Wanting to please everyone all the time for fear of disappointing or for fear of being rejected is a form of deception. Self-betrayal. And we create stories, stories around that by convincing ourselves that it is kindness, that it is benevolence, that they are virtues.
But here we confuse benevolence with the deficit of self-love. Benevolence is not synonymous with servitude. I want to make it clear from the outset that the words of this capsule are mainly intended for people who suffer or have suffered from a deficit of self-love, who grew up with emotional deficiencies and who have not learned to consider their their own needs, their own limits, and which are exclusively turned towards others.
People who, in order to receive love and affection in their childhood, had to give up their own person, because their needs and the expression of their personalities were violated. So to adapt, they learned to take on the role of the savior / satisfactor. In adulthood, one is exclusively guided by the wants and needs of others without any recognition, or even a very low recognition for one's own needs and limitations.
These words are not intended for everyone. And I'm not saying to stop being benevolent or kind. On the contrary.
But I try through these lines to bring a reflection to find a balance in the perception of the self and the other. There are many other traits associated with behavior of exaggerated complacency or bondage towards people. People who are exclusively - or almost exclusively - outgoing may also: Be overly kind Have an aversion to conflict Have a hard time saying no Be stressed or overwhelmed all the time In some cases be constantly on the defensive Justify yourself all the time And sometimes, be inclined to resentment and / or resentment When a young child is conditioned to the belief, that to be loved and respected, you have to be docile, helpful, kind, kind .
. . Eh well he will learn to value more the opinion of the other about himself than his own feelings.
And that creates an internal divide between who we really are and who we should be. In adulthood, this fracture continues to widen and engenders a lot of bitterness, a silent bitterness . No one suspects it.
Because the character you're playing, or the faux-self, is a character who looks nice and happy. We perpetuate the same pattern of the nice little girl and the nice little boy, who to be rewarded simply had to show self-sacrifice, contain their emotions, hide their needs and instead take care of adults. In other words, parentified children.
So the love and care of parents was conditioned on this submissive behavior. And even worse, this kindness was not reciprocated. But today, you are an adult, you no longer need to repeat the same behaviors.
You no longer need to play this role. When you were small and vulnerable, you had to adapt to your parents because they took care of you, you depended on them, so you had no choice, and then you did not have the necessary perspective on these patterns. The spirit of exaggerated complacency very often generates the opposite effect.
You can be disparaged, belittled and taken for granted. This type of behavior not only sends a very negative signal, but it arouses disrespect and it makes you the ideal prey for manipulators and all those who allow themselves to exploit others to satisfy their egos. This exaggerated kindness is a sign of weakness and submission.
In fact, it is maladaptive behavior that has allowed you to avoid conflicts in the past. Besides being logically wrong, this mentality is really damaging. It helps cultivate depression, anxiety, guilt, shame and self-blame.
Today, for what reasons would you be reluctant to do things that would compromise your psychological integrity ? Why are you absolutely trying to satisfy everyone at nobody's expense? To be accepted?
To avoid rejection? To defuse an argument? To avoid reproaches?
To ease tensions? It is very important to understand the hidden reasons that push you to have this type of behavior. And even if you are looking to defuse an argument, you know very well if you 've been in an abusive relationship, no matter how dedicated you are, it doesn't matter if the other is a person who seeks conflict at all costs and which feeds on antagonism.
There are people who will never give you the respect and recognition you hope for. On the contrary, the nicer and more helpful you are, the more they exploit you. Being in this pattern often hides low self-esteem and very fragile personal limits .
This means that one places much more importance on the opinion and approval of others than on personal feelings and self-approval. And we risk developing a form of dependence on the approval of others while being wrong. It is not genuine.
You are not yourself. And hypersensitive people - and I know a majority of you define yourself as hypersensitive people - are particularly concerned with this excessive kindness. Because when we are hypersensitive it is very difficult for us to tolerate the negativity of others.
