are you figuring out ways that you can pleasure your partner even better than you have in the past I'm Dr Vita Malik urologist and pelvic surgeon and today I'm joined with Dr Kelly casperson a fellow urologist who has expertise in female sexual medicine who's going to help us talk about seven tips to help you pleasure your partner in bed and spice up your sex life you can follow Dr casperson on Instagram at Kelly casperson MD and check out her podcast refer it to your female Partners uh it's called you are not broken and you can
find it wherever you listen to your podcasts all right let's go so Kelly thank you so much for joining us today you got it happy to be here I want you to share a little bit about your story about how you got into sexual medicine because it's so interesting that this is something that you found so much passion in yeah I was just a regular urologist doing regular Urology things I was seeing a lot of females you know so I already had the experience of hearing all their stories but really I had a patient who
I treated for bladder cancer and she came in and she was just balling in my office that the intimacy and her marriage was gone even though it was a great marriage she didn't desire sex she never wanted to have sex just crying and I had a box of Kleenex and no other skills at all and so I like because of her I was like I've got to figure this out somebody has to know something and so it turns out lots of people know lots of things it just hasn't per ated into our general culture yet
yes yes I definitely agree with you on that I think female sexual dysfunction is swept under the rug I mean insurances don't even pay for the care that these patients need so it's really an amazing thing that you're doing an amazing service that you're providing to the community so thank you so much thank you it's a lot of fun and and women are so thankful for it it's like nobody ever told them they had to get to Like a Surgeon who decided to research it on our own right I'm like we got to get to
these people yeah absolutely so now for the men in the audience we're going to help you guys learn how to pleasure your female partner the best way you can we'll start off with five tips for you guys that you can take home and use to spice up your sex life so the first one that we're going to talk about is scheduling time for sex so what do you mean by scheduling time for sex Kelly well if we think about it we when we were younger we scheduled time for sex right maybe that partner wasn't available
in our house we were like Friday's going to be a date maybe there's going to be sex and so we had that anticipation and we didn't have any pressure until then right so you had this one time you were looking forward to you knew you were going to be dedicated to it and it was a a big turn on to schedule sex that way then now enter maybe a relationship maybe it's a monogamous relationship you guys are living together and we have this like myth that we should just like have it whenever all the time
but we don't right we're always too busy doing other things but if you take it back into scheduling it and say hey Sunday let's do this at 2: p.m. then you're like that's my protected time to do it it's kind of like exercising right you're like we could really work out whenever we wanted to but we don't so if you schedule it and you're like my workouts are this exact time you're much more likely to actually get it done and focus on the task at hand yeah and I think for female Partners right there's this
this thing where like people expect us all to have the spontaneous desire which you know maybe as a younger person you had because your you know your hormones were raging but now as an adult it's not necessarily there all the time it takes some effort one model of sexual function is desire has to come first so a lot of women feel like they're broken and they don't go have sex because they don't have desire for it but really my whole theory is desire isn't even necessary for a healthy sex and a healthy relationship so if
you schedule it and you say you might even look forward to it or you might just say you know what I'll like it once I get there that's my time slot to have it yes so guys schedule it just say like you know go up to your female partner and say look I I really want to make a special night for us or a special daytime whatever works for you and and I really want to make this special for us so can we plan to do this at this time and have open communication with them
because then they'll have time to get excited about it totally the other thing it does is it takes all the pressure off all the other days right because a lot of women with low desire or when you have mismatch desire in a relationship they're always worried like is today going to be the day am I going to have to say no again people don't like telling people no right so you take all the pressure off of all the other days so you can just be together not sexually on those days so it's really it's really
nice for that too yes that's awesome I love that so another thing that I think a lot of guys don't know is uh the very intricacies of female anatomy so why don't you expand on essentially what is the homologues or the similarities between male and female anatomy And how that play plays in yeah so we all started out embryologically the exact same way right and so the the labia on the outside is the homologue of the scrotum in the male and the clitoris is the homologue of the penis the myth is that the vagina is
where women have pleasure now you can you can touch the clitoris through the walls of the vagina but the vagina in and of itself is not the organ of sexual pleasure in women it is the clitoris and the clitoris is horrifically neglected what think about your sex education if you got any in school the female sexual organs are usually like the ovaries and the uterus which don't aren't involved in much pleasure at all right so really nobody gets taught that if the penis is what men use to get pleasure the clitoris is what the women
use to have pleasure yes absolutely and so the head of the clitoris is like the head of the penis and it actually has an extension that goes back just like the penis is extended so a lot of women actually don't get vaginal orgasms what's the percentage Kelly oh straight up vaginal orgasms is like 20% is really really low and the women who do have orgasms with vaginal penetration it is thought is because they're getting clitoral stimulation from it yes so absolutely guys so don't feel like you're doing something wrong because it's very uncommon to get
