[Full Story] Fell for My Ex-Wife's Sister After My Ex-Wife Abandoned Our Kids for Dr*gs, While...

I fell for my ex-wife's sister after my ex-wife abandoned our kids for Dr G's. While we secretly longed for each other for years, my son admitted he wished she was his mother. I'm finally at a point where I can't stand this anymore.

I, a 32-year-old man, am in love with my former sister-in-law, a 27-year-old woman, for a very long time—maybe a couple of years at this point—and I'm not sure if I should just keep it to myself or attempt to make something with her. I met my ex-wife's sister when I was 23 years old, and the relationship developed very quickly. By 26, I had my son and daughters and had gotten married.

However, within months of being married, my ex-wife had an affair. But worse than that, the man she cheated with had gotten her into heroin. After confronting her about this, she said she was going to get help, but instead, she left in the night.

I haven't heard from her in 4 years, and last I heard, she's still with that guy and is homeless in Las Vegas. I'm not sure how true that is, but being focused on holding it together for the kids, I really don't have the time to chase her down, nor do I want to after what she pulled. I ended up getting a divorce in absentia; I did, however, maintain a very positive relationship with my in-laws after the fact.

Every other weekend, my kids stay over with their grandparents on that side, and they pretty much treat me like a son still. I still go to parties at Christmas, and I'm reasonably liked by the family. Nobody talks about my ex anymore, mainly to not worry my kids.

My oldest, my son, is very hurt by his mother leaving. He's nine now, and I've had to get therapy for him after he told me he hoped his mother was dead. She had been getting verbally abusive toward the end, which was when he was around 5 or 6.

Anyhow, in the year following my ex leaving, her sister and her boyfriend had started coming around a lot to see the kids. They knew I worked a lot and would babysit, calling it practice as they wanted to have children of their own. My kids loved them and were spoiled by them, which I didn't mind because we all needed a little positivity.

They got married and were very much in love; however, her husband was killed in a workplace accident shortly after the birth of their daughter. It has been extremely rough and painful for everyone involved, as one can imagine. I followed my sister-in-law's example and began to take her and her daughter to give her time to herself if things got too hard to deal with or she needed alone time.

She's been in grief counseling for a few years, but she still wears her ring and has told me she can't ever imagine dating again. I talk to her about him frequently, and she's gotten to a better place, but she's still very much in love with him. Over the last two years, we've been more constant figures in each other's lives.

My kids love their aunt, and I have her over for dinner a couple of times a week. My daughter and her daughter have become close and love being around each other, so they have sleepovers. I've moved on from my ex, but the idea of dating someone potentially dangerous, as their mother has kept me out of the dating scene.

I don't know when it happened, but slowly I began to get soft on my sister-in-law. She's a great mom for what has happened to her. She's one of the sweetest people I know, and her sense of humor always leaves me laughing and happy.

Then I started realizing that I'm physically attracted to her. I've always felt kind of guilty about it because her late husband was a good friend, and since she's obviously still grieving, I've kept it to myself. Since COVID started, we've been together a bit more because social distancing has kept us in contact.

Nothing romantic has ever been discussed, and I try not to flirt, but last week, it was very late, and after the kids went to bed, I made us a few drinks—not enough to get drunk—but she decided she'd rather spend the night, so I took my couch. I woke up to breakfast this morning, and the four of us felt like the sort of family I've always wanted. She even kissed my forehead, which is not something she normally does.

I still didn't say anything, but after she left, I found my son quietly playing with his toys in his room. He looked upset, so I asked him if he was all right. He told me, point blank, in the way only a kid can, that he wishes his aunt was his mother.

I sat down with him and asked him why he thought that way, and he gave a whole bunch of reasons: she was nice to him, that she never yells, that he likes seeing her at his grandparents', and that she draws pictures with him, which I didn't know they did. By the end of it, my heart, which was already melting for this woman, wound up even more. When visiting and dropping them off with their grandparents, I tried to broach the subject with her folks to kind of feel around how people would see it.