Because we are constantly overwhelmed with emotions, and therefore we try to avoid chaos, so we are ready to make huge concessions to get a little lull. By being in the savior or satisfying schema if you will, you are subject to excessive self-criticism. You feel guilty even if you haven't done anything wrong.
You tend to bear all the responsibility. And if you are harmed, you will think it must have been your fault . But this self-critical voice is not yours.
It's the voice you internalized from other people, maybe your parents when you were a kid, your grandparents, your instructors, your friends at school, later at work, and the dominant belief system of in a general way. Excessive kindness leads to exhaustion or even burnout. Because it is you who provide all the effort and all the time.
You are always the person who takes care of anything heavy to carry, you will likely be subject to periodic meltdowns. And paradoxically, the satisfactor syndrome leads to strained and conflicting relationships. It doesn't solve the problems.
Because you've got an implied expectation, you're - somewhere expecting some kind of recognition that you're not necessarily going to get. And what's more, by being the only person to compromise, you end up never expressing what you really want. We therefore cultivate cognitive distortions, in particular the principle of reading thoughts, we assume that the other is also able to read our thoughts and anticipate our needs.
And since the other person does not necessarily have your degree of sensitivity, he or she will not necessarily be able to anticipate what you are thinking or what you are feeling. So it necessarily ends in frustration. And by dint of being disappointed, we end up cracking up in turn and maybe having passive aggressive behaviors.
And if by chance, the other is also in this pattern of the excessive satisfactor, you will have a relationship that lacks depth. The way you think and process information has an extremely strong impact on your feelings and behaviors. The over-complacency mentality is psychologically insidious as it prompts you to rationalize, justify, support, and perpetuate your habits of complacency.
They also allow you to avoid negative and frightening feelings. Therefore, you will never learn to deal with and overcome them. If these attitudes may have been appropriate and even beneficial to you as a child, today they are working against you.
Not only do you expect others to grant you universal recognition of your incomparable bondage and kindness, but you also expect to always feel kind inside of you. So you disqualify a part of what makes you a human being, quite simply. By being extremely kind, you believe that you will be protected from rejection, anger, and criticism from others.
And when you are exposed to an unpleasant or negative experience with another person - which inevitably happens over and over again in everyone's life - your thought patterns will blow the hat off to you. If you're rejected or hurt, you think it's because you haven't been kind enough . And when you choose to honor your feelings, limitations, and legitimate needs, you think you are selfish.
There is an important difference between exercising enlightened self-interest and selfishness. You can choose to be a martyr and sacrifice your own needs on the altar of those of your personal or professional circle. But in doing so, you are not demonstrating or proving that you are selfless, but simply that you are a self-destructive person.
By redefining and correcting your interpretation of terms such as "selfish" or "kind," for example, you will be taking the first step in freeing yourself from the trap of satisfying syndrome, the disease of overkindness. And it is not about transforming into a being devoid of compassion and benevolence. But to find a balance between the self and the others.
Learning to say no to what isn't right for you is a saving act. When you say yes to something when deep down you mean no, you are not in alignment with what you are feeling. It is a form of deception or self-betrayal.
We betray ourselves. Whereas when you think no and say no, you are just being honest with yourself and with others. You've probably lived with this satisfying / savior schema for a long time , maybe today it seems absolutely normal and appropriate to you.
It's not really easy to suddenly stop being overly nice. Especially since it is naturally difficult to disagree with others, as this will increase cognitive dissonance. First, I would like to invite you to look at the reasons behind these attitudes.
Why do you choose to give up your own needs to please another? Of course, you wo n't find the answer right away. But I invite you to have this kind of questioning on a daily basis to find these reasons behind this behavior.
Then, realize that you have a choice. That you are not condemned to perpetuate these automatisms. Awareness is often the first step towards change.
Take small steps. Because it is difficult to make a sudden change. You need to readjust to this new way of doing things but also to teach the people around you your new limits.
