Every Time Amy Schumer Appeared on 'Ellen'

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Our next guest was the last female standing and one of my favorites on NBC's summer hit last comic standing. Please welcome Amy [Applause] Schum. Thank you. Wow, thank this is incredible. I I love Ellen and this is I'm not used to this kind of attention. I mean, when I was younger, I never got attention from guys, but then you know the old story. I got the braces off of my legs and uh yeah, things really picked up. But uh I was not a cute kid. I actually dated a mime in college.

I didn't even know he was a mime at first. I thought he was just like pale and quiet and I just I could never get close to him, you know? It was like it was like there was a wall between us, you Know, just it was hard. And and he actually broke up with me and it was in public and it was so embarrassing because he was like I was like, "Can I keep the beret?" You know, but I've been dating this really, really great guy for about a month and um he actually just proposed

that we see other people. and I accepted um you know but uh no I Actually did I went through a bad breakup this year but I know it's just you want everything to be perfect right and we just we wanted totally different things in the bedroom like he was always turning the lights on and I would shut him off and he put him on and right before we broke up he was like Amy why are you so shy you have a beautiful body and I was like oh my god you're so cute you think I

don't want you to see me Thank you so Much. That was funny. Very funny. We'll be right back. We're going to talk with Amy over there. We come back. Don't go away. We are back with Amy Schumer uh from Last Comic Standing. And I was a big fan early on. I thought you were very, very funny. And I think you're going to do I mean, you've only been doing this three and a half years. That's that's amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah, you're going to do very well. And now people are writing About you, I

assume. Are you reading your press? Are you Yeah, I'm reading it. And you know, some people say really sweet things and then some people say mean things, but I can find like a positive spin on any of them. Like somebody wrote, um, has anyone else noticed Amy's becoming a homely Nicole Kidman? And I was like, they think I look like Nicole Kidman. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I was really excited about it. Yeah. That's the way to do it. That's What I heard. Yeah. And you'll need to do that because you're going to be written about

a lot. So, you need to to definitely just just pay attention to the positive because you're going to go on tour. Yep. I'm about to leave for three months with me and four guys. So, wish me luck. Yeah. I I did 15 years of that touring and and you know, because usually there's not two women on the bill. It's one woman and two guys, opener and middle and all That stuff. And I was always the opener and h it's it's hard. But you But there's something to look forward to. No, not really. Uh, no. You'll

love it. And what do you want to do? You want to keep doing standup or do you want to do I'm an actor and I love standup. I just want to do standup forever. I'm totally addicted to it, but I want to keep acting. I've always Yeah. Well, you've got you've got a great delivery. You've really got a really Good, you know, I just I love your style. And then So, who's who's left? There's the uh We have Lavel Crawford and John Reap. The two finalists. Okay. Yeah. Oh, there they are. Those two guys right

there. All right. Well, I'm sorry that you didn't end up in the finals. I think you're very funny and but you're going to do very well. Thank you so much. All right. Thanks, Amy. You know what? I said it before, I'll say it again. You're a very, very funny woman. I saw you on Last Comic Standing. That's the last time you were here. How long ago was that? Seven years ago. Wow. That's We haven't aged a day. No, we haven't. We look amazing. If we Oh, that's not why we do this. Yeah. Oh, maybe a

couple of days. Maybe we look like Take that down. That's great. Yeah. That's not cool. Not cool. Not cool at all. blaming, but I saw you on Last Comic Standing and I wanted to have you on the show cuz I thought you were very, Very clever, very funny, and you've done very well. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Yeah, you um Thank you. Yeah, I was so excited that you wanted to have me on. That was the biggest deal in the world to me. And I I was about to go on my first tour and you

were encouraging me. I felt very encouraged by you, but I could tell you were kind of trying to warn me with your eyes also like it's a jungle out there. The road's going to be hard. And uh it is it's hard. Yeah, it's rough. Yeah. You're always on a plane or in a hotel room and and a strange city all the time. So now you get to live in New York and do your show and you're starting is it the second season? Yes, the second season starts tomorrow. It's very funny. Thank you. Thank you so

much. Yeah. And uh I'm really proud that we get to shoot it in New York. And uh but I I just I grew up loving female comics and my Favorite shows were I loved watching Gilda on SNL and um Lucille Ball and Carol Brunette and you uh and so to to have my own show is like a really really big deal and it's a very successful show on Comedy Central as well. So congratulations on that because yeah, you're getting good good reviews, good ratings, all that important stuff. Now, you're going to you you went to

the Vanity Fair party, so you're in with the in crowd here. I am very rich and Famous, as you guys can tell. Obby, right? Um, no. I thought it was a mistake that I was invited. Uh, even my publicist who does the publicity for the show was like really confused why they were going to allow me to be there. Like, she's like, "Do you know someone that works at that restaurant? Like, why are you invited?" And uh, and I was so excited. I brought my sister and I saw you there and you you guys looked

amazing and I thought the nicest thing I Could do would be to not talk to you. Uh that was my gift to you. Oh, there's me and my sister. Um my road manager also. And um I'm sorry I didn't see you. I would have said hello, but it's it was crazy. There are a lot of people there. Everyone is so famous. I thought it was a mistake. I thought we would get there and somebody would hand me a tray and be like, "You're going to stand here and give out shrimp shumai." And I was like,

"Great. People love that." Yeah. Uh, but we got all doled up and we felt really beautiful. We were like, "Wait," because I think every woman you're you're like kind of suspicious like am I maybe gorgeous? Like maybe maybe I'm a model and I haven't just like stumbled on the right look yet, you know? And uh and I got there and I felt really good and and then I walked in and was just hit with a wall of all the Sports Illustrated uh Swimsuit models and I was like, "Oh, okay." Okay. And I understood like I'm

not really a woman. I'm just I'm harvesting organs for a real woman in case like if Kate Upton one day needs a liver, I'll be like, "Here, this is yours." Like, please. Right. I realized that night because I feel good. I know how to dress where it looks good on me. Like I highlight this area a lot like right above the knee or Here. Like this this 3/4length sleeve. This is not an accident. This is like Look, it's like what? How's there no ring on this finger? This girl is Look at this section. But then

like here it kind of hits the fan under here. It's like kind of like a lava lamp. Like things are things are moving and nothing really settles, you know? Just it's very confusing in this section. Oh wow. You're getting a lot of people that'll Be calling you now because that's I was um and and there's a picture that I saw that I don't really fully understand. Can you explain? Yeah. Oh, wait. Did don't put it up yet if you didn't put it up yet. Okay. Um so my sister, I brought her with me and uh

and I I saw the Hemsworth brothers standing together. God's gift to the world. The most beautiful men and maybe women walking around and I just said I was like, "Oh my gosh." And we'd already Taken our heels off because we were we're out of the running. Nobody's looking at us like women. So I'm like, "Get a picture of us." and my sister were so close. I've never asked her for anything. I've I've given her the world. So, we just get this picture of me with these gorgeous boys. So, I stand in the middle and this

is the picture that my sister takes of me. [Applause] That's her. There's my sister. I've Given you so much, Kim. I've done everything for you. Thank you for everything. She Wow. Just what what a failure. What a failure. That is really sad. Wait, we have to take a break. And uh I apologize that that happened. We should get those guys here. Next time they're here, you're here. We'll get a picture of you with them and your sister will be nowhere around. Get out of here. All right. All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back

with Amy Schumer. We are back with the hilarious Amy Schumer. And uh we had an earthquake here. Uh did you feel the earthquake? Yes, this was my first earthquake. I uh Thank you. It was so scary. Yeah, that's like the one thing we have over LA and New York. We're like, "Well, at least we don't have earthquakes." Um but uh I was I woke up to it and I I'd been like starting to see this new guy and and uh you really learn a lot about somebody during an earthquake Because I you know, you would