I made a joke about she and I acting like a married couple sometimes, and they didn't laugh and were kind of standoffish—friendly, but either they know something or they disapprove. It's getting too hard for me to ignore or pretend it's not getting to me. I'm in love with her, and either I've got to… It’s tough not to think of her, or I have to find some sort of way to navigate through this situation and tell her everything.

If anybody out there has any insight on how to approach a widow, especially one who was married to a friend with this sort of intention, I could really use your help. **Update:** Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who gave me advice on how to proceed, and for ideas and things I could maybe say to my former sister-in-law. What I ended up doing shortly after making the first post was remembering that my children were spending Sunday night over at their grandparents' house, and typically when they do this, my niece (my sister-in-law's daughter) will join them.

I allow these bi-weekly visits because I think it's important for them to maintain a healthy relationship with their mother's parents, and my sister-in-law lets her daughter go because she enjoys playing with my daughter. Well, I realized we’d both have a free night. Normally, I just game or hit the gym for an extra night, but I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to connect with my sister-in-law without the kids being around.

So I sent her a text saying, “Hey, the kids are out this Sunday. I was thinking you might want to get dinner. ” It was a fairly upscale place that reopened two months or so ago for outdoor dining.

I had never asked her out to dinner, and we were almost never alone together, or without a child in the other room. She said she'd love to, and so my panic starts setting in because now I’ve got to actually act on my feelings. I asked her if she’d prefer meeting at my place and taking one car, or meeting at the restaurant.

She said she’d come by my place first. I was a bit more cleaned up than normal—dressed up but not overly dressed. She showed up, and my God, she was in a very nice evening dress and makeup—not something she normally wears—really looking stunning.

I must have been slack-jawed for a second; I had to be low. We made a little small talk, complimenting how we looked, but I still didn’t have my nerve yet, and she wasn’t pushing the issue. Dinner was really wonderful; they had a live jazz-type group playing.

I’m definitely coming back to this place. She told me this was the first time she’d really had an adult social outing that didn’t involve her daughter in a few years, and I mentioned that it had been about as long for me. We were laughing, joking, and having a little casual touching here and there, but I couldn’t seem to find my nerve.

I was afraid of ruining the moment, so I just submitted to having fun. As we were leaving, my mind snapped, and I just decided to go for it. When we stood to go back to the car, I gave her my arm, and we walked back to the car, arm in arm—no awkwardness, nobody mentioning that it was happening.

I opened her door for her, planning to drive her back to her car. As I opened the door, she stopped me, looking sort of nervous. She just outright told me to stop and that she wanted to kiss me.

There was no alcohol at dinner, so this was all her. I pulled her in, and we kissed. I can barely describe how wonderful it felt to finally touch her.

The kissing went on outside this restaurant, with her leaned against my car for at least half an hour. When we finally broke apart, we shared a few more dreamy looks before we got in the car and drove back to my place. She was holding my hand as I drove—I've never been happier.

I confessed to her that I’d started having feelings for her a long time ago, but what with the terrible things we went through, I didn’t want to scare her away. She told me that she’d been carrying a torch for about six months herself. At that time, I had gone on a couple of Tinder dates, and since we were just friends, I described what a mess of a time those dates were.

She told me she began feeling intensely jealous and angry that I was seeing those girls. It was about that time it clicked in her mind that she had somehow developed feelings for me. As it turns out, I didn’t approach her because of her late husband, and she wasn’t approaching me because she was afraid I'd see too much of her sister (my ex-wife) in her and start to resent her for it.

I invited her in after we got back home, and we decided to try and fight off the desire to jump straight into bed and just sat on the couch, snuggling and talking about what we would need to do to make this a working relationship. There were some really teary moments there. We, of course, talked about her late husband a little and where she feels she is in the grief process, saying she didn’t want to rush, and that I’m not going anywhere; if she needs time, I'll wait as long as she needs me to.

She said that she feels like she’s in a place where she could love again, that she’s long past feeling guilty for having feelings for me. It was something she struggled with. She then brought up her sister and the obvious questions a few people asked in the comments: What would we do if her ex ever decided to show her face around here again or tried to get back into my kids' lives?

