you did what the zorgon Commander's tentacles wried in agitation as he stared at his subordinate in disbelief we uh kidnapped a human female sir for ransom the underling chirped nervously oh brilliant absolutely brilliant because clearly the one thing our species needed right now was to piss off the most terrifying bipeds in the known universe the commander oozed sarcastically please enlighten me whose brilliant idea was this the subordinate's eye stalk drooped well sir we thought no you didn't think that much is painfully obvious the commander interrupted do you have any idea whose daughter you grabbed um
some influential human Diplomat the Commander's gelatinous form quivered with suppressed rage oh if only no you imbeciles managed to kidnap the only offspring of admiral bloodbath Johnson the human responsible for single-handedly wiping out the entire kayx Armada during the Battle of Riel 4 a horrified silence fell over the bridge of the zorgon ship even the typically oblivious navigation drones seem to grasp the gravity of the situation but but humans are so squishy and fragile one brave soul ventured surely we can handle one angry primate the Commander's laugh was a harsh burbling sound Oh My Sweet
Summer larvae you clearly haven't been paying attention to Galactic news for the past oh I don't know Century he slithered over to the main view screen and pulled up an image of a grizzled human male numerous scars crisscrossed the weathered face and cybernetic implants glinted at his temples this my woefully ignorant crew is Admiral Johnson the humans called him the xenos Slayer the hive mind Collective refers to him as the great exterminator to the silicon-based life forms of the Andromeda galaxy he's known simply as oh run the Commander's voice took on a mockingly cheery tone
and thanks to your absolute genius move this lovely gentleman is about to come knocking on our door with extreme prejudice as if On Queue the ship's sensors blared to life a single human vessel had just dropped out of hyperspace directly in their flight path well the commander sighed I suppose we should prepare to die horribly any Last Words the subordinate raised a tentative appendage I don't suppose saying sorry would help before anyone could respond the Cals crackled to life a grally human voice filled the bridge this is Admiral Johnson you have my daughter I'm here
here to collect resistance is inadvisable the zorgon crew exchanged panicked glances their Commander just burbled resignedly well folks it's been a displeasure serving with you all if anyone needs me I'll be in the Escape pod futilely trying to outrun the inevitable as the sounds of Hull breaches and plasma fire filled the air the commander couldn't help but add one final thought next time maybe we stick to kidnapping something less dangerous like antimatter or rabid aruan Mega Badgers the last thing the zorgon crew saw before their ship erupted into a dazzling Fireball was a middle-aged human
woman calmly sipping tea in the cockpit of her father's warship she gave them a cheerful wave goodbye and so ended yet another ill-fated attempt to mess with Humanity the Galaxy as always was left to wonder when would they learn because let's face it the universe is full of creatures who never seem to grasp that humans are the wrong species to trifle with news of the zoran's spectacular failure spread across the Galaxy faster than a rellian stomach virus at an all you can eat buffet in dingy space bars and glittering alien metropolises alike the tale was
shared with a mixture of awe horror and that special brand of shod and freuder reserved served for witnessing epic stupidity meanwhile aboard the human warship don't tread on me because subtlety was never Humanity strong suit Admiral Johnson was having a heart to heart with his daughter sweetheart he began his Gruff voice softening slightly we've talked about this you can't keep letting yourself get kidnapped just because you're bored Sarah Johnson aged 25 and possessing a PhD in xenobiology with a minor in advanced ass kicking rolled her eyes dad come on it's not like I planned it
this time besides did you see their faces when they realized who I was priceless the Admiral pinched the bridge of his nose a gesture that had become all too familiar since Sarah hit her rebellious teen years that's not the point do you have any idea how much paperwork I have to fill out every time I need to obliterate a alien vessel h fine Sarah conceded next time I'll just incapacitate them myself and call for a pickup happy ecstatic her father dead panned now what do you say we swing by that nebula you wanted to study
I hear the glean Cloud whales are migrating as father and daughter plotted their next adventure the rest of the Galaxy was left to ponder the implications of this latest human induced calamity on the planet ziron 9 the grand Council of Elders convened an emergency session esteemed colleagues the high pontiff in toned his crystallin form glittering anxiously we must address the human question they are becoming problematic A Chorus of agreement rang out the sound like Windchimes in a hurricane perhaps one Elder suggested we could petition the Galactic Federation to impose sanctions on them the high pontiff's
laughter was a tinkling Cascade of Despair oh you sweet naive gemstone the last time someone tried to sanction Humanity they responded by accidentally inventing a new form of faster than light travel while drunk on a dare well what if we tried to isolate them another voice chimed in cut off their trade routes brilliant idea the pontiff exclaimed I'm sure the species that went from horsedrawn carriages to Interstellar travel in less than 500 years will have no problem overcoming a few measly trade barriers why they might even thank us for the challenge as the council descended
