once in a while I get a letter seeking my advice that's so serious that I'm not sure I should even read it on YouTube usually I decline but in the case of a letter I received just a few days ago I couldn't stop thinking about the danger that everyone is in and thought I'd better tell the letter writer who asked me to be as harsh as I needed to be the Urgent truth so here goes I'll call this man Mitchell and this is what he told me hi my story of limerance is long and painful
I'm 37 years old and this has been going on since I was 13 or so I understand limerance quite well I read the literature the videos therapists Lifestyle Changes medication I've been through it all I'm hoping you've got some perspective for me harsh or otherwise all right I've got the fairy pencil I'm going to circle things I want to come back to and let's go through and I'll share with you what's going on in his life my childhood featured an alcoholic father an overbearing and nagging mother and a whole lot of fighting my parents would
often just put me between them I'd be forced to be the Peacekeeper as young as eight or nine I remember being terrified of feeling my parents weren't in control like I was the adult I learned to become whatever the situation called for I used to think of myself as a chameleon able to shift to keep the waters calm my mon during the fighting was to tell myself I'm a rock I do not feel as if I did one of them would use it as fuel they'd play me off each other constantly and dad says don't
tell Mom about the drinking mom knows he's been drinking and asked me to confirm I became what my therapist described as a master compartmentalize before the age of 10 I have a strong urge to help people I've always felt that the only way people will accept me is if I'm doing something for them fast forward to my 20s I'm hyper independent I moved out as soon as possible and I put myself through University got a dream job moved to the city all that stuff I thought would fix me as a kid I just kept my
nose down I met a girl she was beautiful smart sweet everything I could have hoped for and she loved me I don't think I ever really stopped to think if I ever truly loved her the way she loved me I felt a combination of guilt Safety and Security with her she had a few issues and I showed her how to become independent and strong H we got married and had a child and things were good the child turned out to be severely disabled I knew early on and exhausted all my resources to try and fix
the problem that wasn't really fixable I was destroyed I felt it was somehow my fault I felt like someone kicked me in the chest for a solid Year my child was obsessed with long car rides by the age of two and I didn't mind as it gave my wife a break from a challenging situation that's when it happened I saw a girl on the side of the road in danger she was laying down and not moving I called from the car to see if she needed help she didn't move I swooped in like the foolish
rescuer I am and got involved D called 911 and performed rescue breathing to reverse her overdose she was homeless badly mentally ill and a drug addict but I literally saved her life I looked for her until I found her again and she remembered me and she was so sweet I'll never forget the glimmer it made me feel things I'd never felt I've read that limerance is charged by drama uncertainty Etc this girl had it all I'd start seeking her out on my drives I didn't know why but she was a magnet for me I was
hooked badly she pressed every button in me I didn't stand a chance she took me to places I'd never dreamed I'd go over the course of the next 3 years I won't get into specifics but I've learned to navigate the mental health system the legal system the streets and everything between for her I'll never forget when I eventually found myself in a crack house my number painted on the wall all I made a deal with a decent guy that ran this Flop House he wouldn't let anyone exploit her in exchange I'd help him with some
personal goals he was really into things I did professionally I never did the drugs I used to say she was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to her I fought hard I told my wife early on and she was incredibly supportive I'd often get the girl admitted to the hospital for care partly to give myself a break and because she needed to she'd go off the rails after a few days of drug use by this point and become extremely vulnerable she spent almost all her time calling me and trying to find me when I
changed my number she just kept going to the places I frequented asking for me she overdosed and died eventually I was devastated but within a week I felt a sense of relief like none other I got very lucky to get out I still think it was a gift all right my marriage was never really the same I simply did too much damage there was love but I think deep down we both knew that splitting up would badly hurt our son who required massive support both in daily life and financially we moved past as best we
could I took the advice that seemed best I started my own business set and met lofty goals things between my wife and I were just fine I had large L resign myself to a life of relative loneliness and servitude I wanted to do the right thing leaving my family at this point to try and seek happiness wasn't something I felt capable of doing when I was growing up I learned to be selfish because I had to entirely rely on myself but leaving the marriage was a line I wouldn't cross I learned to never go down
