Fiancé Asked Me to Open Our Relationship Right Before Our Wedding, & Later I Found Out that His ...

My fiancé asked me to open our relationship right before our wedding, and later I found out that his guru friends had been manipulating him for months. I (28F) and my fiancé John (28M) have been together for, as the title says, about 5 years. To understand the dilemma, I need to give you some background.

We both came from very religious backgrounds, though it affected both of us very differently. John became a problem child, running away, causing problems, and eventually finding a crowd his parents would not approve of. Most of the members of this group were a part of the LGBTQ+ community, smoked pot, engaged in protests, and were either atheist or practiced different religions.

Although some of the members have since left, this crowd became his current friend group. I won't go into details about each and every one of them, but the main ring leaders are Alex (35 NB) and Avery (33M). From what I understand, they collected damaged people, as John jokingly said one day, and let them couch surf when things got rough.

Alex is some sort of nepo baby, and Avery works in IT or something like that. John met them when he was 15. At first, I thought they seemed very cool and couldn't wait to meet them since John equated their relationship to that of a child and a parent—clearly very important people in his life.

But when I finally met them when we were 21 and in college, home for the summer break, the meeting left me a bit disillusioned. Alex was cad and had snide remarks since I wasn't LGBTQ+ or anything—at most, bi-curious—and Avery treated me like a child. But John said they always needed to "break in" new people, so I tried to think positively and did my best to impress them with what I was studying and what my plans for the future were, both regarding me personally and my relationship.

However, the more I talked, the more they seemed to disapprove of me. Despite the strange meeting, John seemed ecstatic to see them again and gushed about how much they liked me, so I kept my mouth shut and just nodded along. Now, to understand a bit deeper who Alex and Avery are: in the town they live in, they're something like local celebrities—very spiritual.

Their home is full of souvenirs they accumulated over all their travels. They are also married, but their definition of marriage is very different from the traditional one. Apparently, they went to some tropical state and took some hallucinogens together, and in their state, they proclaimed everlasting love for one another.

Quite a wild concept for someone like me, but I learned to be more open-minded since I left for college. That being said, they also claimed that they can see auras, whatever that is, and apparently love my fiancé. I don't know what they think of mine, but it likely isn't much.

Which brings us to the topic I came here with: last week, after we got home from work, John sat me down and asked me what I think about being in a polygamous relationship. He said he loves me so, so much more than is possible and doesn't know what to do with the rest of it, thinking that it's fair to give it to someone else. I, on the other hand, don't have a limit on how much I can love him, so I said no, and that was that.

However, the question has been plaguing my mind ever since. If you knew John just a fraction, you'd know he researches things long before he actually commits to anything—any lifestyle or relationship changes, whatever. This makes me think that he has already thought about it for a while and that he also consulted Alex and/or Avery about this.

I don't want to villainize them, but I know for a fact they're not in a monogamous relationship, and they clearly don't like me as the rest of their little group. Again, I don't want to point fingers, and I won't ask John to show me his messages with them unless I have solid proof that isn't just a gut feeling. But I just have this horrible feeling that they somehow pulled in John.

There's no way he just thought about it suddenly on his own. Five years of relationship, and the idea of non-monogamy was never brought up, and now, suddenly, just as we're about to be married, he brings this up. I don't buy it one bit.

But I can't just go ahead and confront them now, can I? I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck at home.

I pretend everything is fine since my group of close friends told me that I'm just overthinking, and I believed it for a while. But whenever I look at John, all I can think of is that he thinks there's a cap on how much he can love me and that he wants to love someone else. I want to deal with this, but I don't know how.

If I bring it up with John, he'll just brush it off as well, or he'll think I'm cheating or don’t trust his friends. I worked hard to get their approval, and I know for a fact John shares everything with them; he wouldn't keep this for himself. I just hope that someone here can give me pointers on how to proceed.

Thanks. Comments where OP has replied: "Degenerate to take. If you don't swing that way, then end it.

It'll only get worse once you're married. This is not something you can compromise on; he wants to love other people while you do not. " OP: "God, the idea of ending our relationship is so scary.

I feel like I built my entire life since leaving for college around him, and if we separate, I'm worried. . .

" Going to fall apart, but I understand where you're coming from. I need more time to process the reality of it all. Tilda, why?

God, we don't let them brainwash you! There are plenty of cases where people are pulled into someone else's lifestyle and then randomly dropped. It will leave you wondering who you even are.

