Eddie Izzard - Dress To Kill Show in1999.

[Music] san francisco town city of gleaming spies people live here golden gate bridge ah the romans came here they built buildings with things ducks cows cows who look weird and convicts criminal elements and san francisco is no exception criminals Who look quite ordinary but are more criminal than you could ever guess are taken in their prison transportation down down towards alcatraz once a native american paradise where people worshipped the gods of the native americans but now are present as the god tightens the chains and signals to the people of alcatraz to the prison wardens Of

alcatraz prisoners coming prisoners coming the torture here there he tightens the chains keeps them tight as the man on the back says no no more drugs for you mate you can't afford any till tuesday yes drugs are rife everyone here is in for a big old crime the woman in red here she's in for stealing hubcaps What a hellish crime this woman here will never see her family again no they've been sent somewhere but they try to keep their spirits up try to keep laughing gallows humor yes it happens in all prisons alcatraz as the

fbi agent in the background takes photos of likely troublemakers the guard signals again for god's sake alcatraz prisoners prisoners coming Coming now prisoners business coming coming coming from [Music] people holding on to bananas as more drugs money is exchanged for favors and drugs mainly the fbi woman takes a close-up photo of somebody's kneecaps how tight can chains be pulled for god's sake man alcatraz i started here in 65 And now i got 30 years a few months [Music] in the 30 years i've been here found out people from even russia and all the places they're

all the same freddie dingo there a few wise words from him fbi agent looks on as a woman in red stares the prisoners are led off off to alcatraz As special fbi agents check that prison transportation vehicle to make sure no one is sneaked inside and sellotaped themselves to the ceiling or hidden underneath disguised as a wheel freddy and jeff stinger here famous bank robbers being taken to alcatraz at the end of their life alcatraz in the sun it's almost pretty it's got a lighthouse it's got a big thing at the Back that looks like

a monster but no it's alcatraz one's an island paradise now a penitentiary tonight show is brought to you by the prisoners of alcatraz [Music] [Applause] [Music] in heels as well yeah yes i'm a professional transvestite so i can run about in heels and not fall over Because you know if women fall over wearing heels uh that's embarrassing but if a bloke falls over wearing heels then you have to kill yourself you know it's the end of your life it's quite difficult so san francisco not san fran no apparently not i didn't know that you know

i would have said san francisco no don't like sound trap no [ __ ] Or what's the other one you know frisco you don't like that either [Music] and and you're a city of snakes i see as well everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bags [Music] no other cities have snakes as much as you you seem to i've been in new york no [ __ ] snakes paris no snakes london no snakes san Francisco full of [ __ ] snakes we did that at school so you call it the city [Applause]

okay so and you don't tell tourists about uh uh about the weather in july and august oh they're all going around in summer shirts going jesus christ i can't see i can't see fog there's fog and it really shifts it your fog john Carp i saw john carpenter's film the fog i've seen it a few times and and that fog shifts it and i thought well you know that's hollywood that's fog you know moving fast but your phone is that sweet could be late due to to get in someone's face somewhere you know it runs

down the road doesn't it [Music] yeah faster than the [ __ ] taxis Of which there are five [Applause] i don't know what that's about you're a no taxi city are you five taxis all going now i've got people in [Music] and then when you get in they don't know where they're going i had to tell the guy get in the back i'll drive he's sitting back going well i i don't Know yeah i've only lived here four million years but cable cars they're fun everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey no one

talks on a cable car they just hang and stare and the guy in the front no steering wheel at all just going what the [ __ ] pulling levers levers is it four levers that just do [ __ ] all is it and he's always ringing that bell going Helping endless bell ringing what is he hunchback and notre dame no bells him and the guy from the stock market the same person i think the end of the stock market they always ring a bell it's the same bell no yes never link those two together again

yes so um i was going to be in the army when i was a kid yes and i say that people go oh No i was i was going to be the army when i was a kid because because if you're transvestite you're actually a male tomboy that's where the sexuality is yeah it's not it's not drag queen no gay men have got that covered and uh this is male tomboy and people do get that mixed up they put transvest out there no no a little bit of a crowbar separation thank you and gay men

i think would agree and uh it's male lesbian that's really where it Is because it's true because most transvestites fancy girls so fancy women so that's where it is so running jumping climbing trees putting on makeup when you're up there that's where it is and i used to keep all my makeup in the squirrel hole up the tree and uh and the squirrel keep makeup on one side and they keep nuts on the other side and sometimes i get up that tree that Squirrel will be covered in makeup [Music] [ __ ] off he seemed

to say and they always eat squirrels always eat nuts with two hands always two hands occasionally they stop and go as if they're going did i leave the gas on no i'm no i'm a [ __ ] squirrel [Applause] and occasionally they go [ __ ] nuts Fed up with them always along for a grapefruit yeah so that's very much like the army and the running jumping climbing trees is not the squirrel bit the trees bit and i was i was into a lot of the army stuff which is the running jumping standing still found

you ah flag look hat you know bang i liked all that stuff the gun thing i like blowing up milk bottles you Know kill the milk books blowed milk bottles yes so it seemed fun there's a thing of power in your hands because there's all this national rifle association and everyone in america is i mean 13 year olds keep going out and they borrow they get hold of weapons by going to their grandfather's arsenal i'll boil the howitzer the m16 machine gun the uzi that what the [ __ ] the grandfather doing This kid down

in arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons and went and blew away his school you know and there is they say the national rifle association says that guns don't kill people uh people do but i think i think the gun helps you know i think it helps i just think just standing there going bang that's not going to kill too many people is it you'd have to be really dodgy on the Heart to have that bang bang boom bang rattata boom i think they should just try that you know but uh yeah

shooting clay pigeons i think yeah go for that shooting clay pigeons are [ __ ] yeah come round your house whiz through they do nothing they don't even eat flies you know spiders eat flies so they're all right you know spiders keep them you know Flies don't eat [ __ ] all so kill them and clay pigeons everyone shoots them in the air wait till they land then go up the clay pigeon much easier yeah so i didn't join the army as you might have noticed and um and uh yeah because there's not much makeup

in the army is that no they only have that nighttime look and that's a bit slapdash isn't it And they look a mess and so you can't join even though the american armed forces have a distinct policy of don't ask don't tell towards the alternative sexualities if you're like wearing a lot of makeup you know i don't think they need to ask really and so you can't join they go no no you can't wrong shade of lipstick the army i'm afraid and they're missing a huge opportunity here because we all know one of the main

Elements of attack is the element of surprise so what could be more surprising than the first battalion transvestite brigade airborne wing the airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup and a fantastic gun and the opposing forces going [ __ ] out look at these guys they've got guns they've got guns jesus Where's my gun booger i was so surprised were you surprised i was surprised anyway so yeah so dude and yeah also if you're transvestite you get lumped into that weirdo grouping you know that there was a guy in the bronx when i

was in new york there's a guy in the bronx he was living in a cave like you do and uh and he was coming out and he was Shooting at geese and a lot of weird things going on with this guy and they found in this cave the police picked him up they found a collection of women's shoes and they thought well maybe he's a transvestite and if he is he's a [ __ ] weirdo transvestite i'm much more in the executive transvestite travel the world yes it's much more executive like j edgar hoover what

a [ __ ] he was they found out when he died he was a Transvestite and they go well that explains his weird behavior yeah [ __ ] weirdo transvestite executive transvestite it's a lot a lot wider community more wide than you'd think yes and um i grew up in europe where the history comes from and oh yeah you tear your history down man 30 years old let's smash it to the floor And put a car park here i have seen it in stories i saw you know something in them uh a program on something

in miami and they were saying we've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago people are going no surely not no no one was alive then well we got tons of history lying about the place big old castles and we and they just get in the way we're driving Oh [ __ ] cars i have to drive around because disney came over and built uh euro disney which and and they they built you know the disney castle there and then everyone you better make it a bit bigger they've actually got them here