What if she came back, reformed and apologetic? Would I take her back? I told my sister-in-law that's a hard no.

I've forgiven her for cheating on me, but I will never forgive her for what she did to my son. He was quite a sunshiny and happy boy before his mother. .

. Started cheating, using and lashing out at him. He's doing better now, but for a long while, his behavior and negativity for somebody so young troubled me.

Sil was concerned how he might react to her, as unlike our respective daughters, he is old enough to understand everything. I told her not to tell him, as it might embarrass him, but not too long ago, he told me he wished his aunt was his mom instead. We said we were going to take it slow and not go too fast with things, but the kissing started again, and since we were in private at that time, we gave up the fight to stay out of the bedroom.

I have had fantasies throughout the duration of my feelings for her, and getting to pet her face in the morning was one I finally got to live out. Moving forward, we are going to establish date nights and work on building on our already strong foundation. When we inevitably tell our folks we are a couple, we're going to do it together, but that's where I'm at.

That's it; that's my update. If this subreddit allows, maybe I'll do another to say how the parents, in-laws, and kids take the news. Two years of wishing she was mine, and now she is.

Better not f*** this up. Update: I forgot to add that I am referring to my ex-wife as Jessica and my sister-in-law, who I had been calling Sil, as Sylvia. Funny.

Well, we've told everyone, and for the most part, it's gone over fairly well. When our respective kids were with my in-laws, Sylvia and I went to see my parents. They've met her a handful of times, but they don't really know her too well, as my in-laws and my family rarely attended mutual functions.

They at least recognized who she was. My dad isn't a particularly sentimental person, so I have no idea what he thinks about it, but my mother is on board. She did ask to know about Jessica, and we told her that I haven't even spoken with her in four years and Sylvia hasn't heard from her in two, that we'd cross that bridge when we got to it.

Other than that, my folks just seemed happy for me. Yesterday, we attended a small family gathering for Labor Day at my in-laws. We knew the reception here would be a little more chilly, as they're all also related to my ex-wife.

My parents did us the favor of taking the kids to the zoo for the afternoon and ice cream, too. We arrived at the party together, and of course, everybody was wondering where the kids were. It felt like a million things were telling me not to do this, but I took her by the hand, and we both explained the kids were not here because we intended on telling everyone that we are now a couple.

This wasn't a huge crowd—maybe like eight people—but it really felt like I announced it to a stadium. I don't know how we expected it to go, but several of her aunts were very pleased with this. We got some hugs.

At first, nobody even mentioned my ex-wife; they were just happy because they had all settled on Sylvia just never dating again. It was only Mill that caused any issues. She told the party that she knew we were an item because I was always giving her puppy dog eyes and told them Sylvia talked about me nonstop.

She asked how long we had been dating in secret, and I told her only a week. She scoffed and told me that she didn't think starting a relationship off by lying would be a smart move. She then accused, albeit in a joking manner, to the guests that Sylvia and I had vanished at a pool party in June to smooch.

Her mother and father asked to talk with us after the party and asked us just how serious things were. Like my parents, they asked whether my ex-wife knew or not. When I said no, and that her opinion shouldn't matter given she abandoned her family four years ago, they said they would be more comfortable with everything if I was to tell Jessica that I am now dating her sister.

They are both intensely afraid that my ex will return sober and renewed, make an attempt to make amends, and discover that I am now in love with her younger sister in relapse. It sounded to me as if they knew something I didn't, and as it turns out, Jess has been calling and talking to them for a year now, and they just haven't told me. I was upset they kept this from me.

Sylvia was very upset too because not once after her husband’s death has Jess ever tried to call her. They showed me her Facebook profile—the one she blocked me from—and there she is, looking pretty normal, not like a burnt-out husk. I have to admit that seeing her not looking like the junkie she became when she left made me feel a little better, and Sylvia too.

Her parents kept their contact with her a secret because she is ashamed of what she's done and feels that she deserved to lose her kids and couldn’t face them after all that happened. Sylvia's parents gave me her phone number and asked that I please call her and speak with her. I told her that my feelings for Sylvia are real, and there is no chance I reconcile with Jess.

