Are you here with your mom and dad? >> Well, yes. [laughter] >> It's going to be an almost completely silent drive home.
[laughter] >> Wowers. Any other Any other haircuts? Go on.
>> Mock the Chinese. >> Mock the Chinese. Okay.
>> Are you Chinese? >> I'm from Hong Kong. >> You're from Hong Kong?
Well, there is a huge [ __ ] difference. Well, it's nice to see you again. We used to own you.
We did. We [ __ ] No one did colonialism like us. We [ __ ] Well, but we gave you back in the end, which I feel was an error.
Um the I'm not worried about China. A lot of people worried about China. I'm not really.
I view China as a covers band. Like the Beatles aren't worried about the bootleg Beatles, are they? No.
And China's only ever been a [ __ ] covers band. What? What's your favorite Chinese technological innovation?
>> What's >> Pokemon? >> Pokemon? [laughter] Is it Where's it?
Where's Pokémon from? Is it Korea or Japan? >> It's from Japan.
You're saying same. [laughter] Not really. [laughter] Although, if you ever get chatting to a Japanese guy, my god, that's a new level of racism.
[ __ ] me. Crazy racism. Best in the world.
So, what are you what what are you doing here? What happened? >> Why'd you leave Hong Kong?
I've not really kept up with the news. I'm joking. You're [ __ ] Uh, you're [ __ ] >> Interracial marriages.
>> What's >> interracial marriages? >> Interracial marriages. Uh, what what do you you need my blessing?
[ __ ] yeah. Have some. Nature loves diversity.
Always very good-looking kids. Where where are you from? Where's Where's the couple from?
>> Egypt. >> You're from Egypt. >> Denmark.
>> Egypt and Denmark. Okay, good. Sir, she just wants to passport me.
>> [laughter] [applause] >> Have you been to Egypt? It's in [ __ ] ruins. >> Sorry.
What you saying, love? >> Cuz you stole all of it. >> Cuz we cuz we stole all of it.
>> Yeah. >> [ __ ] Yeah. >> No, we we we just run the south where the oil is.
Go on. What? What?
What are you saying? >> I already got my pass. >> You already got your passport?
Well, you can [ __ ] leave him now. >> What? Sorry.
>> From before from >> Well, the lady doth protest too much. >> It's very nice to have you here. [laughter] >> I don't [ __ ] know what you want.
Uh the >> you have any jokes on Afghanistan? >> Do I have any jokes about Afghanistan? [laughter] >> Yeah, >> I got in trouble for a joke.
I got canceled over a joke about Afghanistan. So this was years ago when we were in Helman Province. The British army I mean the Americans were everywhere in Afghanistan.
The British army were holding Helman province and every day um improvised um devices, roadside devices were blowing soldiers up, right? So guys were getting their legs blown off. But the torices and the medical kits, people that would have died in the Second World War, were now surviving, but horrific injuries, arms and legs blown to smitherines.
And all I said was, "It's terrible what's happening to our young men, but we are going to [ __ ] rule at the Parolympics. " [laughter] Yeah, [applause] they [applause] some people got very upset. But then two years later, guess who [ __ ] ruled at the Parolympics?
They didn't have a leg to stand on. [laughter] >> Should we sell Greenland? >> Should you sell it?
Well, you've got you've got the alternative is they take it. So, I mean, no offense to your fine military Okay, why don't we just have a quick game? I'm just going to ask a question.
Hands up. Who has a military where they can't even afford blanks? They've just got to say bang.
[laughter] Yeah, it's you, isn't it? It's [ __ ] you. Bang.
Yeah. Greek Greenland Scott. Well, you sold them the American Virgin Islands, right?
>> You sold them that. And what'd you get for that? >> How much?
>> 25 million for for the British Virgin Islands. >> Okay. You're not Who's the negotiating team?
What? We didn't put the [ __ ] autistic boy on the case. Did we want the So, when was this?
>> Was it 100 years ago? Even [ __ ] 25 million is you had a holiday home and you [ __ ] sold it back then. >> What?
Sorry. >> You used the same tactics back then. There was a Trump back then.
>> There was a Trump back then. >> The same tactics. >> Yeah.
The pressure to to either sell it or they would take it. >> Sell it or they would take it. Okay.
Well, [ __ ] sell it. >> Have you learned nothing? You could militarize.