[Applause] and then they're not made of plastic we got tons of them because you think we all live in castle and we do all living castles we all got a castle each we're Up to here with [ __ ] castles we just long for a bungalow or something and i grew up in the 70s when there was a it was it was a period of you know the careers advisor used to come to school and and he used to get the kids together and say look i advise you to get a career what can i

say that's it and he took me aside he said what you want to do here what you want to do tell me tell me your dreams i want to be a space astronaut go out of space discover Things that have never been discovered he said look you're british so scale it down a bit all right all right i want to work in a shoe shop discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the back of the shop on the left and he said look you're british so scale it down a bit all right all

right i want to work in a sewer then discover sewage that no one's ever discovered and pile it on my head and then come to the surface and sell myself To an art gallery he said what the [ __ ] have you been smoking eh certainly haven't been smoking in a bar in california because you can't no no smoking in bars now and soon no drinking and no talking be careful california you're supposed to be the crazy state they're out there wild ones you know in the future everyone's gonna say come down the library we'll

have a wild time shall we [Music] don't know where that [ __ ] book is made it could be anywhere there's a lot of them about yeah so so yes so uh that was it there was a spirit of ex-empire this thing of things can't be done whereas in america i always felt there was a spirit of can be done the pioneer thing go do it what do you want to do i want to put babies on spikes go then go what a wonderful light it's american Dream hi i'm crazy eddie [Music] i put babies

on spike do you want to rack a baby we got babies on racks made taste of chicken they do babies taste the chicken cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken so babies must taste the chicken and chickens taste of humans good i'm glad you're coming with me on That yes so um this is all true and um so yeah so we had empires in europe we had empires everyone had france and spain and britain and and turkey the ottoman empire full of furniture for some reason and the austro-hungarian empire famous for [ __ ]

all yeah that's all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard And the german empire they organized always build an empire einstein build an empire they prussian then they'd celebrate with the world war and then lose the whole [ __ ] empire and the 30s hit the czechoslovakia poland france second world war russian front not a good idea hitler never played risk when he was a kid [Music] because you know playing risk you could Never hold on to asia that asian eastern european area you could never hold it could you seven extra

men at the beginning of every go but you couldn't [ __ ] hold it australasia that was the one australasia all the purples get everyone on papua new guinea and just build up and build up and hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire so that's fun I think that's funny because he was a mass murdering [ __ ] and that was his honeymoon as well double trouble hey ava let's marry and where should our honeymoon be well in a ditch covered in petrol fire i've already arranged it upstairs oh aromantic adolf

yes i thought fun what a bastard and he was a vegetarian and a painter so he must have been going I can't get the [ __ ] trees damn i will kill everyone in the world he was a mass murdering [ __ ] as many uh important historians have said and um but the other mass murders got away with it stalin killed many millions died in his bed well done there pol pot killed 1.7 million cambodians died under house arrest age 72. well done indeed and the reason we let them get away with it is

because they killed their own People and we're sort of fine with that now help yourself you know we've been trying to kill you for ages so you kill your own people right on that seems to be hitler kill people next door oh stupid man after a couple of years we won't stand for that will we and i paul park killed 1.7 million people we can't even deal with that i Think you know we think if somebody kills someone that's murder you go to prison you kill 10 people you go to texas they hit you with

a brick that's what they do 20 people you go to a hospital they look through a small window at you forever and over that we can't deal with it you know somebody's killed a hundred thousand people we're almost going well done well done you killed a hundred thousand people you Must get up very early in the morning i can't even get down the gym your diary must look odd get up in the morning death death death death death death death lunch yes death afternoon tea death death death quick shower you know so uh so i

suppose we're glad that pol pot's under house arrest you know 1.7 million people at least we know where he is and the house arrest just don't go in That [ __ ] house you know i know a lot of people who would love to be under house arrest they bring you your food you just stay here all right ah no no no no you've got any videos you know it's just sit there so and paul pop was a history teacher and hitler was a you know a vegetarian painter so mass murders come from the areas

you least expect it i don't know how the Flip comes over but it happens so yeah so there was a lot of that and we built up empires we stole countries that's how you build an empire we stole countries with the cunning use of flags yeah just sail around the world and stick a flag in i claim india for britain there go you can't claim us we live here 500 million of us do you have a flag We don't need a bloody flag which is our country you bastard no flag no country you can't have

one that's the rules that i've just made up and i'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the national rifle association that was it you know and queen victoria became empress of india she never even [ __ ] went there you know she was one of our more frumpy queens They're all frumpy aren't they because it's a bad idea when cousins marry bottom of the gene pool you know you're just scraping the barrel there we haven't got enough for any more you royals there sorry first rule of genetics spread the genes apart

you know but the roles are just obsessed with are you a royal family you raw member well then you can marry me because your same gene pool and our iqs Will go down the toilet fantastic that's why there's no you know crazy royals they're all kind of hello hello what do you do you're a plumber what an earth is that so yeah and the second world war after the second world war that's when all the empire sort of dissolves and uh we didn't we came first in the second world war but you know we were

financially [ __ ] by the end of the second world war because there was a period of time It was just us and the nazis and and they'd been making weapons for ages they'd head start we're going get the tanks i'd get that we haven't got any tanks get that ice cream van out there get it up kill all right i'll suck it man everything just throw everything at them just that's not harder orange fruities and zooms throw the zooms or [ __ ] off your bastard pots and pans get pots just throw the pots

and pans at them so by the time america came in because you were watching a u.s cavalry film because their used camry always comes in just towards the end of the film didn't learn it okay i love the smell of europe in the morning so how are you doing we were going [ __ ] It out where have you been [Applause] having breakfast so what's going on hey so america did well russia did well and and they deservedly so because half a million american soldiers died half a million british soldiers died and about 26 million

russian soldiers died soldiers and civilians and that's just 50 times as many it's just unfucking believable you know and no one mentions This this is just figures i discovered and that's very that's why they put up because i mean napoleon have been steaming in there you know 100 years before i am going to kill them gonna kill them i'm gonna go oh it's a bit cold isn't it right okay okay bad idea um and then hitler i've got a better idea got a better idea oh it's the same idea it's the same idea So no

wonder they set up the eastern bloc you know they wanted a buffer zone it wasn't fair but that's what they did so they're kind of you know that's where they're coming from there's about 20 million german nazi germans died but they did start it they did start that one and uh yeah so it was that and france hated the war because you know southern france was collaborating with the germans Embarrassing so since then they've been kind of spiky and kind of french and i'm very positive on the french i my family way back was french

so i'm just yeah i go with it but they are kind of [ __ ] french at times all of europe you must do this well we're not gonna we're gonna have a sandwich and germany and japan they do seem to have a natural instinct uh in a very generalized way for organization and and Being military but you know there's a very strong green party there now there's kids with beards it's getting okay and uh i just think that japan and germany should be the the the the peacekeepers of the world they should be parachuted

in whenever something breaks out parachutes germans japanese and who go look we've done this before we've done the killing hello take it from us just chill chill out all right and that they organize peace really Efficiently really quickly all right peace peace peace peace is organized it'd be brilliant if they could do that's their destiny man yeah and italy invented fascism in 1922 mussolini said right we're all fascists but most italian people are always on scooters going ciao [Applause] and they're into football in life and they're not fascists you know he said we're all fascists

all right No helmet on all those 50s films like roman holiday it's just like that everyone's just cool and hangs out so after the second world war the whole you know world wars come on europe give these countries back come on you know we've got a bloody war let's give them back britain what what's that behind your back oh it's indian a number of other countries give them back oh all right there's that One there's that falcon islands oh we need the falkland islands for strategic sheep purposes [Applause] yeah and then it was a case

