The Day Aliens Learned There Was a Reason Humans Were The Only Species Still Using Outated Weapons

and now esteemed members of the galactic defense Council droned Council speaker Vex their tentacles drooping with the distinctive boredom of someone who'd rather be anywhere else we move to item 47b on our agenda the annual review of member species military capabilities Captain brick Johnson slouched deeper into his chair in the human delegations Booth wondering for the thousandth time why Earth had sent him a field officer with all the Diplomatic Grace of a caffeinated rhinoceros to represent Humanity at this glorified science fair the massive Amphitheater of New Geneva Station housed representatives from over 200 species most

of whom were about to spend the next few hours bragging about their latest ways to turn matter into energy and energy into bigger explosions first presentation the velian Confederation Vex announced managing to sound simultaneously important and half asleep ambassador petring practically bounced to the central platform his iridescent scales gleaming under the spotlights the velian adjusted his designer space suit which probably cost more than Brick's yearly salary and flashed what he probably thought was a winning smile it looked more like a shark trying to sell you cryptocurrency my fellow sentients petring began his voice dripping with

the same tone used by every Tech startup CEO brick had ever wanted to punch what if I told you we disrupted the very concept of defensive capabilities brick mouthed along with the word disrupted having won that square on his Galactic Council buzzword bingo card behold the petring personal defense Suite Mark 7 the vxion held up what looked like a fancy watch this revolutionary Quantum entangled energy Matrix projects a defense field capable of dissipating any energy based attack while simultaneously charging our next Generation plasma weapons for the perfect Counter Strike the audience CED appreciatively brick struggled

not to roll his eyes these demonstrations always went the same way everyone showed off increasingly complex ways to shoot light at each other while looking down their various appendages at Humanity's continued use of primitive kinetic weapons but surely patrin continued looking directly at the human section with what could only be described as weaponized smugness some of our newer members might benefit from seeing this in action Captain Johnson perhaps you'd like to test our latest defense system with your he paused for dramatic effect ballistic weapons the chamber erupted in poorly concealed laugher a zenor and three

rows down actually fell out of their hover chair brick stood up straightening his uniform he'd been through this song and dance before Ambassador petring with with all due respect I don't think oh come now Captain surely you're not afraid to demonstrate your species Charming Reliance on throwing little pieces of metal very fast I assure you my personal Shield can handle it more laughter even vex's tentacles curled in Amusement fine brick side drawing his standard issue sidearm standard safety protocols in effect of course of course petring waved dismissively the demonstration area is fully contained though I

hardly think we'll need it for such Antiquated technology brick took aim at the smirking Ambassador who stood with his arm spread wide The Shield device gleaming on his wrist The Familiar weight of the pistol was comforting after hours of watching people shoot various colors of light at each other whenever you're ready Captain show us what your species considers cuttingedge defense technology brick couldn't help but smile slightly ambass I should mention that Humanity doesn't actually consider this Cutting Edge this is just what we give to officers who spend most of their time doing paperwork he pulled

the trigger the result was exactly what brick expected The Shield flared to life a beautiful display of quantum engineering doing exactly what it was designed to do dissipate energy attacks the bullet being decidedly unenergetic until it hit something passed right through and pinged harmlessly off the demonstration area's containment field behind petring the ambassador's smug expression hadn't quite caught up to events when brick holstered his weapon and that ladies gentlemen and various others is why humans still use projectile weapons meeting minutes can show that I warned him the chamber was silent for approximately 3 seconds before

erupting into chaos vex's tentacle shot up in alarm three different species started demanding technical explanations and petring well petring just stood there looking like someone had just explained cryptocurrency to him brick sat back down pulled out his data pad and marked off chaos erupts during weapons demonstration on his bingo card some days he really loved his job Vex was still trying to restore order when Professor blur burst into the chamber their gelatinous form jiggling with excitement or possibly fear it was always hard to tell with z no archaeologists especially the amorphous ones stop everything blur's

