Why I Don't Go Home for the Holidays

I don't go home for the holidays and that surprises a lot of people and I don't do it because I don't like what going back home does for me and that's not just family that's friends environments places I go to people I speak with anything for me I left home because I wanted to be a different person I wanted to change my environment and I wanted to start clean and move in the direction of the person that I wanted to be I think the main reason that I want to make this video is because there's

probably a younger version of me out there that is terrified of the idea of not listening to their parents and going home for the holidays listen if you love your family and it's like the highlight of year then [ __ ] go if I'm talking to Young mosy the biggest fear that I had was what people would think about me if I didn't go out with them when I was back home because it's like well I'm back home for a week they're like yo you're back home let's whatever and I would feel obligated because I'm

back home and I'm only back home a couple times a year but the reason that I haven't been in touch with that person when I'm not back home is because they try and meet me in my past and treat me in a way that I used to accept them treating me as I've grown in their word changed I no longer accept the type of behavior and it's not just the things they say it's how they say it and a lot of times like it's not super direct a lot of times it's indirect especially if it's

people who like you this is why it's so tough when you have a cousin or an uncle who says oh you know how you are and they say like that cuz they want you to be like oh yeah I know how I am but the thing is is that when you do that you basically agree you accept their label of who you are which is often the person that you used to be that you literally left there to try and change this was super tough for me because you know I have lots of traditions and

hey come on like aunt whatever is going to make pumpkin pie again oh you know so so is bringing her meatloaf or whatever it is and so you can't miss it but the thing is is you absolutely [ __ ] can you can absolutely miss it I made a video about this four or five years ago and it was one of my top videos that I made and I thought it was worth a refresh and one of the things I said in the video was I have become increasingly intolerant of people treating me in a

way that I don't accept and I said you know maybe in the future 5 years from now I'll look back on this video and think hey maybe I was a little too harsh maybe I was a little too extreme and the reality is the exact opposite I'm even less tolerant now than I was then so if you're sitting on the couch right and someone says hey get over here if they said something like that to me in that tone I would say don't talk to me that way I'm not your dog like what do you

need they like uh just get over here and i' be like no you're just repeating the same thing and then it gets to this really awkward point in those awkward moments is when you reframe and you retach someone to treat you if you think it's uncomfortable for you it's even more uncomfortable for them one because they're not used to it and no one does this it's also why most people are mediocre and never get out of the Doom Loops they have from back home and they fall right back into the old behaviors that they were

trying to get away from when you're teaching that person of how you how you want to be treated you're saying you can do whatever you want I have no control over how you choose to speak to me but I do have control over what I will choose to do in response and so if you would like me to get up and help you with with this thing simply ask me hey Alex are you busy right now and I might say yes or no if I'm not you might say would you mind helping me with these

things and I might say of course happy to help but if you say get over here I'm never going to respond to that and you repeating it louder in no way makes makes it more likely it I'll respond a lot of times it's these little things like this it's these micro exchanges because it's rare that someone's like you are not happy Alex they don't really do that not often sometimes they do like I mean I'll give you a couple examples like ah you have such a short temper right I'll get that one when I go

back home anybody who knows me now probably would not describe me that way and here's a key Point what most people want to say even if they have the balls to to step up and this is and kudos for even stepping up if you say hey you know what please don't say that I'm really working on it that's a great half step in the direction but believe it or not it actually makes no progress here's why if you say I'm working on it you're still accepting their frame that you are that way if you want

to be a different person then you need to behave a different way which means that if you want to step into that identity of the person who doesn't struggle with drinking or doesn't struggle with their temper then imagine what that person would say in response so if you don't struggle with drinking and you have no temper and someone says hey Alex you know how you have a temper I would say no I don't I don't know yeah you do I mean you've always had a temper like I might have in the past I don't now

please don't speak to me that way it doesn't help me unless you prefer that I be angry whoa you're getting angry no I'm stating facts I'm asking a question would you prefer that I be angry no well then don't tell me that I am are you here to help me or are you here to get me to behave the way you want me to it's very tough for people to see people change because often times when we change in our world grow we remind them of the changes they've been incapable of making we remind them

of their own deficiencies of their own failures of the Comfort zones that they had been unwilling to step out of that we were willing to take the risk for to figure out whether your family and the people that you're going home to are conducive to your goals what behaviors do I need to do to achieve the goals I want and do these people support those behaviors or do they detract from those behaviors that's it if when you get in that environment you are less likely to do the behaviors that you say you're committing to so