of no empire no longer but in in america it was different the founding fathers landed in 16 they set off from plymouth and landed in plymouth how lucky is that this is plymouth [Applause] we just come from plymouth we've gone around the circle that's back on the bus they finally got they said ah this is where our goddess brought us to we can we can practice our religion here we can raise a family there's nobody here excuse me there's nobody here yes a land empty of human exister who the [ __ ] are these guys

what's all this please No we don't want any of your food thank you very much just put some clothes on meanwhile meanwhile that winter excuse me do you have any food i love all this lovely idea yes i'm sorry a bit brusque when we first arrived we didn't realize you owned the entire country but you have no system of ownership interesting um Maybe that can come in useful later food thank you very much very nice yes there's more of us coming but we all keep our promises so the american government lied to the native americans

for many many years and then president clinton lied about a relationship and everyone was surprised a little naive i feel when we were kids we laid our heads off i didn't do it i was i wasn't i was dead at the time I was on the moon with steve and your dad's going i haven't even accused you of anything yes oh all right what what what's the ques did you brush your teeth no yes which what's correct any what yeah i was dead at the time then when you're more mature you do start telling the

truth in odd situations i'm sorry i've broken a glass i've broken this is that an expense i'll I've broken i'll pay for that i'm sorry and you do that so that people in the room might go what a strong personality that person has i like to have sex with people with strong personality and i broke other things i've smashed that and and that's gone and i've just thrown the cat out the window and yeah so but you know perjury um you know if you commit perjury i don't care don't Give a [ __ ] i

don't think you should because you grade murder you have murder one murder two you realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder so there must be a difference in level of poetry perjury one is when you're saying there's no holocaust when you know 10 million people have died in it and perjury nine is when you said you shagged someone when you didn't you know so yeah so so in america the native american Situation and with slavery didn't do very well and in in europe now we've got a new thing the european

union 500 million people 200 languages no one's got a clue what they're saying to each other but it's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinary boring way because 15 different we've got 15 different countries in the european union at the moment and trying to get Them to decide anything is a little bit but well oh no back up you oh you're in i'm oh you're with him and for 18 years we had a government in britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards europe was one of no no no no i

can't [Applause] now we've got a government whose policy is much more bonjour [Applause] Britain needs to be in the driving seat of europe in the driving seat or in the passenger seat that's pretty good you know because then you can take a sleep for a bit are we there yes you know uh at the moment britain isn't even in the european car we're outside the car at the traffic lights going we're gonna clean your windows all right [Applause] yes and we had the pagans in britain Because you didn't really have the pagans here you had

the native americans and it was much more of a warrior aboriginal type existence and we had the pagans they were into sex death and religion in an interesting nighttime telly type of way we had the druids long white robes long white beards early transvestites didn't get their shaving together and they built stonehenge one of the biggest hinges in the world No one's built a henge like that ever since no one knows what the [ __ ] a henge is before stonehenge there was woodhenge and strawhands but uh but a big bad wolf came and blew

him down and three little piggies were relocated to the project but they built stonehenge and it's built in an era in an area called salisbury Plain in the south of england and the area of souls we play where they built it is very ah because that's good you know it's a mystical thing build it in a mystical area you don't want to build it in an area [Music] there you build trump tower um but yeah so they built it there and the stones the stones are 50 foot high 30 Foot long 20 foot deep and

other measurements as well and the stones are not from round there that's the amazing thing i mean remember this is bc this is before the bcad changeover when everyone was going you didn't have to wind your watch back you had to get a new bloody watch well it's a.d is it now [ __ ] the muslim people going hey d who's he Yes good laugher and uh so yeah the stones are from 200 miles away in wales so these guys in wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain fantastic building a

henge are we that's a fantastic idea it's a marvelous religion the droids have got yes a lot of white clothing i like that there we go they smash out a huge stone And then they put tree trunks down to roll it along all right walk it along here we go here we go help you push them along all right it's not far is it and the druid's going heave everyone heave well done everyone you're doing very well you all love it when you see it i've seen some of the drawings already it's very special after

200 miles you [ __ ] bastards you Never told us 200 miles 200 miles in this day and age i don't even know where i live now i wish that christians would hurry up and get here and they set all the stones up and the droid's still there tinkering around going you know that stone and this one can we swap them around so that was the pagans and then the romans came along with their gods that they'd borrowed from the greeks they Invaded greece and conquered them and and stole all their gods and renamed them

with roman names uh because the roman gods before that were kind of crap you know jeff the god of biscuits and simon the god of hairdos and uh you know they're the god of war they've got to thunder the god of running around and jumping and stuff and oh let's get some of those thank god they've got some gods because we had These crap gods yes the emperor fabulous put that into operation and uh there should have been an emperor fabulous shouldn't there i am the emperor fabulous oh yes there you are yes and my

son fabulous ii and him really really interesting guys so yeah and the greeks the romans they went christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years you know catholicism we believed in the teachings of cathol and everything he stood then henry viii came along henry the big hairy king um and uh he said to the pope the head of the catholic church mr pope i'm going to marry my first wife and then i'm going to divorce her now i know what you're going to say but stick with me my story gets better i'm going

to marry my second wife and Then i'm gonna kill her cut her head off ah i'm not expecting that are you third wife gonna shoot her fourth wife put her in a bag fifth wife into outer space six wife on a rotisserment seventh wife made out of jam eighth wife and the post going you crazy bugger you can't do all this what are you a mormon you can't marry all these people that's illegal you can't do all that i'm the pope i'm head of the church i have to keep Upstairs what have you been reading

the gospel according to saint bastard so henry viii who was uh sean connery for this film well then i will shut up a new religion in this country i will i will set up the the religion the psychotic bastard religion and an advisor said why not call it church of england so church of england so much better Even though i am scottish myself so they did that's the birth of church of england the birth of the anglican church disgusting eh that's no basis to start a religion on nothing to do with the protestant church i

mean henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries you know rape pillage rape and pillage that is the protestant faith was different that started um well probably around the similar time but That was about martin luther this german guy who pinned a note on a church door saying hang on a minute but in german so iron man newton bitter a harbour einen kleinen problemo avec he was from everywhere so yeah so and so the protestant faith was sort of tacked on you know by elizabeth the

first a bit later some principles thank god they've got some principles Nowadays church of england's much more hello how are you much more of a hobby type hello a lot of people in church of england have no muscles in their arms hello yes that's what i thought do come in you're the only one today now the sermon today is taken from a magazine i found that i found in a hedge now uh lipstick colors this uh season are in the frosted pink area And uh nail colors to match and this reminds me rather of our

lord jesus because surely when jesus went into nazareth on a donkey he must have got tarted up a bit we will now sing for him 405 oh god what on earth is uh is my hairdo all about [Music] there's something weird something phenomenally dreary about christian singing the gospel singers are the only Singers that just go crazy go enjoy us and it's [ __ ] amazing and it's born out of kidnapping imprisonment slavery murder all of that and this joyous singing and the church of england well all the sort of christian religions with with which

is mainly caucasian white people with all the power and money enough power and money to make solomon blush and they were singing oh god [Music] uh hope for years they're the only group of people that could sing hallelujah without feeling like it's a hallelujah [Music] [Applause] joyfully [Music] [Applause] no it's it's just not kicking is it you know God must be up must be up there going what nerds is that god who is james mason on earth is that jesus jesus christ what is that don't take my name in vain dad jeezy crazy what an

episode don't call me jeezy crazy look dad i went down there i told them to hang out be groovy drink a bit of wine they split into different groups you got the catholics the protestants The jesuits are methodists the evangelicals the free presbyterians the locked up presbyterians the quakers the bakers the candlestick makers the mormons are from marsdab we've had it checked on and what does the holy ghost think of all this oh he's useless dad got a sheet over his head these days oh holy ghost holy ghost Holy ghost this is not an episode

