now this this essay is good enough to get you into Harvard Yale Princeton for those of you who don't know me I'm Kevin zet Exeter grad yo grad breakdancer YouTuber plant's dad and also a professional college counselor and today we are going to be editing your common app essays again super fast announcement before we dive right into the first Common FSA now many of you have been asking when is the next time we're going to be doing something like this again just make sure that you are subscribed and you're able to see and follow along with our community posts because that's when we announce when we edit subscriber essays and for that next round we'll probably be looking at you see essays since those deadlines are coming up pretty soon and or supplemental essays from other schools those are very very different from the Common App essay so I think it would be really beneficial for us all to look at how we do professional reviews and go through some of your work the first Common App essay that we're going to be looking at actually follows a pretty cliche narrative so this is going to be a really special treat because I'm going to explain how to take this kind of ordinary cliche structure but make it more unique and make it stand out using much more sophisticated or specific one-of-a-kind details but make sure you stay and watch until the end because the second essay that we're going to look at is probably the best essay that I've received from all of our subscribers it's already good enough to get the student into Harvard yo Princeton Stanford whatever school they want to get into however that being said there are still some minor tweaks related to the flow or contents that I will suggest in order to really take this essay from already a very very good level maybe a seven or eight out of ten and push it to a 9 or 10 out of 10. by the way guys if you haven't seen Parts one and two definitely be sure to check them out because I'm seeing a lot of the same mistakes and a lot of the essays that you guys have sent us without further Ado let's Jump Right In My Palms glistened with sweat and my heart pounded tears streamed down my siblings faces and I felt my own eyes stained with tears each breath I drew was harder than the last and I struggled to keep it together in front of my three younger siblings the smell of fresh roses taunted me as a situation sank in I thought why her why now now you guys know that I hate the problem I want to see more of the solution there's a lot of cliches in the first three sentences so I would actually cut this out and then I would keep this though because it is important to mention that the student is the oldest of four in fact lots of students write about taking care of younger siblings being in charge of the family and that is definitely something that you want to highlight and then this sentence where it places Us in probably some hospital or funeral it talks about Rose's taunting I think that was actually really cool detail and it also invites some mystery we definitely know that someone is sick or hurt and now we want to read on but definitely get rid of these cliches my mother's diagnosis with breast cancer in my sophomore year of high school was heartbreaking I struggled to concentrate in class we can even get rid of some of these smaller words like this felt unmotivated to do work and failed to ask teachers for help when I needed it the once vibrant Halls of school became a blur as I stumbled through each day my relationships with teachers and classmates faltery two days after the diagnosis I turned in a factoring quiz half blank a reflection of the emotional strain weighing my heart down I really do like this detail where he turns it in half blank this is the level of specificity that we want witnessing my mother's resilience during her chemotherapy sessions reignited a passion for life within me and encouraged me to be more helpful to my siblings and around the house to regain my academic Focus I arrived at school early to bridge my gaps of content as you can see here where I've entered the slashes this is a pretty abrupt transition it also falls into this trap that we call the Eureka problem basically it's when a student says they see this one thing in this case the chemotherapy and all of a sudden their entire world view everything that they do suddenly shifts as you can see this sounds a little bit unbelievable instead it would make a lot more sense to outline and explain how this was a gradual transition and they said that it didn't happen all at once but slowly because they saw their mother's chemotherapy they started making small steps by doing a and b and c and d after her surgery my mother was exhausted and unable to complete her usual workload as the eldest sibling I stepped into the the role of caretaker shouldering the house cleaning and family duties now here we need way more specifics tell us exactly what those family duties were in the next sentence the student is still rather vague to balance school and chores again what are those chores it would also be really powerful to spell out what the routine is so instead of saying each morning I drove my brother to swim practice at 5am I drove my brother to swim practice and ensured my siblings reached the bus then at 5 PM I did the dishes and family laundry even still though these examples don't feel that powerful because we all know there are chores and then there are chores for instance making a pasta dinner four or five nights a week is significantly more impressive than just doing the dishes finally at the end of the night I sat down to tackle my homework again here I think including a Time adds so much more power and it's actually fewer words finally at 9 00 PM I sat down to tackle my homework helping my parents and siblings strengthen my sense of responsibility and encourage me to seek out opportunities of service within