Why People Don't Like You! Become Likeable Quickly Using These Simple Hacks: Charisma on Command

okay so first impressions yeah the big thing that I got wrong and I see almost everybody get wrong and it's bad Common advice about First Impressions is that just the best way to get people interested in you is to be interested in them and what I found is that that is generally true but it ignores the the realities of status which is I'm sure you experienced this with a lot of people come up to you they're very interested in you but that doesn't mean that they're going to make a good first impression on you it

means that you might have compassion for them it might even means that you might feel love for them but it does not mean that you're going to want to follow up and spend time with them probably you've experienced I don't want to follow up with this person and spend time with them even though I see their sincerity of their interest they come and I've and I've been on both sides of this right I've been the person who is so just so interested in you there's a few things that if you just do this before expressing

your interest in somebody changes the whole game so fun trust respect if you and this can take 60 seconds or less can communicate that you are fun that the person can trust you and that there is something to respect about you and then you express your interest in that person it will completely flip the dynamic on its head so we can break it down please fun there's a ton of ways to handle this right you can crack jokes you can do all sorts of things but the easiest way to add fun to an interaction is

you take the first question that almost everybody asks you which is how are you right these are the gimmies that we just say fine good how are you oh there's a fire whatever and be more enthusiastic than fine I would always say be better than good so if somebody comes up to you and they say how are you doing you can be fantastic or wonderful or great or ecstatic or electric and there's a whole separate conversation about how to make this real inside of yourself because I'm not asking you to paper over anything I think

that was a mistake that I made early in my Charisma career of just too much fake till you make it but if you can genuinely cultivate those feelings and share them that level of enthusiasm is fun crack a joke got fun okay trust this is a lot of non-verbal stuff you know eye contact body language the way that you shake someone's hand but it also comes down to if the person feels like you are trying to get something from them and there's a number of things that tip us off to this but one of these

is when you over qualify yourself which is in direct competition with this need to establish yourself right so there's these we we want to establish that we're interesting people we have things going on that you might want to connect with but if we drift over into name dropping and selling we're going to alienate the trust so the place that I focus most on with people is in most inter places that I've been how are you where are you from what do you do are like three of the most basic questions go to a college campus

it's what's your major we all have these and you can think of them now if you're in the audience we have these things that we hear all the time and we probably have habitual answers to them yes and these habitual answers are usually not great yes so bad yeah I just remembered mine actually people come up to me and they say God you've been so busy and then I'll say something like yeah always and then the conversation's over yeah yeah they've got they've got nothing to hook into or hook onto there so you're able to

get away with that and one of the things that people do is they build a tremendous amount of confidence and power and then all of a sudden you don't you can drop this to a degree because people are still interested because they know you from Dragon Den or some other things but if you're out there and you don't have that yet like I didn't when I was 19 and 20 or you just want to have more engaging conversations and you want to bring in people that you genuinely connect with reverse engineer the conversation that you

would like to have so you could one of I have six charismatic mindsets that I think about one of them is go there first in humanizing the interaction and so this can mean if you're in a group of people that are all really stiff and nervous because they don't know if it's okay crack the first joke be vulnerable first give the first compliment like lead the interaction in the way you want to go because that's what everybody wants like we don't want to be suits we want to be roles in a company we want to

be humans and that stuff is everybody wants that and whoever goes first becomes the leader okay okay so in your interactions you're getting asked are you busy so if you could go there first and do the thing that you're wanting them to do and work that into the answer of how you're busy or are you busy that is going to lead the conversation in the direction you want so as a for instance I don't know if this is are you busy you know I have been but one of the things things that I've really been

struggling with that I haven't figured out yet at this point is you know I'm having some relationship issues I'm having this or that the other thing but like sharing the real thing level down beneath the surface level stuff that you're tempted to share with people is going there first and making it okay for them to do it and then you say what about you versus they say hey uh how's it going you're so busy you're say oh yeah man been busy how about you they're just going to match you especially given your you know your

power as the the leader of the company they they will just match what you do but if you go there first you give people permission to go deeper so a lot of people for instance what they might want is they want the thing that they care about is they care about their job they love what they do and they're really interested or maybe they hate their job and they care more about their free time and their hobbies and the extreme sports that they do so in these questions of how have you been what do you

do where are you from I have a worksheet in our course that helps people walk through what a good answer could be that would leave hooks for the person that is an extreme sports Enthusiast or does you know have an interest in that particular Niche that they're interested in to hook into but if you were to ask me where I'm from and let's say that I want to connect with you in a number of different ways but the thing that I really want you to know is that I have an interesting business I could say

