(Stand Up Comedy) Bill Burr: Why You Can't Compete with a S*x Robot

I'm in New York City, right? And I'm looking through the newspaper, whatever, and I come across an article, and it's on this robot that for $10,000, you buy this thing, you can have sex with it. Right?

Now, notice five minutes ago, I brought up a blowup doll. Didn't even have a joke. Just said blow-up doll, and you all laughed.

A blowup doll. Who would do such a stupid thing? All right, that's weird.

Five minutes later, I say a robot that you can have sex with. Dead silence in here. As if collectively you were all just like, "Well, what does it look like?

" I'm not going to lie to you. IT IT STILL LOOKS LIKE A DEAD BODY, BUT IT LOOKS WAY [ __ ] BETTER THAN THAT PULL-UP doll from 30 years ago. And that's what scares me because everything gets better, right?

You look at when cars first came out, the stupid horn, you had to crank start it. You'd run over your best friend. Now you can start one up with a remote control from like 50 yards away, right?

Remember when airbags first came out? They just had one for the driver. My family.

Oh my god. Oh my god. WHY WOULD YOU JUST SAVE ME?

And then eventually THEY GOT AIRBAGS FOR EVERYBODY. WELL, THESE ROBOT SEX DOLLS ARE GOING TO BE NO DIFFERENT, OKAY? They're just going to keep getting better and better and better.

AND THESE [ __ ] NERDS ARE NOT GOING TO BE MAKING ANY regular looking robot dolls, right? You know, some girl next door, you know, just some plain Jane, the chick your mom likes being like, "Well, there's a nice girl you could settle down with. She knows how to cook.

" [ __ ] that. They're going to make Victoria's Secret supermodels. Just absolutely like Paris runway looking supermodels.

And you're going to be able to come home to one of these things. And it's going to laugh at all your jokes. Uhhuh.

It's going to sit down and watch the game with you like it doesn't get any better than this. Yes, it does. that's going to get up and make you a [ __ ] I don't know bunt cake or a meat pie, whatever the [ __ ] you people eat, right?

There's not going to be a human woman in here that's going to be able to compete with that for LONGER THAN 90 MINUTES, EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY BY THE THIRD TRIP TO THE FRIDGE. SHE'S GOING TO BE LIKE, "YEAH, [ __ ] GET IT YOURSELF. WHAT AM I, YOU SLAVE?

GO [ __ ] YOURSELF. " And after you've been with one of these robots, like sex dolls, this you you're not going to be able to go back to a real woman, right? With all her hopes and dreams and her needs, you're going to be coming home.

She like, "What is going on with you? We're not connecting. We need a date night.

" All you be thinking is like, "HOW DO I SHUT THIS [ __ ] THING OFF? WHAT IS IT on nagging mode? Why isn't IT BLOWING ME RIGHT NOW?

I I I CLEARLY entered the room. I ENTERED THE ROOM. IT'S SUPPOSED TO DROP TO ITS KNEES AND BLOW ME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YEAH. Like your ego is going to be at like a dictator level.

LIKE ME AND MY MAN TITS HAVE ARRIVED. SERVICE ME. SAY THAT I AM YOUR LORD.

YEAH. That's it. That's it.

You're not going to be able to go back to a real woman. And then nobody's going to be [ __ ] women. So they're going to get lonely.

So they're going to have to create a DOLL FOR YOU GUYS, RIGHT? A GIANT [ __ ] I don't know what I don't know what you guys are into. I don't pretend to know.

Like some giant Brad Pitt looking [ __ ] robot doll. [ __ ] eight pack abs, a robot dick down to the floor, you know, holds both your hands when you tell a story, right? Whatever you're into.

Opens a bottle of wine at 12:00 noon. It's got to be 5:00 somewhere. [crying] Yeah.

I think THEY'RE GOING TO [ __ ] US INTO EXTINCTION because at that point the only people left having sex with other human beings are going to be hipsters and the homeless, right? Cuz hipsters, they they love all the old [ __ ] right? Cassette tapes, frisbes, dressing like a cobbler, whatever the [ __ ] it is they're doing, right?