and Beyond the household honestly since since we showed this we don't really need to state or tell it at the end of this paragraph so we could potentially remove this sentence altogether moving on as my mother battled cancer I discovered my purpose to help others I realized that life was a gift and I chose to use it to help those around me drawing on my love of swimming I crafted my swim lesson business David's water Wizards watching my mother grapple with her health her ability to take action Stripped Away fueled my determination to teach basic survival skills and potentially save lives watching a student who wouldn't even get in the water a month earlier swim a full length was gratifying and I was struck with a sense of purpose each lesson that I taught helped them yet they did not know I was learning too as they mastered freestyle and Treading Water I realized that ensuring the safety of others is my calling here's what's going well I really like these specifics here as well as talking about how ultimately this is not just about swimming it's about life itself saving lives so that was a really cool connection now that being said I think that there are opportunities to make this more unique by adding a name here really humanize the people that you're helping by including their name their demographic even if you just say a gap tooth six-year-old's name Charlie who wouldn't even get in the water a month earlier those details are really powerful and show that you know and care about the people that you're actually helping I wouldn't say that the story itself is that cliche but there are some really cliche phrases I realize that this is my calling I wonder if we can change the way that's worded it might actually make sense to just include all of the action talk about how you showcase responsibility and selflessness both inside the family outside the family and then move all of these realizations towards the end in the conclusion another killer issue that I see in 90 of common app essays is this repetition I was struck with a sense of purpose I discovered my purpose we really don't need to say it twice while we're not able to review all the Common App essays that you guys sent us I did read all of them and many of them struggled with this issue of repetition moving on initially I helped Others near me but my passion for doing good intensified to make a larger impact back to my community I volunteered at a food shelter packing boxes of food supplies for the Triad area I remember when I was delivering a box to the pickup area and I encountered a mother with two children her face lit up as I handed her the Box heavy with food and she wrapped her arms around me in a bear hug as I walked away I wiped the tears out of my eyes and smiled her warmth and kindness reminded me of my own mother and reinforced why I started helping others in the first place really tender moments we can see the students authenticity here and the connection back to the mom is also a really nice touch that being said I would say that this paragraph is not as powerful as the one before because it's lacking some of those specific details so I do wish it just had those same level of detail as David's water Wizards over here and that's how we're going to make the essay unique to David something only David could have come up with finally we have the conclusion and since so many of you guys really struggle with the conclusion what I've done for this student today is I've Rewritten it in a way that adds a bit more insight let's take a look at their version then compare it to the version that I came up now my mother is in remission yet my motivation to serve swells more than ever as I reflect on my mother's cancer journey I realize it has been a challenging experience but it allowed me to discover my purpose in life to help others not only is this a tad obvious it's also repetitive the student has already mentioned this fact earlier on so you can probably just remove it from the swimming paragraph and just keep it here I thought my mother's diagnosis would be the end of the world but I have a newfound maturity and appreciation for service this has enabled me to extend my Outreach beyond my home through school and into my community I am driven by the desire to continue helping others in and out of the classroom so these two sentences pretty much mean the same thing and again you have already shown this so you don't need to State it we need to make this reflection way more profound and admittedly this is very very challenging for most students so if you guys need help with your essays feel free to visit our website www. elevated.
school edit my essay where both me and or my co-founder as well as another asynchronous editor typically one of our buddies from Yale will help review and provide professional feedback on your draft let's take a look at my version of the conclusion during those hours when we weren't sure if mom was going to make it or not my siblings and I often debated the meaning of life as a kid I used to believe the answer that pop culture often feeds us that our purpose here on Earth is to pursue Joy or happiness but when Mom got sick I no longer thought of myself and instead shifted my focus to serving others today though I see that these philosophies are not mutually exclusive and that the path to a well-lived life is to seek joy in this service so this is a really really cool structure we kind of have I used to think this long long ago then my perspective shifted and then finally most recently I now believe something different so very very powerful successful framework feel free to borrow steal like an artist in your own Reflections or conclusions guys we're gonna pause here for a slight break but when we return we're going to be analyzing and looking at the best Common App essay that I've received from our subscribers something so original