. Would You uh cohabit? Would you live with in an apartment, a fairly small apartment? Would you and Jason live with me and Liza? >> Yeah, we would. >> Okay. >> No, we would. You don't. You don't think about it? >> No, we would. [laughter] And what I'm

talking about is a bunk bed with four beds like the Three Stooges have. >> So look, husband and wives are not even together. [laughter] >> Well, no, >> it goes it goes >> once you've been married for two years. [laughter] >> No, anyway. No, it's years. >> Um, two months. No, I'm kidding. Uh, but um, no, I I just would love it if we live together and then on the morning and whoever's up towards the top there's a pole and you get to slide down. >> I go, "Here I go. >> Here I come." [laughter]

And I go, >> just slick up the pole. >> And Liza, who's left by that point, [laughter] >> cuz she's like gorly has said, I'm out. >> Yeah. Liza and I are living together at this point [laughter] >> in a different bunk bed >> in San Francisco. >> Well, we found our own city, but it's undisclosed. [laughter] >> Yeah. Um >> I love Liza. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, we love Liz. >> So do I. >> Uh [laughter] that's okay. I like this riff. Maybe it's not a riff. I'm >> sorry. As Sona often says to

me, Liza is the only part of you I like. [laughter] >> My favorite thing about you, >> she's pretty special. >> But, uh, this is, but I I just I'm fascinated with you, Bay Area. And, um, and then you you you turned out so funny. >> I'm thinking, is this something that's in the water or is this more of a situation like I mean, I never know what this comes from. >> I know. Well, I think it's Thank you for saying I'm funny. I think it's um >> Well, we're taking that part out. >> Okay.

So, this will make no sense. [laughter] Um I think it stems back from it is from family. So, I don't know if that's I don't think that's Bay Area specific, but it's like it it was like keeping up with funny aunts and uncles. >> Yes. >> Oh my god, did that feel good. You know what I mean? Making funniest uncle laugh. >> Making adults laugh. >> Yes. >> You feel like you you're Robert Redford the Natural hitting the lights and they explode. It's the same thing. >> It is the same thing. I know. And I

had different types of I'm really like my aunts and uncles were very funny are very funny. And it was different types of comedy and I feel like I learned a lot of different types of ways to be funny from them. And and um they Yeah. Think making an making my uncle Mike laugh. Holy did that feel good. Still does. Oh my god. >> So then at some point you've got you must be a theater kid. >> Theater kid big time. like started doing play like knew started doing plays when I was like nine and that

was kind of game over. Isn't that weird? That's too young to know that. But I really was like this is it. This is why I've this is why I'm here, right? >> I got to be on stage. I got to be doing plays. I got to be doing just whatever whatever community theater play is is is up next, I'm in it. And and that led me to, you know, majoring in theater in in in um college. And it was really just so tunnel vision to theater theater theater. Are you doing musical theater? >> Yeah, musical

theater. >> What kind of shows are we talking about? >> We're talking about Okay, let's start with We got Guys and Dolls, we got Little Abner, we got Cabaret, we got um an original musical called Let's Go to the Movies. And yeah, Let's Go to the Movies, too. >> Oh, [laughter] wow. Is this written by someone at the school or something? >> It was written by a like a childhood friend that I did theater with, but when we were in our 20s. >> Oh, lovely. [laughter] >> Yeah. It was one of those plays that it

was in like it was in a community Theater in in the Bay Area and we were like well this is the best so many of the plays are like this where you're like I think this is actually the best play that's ever been at this theater and then with a few years removed you're like [laughter] oh that that was dog that might have been dog but at the time you know it feels great. >> And you were in I think you were in uh Good Man Charlie Brown. >> I Oh my god. Conan I mean

obviously you Just Googled something but that was >> Google that. He was he was at the production. I do not. I was there. I was a scout. >> Oh my god. That's >> That kid's going places. Sir, you have to leave. [laughter] >> Sir, why are you here? She's nine. You're under arrest. >> I want her on my podcast. [laughter] >> What's the podcast? You'll find out. You'll find out. Now, back to the Future. >> Your tech bro vest is on fire. >> I [laughter] know. >> That's the company I'm going to start. Time travel.

>> I That was my first That was my first >> And who were you? >> I was Lucy. >> Oh, that's okay. That's cool. such a you know that's when that yeah good gig I got paid in absolute [laughter] nothing >> it was yeah but Lucy um I and that was Like >> you try something that you want to do and then they say good job and then that's it for me I just need a little bit of this and then I'm like okay >> that's the dopamine >> yeah that's the dopamine yeah um and

yeah I mean I remember I I remember so much about that show I was 9 years old I remember I remember My grandpa had just had surgery to [laughter] Have a leg removed. [laughter] >> Is this cosmetic? >> This thing's in the way. >> Why too? >> Why too? >> I wonder it all the time. >> I know. Everyone in this room has that. Yeah. Anyway, and and um but he came to the play in a wheelchair and and he and my grandma came in a in a limo like an 80s style limo because that

was kind of The only thing that he could get in. [laughter] >> Anyway, I remember that so clearly and it's all forget. I know. I know. And um I remember my parents and my grandma and my grandpa being in [clears throat] a place where I could see them and I was singing a solo. >> Mhm. And I was saying the wrong part and >> I looked at the piano player for help and she gave me the next line and I and in front of everybody I went I already Said that part and everybody laughed and

it was a bit of a moment. >> Oh, good. So you you turned around. >> It was very lucy. >> So it went well. It didn't go badly. >> It didn't go badly. I mean, it was like I wasn't trying to be funny, but >> I thought it went badly. And your grandfather stood your grandfather shouted, "This is going to say stood." >> Your [laughter] grandfather shouted, >> Your grandfather was hope to his one Foot and shouted, "This is the worst thing that's happened to me in memory." [laughter] >> Well, um I'm glad I took

his malady into turned it into my joy. >> I'm going to tell you another story about my grandpa and losing his leg. I remember when my mom [laughter] told me that this was going to happen. Grandpa had surgery and they had to remove his leg. I remember going to visit him at the hospital and um [laughter] And Okay, so if you're grandpa >> Yeah. >> you're in the bed in the hospital bed >> and she was like, "Don't mention it, guys. Kids, [laughter] don't mention it." You know what I mean? Just like mention sing a