that you can be the person you want to be and achieve the things you want to achieve then that would be a detractor if they are helping you and they are supporting you and they are they're clearing the way and they're giving you attention back then that's an amazing family and they are supporting you in your goals and this is the double-edged sword this is the Paradox is that the loving caring family that would say hey I respect that you're trying to make this change go do what's right for you so you can become that

person that's probably the family you'd want to go home to right and that's the Paradox of this if the family and the people around you the people that you went back home in high school and to have your your your high school parties with or whatever actually behave that way they wouldn't be there they'd be somewhere else right they would have moved on they would have grown themselves and so that's the tough part about it if you are young mosy and you don't have a lot waiting for you back home in terms of what you're

looking forward to I just want to give you one outside person's permission if you need that to not go home you can miss a holiday and if you need language around that you just just say I'm not saying this is forever I'm just saying this is for now that's it easy language and if they throw a tantrum that is on them they may miss you and the thing is is that there are elements that you may miss too the question is just whether it's worth the tradeoff here's an easy way to think about this when

you go home there are positives there are some things that are positive there are also things that are negative they exist separately it's the reason that people get into abusive relationships they have lots of positive and they also have lots of negative and so when they break up with the quote abusive person or the person that they have some chemically you know crazy Dynamic with they feel like they miss the person because reward does not decrease over time but your reminder of punishment does so let me give you a tactical example on this have you

ever finished a night of drinking and the next morning you say I'm never going to drink again probably but then what do you do the next weekend you drink why because punishment decreases in its Effectiveness over time you quickly forget and then you do it again reward is actually different than that which is why when you think about a relationship 10 years in the past you think about all the sweet memories because all of the punishment associated with the relationship disappears but then you get back in the relationship and you're like holy cow I forgot

all all this crap and so what happens is we spend a long time away from our families and we remember all the good we forget all the bad but then we get back home we're reminded of all the negative things and why we left to begin with I try to actively cue myself and remind myself of the many reasons that I chose to leave center point of that is because I didn't think it would help me become the person I wanted to become especially this is for young mosy if you are if you're in a

season right now of trying to become a new man or a new woman and you're trying to flex your muscles of being on time of being consistent of of maybe not drinking too much of of staying in the Rhythm that you're in right you've got you've got this little work grind that's going you've had you've had a good streak you're like being productive you're making progress don't break it it's not worth the trade-off how does you drinking Aunt son so's eggnog and having a couple of pictures and having some weird comments from your uncle that

you don't talk to that much and getting some political argument that doesn't matter anyways how does that make you better the only reason you go back is because you're afraid of what people will say imagine play it out you've got the whole family there and not you version a they just forget that you're not there and they keep living their lives in which case Kudos it's fine on the other hand the entirety of the room [ __ ] talks you the whole time you're there are you really sad you're missing it you choosing not to

go has no downside in terms of if they have a negative experience or you have negative experiences being there and if they treat you negatively and so we have all these positive memories because it's impossible to live an entire life without positive memories right you just also have negative ones and the question is is the upside worth the downside and so for me especially as I was coming up through this I noticed that I would get tons of anxiety going into the holidays I would dread certain occasions I would dread certain Traditions that would happen

and I hated all of it and one day I was like why am I putting up with this [ __ ] like there's no rule that says I have to go back and then I gave myself permission to not go back you know what happened I kept living and so did they the people from high school they just moved on they found other people to find Drinking Buddies with and if they're like oh Heros thinks he's better than us okay different for sure if you want to be exceptional and I will say this again then

it means you will be an exception the majority of people will not behave the way you are they will say why are you acting so weird why are you behaving this way this isn't normal what's going on they're going to ask you these questions because they want you to get back in line but back in line leads down the road and you know where that road ends and you you know that's not where you want to be that's for anybody who doesn't want to go home now if you do have elements of people who you

do love there and you have elements of people you don't like there then I would say just avoid the people that you don't want to be with and that means that you can just simply not respond to their text when they ask you to hang out I know crazy you can also just not put yourself in like if someone say hey sit next to me and you're like ah I don't want to crazy you just tell them the truth I don't want to this is the ab absolute litus t test for navigating these controversial conversations

elegantly is that you simply tell the truth and it's because there's so many perceived social obligations around holidays what's expected of you what you're supposed to do what you're supposed to pay for what you're supposed to help set up what about the tree what about the presents what are you going to do right if you still feel obligated you can send money for presents and say Here's money for everyone the truth is what you would say to your real friends or to the few people that you care about about the situation so I don't want