to that part again but one day I was in a store and I saw a young girl getting cornered by SEC I witnessed them toss her out for some personal hygiene items she was trying to steal I bought the items and found her outside she was so nice hugged me and told me her name and it was over before I knew what I had even done it all came back and I knew it at that moment I tried to put it out of my mind but my son wanted his car rides and I had a
new liant object a liant object by the way is the person where you direct limerance limerance is um an addictive obsession with another person that is so strong um even though it's not possible to be together it's so strong it just destroys everything else in your life and it destroys your availability for real love so this would be the right word for this but this is an extreme case it's been about four months I've become her entire support system my wife doesn't know it was manageable until she started to be become liant for me I
fueled the fire she has nobody except me she views me as her boyfriend and has largely reduced her substance use and moved back in with an old relative to try and reclaim her life she tells me she's falling for me I wanted her to be using me but I can't deny that I've injected myself into her life and made myself her limerent object she doesn't know it but I know the signs she's registered for treatment all she talks about is getting sober so we can be together for real I know this isn't real the addiction
is strong for me as well I'm feeling extremely guilty as I know if I pull away now she's going to be even more doomed I tried to speedrun the limerance when she wanted things to become physical I didn't stop it I told myself if I just go through the stages I'll be out faster I'm already starting to feel deterioration she's still in there but I'm trying to be very clinical in how I get through this uh-huh I never expected it to be reciprocated I even put myself into a position to be rejected so she'd crush
me and I could try to move on it backfired badly she's just starting to really ramp up now I don't know how to get out of this in one piece without someone dying if I end up actually with her it'll be the end of me and if I try to stop now she will definitely die die I know it sounds like an excuse but I put myself into a position in her life without thinking of the full consequences of my actions should they be effective I don't want to abandon her but I know I must
I'm the only male figure she's ever had that was positive for her she's been badly abused by the worst kind of men and I broke down her walls and forced myself in I'm it's not much different than the first girl except this one isn't fully gone yet she's close but has hope and I'm about to smash it to bits if I can even muster the courage I don't really know how to live life like this even if I get past this one I'll be back to where I started except this time I've exhausted my purposeful
living ideas I've got a business that's successful that I'll lose if I leave my large home is key to my business rent is very unaffordable where I live every one will suffer greatly all around things are very stable for my son right now but if I were to leave it would upend him in the worst way all right Mitchell okay I'm going to respond to this so I would say this is an emergency this is an emergency situation for you um let me go through what you told me so you have this rough past and
I get it like all basically all the letters I ever a receiver from people who had these rough pasts so I understand I know it played a role I don't think we need to dwell on it much it's not relevant right now the crisis is you in present time all right um this thing where it's like oh you always felt you could fix people just I'm going to ask you to forget that thought that sounds like a rationalization you know maybe it was your pattern who knows it doesn't matter what your pattern has ever been
it doesn't matter how you got that way because that information is not useful here to correcting the situ ation before somebody is terribly hurt all right my child was um you a severely disabled kid that is so rough and I'm sorry and this thing where your wife loves you and she's great but you're not sure you love her well it sounds like you have a bit of avoidance there right now because you have a severely disabled child uh trying to have like the ultimate great love in your marriage is a luxury fantasy right now most
marriages are about practical day-to-day love and that's what you have and I'm going to just really say so strongly do not f it up do not f it up so you have a good marriage you have somebody who's there with you and you guys are dealing with the car hand of cards you've been dealt which is a severely disabled kid who needs you and there it is so the car rides is what worked all right yeah all right I get it your kid needs car rides but that is no reason for you to be sniffing
around around where this Obsession you have with broken bird girls is I'm going to get to the tough love with what you're going to need to do but those days are over you can't use your kid as an excuse to be out there doing that you can't be doing this in front of your kid you can't be doing this as the father of this kid and you can't be doing this to your wife and you can't be doing it to these poor women who are so fragile so let let me get to that all right
so when you saw this girl not moving on the side of the road I don't think it was foolish to stop and call 911 and do do uh rescue breathing to reverse the overdose you know you did save her life and that was the right thing to do then you found out how vulnerable you are so I'll tell you something um it's a pattern sometimes for for men and this is you know men and women have mostly common symptoms but here's the thing that happens to men sometimes when they become fathers is they freak out