Christmas carol or something like that. [laughter] Just like keep it happy. And I just remember like stare if if this is the way your body would be. I remember like standing on his bedside And kind of staring at his face and just being like >> and you put your hand down where the leg would be. >> Sort of be like, "Yeah, it's gone. It's definitely gone. There's no leg there." [laughter] >> That's >> Did it ever come up after that? Did you ever bring it up? >> Well, he died. >> I knew it. >> And

that's going to happen with grandpa's. >> Well, they all die eventually, but was it the loss of the leg that >> it I don't I think it was pretty soon after that. >> A >> but not related to the thing I've been joking about. [laughter] >> Yeah, that would make me feel bad. I want an autopsy. I'm a guy who's who hires forensic scientists to do Autopsies just to make sure the thing I was joking about was not [laughter] the thing that killed. >> That's a new crime show that I do. >> But not the

thing I was joking about, right? >> That's so funny. Um, >> Conan, it was not the thing you joked [laughter] about. Good. >> Yeah. Grandpa Don, >> my grandpa had one leg, too. >> For his whole time being your grandpa? >> Well, no, he Yeah, for the whole time being my grandpa. So, I never got to do the whole like coming to the hospital and seeing right one leg. Yeah. [laughter] I'm sorry. I know. >> I NEVER GOT TO GO to the circus. >> RC, my newly legless grandpa. >> I know. I should [laughter] kind

of bragging. It was kind of a brag. You were like, I was there when it was a fresh wound. [laughter] I can't believe I had grandparents that both had their legs. >> Grandpa's just had one leg. >> Yeah. Yeah. I just thought that's how grandpas were. But they have two, >> right? >> Some have two. [laughter] >> Yes. No. Some do have. Yeah, >> some have none. >> That's true. >> Which leads us to Conan's movie. [laughter] >> Oh, >> which I haven't seen yet, so let's not talk about it. >> Okay, >> but I

can't wait to see it. >> If I had legs, I'd kick you. You know, I think there was this miraculous thing. I I I didn't know this, but I love trying to figure out the story of people who I really adore and how did they come to be? because this I refuse to believe that there's a world where you would not Have risen to fame. I do think that it's inevitable if you have your abilities and your personality. So all of that was going to happen, but what was interesting to me is always how it

happened. And I didn't realize broad city was really the >> it was >> the nucle I I always start with your next project which is the good place >> and I know there I'm sure there are other things before that. >> Not really. >> Right. So it was I didn't realize it was broad city. >> Yeah. >> So tell me about that story. Who did you know? >> I I came up at at the Upper Citizens Brigade with Abby and Alana. So I knew them and and Paul and Luchia. These I should say last names.

Abby Jacobson, Alana Glazer, Paul W. downs, Luchia and Yellow. >> Okay. >> Um Paul and Luchia do hacks, but they were also writers and directors on Broad City. So those were my people coming up at UCB. Those were like >> in line to audition for the team with them and and you know uh >> um did that make sense? It did. I'm thinking of a memory in line with Abby to like audition for her first Herald team. Things like that. Um, so, so when they got the chance to make this TV Show, they put me

in the pilot as just a small part, but I hadn't been in a TV show before. And then when the show got picked up, they had to really rework the pilot and I got cut out of it and they put me in another it gave me a different role in another episode. Like they just kept there was like no, they just kept putting me in it and I was probably only in like one or two episodes a season, but it really did change my life. And [clears throat] when I when I auditioned For the good

place at my test where you it's like down to you and the other person. >> Mhm. >> When I walked in an episode of Broad City had aired the night before and Drew Goddard and Mike Sher were talking about it. They were like, "Oh, it was such a funny this that with this thing you did." And I was like, >> "Oh, that's such a great ramp in." >> Yes. >> They already like you and they've already seen you do good work. >> Exactly. >> When they're auditioning you for The Good Place. >> Exactly. So, I

just like all the nerves were shed and I and I um you know they they built me up before an audition that I feel like I got in I feel like I got that role in that audition. Does this I don't want this to sound cocky at all but I felt really prepared and I you Know that's very cocky. >> It is. >> Yeah. [laughter] I mean I just said you had done all this work >> and then I said you know what I think I think I was really well prepared. >> Yeah. And that's

s that turned everybody against me. Huh. >> There's a chill in the room. Like I can see my breath now. She just she's cocky. [laughter] >> Yeah. Yeah. >> I don't like a cocky woman. >> What if you had said and this sounds cocky, but I think I'm the greatest performer [laughter] that ever lived. >> Right. >> No, I just it was I think um you know getting um I keep losing I keep feeling Yeah. There it is. There. I It's you. I've [laughter] been feeling you. >> That happens all the time. >> What's that?