Phil seemed to nod in approval, but Mill honestly looked like she was hoping we'd fix things. After we left, I talked to Sylvia about it, and though we discussed it before, a circumstance where Jess returns prompted us to revisit the conversation in light of these new revelations. I told Sil.

. . That I am in love with her; my whole heart is hers, and my feelings of love for her are something deeper and stronger than anything I ever felt for my ex-wife.

She ends up crying from the stress of the situation: anger with her parents for keeping secrets, and anger with her sister for not calling her or offering condolences at all after her husband's death. She then admits that she is afraid I might leave her if her sister returns, and I assure her this will never happen. It took some long hugs and a lot of kisses to smooth over the situation, but by the time we went to pick up the kids, we were holding hands together again and feeling more connected than ever.

She's been spending the night at my place pretty frequently since we've been together, so the kids don't see anything. I've been setting my alarm for 5:00 in the morning, getting up, and moving to the couch the morning after we decided to tell the little ones what is going on. Our daughters seemed very happy, but they are too young to really grasp what's actually taking place.

All they know is they can play together more. I did take my son aside, just me and him, and asked him if he was okay with this and what he thought about it. He asked if we'd all be living together.

I told him maybe someday. He asked if this made his aunt his stepmom now, and I said he's free to call her what he's comfortable with, and I will respect it, and she would too because we both love him. He then asked me a lot of questions about his own mother, things he had never asked me before, and I answered pretty much everything he wanted to know.

I toned some of my answers down a bit; he's learned a little about the dangers of drugs from school programs, and I was finally honest to that degree when I told him his mom had a problem and she made some bad choices. He asked me why his mother didn't love him, and that broke my heart. I assured him the best I could that his mother did love him; she had just made a lot of terrible mistakes and that sometimes adults just don't do the right thing when they should.

He asked me if I still loved her. I told him that I hoped she would get better and that I didn't want her to be sick anymore, but that she hurt me and him so badly that I couldn't love her like I did before. Not sure he got all of that, but I tried explaining it to him the best I could.

All that aside, he has been so much happier and less withdrawn since Sylvia has been with us, and he's always going out of his way to do all the typical kid stuff to impress her that I did with my own mom. At the end of the day, I still have that phone call with the ex to dread, but having Sylvia with me, being able to kiss her and hold her at night, it really puts some joy back into me that's been gone for a very long time. I don't think I even knew how unhappy I'd been all these years until I realized how happy she made me feel.

We've been doing all the happy young lover stuff; she's been leaving me love letters in my work lunch box, even little poems, and I had flowers sent to her place of work. She mentioned she had told me that a few of the ladies at work had been trying to get her to ask me out for several months, so I figured the flowers would both make her happy and be a firm "thank you" wink to the office girls. LOL.

Thank you to everyone who commented or sent me messages on the first and second posts; they really made my day and helped me keep my cool to confess to her. Feel free to ask me anything, but I think this just about does it for my updates. Update three: People have been asking me for an update for a couple of months now, so I figured I'd finally sit down and do one.

What you're about to read is a comment I wrote like last week, and I've just copied and pasted it as it's pretty much good enough to be a post. It details how the phone call with my ex-wife went and a little more info. I did talk to her back in September.

I keep going to write an update for this, but life got pretty hectic. I did write like a 10-paragraph update a month ago, but my laptop crashed, I lost it, and got discouraged. The ex-wife is in a much better place and is in recovery: 8 months clean by this point.

She finally told me the details of the affair and how things happened, how she got into drugs—not stuff I really wanted to hear, but she's trying to get her life together, and as much as I dislike the things she's done to me and the kids, I want her to get healthy. I shouldn't, but I worry about her still sometimes. Anyhow, I got around to telling her about Sylvia and me, and she was dumbfounded by it.

When I first met my ex, she was 19 and Sylvia was 14, and in her mind, she always viewed her as a kid in regards to me, which to be fair I did used to refer to Sylvia as her kid sister. But when she remembered that her sister is a fully grown adult who was married and had a child, that hinting I was a creep stopped. She did ask if I had.

