People Who KNOW They're Inflicting Emotional Damage Need to Hear THIS

it seems like everybody calls other people narcissists which in my opinion is the sign a person needs to really look at why they are hanging around with people they feel are pathologically incapable of being anything but selfish but when someone asks me if they are a narcissist that catches my attention and it's a good question even though I don't think asking the question always means that you couldn't possibly be one which is you know there's a sort of urban legend that that's the case so this is a letter I received from a man I'll call

Daniel and he writes hi Anna I am an intentional liant object and I'm scared that I may be a narcissist I believe I'm leading people on subconsciously and that I was in denial about it for a long time all right I've got my fairy pencil and I'm going to circle things I want to come back to on a second reading but let's go through and see what Daniel is describing that makes him think he's a narcissist all right he says I had this Revelation when I was watching your videos on being a liant object so

a liant object for anybody who doesn't know limerance is like an addictive Obsession romantically with another person and it uh where you you think about them all the time but you can't have them you're not with them it's not possible to be together because when people can be together usually limerance will fade and it turns into like an actual relationship with somebody who is flawed and you know that but with the adct addictive Obsession you idealize them and you pour tons of energy into the thought of them or kind of masquerade as their buddy you

know without disclosing how you actually feel about them but hoping hoping it will turn into a romance okay a liant object is the person who is getting this attention so Daniel's saying I was watching your videos on being a liant object I think it may be because I grew up experiencing covert emotional incest and despite taking steps to overcome this I think I may have internalized a belief that I must receive some form of romantic adoration for me to be worthy H all right we'll come back to that I grew up feeling very undesired and

feeling like a failure only recently in my mid 20s I have become an outwardly successful and conventionally attractive man I believe that I'm acting as a limerent object on purpose to compensate and continually prove to myself that I'm worthy of Attraction and love I feel ashamed because every time someone develops a crush on me I will act surprised and upset that they would infringe on the sanctity of our friendship but at the same time I would knowingly put myself in situations where they would develop feelings while maintaining plausible deniability furthermore I do this so I

can Leverage The Crush someone has on me as a way to rapidly and artificially deep in a friendship and to be able to use their friendship as a constant supply of emotion support advice and Company how do I overcome this I feel remorseful of the trail of damage I have left behind and I'm even more worried that I may be a narcissist unfortunately too I believe I may be worried about my reputation more about more about my reputation than anything all right from Daniel all right this letter I had to think about it a lot

uh every once in a while I think I'm being punked and I think and I've decided to take this letter anyway and if any body thinks I'm being punked you could say so in the comments but what an interesting letter right so what I think is odd about this letter is it sounds like a textbook description of somebody and um it doesn't sound like a personal account there's so much like psychological analysis in it so that's why I felt a little bit like it was somebody writing about somebody else or somebody copying chat GPT or

something but um but I I couldn't stop thinking about it and sometimes when I feel that way about a letter I'll go ahead and and read it and so but let's I'm going to assume now that Daniel you're a real person this is a real problem that you're having and you are wondering how to overcome it so um I just want to like point out to you some strange things in your letter here you said I believe I'm leading people on subconsciously well it's not subconscious now because you just you know you're telling me and

tens of thousands of people here on YouTube so I would argue that you're very conscious that you're doing it you are leading people on and you in denial about about it for a long time okay so maybe you were maybe you didn't realize you were doing it but now you know you are so you there's there's no there is no plausible Deni deniability there you know that you're doing it and you had this Revelation watching the videos on being a limerent object so you say people had crushes on you and a crush is not necessarily

limerance limerance is like a addictive Obsession that drains your life force um so I don't know if you I don't know if these people are limerent on you exactly but if they have a crush on you and you're feeding off their energy yeah that is what I call an emotional vampire where you want people feeling that way about you and you string them along just enough to keep that energy coming without ever giving them back what they seek which is actual love so and you think it may be because all right now so because I