I've been there, and it ruined me. What happens if you drink the Kool-Aid and they reject you later? It's hard to come back from that.

I'm not saying this as a matter based solely on sexual preference either; New Age mumbo jumbo mixed with radical changes in sexual interest can really mess a person up. A lot of people like this function almost like a hive mind or the popular clique in high school. If you already feel like you're being pushed away from the group, and now he's making this request, it's a bad sign.

Also, the idea of him having so much love that it's unfair to only give it to you is a horrible cop-out and a very common excuse people use when trying to convince their partner to try polyamory or an open relationship. It's often used to guilt people. It's almost like he's suggesting that you are greedy for wanting to keep your relationship personal and exclusive.

I just say be careful. I don't want you to end up hurt like I was. Dedicating yourself to one person while their character and lifestyle are completely changing can end up with you getting hurt badly.

If he is sincerely changing in this way, I'd be worried about how much you invest in him. I only say this because I was fully invested in my ex, and she started hanging out with a group of college friends more frequently toward the end. One day, we got into a small argument over parking, and it ended with her saying she wasn't certain what sex she was attracted to anymore and wasn't sure if she was even female anymore, and that we had to end things.

Now, I would have been fine with helping her figure things out, but for her, it kind of just became her excuse to break up with me. I think it was more about her wanting to have fun and was influenced by her group of friends, all being single or experimenting, who all came out around the same time. I think she saw them having fun and felt FOMO, to be honest.

So to her, she was getting her chance to catch up on fun she may have missed out on being in a relationship. To me, it was losing a piece of myself that I invested years of love into. Oop, I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

I really hope Jon isn't using this as a maneuvering tactic to get out of the relationship or a chance to catch up. It doesn't sound like him, but I'll keep this in mind. Update, September 17, 2024: Thank you so much for all the nice replies and genuine advice you've offered.

Not to sound cliché, but I didn't expect over a hundred comments and some nice DMs. I'm sorry I didn't respond much; the whole situation was kind of emotionally draining. I figured I'd update when something major happens, and I think this is it.

But before I get ahead of myself, let me fill in some blanks in my story. Me and John came from similar backgrounds, but my family was a bit less strict, allowing me to go to college since I had great grades. The plan for me was to move back after getting a degree, find a job, a husband, and live the traditional life, which obviously didn't happen because I met John, who literally changed the trajectory of my life.

After a year, I switched from my first major to one I liked more, and it's been a while since I contacted my parents. They didn't approve, of course, but with Jon's help, I didn't give in to their demands to come back. Now they know I'm getting married and are invited, but the last time we spoke was about two months ago.

Jon is completely no contact with his parents since he was 18. I didn't talk about the friend group in more detail at first since I didn't think they were that important, but they do like me. At first, they were obviously a bit unsure since, to them, I was a cis, white-passing woman, but they warmed up to me, and I'm proud to call them my friends.

The only people who didn't fully accept me are Avery and Alex, and since John and I got together officially, they tend to call me "the wife" in this strange, almost derogatory manner. It's not an important detail, but it gets on my nerves. Lastly, John is aware that opening up the relationship would lead to me being intimate, physically or emotionally, with other people, but he said it's a great chance for me to explore my bisexual side, though I haven't expressed the desire to really be with a woman in a committed relationship of that magnitude.

On to what happened: I shot a message to John two days ago that we need to talk. He works from home; I don't, so as soon as I got home, we sat down to have an in-depth conversation about his proposal. I think he knew what it was going to be about, and I had the feeling he seemed almost guilty, but I ignored that and basically word-vomited everything that's been on my mind.

This is embarrassing because I wrote down most of what the comments advised and was prepared to have a mature discussion, but by the end of my easily 15-minute rant, I was in tears, and he had to hold me; otherwise, I'd crumble completely. The gist of what I said is that I'm hurt. That he wants to love other people and that he doesn't care that I want to love other people too, that he believes there's a limit to how much he can love me and that I can't see where this all came from, that he just sprung this on me out of nowhere just a few months before we're to be wed.

We tried to have a mature discussion, yes, but by the end, he was frustrated. He did apologize for making me feel less than but said that my outlook on an open relationship is selfish. What it all boiled down to was that he feels he didn't have enough time to find himself before he committed to me, which is because he didn't show any signs of wanting more than I could offer.