think he'd be like, "Oh, are you okay?" Okay. But he actually tried to use me as a human shield in in case like a beam fell on him or something. So I'm single. What? Chivalry is dead. Yeah. Well, it's not really, but that's not the right guy for you. But so are you dating a lot? Yeah. What do you mean dating? Oh, okay. Um, yeah, I am. I'm uh I'm trying to date not a comedian. That's my new thing. Yeah. And so I went out the other night Actually with this civilian and we go out

and he was really nice and I'm not used to nice men. So he was um like telling me about his job and he I didn't he was like an engineer and I was like do you work on a train? I don't understand what that means. I know it's like a smart person but I like went to a state school. So, um, like I really only understand Halloween costume jobs like fireman, nurse, hooker, like things I've gone as, You know, but he's being so sweet and he said to me, he gave me a compliment. I think

you're supposed to say it to a nice girl. He was like, "Ah, girl, those eyes." And I was like, "No." He's like, "What do you mean no?" I'm like, "Like like I'm 32. If my eyes were a thing, I would have heard about them by now, you know? I don't think so. So, he's out. He's out. Oh my god. Amy, you're hilarious. The second season of Inside Amy Schubert begins tomorrow night at 10:30 on Comedy Central. Uh God, you're funny. I'm so glad to see you again. Oh, I have a gift for you before you

go. I just realized. Um because I felt bad about that picture that your sister took. So, we got you something and Look at the Look at these faces. I can't thank you. What is my hand doing? Like what's happening? Okay. Caressing his chest. I can't thank you Enough. This is the best gift ever. Thank you. Let me know where you hang it. Okay. All right. So, uh, hi. Hi. How's the the poster doing that we gave you? Well, um, I realized when I got home that it was a hostile hostile gift. Um, So, you got

me that that portrait and I live in Manhattan, so my apartment is the size of this chair. So, it takes up my whole apartment. Oh, no. Yeah. Why don't you move here? Then you'd have a bigger place. Do you like it here? But I Mean, I don't fit in here. Just straight like straight up body type. Like in LA, my arms register as legs. They're just like like why is that octopus on Sunset? is that it's not it's not for me out here. It's not. No, but I you know What do you do when you're

here? I cry. I just sit in my room balling. No, I uh Well, last last time I was here, right from the show, I I got court courtside tickets to a Laker game. That's fun. Yeah, cuz my My uh business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me. Um Well, but no, I'm like 33, so I'm just starting to really appreciate that. You know what I mean? Well, it's true. I I can't speak for everyone. I'm not like sexually har. But in your 20s, I feel like you walk around like you'll walk

past a construction site and be kind of like, oh, like don't look. But then in your 30s, you know, you I'm just like, what about this? Like Come up. It's like my skirts over my head. I'm like, they're like we're eating. But uh it changes. It really does. It changes. So, I I got courtside seats, which you sat courtside at a game, right? I thought I went I thought it would be free booze. Um, it's not it's not I guess you have to like be on the team to get free booze. So, I go I

get randomly seated next to Diana Egron. You know, the actress, she's on Glee. She Played the cheerleader Quinn. That I mean, that lets you know how hot she is. Yeah. Oh, there we go. There's the picture. Thanks for Yes. Isn't that great? She's like the most gorgeous girl ever. Her name was Quinn on that show. To pull off that name. Yeah. Like if my name were Quinn on a show, they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper that does a jig time it again, you know?" But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?

So, and the whole night She's like she's like this because she knows people are taking pictures of her. I obviously don't. I learned a I learned that my resting face is just a scowl. It's [Applause] just And I learned, you could see that I have what I'm now calling an at risk chin. Um, this is not a good section. If I don't like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself. Just I become the Dinosaur in the jeep in Jurassic Park. [Laughter] So, I'm like no idea people are seeing pictures. I'm pounding red wine

and I I thought it was free and I I'm get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know? Like just first like sniff of Merllo, just true blood mouth. I look like I've been feeding and I'm eating popcorn the way I think we all eat popcorn which is you know at first don't you always kind of start out kind Of like lying to yourself like oh a little hot like one piece at a time you know and then and then like you get a little more real right and then eventually you just like you

get real real and it's just like I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel It's true in my dumb mouth. It is true. And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it's me. And I learned I look like her. Actually, I look like her If she were stung by a million bees. It's true. I look like her if she were like becoming the Hulk. That's And she, you know, she wanted to be friends and I'm like, I can't I can't. We don't have We're not the same thing. Like she was telling me

hot people problems, you know? She's like, "He won't stop calling." And I'm like, "I hate that." Do you eat popcorn like that, though? Are you a popcorn lover? Yeah, I do. And I eat it exactly like that. Right. That's why I'm so annoy. I'm single again. So, I'm going to have to start dating some guy and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like, "Do you want to get popcorn?" And I have to be like, "Oh, I hadn't even thought about it." He's like, "What size?" And I'm like, "Small. Look at me and right

like a small part. That's like taking one Advil. Like get out of here. Get I want to tough and I want to Dunk my head in it and and then you know I'll be pretending not to think about the problem. Hilarious. So when you say you're going to start dating again, that means that you're are you dating at all? No, I um Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?" Thank you. Um, you can't. And not just because I'm not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now,

but also but also Thank you. Oh my god. No, but I'm I'm not on any dating Websites. I don't I I'm on I have one like app on my phone that's kind it's it's called food spotting and it it's like Tinder but for food. So it lets you know this is totally real. It lets they let you know about food in your area. So like this week in LA I was like eyeing this one particular scone and uh under a mile away. Coincidence? Probably not. So I'm like should I go? And my friends were like,

"Go like check it Out." So I went to the scone and I kind of just like sidled up to it and I was like, "Oh my god, you look just like your picture." So kind of dating kind of. It's different than that. You should Oh my god. Pretty much the same exact It's almost exactly the same. Uh we're going to take a break and we're going to talk about uh you hosting the movie awards and uh and your show coming back and the movie that you're doing and so Many things. So many good things. We'll

be back with Amy. So you're hosting uh the awards now. Is this something that you think about? Do you get nervous about? Have you hosted an award show? No. The only thing I've hosted so far is HPV. So, I feel um um No, it's not detectable, my sister. I I just went back to annual paps, but um I I'm really excited. No, I didn't. It's weird that you're not dating. I Where is it? What's wrong? Why? Um I I didn't even know I was up for the job. And I got to do a show at

Carnegie Hall. you know, dream for a comic. Yeah. And I'm from New York. So I uh and that night I was just so excited. All my high school friends were there and then my publicist Carrie Beck Bick, something like that. Um she's like my best friend and I'm just like nervous, but she uh she's like, "You got it." And I was just like, "What?" And it was she's like, "You're hosting." And my High school friends went crazy. They now they finally think I've made it. They're just like MTV. I'm like, "How old? We're like in

our 30s. Relax." But um yeah, I don't know. my friends. Actually, the uh there's an article I was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, which I'm so proud of. Look at this. I mean, look at the cover of Yay. I was so excited about that. Yeah. Mini little little uh alcohol bottles. Those are actually full size, but I am a Giant. Oh, I'm on Game of Thrones. Do you like me? Um but one of my my best friends, Chelsea Peretti, she had a quote. They asked questions about me and she said Amy doesn't care what

anyone thinks of her to a clinical degree and uh I was like kind of an insult but but she's right. So I'm just I just want to have a really good time and I want everybody to laugh. That's how everyone should live is to not worry about what anybody Thinks. That's the best way to be fully yourself. Yeah. So this movie you are starring in it. You wrote it. Jud Appattow is directing and producing. Right. I also did craft service on it. I um I drove the trailers. Uh yes Jud directed it. But you wrote

it. I mean, so it is called Train Wreck. Train Wreck. Now, is it about me? Yes. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Of course, it's about me. Yeah. Train wreck. It's um it's a story about a a girl uh who's, you know, In her 30s and like her behavior isn't really cute anymore. All the drinking and spreading herself a little too thin. And whoa, judgmental. And uh guys, I'm fine. And then uh and you know she falls in love and and when is this coming out? It's actually not. They decided not to release it. July