But even a homeless guy, you know, after like, I don't know, a couple of years, he'll be able to drag some old one-legged [ __ ] out robot model out of the trash, drag it back to its layer, and even that thing will still be building them up, you know, just laying there like, I DON'T THINK YOU SMELL THAT BAD. This is my favorite bridge. Yeah.

And we're all going to [ __ ] die off. And what's going to be left to fight these robots off is going to be an entire generation of hipster spawn. Yeah.

And they're going to go to war, ironically. Yeah. Drssing dressed like I don't know, [ __ ] growing Civil War beards, dressing like Star Wars action figures, and they're going to get [ __ ] slaughtered.

And right when they get down to the last 30, there's going to be some liberal robot going like, "We should save a few for posterity, right? They're just going to stick them in a zoo and be this little hodgepodge of what was left, you know, black, white, Latin, Asian, gay, straight, trans, whatever, whatever the [ __ ] right? And they're still going to be arguing with each other.

The robots are just be standing outside going, "I love it when they cross their legs. >> [laughter] >> I don't know. But anyways, you know what I'm afraid of?

You know what I'm afraid of? Robots. Yeah, I saw one get I saw one get interviewed on 60 Minutes, the top journalistic program in the United States.

And he's just sitting there getting interviewed, not nervous at all, just rattling off all the [ __ ] answers, you know, not smoking, not [ __ ] you know, leaking oil, whatever you would do as as as as a nervous robot, right? and and the reporter is asking him questions and in the end he goes, "So tell us," he's like, "Uh" he's like, "What are your goals? " And I am alone in a hotel room and I literally lean towards the TV.

I'm like, "Do these [ __ ] things have goals? " And the the [ __ ] robot just answers. He just goes, "Uh, to be uh" he goes, "What are your goals?

" And the robot goes, "Uh, to become smarter than human beings. " Yeah. And the reporter just blows by.

He's like, "OKAY, AND UH what's your favorite color? " Meanwhile, I'm standing on my bed yelling at the TV LIKE, "DUDE, UNPLUG THAT [ __ ] THING. TAKE THE BATTERIES OUT.

PULL THE W PULL THE WIRES OUT. DO SOMETHING. " HOW MANY SCI-FI MOVIES DO YOU HAVE TO SEE BEFORE YOU REALIZE WHERE THIS IS GOING?

SO, ANYWAYS, every smart person, every super smart person in the world is saying these [ __ ] things are going to kill us. Even your boy here, the guy who he recently died, what was his name? He was uh he was always sitting down.

HAWKINS. STEVEN HAWKINS. YEAH.

TOO GOOD TO [ __ ] STAND UP AND MAKE his point. Just sitting down all [ __ ] sparmy. [laughter] OH, I CARE SO MUCH.

I POURED ICE ON MYSELF. Um and I showed off my abs at the same time for the gram. No, I'm just [ __ ] with you.

I'm so glad that guy's [ __ ] dead, though. You know, look at you guys. Your heart.

How much longer do YOU WANT HIM TO SUFFER? You don't believe in an afterlife? Maybe he's up there now.

He's his [ __ ] legs work. He's getting an angelic [ __ ] How much longer do you want him to [ __ ] sit there so you can feel better about yourself? Well, at least I'm NOT ALL [ __ ] TWISTED UP saying smart [ __ ] right?

I couldn't [ __ ] stand that guy. HE WAS SO [ __ ] NEGATIVE. HE NEVER HAD ANYTHING POSITIVE TO SAY.

HEY, STEVE, WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR US TODAY? IN 2035, there'll be no more apples. Thank you, Steve.

THANKS A LOT. WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THAT. NOW I AM.

HEY, SO WHAT'S THE SOLUTION? IT'S TOO LATE. We needed to try 40 years ago.

THANKS A LOT, BUDDY. I'M GOING TO GO CRY WITH MY CHILD NOW. DUDE, I can hang with that out with that guy for about 3 minutes before I took the break off his chair and just zone him into the other room.

