you want us to do what now Admiral zix stared at the holographic projection with all four of his eyes mandibles twitching in what his subordinates recognized as barely contained exasperation conquer Earth sir repeated Lieutenant cran trying to maintain his professional composure despite the awkwardness of the situation the High Council believes it's a routine acquisition they've designated it as a class 3 civilization pre-ftl and did anyone bother to actually study these humans before making This brilliant decision well kvon shuffled his data pad nervously the initial survey was conducted about 300 local solar Cycles ago the species
was still using primitive combustion vehicles and had just begun basic orbital operations zix clicked his mandibles together and what passed for a sigh in his species and no one thought to do a follow-up survey before sending an invasion Fleet the High Council felt it would be unnecessary sir they're quite confident in their assessment of of course they are the Admiral turned to gaze out the viewport of his command ship the eternal glory at the impressive Fleet assembled for this routine acquisition 50 warships each capable of reducing a continent to Ash waited inform formation it was
supposed to be overkill for a pre-ftl civilization he had a bad feeling about this 24 hours later zix's bad feeling proved prophetic as he watched the humans response to their arrival unfold the fleet had dropped out of FTL at the edge of the solar system expecting to encounter minimal resistance as they approached Earth instead they found themselves facing something far more concerning sir cronk's voice had taken on a distinctly higher pitch we're detecting thousands of artificial satellites and orbital platforms many appear to be defensive in nature how advanced very sir some of the energy readings
are concerning before zixa could respond a transmission cut across all their communication channels the holographic display showed a human female in what appeared to be a military uniform this is Admiral Rodriguez of the Earth Defense Force you have entered restricted space without authorization please identify yourselves and state your intentions immediately zix felt his thorax constrict his um this was not going according to plan still protocol demanded he respond this is Admiral zix of the galactic hegemony we are here to negotiate your planet's integration into our Empire there was a pause and then something unexpected happened
the human Admiral laughed not a nervous laugh or an incredulous one but the kind of laugh someone gives when they've just heard a particularly good joke oh you're serious Rodriguez wiped a tear from her eye that's adorable let me guess you got your Intel about Earth from an old survey right probably saw us when we were still figuring out how to get to our own Moon I yes zix admitted feeling increasingly uncomfortable thought so well Admiral let me update you on a few few things first we cracked FTL travel about 50 years ago but we
kept it quiet because we were curious to see how long it would take the rest of the Galaxy to notice second those energy readings your sensors are picking up those are just our civilian power stations we haven't even powered up the defensive grid yet cvan leaned close to zix and whispered sir she's telling the truth I'm detecting massive power signatures activating all across their system their technology it's far beyond our current assessment Rodriguez continued her tone shifting from amused to businesslike now we could demonstrate exactly how outmatched your Fleet is but I'd rather avoid unnecessary
violence how about instead we invite you down for coffee we can discuss updating your records about Earth and maybe talk about a mutually beneficial Trade Agreement instead of this whole Conquest thing zix felt a headache coming on the High Council was going to be furious but as he looked at the sensor readings showing just how badly they'd underestimated ated Humanity he realized he had little Choice coffee would be acceptable he managed excellent and don't worry too much about the High Council we've already sent them a strongly worded message about the importance of current intelligence gathering
I believe they're currently having what humans call an oh moment the meeting took place in a space station that zix had to admit made their most advanced facilities look primitive by comparison as he sipped the bitter human beverage called coffee which was surprisingly pal able once you got past the initial shock he listened with growing amazement as Rodriguez explained just how thoroughly they'd misread the situation you see she said gesturing with her own cup humans have this peculiar trait we tend to advance very quickly when we put our minds to it that survey you did
it caught us just before what we call the Great Leap the Great Leap mhm turned out all we needed was the right motivation when we detected your first Scout ships three centuries ago yes we saw them it lit a fire under us nothing unites humans quite like the knowledge that we're not alone and that some of those others might not have our best interests at heart cron who had been quietly taking notes looked up but our stealth technology was impressive for its time Rodriguez finished but like I said we advance quickly especially when we're motivated
by a combination of curiosity and Mild paranoia zix set down his cup so all this time while we thought we were observing A Primitive species you were actually watching a civilization that was rapidly overtaking you technologically yes we've been keeping tabs on the Hedge mini for centuries your Invasion Fleet we could have destroyed it a dozen times over before you even realized we'd spotted you but we prefer to make friends rather than enemies when possible and the High Council Rodriguez grinned is currently dealing with similar conversations across about 30 different sectors turns out quite a