vaginal orgasms you have to focus your energy on their pleasure organ which is the clitoris and if you're interested in your partner female partner being more interested in sex her having a good time in the bedroom is where it's at if you just penis in vagina sex and she doesn't have a good time and she doesn't have pleasure she might be less interested in getting to the party in the first place yeah so all these videos are like thrust this way or thrust that way I mean they're probably getting to the point where you're trying
to you know get some cital stimulation from the vagina or the quote unquote G-spot is that like a real thing Kelly it depends upon who you ask it's just it's not actually a spot that you can like surgically cut out but it's on the anterior upside of the vagina kind of underneath where the urethra and bladder is and it really does stimulate the clitoris more that way so again it's not really the vagina that's the goal it's stimulating the clitoris the periurethral complex it's named after a doctor Dr graffenburg I believe um and so some
people are like yes that's everything and some people are like whatever just involve the clitoris and you don't have to like find certain spots yes yes so I I think it's great if you can get your partner to have a vaginal orgasm but if you really focus on the clitoris That's Where It's At absolutely and the other thing I tell people is it's an outside job right I think a lot of men think deeper harder no no no this is a woman she needs to be treated differently than how a man might need to have
stimulation to have an orgasm so focus on the outside structures yes so also I think that because it's different for men and women we talk about how you want to really pleasure your woman in the bedroom is number three it's not about you it's about her so prioritize her orgasm so that she can enjoy the process and turn want to pleasure you as well absolutely yeah and some things work better than penises do as far as penises are kind of you know big dub animals right hands are great mouths are great vibrators are great there
are other things that are designed better than penises to give a woman pleasure I just called penises big dumb animals you had you had said something like use your hands and your mouth and if they get tired use something battery powered is that right that we have technology for a reason right like we could walk around Barefoot but shoes are amazing same thing for for stimulating women it's like we've got the things we're born with but we've got plenty of great technology that works well now yes and your partner will thank you for it so
honestly uh this is something that will really spice up your sex life women want to feel desired they want to feel taken care of they want to feel like somebody's giving them attention and pleasure those are all great skills to bring into the bedroom absolutely and then number four is how do you approach sex so I made a video recently about like how long penetrative sex lasts on average and it was about a little over 5 minutes um but that doesn't mean that that's the entirety of sex so let's talk about number four which is
go slow with sex yes so the data shows that women take 30 to 50 minutes from start of turn on to orgasm women or men take about 3 to 5 minutes so that's a horrible mismatch and here's the other thing women or people will be like why do women take so long just thinking that thought makes you realize you're thinking in a very male Centric way why is the male the dominant or default time it's supposed to take right how fabulous and lucky are we that we can take 30 minutes to have pleasure so think
about women's pleasure in a very different way and don't always try to fit it into the male perspective of what should happen the other thought on that is a lot of people really have narrow views of what sex is in our society sex is traditionally the penis and vagina sex sex starts when the penis goes in the vagina and it ends when he has orgasm and then if she didn't get her turn or her Joy well that then she has a problem right to turn that Paradigm around and to say intimacy and sex involves all
touch of all over the body and the penis and the vagina is only one little part of it the majority of women will have orgasms without needing that penis in the vagina yeah absolutely so I know it's it's kind of challenging for some guys because you may have issues with premature ejaculation if that's the case certainly go see a urologist we can help you with that check out my other video on uh premature ejaculation where I react to an episode of Sex in the City I talk a little bit about that but if you have
normal ejaculatory function and you're able to delay your pleasure it will really pay off for your partner and really pay off for your sex life yeah I think you know if you can take the penis and vagina and maybe save it for later work on the female's pleasure first with your other tools with your other toys with the outside stimulation save that for later and really expand your view of what sex means because we live in a very male Centric society and it's really hurting women in the bedroom yes and so that brings us to
our last point which is use lube and I will tell you that so many people don't use lubricant but it is amazing so Kelly you talk to us a little bit about what kind of Lubes we should use yeah so there's lots of different types of lube and before we talk about that I want to dispel some myths right I want to dispel the myth of if she's not wet enough it means she's not having a good time or because she's wet it means she's having a good time what the lubrication that a woman can
produce has nothing to do sometimes it has something to do but often times it has nothing to do with how turned on she's she is how much she is attracted to you so don't use her wetness as a measure of anything lubrication will only add to that moisture we're trying to stop any sort of pain or friction that's bad friction that's good orgasm friction that's bad pain and doesn't want to have sex right so lubrication just makes everything Glide more people who use lubrication have more orgasms have more pleasure in the bedroom of course they've