and they do something extremely drastic they go through some personal transformation that makes them impossible for their their their partner to stay with and everything is ruined and you are doing that right now and it's a it's an Impulse it's an immature impulse it might be trauma driven but it doesn't matter what causes it you you don't get to do it right now okay you just don't get to do this and so you develop limerance you can remember the glimmer you could feel it I think you have very clear eyes that this is an addiction
and it's it's sick and it's unhealthy but there's something I don't think you're seeing very well now I've been dragged down by relationships before and I understand what's going on here and this these are pretty severe severe markers of going down where you know you're having to navigate the legal system mental health system streets and then eventually be in a crack house trying to make a deal with the proprietor to what to trade help for her so yeah okay I can understand your motives here but it's um you knew for a long time that this
was sick for you this is not a healthy thing this is not something you and your wife are doing together it's like your private thing using your kid as a prop to justify it so yeah she was addicted to drugs you were addicted to her and there you are you're an addict that's what it is you are an addict and you say I fought hard and you told your wife and she was incredibly supportive and I just had to Circle that I'm like why why would she be supportive about you being obsessed with a woman
who's a drug addict I would be very alarmed by something like that so you didn't tell me much about that I'm just going to assume that she had some sort of good faith in the beginning and if she found out what's really going on now she would not this would be terrible absolutely destructive to her so you'd get the girl admitted to the hospital just to not deal with her you managed to like cut off contact block her she'd look for you and then when she died and I've had that happen too I've had a
partner die I've had two partners die of drugs of overdoses and I was also devastated and I was also incredibly relieved at the end of it because I wasn't able to get out myself so I do understand you were lucky to get out you know it wasn't it's a shame that it had to be that way but but we don't have to link your story with her story her she was her story was she was going where she was going and you got sidetracked and you got set free to stay with your family and show
up for them as they depend on you to do so your marriage was damaged and so that's what I don't understand you say that was too much damage but your wife was supportive so I don't really understand what that is is she just codependent and thinks she has to be nice is she terrified that you're going to leave and she has to put up with any amount of you know we call that crap fitting when you yourself to an unacceptable situation or person I don't know but it is unacceptable whether she knows it or not
and um you kept you did the best you could you moved past it you started a business so you did all these outward signs but there was there was not healing in yourself you you got an escape from that situation but you didn't heal you knew that you couldn't leave the marriage and I'm glad you didn't and then you wouldn't go to that part of the town but then your your son wanted the ride and that's you know you know you're you know you're bullshitting right like if you really have to drive your car you
don't have to go there um and you you know with so much at stake you just I I want you to just like cut the just cut it out that's this has nothing to do with your son's need for rides this is your addiction so you helped a girl who got busted shoplifting and then you rescued her and then next thing you know now here's where you're going into magical thinking where you say I I've become her whole support system I'm the only positive man in her life so here's why I'm going to give you
the tough love you're a terrible man in her life you're married you have a kid you have an addiction addicted love is not real love you're not going to be with her no matter how your life how this plays out this is not the real thing you have something very very hurt and destructive inside you that must be heal everything you do out of this addiction hurts people including her you're not so I just you know you asked me to be harsh and I think this is what you needed me to say you're not the
good guy you imagine yourself to be you're not saving anybody you're injecting yourself you're creating a false dependency on them and while that's real that is no excuse to continue another day in this relationship so maybe you want to call a crisis center and tell them the situation or call a doctor or therapist or homeless shelter but I'm going to ask you Mitchell please never have contact with her again and if you want the doctor or the therapist or the social worker or the crisis center to pass this message that you can't have contact again
and send her your good wishes do that but please do not use anything as an excuse to keep this terrible situation alive everything that you do is poison right now stop the poison stop the contact you haven't told your wife yet and I don't know if you should I'm going to say that you really need to be with a professional helper on this a therapist um a specialist in Sex and Love addiction and also I'm going to put it out there there is a program called sex and love addicts anonymous also sex addicts anonymous for