HEY, STEVE, COME BACK HERE WHEN YOU GOT SOMETHING DUMB AND POSITIVE TO SAY. >> YEAH. WELL, LISTEN.

I agreed with all of these super smart people thinking that these [ __ ] robots were going to kill us, right? I agreed with all of that [ __ ] until a couple of years ago I was in New York and I was looking through a newspaper, right? And I have a whole new [ __ ] theory.

But in order for me to tell you my theory, I have to quickly take you back to the deep, dark, sorted history of the blowup doll. All right. Now, I know there's a lot of millennials here, young people.

You probably don't even know what one of these is. All right. With your [ __ ] I don't know what you guys do.

Your virtual reality glasses, you know, [ __ ] free porn flying by you, grabbing titties, and what what whatever it is you're doing, right? [laughter] Back in the day, this was the deal. If you were a person and and you wanted to have sex with somebody else, but like nobody else wanted to have sex with you and you know you you weren't strong enough to hold anybody down.

I mean, you had to GO YOU HAD THIS HOW IT WAS. YOU HAD TO GO OUT and you had TO GET A BLOWUP DOLL AND YOU HAD TO [ __ ] GO OUT AND GET IT. YOU HAD TO [ __ ] GO OUT AND GET IT, RIGHT?

You couldn't just order it off of an Amazon and some delivery guy shows up. He doesn't know what's in the box. You're standing there like Tom Hanks.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING? GREAT TO SEE YOU. I'M GOING TO [ __ ] THAT.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS. NOW, DUDE, YOU HAD TO GO DOWN AND YOU HAD TO [ __ ] GET THIS THING. You had to find a porno store.

You had to work it out that was was far enough away from your house that no one was going to recognize your car. You drive down like 11:00 in the morning. Who the [ __ ] is going to be there then?

Right? You'd park in the back ON LIKE A TUESDAY just sitting there in the car psyching yourself up like, "Okay, I'm not hurting anybody. It's just an urge.

Just get in there. Okay, handing the money. JUST GET IN THERE AND GET IT DONE.

" YOU YANK YOUR HAT DOWN. YOU [ __ ] YOU WALK in with all your courage and then you get in there and be too many other perverts in there and you get all psyched out. So what you do is you just grab a bunch of videotapes and you walked up to the counter and you had to make it look like it was an impulse buy, right?

And you're walking up and everything, all the creepy [ __ ] was behind the counter, right? Just [ __ ] heads and feet. Just an ass body part.

Serial killer buffet. What [ __ ] world am I entering? Oh my god.

Somebody's [ __ ] a neck. Jesus Christ. Right.

Can you set it down? Just make it look real subtle. Okay, buddy.

Is that going to be all? UH, YEAH. NO.

UH, maybe that MAYBE THAT THING DOWN THE END WITH THE SURPRISE LOOK ON ITS FACE. UH, maybe I'd like to TAKE A SHOT AT THAT. I DON'T KNOW.

The guy wraps it up and then you finally get it. You give the money. You [ __ ] run out to the car.

You have this whole weird emotion. You're like excited and you HATED YOURSELF. THANK GOD I FINALLY DID IT.

WHAT THE [ __ ] IS WRONG WITH ME? JUST DRIVE OFF. You go back to your little shitty [ __ ] apartment and you had to blow it up quietly so none of your neighbors heard.

Just like Then he got excited, started going a little faster and just watching this thing slowly coming to life just like right and then you've wrapped those rubber legs around YOU [screaming] AND GOD FORBID YOU GOT CAUGHT. YOUR ROOMMATE COMES WALKING IN. [ __ ] ABOVE ALL.

DUDE, YOUR LIFE WAS OVER. YOU HAD LIKE SIX MINUTES TO GET YOUR MOM ON THE PHONE LIKE, "MOM, I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE ME AGAIN. DON'T BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE SAID TO MOMMY.

I'M SO SORRY. I'M GOING TO ALASKA. " OH, GOD.

GOD. CLICK. THAT WAS IT.

You moved to Alaska. That was No one ever saw you again. And that's WHY TO THIS DAY, IF YOU GO TO ALASKA, there's like eight men for every two women.

YEAH.