so I love this quote from the dolly Lama if a problem is fixable if a situation is such that you can do something about it then there's no need to worry if it's not fixable then there is no help in worrying there is no benefit in worrying whatsoever and that's actually true because unless you're worrying about it so that you can solve the problem and come up with Solutions worrying doesn't fix anything it just really frustrates you and stresses you out and keeps you stressed and there's a study from Cornell that found that 85% of
the things that people worry about actually never come to pass and of the remaining check I think this is the even more important thing so if you think about the fact that 85% of the stuff that you worry about that you probably then start dreading right never even happened so what a gigantic waste of time and energy What a Sad thing to do to yourself in your life but here I think is the even more important thing to lean into because I know you might be listening and you might go yeah but 15% of the
things do come true mels so so what about you know what what how do I know if the thing that I'm worrying about is actually the 15% that come true or the 85% that don't well here's what I want to tell you of the remaining 15% I'll give you this that actually come true that you're worried about 78% of people find that the thing that you were worried about that challenge it's easier to handle than you expected and that you learned something valuable from it that's incredible which means the worrying actually didn't help you with
it anyway and so the things that actually happen the majority of them you don't even need to be worrying about because it's easier than you think and you're going to learn something from it anyway and so if you can face uncertainty in these moments not with bracing and Dread but with the ability to go okay I'm going to be able to handle this and I'm going to learn something about this then you are able to show up differently and focus on the things you can control what you think what you say what you do and
that's pretty cool really cool what if it all works out what if it all works out and no matter what it does because worst case scenario you're G to you're going to learn something it's true and that's an awesome way to to look at things and so I feel like that's a tool too the next time that you feel a situation coming up and you feel yourself dreading it embracing you've already presumed it's going horrible which means you're going to get hijacked and you're going to align your thoughts and actions and feelings with it going
horrible and the truth is it's always just uncertain and that creates an opportunity for you to learn this incredible skill of living with uncertainty and coaching yourself through these moments by saying well if it if we're uncertain how it's going to go and how could I know uh the funeral hasn't happened yet we don't know the diagnosis yet we haven't had the breakup conversation yet I haven't done the presentation yet I don't need to dread this but I can create room for uncertainty as I sit here on this plane or as I prepare for this
presentation or as I walk to that person's apartment knowing that I need to sit them down and tell them that this isn't working if I can keep myself in uncertainty then I can keep myself in the space of what if this all works out what if this is even if it's bad it works out even if this is uncomfortable it works out you stay there and now you're building this extraordinary skill that we all need in life of navigating these moments and instead of bracing and assuming the worst and just like hijacking it actually staying
steady wow that's a really good Insight it sound sounds to me like when you do let dread take over are you almost manifesting things going wrong it's bigger than manifesting now it's a good word this is a super interesting topic so there's a couple things happening when dread takes over because dread is literally anticipating the worst and when you start to focus on the negative it triggers you to go from a state where you're really present to the alarm system in your body going to fight flight or freeze this is evolutionary this is hardwired in
you it is a defense mechanism that actually protects you and it keeps you in many ways alive and I can tell you right now like if the fire alarm went off right now in this building and we smelled smoke the fire alarm inside your body and my body body would also go off fight flight freeze like run right and we would literally run out of this place and if we were running out of this place there is no way you and I could do a math problem at the same time because your body's wiring takes
over to keep you safe and that's why this is kind of bigger than manifesting it's actually hardwiring in your body there's something that uh a lot of experts that come on the show or if you're interested in Neuroscience they talk about this negativity bias in your mind your mind is wired to magnify things that are negative or things that are scary or things that could go wrong as a attempt to try to protect you and to keep you safe like if we're on a on a hike your mind is likely to spot the rattlesnake over
there because it's dangerous versus the leaf that's turning orange which is beautiful because if your brain can see the rattlesnake it can keep you away from it and that's a good thing except for when you start to feel this sense of dread and bracing and being in this mode all the time where all you can do is think about what could go wrong or beat yourself up and so what happens is you don't just manifest the negative you put yourself into a mental physical and spiritual space that is very negative and that overrides your ability
to think to problem solve to be calm to be present and back to your word manifesting because you're in a negative State and because your energy is bad and because you can't actually tap into your thinking and because you're now spiraling you actually do create more bad because you're living in this mindset that everything is falling apart and you also can't take the proactive steps to make things better and so yes it's partially just the hard wiring and I do think that when you get hijacked like that you attract more negativity you cause more negativity
because you can't meet the moment and the truth is if you recognize what's happening in the moment you can absolutely train yourself to go oh this is what Mel was talking about with Phil this is that moment of dread this is where my shoulders are going up this is where I feel myself procrastinating because I'm stressed I don't have to do this I can settle myself with breathing in for four holding it breathing out holding it I can just do the Box breathing I can tell myself what if everything works out I can remind myself
there are things I can focus on that are within my control I can remind myself that if I get a good night's sleep instead of drinking an entire bottle of gin right now because I'm nervous that probably help me I can remind myself that even though I'm stressed out I can prepare for this speech I can eat a healthy dinner which is going to help me in the thing I need to do tomorrow I can remind myself that even though I'm terrified of the conversation that I'm dreading that I'm going to get through this and
this is important to break up and do what I need to do even though it's going to hurt somebody or they're going to be disappointed and I'm dreading this and so that 1,000% is why this matters so much it doesn't change the horrible thing like I think a lot about that moment in my life where I was getting ready to go to a friend's funeral you know anytime you go to a funeral you dread it like it's just something you don't want to have to do and in this particular case it was also somebody who
had died by su side and was a very very close friend of ours and he was like the second father to our daughter and it just was horrifically awful and I remember just bracing and feeling like I don't want to do this I don't like this can't be what's happening and I ended up just sitting down and settling myself I I remember it like it was yesterday and this was probably God like 14 years ago I remember I didn't have a bra on yet I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my pants
on and my shoes were on the floor and I just sat there and I put my hand on my heart and I said it's going to be okay you can get through this you need to be present for his kids and his family and you need to be present for your kids and your husband because they loved him too and getting into this mode where you Mal leave your body and you're not present for this celebration and mourning of this person that so many people loved that's not the way you want to show up right
now even though this this shit's really hard and so I remember just consciously I don't know I don't think I knew about box breathing back then but I just kind of instinctually put my hand on my heart and just said I we're going to get through this like no matter what happens today we're going to get through this and I want to be present for his kids and I want to be present for him and I want to be present for my kids and my daughter in particular and just settling yourself and reminding yourself that
even though you don't want to go through this you are stronger than this moment and being present for it and moving through it in a way where you are connected to yourself and you are reminding yourself that you are going to be okay and that you're not going to go through this alone and to just keep showing up and to believe that's how I settled myself and got through that moment because had I allowed all of that to consume me I probably wouldn't remember anything about that day or anything about that moment and it was
an absolutely breathtaking celebration of him and I remember every single detail and I was able to show up you know for my daughter in a way um that I wouldn't have been able to if I had been just dreading it and so I think there are these moments where you're deeply scared like I was on the plane or maybe your dad was when he got the diagnosis or my dad and mom were when they got his diagnosis where you nurture yourself and then there are these moments where you need to Rise Above This dread because
you actually have to show up for someone else my husband and I went away we went all the way to Bali so we're flying back all of a sudden the plane starts I'm now convincing myself we're about to die the captain's like can they turn pleas chter F my husband was sitting there like a Buddhist statue as I'm having a fullblown I'm about to die moment in my seat