Your hair came off. >> Yeah. Leave it in here for the next person. >> I'm going to plant this on a crime scene. [laughter] A strange murder in Catalina has been solved. Darcy Carden has been arrested. [laughter] >> Wait, okay, wait, wait, wait. >> An orange woman was seen fleeing. [laughter] This is reminding me of something that I really do feel like you will understand Because you're like me with this. Anything for the laugh. My niece Clover, who's four now, when she was a baby, before she was even one, her hair was starting to get

a little bit long and she had like this tiny little like naughty little little like just a little knot in the back of her head that they couldn't they couldn't brush out. So, they said, "Let's cut it." It was going to be her first little haircut. So, we cut it and I took it and I ate it. >> Yes. [laughter] >> And they laughed. I made my sister laugh and my husband laugh and my brother-in-law laugh. I feel like you would have done that because you really in the emergency room ate it. I was so

tiny. >> And I love her so much. >> And you love hair. >> And I love to eat hair and I just want any reason to eat hair and this was a great one. But she's so >> But you didn't get sick or anything. >> No, she's a baby and she's gorgeous and she has perfectly fine gorgeous. >> This is the I've seen you at club gymnastics there with my daughter. Yes. >> You know, I ate Clover's hair. >> Yes. >> You know Clover and I ate her hair. She has beautiful hair. >> It is

really funny to eat something you're not supposed to eat and kids love it. Yes, it really is. >> But I if I need to really get a kid, uh I that sounds awful, but [laughter] >> I really need to make a kid laugh. >> Now, when I have to get a kid, that's a whole other thing. >> No, I really need >> you need the van. Anyway, it's 3 weeks. No, they [laughter] they love it if you're like, >> they love it if you're, you know, if you have a if you have a TV remote.

>> OH, GOD DAMN. I'M MIMING A television Remote. You freak monsters. I really need to get this kid. >> I need [laughter] to get that kid. >> Now, if you're mimming a TV remote, uh, no. If you have a TV remote in your hand and then a you're talking to a kid and you go, "M, delicious." And you lick it. >> Nine out of 10 times you've got them. >> Oh, I'm going to use that and I'm going to take credit for it. I'm not going to say, [laughter] >> "Well, I tried registering that with

the Writer's guild. They told me to screw up." >> I'll tell my little niece, I'll say, "That came from Conan's brain." And she'll go, "Who? >> Who? >> God damn it, that brought me down. You got to get to the that generation. She's four. [laughter] >> No, I'm the same thing. I immediately become a child. When Sona's kids, who are fourins, when her twins come running Into the building, I immediately all work stops >> and I'm chasing them. Then they're chasing me. Then I'm saying it's it's a if I see they've got chips, >> bags

of chips, it's a it's a good thing no one TOOK MY CHIP. WHAT? >> And then they're running around. And so then you usually take them away because you know they're not going to sleep for 2 days. But I also know I'm not going to sleep for 2 days. >> But you feel so good. It feels great. >> Getting a laugh from a kid. >> It's It works both ways. When you're a kid, making an adult laugh is the best thing in the world. When you're an adult, making a kid laugh is the best thing

in the world. >> It's so right. Cuz both of them are not a guarantee at all. >> It's it's it can be hard to Not getting a laugh from a kid is humiliating. >> Oh, I've been there. Sure. trying hard >> and then I'm mad. >> Yes. Embarrassed. Trying harder, >> still failing. >> Yeah, >> that's hell. That's hell. >> Okay, you've seen my work. [laughter] >> Yeah, that's um I mean we're >> I was I think I've mentioned this before, but worth retelling briefly. Uh good friend of mine, Mike Cassign and I who were

at the Groundlinks together, Someone saw us and said, "You two are really funny together. Um would you show up at our my kids party?" And we said, "Sure." And we dressed up as minstrels and showed up at this kids party with guitars. Bombed like I've never bombed in my life. It was in a park in Santa Monica. >> These kids hated us. >> Oh my god. >> And there was and and until the mom made us tag out. >> Okay. >> The mom was like, "You should just go." It was Mike and I walking back

to our cars with our guitars dressed as jesters. >> And and um I that hurts as much as anything is hurt in show. >> I bet that's really true. I don't >> It is true. Everything is Everything is exactly That's what happened. That is what happened and it was awful. >> And the feeling is the same as bombing In front of a theater. >> In a way, it's kind of worse because you feel like kids are seeing the real you. You know, [laughter] >> I think we just saw the real No, I'm being honest. So,

but what do what what does that reveal? >> Yeah. >> I think it's when >> when a kid is looking you in the eyes and not buying it, you think they have X-ray vision and they can see like to Your bones, >> right? And not that they're going like you suck, but they're just kind of looking at you like >> Yeah. [laughter] >> No. >> Yeah. Cuz they're pure honesty. No reason to hide anything. >> Yeah. They don't care, you know? I mean, now >> one of the things I like about making a kid laugh

is they don't know, oh, he's Done many series and he has a body of work, so I should laugh now. There's none of that. They don't care. >> Who is this? >> Yeah. And that all enrages me. [laughter] >> Um, yeah. So, I mean, one of the things that fascinated me about uh The Good Place was how much clearly Mike Sher was interested in ethics and what's ethical. And I can just contrast that with some of the things that are happening in the World today and in the news. Were you raised with any religion? >>

I was raised Episcopalian, >> which is a pretty easy one. >> Yeah. [laughter] Liz is an Episcopalian. >> And um it's it's like cool, you don't have to show up anywhere. >> Does that feel like to you that that's cheating? >> I can tell in his [laughter] face like Episcopalian touching you. >> It's just No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Episcopalians. [laughter] >> No. Do you know what I mean? Show up. don't show up. It's all good. You seem like a good person. >> Um, >> yeah, it was easy. >> Yeah. >> It was more about

like like I like hanging out with my friends at this church and eating cookies >> cuz when Liza and I were getting Married, I had to get married in the Catholic church. It just I mean when I say have to, I mean, >> I'm not going to call my mom >> and my dad and say, "By the way, it's going to be at at a church called It's It's not going to be at a church. It's going to be on the beach at Groovy Point." Right. um [laughter] bring some sunblock um and some good vibes.