17th. July 17th. Can I stay with you till then? Because I haven't gotten my first check for the movie. Would that is that cool or plenty of room? Okay, Cool. Thank you. We would love to have you. That'd be great. Bring your your Hemsworth Brothers. Uh I do. I travel with that. Okay, you do have it with you. Um, and uh, your show is coming back on Comedy Central for the third season, starting up again. Congratulations. Thank you. This season, I'm so proud. Yes. April 21st. Yeah. Please watch it. Don't just clap and then like

not watch it. Okay. Be cool. Be real. Oh my god, you make me laugh. So, you're hilarious. We are back with Hillary Clinton and we're talking about Twitch and how fantastic Twitch is during the Oh, no. Amy, let's go, girls. Amy, no. No skating at all. Not even roller. No, no skating. See, Hillary Clinton is here. What? What? Wait, so we're not skating at all? We're not skating at all. It's not just ice skating. You just said no ice skating. You should have been more Specific about that, Ellen. I think you know that. So, we're

not skating no matter what. No, no skating. Okay. What about you, Hill? You want to go skating? What about you? I'd love to. Do you have an extra pair? Yeah. Okay, Hill. I'll be back for you later. Bye, guys. I love her. She's great. You guys are listening. Our next guest is hilarious and her new book is called The Girl with a Lower Back Tattoo. Please welcome my friend Amy Schumer. Heat. Heat. Was that the worm? That was the worm. I thought the pressure of being out here would give me the ability to do it,

but it didn't. It didn't happen for me. No, it's hard to do the worm. It's not as easy as I thought. Now I'm pretty winded. Oh, you could just talk for a little bit. Well, I kind of I would love To talk for a little bit. You were supposed to be here last week and at the last minute that morning you canled because you had fever and you were sick. Yeah. And you were you were going to have healers come over. How'd that work out? I have cupping marks on my butt. Did it work? Yes,

it did work. They're really good. Cupping works. Wow. And not I'm not talking about I'm you know I mean like with the cups. Yes. I feel a lot better. But it turns out if you work Really hard non-stop for 15 years and don't take a break, it's not like good for your body. Yes. I didn't know. I came here before I ever went on the road ever. You know, 10 years ago. I was like, "Is it going to be good?" And you were like, "Mhm." And you were you were telling the truth. It's hard. It's

hard. It's hard to be on the road because you're in a different hotel room. All that. Which is why I said everyone should start coming to me and I got a Show so they would come to me because this is great. Touring is harder. She's smart. You're smart. I'm stupid. Yeah. That's nice. You You bring everything to you. Yeah. These are all gifts. These are people they can give. They're like sacrifices. That's a bowl of onions. I think Oh, I don't know that that's good. Yeah. So, uh, congratulations. I You're You're in love. You're happy.

You have a boyfriend since I saw you last. Yes, I do. Thank you. He's very lucky. Um, I think it was kind of because of my appearance on here last time. He saw my outfit and he was like, I want to get involved in this. Really? Yeah. Did you have an outfit that was skimpy? Um, I was roller skating in front of Hillary. It was that that's right. That obviously he was like dating app. Yeah. I we met and I think neither of us were really looking for anything but we really liked each other right

away and I liked him so much I was Like I'm going to make him wait, you know, and I did like all through dinner. I um now we didn't go to dinner but he uh he he was awesome. We've been very honest with each other. I was like upfront I was like look I'm real I'm realistic you know I was like I know for a fact that I don't have any diseases left and oh you guys have never been tested Ellen's Audience sorry I know it's the holidays but uh but we just had our year

anniversary. That's very cute. Yeah. Thank you. We made it. It's still early. We're still like lying, but uh but we we neither of us had ever been to France because we're both trash, right? And so we were like, "Let's go." And so we go and it's it was like, you know, we want to be romantic. It's an intimidating city. And then we had one Of those hotels where the bathroom when you're in it and someone goes like you hear it loudly in the whole room, you know, like you could hear everything. And we both got

violent food poisoning. Violent. And so it hits him first and he's in there just and then the way it um manifested itself in me is basically I was in there just like like how do I say this? Just kind of like just like machine gun just like Like and I knew it was over. I'm yelling at him like, "It was so great dating you. I wish you the best luck. You're going to meet the greatest girl." You know, but I knew I knew it was over. You know, who can make it through that? And then

I thought I'm just going to be the one with that end. And he's going back in there. I used to put his head where I was just and then under a year we're together and but Then I start I he hears me go and I grab the trash and I had to so all ends. I I was like the fountain on friends, you know, basically and that is when I learned not to ever throw up in a wicker basket. That's when you learn. Isn't that awful? That is all true. Oh my god. We're still together.

And you're still together. Still together. It was a bonding experience. Yeah. Those bathrooms are bad enough when you're just not sick. Uh Yeah. Even if you put the water on, then it's just water and you know, that's a lot. Oh man. Um I I saw uh you're you're doing a movie with Goldie Han. Yes. Which and she plays your mom. Is that right? Yes. Yeah. Uh where she's my younger sister. Um no. Yes, she plays my mom. I have been the biggest Goldie fan forever. You fantastic. I mean, I just And your book and her

book and just she's just Yeah, she's been such a huge idol for me forever. And so I just like Begged her. We fought to do this movie together. And uh and we had the best time. I got to hang with Kate Hudson, right guys? Kate Hudson. Very nice. Fun. So fun. And um they were like, "Do you want to go swim with the dolphins?" And I was like, "Okay." Like again, trash. We didn't grow up doing things like that. And so we went and on my bucket list it was it was high up on the

list to be photographed in a bathing suit next to Kate Hudson. That was that was Really cool. Like and Goldie looks Goldie's 70. She's in her 70s and I'm and like I am like the friend who they're like Amy will take the pictures, you know. It was just They're like, "Is Amy the one with kids?" I'm like, "No, actually, I haven't had kids. That's just That's just what's up. That's what's happened." Oh my god. That's me. That's not like a guy on the front of The boat. Like, that's me. That's not like a weird dude.

What's What's the name of the movie that you And and this is the big reveal of the of the name. I heard there's no name until now. And it's not a joke. The name is Snatched. Snatched. Yeah. All right. That's us in the movie. There you are. All right. Uh we're going to take a break. More with Amy after this. We're back with Amy Schumer. And uh first of all, you look amazing. And uh Thank you. You do. Bless. You're on you're on the cover of all these magazines and you're doing great and you look

beautiful and uh you got it. It's amazing. You you got some crap about Oh yeah. I mean, really, I want to talk about this. You posted the most amazing thing on your Instagram, and if you if you haven't read it, you should go to Amy's Instagram to read what explain what Happened. Okay. On the spot. No, I uh you're on my show, hun. Um I uh you know, there was an announcement that I might star in this movie as uh playing I won't say the name of it, but it rhymes with Schmarby. And uh and

of course there was a headline that was like water is wet and Amy Schumer is being trolled by you know um so a bunch of times throughout my career people have been like you're too fat or just I've been you know bullied and what's cool is um From being in the public eye for this long is people you first of all you build up um thicker skin from it and then you're like wait a minute no I I look in the mirror and I know who I am and I feel beautiful and I feel strong

and sexy. And it doesn't matter. Thank you. It doesn't matter what, you know, and the people I think online trolling are in more pain than we could possibly imagine. And I just, you know, for women Of all ages, there's no one too young or too old to understand. It's just it never stops. And it really has to be about knowing who you are. And and like every day I look in the mirror and I'm like, I can work with this you know? I'm like, "All right, what's up? What's up? this. I'm sorry. I regret that.

