[Applause] welcome one and all in here out there all around the world to The Late Show I'm your host Steven colar ladies and gentlemen everybody's excited I totally understand why youd be so excited you're you're joining us on an historic night following the incredible AFC Championship Game AFC championship of course often called the Super Bowl of finding out who will be in the Super Bowl this is uh this is we've only done this a couple times before this is a rare Sunday show for us so of course this morning my staff and I all went
to church together CBS is a family a family that occasionally cancels its children and then replaces them with a spin-off of one of their more successful children but just because tonight's game is over two hours ago doesn't mean you have to stop gambling there are plenty of parlays available here at the Late Show hot tip take the over on whether or not I have the greatest audience in the world yeah shout of that a little shout of that there you go that cheer just lost some kid their college savings another reason to cheer we survived
the first week of the second Trump Administration imagine imagine how good we'll feel when we survive the first week of the Third third Trump Administration Trump has been signing a lot of executive orders this week and Thursday he released a real Humdinger because he signed an order declassifying files on the JFK RFK and MLK assassinations this will be the biggest release of presidential Secrets since we found out what the b stands for in lynen B Johnson bananas b a n a n does not specify a release date for these files but once they come out
we're finally going to get a clear answer on the JFK assassination a tragic event that spawned Decades of conspiracy theories but once we read the files aam's Razer tells us the true answer will probably be the simplest one the CIA worked with Fidel Castro the mafia and the Dallas Police to train Russian Dolphins to swim up from the Gulf of Mexico through the sewers onto the grassy null where at the last second their teeny flipper mounted missile launchers were jammed By Radio interference from a nearby radio station playing the crystals Duo run run while at
the exact moment JFK died by choking on one of those tiny silica gel packets and say do not eat zuder was in on it and who benefited lynon bananas Johnson ladies and gentlemen remember the first rule of conspir piracies follow the monkey turns out Trump isn't the first president to release info on JFK's assassination Joe Biden also Declassified some documents though many remain redacted for example this one which reads President Kennedy redacted room full of PanAm stewardess trainees redacted baby pool of strawberry jam we'll never know one of the reasons that they have kept these
files secret so long is that intelligence agencies all say the threat to National Security outweighs public interest yes we cannot have our 60-year-old Secrets fall into the soviet's hands sir look at this apparently Americans are close to developing something called fax machine it will allow us to send Bor recipe with push of [Laughter] button if Trump's executive orders are upsetting you you're not alone he uh been pissing people off on a global scale Thursday he zoomed into to the world economic Forum in Davos Switzerland you know their slogan Davos you're too poor to hear our
slogan in a rambling address in a rambling address the president among other things blasted European regulation and trade policies while also renewing his promise for across theboard tariffs the only way to make Europeans angrier would have been to publicly shame the singing career of David Hasselhoff nine don't hassle the Hof German didn't know I spoke German did you once Trump once again threatened our neighbors to the north with tariffs Canada we have a tremendous deficit with Canada we're not going to have that anymore we can't do it it's it's I don't know if it's good
for them U as you probably know I say you can always become a state yes join us yes join us you syrup sucking freaks you you moose fondling iceholes you'll of course you'll need a new name you're right above Minnesota we'll call you Maxis soda okay W now there you go Trump also had this long ramble about how not winning the 2020 election was a good thing for him personally it turned out through a stroke of luck or whatever you might call it that I'm going to be president during the World Cup and the Olympics
and the 250th anniversary yes I'm also going to be an office for Wicked 2 no no spoilers please I hope that witch alphabet wins the Quidditch game the wizard The Wizard only offered her that job because of green Dei which is why she became Wicked and chose to defy gravity which was bad news for all the people of Narnia but I'll tell you I wouldn't kick that white Queen out of bed for eating Turkish delight if you know what I mean there's no place like home Trump also caught heat earlier in the week for his
threats to non-consensually acquire Greenland this past week at a press conference in the capital city of Nook great place for breakfast by the way their prime minister said unequivocally we do not want to be Americans okay we get it we're not perfect we've got some income in quality we've got gun violence bad health care but we we also have something called the Pop-Tarts Bowl where an anthropomorphized Pop-Tart gets toasted to death for our Amusement thank you for your sacrifice after his I could go I could go after his speech a reporter asked Greenland's prime minister
of Greenland had conveyed the message that it is not up for grabs directly to Trump you shouldn't have to convey that it's 2025 there aren't places still up for grabs uh uh hey is is this anybody's Peru it's Peru's Peru then why is it called Machu picu at the same time in a meeting of the European Parliament uh one dangers official pushed back on the president a little more directly dear president Trump listen very carefully Greenland have been part of the Danish Kingdom for 800 years it's an integrated part of our country it is not
for sale let me put it in words you might understand Mr Trump off oh damn son you just got skewed how's that taste I'm guessing like salty liquorish one of the first executive orders Trump signed this week was one officially creating Elon Musk brch child the department of government efficiency or doggy and I trust I'm mispronouncing that correctly and it looks like Elon found his first Target for trimming federal spending the US penny what Los the penny this is the worst thing that's ever happened to Abraham Lincoln but must logic is hard to argue the
penny costs over three cents to make and costs us taxpayers over 179 million in fiscal year 2023 and the mint produced over 4.5 billion pennies in fiscal year 2023 around 40% of the 11.4 billion coins for circulation produced it's true the mint has to keep making pennies because nobody uses them if you get them in your change you just put them in the giant wine jug you keep by the fireplace until one day it's buried with you like some low rent Pharaoh so I'm torn here on the one hand the penny is obviously an outdated
waste of money whose time is passed on the other hand I like it to decide what's the right thing to do let's flip a coin specifically a penny Okay so heads we ditch the penny Tails we keep the penny here it goes it's not worth picking up of course of course now that the AFC Championship is behind us we're on the countdown to the Super Bowl ads and we're already getting some really nice teasers for instance this week we saw this one of Drew Barrymore and Orlando bloom in a commercial for a cruise ship company
no offense to Orlando Bloom but if I wanted to be on a boat with a guy who knows way too much about legless I'd go fishing alone hey we're also getting a preview of an ad for Taco Bell featuring doic cat and the new live Moss drive-thru cams that take people's photos after they order Taco Bell great idea cuz everybody's first thought after grabbing their 1:00 a.m. hot bag of wet beans is I wish my loved ones Could See Me Now and if you love folks if you love those celebrity Super Bowl ads but don't
want to wait two weeks for them you're in luck because tonight the L show is proud to present the exclusive debut of this new star studded commercial Jim hello I'm Emmy and Tony awardwinning actor John litho if I know one thing it's how to imbue characters with the kind of depth that suggests a rich inner life but if I I know another thing it's that you can't drive hard to the hoop in a clown ass pair of basketball shoes that's why you need air lith goes with a lightweight upper Max Zoom cushioning and reinforced midsole
you'll be breaking ankles and making suckers cry more than Terms of Endearment no other shoe features pressure mapped angle support hex Force heel and souls featuring the range of my work in both comedy and drama when I played Churchill on the crown I held nothing back just like you'll hold nothing back when you get on the court wearing air lith goes hang on who am I kidding I shouldn't be selling basketball shoes I've got nothing to do with basketball this is a mistake huh fake out see that's how good you'll be juking fools in air
lithos Rock meet Rim available at all remaining grum shoe circus locations we got a great show for you tonight my guest is Dion Sanders when we come back meanwhile join us won't you [Applause] [Music] [Music] a [Music] [Applause]