translation module squeaked pitch Rising with each syllable you're all in terrible danger the chaos actually increased which brick hadn't thought possible vex's tentacles were now tied in what appeared to be a Quantum knot Professor blor Vex managed attempting to untangle themselves this is a closed session of the defense Council how did you even get in here I solved the Engravings blur continued either not hearing or choosing to ignore the question their translucent form had turned a concerning shade of mve the Ancients weren't destroyed by a natural disaster they were invaded this actually got everyone's attention

even petring who had been quietly trying to pretend he hadn't just been embarrassed in front of the entire Council the precursor civilization someone asked the one that disappeared 50,000 years ago yes blur oozed their way to the central platform leaving a slight trail of anxiety sweat gel my team just finished decoding the warning messages in the ruins on Epsilon 6 they were trying to tell us something about their destroyers the professor's form rippled as they interfaced with the chambers's holographic system ancient symbols filled the air spinning slowly we've been translating it wrong for centuries these

aren't religious symbols they're technical spe ifications look blur's surface rippled with academic excitement this isn't a prayer to their gods it's a warning about something called kinetic penetrators brick sat up straighter something about that term tickled his tactical training the precursors had energy Shields too blur continued their translation module barely keeping up with their enthusiasm more advanced than anything we have today but these Invaders they used weapons that completely ignored them weapons that threw dense materials at significant velocities you mean like the Primitive projectile weapons that just penetrated my supposedly impenetrable shield petring asked his

scale shifting to a distinctly queasy shade of green exactly blur's form practically vibrated the precursors had grown so dependent on energy based weapons and defenses that when these Invaders appeared with their primitive kinetic weapons they were completely defenseless the chamber erupted in nervous murmuring brick noticed several Representatives giving the human section concerned looks oh come on a Zoran representative called out you expect us to believe that one of the most advanced civilizations in Galactic history was defeated by what throwing rocks really fast actually brick found himself standing again that's a pretty effective strategy energy Shields

are great against energy weapons but mass is mass if something's moving fast enough it doesn't matter how much energy you can dissipate thank you Captain Vex side but I hardly think they were interrupted by the arrival of leftenant Max Rodriguez who burst through the same doors blur had used looking like someone who just run several kilometers in full gravity Captain Rodriguez gasped we've got a situation long range sensors just picked up an unknown Fleet entering the Galaxy they're not responding to any standard hails and their ships they paused catching their breath their ships don't match

any known configuration in our database let me guess brick said looking at blops still spinning ancient symbols their ships are unusually dense for their size with minimal energy signatures yes sir how did you just a lucky guess leftenant rck turned to address the now silent chamber speaking Vex I suggest we move up item 47c on the agenda emergency response protocols and maybe we should have Professor blur stay something tells me we're going to want an archaeologist perspective on what happens next I think petring said quietly his scales now a particularly interesting shade of panic that

for once I agree with the human brick smiled grimly well folks looks like we're about to have a practical demonstration of why Humanity never gave up on projectile weapons Lieutenant Rodriguez tell the Armory to break out the rail guns all of them Rodriguez's face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning all of them sir all of them leftenant something tells me we're going to need a lot of things that go very fast in One Direction as the chamber descended into renewed chaos brick couldn't help but notice that ancient civilization destroyed by mysterious Invaders wasn't

on his bingo card he'd have to fix that for next year's Summit assuming of course there was a next year's Summit the emergency session of the defense Council had been running for 6 hours which was about 5 hours and 55 minutes longer than bricks patients usually lasted the mysterious Fleet had parked itself just outside the or cloud of a nearby star system doing absolutely nothing except being extremely concerning perhaps petring suggested for approximately the seven th time we should attempt peaceful contact again my new Quantum harmonics translator is certified for over 7 million dialects your

translator already tried that brick reminded him they responded by sending back what Professor blor assures me is the mathematical equivalent of a middle finger blor who had been obsessively comparing the unknown ship's design to their ancient records wobbled enthusiastically the similarity to precursor records is uncanny the mass readings the energy signatures even the way they're deliberately positioning themselves just outside our effective weapons range about that Rodriguez interrupted having spent the last few hours practically vibrating with unused trigger finger energy I've been running some calculations their ships might be outside the range of standard energy weapons