I regretted it as I got up and nope. All right. Well, it happened. Yeah. You shouldn't regret that at all. No, but What you wrote is is beautiful and I and I I hope that all all the women and men should read that and because it's it's not okay. It's not fair. And congratulations. You got two Grammy nominations. One for your HBO special. Thank you. And your book was number one the last week, two weeks on New York Times best. Four, but it's not about that. Four, maybe five. I don't know. It's not. No, I'm

really proud of it. It's It's a great It's hilarious book. It's very personal. You share a lot of stories. It's a great holiday gift. I If I'm you and I'm Catholic, I'm converting to Judaism and I'm buying it for all eight nights of Hanukkah. Now, hear me out. Every night people are so surprised. Yeah. No, I thank you in the book and I want to thank you here. You have been the biggest supporter of me and and just such an inspiration and making me laugh so hard and just thank you because the Only reason I'm

here is because of people who well it is my just of course anything I can do to support you. You're hilarious. We take a break more with Amy after this. We're back with the bestselling author Amy Schumer and uh in the book you talk about uh you you worked in a in a lesbian bar. That was one of your jobs. Yeah. And uh tell that story. Okay. Um, thanks for teeing me up. Perfect. I did I I was hired to work at this lesbian bar and as what? A Bartender. As a lesbian. Um, and I

thought first I thought great, no men, you know, and uh and then but I forgot that it was going to be like, you know, women, all women, like what should I get to drink? I'm like, I don't know. What do you drink? Like get rubbing alcohol. That's what I do. Uh but and then I really thought, "Oh, they're all going to hit on me." Like, "How am I going to break it to them that I'm straight?" And no one ever hit on me Even once. I was let go. That's very sad. Yes, it is sad.

It's very sad. And you were let go. I was let go. They said, "We're letting you go." And I was like, "I didn't ask to go." How was it? How was that? You also have a story and and pictures of uh stuffed animals that you weird stuffed animals. So cute. I'm sorry. What? They're very strange. And your boyfriend is freaked out also. He um does not care for these stuffed Animals. That's the gang. Yeah. And um and he gets really mad at me. He's like, "Get them out of our bed. It's they're they look diseaser

and it's not cute." And I'm just like, don't make me choose them or you because you know you know which way it'll go. Well, I got He's going to be mad at me because I got something to add to this. We found this online and we all debated whether to just keep it because we really wanted to keep it ourselves, but Um I mean babe, I'm bringing her home. This looks like me. A little tiny tiny bit. Looks like a tiny bit. How crazy is that? I just can't thank you enough. Oh, you're welcome. So

awesome. I love it. I love all the bellies. I know. It's so great. I know. It's fantastic. This is like one of my favorite shows that we do every year. This is so much fun. Amazing. Are Are they all keeping it? [Applause] There's no pillows in there. Okay. I asked him that. No. Okay. No, I just assumed we haven't really gotten that yet too personal. I love that you're coordinated. I love each other. I literally walk in the backstage, you know, back getting ready to get on. I said, "My god, we're black and white cookies.

I like it." By the way, I need to I know that y'all didn't know each other before, but when you first met Goldie, was it something you Were intimidated? Were you scared to meet her? Um, I I was scared to meet her because I meeting your heroes can be such a bummer. You know, they say, "Don't meet your heroes." And I mean, seriously, you know, I'm sure you like see a famous person on the street and you're just like, "Oh, hi." And then they're just like and uh but um which is what happened with Goldie.

No, it was like she just surpassed any hopes I could ever want. You know, I've my whole Family has loved her forever and she was so sweet right away. It really made me feel bad about how I am with strangers. Why? I'm just like, you know, a little more protected from being a road comic, all the things that have been said to me over the years. So, yeah. So, somebody comes up to you, you're like, "Oh, what hurtful thing are you going to say?" But um but I've learned how to be more open for not

as open as you ladies. That's open. That's that's as open as it gets. I've been open few times myself. Yes, they are really proud. One of them I really think is crowning. There's a woman right in the back. I'm concerned. Yeah, there's some uh like how when did you do right there? On the two weeks ago, 12 days. 12 days. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Wow. Is anyone due? Is anyone due like this week? Really? Oh my gosh. Wouldn't that be Try to make them laugh that their water breaks? Okay. This is like Oh,

this is ridiculous. I'm getting emotional. Are you? I am. There's so many babies coming. A that's so I know it's love and I'm not even hormonal anymore. Wow. It's awesome. Yeah, it is. It's a beautiful thing and because we need some Happy, loving, compassionate babies in this world right now. So, bring them bring them in. Yeah. Especially all the boys they're having. Yeah, I know. Especially all the boys. You need to work on those boys that you're having. Raise them to be very sweet. Yes. Um I want to hear about this dinner. So you went

to dinner at at Goldie and Curt's house. Oh, I want to hear cuz I can't imagine. Well, did you understand what you were opening the Door to when you invited her over? You you said you regretted it immediately. Is that correct? It was scary. Our house is amazing. like, you know, we we've been together, you know, for a long time, so I kind of knew what to expect and we would have been happy in our pajamas together as well in my house, right? But, you know, it was really great cuz Kurt got to, you know,

Oh, yeah. So, Kurt um he opens the door and it's the most beautiful place I've Ever seen. And uh and he just says like, "Amy, it is so meaningful to meet you. I'm just I I love Goldie so much and you're so important to her." And uh and I'm looking at him just thinking, we sat next to each other through the whole Golden Globes. Um oh my god. I mean the the warmest just the warmest greeting. And I'm just like And then again today I posted a video of us all over there like you know

drinking Dancing and he goes when what did he ask you? He looked at me. I showed it to him early this morning and I looked at him. He said, "Where was that?" I said, "That was our house, honey. Home like two." I said, "David, should I be scared?" Yeah. I was like, "No flag." You know, he lives in the moment, you know? That's what I love about Kurt. And then he forgets about it a moment later. But he's he's he's Nemo. He's a goldfish. Like, literally. Oh, that's What you meant. That's what I meant by

goldfish. Okay. You're like spirally Dory. Dory did. Dory forgot. Not Dory. Right. Right. Right. So sorry. I read the book. I read the book. Oh my god. I read the book. All right. So, I want to hear about seriously the the drinking the amount of drinking that went on because Wanda Sykes was here and she was talking about there was supposed working out, but it was more drinking in workout attire. Well, first of all, Wanda Sykes is a drunk. Okay. And it's time that someone called her out on that. Right. Right. I mean, seriously, she

was a very bad influence on us. Very bad. Is there vodka in this? Yeah. Is that what is that? Yes. Wanda. And well, the thing another thing Goldie and I have in common is that we all day dress like like we're working out just in case a workout happens, you know, just we're ready to go. And uh and then you saw Wanda at the gym, right? I did. We were working out at the gym and then, you know, we got a good workout in and I said, "Where are you going?" She says, "I'm going up

there to have." I said, "I want to go up there with you." So, why don't we just go up there to the bar and have together? And that's pretty much what we did. We sat there and we would have wonderful cocktails. And you know what's nice about living in the same hotel for three months, right? Everybody Knows what cocktail you like. Oh, yeah. That makes it easier, right? So, and it makes you feel like at home when you're like listening to the guy play the piano and I don't know. I don't know experience. What? Yeah.