of scooby-doo [Applause] i would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky god and jesus fellas khashoggi and scooby are interesting characters they're two of the most major characters in american literature because and i mean this sincerely and i think it's fantastic because they are cowards they are cowardly characters they believe in cowardice and sandwiches And uh and can you think of any in the whole realms of the english-speaking literature that are characters like that cowardly characters that you identify with because you identify with you're with them all the way go shaggy go scooby the

rest of the guys who drive the van [ __ ] scrappy do a magnum [Music] Thank you grandad well remember but shaggy and scooby the only other character i mean tell me now if you can think of any other character because i'm i'm willing to learn but somebody mentioned falstaff a shakespearean character it's that level of greatness falstaff is account you sort of identify with him but he has a melancholy with him but shag and scooby are upbeat all the time And you love them you're with them there's part of us that's shaggy and scooby

at every stage of the way so if you travel around the world and you know because your american foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world two tricks one so you're canadian that helps and um it is it works in europe it's very good and the second is uh just say shaggy scooby School international credit card i think you're fine so yeah so the pagan the pagan religion i don't know a huge amount about but it was this earthy thing but the chris the christianity had split into many different areas

catholicism still has the fire and brimstone boom boom boom boom row your bastard you know original sin what a hellish Idea that is people haven't got a father bless me for i have sinned i i did an original sin i poked a badger with a spoon i've never heard of that one before five hail marys and two hello dollies all right [Applause] bless me father for i slept with my next-door neighbor's wife heard it i want an original sin oh i'm terribly sorry The angled on faith doesn't have that you never go vicar i have

done many bad things so have i what shall i do well drink five bloody marys and uh you won't remember and because we the island faith has a lack of had a lack of principles for a long time you can't get really headstrong about it you can't you can't say you know like the the the islamic jihads that we hear about we get scared About the islamic jihad i think we do assume that everyone who is into the islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day there's a lot of very relaxed islamic people

and we've got to understand and remember this it's very important and we do assume that jihads are just like you know every day three jihads are just issued by every individual it just seems they're everywhere the fruit shop short change me a [ __ ] jihad on them Bump into someone say hey you [ __ ] jihad on you how many jihads you got going now dad well 24. god it's difficult to keep up with him i just don't think that's happening so um but you can't do that in church of england you can't say

you must have tea and cake with a vicar or you die you can't have extreme points of view you know the spanish inquisition wouldn't have worked with church of England talk will you talk but it hurts loosen it up a bit because that's what it would be tea and cake or death tea and cake or death tea and cake or death students with beer tea and cake or death tea and cake or death little red cookbook little red cookbook you know cause cake or death that's a pretty easy question everyone anyone can answer that cake

or death uh cake please very well Give him cake oh thanks very much it's very nice you cake or death uh cake for me too please very well give him cake too we're gonna run out of cake at this race [Applause] you cake or death uh death please no cake cake cakes okay you said death first ah No i meant cake oh all right you're lucky i'm church of england okay go death uh cake please well we're out of cake we only had three bets and we didn't expect such a rush so what do you

want what so my choice is or death well i'll have the chicken then please taste of human sir do you like a white wine there we go Thank you very much thank you for flying church of england cake or death uh i asked for the vegetarian i asked the vegetarian yes there we go mr hitler there we go like a little wine thank you very much you nazi [ __ ] so yes so the pagan religion had very big festivals remember on easter and christmas christian religion came along had very big vessels at issa and

Christmas jesus died on one and was born in the other [Applause] because jesus i do think did exist you know and uh he uh was i think a guy had interesting ideas in a ghandi type era in the um nelson mandela type you know relaxed and groovy and the romans thought relaxed and grooving no no no no um so they murdered him and Then kids eat chocolate eggs because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross well you tell me it's got nothing to do with it has it you

know people going remember kids the kids eating the chocolate eggs remember kids jesus died for your sins now it's great no no it's bad it's bad no it's bad it's very bad it's terrible Whatever you want i mean just keep giving me these eggs and the bunny rabbits where did they come into the crucifixion there were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going are you what you're going to put these crosses in our barns we live below this hill all right bunny rabbits are for shagging eggs off of fertility it's a vessel it's the

spring festival christmas time you know jesus uh born to A big jolly guy and a red jacket baby jesus and what would you like to christmas peace on earth and good will towards men well what about clockwork train oh yeah it's much better forget forget peace on earth i don't care and you know the christmas the fir tree that there's none of them in nazareth the partridge in a pear tree song was not sung at the last supper they weren't there going out of Partridge [Music] come on loosen up judas the seventh day of christmas

judy come on judy listener don't call me judy i've told you can you lend us a fiver judy i'm a bit short all right lads um leonardo da vinci's painting the picture all right so everyone get your positions here we go jesus why are you doing the big arms Thing i know i just thought i'd do a big arms thing i don't know well i'm going to do a big arms thing as well yeah me too i quite like the big arm look we can't all do big arms we'll look like a squadron of spitfires

for [ __ ] sake i'll do big arms and you just look at me and go oh he's doing big arms all right leonardo have you got that one have you got the painting all right now a fun one As well remember that partridge in a pear tree song the only bit we like of it is that [Music] [Music] you know the rest of it we don't know about above that so 12 monkeys mating 11 donkeys dancing 10 pygmies farming nine socks are swimming and five this is a human thing we only like to learn

a little bit of a song we can't be bothered The american national anthem i've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle because you start strong and you're finished wrong with the middle bits a bit and fish in the sky and a big monkey i've seen guys up there halfway through just losing him what the [ __ ] is it i came second i'm from turkey i don't know do you want some furniture but in britain we don't win many gold Medals at the olympics because we've chosen not to it's a political statement because we

hate our national anthem because it's god save the queen you see god save the queen now the queen lives in a very big house she has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that that's one saved [ __ ] queen i'll tell you that's the problem she's overly saved she has no idea of the struggle of human Existence we have to work for a living raise a family we don't have nannies all running around the place it's what you've got to do in your life you know and so it's god save the

queen no it's too saved it's gotta attack the queen that's what it should be god check the queen send big dogs after her that bite her bum let them chill [Music] that'd be fantastic then she'd have to fight the crazy dog with a with a Handbag with a brick inside a crazy dog crazy dog kill the queen no crazy dog and maybe she killed the crazy dog and everyone in britain would go yeah fair play to the queen kill the crazy dog and the queen would go have she would have self-respect for the first time

in her life yes it would work it'd be fantabulous but in america you don't win the gold medal i've seen it at the olympics you Stand their hand on the hearts you're you and the roman empire the only people who've ever done that so be very careful because you are the new roman empire you realize that there's no one else going because the other big power is of course china but they're a bit of a oh kind of thing you know you know a thousand million a thousand million but they're all bit they're just getting

ready and you're the roman empire yeah so you've got vomitariums and orgies to Look forward to let the president lead the way no one cares in america and oh i don't know anyways in europe we're just watching you going what are you doing because in france they wouldn't care and in britain they would get shot you know you know if the pres the prime minister have done something then everyone go [Music] can the government say what is happening on the recent affair by the prime Minister well the government would like to say thank you but

you do sing the national anthem i've seen you sing in the national anthem and i've worked out how to do it if you look if you're lost in the middle of it and you're singing the words you know because the tannoy systems are big stadiums you know it doesn't matter wherever you're singing it all that people care about is is the look because There's figures on this seventy percent of what people react to is the look you know it's how you look and there's about twenty percent how you sound and only 10 is what you

say so if you look good and sound good just up there going wow the big mouth the eyes are you said [Applause] and keep confirming and denying things Um uh oh yeah oh yeah uh i'm a i'm an action transvestite really you know um as well actually as well as being an executive transfer i'm an action transvestor because it's running jumping climbing trees you know so i went uh snowboarding when i was in aspen and and you look cool when you snowboard you just look cool you know you cannot but look cause you knelt a

