hi guys welcome or welcome back I'm Anna Udin I'm a doctor of Clinical Psychology and an author and today I have kind of a strange topic for the occasion of Valentine's Day I thought I would talk a little bit about dating apps so I have made a video on dating apps in the past I probably unlisted it since I get self-conscious about videos that are a couple years back but I was thinking I should do a revamp of the research on dating apps and I was looking through a critical analysis of all the research which if you don't know those typically summarize and assess dozens of different research articles on a specific topic and I was jotting down my notes I was thinking okay how can I talk about this on YouTube and then it occurred to me this critical analysis would actually be really helpful specifically to get people to understand how they can use dating apps in a way that maximizes their chances of finding love so it's today I'm going to be telling you how I would use dating apps in the year 2024 if I were looking for love on dating apps and if you know me you know I am very very happily married so that is not the case but I thought if this is helpful for any of you before we get into that I just just want to tell you I have a big Valentine's Day sale on all of my products so you can get the paper packs of my journaling workbooks for 40% off is previously $4. 99 now it's $8. 99 as for my novel the lowest that Amazon will let me price it is $1.
59 so that is definitely the lowest that it is ever going to be I also have a promo code for my course where you can find four plus hours lessons exercises journaling prompts and so forth on how to improve your relational life so the code for that is vday sale all of these links will be in the description all right so the structure of this video is going to be as follows first I'm going to talk a little bit about understanding people's motives on dating apps and how to use that to figure out who has the same motive as you of basically finding love finding a relationship then I'm going to talk about how I would try to put my best foot forward in terms of concrete things I would include on the dating app like photos and bio and things of that sort and then I would talk about how I would try to turn a match into our relationship so let's get into it [Music] so motives you have to first and foremost understand people's motives on dating apps the research has shown that there are a few different types of motives that people have on dating apps it actually isn't that everyone wants something casual like we tend to assume about dating apps some of course do want casual relationships some do also want love many just want a little excitement and someone to communicate easily with in their day-to-day life the sort of offset feelings of boredom and loneliness I think we are all noticing that we live in a very lonely Society where it's very difficult to feel connected with other people and dating apps are a really simple way to get some of that connection kick you know it's so simple you just download an app put some photos on there and then you are in contact with dozens and dozens of people some people also want self- validation so there are some people who go on these apps just to get a bunch of matches and a bunch of responses maybe even to chat with people in a way that validates their self-esteem they're not necessarily looking for connection they're not looking for something serious they're not looking for something casual they just want a little kick of their ego so this article that I talked about this critical analysis said that up to 70% say they are not on these dating apps just for sex women tend to use dating apps more for friendship and for self- validation while men tend to use it more for sex and relationships men also tend to use them more for casual relationships sexual minorities also tend to be more in search for something casual people who have dark Triad personalities melanism psychopathy narcissism particularly the first two studies show that they use these apps more for something casual and to acquire social or flirting skills so given these different motivations on dating apps How would would I know if somebody is likely looking for love versus any of the other things that I mentioned the first thing is that I would pay attention to how responsive they are if somebody is not responsive at all or doesn't really seem to be putting much effort into the communication then they're probably there for validation right they swiped on you they clearly thought you're attractive they're on a dating app but they're not pursuing it further there's a good chance that they just want that kick of ooh I'm wanted somebody who's interested in a relationship is also probably going to ask you about yourself about your history about your current life because they are trying to build an intimate connection with someone they might want to increase intimacy by taking things off the app and texting on the phone calling on the phone FaceTiming going on a date you know they're not going to just stay on the app forever and just keep it that way they're going to want to actually see you in person I would also pay attention to what they have on their profile things that indicate a person might not be looking for love is if their profile is all very appearance related very sexual where it's clear that they're flaunting their body or they're not really showing much of their personality there's a good chance they're not there for love they might be there for something more casual or again for just that excitement and validation similarly if they don't have a lot of personalized information in their bio it might show like Oh I thought that my photos could just speak for themselves I'm just looking for something physical I'm not actually on here trying to get to know other people and trying to have other people get to know me sometimes people will also flat out say in their bio not looking for anything serious or uh in a relationship or things like that so obviously that is a big giveaway that uh this person is probably not here for love you know I often talk about how everything that we do on social media is a mirror for what we do in real life in real life if someone were ignoring you when you talk to them were