Yeah. It's like we don't all have a guy on the piano at home. Yeah, I know. But no, but Wanda, I think was like, you know, thought was like, oh, go to my room, change. Goldie's like, let's go straight to the bar. I did. I did. We were We were a Little sweaty, but we were ready to, you know, get down. Yeah. That's what she liked about it. She liked that there was not so much of a workout. She acted like there was no workout at all, actually. Well, I don't I can't say that she

was in a a sweat. You know what I mean? By the way, Wanda, uh I and I told her this on the show, uh that hat she wore in the movie, she stole I knew it. Yeah, she had she came to my house one day and this was a long time ago cuz y'all shot A long time and she was wearing that hat. I noticed and then I saw the movie and I was like, "That's the hat you were wearing at my house. You stole that hat." She stole the hat. Really keep an eye on

her. Yeah. Okay. I'm just letting you know for next movie. Thank you. All right. So, it is the movie is called Snatched and uh if you'll explain uh briefly, please in 20 words or less what it's about. I don't know. You can do as Many words as you want. Um Big House Fire. Um Oh, that's Manchester by the Sea. I'm sorry. Yeah, different story. I'm just catching up on the Oscar movies. Uh it's um my my boyfriend I'm supposed to go on vacation with him. He breaks up with me and no one else will go

with me. So, I I invite mom and she Yeah. And she goes and she's scared of everything in the world and it all goes wrong. It all happens. It's very very funny. I texted you when I was watching It. Pora and I were watching it and I like like you didn't know what the movie was. But just to prove it, I I was recording it and I sent it to you. We're watching. It was so fun to see and then I got greedy. I was like, "Can you keep sending me videos of you guys watching

it?" You're like, "Oh my god, this girl is really greedy." And then I did and you didn't respond. Um very busy. I'm very busy. Then you were busy. Um but you are um comfortable with your body. We know that. But there's a there's a scene where your breast is just completely out. I thought they took that out in editing. Oh, no. Wow. Yes, there is a scene and it's um Would you say it's unnecessary nudity? Uh, no. Oh, okay. Thank you. Well, I'm an artist. Yes. You know, and and I was crafting that moment and

I just thought I feel like my breast would be out, you know. I feel that my breast would be it was I mean it was just and They were so protective. They were so considerate and they're like it's going to be a closed set and they get very gentle with you and as few people on set as possible and then I was like oh thank you and then they were like cut and I went to the bathroom and I just kept my breast out just walked past all the crew who was being respectful. I was

just like hey guys how's crew meal and they were just like tumor. It was really really funny. No I I thought it was a Very funny moment because uh well we won't give it away but it's a very funny moment. You guys better get used to having your breasts out, you know. That's right. Don't get all Speaking of up with me. Yeah. So, uh, your dad met Goldie and I know he's a huge fan. And was he embarrassing? Oh, yes. Um, yeah. I mean, he like he loves Goldie like you wouldn't believe. Has pictures of

her over his bed. You know, he lives in an assisted living place. Yeah. It's a little less creepy because he's in an assisted living, you know. Um, so it's like he has his room and he loves Goldie and he's been just and they met over FaceTime and and then they met and she just was so sweet with him. Just sat with him in his wheelchair just holding his hand, looking at his eyes and I kept trying to save her, you know, but uh but and she uh she's like she was fine. Yeah, it was it

was just it was like the probably the best moment of his Life and I will never be able to thank her for how sweet she was with him. Well, it's a highlight for me. That's so sweet. Lay cool, Dad. I'm so happy. Oh my god. So sweet. All right, we have to take a break. That's me wiping his eyes. That's me. More with Amy and Goldie after this. Okay, so we did rape my baby live earlier in the show and I'm being told that we have one more baby Backstage. All right, baby. Come on out.

Heat. Heat. Hi, Amy. I have had a day. Amy, why are you dressed like a baby? Okay, that's how you're perceiving this look. That's fine. Um, I'm sorry. I wanted to try something new. I'm a fashionista. And it's actually not about how I'm dressed. This is a full lifestyle change. This is new. I haven't seen you photograph this way before. Well, everyone in Hollywood obsessed with youth. So, I'm like, I want to work in this town. So, I just took it one step further. Youth what? Yeah, youth is uh one thing, but this is really

You've gone way back. Wow. U Wow. Let's not like just focus on my Let's not focus on that. This is an important time for women about what we wear. No. You know, how have you been? I've Been really good. Yeah. Really good. Wow. You're saying it like it's not. But but really good. No, cuz you're like, do I deserve to feel this good and fresh every day? Uh-huh. And I And I do. I'm I'm worth it. You are. I am so sorry to do this. I just remembered I'm supposed It's my feeding. Like I'm supposed

to eat. Uhhuh. Right now. Okay. Like right now. Okay. So Oh, can you do it? I can't. I'm doing a thing where I don't feed myself. Is this what this is? Is that Oh, thank God. I've been mostly just doing like peas and carrots obviously and just soft foods and breast milk. A lot of breast milk. No. No. Okay. You're not packing? I can't help you with that. Thank you so much. I hate to be a bother. Okay. And eye contact would be great. Okay. Can you do Yeah. Yeah. [Music] Here comes the Train. Oh,

I love it. Did I get a little little bit there? A little something. Maybe just one more. One more. This time it's going to be an airplane, not a train. Okay. Oh my god, it was faster. It was faster. So maternal. Okay, you got the gift. Thank you so much. You let me know if you need anything else. Oh, this is so embarrassing. Huh? I need you to burp me. I'm so sorry. I don't want you to do this and I don't want you to do this on Television, but if you don't do it, I

it won't happen. How do I do that? You just kind of I just kind of go here. Okay. Thank you. And you're welcome. You're welcome. Okay. What's in there? Oh, that's just something that's my business. Okay. [Laughter] But how are you? Good. Come over here. Me, me, me, me. You? Yeah, I'm good. I'm I'm really good. Good. Good. And you're Good, too. It's a So good. So good. Yeah. What have you been up to? What's new? Uh, so much. You were on Broadway. Yes, I am a very important Broadway star. Thank you. Did you want

to borrow this? No, not right now. Um, Broadway star. Yes, that's me. Um, how was that? It was cool. It was really fun. Steve Martin wrote a play and I got to be in it on Broadway. And you liked it, will you do it again? Um, if somebody lets me do it Again, I'd love to do it. So, so it was a dream. You wanted to be on Broadway. That's something that you've Yeah. I was a little kid going to shows. Yeah. Did you see a bunch of Broadway shows? No, I never did. And I

just think it's a lot of work and to do the same performance night after night. Were people were audiences like respectful or do they take their phones out and take calls? No, they the phones would ring and and I was bet I'm used to stand up where I Will call somebody out and so by the end, you know, somebody's like eating peanut M&M's in the front row and it's so loud, you know, and I'm like, "Sir, the show is an hour. You couldn't wait. You need a peanut M&M." So, someone told me this morning that

you've been it to or in a lot of weddings. What is it? Um, I've been I'm the eternal bridesmaid. My friends all ask me even though they know I hate it. I just hate it. And I'm 36, you know? It's like cute when you're And and by the way, I live in New York, so it's like you get married when you're older now. My friend who's like engaged at 40, we're like, "Whoa, teen bride. Like, slow down." You know, it's just it's a different time. I like that someone's going to watch a clip of the

show and just be like, "Amy is dressed as a full baby." Yeah. Um I don't think you should take it off. Is this Can we get some Oh, that Switch is the same. Ever since Magic Mike 2, he's like changed. Yeah. Um, right. Yeah. Anyway, um, so yeah, so all these weddings. Oh, thank you. Yes, please. I think your breasts are Yeah, they're developing so early. Yes, you really are. Yeah, but you are so youthful. You're going to get a lot of work from this appearance. You think? Yeah, I think people are scared. I haven't

had my period in like 10 years [Applause] right here. and I want to do it on your show. Okay, good. Good. Well, we're in sweeps. We're going to take a break and we're going to come back and find out more about what's happening in in weddings and and scrapbooking and things like that. Yes, we have. Those are my subjects. We'll be back. And yeah, we're back. We're back with the older, more mature Amy Schumer. Hello. Yes. Thank you. Yes. That's what's so amazing. You can transform into any character. That's that's what makes you a thespian.