We were very happy throughout the five years; I really believed I met my soulmate. I realized that since we were engaged, he seemed to talk more to his friend group and, by extension, to Avery and Alex. Again, I don't want to paint them as these cartoonish villains; they're really interesting and all, but now I want nothing more than to scratch those self-absorbed, smug smiles off their faces.

In the end, I demanded to see his phone, and he was shocked. We had a rule that we can see each other's phones but we don't share passwords or anything since our relationship is built on trust, and neither wanted to be a prison guard in the relationship. Nevertheless, he unlocked and handed over his phone, and I searched his messages, even deleted ones, and found nothing out of the ordinary.

Then I checked the call log, and guess what? Hours-long calls to and from either Avery or Alex. I was fuming and asked him what the hell he needed to discuss with them for that long, and mind you, those dated months back.

Jon eventually caved in and admitted it was them who brought up the idea of an open relationship, but they also talked about everything else since they were his role models. Jon admitted that he started getting cold feet a while ago and needed a safe place to discuss this. I guess I, his wife-to-be, am not safe.

Please make it make sense: why even marry me then? He promised we'd go to a couple's counselor and fix all of this—his issues with marriage, the open relationship thing, the whole nine yards. He also said he'd book an emergency session with his therapist, that he loves me and wants nothing but to be with me.

It was late, so we went to bed. Despite how messy this all sounds, I was a bit more reassured by this. I genuinely love him, even if my post doesn't reflect that very well.

Though many people said to just leave, I want that to be the last resort. I was willing to jump through hoops to make this work, but guess who's the idiot? This morning, I woke up to an empty apartment and a message on my phone from Jon saying that he needs a few days to think this all over and needs space.

He didn't say where he was going or when he'd come back. I called and called and messaged everyone I know, but no one can tell me where Jon is. I told him that he either comes back home in 24 hours or this is over.

As you can imagine, I'm a wreck. I took the rest of the week off, in between crying sessions and staring blankly into the wall. I obsessively checked my messages in hopes of someone telling me where Jon is.

To be honest, if he's willing to put me through this, I'm not sure I want to be with him. How can you do this to someone you love? Next story: I named my daughter Annabelle after my husband's grandmother who raised him, then found out that it was also the name of my dad's affair partner.

At 26F, I just gave birth to my daughter Annabelle. I didn't announce it beforehand because, in the past, one of my family members stole a baby name, and it created a lot of drama. My mom wanted to know, but I was adamant about keeping it a secret.

My mom and dad were in the room when I gave birth, and when it was time for me to sign the birth certificate, my mom asked for the name, and I told her Annabelle. Her face went pale, and my dad didn't look too happy, but he said he loved the name. My mom left a few minutes later, claiming she didn't feel well.

She said she'd come over in a few days to help with the baby. Now I'm at home with the baby, and my mom hasn't talked to me that much; we used to talk every day, so I was confused by this sudden behavior. My sister Emily lives with Mom still, so I called her over to talk.

When she got to my house, she explained how she overheard Dad and Mom arguing because about ten years ago Dad had an affair with a co-worker named Annabelle. Mom hasn't been talking to him, and he's been trying to get her to talk. I guess Dad, realizing that Emily had come over, decided to come over himself.

He asked if there was any way that I could change Annabelle's name. I asked him why to see if he'd tell me the truth, and he did. He admitted to the affair.

He begged Mom not to leave him, and she stayed. But just hearing that name had always put her in a bad headspace. I told him I can't, and that Annabelle was the name of my husband's grandmother who helped raise him.

My dad begged and pleaded for me to change it, saying Mom was in the middle of packing her bags and heading to her. Sister's house. I told him I won't change her name and that it means so much to me and my husband.

He began to raise his voice, and immediately my sister yelled back and told him to get the hell out. She told him not to stress me out about a mess he created. He left immediately.

I'm not changing my baby's name, but I feel like this is tearing the family apart. What should I do? Small edit: Annabelle isn't her real name; her real name only has three letters, so a nickname based off her name wouldn't be possible, and a lot of you suggested changing her first name to her middle name, but her middle name is my mom's name, and I don't want to change that.

Additional info: Oop on changing her baby's name for her parents' sakes, and it shouldn't be a problem. Oop, it really is, though. My husband's mom had him at a really young age, so his grandma raised him.

She recently passed away, so this is our way to honor her. This is a baby we've been trying for; for the past six months, we've been calling her Annabelle. In this case, my husband's feelings matter more than my mother's because this is his child too.