but our latest rail gun designs absolutely not petring scales flushed crimson we are not going to start an Interstellar incident by shooting primitive projectiles at an unknown civilization even if they're the same civilization that might have wiped out the precursors brick asked mildly we don't know that for certain Vex interjected their tentacles wrapped around what appear to be their fifth cup of stimulant juice and even if they are that was 50,000 years ago perhaps they've evolved Beyond such violence as if on Q the chamber's main display lit up with an incoming transmission the unknown ships

were moving well brick muttered looks like we're about to find out the fleets movement was wrong somehow their ships didn't so much fly as they did fall in very specific directions using gravity itself as their primary propulsion it was elegant in a terrifying sort of way they're charging weapons Rodriguez announced their Tac iCal display lighting up like a Christmas tree having an anxiety attack energy readings are wait that can't be right let me guess brick said watching the displays no energy readings at all exactly it's like they not oh Rodriguez's face went through several interesting

Expressions as realization dawned they're using kinetics aren't they really really big kinetics the first shot from the alien Fleet proved this hypoth is correct a chunk of refined metal roughly the size of a small office building screamed through space at a significant fraction of light speed passing straight through three layers of the most advanced energy shielding the Galaxy had to offer before reducing an uninhabited monitoring station to very excited atoms the council chamber exploded into Panic vex's tentacles tied themselves into What Might Have Been a new form of geometric proof petring scales had gone through

so many colors they were now displaying Shades that shouldn't technically exist just like the records showed blop was practically bouncing off the walls their gelatinous form vibrating with academic excitement that seemed inappropriate for the situation the precursor accounts talked about weapons that ignored their strongest defenses this is incredible we're all going to die but the historical significance we are not going to to die brick interrupted having reached that special kind of calm that only comes from everything going spectacularly wrong leftenant Rodriguez remember those rail gun calculations you were working on Rodriguez's grin should have been

classified as a weapon of mass destruction yes sir I took the liberty of having the crew load our experimental super heavy penetrators they're not as fast as the alien rounds but with the new magnetic acceleration coils l tenant sir less talking more shooting yes sir the next few minutes were educational for everyone involved the alien Fleet apparently expecting their targets to be as helpless as the precursors had been had arranged themselves in a textbook perfect attack formation this would have been an excellent strategy against energy weapons against the barrage of hyper accelerated tungsten rods that

Rodriguez enthusiastically introduced to their Shields it was somewhat less effective the aliens return fire was devastating but predictable they clearly hadn't fought anyone with equivalent weapons in a very very long time their shots were precise powerful and completely unable to deal with targets that simply weren't where they were aiming ha Rodriguez's Cry of Triumph echoed through the chamber as another alien vessel sprouted a Tungsten shaped hole that's what you get for showing up to a kinetic fight with last millennium's tactics who's primitive now Lieutenant brick admonished please maintain professional decorum while committing acts of extreme

violence sorry sir I meant to say Target neutralized with extreme prejudice sir the alien Fleet having apparently decided that this was not at all how this encounter was supposed to go began to retreat their ships fell away into gravity Wells with the same unsettling Grace they'd arrived with leaving behind several disabled vessels and a lot of very confused Galactic Representatives well Vex said into the stunned silence their tentacle slowly unknotting I believe this emergency session has been informative indeed petring agreed his scales finally settling on a shade best described as embarrassed acceptance perhaps we should

revisit our previous discussions about the relative merits of various weapons Technologies fantastic idea brick said watching Rodriguez lovingly Pat the Tactical display but first maybe we should talk about what we're going to do when they come back because trust me they're going to come back what makes you so sure Vex asked because brick smiled grimly if there's one thing humans know about it's the psychology of people who show up with overwhelming Force expecting an easy fight when they don't get it they tend to take it personally how long do you think we have petring asked

his scale shifting to a worried move long enough to start Mass producing rail guns Rodriguez suggested hopefully Lieutenant sorry sir long enough to begin a measured and appropriate military response to a clear and present danger sir brick sighed it was going to be a long week but at least he had finally filled out his bingo card the emergency rearmament session of the defense Council was going about as well as you'd expect for a group trying to completely redesign their military Doctrine in less than a day which is to say it was a disaster wrapped in