like you really are. I've always identified as a thespian. Yes. Yes. And I can see why. Just take on any character and really really embrace it. Every That's Every drink you take is something you just have to act like it's the best thing you've ever had. All right. Let me see. Wow. That's really good. Yeah. Again, The acting is just on point. On point. Do you want to try? Yeah. To to act like that? Yeah. Just like the best thing you've ever had. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to act like I

hesitant. I don't want to drink it. I'm scared that it's not going to be good. And they're like, "Really?" Yeah. All right. Try it. Oh my god. Oh my god. It's delicious. Delicious. Good. You've got it. You have got it. Yeah. You and I should do something together one day. Yeah, we should do something. Um, so, uh, I understand your mom is into scrapbooking. Oh, yeah. Big time. Big time. Of of anything in particular or just your That's a fair question. Yeah. Um, just me. Uh, it's dangerous. So, she makes these scrapbooks and she puts

everything in them. Any magazine. She'll take pictures of the TV. Do you your moms do this? Like, take pictures of the television And send them to you. Things that I try and avoid. You know, it's a scrapbook, but I'll be like looking through it and it'll be like, "Is Amy racist?" I'm like, I'm gonna want to remember they're like, "Pregnant or just fat?" I'm like, "Thanks, Mom." Actually, I usually don't mind it, honestly. Yeah. I'm I'm used to it. I like the other day somebody wrote, "Amy Schumer's body is like a sack of mashed potatoes."

Yeah. And I was like, "Okay, now I need mashed Potatoes." Yeah. You know, and I did. when I had them. You had some. I did. Yeah. I love them. They're potatoes, but they're mash. Yes. There's nothing like a mashed potato. It's all in the name. Yeah. Um, but I I do think that I do wish we all had better like I wish I had male confidence. I feel like men you can really see it with the way they look in the mirror. They have like a mirror face. I noticed this too. Any of the Guys

I've ever dated, they're like normal sweet guys and then they look in the mirror and they're kind of just like it's like a superhero of James Dean and Clint. were kind of just like I'm like, "Dude, you're in software. Like, what are you?" And it made me pay attention to my mirror face. Uhhuh. I was like, "Well, what do I do?" And I think a lot of women can probably identify with this. Mine's kind of just like, "Well, you Know, and I was dealt." All right. Well, right. Oh, that's hilarious. That's very, very true. I'm

excited about this movie. Yes. Uh, tell me about I Feel Pretty. So, I Feel Pretty is uh it's a movie. It's about um my character Renee. She she kind of has low self-esteem and she she really wants to be pretty and just feel all the parts of life that open up to you and you're just like gorgeous. And then I fall off my bike and Soul Cycle And I start seeing myself as a supermodel. So, I look exactly the same, but in my mind, I am Jazelle. I am one of the Jenner Kardashians. Gorgeous. And

just things start happening and and you really it's a really funny and sweet movie that I think will make us all feel better. It made me feel better to play the role. Our first guest is one of the funniest people on the planet. Please welcome Amy Schumer. Hi, Amy. Hi. Hi. What are you Oh, what are you doing? You know, I've gotten too pretty. I don't know. I just I found out I'm the cover of People magazine's most beautiful issue. No, you're not on the You're in it, but you're not on the Pink is on

the cover. Oh, Pink is the cover. Yeah, you're in it, though. You're beautiful. Oh. Oh, okay. I guess I I guess I could come out then. Oh, you were just in there because you thought You were too pretty. Yeah, I was just I thought I was too pretty and people were going to freak out in here. Oh, they'll still freak out. But come on out. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like I don't know. When I was born, that's what my mom saw when I was born. Like that. Yeah. Hi. Thank you. Hi, Twitch. Thank you. Hi. Hello.

Hello. So, I'm just in the magazine. You're in the magazine. Oh, Not on it. No, no, no. Okay, that's okay. Whoa. Well, that was a close call. Yeah. Yeah. Then then you would have been too pretty. It's way too pretty. I would have to go everywhere in that ball. No. Had And so how you These shoes didn't It's That's it. You don't need them. I can't. They were They were here. I thought if I was on the cover. Yeah. Stilettos. But now all year. Okay. All right. And you know what? Why don't you make this

your thing? Your barefoot Area. Oh, that's my thing now. Barefoot. Barefoot. Barefoot. Shoes. Barefoot and pregnant. Probably. What? I don't know. I hope not. So, so we were just talking about uh the birthday party which you were at. Oh, thanks for having me. Thanks for being there. But you literally were telling everybody you were getting married. Like that's right. And everyone thought you were kidding. I know. I Because celebrities are supposed to be quiet, right, when they're getting Married. And I we were going around. We got engaged that morning. So we were going around everyone

we're getting married you know all these celebrities you had everyone Pink was there and Fel and um the mother of dragons what's her name the mother Chris Jenner [Applause] I a good joke I love those girls I love that whole family love to true and true west everybody I um I I got to I hate them Now. I love them. But anyway, so we were going around. We were getting advice from everybody and and so I was looking for you. I never even got to say hi to you. I I saw you. You were on

the dance floor and you were in the zone. I was I was dancing. I couldn't I couldn't stop you. It was like a flash dance situation. Yeah. Yeah. So then I text you after. Yes. And you said, "I'm getting married. Would you like to come?" Cuz Porsha said Amy kept telling Everybody she was getting married. Everybody who would listen, the caterers, the the valets. She really thought you were kidding. I know you thought I was kidding. Yeah. But then you texted and said, "I really am getting married and but I was doing a show. I

would have gone." No, everyone has an excuse. So, wait. So, well, congratulations. So, you got married like two days later. Yes, we did. Yes, you did. I'm so married. So now, now I was kidding about Barefoot and Pregnant. Will you Do you all want kids? Well, here's the thing. I have never wanted kids. Um, and then I saw myself as a baby on your show and I thought, who am I to deprive the world of such a beautiful baby? Yeah. Look at that baby. Yeah. Yeah. So, I think we're going to do it, but just

use my genetics. I say just yours. Oh, it'll look exactly. Look at that. Yeah. What a beautiful baby Butt. That was the last time you came out here. So, wait. Well, first of all, I I'm really excited for you. I it was it had had you known each other long? Um no, we met um in a parking lot outside your party. Oh. Uh we've known each other about a year. We we'd already been living together for like five months and uh and I we knew I was like I'm done. That's great. Yeah. That's when you