into panicked bickering a small voice piped up from the back of the chamber all eyes or sensory organs approximating eyes turned to face the youngest member of the assembly what if the Young zonian began hesitantly what if we just tried being nice to them a shocked silence fell over the room broken only by the sound of the high pontiff's crystalline structure cracking slightly from stress nice he repeated incredulously to humans the young one nodded enthusiastically yes think about it every time someone has tried to conquer contain or outsmart them it's ended in disaster but has
anyone ever just invited them over for tea as the absurdity of the suggestion sank in something remarkable happened the Council of Elders began to consider it seriously it's so crazy One Elder mused it just might work and so while Admiral Johnson and his daughter explored the wonders of the cosmos leaving a trail of well-intentioned Destruction in their wake the Galaxy began to contemplate a revolutionary new approach to relations little did they know this seemingly innocuous decision would set in motion a chain of events that would forever change the face of Intergalactic diplomacy but that dear
readers is a story for another time because in a universe where humans exist there's always another punchline just waiting to happen as it turned out the young zeronian suggestion wasn't just crazy it was crazy like a fox a fox with a PhD and inter species relations and a minor in not getting obliterated by trigger happy humans the first official human appreciation day was held on the neutral planet of Nexus Prime representatives from across the Galaxy gathered nervously clutching gift baskets and practicing their please don't blow us up Smiles Admiral Johnson and Sarah arrived fashionably late
their ship leaving a trail of colorful explosions in its wake sorry about that the Admiral grunted as they disembarked old habits die hard the assembled aliens watched in Fascination as the two humans surveyed the welcoming committee Sarah leaned over to her father Whispering did you ever think you'd see the day when the bloggin brought a fruit basket instead of a doomsday device times change sweetheart Johnson replied eyeing the refreshment table suspiciously though I'm keeping my hand on my blaster just in case that punch bowl is actually a disguised quantum singularity as the festivities kicked off
it became clear that the aliens had done their homework the buffet featured Delicacies from every human culture albeit with some creative interpretations the andromedan attempt at Sushi involved still wriggling tentacles while the Von's idea of a hamburger could best be described as eldrich but it was the entertainment that really stole the show the harmonious Hive of beetle juu four had prepared a special musical number titled ODed to the weird pink monkeys who somehow run everything it was a bit pitchy and the lyrics were questionable at best but points were given for effort halfway through the
gala Sarah nudged her father dad is it just me or are they actually trying to butter us up the Admiral's cybernetic eye word as he scanned the room seems that way got to admit it's a nice change of pace from the usual kill all hum routine as the night wore on something remarkable happened barriers began to break down the zeronian it turned out made excellent Drinking Buddies the bloggin once you got past their terrifying appearance and tendency to secrete acid when nervous had a wicked sense of humor even the notoriously standoffish quorans were seen engaged
in a spirited game of Charades with a group of human diplomats by the end of the evening Admiral Johnson found himself in a deep discussion with the high pontiff of zurin 9 you know the Admiral mused nursing a glass of something that was either very good whiskey or mildly hallucinogenic engine coolant this wasn't half bad maybe we should do this more often the high pontiff's crystallin structure vibrated with relief we would be most pleased Admiral perhaps next time we could visit Earth Johnson chuckled sure why not fair warning though our gravity might be a bit
much for you wouldn't want you shattering on impact as the Galla wound down and the various species began to depart a sense of cautious optimism filled the air maybe just maybe this was the beginning of a new era of peace and understand standing of course this being a universe with humans in it that optimism lasted approximately 37 standard galactic hours that's when news broke of an incident involving a human tourist three arcturian Mega Badgers and the sacred Temple of Eternal Serenity on Omron Percy 8 but hey baby steps right as Admiral Johnson and Sarah prepared
to depart the young zeronian who had suggested the whole being nice idea approached them timidly excuse me humans it chimed nervously but I was wondering could I perhaps in turn on your ship to learn more about your species Sarah grinned already Imagining the chaos that would ensue Dad can we keep him please the Admiral sighed knowing he was fighting a losing battle fine but you're responsible for feeding him and cleaning up any silicon-based messes and so as the don't tread on me blasted off into the cosmic Sunset the Galaxy held its breath would this new