a catastrophe and tied with a bow of pure chaos what do you mean you can't just add guns to everything petring demanded waving a technical diagram that might have been a weapon design or possibly a very angry coffee maker isn't that what humans do brick pinched the bridge of his nose no that's not look you can't just strap a rail gun to your existing ships and expect it to work The Recoil alone would tear them apart you need to build the entire structure around recoil the zentan representatives translator nearly shorted out what do you mean

recoil weapons aren't supposed to push back for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction Rodriguez quoted cheerfully still riding the high of their earlier battle basic physics Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a lieutenant brick warned sorry sir Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a gun in space sir vex's tentacles had developed a concerning twitch are you telling us we need to completely redesign our entire fleet that's impossible the cost alone is less than the cost of Extinction blur interrupted their gelatinous form now surrounded by hovering displays of ancient battle

records the precursor records are clear once these Invaders find a vulnerable system they don't stop until there's nothing left but our energy weapons petring began are very pretty lights that their Shields completely ignore brick finished look humanity went through this same debate centuries ago yes energy weapons are clean efficient and elegant but sometimes you just need to throw a really dense object really fast at something you really don't like that's barbaric someone shouted from the back no brick corrected that's physics and physics doesn't care about elegant Solutions it cares about mass times acceleration Rodriguez who

had been unusually quiet for someone whose entire personality could be summed up as guns are neat suddenly perked up sir I have an idea the entire chamber collectively held its breath Rodriguez's ideas were typically effective but tended to end with large explosions and larger property damage reports we can't rebuild the entire fleet in time Rodriguez continued practically ing but what if we didn't have to what if we just built really big guns and put them on space stations like the old coastal defense batteries on Earth but for solar systems the chamber went quiet even vex's

tentacles stopped twitching that's brick started brilliant blor interrupted their form Rippling with excitement the precursors never tried fixed positions their entire defense Doctrine was based on mobile energy weapons fixed kinetic batteries would be completely outside their tactical experience and the Invaders are using their tactics petring realized his scale shifting to the particular shade of green that meant his brain was actually working instead of just taking up space they're expecting us to fight like the precursors did exactly Rodriguez was now practically vibrating we build a network of fixed defense platforms big ones with really really big

guns they'll be expecting mobile ships with energy weapons not stationary fortresses designed to throw chunks of metal at significant portions of light speed the engineering requirements would be immense Vex mused their tentacles slowly un knotting the power needed to accelerate projectiles of sufficient Mass already solved brick said pulling up some files on his data pad Humanity's been working on theoretical designs for system defense platforms for centuries we just never built them because well everyone kept telling as kinetic weapons were primitive and now primitive is exactly what we need petring said his scales flushing with embarrassment

I don't suppose you'd be willing to share those designs brick smiled it wasn't entirely a nice smile of course that's what allies are for though I should warn you lieutenant Rodriguez here will probably want to assist with the construction process Rodriguez's grin threatened to escape the normal boundaries of their face just think of all the possibilities we could build layered fields of fire interlocking kill zones synchronized barrage patterns it'll be beautiful leftenant sorry sir it will be a professionally executed defensive strategy incorporating multiple redundant layers of protection sir vex's tentacles had developed a new twist

that probably meant they were getting a headache I'll convene an emergency funding session Professor blur we'll need your historical data to justify the expenditure Ambassador petring can your people handle the manufacturing if we provide the designs the velian Confederation would be honored to demonstrate our manufacturing capabilities in support of this Innovative defensive strategy petring said managing to make it sound almost like a prepared statement good brick nodded because they're definitely coming back and next time they're going to be ready for mobile rail gun platforms but fixed defenses that's going to be a nasty surprise how

long do you think we have Vex asked brick looked at the Tactical displays still showing the trajectory of the alien fleet's Retreat long enough to build something interesting Lieutenant I believe you have some designs to share with our allies Rodriguez's expression suggested that several birthdays and holidays had all arrived at once oh yes sir I have so many IDE deers that petring muttered his scal shifting to a worried purple is exactly what concerns me don't worry brick assured him this is probably going to work and if it doesn't he paused considering the odds well at

