you could be the best person for the job the best potential romantic partner or the best friend that anyone could ever ask for but if you can't communicate and connect you'll continually be passed over hi ladies welcome or welcome back to the feminine Universe I am so happy to have you here though nonverbal communication is often considered the most important form of communication a very close second is our ability to converse or communicate verbally with others now I completely understand why many people dread conversations and hate small talk it can feel forced it can feel
like a waste of time or it can just be plain awkward but I think by understanding the importance of it the concept becomes easier to grasp and you'll quickly realize the pros significantly outweigh the cons conversations make people feel comfortable and connected I can't think of a single area in life where that won't be useful it's such a beneficial skill to have and you ladies have let me know that you want to go more in depth on how to be a better conversationalist so that's exactly what we're going to get into today I'm going to
give you quite a few tips and examples to take your conversation game to the next level and without exaggeration that will improve pretty much every area of your life so let's just get started I want to start off by putting out a reminder that there are different kinds or different levels of conversation for the purposes of this video we'll focus mostly on small talk and more so Gateway conversations it's true that you may never see some of the people you engage in small talk with again but doing it anyway helps you practice for those handful
of interactions that really will matter for example casually chatting with strangers helps you get to the point where you can do it at a job interview and stand out from the pack instead of sounding like just another nervous robot so first things first we must understand that the backdrop for a conversation starts long before you open your mouth things like how you present yourself as well as your posture your gestures and your smile have so much to do with whether or not you even come across as someone people want to approach or be approached by
so make sure you look presentable we already know this over here but also make sure that you have a pleasant disposition don't wear a scowl all the time and say well my face is just like this fix it if when you smile you look more like you're in pain fix that too just practice relaxing your face in the mirror for five minutes a day until you've got it also make sure you aren't constantly crossing your arms or fidgeting or tapping your foot endlessly you don't want to come off mean or miserable or like a caged
animal looking for an escape you want to give off warmth confidence and openness next except that you will have to practice I don't want to create any illusion that you'll listen to this once and be perfect at it while I will give you some great tools to build up your skills the only real way to get better at something is to do it repeatedly a recipe will probably come out much better the 50th time you've made it than it did the first time so if you put your foot in your mouth or something goes awkwardly
as you first start trying to be a better conversationalist don't use that as an excuse to stop or give up keep working on it I sincerely used to be so anti-social in a colloquial Way by choice while I loved talking to my family and friends I would go out of my way to avoid other people and say as little as possible when I couldn't avoid conversations altogether which is very common for introverts but after I really started to understand psychology and the power of human interactions as well as how many connections and benefits I was
missing out on I made a conscious decision to become a better conversationalist though I was pretty decent in a few months it took me about a year to get really comfortable and about two years before making conversation became second nature and by that I mean getting to the point where I could make conversation with anyone with basically zero preparation from my peers to my bosses to professors men strangers on the train and so on I found myself being able to start acing interviews more easily making friends parlaying my way into extensions for assignments or around
other rules when I needed it and making grown man blush and stutter so please keep practicing and don't give up just be because the first few weeks or months are hard you can do this next we have to understand that there's a time and place for everything the rules that apply in one place may not necessarily apply in another different things are considered appropriate in different cultures and societies you'll speak differently to your sister or your best friend over drinks then you'll speak to your boss my conversations with people from loud expressive cultures and backgrounds
go a little bit differently than with those from more subdued backgrounds who take a little longer to warm up so take every tip with a grain of salt and always consider the environment the culture and the expectations of those around you next make sure you master the basics of speech there are three Basics that we should all have mastered so that people will even want to continue a conversation with us because when you don't have these three things down even if what you're saying is valuable it's not pleasant to listen to and those three things
