hey everyone welcome here i'm Micah and some of you have asked me what it means when an ex comes back although they were the one to initiate the breakup here's what may have happened with them after the breakup number one grass is greener syndrome your ex may have thought that they'd be happier with someone else so they broke it off with you dated other people and then realized that they weren't happier they started missing you and saw what they had with you maybe they had unrealistic expectations of what relationships can be like maybe they compared
your relationship to idealized depictions of relationships on social media and elsewhere or maybe they missed something with you and thought that they'd get this with another person but then realized that having that without you is also not what they want maybe they realize that they'd rather face their issues and your issues as a couple and work through them instead of running away number two seeking emotional comfort the person who breaks a relationship up also goes through emotional pain it can be just as painful for them as it is for the person who got broken up
with they might be going through all the common postbreakup emotions shattering withdrawal shame rage loneliness anxiety they might also miss the familiarity of your companionship and in midst of all of this they reach out to you they might regret it the next day in essence they're seeking emotional comfort and they remember that they could experience that with you the withdrawal they're going through from you might be so intense that they want to ease it by reconnecting whether or not they think that that is a good idea rationally or they want to stand by that long
term number three dopamine kick your ex might have been enticed by the novelty of someone else who flirted with them these kinds of situations give our system a dopamine kick your ex might have wanted to pursue that novelty and excitement not really aware that that will wear off eventually but then they'll be in a different relationship they might have come back regretting that decision feeling that it wasn't based on clear thinking but on the rush of dopamine number four commitment issues your ex might have a relationship pattern that's common for people with commitment issues this
is when someone is most attracted to people that are unavailable and when they start dating someone and their date starts committing more and more the more that person commits to them the less attracted they start feeling to that person because that commitment of the other person subconsciously activates their attachment insecurity and driven by that attachment insecurity they start seeing flaws in that person they start doubting the relationship then they might break it off but come back later when they're lonely and miss you number five avoidance some people struggle with emotional closeness vulnerability and conflict resolution
and if they're not aware that that is what is creating the obstacles they feel in their relationship they might project that onto their partner thinking it's because of this person and if I get together with someone else these obstacles will go away but that's not what happens these problems resurface again with the next person and then they might have this aha moment wait a minute it was me it was my avoidance and then they might come back to you regretting their decision realizing it was based on avoidance of things that are part of every secure
relationship number six uncertainty breakups aren't black or white and your ex probably had many things in their mind that spoke for and against the breakup and their decision may have been very hard for them they might have been super ambivalent and out of that uncertainty and ambivalence they might have come back because they're still not sure it was the right decision to make their uncertainty might have even gotten worse after the breakup because of something called nostalgia or selective memory this is when we remember the good times more than the bad times so because of
these memory biases after the breakup they might have suddenly remembered all the good things about your relationship and forgotten why they wanted to break up and come back because of that out of some bias or realization they might also feel their attachment to you more strongly after the breakup like now that I don't have you anymore I suddenly miss you all the more also when they broke up with you their attachment to you their love for you was probably not at zero and now after the breakup or after a while and things happened these feelings
might have resurfaced and they might have felt their love for you very strongly and have wanted to come back because of that and their uncertainty might have also increased after the breakup because of the way other people in their life responded to the news of the breakup and that made them doubt the decision number seven anxiety your ex might be experiencing all kinds of anxiety after the breakup they might fear that they'll never find anyone else and end up alone and they may have come back to soothe that anxiety number eight emotional instability around 1
to 2% of people have something called emotionally unstable or borderline personality disorder they fall into the category of the disorganized attachment style their behavior in relationships is categorized by extreme ups and downs and push and pull dynamics part of their pattern is to push people away to then feel validated when you get back together again control some people dysfunctionally cope with their inner wounds by exerting control over others they might check back in just to see if they still have an effect on you if they could get you back even if that's not what they
want what now there is no oneizefits-all decision to resolve your situation there are so many possible reasons why your ex came back and behind each reason there are the individual stories of the both of you and of your unique relationship so both could be the right decision for you to rebuild the relationship or to stick with the breakup here's some things to consider to gain more clarity about what you want to do so start off by asking yourself is your ex experiencing true regret do they want to do the work to rebuild a fulfilling secure
relationship or are they seeking some sort of short-term relief from their pain through contact with you with no intention of actually getting back together if someone is experiencing true regret they'll take accountability for their role in your difficulties they will demonstrate changed behavior and not just make promises they will respect your boundaries and not pressure you and they will have a clear idea of what went wrong and what they and the both of you can work on so it doesn't happen again on the other hand if someone is trying to reconnect for short-term emotional comfort
they will probably reach out in moments of loneliness and distress their reasons for wanting to get back together again are pretty vague deep reflection will be missing they might avoid talking about past issues and what you would need to do to resolve them and their actions will contradict their words they might say that they'll work on themselves and change their relationship behavior but you can't see any changed behavior changed actions or maybe you can't even see any effort you can also reflect on the bigger picture and what you want what was your relationship like and
is this something that you want to work on rebuilding or do you know deep down that the best thing to do would be to go separate ways even though you've already invested a lot and a breakup is painful were you perhaps very conflicted all throughout the relationship and just hadn't initiated the breakup yet yourself or was this a relationship that was fulfilling to you is this the kind of relationship you'd still want and not just because you've already invested a lot what do you want and need in a relationship and is it realistic that you'd
get those needs fulfilled in that relationship what does your gut say close your eyes and imagine being back in a relationship with your ex what's your gut's response to that image does it feel warm and expansive or constricting and tense allow yourself to be really honest when reflecting this relationship did you perhaps contribute to the difficulties you had and in that way you kind of sabotaged the relationship subconsciously or was your partner abusive emotionally or otherwise and because of trauma bonding you didn't allow yourself to see that or break free from it and if you
find it hard to sort these things out consider getting a professional's perspective and if you do want to rebuild the relationship and that's also the honest intention of your ex are you both willing to put in the work that's necessary to do that and give yourself time to come to this decision if your partner is really willing to rebuild a secure relationship they'll respect your need for time to figure this out it's important not to be impulsive when making these kinds of decisions or to just give in to someone who's putting you under pressure so
take your time journal about it get some outside perspectives from friends and family that you trust do things that nourish your mental health so that you can be in a good emotional and mental space for important decisions don't give up healthy habits important work or activities so you can spend all that time ruminating about your ex decisive clarity comes from a healthy mind and that strength comes from healthy habits and expressing your values it's much more likely that you'll suddenly feel decisive clarity when you're exercising or in a yoga class rather than when you're lying
in bed ruminating all the best for your decision till next time take care and remember there is no general right or wrong choice you can make when your ex comes back either way can be a good decision what's important is figuring out what's the right choice for you [Music]