So, we were married in a Catholic cathedral in Seattle, but I remember Liza's family was like, "Okay, that's what you want." Like, we'll go to that. >> But this did Did Liza feel like she was like performing wedding? >> Yeah, I think she was doing me a major solid because she knew how meant it how much it meant to my parents. Yeah, my dad really wanted us to get married in a church as well and we had to have sort of like a like a not hard conversation because we were episcipellian so it's not that

big of a deal but he was he Just was it couldn't quite why wouldn't you why wouldn't you of course that's what you do >> and and I didn't want that feeling of like sort of pretending to you know playing playing getting married which I think I would have felt like if I got married in a big church >> I was I just remembered this because I was just back in Seattle um And I passed that cathedral where I got married with uh in 2002 and I went In and I had this very immediate memory

of I had been good future son-in-law the whole time I was engaged just you know good boyfriend the good you know I'll I'll pick up that tab and just nice to everybody and cuz I just wanted to make sure this deal went through this. [laughter] >> Don't screw up the deal. >> I don't want to screw up this. >> No got to lock it up. No, you you know Liza, I had to lock I had to lock this Up. >> So, uh can't let this not happen. >> So, um >> there was one member of

her family who is very religious and she had I think 10 >> two legs. Oh, >> yeah. She had two [laughter] she had three legs cuz she got your grandfather's leg. >> Yeah. She >> messed up. [laughter] >> It's not messed up. >> It's not messed up. It's not messed up. It's not messed up. It's not messed up. Yeah. It's actually really normal. It's actually >> That's what happens when someone loses a leg. It goes to someone else. Yeah. >> Yeah. She had three and she could only walk in circles. Um [laughter] >> uh anywh

who. >> Yeah. Sorry. >> Uh we're in we're we're really on this is good. >> Yeah. No, this is great. Uh [laughter] >> nothing. And you know what? I just checked my machine. We haven't gone too far with this. Um so uh anyway, she's very she a religious member of her family who's who at one point in the service which was really long. It's a Catholic mass plus a lot of other stuff. She read I think she read like 10 blessings or she was going to read 10 blessings >> and so it's all the stress

of the Wedding day and it's a really long wedding and a lot of people came and saying hi to everybody and then going back and they took pictures after the wedding in front of everybody and I'm feeling that pressure and I'm really like a a a wire that's been pulled thin and this religious member of her family came up to me after the ceremony and now it's finally my chance to be able to go and have a glass of wine, sit down with Liza, just chill for a second. And she Grabs my arm and she

says, "You know what? I read nine of the blessings, but then um the priest started up again. I didn't get to read the 10th. Could you stop everybody?" >> No. >> And say the 10th blessing, and suddenly real Conan showed up for the first time in two years. And I said, "I think there's been enough Jesus for one day." [laughter] >> And I went to my table and like downed a Glass of wine. And she was like, "What?" And Liza was gave her a look like, "Yeah, >> there's that guy, TOO." [laughter] LIKE, THERE'S BOTH.

YOU KNOW, EDDIE Haskell went away like, "Oh, gee, Mr. Clever, it's so nice to [laughter] see you." That went away. I think there's been enough Jesus for one day. >> Turned and walked. Goodbye. >> And then go. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Liza's like, "Oh, He's in our family now." >> Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. That guy. And by the way, I knew I had the ring. >> We are done. >> Deal. Done. Locked it in. Yeah, >> mic drop. [laughter] Um, so anyway, I was just curious because in my upbringing the ethics are real simple. God

is always watching and sees everything. Don't ever do anything that you not cool with God seeing. >> That's a very little literal interpretation, but when you're a kid, that's what you think is the case. >> And I took things I took everything very literally when I was a kid. And they told me once um they were talking about heaven and this is a nun because I had to go to after regular school we had to go to this place called the senacle and be taught by nuns about Catholic instruction. No, every Monday night >> and

and I would go uh to this place and Nuns with the whole habit and everything are teaching and they're writing on the board about Jesus and the the religion and the Holy Spirit. And um at one point she was talking about heaven and I said, "What is heaven?" And she said, "What's your favorite thing to do?" And I said, "Color in my coloring book." And she said, "Well, you do that for all eternity." And I looked at a camera that wasn't there and went as as Sona would say, "Fuck." [laughter] >> I was like, "That

sounds a I mean, I like to color in my coloring book." >> You sort of saw the scope of >> I just saw the scope of all I mean, I like it, but all eternity. >> I also like riding my bike. >> Yeah. No coloring in your coloring book forever. God watching. DON'T GO OUTSIDE THE LINES. >> And that's the thing is like that nun said that and you held on to that for probably so long. >> I'm still thinking. I just talked about >> Exactly. Yeah. I would I would um I would fall asleep

saying the Lord's Prayer as many times as I could because I felt I made up a system that for every one time I said it that like erases one bad thing I did that day. >> That's a rosary bead. >> Yeah, that's true. >> Rosary beads are basically >> rosary beads are hail. You know the these beads are are our fathers Lord's Prayer and these beads are Hail Marys and you work your way through them and they you know >> you say the prayer and that erases something bad you did. >> I I I don't

know if it's a one to one like deletes but if you work your way through the rosary yes that's that's like well I entered all the information you know I >> I just filled out all these forms >> and I I now I get this credit. >> That's insane. But you realize that so many religions are do this and you'll be okay. And um you know the the Vatican had a list of amounts of money you could pay to get out of certain sins. That was a regular part of the Catholic Church. >> Did I

see that list? [laughter] >> You can't afford it, buddy. You'll never get out of your own sins are. They're tiny. [snorts] >> Yeah. And I know. Um no, that was a thing I think called selling Indulgences. I don't know how I just came up with that. But um >> your brain's your brain's big. >> Yeah. Just crazy stuff I can whip out. >> Uh selling indulgences, I think, was was uh Yeah. medieval Catholic church where they could say, "Oh, uh for $100,000 in gold." >> Yeah. >> Um you get to go to heaven. Here's your