to go to my aunt's house it's like so and so drinks too much and so and so is always inappropriate and I always get in political arguments I just don't want to deal with it you say that to them you always get in political arguments you always get too drunk you're always inappropriate I just don't want to deal with it you just say that rather than making up some BS answer because they're going to overcome your BS because it's BS and so they will have the upper hand because they are telling the truth and you

are not you state the facts I don't want to come I'm doing really well or hey I will come on the condition that I'm not going to talk to so and so and I want to make sure that you as the host are okay with that and I will have a conversation with them up front letting them know that I'm not interested in talking to them you say hey Uncle John there's 38 people here at our holiday get together talk to any of the other 37 but me that's it and if you need to make

Grandma you're welcome to just don't include me in it please also one of the things that I think is underrated is is Leisure Time just because you are home and you don't have some scheduled doesn't mean everyone has free access to your time if you want to stay in and watch a movie because you're on holiday break and it's one of the few times that you just do that even if it's just you and not even with your family then if someone says hey let's go out and you say no I'm good and they say

what like what are you busy tonight or what do you have plans or if they start with hdf plans and you say no and they say you want to go out you can also right after they say that say no because rest is productive if it Nets you a gain in how much you can do if you rest well during the holidays and you're more productive after the holidays that's a good thing if you feel like you have to recover from your holidays then you don't even get the main benefit of holidays if we think

about how we curate our environment the wealthier the people that I meet the more contained and pristine their environments are they don't allow people who are detracting from the people they want to be and the behaviors they want to do in and so think about Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos or Steve Jobs think about the teams of people that they have around them do you think you can be an idiot and be in Elon musk's presence do you think you can be a drunkard and be in bezos's presence do you think you can be like

an idiot and passive aggressive and Mak SN remarks in in in Steve Jobs presence no why because they're intolerant of that they have a higher standard and so if you remember the first girlfriend or first boyfriend you ever had versus what your standards are today your standards rise as you grow as you become better so too do your expectations or rather should your expectations become of others that you surround yourself with and so if you're spending all this time working on the person and the character that you're trying to build and then you just dilute

it with crap around you it's very tough to get back to that which is why you feel like you have to take one or two weeks to shed the bad behaviors and the bad habits that you picked right back up when you went back home and so for me it's like I would rather not have you know a week or two of of bad bad lack of rest where everyone feels that they're entitled to my time entitled to my energy going into another week or two afterwards where I have to recover from this vacation it's

like I just I ate up three four weeks of my year it's 8% of my year my whole year because of a social expectation to me that's ridiculous and so I don't subscribe I opt out we create our reality we create the Rules of Engagement for other people to interact with us we teach and reinforce others for the way that they treat us if we don't like the way someone treats us we don't like the way someone talks to us it's our responsibility to set it straight and if they do not adhere to the agreements

that you have set then you don't need to play anymore and their loss is your company and then you keep living in your life I think this is epic tetus but he says like how do you get angry at a rock you can call a rock names you can shout at it you can stop your feet but the rock just stays a rock and so if they get all upset just be the rock be like I understand got it not going to change my behavior but I understand having these hard conversations gives us the space

to be the people that we want to be on the terms that we set rather than the ones that are thrust Upon Us by social expectations and cultural norms that were created for people who are not trying to achieve the goals that we are I'm only sharing this because some of you who are listening to this are actually going to achieve big [ __ ] and it's going to feel really lonely for a lot of that time and it's because you're going to feel like the odd man out and you're going to feel like what

you're doing is contrary to what everyone else is doing the people who are back there are going to you know call you names behind your back they're going to say you think you're better than them they're going to say that you forgot where you came from and you just develop a thicker skin because you realize that they say those things and yet you still continue and yet you keep living and you keep getting closer to your goals and then the thing is is goal after goal starts falling down and you get more and more evidence

that this path is the path you should be on and you'll feel more and more confident to the point where in the future you you just have no issue with that you'll have zero tolerance someone texts you just block them like I don't care I don't need it I just don't need it and so I am significantly less tolerant than I was in my first video four or five years ago and I was pretty intolerant then maybe 5 years from now I'll uh I'll recant all of this stuff but maybe 5 years from now I'll

say the same thing that I do now and maybe I'll be even less tolerant I'm making this for young mosy who needs to hear that and if you have an amazing family that's awesome go back enjoy the holidays keep living you but this is just for the people who aren't stoked about going back for the holidays and are not sure what to do