I'm from Philadelphia and we're done oh cool I've been to Philadelphia or all my friend's brother went there is it cold in Philadelphia like these this is where we're going to go now we're on weather and sports which is where most most conversations go but if I say you know I grew up in Philadelphia but I never really fit in there like a lot of the people in that area wind up spending their whole lives within 20 minutes of where they were born and so I traveled throughout my 20s and lived a bunch of places

but I now live in LA just because it's the right place for my business and I end there the next question that is coming from you is probably oh what's your business or where did you travel so if I give you a number of different options to hook into here you're going to take the one that you're most interested in MH and so what I would try to do in these answers with myself and what I advise people to do is take the three topics that you know you'd love to talk about like you'd love

to talk about your travels you'd love to talk about your business and you'd love to talk about philosophy or whatever it is and find a way to just leave little crumbs in these common answers that give the right person the invitation to talk to you about that thing and this is something that I found really like small talk can suck it's very draining to sit here and like more can I say about the weather or local sports team I can't keep doing it yeah but when you do these sorts of things it uh man it

opens up the opportunity for connection so much more quickly in interaction and I hate small talk yeah I really hate it I find it really draining I find it so fake and I I kind of want to get on to the real stuff um so you're saying that's how to do it to leave sort of crumbs in my response that will send us down a more interesting pathway in conversation to really think through how do I and what do I want to connect with people over right it's not the weather and it's not the local

sports team it is in my case I want to interact with people that uh are interested in the same sort of like YouTube space that I'm interested in that's one of the things beforehand I thought that I knew about people I like I could tell who that guy is I know I know what kind of life he has but when you start leaving these Clues people surprise you the like the the types of connections that come from people that you wouldn't expect are I don't know another word other than like magic it's it's very special

to see that the world is full of opportunities where once you saw it as I already know what coming from this person it's just going to be a boring Small Talk conversation and to find that that person could be someone that you do business with or become very close to or winds up being the brother of someone that you date is is very exciting to me there's a real mindset shift in that like seeing the world differently as a set of opportunities versus this sort of like fixed thing that you just have to navigate yes

and also there's a a playfulness that can be brought to it as well so one of the other things that I talk about is flirting with the world right so what I mean by this is that when you go out and you're flirting you tend not to be literal in your answers right there's there's a playfulness that is engaged you're going to joke with that person and what what a lot of people do and I'm guilty of this all the time is when you're checking out at the store you're doing anything you are very literal

in your answers can I help you with anything today can I get one other thing what floor are you on as you get in the elevator and if instead of Alo floor 3 you say I don't live here I'm just casing the joint for rubber you know it's just like like that little stuff that is playful that is what people are dying for we're just so many people are on autopilot and when you bring that playfulness that little flirtatious energy to men women alike things open up in in a very fun and exciting way does

that come from confidence because i' I've noticed that i' I'd certainly flirt with the world more now that I feel like I have a great sense of confidence that I didn't have when I was 18 to 25 yeah I think it's a circle I think it absolutely comes from confidence when you feel good you bring that playful energy to the world and I learned to develop confidence by there was a time of Faking it till I made it where I wasn't comfortable but I had this rule in my head I'm in the elevator I have

to say the thing right now that's what I did and then the interaction went well and now I'm building these reps of good experiences where I'm seeing that my belief about the world is this place that I just had to make it through is not true there's fun opportunities everywhere I really want to um make sure I've got everything on this first impressions Point as well is there anything else that I need to be aware of you talked about non-verbal cues and I mean there's so much information out there that says non-verbal cues are everything

that then maybe nothing do you think they matter and what are the most important non-verbal cues when it comes to making a good first impression one one of the ones that I see is prey versus Predator prey versus Predator movement and prey versus Predator gesticulation so if you think of an animal that is a prey animal like a a little bird or a little rabbit they're very like Herky jerky and they they Dart and you think of a predator you think of a lion or like this like sort of languid slow movement now you don't

have to dial it up to Sleepy lion level but one of the things that you see with people that feel very afraid is that they Dart their eyes are very diry the hand goes in the hand goes out goes back into the pockets very quickly a bit of slowness to your movements a bit of calm especially if you're an anxious person can help a lot that doesn't mean you need to lower the energy but it just means you can slow things down a bit the other thing that I find is this is almost pre-ir impression

if you're out at a social event right you're at a networking event you're at a bar I think a lot of people do not realize the intuitive sense that others have for what is going on around them and interactions they're not directly in and so what will happen and this is connected to the pray thing but not identical is that people go out to a networking event and they feel very uncomfortable in their own shoes and so they're looking at their phone or they're standing by the bar and they're sort of looking around for something

or someone to rescue them from their loneliness and when you can shift that to I am going to be comfortable where I am I'm going to find one person my friend and I would go go out to the bar and the rule that we had was the most interesting place in this entire bar is the space between our noses right it doesn't matter you can say whatever you want you could be like I'm terrified here I'm so scared I wish I could go home right now but we have to engage with one another it was

remarkable how much easier it was to start conversation when it was started from a place of we're enjoying one another's company and being playful and having a good time here versus two of us just sort of like standing at the bar going like this looking around for looking around off so yeah so those are two things one pray verse Predator movements and two are you exuding this Vibe of I don't have it somebody else does that that people have a unconscious sense that that is happening around them and so making it a conscious point to