are volume pace and Clarity people often ask me about perfecting their voice or speaking in a certain way while I don't think there's anything wrong with training your voice if you want to I don't think it's necessary the variety in our voices is beautiful and keeps things interesting so while I don't think we all need to sound the same I do think we should all focus on speaking at a comfortable volume which is not too loud or not too low just appropriate for the location and occasion no one wants you yelling in their ear and
no one wants to have to keep saying I'm sorry could you repeat that I'm sorry what did you say because you're Whispering so quietly also master or reasonable Pace don't speak so fast that you sound frantic and hyperactive but also don't take an hour to get a sentence out if you don't have some sort of speech impediment which of course most people will make an exception for and of course speak with Clarity there are some people who speak and you can't tell where one word ends and another begins it's all jumbled it's unclear and you're
spending half of the conversation trying to make out what they're saying because they're mumbling and it's scrambled and you just get to the point where you're like okay get me out of this conversation because it's taking too much effort to keep up with this person now if you're not sure how you sound record yourself and play it back to get an idea of how your volume pace and Clarity are and if you don't like how it sounds practice until your playbacks sound reasonably comfortable and possess these three Basics Next I would say don't be afraid
to initiate if you think this sounds crazy hear me out initiating actually gives you a little bit of the upper hand in certain conversations you get this automatic credit for being warm and confident you also usually end up having to speak less as many people are just looking for an opening to talk so once you open that door they'll be more than happy to walk through it and carry the conversation one of the easiest non-intimidating ways to initiate is just by getting comfortable giving out simple greetings depending on how formal your environment is there is
an etiquette structure on who initiates conversations or who addresses whom like young people should greet Elders men should greet women and subordinates should greet bosses or higher ranking officials but most environments these days aren't even aware of or aren't too tied to this and you can initiate with a simple greeting regardless just things like hi hello hi there hey there good morning good evening how's it going these are great with everyone but they really go a long way with neighbors or someone you always see on your daily commute for example and allows you to build
a slow Rapport it's not I want to be my friend or hi tell me your life story it's just an easy low stakes place to start and potentially build a connection another thing you can do is to focus on a goal or a feeling if you always find yourself completely lost on where to go with conversations try using the method of focusing on a goal or a feeling if you're in a business setting and you want to partner with someone or maybe land a position focus on that goal and tell yourself by the end of
this conversation I want to understand exactly what this person is looking for in a business partner or exactly what this person is looking for to fill this position so at the end when they ask if you have any questions you're not going to say nope everything seems clear and blend in with the rest of the pack that they've interviewed you're going to ask something like if you were building your perfect executive assistant or your perfect business partner from scratch what three traits would you be sure they had not only does something like this convey that
you truly want to understand their needs it allows them to reveal their Possible Pain points where a previous colleague may have let them down and then you can share your experience and skills in a way that says I can meet your specific needs now if it's just a social conversation and there's no particular goal you can either make one up like I'm going to find out if they have a pet or how many siblings they have by the end of the conversation this gives you a loose idea of how to steer the conversation if there
are any walls or gaps you can also focus on creating a specific feeling which is really the most important thing we all remember what Miss Maya Angelou taught us right people might forget what you say but they'll always remember how you made them feel so do you want to make this person feel seen and heard then be attentive and reiterate points that they're making back to them do you want them to laugh and feel Carefree then be a little silly and create a quick little inside joke do you just want them to feel good about
themselves and have this little pep in their step for the rest of the day then pay them some genuine Compliments by giving yourself a broad goal to achieve or feeling to create you'll have a bit of direction to work with but also leave enough room for the conversation to go in a different direction if that happens organically and if you can make people feel good and cared about in these smaller conversations that may be what opens the door to deeper conversations and bigger opportunities another technique is to listen and build like I said I have
noticed that a lot of people actually love to talk once they get going but they just need help getting started or they need a reason to keep talking getting people to talk about themselves is usually the easiest thing to keep them talking about because it's what they know the most about you can get someone to keep talking by learning to ask open-ended and follow-up questions I call this listening and building because it's based off of really listening or actively listening and absorbing what the person is saying and then using that to keep building the conversation