I locked it down. That was at your party. Yes, that was the photo booth we had. Came out. Um so wait, so and and how is M what's changed if you were living together? What? It does feel different, doesn't it? It does. And I like just being in one place, you know? I just feel more settled. I haven't been on the road as much. And it's good for me, like for my health, cuz I'm one of those comedian, you know, when comedians like blame their behavior on the city that they're in, you know? So, they're

like, "Oh, Houston, you guys got me so drunk Last night, you guys." And they're like, "No, we had work today. Like, we didn't Sacramento. You made me have sex with a stranger." And they're like, "No, you're in a really bad place." That's That's just your fault. It's not the city. It is you, ma'am. Turns out it's you. So, you're he's a chef, right? Yes, he is. Is he at a restaurant? I don't know. Yeah, that's How smart is that to marry a chef? Oh my god. You know, I think I think a sexy Thing to

do, this is a little bit of a life hack, is to if you, you know, say your husband's a fireman to kind of dress up some cute like wrap the hose all around you, you know, or or like but he's a chef. So, what I do is um flour. I I learned how to make pies, so I'll put flour. You know, it's just cute. But yeah, see, some people do just a little flour. But no, what I do, I roll around in raw eggs and then flour and just I'm a sexy Chicken cutlet. He loves

it. He loves it. Now, is he a chef at a restaurant or a private chef? Oh, he's the real deal. Really delicious. Wonderful. I'm happy. And also, he's cool. Yeah. I mean, I guess I'll get to know him in the coming month. Yeah. But first and foremost, he's a chef and that's all you need. All right, we're going to take a break more with Amy after this. We're with Amy Schuber. That is the new movie I Feel Pretty, which you came here and debuted. Uh, and it looked funny just from the trailer. I saw it

the other night. It is hilarious. Thank you. And has a great message. I mean, especially like that end scene where you start talking. It's just like I feel like not just women but men, everyone should see this movie. And but that message at the end, every young girl should see that just for the end scene. Just skip to the end scene. That's what you should. Really? What about watching the whole movie? All right. Watch the whole thing. That's fine. Have some popcorn till the movie ends. Watch the whole thing. Thank you. Thanks for saying that.

And I texted you right away saying, "I thought it was so good. Poor meant a lot to me. Thank you so much. Explain the concept." Okay. Um so I'm going to explain the concept to you guys. Uh it's about a girl who has really low self-esteem, which none of us Can relate to. Uh no, she has really low self-esteem and she she feels invisible and then she falls off her bike and soul cycle and all of a sudden sees herself just as a gorgeous supermodel uh and everything changes for her. And it's, you know, it's

really about learning to love yourself, which is what makes somebody the most attractive. And it's true. It's like everybody has some like there are people that have all kinds of dismorphas like you know body dysmorphia And they think that they're too fat when they're too skinny and there's all kinds of so if you just actually believe that you're beautiful why not what's wrong with just believing and knowing that because it's the confidence like you said. Yeah. Just it's all mental and your confidence should come from who you are and what you do and you need

to do the work to love yourself. Yeah. And then you feel great and then you wind up getting a chef husband. Yes. You get a Chef husband. So, not that that's the end game. It's not about I never wanted a husband. What? Get the government involved in love. I thought it was weird. But, you know, suddenly suddenly all of a sudden Yeah. No, it's going to be really weird if you do start having children cuz I can't picture that. But I think you'd be an amazing mom. I will breastfeed on your show. Okay. If I'm

still doing a show and you have a Child, I'm going to make you do that. I like You're like in 20 years, like I only have a couple years left of a ticker for that. So, um, you better start cooking. But no, I think you'd be amazing mom, but it's just like, you know, I see you more like I can see the marriage thing, but like if you have a baby, you're you're a whole different person now. Whoa. I really feel like you're doubting I'm going to be a good mom. No, I didn't say that.

I said You're going to be a great mom, but I just didn't I didn't see it happening. But now I do see it happening. Well, do you want to see what it would feel like if I was your mom and you sat on my lap and like Okay. No, no, no. Okay. Pitching ideas, you know. All right. Workshopping some cool ideas. Okay. Just spitballing. All right. We're going to take a break and uh we're going to come back and play Burning Questions with Amy. We'll be back. We're back with Amy Schumer. It's time to play

Ellen's Burning Questions. I'm going to read a question and we will uh you'll answer uh the first thing that pops into your mind. Okay. After you answer the question, then you will hit the button and move on. The button really doesn't do anything at all. It's pointless, but it's exciting to to do that. All right, finish this sentence. I feel pretty when I'm nude. Some some no one knows about you. I am a leprechaun. Something you hate that everyone else loves. Rod Stewart you hate Rod Stewart. How come? How long has this been going on?

My life. Have you What about Maggie May and Mandolin Wind? Can we get back to the question? Okay. Craziest place you've had sex. My What is the last thing Jennifer Lawrence texted you? Oh, she said she said, "Do You want to get dinner tonight? Where are you right now?" Never mind. I can't get dinner. I have other plans. Before I even said her, who's your favorite Kardashian and why? Oh, they changed. But right now, um, Kim right now, I think it's really cool that she's started to help out with trying to end gun violence. Is

that right? Yeah. Good for her. Uh, my spouse gives the best. Oh, I just have to tell everyone her mom Is in the audience listening to all of these. Your mom is just Did you forget? I did forget. Can I take this stuff about the and everything back? No. No. No. I think she's heard worse. I think. Trust me. Sorry, Mom. Yeah. The last lie you told. Who my favorite Kardashian was. Who was your childhood celebrity crush? Joey from the New Kids. And it still stands today. Someone you like to do a love scene With.

Joey from the new kid today. What body part of your spouses is your favorite? It's a tie between his No, it's a [Applause] What body part of yours is your favorite? My Oh my god. Our first guest is simply one of the funniest people on the planet. Please welcome my friend Amy Schumer. Hi. It is so great to be here with you, Ellen. This is the first time I have Been in studio on a show since the pandemic broke out. Yeah, I think we're we're six feet apart. You can take that off now because we're

six feet apart. Are you sure? Because you're a national treasure and I I want to keep you safe. This is for you. This is for you. So sweet of you. You look great. I love what you're wearing. Thank you. My legs. Are they too pale? I was so nervous. I was going to use self-tanner, but then I last Second decided just go out there and dress up, Amy, and go down to the studio and look your best. And here I am. I know. I feel like I could just reach out and touch you. And you

can and you will. And I'm I brought notes that I'm going to take to Okay. Oh, you dropped your pen. I got it. I got it. Here. And I thank you for that. [Applause] Never mind. But I'm gonna And you know what? I would like to Hold on. I'm just Going to cross my legs the other way. Tell the camera to get ready. I don't want them to see anything. Okay, here I go. And thank you. There they are. Okay. I have been walking during the pandemic and that is why my legs are looking so

right. Ellen. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah. Quick drink he left out here for me. Oh, thanks. Can just sit it back on the table. [Applause] Hey, I haven't seen you since you've had a child. How is that child doing and how old is he now? Um, that child is, I want to say, at least six months old. How old is he? He's almost 17 months old. Oh, wow. And don't I look great for us? Look at this. Oh, there he is in his every mother count shirt. He's cute, right? He's very cute. And boy, you went

through it. We'll talk about the Documentary later, but uh that's uh you'll you'll tell him about that later in life, right? I think so. You know what? I can see up my skirt if you want to maybe put a blanket a little bit. I'm going to put a blanket over you. Thank you. I was I didn't want to say anything. I'm not on Twitch's birthday. I'm not going to ruin his birthday, but I do appreciate that. I just get so cold when I'm in studio. Well, now you're all bundled up in here. Tell me tell

me uh about tell me about your child and why you changed his middle name. His name is Jean. [Music] Um really no reason. I mean look, you know how sometimes parents by accident name their children genital? No. The old mom's tale of weddings. So my favorite comedian David Tell I wanted to pay tribute to him and Chris's Mother's name was Jean. So Jean Atel Chris's last name Fisher. So we realized about a month in it sounded like I don't know genital fissure a month in. I mean like you're so vulnerable during that time anyway. And

then it was just like we messed up so bad right out the gate. It was just like, "Okay, well, the pressure is off now because we have royally his wife." All right. But it's Not. So, what's his middle name now? Oh, this is so embarrassing. It's mess up again. Oh god. I'm just I'm so nervous about it. I feel like I should call a consultant or something because naming is not my thing. Not my thing. [Laughter] Boing, right? All mothers, all mothers go through this, right? You guys homeschooling, naming Your kids. You get it. Okay.