. . Feelings for her while I was married, and I denied that.

We talked about the kids, and she was really regretful and crying throughout the conversation. She has no idea how she'd be able to face them again. I wanted to say something reassuring, but I didn't want to give her the impression that I want her in their lives; cordial, even friendly, but I'm not going to be stupid.

She and Sylvia talked for a while, too. I didn't eavesdrop intentionally, but from the bits I heard and what I was told, they talked about Sylvia's husband. As it turns out, my ex had gotten arrested for another week and spent it in jail.

She didn't even know he passed until a couple of weeks after the funeral, and by that point, she felt saying anything would make things worse. Things went as well as could be expected. Sylvia, the three kids, and I have been spending almost every day together, and I haven't been happier in years.

My son and daughter love all the motherly attention they've been getting, and I'm really loving getting to learn more about my little niece. Life's good—busy, but it's good. Thanks for asking!

I might just copy and paste this as my update. LOL. All right, that was my comment update, and nothing has really changed in the week since I wrote it.

If anybody has any questions or comments, I'd be happy to answer what I can when I can, but during this season, my workload increases dramatically, and I don't have as much time to be on here as I did when I first posted. I'm so glad I got up the nerve to try with her. I love her so much; I've been so long without a romantic partner that I forgot what being in love or feeling loved felt like.

Now that I remember, it's shocking to me. I didn't realize how alone and miserable I really was. I mean, for Christ's sake, we played Scrabble last night, and for some reason, it made me ridiculously happy.

LOL. Update four: It has nearly been a year since my former sister-in-law Sylvia decided to begin dating. A year later, we are living together, and I couldn't be happier.

We're currently living together and are in the market for a new home. Our children are really benefiting from having two parents around to care for them. Our daughters have begun to call each other sisters, and my son has accepted it in the same way.

They're basically just normal siblings. It is interesting with my son: when he is talking to his friends or teacher, he refers to Sylvia as his mom, but when calling her or talking to her, he still calls her auntie. Our daughters are the same, as I am Uncle.

It confuses some people we meet, but it's always an interesting story to tell. We haven't had much contact with my ex-wife since my last post, though from what we hear, she's doing much better—has a halfway decent job, a boyfriend, and is keeping clean. I don't like to think about her being reintroduced into my children's lives, but if she continues to be a clean and well-rounded person, it will make it much harder for me to deny her visitation should she seek it, not just from a legal standpoint but from a moral one as well.

Neither Sylvia nor I look forward to that day, but the worries seem way off. Her parents have stopped their prodding into our business and haven't tried to force the ex back into our lives as we feared. Our kids spend the weekend with them now, as my two were already doing it beforehand, so Sylvia and I get to spend Friday night and most of Saturday to go on dates and have some alone time.

Our mutual friends were all pretty surprised by this and have been very supportive as well. They try to be polite and not mention my ex-wife, but every so often it does come up. Mostly everyone is just happy that we found happiness together.

One side of the family that I failed to mention in all of this was the family of her late husband. As you might expect, her daughter still sees them regularly, and they are very happy and accepting of the relationship. His father even told me point-blank that he was glad it was me because he thought he would hate his daughter-in-law bringing some strange man into his granddaughter's life.

We haven't had many gatherings, of course, because of COVID, but the few get-togethers we have had have included them and will always include them. Speaking of her late husband, Sylvia and I have talked quite a bit about our feelings, and she's even had me come along to one of her therapy sessions because despite everything going so well and the immense and wonderful love we have for each other, his memory and presence will always be a part of our lives. She decided on her own that, out of respect for me, she had to take her wedding band off, something that caused a lot of sadness, as you can imagine.

I told her that she didn't need to do this, and were we to get married, she's got two hands. After I said this, she began to wear it on a necklace instead. She wears an engagement ring now.

I don't have any crazy story on how the engagement went down; I didn't spring it on her in some crazy public spectacle, but there were tears, hugs, and kisses. If you've got any questions, I'd be happy to answer them. Thank you all so much for all the positive words of encouragement!