this sounds kind of obvious but sometimes especially when someone is very nervous or awkward they can come into a conversation over prepared with mental index cards of what they want to say or ask but if you come prepared to talk to someone about their charity but they seem super happy and engaged to talk about a trip they took you've got to be able to shift from what you have prepared and go with what they're genuinely happy to talk about at least until there's an appropriate opening for your prepared remarks so if someone's like raving about
this restaurant they went to and you're asking them about their glasses is going to kill the fluidity of the conversation you also want to use the building part so you don't abruptly end conversations that could have gone just a little longer and a little more smoothly and created just a little more connection let's do a quick side by side or versus exercise a typical conversation can go something like this it's Friday you see your co-worker Jim on the way out and you say hey Jim any fun plans for the weekend he says something like skiing
or hiking and you just say nice have fun conversation over and you go on your way we hear these types of conversations all the time now listening and building could look something like this hey Jim any fun plans for the weekend now he tells you hiking or skiing by himself or with his family now you can say oh I didn't know you ski is this a new hobby of yours or have you been doing this a while now he can tell you you if it's a new thing at which point you can ask how he
got into it or if he's been doing it a while he can say I've been skiing since I was a kid or I got into it in college and you can say wow it's so interesting to know what you get up to outside of here have an awesome ski trip or have an awesome hike see you Monday now the conversation is actually only a minute or two longer but it feels so much smoother and connected instead of choppy and abrupt and even if he says something more standard like he's going to spend the weekend binging
a few Netflix shows by himself or with the wife and this situation I'd have to say something like oh I'm still re-watching shows from five years ago I definitely need some new shows in my life are you guys watching anything that you'd recommend this allows him to share or give recommendations which always makes people feel good important and they're also comfortable because it's something they have no problem explaining or talking about you can do this with anyone with basically any topic or interest listen to what they're saying and build on that and this leads right
into another conversational nugget which is to amplify their expertise whether that's allowing someone to speak on what they're good at or what they really enjoy from things like asking about their recipes Fitness fashion life advice their Decor or travel recommendations and so on listen and build and then amplify their expertise where possible the next tip I will recommend is to stick to Safe subjects I'm sure this goes without saying but when striking up or participating in conversations you'll want to be sure to stick to Safe conversation subjects like Hobbies travel food and so on and
to avoid touchy subjects like politics religion money and intimacy as you converse with someone you also want to look for common ground think about how you feel when you find out someone is from your country or Hometown or went to the same College as you even though these things don't necessarily tell you much about who they are as a person in that moment it makes you feel connected to that person and you want to use that to your advantage as well there are two main types of Common Ground common facts like being from the same
place or having done some of the same things and common experiences which is tied to the moment you're sharing right now like being at the same party and commenting on that dealing with the same weather or witnessing the same strange behavior in the grocery store and looking at each other like did you just see that all of that establishes Common Ground you also want to remember to talk about yourself minimally bragging or talking about yourself too much in any way is typically viewed as Unbecoming and one of the easiest ways to turn people off so
you want to talk about yourself in a reasonably minimal way there are quite a few benefits to not talking too much especially not about yourself and the first one is that people actually get to feel more connected the more they share with you not the more you share with them and this tip allows that to happen it also has the side effect of making them want to know more about you over time if this is someone you're going to be interacting with going forward now I'm not saying to be ridiculously secretive or seem like you're
an undercovered detective or like you're in witness protection but find small or quick ways to share and then tie it back to them if they tell you they have a dog or cat you can say oh she's so cute I have a dog too what kind is yours very simple strategy there and this allows the conversation to kind of volley back and forth with them getting a little more talking time than you do next technique is to learn to master silent or quiet agreement one of the more annoying conversational habit is someone who consistently interrupts