[ __ ] plank of wood As long as you're vertical you're going hey and you look at the skiing it can be kind of cheap there's a lot of that stuff but this is just [Music] and uh and there's only two positions in snowboarding one is looking cool the second is dead right pow So i was looking cool and i was going 50 60 000 miles now and because you have no idea the police never pulled you over they never go whoa [Music] because the police need to be able to walk up to you in

that kind of condescending way okay sonny jim what do you think you're doing hey you know and they can't do that on a snowball because they have to go [Applause] your trail lights out uh and uh you've got no uh knees [Music] so anyway uh that didn't happen i didn't no i'm just going fast and i fell and i smashed my head and my head was fine but my neck went oh no oh no thank you so i had to go see a chiropractor in new york and um they're different to osteopaths chiropractors because of

the spelling And of course they're both very powerful figures on the scrabble board 93 letters chiropractic and and they uh they crack your bones that's what they do they crack your bones and they take x-rays but it's pointless because whatever's wrong with you you've got a bad back i gotta crack your bones you got diphtheria i'm gonna crack your bones your head's come off i'm gonna crack Your bones it looks like your mother i'm gonna crack it you know and then when they crack your bones go and then uh but not sort of ah but

ah all the way up to spying cucumbers cracker buns cracker bones and they sort of arrange you into a nice comfortable archers and sometimes it doesn't crack sometimes just because then they pull a mallet from their belt And the first make the noise make the noise a little noise oh no and they do your head as well around here and they get into a nice position and you're thinking where where no i don't think it's supposed to go around them in the end you just trust them you trust them they could have your fingers their

fingers in your nostrils one foot on the back of your underpants and they're pushing your spine away with A broom what what's this one all about i have no idea wherever he falls there shall he be buried also if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death you can say the magic words heimlich maneuver if you're just coughing you guys up hey you say hamlet maneuver and all will be well the trouble is it's very difficult to say heimlich maneuver When you're checking to death hyman's been removed you need it removed right get i

don't know how you remove a heiman um but uh yeah no heimlich maneuver developed by dr heimlich who woke up one night obviously and went her fist a hand lobster yes helder hilda wake up elder oh what is it dr heimlich why are you calling me dr heinrich i'm Your husband for [ __ ] sake loosen up don't be so bloody prussian well what is it gunter i have invented a maneuver what are you a bloody tank commander now no my name is going to be famous in restaurants i don't think he actually did that

way i don't think it was a wing and a prayer i think he must have experimented he was german organized okay hans i want you to Swallow this golf ball i cannot breathe i know you cannot breathe i will now make you breathe with the cunning use of i still cannot breathe okay maybe not maybe this one okay then maybe with a frying pan must be a combination no okay okay two frying pans frying pan in the bollocks bollocks stock frying pan [Music] oh he's dead are the doctors going how's it coming along dr heimlich

well not very well at the moment it's not really a maneuver at the moment it's more of a gesture as the national rifle association says it's not guns that kill people it's maneuvers but uh as well but completely films used to Break into film studios there's a studio called pinewood studios near uh london and i broke in there when i was 15 and i crept around creeping creeping and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go hey a creeping kid for my film the creeping kid you you're in [Music] but no it didn't

happen they were filming tall angular veterinarian filmmaking And i didn't have my bag and my hand upper horses anyway so um yeah so but i we've got known in britain for making the smaller films smaller you know recently we've been pulling out of that into the more train spotting area but the smaller film the kind of you know room with a view with a staircase and a pond type movie films are very fine acting but the drama Is rather sort of substitute and subsumed or a word like that um sub something you know just just

sort of fold it in and everything's people opening doors oh i'm oh what well i oh what is it sebastian i'm arranging matches well i i thought in i better go guess i think you better have And you can't eat popcorn to that you're going whereas if the film did any little bit of business in america as like if the film did you know some decent bit of business then hollywood would take it and they'd remake it and they'd up the budget by 50 million and it would be called the rome with a view of

hell staircase up satan pond of death and have people open the door going You're [ __ ] in here all the time all the time you're in here the [ __ ] matches in there the [ __ ] matches you're [ __ ] doing and [ __ ] mcguckin you don't talk to me that way you don't talk to me that way you [ __ ] my wife you [ __ ] my wife you [ __ ] my wife you [ __ ] my wife you [ __ ] my wife i am your wife that

doesn't matter I say again you [ __ ] my wife all right yes i [ __ ] your wife i am your wife and i [ __ ] up die yeah [ __ ] matches i can't get on i'm gonna drive around town and put babies on spikes oh no space monkeys are attacking a whole new part of the film that wasn't in the original oh damn it's jam Janine i love you really even though you [ __ ] my wife [Applause] [Laughter] [ __ ] handbag [Applause] with a brick in it it's the queen

i don't know who that is yeah we play bad guys in hollywood movies because of the revolutionary war yes No two ways about it and the french who are on your side in the revolutionary war they play more esoteric characters they play characters who turn up and go my name is pierre i've come from paris i have come to have sex with your family help yourself because of the debt of honor to general lafayette you know you're in history yeah you don't know who he is do you there was the spanish-american war the French banana

war what revolutionary war hung out with washington lafayette street named after him in new york forget it but we play bad guys like take uh the empire strikes back from the star wars trilogy and uh the death star the death star just full of british actors opening doors and going oh i'm oh [Applause] What is it lieutenant sebastian it's just the rebels sir they're here my god man do they want tea no i think they're after something more than that sir i don't know what it is but they brought a flag [Applause] damn that's dash

calling of them ah lord vader Oh hello because he was only impressive because he had that james l jones voice i'm i am vader the force is strong with you if you had a much more hello look i'm lord vader and just play a bloody tension all right luke luke the force is strong with you is it yeah well who told you that Uh some bloke yeah he said the force is really rather strong with you well how strong as strong as a small pony oh that's quite strong that is film would never [ __

] work with it yeah the great escape now there's a film a lot of british actors i'm british link up there steve mcqueen action hero action transvestite link up there this story is based on a true story About 76 prisoners british i think british prisoners who escaped from uh the uh a prisoner war camp in silesia in poland they're all experts in escaping they've escaped from loads of other prisons and that all put together so they you know they all say hey let's work together um steve mcqueen plays the american guy who has dropped into

british films in order to make them sell um in america that is you know because then We go well i'm not gonna full of british guys and what the [ __ ] do i know about british things i was in i did a i was in where was i i was in memphis did a gig of memphis and this guy came up to and this was [ __ ] weird this guy's this guy he had two kids and he said you british you british i go yeah like they're like wanting to go no i'm from

mars actually You were actually yeah and he said hey kid jimmy sue bobby will bit fishy bob [Applause] then he said talk british to my kids i said no i'm not going to talk british cookie i can't well you don't talk this english hello what the kids going no dad we want to go and see not with this accident no damn we want to go and see the the man emasculating a donkey over there Talk british to my kids talk i'll get my arsenal weapons out so that was fun so yes the great escape yes

so the great escape it's all it's all true and you know steve mcqueen's there you know and make it sound and and he's cool you know i'm totally in i'm very big fan of steve mcqueen but fog no [ __ ] fogging bullet either that film the rock when they're all out in alcatraz they're saying we can't like Send this nuclear weapon towards san francisco we can't [ __ ] find it it's covered in fog all right then we have to get oakland then yeah oh fight fight fight fight oh clinton san francisco east space