men and you need to be in a men's only program and I'm going to really lay down the law here and say you should not go to meetings that are mixed gender you should not be every everybody in a 12-step meeting is a broken bird so you should not you need to you need to like dry out my friend dry out and be away from damaged women and be away from any kind of Temptation while you start to get really really honest with people who care about you and who get it about what's been going
on I think you are in danger as a as a person spiritually but also like this is what really can take people down to the edge of survival and I'm just going to caution you so strongly go get help go get help now here's the thing you need to be Discerning you need to simultaneously be the person who's suffering and the person who's looking at the suffering you and making better decisions because if you want to you can find a therapist who will enable you to keep doing this who will just sit there and talk
in circles with you about your feelings about it rather than to get in there with the moral emergency that this is and the really the survival emergency that it is for your family for your wife and your child for the woman involved and for you so this is an emergency and so please stay away from any helpers who don't see it as that and who can will enable you to keep going you you will always find people who will enable you about this you can go to a bar and get drunk with some guys and
say my wife my kid then you know it's such a burden I have and I you can get people to enable you any time you want to but you're going to have to be strong and refuse to do that do not get enabled get with the people who will help you be strong and draw the line on this so yeah this dream of like perfect marriage oh yes it just hurts it hurts to know that it's not going to be perfect it's not going to be a perfect child your child has a disability I don't
know what it is I'm guessing it's uh something that takes a huge amount of care and this is one of the things that a lot lot of families who of disabled kids um struggle with perhaps with severely autistic kids there are a lot of conditions that could be like that and you know what helps them to be in support groups with other parents who do that and I know people I know people who do this they have they they have close fellowship and family friendships with other parents who are going through this and other kids
and they work together to advocate in schools and from their counties to get the care they need and this is like this is what's happened you know life is not just like we get to drive off and have no problems life has problems and life has beautiful things in it and the problems and the Beautiful Things are linked together and I know that having a disabled kid is a hard thing I know it's a hard thing but it's also this incredible opportunity for you as a person to come out of this I'm G to call
it this selfish desire to you know have this um to be this like rescuer to save somebody to just run away from it all and to stay and show up and be there for the people whose lives you have committed to to honor your commitment to them and it's one thing when parents get divorced when the kids are easy and don't need a lot of care it's still destructive but where this is right now where it probably takes one parent Home full time like please don't do that that please please stay and give your love
and your efforts and your your fatherly and husbandly energy to these two people who totally deserve your ongoing commitment and who will benefit tremendously because you can give that to them and who will suffer horribly if you don't so with a therapist decide what your wife needs to know I'm not going to try to take that on you know when I don't really know you or what enough about the situation but I'm going to call out the emergency for what it is uh I would let go of this idea that this girl's life depends on
you continuing to be there as this fake boyfriend you know this tormented soul Who's in there like ruining his whole life and really lying about his emotional availability for her i' I've gone ahead and blown this video by saying again and again but it's all right you're not good for her I'm I I like the idea of you uh contacting a professional who will know what's going on and communicate your your farewell to her but no contact is how we do this no contact and if you're ready to take that seriously go get that professional
help check in with sex and love addicts anonymous and get immediately with people who you can tell the truth to who will help you make strong good caring loving wise human responsible decisions about this all right I send you my love I invite everybody in the comments please don't criticize please give your support and love to Mitchell who needs it right now all right now I always end with a suggestion for a download and in this one like I'm tempted to give something that's very strict but what I want to leave you with is hope
I want to leave you with a very deep document that I've created on the signs of healing I want you to read it and I want you to look at what it can be like when you have some healing around this stuff and how life can blossom when you're in an addiction you think if you don't have the addictive thing the liant object the drug you think that there's nothing life is just going to be horrible everybody's going to die here's what's actually in store when you when you can get free of your of your
addiction and other self-defeating behaviors you can download my signs of healing right there and I will see you very soon [Music] [Music]