few species they classify as primitive were just better at hiding their capabilities than we were we've been in contact with most of them for decades in fact we're hosting the first meeting of the alternative space Alliance next month you should come it's going to be quite the eyeopener for the hemony zix found himself laughing a sound that startled his Lieutenant the High Council sent us to conquer Earth and instead we're discovering that Earth has essentially conquered the Galaxy without anyone noticing oh not conquered Rodriguez corrected we've just been networking making friends sharing information you know
the kind of things civilized species do instead of launching Invasion fleets and now now now you have a choice you can return to the hegemony and report your failure possibly face consequences for not carrying out your mission or she pulled out a data pad and slid it across the table you could apply for membership in the alliance we're always looking for experienced administrators who can recognize when they're wrong and adapt accordingly zix picked up the data pad studying the application form the High Council won't like this the High Council is currently discovering that they have
far less power than they thought they did funny thing about trying to maintain an Empire through fear and intimidation it stops working the moment people realize they don't actually need to be afraid anymore one year later zal stood on the observation deck of the newly renamed Eternal friendship watching Earth Earth's sunset from orbit the changes in the past year had been staggering the hegemony had collapsed not with a bang but with a whimper as more and more species revealed their true technological capabilities and joined the alliance still enjoying the view Rodriguez appeared beside him holding
two cups of coffee it never gets old he admitted excepting one of the cups though I'm still getting used to how quickly Everything Changes here did you know they've updated the stations design three times since we first met that's humans for you we're never satisfied with good enough speaking of which how's the cultural Exchange program going zix chittered in Amusement half my crew is now obsessed with something called reality TV shows and the other half has developed an addiction to something called social media I'm not sure whether to thank you or blame you just wait
until they discover cat videos too late cron has already started a breeding program he claims Earth felines are strategically important for morale Rodriguez laughed you know when I was first appointed to handle first Contact scenarios I never imagined I'd end up explaining cat videos to alien species but here we are here we are indeed zigal raised his cup in a gesture he'd learned from humans to underestimating Humanity the best mistake the hemony ever made and to new friendships Rodriguez added much better than conquests wouldn't you say as they watched another Sunset over Earth zix couldn't
help but reflect on how differently things could have gone the hegemony had sent them to conquer a primitive world but instead they'd found something far more valuable a civilization that had mastered not just technology but the art of turning potential enemies into allies and somehow that seemed like a much more impressive achievement than any Conquest could have been in the years that followed the story of the failed invasion of Earth became something of a galaxy-wide joke it was often shared at diplomatic functions as a reminder of the importance of updated intelligence and the dangers of
underestimating others but more than that it became a story about how the most powerful weapons aren't always the ones that can destroy worlds but rather the ones that can build Bridges between them as for the High Council well they eventually found new roles as cultural exchange coordinators in the alliance turns out their experience in dealing with different species came in handy when the goal was cooperation rather than Conquest though they never quite lived down the embarrassment of having their entire Empire undermined by a species they dismissed as primitive and Earth Earth just kept doing what
it had always done advancing innovating and making friends across the Galaxy though they did maintain an impressive defense Fleet just in case anyone else got any ideas about Invasion not that anyone would be quite that foolish again after all as the saying went in diplomatic circles never try to conquer a species that's mastered both thermonuclear fusion and Cat videos they're clearly more advanced than you are you're telling me they did what Admiral Rodriguez nearly choked on her coffee as she reviewed the latest latest intelligence report zix's mandibles twitched in what humans had learned to recognize
as a suppressed smile the Proxima hegemony attempted to send their own Invasion Fleet they apparently didn't believe our reports about Earth's technological capabilities but that's that's Rodriguez struggled to find the right words that's like trying to rob a police station with a water pistol I believe they thought our reports were as you humans say fake news cran added having thoroughly embraced human idioms over the past year they convinced themselves that we had been what's the term ah yes Bamboozled by human propaganda Rodriguez sat down her coffee cup and pulled up the holographic display the Tactical
