Welcome one and all in here, out there, all around the world to the Late Show. I'm your host, Steven Colbear. Ladies [cheering] and gentlemen, I don't have to tell any of you.
It's been a hell of a week. >> I'm sorry, I read that wrong. It's been hell.
Um, right now, motans are still being terrorized by Trump's goons, and it's not entirely clear. It's not entirely clear when it will end. In the wake of two murders by anti-immigration agents, Trump has removed Border Patrol commander Greg Bavino, seen here embodying Coco Chanel's famous motto, I love Nazis.
Bavino has been replaced in Minnesota by borders and happiest meatball in the steam tray, Tom Hman. That's all we know. It's too early to know if if if Trump is actually trying to deescalate the violence or just rearranging the douchebags on the Titanic [applause] right now.
So far, so far from what we can tell, [cheering] it looks a little bit it looks a little bit like option B because this morning Trump posted, "Surprisingly, Mayor Jacob Fry has just stated that Minneapolis does not and will not enforce federal immigration laws. " This is after having had a very good conversation with him. Could somebody please explain that he is playing with fire?
I had a very good conversation. No, folks, I had a very good conversation with Mayor Fry. Just had a great relationship with his uncle, Mayor McCheese.
[laughter] But now, folks, now Mayor Fry is playing with fire when he should be playing in the fryer. [laughter] The administration is feeling the heat because Americans are outraged. Anti-CE sentiment is everywhere.
In fact, this weekend on Instagram, Reddit, Tik Tok, and YouTube, posts critical of ICE went viral, even in a-political online spaces. For example, on one subreddit for playfully patting your cat like you're playing the bongos, the moderator got a record number of up votes after posting, quote, "If you still support Trump ice, even slightly, you're not welcome in this sub. >> [cheering] >> You hear that?
Do you get that? Do you understand [cheering] that? [applause] If you support the fascists, your hands have no place tapping sweet somber rhythms on your cat's bongo butt.
Which means the revolution has a new fight song. Hit it. [laughter] Cat seems to like it.
I wouldn't mind that. [applause] [cheering] Naturally, [applause] uh, a lot of the anger has been directed at Homeland Security Secretary and girlfriend, a lonely sailor made from driftwood and kelp, [laughter] Christy Gnome. On Saturday, N was quick to call Freddy a domestic terrorist without evidence.
Now, House Democrats are threatening to impeach her, and even some Republicans are demanding her resignation. But yesterday, [cheering] that's pleasant [applause] something. But yesterday, Trump said no when asked by a reporter if Gnome would step down, adding, "I think she's doing a very good job.
I think she's doing a very good job, folks. Nope. She's doing excellent.
There's no one else I'd rather have everyone blame for my mindless cruelty. She's perfect. First off, she's a woman, and nobody likes that.
For her part, uh, Gnome is trying to blame other people for immediately labeling a murder victim a domestic terrorist. Yesterday, she reportedly said, "Everything I've done, I've done at the direction of the president and Steven Miller. " Oh, so you were just following orders.
This was this was all just a nothing burger. Oh, wait. I'm sorry.
I misread that. Uh, it's a Nermber burger. But much of Gnome's [cheering] >> [applause] >> But this much of Gnome's story does check out.
Right after Prey was killed, Miller called him an assassin intent on massacring law enforcement. But now he's saying that wasn't his idea either. Yesterday he told reporters any early comments made were based on information sent to the White House through Customs and Border Protection.
So Christine Gnome, who runs Customs and Border Protection, heard it from Steven Miller, who says he heard it from Customs and Border Protection, run by Christine Gnome. This is this is this is a real snake eating its own tail, which I believe is how Steven Miller reproduces. [cheering] Just [applause] [cheering] [applause] yesterday during a press event with Iowa farmers, Trump was asked about the trouble in Minnesota.
Warning, if you're a fan of the song Eye of the Tiger, this might make you like it less. >> Why did you decide to shake up your leadership team in Minnesota and send Tom? >> I do that all the time.