piece of paper. >> Show this when you get to the pearly Gates. And um I think that's why there was such a big backlash with Martin Luther and this whole reform movement of we got to clean that stuff up. >> Um but I think some going back to tech bros I think somebody is going to do this again. I think someone's going to come up with a program some algorithm that they say if you can give us this many corg bits um then that will translate into eternal peace. [laughter] >> Anything we Anything humanity has

done we might do again and we probably will religion. >> What's that? >> It's a new religion like someone's coming in. I'm just positing that someone could say >> that it would probably the fact I'm sure there is a religion that will require us to just do this. You know what I mean? >> Oh, I see that all the time. Yeah. I mean, I'm out and about and I see things. >> Oh, interesting. [laughter] Um, >> you know what I've noticed, speaking of being out and about and seeing things, I'm doing a lot of walking

these days, trying to get my steps in. >> Yes. >> And I have noticed that people go on walks and look at their phones the entire time. And I mean watch things on their phone as they're walking. Like people are walking and not just like, you know, in like from store to store. I Mean like going on a hike, going on a walk, they're their head is down and they're scrolling or they're watching. >> They're looking at nature scenes while they're walking through nature. [laughter] >> When I when I walk my dog cuz it's so

boring cuz she stops. >> But you have to stop. You have to stop. >> I know. I I do. I now I leave my phone at home which is bad cuz what if I like trip and fall? You could you could put a Little earpiece in and listen to some music if you need something to take the the edge off. >> I try not to do that because I mean I see people on bicycles. I know there are people on motorcycles that are listening to their tunes and I think that's insane. And the big thing

is yesterday I was side to side with someone in her car and I noticed she was her driving was a little funky. Completely down looking at her phone while she's driving. >> Scary. Yeah. I don't do that but walking I have to stop. >> God's watching. >> Yeah. God's watching. God's watching all the time. >> If you pay me $100,000 [laughter] right now, I'll handle that. >> But God is watching it. He knows what phones are. Like he's he's >> God can see through your phone. >> Oh man, you go hacked your phone. >> He's

on the other side of the screen. I Make this when I see >> God illegally went through Apple. [laughter] >> No, but you agreed to it. You signed something that said it was okay. >> When you take God to court, he's going to be like, "Read the fine print." >> Read the fine print. or a woman. It's a fine print. >> Yeah, a doctor can also be a woman. [laughter] >> Um I I make a noise when I see somebody Doing this. When I walk by them, I go like, >> "Good for you." Like >>

Yes. My It's not like saying like >> No, it's like you're coming around the corner. A little beep beep. >> Yeah. A little beep. I know we could talk about this forever and I know it has been spoken about over and over, but it really is mind-blowing. Like when you really when you when you are at an airport or whatever, when you walk into A room and you see everybody with their head down, it really is like, "How do we get here?" >> Yeah. And the other thing, rock and roll music. Oh, >> it's the

devil's music. >> You got to It'll get in your brain. What do we do? >> Well, I think by complaining about it. [laughter] >> Yeah. >> And people going, >> "And by complaining about a thing that many other people have already noticed." >> That's right. >> We've shown a light on something that already has a light on it. And we've accomplished really nothing. >> Don't you think? Well, back to our phones. >> I know. I don't like to yuck other people's yum either. It also, you know, do have you ever heard that phrase before? >>

Oh, yeah. My kids used to say, "Don't yuck my yum." >> It's such a weird thing to say, but I but it makes I wouldn't let them have any liquids or water for a year. [laughter] >> Oh, no. >> I just read an article when I was focus on my phone that said [laughter] water and liquids is bad for human life. >> Growing kids. Yeah. >> So, they got very ill. Um, >> but they're doing better now. >> They're much better now that they're having liquids. Uh, and most and water cuz that's what we're made

of. >> Um, I um I've never been angrier with any guests than I am with you right now. [laughter] >> What did I do? >> What didn't you do? You came in here with your Darcy Carden attitude. Your Darcy cocky. >> You're very cocky. >> She's cocky. >> And you came in here and then you started to say we need to get off our phones when that's the only joy I have in my life now [laughter] is my phone. >> I know. I I want to walk my dog and look at my phone. I'm I'm

on like zero. It's 3:00 p.m. and I'm on 0% battery cuz I've been on my phone all day. You understand? [laughter] >> I'm a piece of >> How many Conan clips were you watching? >> No. [laughter] No. >> Who are you looking at, buddy? >> Just looking around. >> Okay. >> There's a huge crowd cheering me right now that's in my mind and I like to check them out. >> They're gone. Conan, >> no. [laughter] >> Um, are you working with Mr. Will Forte? Are you are you not at liberty to mention? No, I'm I'm

Liberty. >> Okay. >> I'm Liberty. [laughter] >> Um, don't you love him? >> He's fantastic. >> Have you guys You've had him on the show. What a guy. We did a TV show that's coming out in Australia in December and then it'll be over here at some point. I can't wait. I can't wait. It's called Sunny Nights. We play Siblings. >> I'm kind of like wild card. He's straight laced and we um we get in with some bad people and we have to like, you know, find our way out. Now, can you speak normally to

each other or are you both in bit hell when when the other person's in the room? >> I mean, I called him I called him the other night. He He wanted me to do this charity event with him that I wanted to do and then schedule thing some schedule Thing happened and I called him the other night and he answered the phone like this. I the He picked up and he went, "Hello." [laughter] And I said I said, "Well, it's bad news." news and he goes, "Oh no, [laughter] >> what's wrong? What's wrong with all

of us?" >> I know. I know. I know. >> I don't know. I >> You're all sick. >> I was going to um only if I can find this in 10 seconds. Was going to play you a song that Will and I made up in the middle of the night. I bet the time stamp is like 3:00 in the morning in some overnight shoot and we were just trying to like keep ourselves up. Okay, let's just see what this is. I'm not quite sure, but I know it'll be something. A five, six, seven, eight. Beetle