I swear I'm going to make a video about this one day because is one of the most dangerous words in trauma healing where we rationalize oh I'm this way because you say it's because I grew up with experiencing a covert emotional incest uh emotional incest is when a parent um confides in you too much or treats you like their little their little partner um it's not physical incest or sexual abuse and despite taking steps to overcome this I think I may have internalized a belief that I must receive some form of romantic adoration for me

to be worthy okay so I'm just calling you out and saying this sounds very analytical of yourself when if you want to get out of this stop trying to rationalize it or make it into a textbook just acknowledge I'm hurting people I'm using them for I just you know I want to feel better about myself put it in the simplest language possible a little bit like I can't diagnose anybody with narcissism and even if I were qualified to I couldn't do it on from a letter on YouTube so I'm not going to do that but

I would just say something to look at is that you're using this fancy language and and sort of you know putting it in a very analytical frame and immediately sort of denying that you're doing anything because this happened to you and so I don't deny that these these um trauma wounds and you know inappropriate relationships that parents kind of throw at us as kids of course they affect us but now that we're adults we can't just say oh I treat people really badly because you know because this happened back in the 70s or the 80s

or whenever you were a kid and um I think you you said you're in your you're in your mid 20s so yeah it was the early 2000s and and but it doesn't matter when we grew up what matters is is that we're sensitive to how we treat other people and that we see them as full-on human beings and mature into people who are um invested in trying to create conditions where other people can be happy and Thrive instead of trying to take something from them which is like I call it romantic shoplifting going in and

you know just taking what we want not paying for it by showing up for other people and caring about about them then you said you grew up feeling undesired and feeling like a failure and a lot of us did and then recently in your mid 20s I've become an outwardly successful and conventionally attractive man so now you get a chance for people to be interested in you fun fun and um and you believe that you're acting as a liant object on purpose so I I I did make a video where I talked about serial liant

objects and um I've known such people and it is a it's a it's a sex or love addiction or both that's what it is and it's a it's an Insidious thing that really does damage on other people other people make us into Li liant objects that word refers to something who where this intense love is being projected so in that to describe yourself as a Luman object is a bit of a Dodge there instead of like I'm an addict I use people you know to feel better about myself and I have to keep doing it

like nothing really hits the spot like that's kind of what you're describing and so um you believe that you're acting that way as a and to compensate and continually prove to myself that I'm worthy of Attraction and love so I used to go to therapy and I used to hear all kinds of theories like this and I didn't find them very helpful you know I you know I kept chosing choosing un you know terrible people to be in a relationship with or unavailable people to be in a relationship with I teach a lot of stuff

about this in my courses so you know on the one hand yes I I I I was shaped like that because of being abandoned as a kid and my mom didn't really take care of me she would just take off for a month at a time and nobody knew if she was ever coming back and and then I got separated from my dad and hardly ever got to see him and so I can see what caused the injury there but I would just say that now that you're an adult call it you had an injury

the in injury kind of shaped you a certain way but what how you're behaving right now is not because of anybody but you and as I say that I know that some people will howl out there and go but I can't help it I know I know it's hard to change but we must change we must not be people who hurt others that's not cool that's not right it's not moral it's not karmic it's not Christian it's not anything good to take advantage of other people and damage them in the pursuit of feeling better and

that's why complex PTSD which is the kind that comes from chronic ongoing abuse and neglect as kids that's why it's such a terrible thing it doesn't just hurt us because if it doesn't get healed we go on to hurt other people with it it's very generational and it also I don't think people talk about this enough but people who have unhealed cptsd transfer it into the Romantic relationships that is how it gets in the next generation is children who result from these connections and then there's not like a stable family to take care of the

kids and the cycle continues so with us we we stop the cycle we stop the cycle and deal with this so you feel ashamed because every time someone develops a crush you act surprised and upset that they would INF Fringe on the sanctity of our friendship and yet you know you're you're feeding and encouraging it and and you say I knowingly put myself in situations where they would develop feelings while maintaining plausible deniability and I don't know what those situations are but I I believe you so furthermore I do this so I can Leverage The