[Music] you're not called west bay though are you no you're just the [ __ ] You're going to the city today i'm not good with the city and oakland's just the collection of houses is it so yeah so the great escape and the great escape they're saying look like we're gonna do the biggest escape in the history of people escaping from things we shouldn't fun and steve isn't really part of this he's just hanging out and he's playing baseball and he's running about there's A bit of an escape gets caught covered in mud stuff like

that but the british are working away they're digging three tunnels charlie barley and farley no four tunnels charlie bali foley and wally no five tunnels charlie farley wally no one expects the spanish tunnel king and they're digging away and there's people in charge of shoring it up with wood people putting breathing apparatus into it people putting um things on Trolleys you know lighting apparatus people disguising the entrance of the tunnel so it looks like a kibbutz or something people saying i've got my uniforms i turn it inside out raise the collar turn my buttocks into

a hat and i now look like a german officer but i have no buttocks javon here a casa disavon done simpkins well done that's a line from monty python isn't it And there's people donald please doing forgeries on bits of tin can with a bit of jam clang you know and on the day of the skate they're all there now steve mcqueen has joined up with the escape and the british there were trouble hats on overcoats briefcases canoe bit of a rabbit and uh and steve's just there and jeans and a t-shirt Disguised as an

american man he romps out jumps on a motorbike knocks the guy off within 15 minutes he's on the borders of switzerland this is from poland and if you don't know the geography goes poland chuckles back here holland venezuela africa beirut the hanging gardens of babylon and then switzerland where the nazi gold comes from oh yes I love the way you do whenever i say something slightly worthy i'm catching the ferry right now anyway so yeah so you know steve just damn called jumps out on the motor as soon as he gets on the motorbike the

music cuts too bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bumber the british are all down the train station go look can't we do a motorbike damn damn yes a train tick uh Ticket to um uh london no not london cali that's nice and nasty isn't it in a pasta bitter my passport all right clang clang crank clang it's a bit flangy and a bit jeremy yes i'm i'm from the steel and jam area of stuttgart so yeah then the british are getting hassled steve's

away And he gets to switzerland remember jim rockford nicks a an aeroplane in that film and he flies to switzerland and he gets about 20 miles away from it and in an aeroplane and steve's on a [ __ ] motorbike and he gets there before him what's he got on the [ __ ] motorbike jet wings i don't know so yeah all the british are being hassled the gestapo after them people on Rowing boats people on bicycles someone on a rabbit someone you know on a kangaroo pogo stick steve motorbike all the way steve's over

the first line of barbed wire go steve go into the second line of barbed wire nearly makes it but doesn't cry but lives to tell the tale meanwhile the british are all round up and shot in the head now what signals is this giving to kids from the different you know countries Britain and america american kids watching steve and going steve you're damn cool yeah [ __ ] with you man all the way hey absolutely live to tell the tale good on you you know i don't always australian but anyway um absolutely good eye um

but we're just watching and think we're [ __ ] no matter all that planning the logistics everything we get [ __ ] blown away chip on my fish and chips on my shoulder An angle but humber dink yes he was a man that's not his real name he's from britain that's not his name there's very few humble dinks in britain he was born jerry dorsey and not angled by hamburg his parents were not mr mrs humbled inc they never said what should we call our sons who does not get the [ __ ] kicked out

of him at school we shall call him engelbert Good that'll work no his name was jerry dorsey and he released he released songs with jerry dorsey songs such as um which didn't work because no one could hear what he was saying and then his managers obviously said we're going to change your name jerry it's the name that's a problem and his name changed from jerry dorsey to engelbert humberdink i mean i just Wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through zingelberg bumbleback yingybert dangleband zanglebert bingledeck what all right kringlebird fisty

buns stevie buns buttress trundles no jerry dorsey i like jerry no we can't what we got single bird bamble duck tringle boat wangle deck slop bum waller Clingy run pistol bars dindelbert zendeldak uh jerry dorsey um anklebot humpty back single bird bengal deck angle but humperdinck vingelberg wingle dang no no go back one go back one good number that's says and it worked but he's dead now did you hear that yeah today i'll see you then i heard that this was coming out very weird because um Uh frank sinatra was just recently as well wasn't

it yeah no this is what i heard on the telly when i was coming out no it's not true no it is true um yeah he was in l.a something happened he was in l.a and that's that's all i caught in the text just before i came out oh yeah No it is true um he was in a car and uh and i driving along something hit him or something [Applause] no no no he's all right he's all right he's fine he's cooking he's jumping he's doing his thing in there he's absolutely fine how do

i know i don't know i don't know i think he's got a cold that's what they say no a tan that's it But back in the 60s though back in the 60s president kennedy became the president of united states america and uh and he he went to berlin went stood on the berlin wall and he said people are berlin people are berlin i can't do an impression of president kennedy so they said people love berlin amy no james mason playing uh people of berlin i've come to you to Tell you something about american states what

is i sound a bit like god don't i yes but i've come to save you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of berlin and i wish to save you ich bin ein berliner and the crowd went [ __ ] wild trouble is hb9 berliner means i am a donut and this is true and this is what he said he Said i am a donor and as i say 70 how you look 20 how you sound only 10 is what you say he said i am a doughnut they went wild you know

because ich bin berliner is i am a berliner but if in ein berliner that's the name of a donut they have there and it's like going to frankfurt i am a frankfurter [Applause] Yeah we've heard about that one jackie hamburg i am a hamburger too lucky he didn't do a tour of germany i am a hamburger a frankfurter and a donut but the people in berlin must have gone what did he say he said he was a donut i thought he said it was a donut too so what does that mean it's a slang he's

american he's a donut [ __ ] donut the [ __ ] donut I think that's what it must mean what do you think dr heimlich well i don't i don't i don't know i've swallowed a football and i can't get it can you grab me perform my maneuver on me please the me maneuver hilda hilda get me a map of everything he also made a speech about space president kenny said by the end of this decade i have decided to put a man on the surface of the moon at the same time Our prime minister

in britain sir dingley dang you don't know anyway do you have no do [Applause] it was sofritz bunwalla engelbert slappedy back who was prime minister at the time and he stood up and he said by the end of this decade i have decided to put a man on the surface of the earth and so we did but uh yeah it was it was kind of weird Because uh i mean i you know we couldn't do the space race we had no money you know we didn't rationally didn't stop till the year 2001. i still haven't

even lived that long but anyway um it did we just we didn't have any money so uh you were getting the space rockets testing them can a cat a dog a fish a monkey up into space the fish was interesting um we didn't have enough money to put a man In a track suit up a ladder i mean i would have been there go man go i'm going i'm going hang on just hang on to the ladder hello swindon i am here swindon can you hear me swindon here we are monitoring you on our instruments

at the moment we've got you on a tuber that should be a bigger laugh for that joke i think yeah i can't quite understand it i Thought it was really funny swindon knackered kind of fresno town ah they don't seem to be going for it they're obviously bastards well anyways when i'm nearly at the moon uh actually it's a bit of an understatement that one um have you got another ladder another bit of ladder i don't think we're quite at the moon yet but i can see right over the top of the house it's fantastic

but they went to the moon neil armstrong Buzz holder and a nail came and michael collins going round and round and uh working out the ira thing and uh and neil stepped onto the moon and said one small step a man a giant leap for mankind good line but not his line it didn't feel like he's lying you know uh i bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going small's death a man a giant leap for mankind a small step for man a giant lead for Mankind don't get

it wrong neil don't [ __ ] it up here we go i'm a small man with a giant one man small giant two two men's what what is it because you got to say something you can't get out into the moon and go oh it's all sticky it's covered in jam you can't land on the moon and go [ __ ] hell i've been in that space Girl right i need a piss you can't land on the moon and wind down the window is this sea tranquility see a tranquility there's no one around but he