I'm going to be cool in my own space when I interact with someone I'm not going to make them a stepping stone to another person that I'm more secretly attracted to or has the job that I want I'm with this person now and then I can move on that had a huge huge impact on the abil like First Impressions became easier because of the pre first impression mhm I mean there's so much I wanted to to dig into there on the prey versus Predator thing what is it about slow movements that make someone appear to

be higher status cuz cuz as you said it I immediately thought of the line and then you were talking about some little like Roden that's kind of like darting around and it's anxious that it's about to be eaten and then I thought of the line which is kind of just slowly moving and then I thought of business context where you've got the leader in the room who is kind of sat back in their chair they're doing things in a more considered way and maybe the intern who's like dropping the paper and like yeah like hitting

the glass accidentally and it's it's so interesting because it's so true yeah it's safety safety it's safety I mean prey animals are hunted and that's what you have to be head on a swivel if you're a prey animal you want to move slow you're dead it's over we're animals that are highly attuned to social status and so when we feel low on the totem pole we feel less safe and so one of the things that the ways that we exhibit that is we move more quickly we have our head on a swivel we have to

be aware of everything that is going on we can't take our time because we don't at some level that mamalian or Reptilian Brain is telling us that we are unsafe in this environment or at least less safe than the leader who feels very slow another thing that you'll see in terms of status and people who feel are is the ability to be seen looking at others and so one of the things that happens and this is I don't mean uh I can explain how this doesn't contradict the point about focusing on someone else but when

you do turn your attention to someone else what you'll see the guy at the bar who feels uncomfortable or the intern do is they'll often look with their eyes but not with the rest of their body they're they're doing this sort of stuff because they're afraid to be seen looking but when you take the person who is more comfortable they will turn their head and know sometimes their chest and their whole body towards other to and they can be caught looking because they're not threatening that other person they're not harming them they're not you know

they're comfortable versus there's a fear of if they see me looking I'm in trouble right and so these are little I wouldn't say that you need to spend all your time focusing on these hacks but they work both ways so it's one thing to notice that but if you actually consciously go to the body I think this is one of the fastest ways to influence how you feel like state in the moment instead of doing this and the prey guarding and the sitting with the hands in the pockets right that that creates a loop of

feeling uncomfortable so one of the first things that I would do when we I was going out to a networking event or a bar or anywhere where I felt uncomfortable was dance floor because on the Dance Floor I can go and open up and feel more comfortable through my body because I'm signaling to my body as I expand my arms and dance and wave them that I'm safe right and so it's a it's a two-way Loop so if you notice yourself at a network event a bar or anywhere where you're feeling uncomfortable and you notice

that you're doing this and you can say okay I can't go to my brain and make these anxiety go away up here but I can choose how I hold myself this is the Jordan Peterson stand up straight right it's there's there's this body Loop feedback that we get and if you do it by opening up your body language revealing your vulnerable spots which are the parts that your veins it's your neck it's your inner elbow it's your hands right standing like this a little bit more open that tends and I can feel it now I

don't know why I didn't do it at the beginning I'm a little a little bit Rusty jeez I feel immediately more grounded right I feel immediately more safe comfortable and like I can take my time in this interaction rather than having to get the answer right for you right for the audience like I might have when I was going like this it's I was going to say before you pointed that out that it's really self-fulfilling like the intern who's on edge who's dropping the paper is then going to make certain behaviors which are going to

kind of reinforce their insecurity and low status which is then might be pointed out they might notice it themselves which makes them feel again which makes them more on edge and Twitchy which is going to increase the probability that they conduct some kind of behavior which is and it's this downward spiral where you're like you feel stuck at the bottom of that and you're saying that by influencing the things you've described you know moving a bit slower being expansive with your body you can start to trigger the loop from the other way you can start

to make yourself feel safe if you feel safe you're more likely to do the higher value things which make you safe and you spiral upwards potentially yes yeah this is not an Insight unique to me Tony Robbins when at his events I don't know if you've gone they talk about incantations where one of the things that he does is prior to going on stage and he advises people to do this before they have a big moment is he will like bang his chest and go in his Tony Robins way and he'll have oftentimes a phrase

that is like I'm here to inspire or like I love myself I feel wonderful and I would do this before I went out right I would before I got in the taxi before I went anywhere I would go I love myself I love myself I love myself and I would just build this physical body energy connection and it's real it happens it it makes a dramatic impact on how you show up because often times you only get 30 seconds right it's not a lot of time when you're sitting down in that interview before the person

starts to form an opinion about you so going in with that that energy that is like look I approve of me and I'm going to have the body language communication that tells you that that's how I feel people often pick up on that you can think of interactions as two people who are storms of beliefs encountering one another and if my storm of belief is I'm not really sure about this I don't really think I deserve this job and you probably shouldn't talk to me and your storm of belief is I don't know a lot

about this guy but let's find out I'm going to win you're going to pick that up and you're going to go you know I don't think this guy deserves the job whatever but if the belief is I deserve to be here I love myself I can be comfortable I can be human and I'll be okay if this doesn't go the way that I'd like that's that's what wins out in these it's it is the higher conviction belief that often bleeds through in interaction and becomes the the one that defines that relationship at least for that

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