Crush someone has on me as a way to rapidly and artificially deepen a friendship which of course is not a friendship it's deceit a friendship is where you genuinely care about the well-being of another person that's what a friend is so you're not being a friend you're being a a vampire so you know it you know it it doesn't feel good and you want to change and if you want to change it's going to be a serious commitment so yeah you want to have a constant supply of emotional support advice and Company so it's going

to run out on you and it's one thing you know a lot of us could get away with certain things in relationships when we were 25 but when you're 45 it gets harder when you're 65 it gets still harder if you can be 26 next year and start to have a real heart for caring about another person everything in your life can become much more beautiful and change so when you say how can I overcome this I I'm remorseful about the trail of damage I've left behind there are times when I you know I just

say a really good place for this is sex and love addict Anonymous it's a 12-step program and in the 12 steps you have the opportunity to read literature hear from other people care about their struggles share yours honestly and learn how how to First acknowledge what's going on and then to start developing a a different way of operating a different on a different basis than you've done it before which is all self-seeking all trying to get stuff for yourself a feeling you know a a companion and start to operate on on a new level in

the service of something greater than yourself and I can't say enough if you've never done anything in the service of something greater it sounds like why would that be any good but trust me on this one trust me on this one we've all done something in the service of something greater when you um I don't know help somebody out give a give a couple bucks to somebody on the street who needs money when you um volunteer for something or when you pick up litter that wasn't even yours and in my courses you know a lot

of them involve like intentional plans to go ahead and do something that's in the service of others every day a little bit at least so that you can start to sort of open that channel where you live because you're a pillar you're not a consumer you're a you're a pillar you're a giver you bring good things you're a rain maker of good things to the world and that is where happiness lies so we have to start practicing and it's a you know it's a journey and luckily if we're well if we're lucky we have a

long time to keep working on it and that I don't mean to suggest that you should delay it I mean to suggest that if you keep at it you know you'll keep evolving and I'm amazed it's been 30 years years now since I started working on my own healing and transforming I had very selfish behavior as well before that and I didn't know it was selfish until I did and I started working on changing it and 30 years into it like I'm still unfolding as a person it was so long ago that I got to

the things that I had hoped I would have when I started this this process of healing uh I had those things and I lost those things and I got more things and lost those and more things and life keeps unfolding and evolving and so when they say in 12st Step that you'll have the life a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams they're not joking you haven't even seen it yet what is possible when you're stuck in this this um you know Quest this this pursuit of an of a fix it's a fix you're seeking right so

when you go a lovely thing if you go ahead and I would suggest you go with only people who you're not attracted to I don't know if you're straight but if you are you don't go to meetings with women it's a are mixed gender meetings and believe me you will immediately know the people who are using it as a place to pick up on others and you'll see why that's not a good idea but other people are going to stay really focused on their recovery stick with them find yourself a sponsor somebody who uh really

seems to have recovery keep in mind nobody's there because they're perfect nobody's there because they're Angelic fixed people they're there because they are continuously working on how to how to be better how to do better and to recover and they will show you how to work the 12 steps and part of the 12 steps is to take stock of people that you've harmed and then with the help of that sponsor decide if you if and how you will make amends to them and apologize to them you need to do nothing right now you don't you're

not in the head space where you even understand what you've done and isn't that like doesn't that keep it simple it's just to start going and to start getting honest with the group and then maybe follow the suggestion that the group has about what to do so that's my suggestion to you anybody can come in and do my daily practice or join my courses and if you're not ready to deal with actual human beings or if you just want to take a deep dive into what I teach about about relationships you can take my dating

course or get or if you're a woman we only have this program for women the real love coaching programs little quick thing if you just want to download uh to hear about more about romantic manipul I have a free down a free pdf that you can download called romantic manipulation 12 signs of it or how many I can't remember how many signs but it's the signs that someone is romantically manipulating you and you know Daniel you might want to look at that and just go am I doing this to other people but anybody who wants

to you can get that download right here and I will see you very soon [Music]