readout showed the Proxima fleet's approach vector or rather what had been their approach Vector before they encountered Earth's outer defense grid did they at least make it past Jupiter no zigel replied unable to completely hide his Amusement they triggered the automated warning system near Saturn when they ignored it and pressed forward the defense platforms activated their containment Fields please tell me someone recorded this multiple angles full sensor data and at the request of your entertainment division commentary from several professional sports announcers Rodriguez burst out laughing of course they did sometimes I think the entertainment division
is more effective at deterring invasions than the actual Defense Force the footage went viral across the galactic information networks within hours the Proxima Fleet nearly twice the size of zix tall's original Invasion Force had approached Earth's solar system with all the subtlety of a drunk elephant in a china shop they' ignored the warning beacons dismissed the automated messages and plowed straight into what could only be described as the most embarrassing defeat in recent Galactic history the defense platforms hadn't even needed to fire a shot they'd simply activated their containment Fields technology that the Proxima hegemony
had dismissed as impossible and trapped the entire Fleet in a massive bubble of altered SpaceTime the ships hung there unable to move or Escape while Earth authorities decided what to do with them the sports commentators had had a field day and there they go folks the Proxima Fleet charging in with all the strategic planning of a caffeinated squirrel oh that's got to hurt Bob they've just triggered the containment field they're about as mobile now as a chocolate teapot in a sauna you know Jim in all my years of commenting on failed invasions I've never seen
one quite this spectacular the sheer confidence the absolute certainty the complete lack of basic reconnaissance it's almost beautiful in its way Bob like watching someone try to headbutt their way through a force field which coincidentally is exactly what the Proxima Admiral just tried to do in the aftermath Earth's diplomatic core found themselves dealing with an unprecedented situation the Proxima hegemony rather than being chastened by their failure had filed fed a formal complaint alleging that Earth had unsportsmanlike conduct in not allowing them a fair chance at Invasion the resulting conference call was one for the history
books let me get this straight Rodriguez said pinching the bridge of her nose you're upset because we didn't give you the opportunity to properly invade us the Proxima High Commander a being that resembled a cross between a peacock and a lobster puffed up indignantly it is traditional to allow the invading Force to at least reach weapons range before defending oneself your a automated defenses are are unsporting unsporting Rodriguez repeated flatly we're unsporting because we didn't let you shoot at us first exactly finally you understand zix who was sitting in on the call as an advisor
couldn't contain himself any longer hi Commander with all due respect and I say this as someone who once made the same mistake have you considered that perhaps the problem isn't Earth's defenses but rather your assumption that you had the right to invade them in the first place but but we're an Empire invading less Advanced civilizations is what we do and how's that working out for you Rodriguez asked with a raised eyebrow because from where I'm sitting your entire fleet is currently trapped in a containment field being used as an impromptu art installation I believe the
current exhibition is titled Hubris in space a study in poor Life Choices the situation took an unexpected turn when Earth's artistic community got involved the contained Fleet hanging Motionless In Space near Saturn's rings had caught the attention of several prominent space artists before long the containment field had been enhanced with various lighting effects and the trapped ships had become part of an interactive art exhibition tourists from across the Galaxy came to view the Folly of Empire a mixed media installation that used the Proxima Fleet as its centerpiece the ships were illuminated in shifting patterns their
immobile forms serving as a canvas for projected images is depicting the history of failed imperialism across the Galaxy the gift shop did particularly well we have to do something about this the Proxima High Commander insisted during the third emergency conference our Mighty warships are being used as as tourist attractions they're very popular Rodriguez noted the gift shop can barely keep up with demand for the I tried to invade Earth and all I got was this lousy t-shirt merchandise this is an outrage a mockery no Z St interrupted his voice firm this is diplomacy Earth style
they could have destroyed your Fleet instead they turned your act of aggression into an object lesson about peace and somehow managed to make it profitable at the same time but what about our reputation Rodriguez leaned forward your reputation was shot the moment you tried to invade a civilization without doing basic reconnaissance but we're willing to offer you a way out what kind of way out the same deal we offered the galactic hegemony join the alliance share knowledge instead of conquering trade instead of invade and maybe just maybe we'll consider turning off the containment field and