least the explosions will be spectacular that's not actually reassuring wasn't meant to be now let's go build some really big guns 3 months of frantic construction later brick stood in the new Geneva stations Command Center watching the largest network of kinetic kill vehicles ever assembled spring to life the defensive grid looked like a ballet of potential violence each platform moving with precise Grace as it tracked its assigned sectors it's beautiful Rodriguez whispered wiping away what might have been a tear like a symphony of synchronized destruction Lieutenant sorry sir like a professionally coordinated network of defensive

installation sir petring whose scales had been stuck in a sort of nervous mve for the past week checked his displays for the hundredth time are we sure they're coming back perhaps they decided we weren't worth the trouble as if on Q the long range sensors lit up like a disco having an existential crisis you had to ask brick side Professor BL what are we looking at the gelatinous Xeno archaeologist rippled with academ mic excitement the formation matches the precursor records exactly they're using the same attack pattern that worked 50,000 years ago how unfortunate for them

Rodriguez grinned should I begin targeting calculations sir not yet leftenant let's see if they've learned anything from last time brick turned to Vex who had given up on unknotting their tentacles and now looked like a living Quantum probability diagram speaker should we try talking to them first protocol suggests Vex began but was interrupted by the nearest display screen suddenly showing what appeared to be a mathematical proof If mathematical proofs could swear well petring observed his scale shifting to a sort of resigned yellow I suppose that answers that question indeed brick nodded to Rodriguez Lieutenant show

them why humans have a saying about bringing knives to gunfights What followed was perhaps the most one-sided space battle in Galactic history the alien Fleet apparently operating on tactical doctrine that hadn't been updated since before most species discovered fire flew directly into the carefully planned killing field with all the grace of a drunk penguin at a formal dinner party the first Salvo from the defense platforms reduced three of their largest ships to rapidly expanding clouds of very surprised atoms the second Salvo caught them trying to adjust their form and removed the entire Center of their

Fleet by the third Salvo they seem to be having serious second thoughts about this whole Invasion thing ha Rodriguez's Cry of Triumph echoed through the command center that's what happens when you don't update your Tactical Doctrine for 50,000 years how do you like our primitive weapons now leftenant sorry sir the enemy is experiencing rapid unplanned disassembly due to contact with Superior defensive preparations sir the alien fleet's response was chaotic their remaining ships scattered in all directions apparently abandoning any pretense of coordination several of them tried to return fire but their targeting Solutions were clearly based

on fighting energy weapon platforms against the fixed defense stations which had been deliberately designed with all the subtle Grace of a brick to the face their shots might as well have been Stern suggestions their retreating again petring observed his scales now showing a complex pattern that might have been relief mixed with smugness and much faster this time of course they are blor wobbled excitedly they've just encountered something completely outside their experience in 50,000 years nobody has ever fought back like this nobody had to Brick Shrugged everyone was too busy trying to be Advanced to remember

that sometimes the old ways work just fine speaking of old ways Rodriguez interrupted still grinning like someone who just been told they could keep all the guns several of their disabled ships are intact enough to study should we organize recovery teams absolutely not vex's tentacles somehow manage to look Stern protocol for First Contact situations clearly states that we should carefully study potential threats to Galactic Civilization brick finished besides I think lieutenant Rodriguez would literally explode if we didn't let them examine the alien ships I would not Rodriguez protested then after a pause though I might

have to submit my resignation for entirely unrelated reasons see we can't have that think of the paperwork vex's tentacles did something that in some species might have been an eye roll fine but I want it on record that I objected to this flagrant violation of first Contact Pro protols noted brick agreed now let's go see what sort of interesting technology our new friends Left Behind leftenant try to contain Your Enthusiasm to professional levels Rodriguez who was practically vibrating with barely contained Glee managed a somewhat steady salute yes sir I will maintain appropriate decorum while examining

the fascinating alien weapons systems and if something explodes I promise it will be entirely for research purposes that that's not actually reassuring wasn't meant to be sir brick sighed it was going to be an interesting debriefing session but at least they'd finally proven why Humanity had never given up on the simple joy of throwing things very fast at problems that needed solving sometimes the old ways really were the best ways and if they were very lucky maybe the aliens would come back again after all they still had a lot of interesting new gun designs to

