they say some moments haunt you forever they stick like Shadows silent but always there it's been two years since that day two years since everything changed it was supposed to be simple a beach trip with my son Leonard my husband Phoenix couldn't make it he never did work always came first and I was used to that used to being alone but that day the day didn't feel normal not then and not now we spread out the towels the sun was warm maybe too warm I laid down finally feeling free of the world's noise and I
asked Leonard to help to rub some oil on my back I didn't think twice about it he's my son my boy why would I at first it was nothing just his hands just helping me out but then then I felt it I felt him linger lower and lower and I didn't stop him why didn't I stop him you think you know yourself you think you know your family but there's always a moment one moment that can unravel everything for me it happened that day on this beach and I've never been the same Phoenix and I
had been married for over 15 years if you asked any one who knew us they'd say we were the perfect couple a nice house good kids and a steady life but you don't see the cracks until you're inside the walls you don't feel the emptiness unless you're the one living it for years Phoenix job was his world he was always working late nights weekends holidays I used to tell myself that he did it for us that the overtime the dedication was for the life he was building for our family but after so long that story
starts to fall apart what good is a home if no one's ever in it I became invisible to him when he came home he barely looked at me he stopped asking how I felt what I wanted what I needed we spoke in short sentences mostly about bills groceries and the kids he loved Leonard and his little sister Isa but even with them his presence was like a shadow he was there but not really I used to sit at the table across from him wondering if he still saw me at all that morning I remember standing
in the kitchen as Phoenix hurried out the door he grabbed his briefcase kissed the top of isa's head and glanced at me just once sorry Freya I can't make it today something came up at work I didn't even argue I just nodded like I always did my throat tight I told myself it was fine Leonard and I could go on our own Leonard was 16 back then tall lanky with the same brown eyes his father had but a softer face he didn't say much not even when I told him it would just be the two
of us I think he'd gotten used to his dad bailing too he just Shrugged grabbed the bags and followed me to the car I watched him in the passenger seat on the way there earbuds in staring out the window like teenagers always do I couldn't help but smile he was growing up so fast and sometimes I wondered if I'd blink and lose him too the drive to the beach felt endless my mind wandered as it always did to Phoenix I thought about all the things we used to do together movie Nights long walks trips to
nowhere just for the fun of it I thought about the way he used to touch me the way his eyes would light up when he saw me I hadn't felt that in years I hadn't felt anything I was so tired of being unseen we finally arrived and Leonard helped me carry the bags to a quiet spot near the water I laid out the towels while he set up the umbrella I don't know why I suddenly felt the need to talk to him maybe it was because he was the only one there maybe I just needed
someone to hear me it's nice to get out don't you think I said trying to sound cheerful he just nodded pushing his hair back with his hand yeah Mom it's nice I laid down on the towel feeling the heat of the sun soak into my skin I didn't move for a while I just let myself go still like I was trying to let the weight of the last few years lift off me even for just an hour but then I remembered the oil I sat up and turned to Leonard can you help me rub this
on my back I asked I can't reach it myself he looked at me for a second almost hesitant before taking the bottle from my hand I laid back down faced to the towel and waited the first touch was gentle careful his hands were unsure like he didn't want to hurt me I smiled to myself because it reminded me of when he was little when he used to hold my hand to cross the street his hands had been so small back then you can press a little harder I told him my voice muffled it's okay he
listened and His Hands grew more firm as he rubbed the oil across my shoulders and down my back I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the warmth the rhythm of his touch for a moment I let myself enjoy it it had been so long since anyone had touched me at all and that thought hit me harder than I wanted to admit but then I felt his hands move lower slowly carefully down the curve of my back my breath caught in my throat and I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out
my mind raised but I stayed silent I told myself it was fine that he was just helping that I was imagining things but I wasn't his hands hovered there for a moment near the edge of where my towel ended I could feel his hesitation I could feel my own and instead of stopping him I said it it's okay you can rub there too the words hung in the air like something poisonous and the moment they left my mouth I knew I couldn't take them back Leonard didn't say anything he didn't stop either I squeezed my
eyes shut and felt his hands on me lower than they should have been my heart was pounding so hard I thought he might hear it I wanted to move to sit up to tell him to stop but I didn't I couldn't I let it happen even now I don't know why maybe it was the loneliness maybe I was too desperate to feel wanted even if it was wrong or maybe maybe I just didn't care anymore that day on the beach everything inside me broke and nothing would ever be the same again by the way if