just a fest willy mu. >> That was the best. >> That was really good. And you can hear the Australian people. >> Wait a minute. That was great. >> Thank you. And we came we came up with it in in I bet that was 30 minutes of work. That was waiting. [laughter] >> Yes, of course it was. I was waiting for the cameras to get ready and and and we We were like let's make up a song in all gibberish and then that's what happens cuz also he gets really set on something and then it's

happening. Anyway, I love him like family. I love him. >> I uh my favorite thing is yesterday Sona was standing really close to me like her face was right here and I just put a one pen in my mouth and turned to her and went I'm half a walrus >> and you lost it. so stupid. >> But I think it was that my face was so Close to hers and no, no one should ever do that. No one should ever declare I'm half a walrus with one. I think bits I think doing bits is a

language. I really do. I think it's I think it's okay. I I think I I guess you can overdo it if someone's not wanting. But I >> Oh, yes, you can. I'll tell you. >> But when I say language, I mean if you speak bit, I think it's actually like love and communication. I think it's really good. I >> Is that how you took it? >> It is. >> Yeah, because you laugh. >> I was like, "Oh, he loves me. Oh, that's nice." >> Or he's just got a pen jammed in his >> mouth. Or

or he's broken and like we [laughter] need to take him to a hospital. It could be either one. >> Sad. >> And when he actually is hurt and has like a brain issue one day, we're not Going to know. >> But that's actually okay, too. >> Yeah. >> A lot of people have talked about this, which is how will we know if he's if his mind is going, how will we know? >> But I think that's okay cuz if his mind is going, he won't know and you won't know. So then it's just kind of

like a nice >> treat. We're all talking about like this is in the future and it could have Happened years ago. >> I could be 15 years into a terrible >> I would put my money occlusion. Yeah, >> we're all coloring books and >> back to my dad's quote. [laughter] >> Back to my dad's quote. My dad who's a scient was a scientist looked at me and said, "I see uh you're making your living off something that should probably be treated." >> Oh [laughter] my gosh. >> And I was like, "He's not wrong." >> Oh

my gosh. >> Wish he hadn't said it, >> but he's not wrong. >> But he's not wrong. Wish I didn't know that. That that's true. Actually true. >> Yeah, dad. >> Well, let's keep that cash rolling in. [laughter] >> I'm half a wall. >> Huh? >> I want to do it. >> Darcy Carden, you are a joy. An abs. Try it. >> I'm the other half. >> Yay. [laughter and cheering] >> Here's your pen back. >> You should Thank you. You should immediately drop your project with WFortte and do my It's half a warrus meets

the other half. >> I'm so >> Don't shake that hand. Don't Don't make that deal. DON'T MAKE THAT DEAL. >> Legally binding in a court. Legally binding. >> Better call your paw. Okay. Um Darcy Carden, absolute joy. I love you to death. Love you so much. >> Uh my best to your crazy, handsome, cool husband. >> And my best to your crazy, handsome, cool wife. >> She is handsome. She is. She's the handsome. She's the alpha male. Yeah. >> Um, [laughter] And uh I'm going to make you come back here again and again and again.

There's nothing you can do about it. >> Once a year at least. >> Yes. >> Okay, great. >> For the doctors and nurses on the pit, the work never stops. The Emmy award winner for outstanding drama series is back for a new real-time shift. 15 highstakes hours told across 15 must-see episodes. New cases, new challenges Await Dr. Robbie and his team of caregivers. You watch The Pit? >> I sure do. I love it. >> It's a fantastic show starring Emmy winner Noah Wy. Season 2 of the Max original series, The Pit returns this Thursday at

9:00 p.m. on HBO Max. Check out the official companion podcast on HBO Max and all major podcast platforms. This episode is supported by Apple Watch 2026 coming fast. >> And we all make these, you know, Promises to ourselves. I have been running and I'd like to up my game there. >> Yeah. Yeah, you know, I just want to cover more miles, maybe pick up the speed a little bit. With each new year, big goals get set, big promises get made. So, you got to break the pattern, and you can do it with Apple Watch. Designed

to make 2026 all about quitting quitting. It brings motivation into the moments when it matters most with tools Like the workout app, pace alerts, and activity rings. Whether your goal is moving more, staying active throughout the day, or building better habits, Apple Watch emphasizes progress with features that nudge, remind, and support consistency. Anyway, uh, as the new year begins, staying committed becomes less about perfection and more about not giving up. Find out more at apple.com/applewatch series 11, iPhone 11, or later required. [music] We're sitting here with our lawyer. What is your official title here at

uh at the show? >> Director of business and legal affairs. >> Okay, that lights up a party. Um, >> it's very exciting. I know. So, um, >> David Melmed, good to have you here. And, and again, the eye goes to you. Very handsome fellow. Um, and I think we all agree. Um, inappropriate. >> So, please, my my company. I can do as I Please. Um, that's what I've learned the last couple of years. Oh, wait. That's not right. >> Also, you were cutting left and right last time. [laughter] >> I know, but I'm Guys, please.