that it pretty much worn admission into any school even in its current form foreign folks I hope you enjoyed that little clip don't forget to like And subscribe it really does go a long way and help us fulfill our mission of promoting and sharing this college essay content with students all over the world for free moving on to Common App essay number two personally I really enjoyed this next essay that we're about to look at it had tons of intellectual curiosity as well as personality but maybe I'm a little bit biased so I'm curious to hear what you guys think let me know your thoughts and reactions in the comments section below type V fats plus flower hydration plus the male lard reaction mailard Mallard equals a more delicious World already a really really unique hook and you can already see that we have specifics which you guys know I love and it already hits that note of intellect sexual curiosity in that realm of Material Science experimentation my quest as a baker is far more than just an ordinary culinary Pursuit what is my goal to create the ultimate chocolate chip cookie experience where every bite is a Harmony of flavors and textures and my endgame the happiness of sharing outweighs countless hours spent in the kitchen it might be a tad over dramatic in that realm of Material Science experimentation I might just say in the realm of Food Science and then maybe I might say my goal is twofold one to create the ultimate chocolate chip cookie experience where I'm not 100 convinced where we if we need this clause in the Middle where every bite is a Harmony of flavors and textures it could be a little bit much depends on who you ask and then I would say two even more importantly to share these goodies or to share these flavors with others something along those lines I do think that we want to preserve some of the color flavor text but maybe we don't need all of it this Quest aiming for an Exquisite Symphony of baking always begins with a simple declaration Mom I'm gonna use the kitchen past midnight I do like the specific city of past midnight as well it really conjures an image of this student tinkering away in their kitchen and messing around with all kinds of ingredients at like one in the morning the meticulous nature of my Pursuit is evident from the start armed with a kitchen scale I meticulously measure each ingredient rejecting the idea that mirror cups and teaspoons could adequately capture Precision weighing by the gram is my declaration of war against uncertainty I also painstakingly sift and re-measure dry ingredients driven by lessons learned from previous mistakes I might not say painstakingly but something like carefully might be a little bit better I don't even know if we really need this sentence I might just say arm with the kitchen scale I measure each ingredient next I tackle butter as it's the quintessential cookie ingredient along with chocolate here the mailard reaction begins to come into play through the great butter debate Brown room temperature or cold love this question shows that the student knows what they're talking about when it comes to the realm of baking and that they have looked into all different options and you know clearly a lot of people have strong opinions about butter through heat the organic chemical reaction between amino acids and reducing sugars creates melanoid in compounds that provide color and flavor to Brown Foods nice level of detail as well some people will say you don't need to include so much scientific jargon personally I would rather you guys include too much detail to begin and then tone it back as opposed to keeping it too vague it's a lot easier to get less specific than it is to get more specific next the dance of chocolate takes the stage but with a Twist something that's really cool about this essay is how this student messes around with flow uses kind of these metaphors talks about baking as truly like an art and dance as a music and a dance and uses really fun verbs so whenever you guys are struggling or you see that your writing is a little bit dry try thinking about evolving or upgrading your verbs I combine semi-sweet chips with chunks of a dark tempered chocolate bar embracing the beauty of imperfection by roughly cutting the slab the result is oozing chocolate Pockets where type V fats in the dark chocolate mix with 50 sugar content of the semi-sweet chocolate to create a harmonious blend yeah that I need to take risks always introducing new variables such as the unconventional step of adding a Sprinkle of sea salt to the dough just the sodium enhances our perception of sweetness and soda the salt elevates the cookies reminding me of how rival elements can coexist in holistic engineering design this ending is pretty interesting rival elements and Engineering clearly the student is going to be applying for something more in the stem Fields I think I hope ultimately each result is a testament to the material science engineering principle that small alterations and component properties and treatment can yield vastly different results chewy or fluffy cookies for instance well that's a matter of preference and both varieties rank equally in my cookie repertoire most importantly I approach errors like Scorch cookie bottoms as stepping stones toward an improved result not stumbling blocks so I did like the fact that this student is talking about hey embracing failure but for me it did feel a little bit out of left field it came a bit randomly overall still really nice level of detail this student didn't came in with a plan and said hey I really need to Showcase attention to detail I need to Showcase that I'm okay embracing imperfection I need to Showcase that it's okay to make mistakes now how can I provide tangible evidence and proof of this in my cookie Adventure above all I find the most joy in sharing my baked treats with teachers friends