completely just focused on their looks and weren't telling you about who they are as a person asking you about you as a person if they weren't actually trying to arrange a date then you would probably get the message very quickly that okay this person is not genuinely interested in dating me it's the same on social media it's the same on dating apps if you're ever struggling to make sense of signs technologically like you're kind of struggling to understand what someone means on social media just ask yourself what would be the equivalent of this in real life and if it were in real life what would I do would I continue to engage with this person or would I say huh this person doesn't seem to be into me now how I would put my best foot forward to maximize my chances of Love on these apps well it's been a long time since I've ever been on dating apps but last time I checked there was like an age range and a geographical range so something that I would definitely not do is stretch that out too far to the point where I wouldn't actually date the people in those ranges you know if you're 23 for instance and you put your age range to be you know 18 to 40 if you wouldn't actually date an 18-year-old or a 40-year-old and don't make that your age range don't come at it from a place of scarcity or greed of like wanting as many matches as possible think about okay who would I actually see myself ending up with and then decide based on that similarly geographical location is super important one of the biggest predictors of Love is proximity because who we are in closer proximity with like physically geographically we're more likely to see more often and the more we see someone the more of a positive impression we have of them I talk about this in the connection course that this is why people tend to be really good friends with their roommates their neighbors they tend to date people who live in a certain neighborhood as them or at least a certain city because the more opportunities you have to interact with person the easier it is to interact with these people the more you're going to have a connection with them probably of course there are exceptions I'm sure there are people who are going to rush to the comments to tell me about their longdistance relationship I get it I've been in one too I'm talking about General Trends so that's one thing I wouldn't go too far out in terms of AG range and I wouldn't go too far out in terms of geographical location might not even include suburbs for instance because I know I'm probably not going to want to drive 30 minutes back and forth for a date second thing about how I would put my best foot forward is I would be smart about understanding respectability politics some people are going to get mad at me for this but I do think there's something to be said about keeping in mind the sorts of biases and prejudices that people are going to have about you based on the way that you present yourself women in particular if you're dating men you need to be very aware that a lot of men will categorize women's respectability based on very mundane things like what they wear how they look the types of photos that they post and I used to be the type of person to think well that you know if somebody's going to judge me for the way that I look then I don't want that person in my life anyway but the more I've grown up the more I've realized that even the best of us can't really outrun the biases that are drilled into us we might still respect someone treat them respectfully but on some level if there are certain signals that we have internalized are not respectable we might put them them in a different tier than other signals so regardless of gender I think if you're portraying yourself in a very sexual way on these dating apps that's going to attract mainly casual sort of energy it's probably going to signal to people I'm not really sure for something very serious I'm looking just to have fun or to experience pleasure the other day I was on a ski Gondola and there was this group of guys who were all wearing suits down the slopes and me and my family were looking at them and we're like wow like that's so cool you know they're matching it looks funny when they're all skiing or snowboarding down in their suits when I tell you the second they started talking in the gondola I was so annoyed there was one of them that was saying something along the lines of uh oh I went to this wedding and there were a lot of really respectable women um and I'm not really looking for a respectable woman if you know what I mean and then he went into actually talking about how when he's on dating apps he will specifically look for women who are not respectable because he's presumably looking for something casual and this actually connects to what I found in this article which is that women tend to look for men who are more educated on these apps and men tend to look for women who are less educated and I wonder if that's related I wonder if on some level men feel like the less educated a woman is the less respectable she is so you got to be realistic about the way that people are going to perceive you and if you want to play this strategically and maximize your chances of finding the right person for you then you might want to portray yourself in ways that are societally respectable what does this mean concretely I would select flattering photos where you look cute or handsome or pretty or beautiful but not overtly sexual you know I wouldn't go for an energy that's like a sexy photo I might show a photo of me wearing maybe a cocktail dress maybe form-fitting jeans maybe a flowy skirt some makeup but not too much for men I might go with a nice shirt or a button- down tailored pants and regardless of gender I would absolutely recommend smiling looking friendly looking happy I do think I would include photos of my social life but I used to see this all the time please don't just include photos of you with other people especially if they're significantly more attractive than you because it is very obvious to people when you are posing with an attractive friend as a way to sort of trick people into thinking that you are that attractive friend it seems insecure and honestly it's like borderline catf fishy so own what you got and don't worry about the rest