had a sense of humor so he should have used it because that was that um that lunar module there fixed camera just fixed not panning left and right just just stationary so he could have been there saying hi people on the moon As you can see the sea of tranquility here there's the mountains in the distance there's the earth there you're looking back up at yourselves there over to my right i can see a [ __ ] monster there's a monster behind me [Applause] oh no get off my legs yeah buzz alden in a monster

outfit [Music] Neil doing close-up where they've got me houston the monster's caught me he wants cash he's got my hand up behind my back i think he knows jiu-jitsu he wants cash for a reason my life send a million to two million dollars leave it in a bag by the sea of tranquility i don't know the north shore oh it would have worked wouldn't it But they went to the moon and they brought back rock they brought back rock the trouble is we've got rock that was the one thing we didn't need wasn't this rock

nail i didn't know when you looked at the planet before you took off but it's made of [ __ ] rock but it's moon rock oh [ __ ] out this is earth rock meal oh come on cheese oh look earth rocks my special miners [ __ ] hurt it's rock isn't it Have you heard on the stock market neil rock's gone up three points no it hasn't does it because it's [ __ ] rock excuse me we wanted diamonds or sherbet or a squirrel with a gun so they went to the moon they found

rock and they found ice as well recently so it's rock and ice what an exciting planet obviously a party planet then they went to mars they found more rock but it's red this time so we've got The most boring solar system i've ever heard of and i've never heard of any and no monsters either not one [ __ ] monster has turtle has it in the history of looking because we've been ready for monsters and we've been waiting for them for so long pictures of monsters stories and monsters documentaries and monsters films programs television thing

no not one [ __ ] monster nothing not even a squirrel with a flute Is turned on [Music] monster very small monster get the flute off him that's why he gets his power [Music] and i think the world needs monsters i think we need monsters because we've got this thing of uh humans are very good in in in a with a little bit of of adversity not too much adversity but you know Enough you know so like in the cold war say the second one boy is better than the cold but the cold war was

just this negative thing the second world war had that um thing of everyone pulling together against something there was some positive stuff that came out of it but now that the cold war is gone there's just everything has gone a bit loose and free everyone's got obsessed with upstairs have you noticed that you know the x-files all the films correct X-files independence day armageddon uh deep uh impact the deep throat um um all these ones are things we'll look it upstairs now and in america everything got a bit weird terrorism has started to happen you

know the oklahoma bombing which everyone was quite sure was some sort of islamic fundamentalist thing and everyone said no it's found out it was white guys from nearby you know that must have freaked you out something Rotten these guys from around the corner they look like us oh [ __ ] yeah bit of a weird one and uh and the aryan supremacists have come along with their ideas of get some chemical weapons and kill people and then you think well what's your plan what does that achieve nothing really you know and it won't work aryan

supremacist any white supremacists black supremacist Blue supremacists especially the blue supremacists they're never going to work because you know if you get the same people from the same genetic group to all in to marry hello cousins marrying hello iq down the toilet hitler was trying this first generation of nazis would have been zeke heil second generation z heil third generation uh z uh I have no idea the fbi picked up a guy who was trying to access anthrax through the mail who the [ __ ] do you write to for anthrax is there a big

desk with people going more requests for amtrak thank you jeff dear mrs stevens thank you for request for anthrax one of the most dangerous capable weapons known to humankind we have pleasure in rushing over to you three buckets of anthrax yeah To our own personal use only but this guy was doing it fraudulently so he must have been a bit cunning dear sir my name is daisy i am a cow um i wish to take my own life so please send me three buckets of anthrax as anthrax is designed to kill cattle and i want

to end it all right now ps i cannot shoot myself as i have no opposable thumb But it is it's that we know with pedigree dogs and mongol dogs are the uh the proof of this experiment the pedigree dogs they're all in bread you take the grandmother and then the great event great nephew there you go and you just get them and they're all next to each other in the genetic pool so they look kind of good but they just go woof [Applause] And what do you think about the latest doggy situation uh i like

meeting other dogs where's the mongol dog with mungle dog with a black patch over a white face furry on top and sleek down below because a lion shagged a whippet that's the one that's the one that goes out next your credit cards and drives to the bahamas but i'm going to finish up today by talking about my uh my puberty because Which is a kind of you know spiky subject but it's interesting because you know there's things like these kids started shooting people which you've had in america because guns don't kill people it's just that

certain noise they make and um uh it's just a bullet ripping through people's bodies that's what kills people yeah have guns but don't allow any ammunition there we got it we've got it sorted Then just go so yeah um but puberty was well before beauty i was at school i didn't tell kids i was a transvestite because i thought they might kill me with sticks yeah why i don't know he said a word we didn't understand anyone scrabble with it so yes so uh i played i most translate fancy girls and you can tell people

this yes most translucent fuzzy girls well Who told you that that transvestite told me that probably lives in a cave somewhere no an executive transvestite oh really wow fantastical so yeah so i played kiss chase with the girls tag a girl she has to kiss you kind of sexy but then puberty came puberty came and destroyed my confidence destroyed by everything which i think is Part of the thing that causes these kids to go off and and and didn't commit murder essentially because it is such a hell of a gear change because think about it

it's the one time because before puberty girls and boys are going girls oh boys they get to puberty it's like girls or you know boys boys you know whatever sexual preference you're going but you just start switching all of that [Music] And you think god i want to get off with some of these people i better look my best and then mother nature says no you will look the worst you ever look in your life hold on where did i get all this from jesus we repulse ourselves i mean i i used to look in

the mirror and go well i'm not going to shag me that's missing because that's what narcissism is all about it's looking in the mirror and Going god i'd like to have sex with myself you know you know it's all sort of self-attraction thing and then when you go the acne thing just goes nowhere and parents should tell you the facts of puberty look your hair's going to go greasy your face will become a general plague area here's a book on the black death um tufts of hair will grow on your chin not In a sexy

stubble way but in a continuing plague theme down here i'm not even going to talk about that but here's a picture of your uncle jim [Applause] um that's queen victoria um yeah so uh and it's over months and years isn't it puberty's over months and years it should be one day get the [ __ ] over with going to school sorry I'm late then i was like by the time you get home right i'm going home to get a job with a drill and that one day at school will be weird sorry i don't know

the answer to that question excuse me can i be excused i seem to have the plague and then i had to chat up girls and i'd never use my vocal ability to chat up girls and when your voice is breaking it's very hard saying oh god susan i Really have fancy i saw you in the playground i had to chat up girls and i'd only tagged them before and i didn't have the verbal power to be able to say susan i saw you in the classroom today as the sun came from behind the clouds a

burst of brilliant light caught your head was haloed in front of me you turned your eyes flash fire into my soul i immediately read the words of dostoyevsky and karl marx And in the words of albert schweitzer i fancy you but no at 13 you're just going oh sue i've got legs july bread i've got a french loaf bye i love you [Music] so it was all not working very well and uh and later on when we become more mature When we become more mature we have that line if you're getting if you're talking to

someone getting on well you can say that great line do you want a cup of coffee and if they go uh yeah okay then sex is on yeah that's the unwritten rule doesn't always work if the president of burundi says would you like a cup of coffee you're not supposed to go oh i'm in here and how do you take it anywhere i find It big boy oh just a cup of coffee all right i thought you meant drawing a cup of coffee so you're from burundia you're fantastic yeah no i know it's near isn't

it near tons of near yeah yeah no i learned them all when i had chickenpox now i've got to go now because my grandmother's on fire and uh but normally it does work as long as you Keep the chat sexy yes i like my coffee hot and strong like i like my women hot and strong with a spoon in them ah the curve of the spoon the curve of your breast i like to run the spoon out of my head then you're pretty close yeah and i was a very very driven boy scout very driven