family and even people I've never met before as Mother Teresa or Mother Teresa wisely said it's not how much we give but the love we put into giving for me baking is an expression of Love gratitude and even admiration I would say that saying baking is an expression of Love yeah that's a little cliche but baking is an expression of admiration that's a little bit better so I wonder if we can pursue this thread a little bit further and also I'm not a huge fan of using quotes ultimately the admissions officer is more interested in hearing what you have to say therefore I recommend taking this quote out and just saying for me baking is an expression of admiration the site of delighted faces enjoying my cookies is my greatest reward the driving force feeling my passion to create and share one recipient of my cookie Mana proclaims Iris received a lot of baked goods and this is the best I'd even buy it her words were all I needed to try again a bit differently and a bit better I have on this channel recommended that it could be a good strategy sometimes to have someone else complement your work but in this particular case I don't think that this is the best compliment in fact I would probably just replace this and talk about how this student visits all their different clubs organizations communities that they're a part of and then talk about how they give cookies to these different people and talk about their different reactions so let's say that this student wanted to thank their biology or chemistry teacher who taught them so much about material science or food chemistry and let's say their name is MrJohnson and MrJohnson actually has like a gluten deficiency or is allergic to gluten so this student comes up with their own recipe for chocolate chip cookies that are gluten free just to thank MrJohnson and then MrJohnson compliments him achieving the exceptional requires a willingness to experiment resilience in the face of setbacks and the pleasure of bringing happiness to others I would say this last one of the three doesn't quite fit in I would definitely change that throughout my baking Journey I've learned to Value the process of creating something remarkable even if it entails making errors and treading new uncertain paths making errors and treading new uncertain paths is pretty much the exact same thing as like oh you have to be willing to experiment willing to fail creating something remarkable that's pretty much the same thing as when in the first sentence he says achieving the exceptional be really really careful guys of this regurgitation again this is why analyzing and studying other people's essays is so valuable because these are not one-off issues these are issues that we see in 90 95 percent of the essays that you guys send us my goal is to bring that joy in learning and experimenting while turning the ordinary into the extraordinary now that's a really cool Insight that's a cool claim to my continuing studies in materials science engineering I don't know if you really need to mention Material Science like three four times in the essay just once or twice is enough as I've blooded Science and Arts navigated Challenge and experience the Elation of sharing also a little bit repetitive but I did like how this student clearly articulates the blend of science and art I'd come to under understand that every experience molds me into a lifelong student of Life himself humbled by obstacles and enriched by the lessons they teach I'm not a huge fan of this last sentence for me it's one of the weaker phrases in the whole conclusion and I would really focus more on the resilience experimentation you can get rid of this part over here but I think that the conclusion might be 10 or 20 better if it was just 10 or 20 percent shorter thus my journey toward inventing Materials Science cookie Nirvana continues not just in the kitchen but also in every Endeavor I pursue I'm not sure how I feel about this last line something that was a little disappointing is that the essay started off really really strong and then we started to see how it kind of fizzled out towards the end but again with all that being said it is still an incredibly strong essay that I would say demands admission as a final treat I'm gonna pull up our elevates Ed essay rubric and then we can go through and try to determine what the score for the first Common essay we looked at should be as well as the score for the second common an app essay now the first essay we took a look at today about dealing with a family member who has cancer stepping up when it comes to chores and responsibilities showcasing selflessness in different dimensions I would say that it did have personality it was well written and it definitely did Garner an emotional reaction from the reader probably my rating would be around a 6. 75 and for reference we've definitely had students get into Harvard Yale Princeton top ivy league schools top 20 schools with just over a six so if you don't need a 10 out of 10 in order to get in I rated my own essay around in eight and Jeff's I would say is about you know closer to a nine the chocolate chip Nirvana baking essay that we just looked at would be a solid eight it definitely did have some mistakes but I would feel comfortable submitting it as my own looking back on my own Common App essay after all these years I'm noticing that I didn't really mention intellectual curiosity and my problem solution ratio was not that great either now when it comes to emotion I would say that it's not like the baking essay made us you know cry rivers of tears but it definitely captured that student's excite treatment and joy and authentic voice so I would say yes it does fulfill that criteria and it was emotional in that sense a lot of you guys are eager to have your essays edited so if you want a professional review again please don't hesitate to visit www. levate10.