and if you're going to show your social life I would recommend showing settings where you're you know with other people like at a party at a popup traveling Etc um maybe like one or two photos of you with some friends or with a friend but definitely not all of them and definitely don't try to trick people into thinking that you're more attractive based on the people that you're with some things that I would try to avoid no fish men please I don't understand what's with the fish photos I don't understand so many men do this and a lot of women are baffled by it no Rave outfits no mirror selfies no gym selfies no topless or bikini pictures like I don't make up the rules I'm not saying the rules should be like this but I'm saying if you want to play the respectability politics game these are probably some things you might want to consider something else that's really important I would really make sure to evoke your personality and your hobbies in the photos so like if you like hiking if you like traveling or swimming show photos of you in those settings doing those things it's kind of a conversation starter um if you're a student you know showing you on a campus quad if you love pets show a photo of you with your pets if you like exploring and having good food and drinks maybe a photo of you at Christmas popup the setting should provide context not just you you know if it's just a beautiful headshot of you then it's like okay this person is beautiful but who are they I don't really know much about them now as for the bio I would try to strike a good balance not too long not too short don't put too much effort into it but don't put too little effort into it not too too quirky where you're trying to be funny and light but also not too aggressive where you're like laying down the law I've seen some crazy Tinder bios in um there's the series that Cody Co and his wife do reacting to some of these Tinder profiles so good so good I highly recommend there are some madeup examples of bad bios not looking for anything casual if you are swipe left I don't do coffee dates sober vegan okay why I don't love this one it's very blunt and kind of aggressive it it tells people what you are and aren't looking for but some people might be so off-put by your tone that they're actually going to troll you there's a gentler way to say this like one of my friends I think she put in her bio one time I'm looking for my wife which is like it's silly it's blunt it's much less aggressive than saying if you want something casual then swipe left I also think it's kind of tricky to strike a balance between speaking about the things that are important to you and not just listing off identities that don't mean much on their own for instance just listing so vegan plant-based a therapist Etc you know like all these things they yeah they paint a picture about who you are but you're more than your identities you're more than just these labels another example of a bio I wouldn't recommend 21 years old Fort Lauderdale it's so simple and has so little effort put into it that it makes me feel like this person isn't truly looking for love here they're not truly looking for connection because I don't know anything about them based on this and here's a third example of one I would not recommend looking for Borat voice my wife I was born in California but I've lived in Washington for the past seven years when I enrolled in the military don't worry I'm not like those other guys I'm a cool calm collected guy message me if you want to learn more the reason I don't like this one is it seems like it's trying too hard to be quirky and funny to the point where it's like a little off-putting so maybe like tone down the energy a little bit and trim it down so what do you want to put in your bio here are some questions that might help you figure it out what are your values and where do you practice those values for instance if you are a health nut you probably shop at Whole Foods go to the gym go to the sauna cold plunge Etc so those are things you might want to mention you know you might want to talk about on Saturdays I do the Sonic cult plunge and have what do healthy people eats bone broth soup where it's very clear to the other person what your values are another question what do you like to do you know we're not talking about big values here just talking about the little things little details can also be very evocative about who you are as a person like if you like certain food certain music certain places to travel certain books TV lifestyle Etc contrasts make up who you are I like this one because people sometimes aren't very contrasted so when they do meet someone who's a person of contrast like say for instance uh a Christian who's also very open-minded people are going to feel intrigued by that they're going to want to know more they're going to want to ask you questions people love to be around those who are contrasted who kind of keep you on your toes you can't quite guess um where they stand on certain things and so if there is something about you that contrasts I would try to find a way to evoke that another question what do you want people to ask you about for instance if you really love writing but there's nothing about you loving writing or books and or any of that on your profile people are probably not going to know to ask you about it but if you have something on there like I read 200 books this year someone might say oh my God how did you do that and then you start a conversation about how you're a writer and I think the key with bios is actually you do kind of have to be a good writer because you have to show not tell you can't just list off who you are or go into this big paragraph of Pros about who you are you have to leave little Snippets here little Snippets here little details about you that draw people to want to ask more about you they leave room for questions but not so much room that they don't know what to ask you about that they don't know anything about you does that make sense so here's an example of what a good bio might look like Romanian American therapist and writer I love hiking traveling reading and waking up in unfortunate hours so kind of poked a little bit of fun in myself basically outed myself as one of those people that wakes up at 6:00 a. m.