era of human alien relations lead to peace and prosperity or would it just result in more spectacular explosions and hilariously misguided alien attempts to understand Humanity only time would tell but one thing was certain it was going to be one hell of a ride the universe isn't nearly ready for the full force of human Shenanigans just yet The Adventures of Admiral Johnson Sarah and their new zeronian intern affectionately dubbed Sparkles by Sarah quickly became the stuff of Galactic Legend it turned out that having a walking talking gemstone aboard a human warship led to some interesting
situations take for instance the great pirate Fiasco of sector 7g when a band of notoriously ruthless space pirates attempted to board the don't tread on me they were met with an unexpected sight Sparkles Panic shedding razor sharp crystal shards in all directions while screeching what he claimed was an ancient zeronian war cry but sounded suspiciously like oh my God oh my God we're all going to die the Pirates thoroughly confused and mildly lacerated beat a hasty retreat they later reported to their bewildered captain that the humans had weaponized some kind of screaming disco ball meanwhile
Sparkles was having his own adventures in human acclimatization he quickly learned that not everything on a human ship was edible despite its crystallin appearance the incident with the dilithium crystals in the engine room led to a new shipwide rule if it glows it's a nogo but it wasn't all chaos and misunderstandings Sparkles proved to be an eager student of human culture albeit with some pred L hilarious misinterpretations I believe I have mastered the art of human humor he announced proudly one day observe why did the carbon based life form cross the void between stars to
get to the other spiral arm Sarah patted him gently careful not to chip his edges that's that's great Sparkles we'll work on it as news of the unlikely crew exploits spread other species began to see humans in a new light yes they were still terrifying unpredictable and prone to solving problems by blowing them up but they were also kind of fun alien tourism to Earth skyrocketed the sight of andromedans trying to surf in California or quorans attempting to understand the concept of fast food in New York became commonplace there were of course some hiccups the
incident at Disney World where a group of overly excited blogin accidentally dissolved Space Mountain was quickly swept under the rug the imagineers simply rebranded it as a new 4D Acid Trip experience and charged double back on the don't tread on me Admiral Johnson found himself in the unfamiliar position of Galactic Peacekeeper it turned out that having a reputation as the most terrifying human in the universe came in handy when mediating Interstellar disputes now listen here he growled at the Waring factions of the Crab Nebula either you two work out your differences or I'll introduce you
both to a little Earth delicacy called seafood boil got it needless to say peace was achieved in record time but not everyone was thrilled with the new era of human alien cooperation in the darkest corners of the Galaxy Whispers began to circulate plots were hatched alliances were formed for you see dear readers there were still those who viewed Humanity as a threat those who remembered the old days when humans were just another primitive species barely able to reach their own Moon and they were determined to put Humanity back in its place little did they know
they were about to learn the hard way why Humanity e wasn't just a catchy slogan it was a warning as Admiral Johnson's ship zoomed through the cosmos leaving a trail of bemused aliens and slightly singed star systems in its wake the stage was set for the greatest Showdown the Galaxy had ever seen but that my friends is a tale for another time for now let's leave our Intrepid Heroes as they are Sarah teaching Sparkles the finer points of video games the Admiral grudgingly admitting that having an alien intern wasn't the worst idea ever and Humanity
continuing to baffle and Amaze the Galaxy in equal measure after all in a universe this vast and weird sometimes the best thing to do is sit back grab a Pang Galactic Gargle Blaster and enjoy the show because in space everyone can hear you laugh especially if you're a human the day the Galaxy decided to put Humanity back in its place began like any other aboard thee don't tread on me Sarah was attempting to teach Sparkles the finer point points of making pancakes with limited success while Admiral Johnson nursed his morning coffee and reviewed the latest
intelligence reports huh he grunted his cybernetic eye worring as it scanned the data that's odd Sarah looked up from the smoking remains of what might have once been a pancake what's up dad seems like there's been a lot of chatter lately coded Transmissions secret meetings that sort of thing and it all seems to revolve around around us sparkles covered in flower and looking rather pleased with himself chimed in perhaps they are planning a surprise party I have been studying human customs and I believe this is a common practice the Admiral's laugh was as dry as
the Martian deserts yeah kid I'm sure that's it a surprise party with ion cannons before the conversation could continue the ship's AI affectionately named C kinetic action response emulator Network chimed in with her usual impeccable timing and questionable tact excuse me meatbags and Shiny Rock but we've got incoming and by incoming I mean a fleet large enough to blot out a small son should I prepare the we come in peace message or just skip straight to the you're about to have a very bad day protocols the bridge erupted into action Sarah and sparkles scrambled to