test the post Victory session of the defense Council was considerably more relaxed than previous meetings mainly because it's hard to maintain proper diplomatic decorum when you've just watched 50,000 years of tactical superiority get thoroughly dismantled by what the Galaxy had previously considered obsolete technology to summarize the preliminary findings petring announced his scales now displaying a complex pattern that somehow managed to combine smugness with embarrassment examination of the disabled alien vessels has confirmed Professor blur's translations these were indeed the same species that destroyed the precursor civilization were being the operative word Rodriguez muttered earning a sharp

look from brick the technical analysis is interesting petring continued carefully not looking at the human section their entire civilization appears to have developed along purely B istic lines without ever discovering energy weapons their shields were specifically designed to counter the precursor's energy based technology which explains why they were so ineffective against our newer defenses you mean why they got their shiny metal backsides handed to them by primitive weapons Rodriguez whispered this time brick didn't bother with the look vex's tentacles had finally unnoted enough to form recognizable shapes again the Diplomatic implications are concerning we now

have confirmation of a hostile Elder species that may return with updated tactics oh they'll definitely be back brick nodded but next time they'll be expecting kinetic weapons which is why Lieutenant Rodriguez has been working on some interesting new designs Lieutenant Rodriguez's grin should have come with a warning label well since you asked they pulled up a holographic display that looked like someone had asked a hyperactive child to design a death star I call it the mark twoo defense grid see we take the existing platforms and add rotating magnetic acceleration coils that can brick let the

technical explanation wash over him noting with Amusement how the various council members Expressions shifted from horror to Fascination and back again even petering scales couldn't seem to decide what color they should be in conclusion Rodriguez finished approximately 20 minutes later by combining traditional human kinetic weapon designs with velian manufacturing techniques and zentan Power Systems we can create a defensive Network that can throw significantly more mass at significantly higher velocities with significantly better accuracy and by significantly the lieutenant means enough to possibly violate several laws of physics brick translated though I'm still not sure about the

rotating sections the rotation adds style sir Lieutenant sorry sir the rotation provides enhanced tactical flexibility through multiple overlapping fields of fire sir blur who had been uncharacteristically quiet suddenly rippled with excitement this is fascinating we're witnessing the birth of an entirely new school of military Doctrine the integration of so-called primitive technology with Advanced engineering principles future archeologists will study this moment for centuries assuming we survive long enough to have future archaeologists Vex noted dry the cost of implementing these designs across all member systems is less than the cost of Extinction petring finished his scales finally

settling on a determined blue the velian Confederation pledges its full industrial capacity to this project other Representatives quickly followed suit probably less out of genuine enthusiasm and more out of not wanting to be the only ones without massive gun platforms when the aliens inevitably returned well then brick smiled I guess humanity is officially in the weapons Consulting business Lieutenant Rodriguez try to contain your excitement to professional levels Rodriguez who looked like they might actually achieve liftoff through sheer Joy managed a mostly steady salute yes sir I will maintain appropriate decor while revolutionizing the entire Galaxy's

approach to defensive technology though I can't promise there won't be explosions there are always explosions with you lieutenant thank you sir I do try vex's tentacles had developed a new twist that probably meant they were developing a migraine I suppose this means next year's defense Summit will be interesting oh yes brick agreed watching Rodriguez enthusiastically explain something involving tungsten rods and magnetic acceleration to a increasingly worried looking petring though we might want to update the Bingo cards something tells me ancient hostile species returns and galaxy-wide Military Doctrine Revolution are going to be common squares from

now on that's not actually reassuring wasn't meant to be now who wants to see the left tenants designs for something they're calling the super heavy antimatter assisted kinetic kill vehicle I'm told the presentation includes practical Dem demonstrations the resulting chaos was brick had to admit quite spectacular almost as spectacular as the look on pet tring's face when Rodriguez started explaining the concept of nuclear pulse propulsion some days he really loved his job and somewhere in the depths of space racing away from their humiliating defeat the aliens were probably having some very interesting discussions about the

dangers of assuming that primitive technology meant the same thing as ineffective rck almost felt sorry for them almost and after all they really should have known better there's a reason humans were the only species that never gave up on throwing rocks really really fast at their problems sometimes the old ways really are the best ways especially when those old ways involve rail guns