you've made it this far into the story thank you for sticking with me I know it's not an easy thing to hear and I appreciate you listening if you're finding this video interesting or if you think there's someone who could relate to what I'm sharing please take a moment to hit that like button and subscribe it really helps me keep sh sharing stories like this and lets me know I'm not alone out here all right let's get back to it after that day at the beach something shifted I couldn't ignore it what I felt what
I saw and how Leonard looked at me afterward it wasn't just a lingering gaze or a passing moment it was constant every time I caught his eye there was something different in him something I didn't want to name but couldn't unsee I tried to bury it when we got back home that evening I did everything I could to act normal I made dinner I asked Leonard about school I folded laundry late into the night my hands shaking the whole time I kept replaying everything that happened his hands the way he lingered the tension I felt
in my own body I hated myself for it and I hat him for making me feel this way about my own son Phoenix didn't notice a thing he came home late as usual his tie loose his face tired he kissed my cheek out of habit just a ghost of what it used to be long day I asked hoping for some kind of conversation he grunted and nodded already halfway to the living room it was always like this his presence felt like and afterthought and I I felt invisible again that night I lay in bed staring
at the ceiling while Phoenix gored softly beside me the house was quiet but my mind wasn't I kept thinking about Leonard about his hands and his gaze I knew it wasn't right I knew I should stop it whatever it was before it went any further but but there was another part of me something dark something lonely that wanted to hold on to it that craved the attention the touch the feeling of being seen the days passed and Leonard didn't say anything but his silence was louder than words he didn't avoid me not exactly instead it
was like he stayed closer I'd catch him watching me when I cooked when I cleaned when I sat alone on the couch at night and I let it happen I didn't stop him I didn't stop myself then came the next weekend it was hot again and the house felt stifling Phoenix was gone working some last minute ship leaving me and Leonard alone just like before I asked him if he wanted to go back to the beach just the two of us I don't know why I did it maybe I thought being outside would help clear
my mind maybe I wanted to test myself to see if I could push it all away the drive was quiet this time Leonard didn't wear his earbuds though he just sat there looking out the window his knee bouncing restlessly I wanted to say something anything to break the silence but every time I opened my mouth the words stuck in my throat when we got to the beach it was almost empty I remember how blue the water looked how the wind felt on my face I spread out the towels again just like before and Leonard helped
me set everything up I didn't ask him to rub oil on my back this time I couldn't instead I laid there with my eyes closed pretending everything was fine but even with my eyes shut I could feel his gaze I could feel feel him watching me the real Breaking Point came later that afternoon we decided to rinse off at the beach showers before heading home it was supposed to be quick just to get the sand off our skin but something happened then that I still can't explain when we reached the showers Leonard stepped under first
letting the water run down his back I stood off to the side watching him for a moment before I stepped in two I don't know what came over me but I peeled off my outer clothing and Stood Beside him the water cool against my skin Leonard looked at me startled I don't know if it was surprise confusion or something else entirely but he didn't say a word I glanced at him then really looked at him and said you should take off your shorts too you need to rinse properly I don't know why I said it
maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in control that I could make this stop or maybe I was testing him testing myself he hesitated for a second then did as I said sliding his shes off and there we were together alone the water pouring down on us washing everything away except what we were both feeling I turned my back to him and asked softly help me with my back and he did his hands were careful again just like before but there was no mistaking the tension I felt it in him I
felt it in me when he touched my waist I froze the air seemed to thicken around us the sound of the water drowning out everything else I could have walked away I could have stopped it but instead I leaned back back closer to him I reached for his hands and guided them to my chest and when I did he didn't pull away what happened next I can't explain I won't explain it was a moment a blur of need loneliness and something else I don't want to name it wasn't soft and it wasn't slow it was
desperate passionate wrong in every way but I couldn't stop it I didn't want to and when it was over we just stood there the water still pouring down on us washing away the evidence but not the truth he held me then held me like no one else had in years and I led him afterwards we didn't speak we dried off packed up and walked back to the car in silence I watched Leonard from the corner of my eye his face flushed his movements stiff I knew I'd ruined everything I knew we'd cross a line that
could never be uncrossed and yet for the first time in years I felt alive the ride home was silent at first the car felt too small too heavy like the air itself was pressing down on us I gripped the steering wheel tightly trying to focus on the road but my mind was spinning I could still feel him Leonard his hands his body the weight of everything we'd just done I kept stealing glances at him in the passenger seat he sat stiffly staring out the window his face flushed his jaw tied and then out of nowhere