Some people are anti-war, but if you're anti-war, you better get on board with being very pro- suppression. [laughter] [ __ ] How many How many people are there in Greenland? >> 57,000.
>> 57,000. Yeah. Give me a more accurate figure.
Is your name Alexa? You're You're good at this. These two are back.
We can all relax. Where the [ __ ] are you off to? I'm I'm just glad you're getting some steps in.
Look at it. [applause] >> No offense, my friend, but you're a cooked breakfast away from a heart attack. >> I like the way the t-shirt's the same color as the tattoos.
Can we start over? >> Can we start over? >> What have you just arrived?
>> Did you go for a piss or what? Have you literally just arrived? What?
What? [applause] >> So, I don't want to give you a hard time about your weight, but you're a fire hazard. >> What's uh what's your Have you literally just arrived at the show?
>> Yeah. >> What happened? How come you're late?
>> Traffic. >> Traffic. >> Well, guys, I'm like an hour in.
>> So, here's my thought. What? But but wait a second.
I've got two shows here on Friday. Why don't you go and have a beer and just come as my guest on Friday? You come and see me on Friday.
You do [applause] that. What? It's not the milk of human kindness.
It's [ __ ] easy for me. Do you want Do you want to do that? You can.
>> Yeah. Well, okay. Well, look, um, if you could put them in touch with Bang, my promoter, he'll he'll he'll grab them outside.
Yeah. So, if you guys go, we'll get you a beer out there now. Buy these guys a beer if we've got a bar and we'll come back Friday.
[applause] Be my pleasure. Easiest thing. [applause] Do you have any children?
They're being I I'll level with you. They're being beaten to a [ __ ] Hello, Jimmy. Our entire friend group hates my best mate's girlfriend, myself included.
How do I tell him that she is a [ __ ] It's been two years and I'm praying for them to end it. Well, no time like the present. Where's Where's Where's this person?
It's [ __ ] doing now. Where Where are you? >> Hi.
>> Hi. So, are they here? What?
What? Sorry. >> You hope they're not here.
Okay. And what how do you know the guy? >> He's my best friend.
He's your best friend. And do you do you want [laughter] Why don't you take one for the team [laughter] and break them up? [applause] If you want to get rid of a [ __ ] use your [ __ ] It's educational this show.
I think tell him. Tell him no one likes your girl. I've heard a few brutal things in my time.
I've had like this this guy was going out this guy we knew was going out with a girl that uh no one liked. No one liked. And uh my my friend said to her, "Uh, you're not hot enough to be that much of a [ __ ] Oh, [ __ ] hell.
" And then my but the guy that was dating her got really upset and he went, "Yeah, yeah, I but you're the only one that gets to [ __ ] her. " [laughter] It ended it. It was very effective.
We've not seen a lot of him since. Hey, Jimmy. I'm her with my mom.
I'm called Mick. It's my birthday present to be here. Please take some piss on us.
[laughter] You give me a lot to work with here, Mick. [laughter] I about taking the piss. I'll definitely be taking the Mick.
Where's Where are you, Mick? Who's Mick? Where's Mick?
>> There. >> Hi, Mick. How old are you, sir?
>> Okay. >> Hi, Mick's mom. >> Not a lot of oxygen during that birth, was there?
[laughter] [applause] It's very nice to have you here. What do you do, Mick? >> I'm a coordinator.
>> You're a what? >> Coordinator. >> He's a coordinator.
[laughter] >> Do you mean you're careful not to drop stuff? I try and be as coordinated as I can, [laughter] but I'm a little bit dyspraic. I What do you coordinate, Mick?
>> Coordinate drivers. >> Drvers. Excellent.
[laughter] I don't know. >> Mick's mom. Hi, Mick's mom.
>> I like Mick. [laughter] >> You love him? >> Well, here's what we're going to do.
I'm going to seduce you. Yeah, I could be very charming when I want to be and I'm going to be Mick's new dad and there's going to be some changes. [applause] [applause] And Mick, Mick, you're not going to call me stepdad.
I think it's a disrespect. I don't like it. [laughter] You're going to call me [ __ ] Nice to have you here, Mick.
Thanks for coming. Hello. I wanted to tell you about Jimmy Car Roadkill.
It's all my favorite heckle moments from 20125. I've had an amazing year. Uh primarily because people shout out stuff at gigs and those are the bits that I haven't heard before.
So, uh please enjoy. These uh yeah, my favorite moments from 2025. Jimmy Carr, Roadkill.