if we refuse then your ships become a permanent part of the solar systems art collection we're already planning the next exhibition mistakes were made a journey through poor decisionmaking in space in the end the Proxima hegemony did what all sensible civilizations event did when faced with Earth's particular brand of diplomatic humor they joined the alliance their ships were released their Crews were treated to a comprehensive cultural Exchange program which mainly consisted of being introduced to Earth entertainment and slowly but surely they began to understand why Invasion had been such a poor choice the art installation
was maintained though with holographic ships rather than actual trapped vessels it became a popular spot for diplomatic meetings nothing quite set the tone for peaceful negoti ations like a reminder of what happened to those who chose conflict over cooperation and Earth Earth just added another chapter to its growing collection of how not to invade US stories which had become required reading and diplomatic training across the Galaxy the manual was particularly popular among new spacefaring species who found it both entertaining and instructive the final page of each copy simply read remember any civilization advanced enough to
master both quantum mechanics and meme culture is probably not one you want to mess with and if they offer you coffee instead of shooting you take the coffee trust us on this one years later during a diplomatic function celebrating the 10th anniversary of the alliance Rodriguez found herself sharing drinks with both zix and the former Proxima High Commander you know the high Commander mused I still don't understand how you managed to make our complete humiliation into a galaxy-wide teaching moment that's because you're still thinking like an Empire Rodriguez replied we didn't humiliate you we invited
you to laugh at yourself there's a difference and the art installation is still one of our most popular attractions zix noted though I particularly enjoy the interactive section where visitors can experience what it feels like to make increasingly poor decisions that lead to being trapped in a containment field we call that the what were they thinking simulator Rodriguez added it's very popular with militarys across the alliance nothing teaches strategic planning quite like experience its complete absence the high Commander sighed I suppose there are worse Ways to Be Remembered in history oh definitely Rodriguez agreed you
could have been the Empire that tried to invade us with biological weapons now their ships are part of the really really poor Life Choices exhibition and so another evening passed in the alliance where former enemies shared drinks and jokes and the only invasions were the occasional incursions of Earth's pop culture into otherwise serious diplomatic functions it wasn't n perfect but it was certainly more entertaining than war and somewhere near Saturn the holographic ships continued their Eternal dance a glittering reminder that sometimes the best defense isn't a good offense but rather a well-developed sense of humor
and an excellent gift shop have you seen the latest intelligence report Lieutenant crean's voice carried an unusual note of concern as he entered Admiral zix Tal's office aboard the Eternal friendship the one about the draconid Consortium zix didn't look up from his terminal where he was reviewing what humans called cat videos or the one about the smuggling ring trying to export unauthorized quantities of human coffee beans neither sir it's about the Omega Collective that got zix's attention the Omega Collective was the last major holdout against the alliance a group of species that had steadfastly refused
to believe that cooperation could be more profitable than Conquest what of those idiots done now they've well perhaps you should see for yourself Kuran transmitted the data to zix Tel's terminal replacing the cat video with a tactical display zix Tel's mandibles clicked rapidly the equivalent of a human whistle of disbelief please tell me they're not actually attempting what this data suggests they're attempting I'm afraid they are sir they're Gathering the largest Invasion Fleet ever recorded in known space early estimates suggest over 500 Capital ships with accompanying support vessels and they're heading toward Earth it wasn't
a question yes sir they seem to have convinced themselves that the the previous failed invasions were flukes their leadership is claiming that sufficient military force can overcome any technological advantage zix side have they even bothered to look at the technological advances Earth has made in the past two years no sir they're still working from intelligence that's at least 5 years outdated contact Admiral Rodriguez she'll want to know about this zix paused and alert the entertainment division they'll never forgive us if they miss this one the meeting room aboard Earth's primary defense station was packed with
representatives from across the alliance Admiral Rodriguez stood at the head of the table looking more amused than concerned so she began the Omega Collective has decided to test whether quantity has a quality all its own thoughts a Proxima representative raised a limb speaking as someone who's been on the wrong end of Earth's defensive capabilities I suggest we sell tickets already being handled a human from the entertain division chimed in we've got premium viewing packages available across 17 sectors the proceeds will go to the rehabilitation of reformed imperialists fund Rodriguez nodded good now regarding the actual