he spoke mom he said his voice low almost unsure I didn't look at him I couldn't but I heard him what what just happened back there my heart skipped beat for a moment I thought about pretending I didn't hear him about brushing it off change in the subject but there was no point in pretending anymore not after what we done I took a shaky breath and answered I don't know it was the truth or at least the closest thing to it I didn't know what had happened or why all I knew was that everything had
changed we didn't talk again till we pulled into the driveway I turned off the car but neither of us moved Leonard finally looked at me really looked at me and for the first time I saw something in his eyes that scared me it wasn't confusion or guilt or even shame it was longing how long have you felt like this he asked his words sent chills through me because I'd been asking myself the same question I looked at him then and it was like a damn broke inside me I don't know I whispered maybe maybe longer
than I want to admit we were both quiet after that just sitting there in the dark I thought that would be it that we'd go inside try to forget it all and pretend nothing had happened but Leonard had other ideas before I could open the door he leaned over and kissed me it was soft at first heson like he was afraid I'd pull away but I didn't I let him kiss me and I kissed him back and then I lost control I don't know if it was the loneliness the years of neglect or the way
Leonard looked at me like no one had in so long but but I let it happen right there outside our house Leonard pulled me into him his hands sliding over me like they belonged there I felt alive I felt wanted I felt seen for the first time in years I didn't care about anything else I don't know how long we stayed like that Tangled Up in each other but eventually we moved inside I don't remember much about the walk to the door just the feeling of his hand on mine the quiet between us buzzing like
electricity we didn't speak we didn't need to once we were inside everything escalated like we'd been holding back for too long and the dam had finally burst the next few days were a blur Leonard stayed close to me always finding reasons to brush against me or look at me when no one else was watching I'd tell myself to stop to pull away to end whatever this was but every time I looked at him I saw the same loneliness I felt it was like we were mirrors of each other reflecting back the same neat the same
emptiness and I couldn't say no I didn't want to at night I'd lie in bed next to Phoenix staring at the so link listening to the sound of his breathing I'd think about Leonard in the Next Room about the way his hands felt the way he made me feel alive again and then I'd close my eyes gild curling up in my chest like a snake I knew it couldn't last I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop the tension between us grew stronger every day until it finally exploded it was late one evening Phoenix
was at work again Isa was asleep and Leonard and I were in the kitchen I was washing dishes trying to keep my mind off everything when I felt him behind me I turned around and there he was looking at me the same way he had on the beach Leonard I said softly trying to warn him but he didn't stop he stepped closer so close I could feel his breath on my neck mom he whispered I can't stop thinking about you I froze my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might burst I wanted to
tell him to stop to go back to his room to leave me alone but I didn't instead I looked up at him and I said the one thing I shouldn't have I can't stop either and that was up that was the moment everything fell apart Leonard kissed me again harder this time desperate it and I kissed him back I didn't care that it was wrong I didn't care about Phoenix or Aya or the life we'd built all I cared about was him Leonard my son the only person who made me feel like I mattered since
that day on the beach things haven't gone back to normal in fact I'm not sure they ever will Leonard and I we crossed line one that can't be erased no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise what started as a moment has turned into something I can't control the guilt is there heavy constant but it doesn't stop me and that's the part that scares me the most I look at my husband Phoenix and my daughter AA every day and I wonder how they don't see it how they don't notice the cracks that are
spreading through our family maybe they're too caught up in their own lives to see me slipping or maybe I've just gotten better at hiding it but deep down I know this can't last forever Secrets have a way of coming out and when they do the Fallout will destroy everything I've tried to stop I've told myself over and over again that this is wrong that Leonard deserves better that I deserve ve better but every time he touches me every time he looks at me like I'm the only person in the world I Lose Myself he makes
me feel alive in a way I haven't felt in years maybe ever and that's the truth I have to live with I don't know how to fix this I don't know if I can fix it and that's why I'm sharing my story with you maybe someone out there has an answer something I have haven't thought of maybe you can help me see a way out of this mess I've made before it's too late so please if you have advice if you've been in a situation like this or know someone who has I want to hear
from you and if nothing else let this be a warning loneliness can push you to places you never thought you'd go don't let yourself get lost like I did don't let your world fall apart before you realize what's happening because once you cross that line there's no going back thank you for listening please share your thoughts like this video if you found it helpful and subscribe for more I need to know I'm not alone sometimes the biggest betrayals aren't the ones we commit against others but the ones we commit against ourselves whom