their stations while the Admiral calmly finished his coffee Karen give me a rundown of what we're dealing with he ordered settling into the captain's chair well let's see the AI replied her tone dripping with artificial sarcasm we've got ships from every major power that's ever had a beef with Humanity the zorgon are back apparently they're slow Learners the kacs have brought what's left of their Armada oh and it looks like the quorans finally grew a spine and decided to join the party shall I continue or would you like to start writing your will now the
Admiral's grin was positively feral oh this is going to be fun Sarah warm up the Diplomatic solution cannons Sparkles I need you on calms your panicked screeching might come in handy Karen plot an escape Vector but don't use it unless I say so as the enemy Fleet approached a transmission crackled through the comms a grally voice belonging to some unseen alien Commander filled the bridge humans your time of Galactic dominance is at an end surrender now and we may show Mercy resist and the transmission cut off abruptly as sparkles in his excitement to be useful
accidentally sat on the calms panel the resulting feedback loop caused several alien ships to ve off course colliding with each other in a spectacular display of unintentional fireworks oops Sparkles chimed sheepishly my bad the Admiral's laughter echoed through the ship kid that might just be the best tactical maneuver I've seen all Year Karen patch me through to the fleet as the comms crackled to life Admiral Johnson cleared his throat and addressed the assembled might of the anti-human alliance attention alien Fleet this is Admiral bloodbath Johnson of Earth I see you've all gotten together to throw
us a surprise party I'm touched really but let me make one thing clear he paused for dramatic effect a skill he'd honed over years of dealing with extraterrestrial diplomacy if you want to take on Humanity you'd better bring more than this pathetic excuse for a fleet we faced worse odds before breakfast so here's the deal turn around now go home and we'll pretend this little incident never happened or stay and find out why they call me bloodbath your choice a tense silence fell over the comms then slowly at first but with increasing speed ships began
to peel away from the enemy Fleet apparently the reputation of humanity and Admiral Johnson in particular was enough to make even the most ardent anti- human reconsider their life choices as the last of the alien ships jumped to hyperspace Sarah turned to her father with a mix of awe and exasperation did you seriously just Bluff an entire Armada into retreating the Admiral Shrugged it's not bluffing if you're fully prepared to back it up kiddo Sparkles still covered in pancake batter and looking thoroughly confused piped up does this mean the surprise party is cancelled Sarah couldn't
help but laugh oh Sparkles never change as the don't tread on me resumed its course the Galaxy was left to ponder yet another lesson when it comes to humanity sometimes the legend is more than enough because in a universe this vast there's always another misguided alien Fleet just waiting to learn why you don't mess with Earth in the aftermath of what would come to be known as the great non Battle of Sector 9 the Galaxy found itself in a state of bewildered awe Humanity had faced down the combined might of multiple alien civilizations and emerged
Victorious without firing a single shot well except for that one accidental discharge when Sparkles tripped and fell onto the weapons console but everyone agreed that didn't count news of the event spread faster than a rellian flu at an interspecies Rave across the cosmos reactions varied Wild ly on zorgon Prime The High Council was busy drafting a formal apology complete with a fruit basket large enough to have its own gravitational pull the KX ever the pragmatists immediately began marketing I survived an encounter with Admiral bloodbath T-shirts they sold out within hours meanwhile in the seedier bars
of the Galaxy a new drinking game emerged take a shot every time someone mentioned a human doing something impossible L badass hospitals reported a sharp increase in alcohol poisoning cases back aboard the don't tread on me life continued with its usual blend of chaos and camaraderie Sarah had finally managed to teach Sparkles how to make a decent pancake though the ship's fire suppression system remained on high alert just in case Admiral Johnson for his part was dealing with an unexpected side effect of his latest display of intergalactic badassery fan mail Karen he grumbled staring at
the overflowing inbox on his data pad what the hell is all this the ai's voice was Dripping with artificial Amusement it appears oh great and terrible one that you've become something of a celebrity who knew that telling an entire Armada to go home and rethink their life choices would be so popular fantastic the Admiral muttered just what I needed more paperwork Sarah peaked over her father's shoulder grinning widely oh come on dad it's not all bad look the andromedans want to name a nebula after you wonderful because nothing says peaceloving species like having an Interstellar
gas cloud bear your name Sparkles ever eager to be helpful chimed in I could assist with the correspondence Admiral I have been studying human communication patterns for example dear admiring fan thank you for your kind words may your enemies be crushed beneath your appendages and their remains scattered across the void how was that there was a moment of stunned silence before Sarah burst into laughter maybe we'll work on your phrasing a bit more Sparkles as the crew settled into their new reality as reluctant Galactic celebrities a transmission came through from Earth High command ad Admiral