even if it's just to agree so by mastering silent or quiet agreement it lets the person know you are there with them you're paying attention but doesn't cut off their speech so they can keep making their point or telling their story a few modes of Silent agreement that I like to use are nodding which notes that I agree or they can continue an eyebrow raise when something is surprising or again keep going I'm enthralled covering the face where it's just like oh my gosh I can't believe that the turn away laugh when I turn my
head to the side a little bit and give a laugh or a chuckle this also gives a little time to break eye contact and kind of regroup pinching the bridge of my nose is another one if I'm just like I can't believe you said that I can't believe that happened or something is exasperating and I'm trying to share in that emotion I'll pinch the bridge of my nose and shake my head so learn little gestures or create a few of your own that convey the feelings without actually having to interrupt next you want to remember
to not only be present but remain present a lot of people know to be present at the beginning of a conversation but may not realize that they get distracted or check out a little bit as the conversation goes on so just check in with yourself self and make sure you're keeping natural eye contact maybe incorporating light touches like high fives fist bumps or arm tops or inserting their name once or twice throughout the conversation if you know it and also giving a few well-placed compliments Compliments are great conversation starters but they're also great to use
throughout a conversation it can go beyond things like great shoes or great dress like if they say something clever you can say oh that's a good one I'm going to be using that going forward which is complementing their wit a bit you also want to utilize repetition as a way to be present so kind of repeating back or summarizing what they've said to you something like so you're telling me you've been on the slopes since you were three and really emphasizing that or making them repeat themselves once in a while to highlight a point someone
recently told me that they go to the gym at 4 00 am so during that conversation I said wait wait wait wait wait you go to the gym when and she laughed and repeated 4 am and I said that is impressive I really respect that so just stopping to savor the little nuggets or share that you're absorbing them or letting them re-share them is a great way to utilize repetition of course be authentic and keep it real throughout conversations don't say that you like things that you don't or don't laugh like a maniac when it
isn't that funny of course you should give a smile or chuckle for effort don't leave them hanging but don't overdo it don't act like you know a bunch about subjects you have no idea about all those sorts of things authenticity is one of the most appealing attractive human traits also remember to avoid the negatives to remain on good footing and have positive traits associated with with you you want to keep your conversations positive and avoid what I call the negatives the negatives include gossip swearing complaining debates and disagreements save the deeper more heated debates and
conversations for your close friends and family in the right place and time but when it comes to small talk we should be keeping it short light and relatively upbeat so if someone is making you uncomfortable with their topic choice or they're talking about someone and you don't want to be involved in that simply change the subject to something else or excuse yourself by saying oh I need to make a call or oh I'm going to check in with the hostess and see if she needs any help and just find your way out of it so
you're not associated with any of the negativity and lastly know how and when to end a conversation people tend to remember how things end more than how they started so even if a conversation started off shakily if you can end it well that can still leave you with all the brownie points as we've mentioned Small Talk should be light and quick so don't hold anyone hostage and you don't have to let anyone hold you hostage either the time limit is going to vary from about 5 to 15 minutes because it's going to be different if
you're chatting briefly with a total stranger in line at the store versus catching up with an acquaintance you sort of know at a dinner party but whenever the time comes to wrap things up here are a few ways you can do it bring up something from the conversation and wish them well with that kind of like what we did with Jim in the skiing or hiking example earlier well have a wonderful hype with your family see you Monday you can also mention that you have to touch base with others if you're at a a party
or other social event and someone is hogging your time I've shared that I like to use this one often I'd say I see a few people that I haven't said hello to yet I'm going to make the rest of my rounds so I don't get in trouble with anyone it was great talking to you or lastly just the Classic I really must get going it was great chatting with you for a bit take care or simply it was great chatting with you for a bit take care and just excuse yourself I hope that this has
helped to highlight why conversational skills are so important and made small talk a little less daunting and overwhelming and remember above all else practice makes perfect P.S the one kind of small talk we didn't really touch on today is flirting which I think is kind of a different ball game that can definitely be its own video I'm not sure where everyone is on The Dating Spectrum but feel free to let let me know if you're interested in seeing that and I can put it in the queue let me know your favorite conversation tips below and
help everyone else in the community out as well until next time ladies stay feminine stay focused and have fun