by skype driven everywhere i was and uh and I uh such a crap joke other nights i've never even said it because i thought so cram i'm just laughing that you laughed anyway but i was i was a driven boys guy no i was actually just driven you know i was just uh um forget this anyway so um yeah i had all the badges i had all the badges i had my landing on the moon Badge you know advanced badges my nuclear fusion badge and my uh management disguise kit badge [Applause] which was great and

uh so i was a top scout i was a chief scout hubbard tribe and everything and me and this other guy who was a chief scout we went on an outing a sort of chaperones where these girls were slightly younger at school so 10 girls two boys pretty good odds for a shy kid We go to an activity center where you climb a tree and eat a sausage and it's kind of you know it builds your character so you know about sausages and uh we end up in a swimming pool and i'm doing splashy splashy

with this girl i really fancy and she's doing splashy splashy back and i'm going [ __ ] i'll splash you back you know because splashy splashy is the aquatic equivalent of do you want a cup of Coffee sebastian's flesh is going well i suddenly think i know i'll turn i'll do swimming swimming and then maybe she'll do swimming swimming too and kind of chase me chase me away and then we do catchy catchy and underwater sexy sexy but i turned and i was so elated that splashy splashy was actually working but i just swam like

a boy chased by sharky sharkies swam i swear and i was in egypt when they caught up That's a long way from england because england venezuela beirut africa cincinnati hanging gardens of babylon it's near switzerland so yeah it just wasn't working and i was i'm saving my virginity and then you know it's cool to lose your virginity at 13. you say yeah i was 13 she was 25 you know i know i was an animal what can i say you know but i was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts and uh

And i was getting on i was 18 they're going have you done have you done it yet i was going i am not from your country going to college you know still nothing and i was and i thought stop saving yourself for some imaginary person who doesn't isn't there just just lose your virginity find anyone anyone as long as i got a pulse or not pulse optional and i was 21 before i lost my virginity 20 while that's not cool at all is it but then i tell everyone about it so that's quite cool and

i've done it since then and um but the way this thing involved was actually lost my virginity a year before i lost my virginity i was uh yeah weird i was when a year before when i was 20 i actually had a night of way hey hey so next morning it's one of those Post-virginity breakfasts i was thinking you know hey just sit there breakfast cereal bacon and eggs bit of coffee bubbling away freshly squeezed mango juice she's going you're very chipper this morning i'm going yeah yeah [ __ ] hell yeah because last night

lost my virginity oh yeah with who i did this for an hour and i was going with you with you what the [ __ ] What the [ __ ] was last night all about what you know and she said no and we had this conversation and the words ejaculation came into the conversation and the word premature as well and i came back with no ejaculation mature maturity not premature postmature veteran ejaculation wise learned man ejaculation mature man who does the washing up type but she said no she vetoed it she was China in the

united nations security council in the united nations security council of my virginity and so just didn't work it was [ __ ] me off i tell you but she's dead now so um now she was in l.a in a car with uh englewood humberdink and so that's the end of my show and i do like to end the show with a kind of feeling and uh i think i've done that quite well But thank you very much for being here hope you enjoyed it [Applause] [Applause] what [Applause] now um i just want to talk quickly

about language and then we go because yeah language they do say britain and america are two countries separated by the atlantic ocean and uh and it's true Now they say two languages separated by two countries by common language that's the line it's a it's an oscar wildling i think and we do pronounce things in a different way like you say caterpillar and we say caterpillar and uh you say aluminum we say aluminium you say centrifugal we say centrifugal you say leisure we say lyzure you say basil we say basil and you say herbs and We

say herbs because there's a [ __ ] h in it [Applause] but you spell through thru and i'm with you on that because we spell it throughout and that's trying to cheat at scrabble how can we get that ooh sound well a u will work what about an o as well no we don't need it we're fine no i think i know well all right and a g as well what yes a g would be good Yes sir yes we need a silent g just in the background in case of any accidents or something well

all right and an h as well [ __ ] it hang on an h in case some herbs come along all right and a q and a p and a z look it's a word in scrabble that's 480 points so yes and uh we do have you know slight differences in that arena but in europe We have 200 languages 200 languages just count them i know you won't but uh but eternal languages and future generations of europeans i'm sorry europeans but we're gonna have to be bilingual we are gonna have to be and english speakers

hate this two languages in one head no one can live at that speed good lord man you're asking the impossible but the dutch speak four languages and Smoke marijuana yes but they're cheating everyone knows marijuana is a drug enhancement that can help you on track and field to come last in a team of eight million eight million other runners who are all dead i don't know how the dutch do it but anyway because we're going to have to learn and the reason we're going to have to learn is one for being groovy and Just getting

out there and doing it but the second we just lose a lot of business in europe the rest of europe because german people find i'm going for having fun for me london deutsche mark if you're there out there just [ __ ] off with you right i'm totally speaking german i tell them to go away i don't know something about fun families and deutsche bank get knotted We don't want any of his deutsche marquis we do we do want that i'm terribly sorry oh [ __ ] redial yeah so uh so i'm into this i'm

into this idea this idea it's it's it's a good it's a positive thing man and i took my last show my lash glorious i took to uh to paris and i did it in french the and the french people came and they stared at me and with that look on their eyes of Course because you know there's no stand up in france and and um and they're not used to english people for speaking french but i was doing it you know because i thought it would be a positive because we could be the biggest melting

pot in the world biggest melting pot in the world 500 million people all we got to do is melt a bit just move it around [ __ ] moving around and it was partly that and partly just To go yeah yeah [Applause] so i did that and i learned french at school up the age of 16 and then i just kept talking endlessly after that and and at school the first page i ever learned in french was full of things which are difficult to get into a conversation uh things like the mouse is underneath the

table just slip that in when you're buying a ticket to paris The other line was uh the cat is on the chair lucha is slightly more easy to fit in and the monkeys on the branch lasage not a large angle in france monkeys thin on the ground thin in the air just generally pretty trim and yeah so it just wasn't working i mean we go to bars and cafes that's where we go we go to bars cafes we sit there and we and we have chats in the the cafes Cafe la cafe noir hey triforce

a [Applause] [Laughter] if you don't speak french by the way all that was [ __ ] funny all right we go and get hotel rooms for the night who's ever in charge we know zavon [Applause] uh rebecca and evac douche with a spider oh yeah Uh merci beaucoup is in the end the only way i could get that line into a conversation was i had to go to france with a cat a mouse a monkey a table and chair and wander round heavily wooded areas someone's coming someone's coming quick position two three two three bonjour

Hey bonjour [Music] huh travesty executives [Music] [Applause] and travesty daxion tribune melissa foreign because the monkey would [ __ ] off it'd go into his hands It was a bloody monkey he was a cheeky monkey and he knew my french wasn't very good so he go off and do things ah los angeles kilometers that was the film's speed in french which in france was called la vitas or at least it should have been but in fact it was called speed yeah so in conclusion ladies and gelly spoons Um america you have the american dream you

have the american dream we haven't got the european dream yet that's what we're gonna get we gotta get a dream a dream to build on you have the american dream the dream is to be born in the gutter and raise and grow up and get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go the american dream a fantastic dream of money in your ears And swimming survivors the american dream in europe i don't know we haven't got a dream yet the moment what the dream was the dream was [Music] [Music]

[Applause] elder what is it dr heimlich you're waking up type person i i've dreamed the european dream i Dreamt that every country in europe spoke a different language and they hated each other oh that's true isn't it yeah that was the dream but now maybe now the dream is to be in the south of europe to be in greece in italy in spain and to be on a moped with no helmet on riding along going ciao that's a pretty cool dream it's not much of a dream but it's as good as we got so Far

and it's pretty funky because when you die you look a mess but um i don't know i just like it cause you're on a [ __ ] hairdryer forgotten there there's dogs walking faster than you it's just pretty damn cool for me that's the european dream thank you very much [Music] [Music] You