- Daryl, I looked my woman in the eye sockets. - Mm-hmm. - I told her straight out.
I just said it, man. I said it, I said, I said, I said- I said, "Bi-" - Hey guys! - Hey girl, how you doing!
- Oh, hey! - You having a good time? - You having- ♪ Oh, I want you ♪ ♪ But I don't need you ♪ - Neil.
Neil! - Yes, honey? - Neil DeGrasse Tyson, I asked you to take the dog out for a walk when I left the house four hours ago.
Now, I come back and this little mother (beep) Sputnik has done pissed on my drapes! Now, I've gotta get rid of those things and get new ones. Neil, it doesn't make any sense.
You're an astrophysicist. How can you not keep track of little details like this? - Well, actually, it's the little details that cannot be kept track of by definition.
In 1927, a German university lecturer named Warner Heisenberg, came to a seemingly paradoxical conclusion, that the more we know about the position of a particle in physical space, the less we know about its momentum and vice versa. - Okay, but what does that have to- - Taken in conjunction with what we know about the expansion of the universe, this brings us to a fascinating possibility. That maybe what we experience as one point in time space could actually be a legion of points, which would mean that your curtains and little Sputnik's pee pee could be as distant from one another as we are from the furthest galaxy.
- Okay. Well, just, next time. - Of course, dear.
- Neil! There you are. What are you doing?
We have to go to my Aunt Nellie's funeral. How are you not ready? I've been talking to you about this all week.
How am I gonna find you in your boxers looking at a science magazine? (sighs) I swear, Neil, sometimes I think you don't have any idea of what's important. - Well, actually, an idea of what's important is as close as we can ever come to any definition of importance.
Our galaxy is one of over 100 billion in the observable universe. And, it's 100,000 light years across, which means it would take light 100,000 years to traverse. - Okay, but- - But that's just space.
If we were to chart the history of the universe on one calendar year, the history of mankind as we know it would just take place in the final second of that year. So, whether I'm ready now or in 500 years, well, cosmically speaking, the distinction is meaningless. - Well, okay.
I'm going now. - Goodbye, honey. - Neil!
Who is she? Who is the white bitch that left this goddamn lipstick stain on your collar? Hm?
Oh, I got you! You're caught. Because this is apricot colored, and you know who wears that?
White bitches! And you can't talk your way out of this one, 'cause I'm not getting confused today, 'cause I got my (beep) in order and I've done my research. Okay, Neil?
You see, we are here at this point in space time on a human scale, but at this point you a trifling ass mother (beep), so expect the papers from my lawyer, 'cause we're parting ways. - Well, actually. - No, no.
- We are always parting ways and not parting ways and every conceivable combination. Many physicists, including Stephen Hawking, now believe that there is an infinite number of universes. It's called multiverse theory, and it suggests that there are an infinite number of universes in which I didn't have sex with that white woman.
- I (beep) Bill Nye the Science Guy. - You bitch. (doorbell rings) - Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey! - All right. - Hi sweetie.
That's for you. - Hey Trace, how you doin'? - Check out the house!
- Oh my! - Girl, I got a sunk in tube, you gotta see it! - Oh, I've got to see this.
- All right. - You two have a good time now. - Have fun, have fun!
Dude, I am sorry we're late! - Man, it happens man. - Man, she talked about how we were supposed to be in the car at 6:45, I'm like, "All right.
" - Uh oh! - Tell me my dumbass ain't sitting in the car waiting until 7:15. - Nuh-uh!
- Okay, when I tracked my wife down 20 minutes later, she's stepping out the damn shower, talkin' 'bout, "Can I help you? " - See, that's crazy right there. - Craig, I looked this woman in the eye, I said, "Bitch, you told me 6:45!
" - You said that? - (scoffs) Yeah, I said, "Bitch! " Then I laid it out.
- Yeah, but you said bitch though? - Hmm? - You said bitch?
- Yeah. - [Woman] You gotta see the fire place downstairs in the living room. - Okay.
Don't play games man, just tell me what you gonna tell me! - Exactly, it's like, say what you mean, mean what you say! - Is that so hard?
- It's like last week man, we going out to dinner, right? I'm like, "Where do you wanna go? " She's like, "You decide.
" - Uh-oh! - I'm like, "All right, Outback Steakhouse. " She like, "Nah.
" - Mm-hmm. - I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's. " She's like, "Ehh.
" - No. - No. Darryl, I named seven more restaurants!
- No Craig, no! - I finally said Taylor's. - The place I know she wants to go in the first place.
- Right, right! - She looked at me, she said, "If that's where you wanna go. " - No she didn't Craig!
- If that's where I wanna go. Darryl, I looked my woman in the eye sockets. - Mm-hmm.
- I told her straight out. I just said it man. I said it, I said, I said, I said, I said, "Bi-" - Hey guys.
- Hey girl, how you doing! - Oh, hey! - You having a good time?
- You having fun? - You seen the bedroom? - We was just looking at the water.
- You see the washing machine? A washer machine, it's huge! - Water up on the ceiling here.
- You get a whole bunch of clothes in that washing machine! - Baby, I'ma take her back up to the kitchen and show her the dish washer. - Darryl?
- Yeah, baby? - I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs. - You gone' get it too.
- I love you. - I love you! - I said, "Bitch, "if you wanted to go to Taylor's, "just tell a brother you wanna go to Taylor's!
" Okay? - You know what I'm saying! You said that?
- Oh, hell yeah man! - Yeah! - I laid it out!