This the garden hose is getting all tangled, and I'm a good gardener, and I want to straighten it now. [laughter] Uh what? >> Here's what's happening. Okay. It was brought to my attention very recently on a previous episode that there Netflix is Bringing back uh Star Search and they have an ad that pays tribute to all the very famous superstars that got their start on Star Search and they show this montage of uh these performers like Beyonce, Britney Spears, uh Kevin James performing on Star Search and then they cut to this um this this uh

look at this this animated card that shows all the people that got their start on Star Search. And if you'll see where Christina Aguilera's name is and you Drift down to the right, >> you see the name there. >> I see Conan O'Brien. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Here's the thing. >> Dollar signs in his eyes. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Look at me. >> This was Netflix. >> Look at me. This is Yes. >> They've been in the news lately. >> Yes. Yes. This is Netflix. This is Netflix, which is a German word for deep

pockets. >> Yes, it is [laughter] >> Netflix. >> Yes, it is. >> Um, so >> Mr. Melmed, if I may call you Mr. Melmed, I think I can, I'm your employer, and I can do as I please. Um, [laughter] uh, I have no no involvement with Star Search. I didn't get my start on Star Search. As uh, Sona rightly pointed out, I have no talent that I could have brought to Star [laughter] Search. Um, really, I mean, honestly, no connection. This is like saying, "We're going to salute the 1927 Murderers Row Yankees, uh, and and

Babe Ruth and Lou Garri and Conan O'Brien." I would say, "Oh my god, what's happened?" That's how ridiculous this is. >> And yet there's my name. This isn't a Joke. We didn't make this up. >> What do you think is happening here? Do we know who? Okay. On on this list here, is this a random list or is anyone on this uh sorry, >> we've we Googled this to the best of our knowledge. Everybody else has been verified according to Google as getting their star their their start on Star Search >> and I am not

mentioned on that list because I have no connection to Star Search. Never went on Star Search. Um never went to a taping. Never passed the building. Have no connection to it. I'm not offended. I'm just curious what's going on and what is my legal position? What can we do here and how can this benefit me? Go. >> Well, if you ask me that, which you just did. >> We [laughter] were Can I just say something? >> My head is >> Can I just say something? >> Yes. >> That was the most useless exchange I've ever

had [laughter] in my life. >> I know. Unbelievable. And I'm paying you. You said if you asked me that and you just did. >> Yes. [laughter] >> Uh, incredible. >> My head is going. My my brain is trying to think of an answer. Give me a second. >> Well, you know what? You know what I Would say, Conan? >> Well, I'm hearing you and that's something that I'm hearing. And [laughter] now I hear that. >> Now I'm I I don't have a computer in front of me, so I can't Google anything at this point. No,

I would say, look, if you're the only person on this board without that connection, >> Yes. >> I would say to you, do is there any uh you're feeling about it? You don't feel Damaged. You don't feel defamed. I do. Oh, you do? >> Yeah. Uh, well, just in this moment, I'm seeing which way you're going with that. [laughter] >> I feel very damaged and very defamed. I'm not sure I can recover. [laughter] >> Well, you probably couldn't recover damages, but we could certainly >> No, you're misunderstanding. [laughter] >> I didn't say recover damages. I'm

not sure I can emotionally recover. Wait, so When your kid wanders in the room and said, "Uh, I fell down and I got hurt." You take it immediately to me. I do. >> You lost some financial gain. >> I I do. >> Okay. [laughter] So I honestly your your I would say >> child services. >> Yes. I would say practically your legal recourse would be to have your name removed from if this is >> see I don't want that. I love having my Name up there. That's beautiful. But at the same time I feel damaged.

>> I feel that this is a drag on my income. >> I feel [laughter] that I feel a loss. I'm not sure I will be able to podcast in the near future. >> And if he can't, Sona and I can't. >> Yeah. >> Oh, so okay. So I think what you're talking about is sort of speculative damages, right? I think you may have a difficult time in that cuz it's a bit of A contra, you know, you have on the one hand I I have no connection to this, but on the other hand, I want

to keep that up there. So you are benefiting a bit from the publicity because of the names up there. >> You work for me and you're arguing against me. I would say, Con, if we were having this conversation outside of this podcast, I would probably be giving you these arguments against what you're trying to tell me that you want to do. >> Okay, let me tell you something. If I could speak to you, you >> and I can you [laughter] >> because I have a microphone and you're in the room with me and we're speaking.

If you could hear me, which you [laughter] can, >> yes, >> and you would hear my thoughts, >> I would say this. Um, I that I think it's going to be damaging for people to my name to be taken away. I can prove in Court that my name brings people real joy. And to put it up and then take it away is going to be a wound >> for any of the American people who are watching Netflix and many people are as they should be because they may soon be my overlord. >> Yes, [laughter] they

could. >> Um and so I would say the name just has to stay. Uh that would why why do that? You're just you're just hurting people unnecessarily. The name can stay but I've been terribly wounded and damaged. I see a real financial loss for me. Not so much for Sona and Gory. They're fine and they shouldn't participate. But I feel, hey, when they put your names up there, feel free to suckle at that. >> Can we sue them to put our names on there? >> Yes. Let's sue them to put their names on there and

then sue them to take them off. >> And I once worked as an usher. So, could [laughter] that be me? >> You work as an usher? >> Okay. >> Yeah, that's [laughter] great. Um, yeah, that's fine. That's fine. That works for me. >> Uh, okay. This is what we're going to do. >> Sure. >> You are going to contact Netflix. You're going to inquire >> uh as to why my name has been put up There. You're going to insist that the name stay. In fact, I would like it. My name is on a half fade

right now. >> Yeah, it it is, >> you know, but [laughter] not as faded as Drew Car's, Rosie O'Donnell's, or Leanne Rimes. There's one that's so Oh, Brad Gar Brad Garrett should sue cuz his name is so faded on them. Why even put it up? >> That's a star in the sky that it looks like he he >> and Leon, you know, you have Leon rhymes. It's a bit fad. >> Did you notice the shooting star is emanating from your name? >> Yes. Yes. Look at that. The shooting star because I create stars. >> Oh,

well, this is the thing >> they've clearly This is a good point. My name's up there. There's a shooting star coming out of my name, which means uh I'm I have so much talent that more stars are flying off of me. >> You're the big bang of talent. >> Have you ever even met Beyonce? >> What are you talking about? Why are you trying to chip away at me? Beyonce and I are tight, so let's not even go down that road. >> Um [laughter] uh but I'm one of her honeybees. Trust me. >> Um [laughter]