Johnson's face grew serious as he listened his cybernetic eye worring rapidly well folks he announced after the call ended looks like our little Adventure has caught the attention of The Big Brass back home they want us to embark on a diplomatic Mission Sarah's eyebrows shot up us diplomatic are they sure they call the right ship apparently Johnson sigh our unique brand of diplomacy is exactly what they're looking for we're to tour the Galaxy showing the flag and reminding everyone why it's a good idea to stay on Humanity's good side Karen's voice crackled over the intercom
oh joy a road trip with the Galaxy's most dysfunctional family shall I start compiling a playlist of songs guaranteed to annoy every known species or would you prefer to travel in blessed silence as the don't tread on me prepared for its Grand Tour the rest of the Galaxy held its breath would this be the beginning of a new era of understanding and cooperation or would it end with half the known universe in Flames only time would tell but one thing was certain it was going to be one hell of a ride Sparkles ever The Optimist
summed it up best I have a feeling this journey will be most educational perhaps we will make many new friends Sarah patted him gently sure Sparkles and maybe we'll go an entire week without accidentally starting an interplanetary incident Admiral Johnson just grunted and reached for the bottle of arcturian whiskey he kept for emergencies something told him he was going to need it the don't tread on me embarked on its Galactic Goodwill tour with all the grace and subtlety of a bull in a china shop if the bull was wearing rocket boots and the China a
shop was filled with highly sensitive alien dignitaries their first stop the crystallin world of zircon 9 home of their intern Sparkles as the ship entered orbit Admiral Johnson turned to his eager young crew member all right Sparkles this is your home turf any cultural tips we should know about Sparkles vibrated with excitement scattering tiny Prismatic rainbows across the bridge oh yes it is customary to greet the high pontiff by gently tapping your forehead against theirs it's a sign of respect Sarah raised an eyebrow uh Sparkles you do remember that we're not made of crystal right
won't that you know hurt but it was too late the Admiral ever the one to dive head first into alien Customs sometimes literally had already made his way to the planet's surface and was face to face with the high pontiff what followed was a resounding clonk that echoed across the crystal spires of the capital city followed by a string of very undiplomatic human curses Karen's voice crackled over the calms dripping with sarcasm congratulations meatbags we've been on planet for exactly 2.7 minutes and you've already assaulted their head of state a new record surprisingly the zeronian
found the whole incident hilarious turns out watching a human try to headbutt a being made of living Crystal was the height of comedy on their world by the end of the day pulling a Johnson had become slang for any well-intentioned but hilariously misguided attempt at cultural exchange the tour continued each stop bringing its own unique brand of chaos on the gas giant nebulose Sarah accidentally proposed marriage to the Crown Prince by accepting a bouquet of sentient plasma clouds the result resulting diplomatic incident was only resolved when sparkles in a panic ate the bouquet turns out
zeronian can digest plasma who knew during their visit to the hive mind Collective of buzon beta Admiral Johnson's dead pan sense of humor accidentally convinced half the population that humans reproduced by mitosis it took weeks to correct the misunderstanding during which time the buzon kept trying to split the human visitors in half to make more friends but it was their stopover on quor that really took the cake in an attempt to show off human culture Sarah had organized a movie night featuring classic Earth films unfortunately the quoran translator malfunctioned halfway through Jaws leading the Aquatic
species to believe it was a documentary about Earth's oceans the resulting Panic nearly caused a planet-wide Exodus until Admiral Johnson in a stroke of either genius or Madness challenged the quoran champion to a shark wrestling contest to prove Earth's oceans were safe the fact that there were no actual sharks on qual thoria and that the contest mostly involved the Admiral flailing around in a shallow pool while making growling noises somehow only added to Humanity's Mystique as they left quor their ship now adorned with a ceremonial shark tamer pennant Sarah turned to her father you know
Dad I think we might be the worst diplomats in the history of the Galaxy the Admiral grinned adjusting the ridiculous apex predator headdress the quorans had gifted him maybe kiddo but we're definitely the most entertaining Sparkles who had been unusually quiet suddenly perked up I believe I understand now human diplomacy is not about avoiding mistakes but about turning those mistakes into advantages truly your species is wise Beyond Comprehension Karen's synthesized she filled the bridge or we're just really good at faking it till we make it next stop on our Intergalactic disaster tour the methane swamps
of Gorgon 5 try not to start any chemical Wars this time okay as the don't tread on me warped towards its next adventure the Galaxy watched in a mixture of Terror and Fascination Humanity's diplomatic tour was rewriting the book on inters species relations one hilarious misunderstanding at a time and somewhere in the vast Cosmic expanse the universe itself seemed to be laughing along to be continued because in a Galaxy where humans are involved the punchline is always just one accidental Invasion away