studied this because Lube is like a billion dollar company or industry so there's water-based Lubes which are really easy to clean up those are your over-the-counter I think those are your like you know bottom of the barrel budget at a bare minimum use waterbased Lube your higher end Lube is silicone lube caution this with some sex toys that are silicone based but uh with the really high-end sex toys they it tends to be okay I just don't want anybody to like wreck their expensive tools um really nice cuz it's longer lasting right silicone doesn't get
absorbed into the skin which is why it's great especially in that per menopausal menopausal skin that tends to be more dry so silicone Lube's awesome watch if you spill it on the floor it's very very slippery and I don't want anybody to hurt themselves so watch if you're using it in the shower or in the bathroom um then there's some oilbased Lubes there's hybrid Lubes which are a combination of water and silicone so you get Best of Both Worlds I see young women young women in their early 20s they come in to see me for
pain with sex the first question I I never ask do you use Lube I always ask the question what type of lube do you use because I really want to normalize that it's part of a healthy sexual function and a couple of women they'll say well my boyfriend told me I shouldn't need to use Loop and here she is coming to see a surgeon cuz she's having pain with sex to me I'm like we've got to get the word out like Lube is to help people have pleasure to avoid pain to make sex fun it's
cheap use Lube yeah absolutely and there's different kinds of lube even within those categories there's different kinds of lubs that you can try there's warming lubs cooling lubs um and and you know you can kind of have fun with it I would caution that if you use waterbased lubs you need to reapply depending on how long you're having sex for um because it does dry up and so they're great to use but just make sure that you're using them liberally and often yep yep and and her wetness doesn't mean anything about so there's something called
arousal desire mismatch right so she can be Desiring sex but she doesn't have the moisture down there and that can happen more and more with age as estrogen levels drop and that skin becomes more dry so the arousal desire mismatch means she might be very interested in sex and just not have the lubrication she needs to protect those sensitive structures another thing to think about is desire mismatch in a relationship often times stereotypically but not always the man has a higher sex drive than the woman does that doesn't mean that the woman is the broken
one in the scenario it just means she's Desiring some level of sex and a guy's Desiring more very very common people think that that their relationship's broken over that most people have desire mismatch in their relationship because it's two people trying to get along in the world right like I like Cheerios and he likes oatmeal it's okay we're two different people what we need to do is meet in the middle and match and to say hey working with these two desires how can we make it satisfying for both people and the man knowing he he
doesn't have to get all of his pleasure enjoyment and orgasms from the woman right he certainly can involve her and maybe in some self-pleasure or alone time but take the pressure off of the low desire person the low desire person doesn't want to say no all the time right they just feel like I can't go to that higher level I don't like running marathons and my husband likes you know running doesn't for me to try to run marathons would be a huge stress on me right it's simply just not what I want to do so
desire mismatch communicate about it and you're going to get a lot farther than trying to avoid it and that's my last tip is communication skills talking about intimacy what it means to you what you want the type of intimacy you want to have or trying new things is really important and part of how people build Intimacy in their relationships tips for communication do it outside the bedroom do it while clothed perhaps over lunch or a cup of coffee and revisit it it doesn't go well the first time cuz we've never gotten trained and how to
communicate about sex it's really uncomfortable for a lot of people so know that the communication can be ongoing and if you look at people who have successful happy sex lives they're communicating it's absolutely essential yes and and you know as you mentioned communication can be super awkward at times for for yourself and your partner and just don't take it personally like if they react in a funny way when you bring it up because they just feel awkward so just take some time and and open this up but try not to get personally offended and just
keep at it because this is what you need for a very happy healthy sex life and happy healthy relationship totally another communication tip is make it about you meaning I feel I want more intimacy instead of you don't want to have sex enough so just make sure the tone on that is very much inclusive about your needs and not what's wrong with the other person you're going to get way farther with that with that talk awesome and guys if your partner is having issues in the bedroom have them see a urologist ideally someone who specializes
in sexual health but to see a urologist and we're more than happy to help you um get through some of the issues that your spouse may be feeling and of course yourself as well we're always happy to help men who are having issues with erections ejaculation all of the above totally other tips for that is to see a sex therapist you can go to the asct website a aect it's the American Association of certified sex therapists I think um they're exceptional they're basically therapists that are just comfortable talking about about sex they work a lot
with desire mismatch low desire even premature ejaculation so it's a great another tool if you don't have a urologist near you who expertise to seek out a sex therapist yes awesome well thank you so much Kelly it's been such a pleasure having you on before we head off I want to let you guys know that Dr casperson and I are thinking about putting together a course that you could sign up for to learn about male sexual dysfunction as well as female sexual dysfunction as it relates to satisfying your partner so if this is something that
you're interested in please fill out a survey that we've Linked In the description below to let us know what your thoughts are what you'd like to learn so we can tailor it exactly for what you want to know as always thank you so much for watching and always remember to take care of yourself because you're worth it