I shake up teams. Everybody here, these are a lot of owners of farms and places, and you shake up your team if they can't do the crops fast enough. >> That was an insane analogy to make while blasting that song in the background.
If you work for a farmer and you do crops too slow or you just maybe did a little murder, deescalation or not, things in Minnesota are still very tense. Case in point, last night, Minnesota Congresswoman Elon Omar, a very frequent target of the presidents, was speaking at a town hall where she was attacked by a man with a mystery liquid. Take a look.
>> And DHS Secretary Christy Nome must resign or face impeachment. >> Okay. Representative Representative Omar is okay and admirably tough under pressure.
Check out during the attack. She moves toward danger and then her arm back. [applause] Girl was ready to throw some hands right there.
Explains her campaign slogan. Ilon Omar will fight for you and with you after school in the Panera parking lot. [cheering] The attacker.
How's it sound? [applause] Coming through. Okay.
Going through. Okay. The attacker has been identified as a 55-year-old man named Anthony J.
Kazmchic. As of this taping, we don't know what his motivations [clears throat] were. It might have been Donald Trump.
Uh, it might have been Captain Morgan. [laughter] Witnesses say that Cosmechic sprayed Omar with a strong smelling liquid from this syringe. Some on the internet speculated it was urine.
If so, Anthony, you got to hydrate immediately. >> [laughter] >> Turns out, turns [applause] out, I'm happy to say, turns out the substance was apple cider vinegar. >> That's right, vinegar.
That's more dangerous than you think. If she had had baking soda in her pocket, he could have turned her into a volcano. She's fine.
She finished her speech. The guy's in jail. Now, clearly, when it comes to Minnesota, Trump has a big PR problem on his decomposing hands.
So yesterday he tried to change the narrative by flying out to Iowa for a rally about the economy. There's just one problem. We just found out that in January consumer confidence collapsed to its lowest level since 2014.
Well, yeah. That year, everyone's confidence collapsed after John Travolta tried to introduce Adena Menzel. >> Please welcome the wickedly talented one and only Adazine.
>> [applause] >> It never gets old. I just like I just like watching it. [laughter] We don't even have a follow-up joke.
We just want to [laughter] just want to watch that as often as we can. Every month, here's the thing. Every month, something called the Conference Board releases a consumer confidence index.
And this January, the numbers are truly stunning. I'm talking about 84. 5, 65.
1, and 113. 7. Do you know what that means?
>> Cuz I don't. And that's scary. Where are we headed from here?
293. 5, 47. 6, or the unthinkable 420.
69? [cheering] [applause] [cheering] >> [cheering] [applause] >> F. [cheering] [applause] [cheering] >> NICE.
A warning about this next story for any eight-year-olds in the room. You're going to love it because a small geyser of poop water is flooding into the Ptoac River. That's right.
Washington DC has an unstoppable geyser of poop and now there's one in the PTOIC too. [cheering] According to reports, thank you. [applause] Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you. [cheering] That joke [applause] that joke courtesy of Little Richie Dom, age eight.
According according to reports, the oopsy poopy happened when part of a major sewer line that carries wastewater collapsed. Experts estimate the overflow of sewage about 40 million gallons a day. That's some deep doodoo.
[laughter] Like all stories involving poop geysers, this is going to get worse before it gets better. Because while much of the sewage may be locked in ice at the moment, it's unclear what the effect will be when it's released later. According to the riverkeeper.
Yes, the riverkeeper. [laughter] BOW MORTALS, SLAVES, YOUR precious terrairmer, and heed the potentious cry of I, the riverkeeper. For I may keep the river, but who keeps me?
[laughter] It's a It's a water safety nonprofit in DC. Fun fact, the river keeper's name. [cheering] [applause] You guys good over there?
I didn't scare you, did I? I didn't scare anybody, did I? [applause] Fun fact, the river keeper's name is Dean.
No jokes, [laughter] but I will not make fun of his name because Dean has made it clear. No jokes. We got a great show for you tonight.
My guest from Bad Money and Emmy winning actress Catherine Reassa will come [music and cheering] back. Meanwhile, join us too. [music] >> [music] [music] >> Come on.
