-Good evening, everybody. I'm Seth Meyers, this is "Late Night. " We hope you're doing well.
And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get to the news. It's officially been one year since President Trump returned to the White House. And I'll be celebrating with the traditional first anniversary gift, paper.
[ Laughter ] President Trump released a video last week calling on Congress to pass his Great Healthcare Plan and said, quote, "Under this policy, the prices of many drugs will be slashed by 300, 400, and even 500%. Once again, 100% is the most you can lower a price. How did you ever run a casino?
Oh, right. Briefly. President Trump promoted a book on Sunday called "The Invisible Coup.
" "How American Elites and Foreign Powers Use Immigration As A Weapon. " "It was a long read, but I finished the whole thing," said Trump about the title. Vice President JD Vance and Second Lady Usha Vance are set next month to attend the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics, partly as a diplomatic move and partly to shop for new countries to threaten.
First Lady Melania Trump spoke last week at an event hosted by the video call service Zoom. Kind of surprising for someone who spent the last 10 years on mute. The NFL has announced that the band Green Day will perform in the opening ceremony of Super Bowl 60.
That's right, just another 60-year-old using Green Day to try to look cool. Heinz has unveiled a fry box with a built-in ketchup compartment called the Heinz Dipper. That would be pretty cool until the fourth or fifth time you knock your fries over.
Why? Why do I want to play Jenga with my fries? I'll just smooth out my burger wrapper and spray a big pile of ketchup on that like a normal person.
And finally, the company that makes the plant based Beyond Meat, has released a new protein drink. Finally, a drink with no meat in it. [ Laughter ] And that was the monologue, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ] Got a great show for you tonight. He's a fantastic actor you know from films such as "Sling Blade," "Bad Santa," and "Friday Night Lights," as well as shows like "Goliath" and "Fargo. " Currently, he's starring in "Landman.
" The second season is streaming now on Paramount Plus. Billy Bob Thornton is here, everybody. She's a talented comedian and actress you know from her eight-season run on "Saturday Night Live," as well as her work on Apple TV's "Shrinking.
" She is now making her Broadway debut in "All Out. " A comedy about ambition at the Nederlander Theatre. Heidi Gardner is back in the building, everybody.
And she's a best-selling author and cook who will be here to whip up some amazing sandwiches for us. Molly Baz will also be joining us "Family Trips" this week Tony Goldwyn and Anna Musky-Goldwyn. It was a great conversation, you guys.
Moving on. Donald Trump just can't stop himself from talking to the press and saying crazy things. With that in mind, let's take a look at some of those things in a segment we're calling "Talking Trump.
" ♪♪ During a recent press conference, President Trump called Deputy White House Chief of Staff Stephen Miller a, quote, "MVP candidate. " It stands for most vampire-like person. -Leave him alone.
-Excuse me. -Leave him alone. Haven't we made fun of Stephen Miller enough?
-Oh, he's a public figure, so I think it is okay to make jokes about him. -Leave him alone. Poor guy.
He's just doing the best he can. The last thing he needs after a long day of whispering evil things in the President's ear, is to turn on the TV and see you making fun of him. Leave him alone!
-I'm sorry. Are you a Stephen Miller supporter? -If I'm a supporter of anything, it's kindness, compassion, not mean-spirited jokes.
If you have to make fun of somebody, make fun of me. -Oh, I don't even know you. I mean, why would I make fun of you?
-Well, you could make fun of the fact that my nose hair is so long it tickles the back of my throat. -Oh, yeah, I don't -- I don't want to joke about that. I usually just tell jokes about people who are in the news.
You know, people like Stephen Miller. -Oh, sure. Make fun of Stephen Miller.
Have your fun. Go ahead and say he looks like a smooth testicle in a suit. -Well, that's kind of harsh, -I know.
So leave him alone! If you want somebody to joke about, you can joke about me. How about this?
You can make fun of the fact that my Netflix password is don't eat that doughnut to remind myself not to eat so many doughnuts. But it only makes me want more doughnuts. -That's really just not something I would make a joke about.
-Because it's a serious problem? -No. -Okay.
Can you hold on to that? Thanks. How about this?
You can make fun of the fact that I'm participating in Dr January. I haven't used any skin lotion all month and now my hands are a musical instrument. [ Scratching ] [ Laughter ] -Can you just please stop?
-Only if you leave Stephen Miller alone. So are you gonna? -Gonna what?
-Leave him alone! -If you want somebody to make fun of, make fun of me. You make fun of the fact that I still don't have plans for New Year's Eve.
-New Year's was almost a month ago. -Oh, no, I missed it? -Yeah.
-Happy New Year! -Who wants to kiss? -No, don't kiss anyone.
-Oh, right, because I want my first kiss to be special. How about something else to joke about? You can make fun of the fact that I'm trying out a new exercise routine -where I jog in the park.
-Oh, okay. Well, that actually sounds normal. -No, I'm sorry, I misspoke.
I jig in the park. -You jig? -Yes.
Like this. ♪♪ ♪♪ -[ Cheers ] -Whew! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh.
Whoo! What's that, Seth? You want more jig?
Okay. ♪♪ -Come on, everybody, jig with me! ♪♪ -All right, that's enough!
-I just want to get back to my show, man. -Okay, okay. But what if you wanted to joke about this?
You can make fun of the fact that I can read your mind. -Oh, really? What am I thinking?
-All right, that's enough. I just want to get back to my show. -Oh, yeah.
That was actually. -That was what I was thinking. -Do you know what I'm thinking?
-What? -Do you know what I'm thinking? -Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're thinking I'm not in good shape. I should do more cardio before I dance a jig on national television. -Very true.
And I'm also thinking this. -Leave em alone! -That's enough.
Get out of here. -Fine. I'll go.
But remember, everyone, exercise is important. And. Mean old jokes.
Also, don't eat a donut right before you do that. -You're also -- You can't believe-- -What's that? You can't believe how happy they were that you danced.
-You know what? -I was expecting it. -I bet they'd love for you to do a little bit more.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -All right. All right. Finish.
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Now we're gonna end the sketch. -I think it ended a while ago. -Did it ever start?
-[ Laughter ] -Before I go, please, everyone remember-- -Slower. -Before. .
. I. .
. go. .
. Remember everyone. .
. ♪ Mean old jokes is something I don't condone ♪ ♪ Either make fun of me or just leave 'em alone ♪ -Wink. -[ Ding ] -We'll be right back with Billy Bob Thornton, everyone.