threat assessment a holographic display materialized above the table showing the approaching Omega Fleet in all its impressive but ultimately feudal Glory technical specifications scrolled alongside the image their technology is approximately equivalent to what Earth had 50 years ago the technical analyst reported they've compensated for this with sheer numbers but they trailed off shrugging but it's like trying to sink a modern aircraft carrier with a fleet of wooden sailing ships Rodriguez finished no matter how many you bring you're still fundamentally outmatched should we attempt diplomatic contact asked one of the newer alliance members zigel clicked his
mandibles in Amusement we've tried they respond to all Communications with variations of prepare to be conquered and resistance is futile how original Rodriguez draw well I suppose we should prepare our response entertainment division you're up first the Omega collectives Fleet approached Earth solar system with all the subtlety of a supernova their Communications channels blasted continuous messages about inevitable Victory and the futility of resistance they seemed particularly proud of their numbers repeatedly broadcasting their ship count as if quantity alone would somehow override the laws of physics and technological progression they were met at the edge of
the solar system by what appeared to be a single Earth vessel the Omega Supreme Commander's laugh echoed across all channels this is your defense one ship against our Mighty Armada the Earth vessel's response came in the form of a text message please stand by your regularly scheduled reality check will begin in 5 4 3 2 1 what happened next would be talked about in bars across the Galaxy for centuries to come the single Earth Ship activated what they called a probability manipulator a device that essentially turned Quantum uncertainty into a weapon the Omega Fleet found
their carefully planned formation turning into something resembling a cosmic ballet choreographed by a caffeine addicted octopus ships spun in impossible patterns Weapons Systems activated only to fire party confetti navigation computers began playing something called Never Going To Give You Up on endless loop and through it all the entertainment division's commentary team provided blowby blow coverage and there goes the flagship executing what appears to be a perfect triple axle the judges give it a 9.5 for technical Merit but only a 7.8 for artistic impression oh and look at that formation the entire third fleet has arranged
itself into what humans call a smiley face completely unintentional but you have to admire the Symmetry wait a minute Bob are those ships in the back actually yes they're spelling out help we've made a huge mistake in Morse code the Omega Supreme Commander's Fury was broadcast across all available frequencies this is impossible this violates every known law of physics the response came from Rodriguez herself oh those laws of physics we rewrote them last Tuesday did no one send you the memo our bad you can't rewrite the laws of physics technically no but we can bend
them until they cry Uncle would you like another demonstration before the commander could respond the Earth Ship activated its second system the entire Omega Fleet found itself transformed into an elaborate light show each ship trailing rainbow colors through space while playing different Earth musical genres this is not Warfare the commander protested this is this is entertainment Rodriguez finished much more profitable than Warfare don't you think by the way we're already getting excellent ratings across the Galaxy your fleet's performance of Swan Lake albeit unintentional is trending on all major networks in the end the Omega Collective
surrendered not to Superior Firepower but to Universal ridicule it's hard to maintain an image as a fearsome conquering Force when your Mighty Armada has been transformed into the Galaxy's largest synchronized swimming team the terms of surrender were uniquely earthlike one the Omega Collective would join the alliance after a mandatory course in modern physics and the economics of cooperation two their Fleet would be upgraded to Modern standards once they promis to stop trying to conquer things three they would have to participate in an annual performance of their now famous space battle this time intentionally the entertainment
division made a fortune selling recordings of the entire incident the greatest hits of failed invasions became the most watched program in Alliance history with the Omega collectives performance taking up three full episodes one month later zigal Rodriguez and the former Omega Supreme Commander sat in Earth's Premier coffee shop watching replays of the event I still don't understand the commander admitted you could have destroyed us why go to all that trouble just to make us look ridiculous because Rodriguez explained sipping her coffee dead enemies can't become friends embarrassed enemies on the other hand often become your
best allies once they get over themselves plus zix added this way was much more entertaining and profitable the commander grudgingly admitted looking at the royalty statements from the entertainment rights though I could have done without my Flagship performing the macarina oh that wasn't us rodrig grinned your own AI decided that was appropriate apparently it developed a sense of humor during the probability fluctuations the commander put his head in his hands is it too late to go back to being conquered much too late zix patted him on the shoulder welcome to the alliance where the only
thing we take seriously is not taking ourselves too seriously and somewhere in the vast expanse of space a fleet of ships continued to Trail rainbow colors a permanent reminder that in the end laughter Prov proved a far more effective weapon than any doomsday device the end