My husband and I talked about it, and as much as this hurts my mom, his grandma was Superwoman. I can't hurt my husband because my dad hurt my mom. My dad needs to fix it, not me.

To noop, know about the affair, so she could have given her daughter a different name. Oop, I didn't know until four days later; paperwork is already filed, and now it will cost to change the name. Oop, should change names to avoid the trauma for all involved.

Oop, this might sound selfish, but why does a bad situation take precedence over a good situation? I get my mom is hurt, but what about my husband's grandmother who sacrificed years, money, and time for a child that wasn't hers? I think the good outweighs the bad in this situation.

It's my husband's child too; his grandma is just as important as my mom in this situation. Has oop talked with her mother about the associated name? Oop, not about this.

I just found this out this morning, but for the past few days, it's been just quick three-minute conversations. I knew something was bothering her; I just didn't know what it was until today. Update 1: September 27th, 2024.

So my sister went over to my aunt's house to talk to my mom about what happened. My mom then came to my house to talk. She broke down, saying how sorry she is for being distant and that it was wrong not to communicate with us about what was happening.

She said while the name did shock her at first, she knew how much Annabelle meant to my husband and that she'll never do anything to discredit the work she put into raising him. I asked why she didn't tell us about the affair. She said because she knew that she was mentally too weak to leave, and the last thing she wanted was to show us it's okay to stay with a man who cheated on you.

I asked if she planned on leaving Dad, and she said she doesn't know. She admitted that she never got over the affair and is mad at herself for ruining the moment her granddaughter was born. I told her, "Is there a nickname that she wants to call her by?

" and she said no and that she wants to honor the memory of Annabelle's great-grandmother. We hugged it out and talked, so I think everything is okay. Comments where op has replied: Why can't oop reject her husband's name choice for their daughter?

She has the right to decide on the name. Oop, how am I selfish if my husband wanted to honor his grandmother? My husband's grandmother is essentially his mother.

It's not from his mouth; although he didn't want to change it, he was telling me it was probably for the best. My husband does not control me or control how I think. Commenter: Yeah, this is not fixed.

She's saying things but not feeling them yet, and it's going to seriously hit the fan if she winds up divorced or your sister starts harping on her to divorce because she will 100% associate your kid with her life falling apart. Oop, I get this is a possibility, but I'm pretty sure no one will blame my child; my father will 100% be responsible. Even my aunt told her that the baby is innocent and that nobody is to blame but my dad.

My mom looks up to my aunt and usually listens to her advice. I'm pretty sure my aunt was pushing for her to start a divorce, so it's most likely going to happen. Oop on how she will explain to her daughter about her name when she's older: Oop, they will hear the story about the woman who stepped up to take care of her father because his mother was on drugs.

They will hear the story about how she saved her grandson from suicide. They will hear the story about how she worked two jobs to save up for his college fund. She will hear the story about how her great-grandmother had to make multiple sacrifices to make it to every football and baseball game.

I think that trumps my dad's affair. Part of going LC with her father: Oop, the thing is I've never seen my dad act like this, so I'm going to go no contact until Annabelle is older, and I'm heading from the birth. Then I'll see where he's at, and if he still blames me, then I'm going NC permanently.

Update 2: September 29th, 2024. So I'm actually going to separate myself. From my mom and my dad, my mom said she was going to get couples counseling, as well as therapy for herself.

I thought that was good, I guess. My dad read somewhere that it's best to completely be honest about the situation if he wants to move on. My dad is a science teacher at a high school, so Annabelle wasn't actually a co-worker but a student.

He taught her as a freshman and had her in his AP class as a senior. She graduated at 17, and they added each other on Facebook, and things went from there, I guess. I asked my mom if she knew Annabelle was a student and not a coworker; she broke down and admitted that she did.

I asked her how she could be with someone like that, but she didn't answer me. My sister was disgusted by him and cursed him out, calling him a "child lover. " She said she would never talk to him again.

I agreed with her and told my mom that I can't allow my kids around her if she thought that my dad's behavior was okay. My dad said that Annabelle was an adult and that it was a mistake what happened between them. He then said it was a mistake to be open about the situation if it was only going to make things worse.

My sister moved in with me, which I don't mind because the house has plenty of room. My dad and mom have been blowing up our phones, but I can't talk to either of them right now.