the honey. >> Are you saying you're in the beehive? I'm saying I'm [laughter] one of her honeybees. And see, this is where you're wrong. If you knew Beyonce the way I did, you know that when you're on the real inside, you don't say beehive. You say I'm one of the honey bees. >> So anyway, that's not the point. The point is [laughter] we keep the name up there. My friendship with Beyonce continues [laughter] and I feel damaged. >> You can't you they are selling a product With my name and I love it. You're I I

pay you. I I know I don't pay you well, but you are paid >> to [laughter] represent me and here you are telling me there's no case here. They're using my name to sell. I didn't say >> also the damage has been done. This is already out there and you're saying, well, they could take it down. I didn't really see a case here. >> No, I didn't say you didn't have a case. I said we have to decide where you feel damaged and what how what we can prove of what your damages are. For example,

if you said, "I can't do this show anymore." Then are you going to stop doing this podcast for the next, you know, x amount of months? If you're saying that, you know, I was so just disheartened. I went to therapy for, you know, 6 months. I couldn't get this out of my head. If, uh, you know, your name and likeness, you know, you're I've Heard someone's hosting, you know, again, the Oscars this year, right? You're like, I can't do it. This is this is embarrassing. I can't do it. You have to prove your damages. You

You could say to me, "I'm damaged by this." But how? >> Right. I can't feel my legs. [laughter] >> Oh boy. >> I have no feeling in my legs. You don't get it. >> From the pelvis down. You know, I would say this is I can't use my legs. >> I would say after this, we're going to get in a We're going to go to the doctor and we're going to get that checked out. >> I know the doctor, too. His name is Dr. Aoyo. Perfect. [laughter] >> Oh, man. >> I will show up. You

know what I want to do? I want to show up at Netflix with Dr. Royo in a wheelchair. say you put my name up as one of the people that got started on Star Search and I can't feel my legs and then Dr. Royal will prove That by driving a steak through one of my legs and I will remain motionless. >> Is Dr. Aoyo in the wheelchair? >> No. >> But you know what? Maybe just for good measure we'll both be in wheelchairs [laughter] and I'll say this is my doctor who's so upset about what

happened to me. He can't feel his legs either. [laughter] >> Is there any danger that Netflix could counter Sue saying that was a mistake And his name is hurting our brand? So, so you're saying that Netflix would come back and say we we made the mistake here and it's hurting our brand. >> They what he's saying and I I I should be insulted about what you just said, but I [laughter] actually I think I think I actually think but I actually think and I'm a fair person, >> you might be on to something, which is

by putting >> Netflix could say we're counters suing Because this was a mistake. the computer accidentally took his name from the Mark Twain Award, you know, Mark Twain prize that was on Netflix earlier this year and somehow it got up there and um and it is damaged our show because people love Beyonce, they love Britney Spears, they love Dave Chappelle and then they saw Conan O'Brien and it's destroying us. >> It's destroying Beyonce and Christine Aguilera because they're closest to your Name so they can also sue. I'm a I'm a black hole sucking the other

stars and their light into sucking stars. >> Who Who would they be? The question is who would they be soon, right? Let's let's say they they hired a production company, right? To run this. >> So they they couldn't go after Conan, right? If he really had no knowledge that this was happening, right? a production company, which we've hired before. Tim Coco's hired production Companies to put on these kinds of shows that potentially, although, >> you know, a unilateral mistake like that, um, that they may not have had knowledge that Conan O'Brien was on there, but

if you pointed out and said, "Look, this is it's possible." >> It's possible. I um I mean I was a little disappointed because I was hoping you'd come in here and say, "Oh my god, they're selling a big show on Netflix, which is the streamer, and they're using Your name. That's false advertising. Um we're going to get them." And instead, there's been a lot of sort of mealy mouth maybe, I don't know, hard to prove. Maybe they'll all just quiet. I'll make a phone call and this will go away, but no one will get any

money. Um, and so I'm guessing I'm saying if I could fire you. >> Yes. >> And I can because I'm your boss. >> We went over this last time, right? >> If I could fire >> Okay, good. >> And I can Okay. >> And you could hear me, which you can >> cuz I'm talking. >> There you go. >> And you have headphones on and you're listening. >> Yes, I do. >> Then you'd be fired and you would no longer work for me, >> which is what's happening now. >> And if we would go back

>> cuz I just fired you. >> And if we went back in time, I would say, "You have a case, Conan. Let's let's do [laughter] it. You are absolutely correct. Physical, [laughter] >> emotional. >> There's going to be maybe one more installment where we found out find out how this happened. Someone from Netflix has to tell us what happened. >> I'd love to find that out. >> I don't know who spotted this. >> Ruthie shared it with me. I'm not sure. >> This is fantastic. This is great. And I I know there are probably people

listening thinking Conan has enough. He doesn't need to make money off this. Clearly just a mistake made by Netflix. No, there's never enough. I want to make a killing off this. >> Okay. >> Sure. I >> I want to buy a Greek island. Look at the money I get from this. >> I would think we would have to, again, it's just you and I talking, right? No one No one else is listening. I would say, look, we we have to try to at least show that we want to take this down, even though you want

it up. [laughter] The first thing someone would ask you is, well, it's been up there for 6 months and you knew about it. >> That's a difficult thing to overcome, Right? >> I could see it coming down, but then I want it back up after the suit's over. How's that? And I can't feel my legs and neither can my doctor. >> I like the legs part. >> All [laughter] right. Uh that we'll get to the bottom of this. So yeah, more on this uh Netflix mystery. >> Yes. When we come back. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for having me.