Right, I says, I says, I says, I said, "Bitch, I'm the man of the house! " - You said bitch though? - Mm-hmm.
- You called your wife a bitch? - Aw yeah. - Craig?
- Darryl? Where are those guys? - [Woman] I don't know.
Girl, let me show you this. - [Darryl] So, she's like, "Why don't you rent a movie we both like? " - [Craig] No she didn't!
- [Darryl] After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster's! Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems and I says, I said, I says, "Bitch! " - You said that?
- Ain't nothin' but a thing! - But, you said bitch though? - Yep.
- (laughs) See, you got it. (phone rings) (phone rings) - Oh man! Hey honey, Craig just gave me the neighborhood tour.
- So then, she's like, "I didn't know "we'd be doing so much walking. " - Nuh-uh! - I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes.
" She said, "Don't raise your voice at me. " - What? - Darryl!
I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul! I said, I said- (door opens) (Craig knocks) I said, "Bitch! " (romantic music) - Ooh honey, I am tired!
I am going to bed, goodnight. - Uh, well. (laughs) - Is everything okay?
- Well, it's just that I was hoping that, well, that we could, and, I wanna make this clear, I wanna be straight forward. I want to have a- - Okay, Luther, are you available to translate? - Yes ma'am.
- I really was hoping we could spend some time together. - When is the last time we had sex woman? When, election night?
What does a brother not named Bill Clinton have to do to get some (beep) in this house? - Well, you have been very busy lately. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know what, if I could just, can we get your translator?
- Oh yes, certainly. Katendra? - Yeah, honey?
- Could you please translate, "Well, you've been very busy lately. "? - Sure.
- My (beep) ain't one of your limousines that you can jump in and out of whenever you feel like! I don't see you all day, then you want a booty call? I need an emotional connection (beep)!
- Thought this was romantic. - I'm (beep) trying bitch! Can't you see?
I'm playing the romantic music! I got the pino in the glasses! What more do you want from me, an engraved invitation from my nuts?
- Maybe, we should make a date. - What am I supposed to do, jump outta my clothes every time little Berry stands at attention? You ain't my commander in chief mother (beep)!
And my vagina ain't some cave in the middle East you can fly your heat seeking missile into whenever you feel like it. - Well, I did mean to call you, but I had meetings all day long. - I'm dealing with these mother (beep) republicans, hearing, "No, no, no!
" all day long! Then I come home and you not gonna let me get my jam on up in here? - Well, I have had a busy day too.
- You act like I ain't got nothin' else to do (beep)! I got these obese mother (beep) on my ass 24/7! What's more important?
You gettin' your wig dipped, or some wight year old fatass collapsing his bunk bed? - Okay. - You seem to be forgetting job number one!
You are my secretary of (beep) bitch! Get to work! - You.
(laughs) - Luther, Katendra. - Yep, yep, yes sir? - We'll take it from here.
- Absolutely, yes sir! - Yes ma'am. - Goodnight.
- Thank you. - Goodnight ma'am. Come on.
- (laughs) Oh, this feels good! - Mom, Dad, I know you already said that I can't go, but can I please go to the party tonight? - Malia, use your translator.
- If you don't let me go to this party, I will get a tattoo on my face! - Have fun. (briefcase slams) - Where is he?
- Stanley! - Huh? - What's going on?
- Oh, come on! I know you've been cheating on me! - You're being ridiculous Stanley!
- Andrea, enough is enough! I know you have been (beep) a dog behind my back! - What?
A dog? A dog, that is insane! - Then why did I find this in the laundry room, huh?
(dog barks) - Oh my god! (laughs) He's here right now, isn't he? He's in my house right now!
- Wait, Stanley no wait! (dog growls) You! (dog growls) (Stanley screams) (dog growls) I'm killing him!
(grunts and shouts) (Stanley screams) (dog whimpers) (Stanley shouts) (dog barks) (Stanley screams) Come here! (dog barks) Oh. I see.
You need to know, your dog ruined a 10 year marriage. And you, can go to hell! He's cute, he's cute, I can see why you like him.
(machines beeping) (woman mumbles) - Yes, I'm here. Promise you'll never forget about me. - Yes.
Of course. - Promise me you'll take care of our little girl. Love her.
- Yes, with all my heart. - Promise me you'll stay strong for her. - Yes, yes, I promise.
- And promise me you'll never sleep with another woman. (tongue clicks) - I hear you. - Promise me you'll take care of Mr Big Fluffy Tail?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. That cat will be the most loved cat in the world. And that you won't look at porn.
Huh? (man mumbles) Is that a yes? - Chicky, chicky, chicky, chicky, chickidy, chickidy, chickidy check.
- No pornography. - Buster Brown says what. - Is that a yes?
- You better believe I heard what you said girl! - You love me right? - Yes, I love you, yes!
And we're soulmates, right? - Yes. - So you will never ever, ever think of someone else while masturbating, right?
- Message received. - I don't understand, is that a yes? - Yo comprende.
- Is that a promise? - Your request has been filed. - Say you promise!
- Forget about- Huh, huh? - I need to hear you say it. - It.
- No, say I promise. - You promise. - You.
You promise. Say it. - Okay, I promise.
- No air quotes! - Promises are things that lovers have. - Say it.
Say it! - I promise, I promise. - What are you promising?
- I promise what you said. - (sighs) Fine, forget it! - Yes, I mean, okay.
- Will you at least promise to go see my mom everyday? - So, zero pornography, done. I like that.
Nurse! Fix my wife! (cries) I can't!
Don't touch me right now, It's just not all about you.