I prefer to tell you, some will not be delighted with your assertiveness. Because they prefer that you remain in bondage, the better to exploit you. Start with small steps.
Start by saying no to small requests. Try to voice your opinion on a topic that doesn't matter much or when there isn't much at stake. Or dare to ask for something that you are not used to asking, something that you need.
In the beginning, responding in writing can be very helpful if you don't dare to assert yourself directly. So assertive e-mail or text can help you express your refusal at the start in a calm , assertive and assertive manner. And we can express our refusal kindly with respect for all.
You can also practice in mundane situations in everyday life, for example when talking to a seller in the market, when ordering a dish in a restaurant. And I would like to give you a personal example. Maybe that will encourage you .
I remember in the past I used to always accept party invitations at work, for example, even though I didn't really know the person. I forced myself to put a note in the envelope, but also to be present, even if I did not particularly want to. And even worse, in this type of celebration, because I'm a hypersensitive person, I'm quickly overwhelmed with emotions.
And generally this type of event and well it was scheduled at the end of the day, that is to say after a difficult day of work, I also had to endure these interminable meetings. And I never dared to say no. I did it because I had a fear, the fear of being rejected, the fear that they would say that I was not a sociable person.
But one day, I decided to honor my needs. And I dared to say no. For me, it was really the end of the world at the time to dare to say no.
But over time, I could see that it didn't change anything in my daily life when others turned their backs on me . On the contrary, it relieved me. It brought me a lot of serenity in my life.
It allowed me to sort out my relationships. And although there were some bad tongues that said I was a fierce and asocial person, I learned to accept that I could n't change the biased opinion of others about me. Let their opinion not change who I am.
Each time you take a small step to let go of these attitudes, you will gain confidence. It is important to know your limits, to set those limits, to be clear and of course to communicate them. Be clear and specific about what you are willing to accept.
If someone asks too much of you, let them know it's beyond your limits. Tell him what you are prepared to do to help him, suggest an alternative that is acceptable to you. But never say yes to anything that can compromise your integrity.
There are plenty of ways to help you keep your limits respected on a daily basis. For example, you might start by not accepting phone calls at certain times. You can also explain that you are only available for a certain period of time.
This allows you to be clear about not only what you are ready to do, but also when you are ready to do it. There is a considerable price to be paid for being too nice. You shouldn't be ready to pay it anymore .
When you accept that it is okay not to be kind sometimes, you will make tremendous progress in healing your patterns of the satisfying Savior. And I want to make sure that you can break free from these patterns while still being fully in alignment with your values and needs to remain a caring, loving, empathetic, and generous person. And it's okay to give up being nice once in a while.
You are not going to turn into a selfish or egocentric and hardened person. Otherwise, it would be a major personality shift in the wrong direction. Rather, it is an invitation to love who you are more and to be more responsible for the choices you make.
And the most desirable alternative to over-complacency is to be someone who makes intentional and conscious choices rather than reacting on autopilot - choosing when, how, and to whom you give your time and limited resources. 'in general. This way, you can be sure that you are setting aside enough time and energy for your own needs which should be placed much higher on the scale of your priorities.
By making conscious choices instead of automatic reactions, you'll have more space in your life to do what is important to you instead of spending your time doing what you think people need. Breaking out of this pattern does not mean that you have to sacrifice or change your generous nature or your desire to bring happiness to many people around you. But it does mean that you are going to give up the need for approval to be constantly nice and to everyone.
You will gradually develop skills in this direction and gain real freedom to make the right choices for you. And instead of being constantly controlled by your compulsion to please everyone, you'll be in control of your desire, intentions, and effort for others while being in balance with the need to take care of yourself. Finally, a little thumbs up under the video to boost the SEO of the video on YouTube and send this capsule to other people who do not know my channel.
Thank you for listening to me, take care of yourself and see you soon.