All right. Let's show a cute video that you posted. I want to show this and we'll talk about it. Mom. He said mom. He said mom. That's his first word. Or maybe he said bomb. Either way, I was excited. Yeah, that that was Well, actually, that's not his first word. Um I I am his second word. His first word is car. Um, which definitely hurt both of our feelings, but he loves cars. I don't know. Chris and I don't care about cars. Uh, but he is obsessed with any he like anywhere we go. If we

go to the beach, he just wants to be in the parking lot. He just wants to look at cars, which is really convenient because, you know, everywhere you go, there are cars. So, kind of lucked out. If he was like really into fighter jets, you know, it wouldn't be Sweet little genital. Um, we're gonna we're gonna get it all. Yeah, we're gonna take a break. I want to talk about He has a little toy kitchen and which makes sense because you married a chef and that you have a cooking show, but we're taking a break

and then we'll come back and uh see what we what what part of this we can air. Um, we'll be back. Well, God, you're so laidback and relaxed. Feel so at home. It is so good to be back here. Oh, thank you for having me. It's, you know, I haven't been on stage much and this is just it's it's like riding a bike, you know, I'm skirt when I'm doing it. Yeah. Um, you left the price tag on your shoes, but I'll get those off later. You can see them on the bottom. Those I don't

want people to know. I'm very rich. That's why I'm so laidback and easygoing in interviews. Yeah, I know. Oh, well, I love that you're so comfortable that you Can be like that. Hey, listen. Let's talk about uh Jean and the toy kitchen he has. Oh, okay. Well, see, it it looks like a toy kitchen. That is a real kitchen. Oh, okay. He cooks three meals a day for us, and that is the least he can do. Yeah, you see him in there. That's a shot of him. He was making us um chicken cordon blue. Oh,

wow. He's very good. He's so talented. He's so He cannot read and he only says two words, car and mom. But he is a five-star Michelin chef. Wow. Wow. That's very impressive. Very very Yeah. He gets it from me. He gets it from me. Well, sure. Sure. So, you're So, you're you're Yeah. So, you're learning to cook because now did you cook at all before you got married? I I've never cooked. I know how to make like three meals. And now I never have to learn how to cook because, you know, Chris cooks and uh

and I, as it turns out, I'm a terrible, awful chef Who cannot listen. Yeah. But you're doing you're you're you have your show Amy Learns to cook and so I would assume it's mostly alcohol that I've noticed. It is my part is alcoholbased and Amy Schumer learns to cook is a lie because I did not learn to cook and I am still what some would say some would call me worthless in and out of the kitchen. But no, I I did not learn how to cook. I seriously I people are like, "Wow, Chris is so

patient." All the all the comments Are like, "Chris is really patient with her." Yeah, he is very patient with you and he adores you and you can see that in the relationship. It's the sweetest relationship. Now, has he learned anything from you besides you learning from him? No. No. I mean, truly, not a thing has he learn I think he's probably forgotten some things that he knew. It is not. No, I am not easy to teach. I just want to shout out all my teachers Because I struggle with with learning disabilities and I just can't

I just can't. And I'm like, "Wow, I'm really learning it in the moment and then after it's just gone and then I'm back there like, how do I cut a tomato?" It's just it's gone. Let's show a clip from the cooking show and uh then we'll go to break. Okay. First, get yourself a whole pineapple. I have it pre-sliced out of laziness. We're going to make a batch. So, I'm going to put a whole cup of diced pineapples. I can remember my first pin colada. I went on a cruise with my grandparents. We went on

one of those like, you know, you're not in the shot. Don't talk to me. It's hard to work like this. I'm a professional and Chris doesn't know that he wasn't supposed to be speaking to me on the floor. But can I just say something about the pandemic with Chris? Yes. This is our relationship. It was Like it looked like it was going to rain and we're sitting we're sitting inside our house and I was like I just want to tell you babe this even though it's a pandemic. It's like this crazy time. This has been

the best time of my whole life. And he just looked at me and he said, "I'm going to go put the car windows up. [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] I did. And that's that's why it works. Yeah, that it's clear to see. Um, we'll be back more with Amy after this. Hey, do you do yoga? You're so flexible. I'm honestly I just do TM and I'm so sorry I didn't fit it in earlier, so I'm just kind of finishing up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Got it. Okay. Okay. That's great. No, it's very impressive. Um, okay. That was We

We just showed a a clip from uh Expecting Amy, which is a docu series about your pregnancy. What made you I mean, how did you decide I'm going to document this whole thing? Because who knew it was going to be that excruciating of a pregnancy to to go through? Yeah. Um I don't know. And I'm so glad I'm in this pose to tell you this story because um and isn't it interesting how my waist is kind of bigger than how my waist goes in my Skirt. I thought it was just your blousy blouse just kind

of blousing out of the skirt. It's just my body type. I'm like real topheavy and then I'm just People don't know this until you see me in person. I just become I've just become a little bean pole down there. Um, yeah. I don't know. We just started like filming it on our cell phones. Like I think it was actually in retrospect a defense mechanism because I was so sick And I felt like like you know having a witness like I wasn't you know going through it alone or something. But we just filmed it on our

phones for the most part and we're just like if nothing happens with this it's fine or maybe we'll just have a really fun home video. But we filmed the whole darn thing. It was amazing the footage that you got and the fact that you were I mean I knew that you were having a difficult pregnancy. I had no idea how bad it was And that you shot your special and were getting ready for your special while you were so sick. I mean, it's it's really if you haven't seen Expecting Amy, it's it's really great and

uh it shows you that you you you go through something like that, which would be terrifying, but then you have a baby that is who he is right now and precious and healthy and you're healthy and happy. You're right. I know. That's the thing. The whole time everybody's like, "It's so Worth it." And and I'm throwing up and I'm in the hospital and I'm just like, "Shut up." Like, "Everyone stop telling me that, you know? Um because people cannot stop giving you advice while you're pregnant. I don't know if you know that, but like everyone

was telling me I had to do prenatal yoga, you know, that that it helped with child birth. So, I obviously signed up immediately for a C-section and that has made all the Difference. Gog. We have to take one more break. I'm so sorry. Um, and maybe you'll be in a different pose when we come back. I'm here. All right. You're so mellow. We'll take a break back with Amy. I mean, Amy, I'm so impressed how flexible you are. Oh, thank you. Oh, I get really cramped in these interviews. So, hi, Jean. He's very confused. Thanks

for giving my mom her start. You've always you've supported her more than anyone else in her career. Mom. Say mom. Say mom. Say Ellen. Say Ellen's your mom. Ellen's your real mom. Let's talk about you going back to stand up two weeks after Jean was born. You missed it that much that you finally have this baby after everything you go through. You think you just want to rest and be home, but you went back to standup. First of all, I just want to say it smells amazing in here. And I Don't know who I don't

know if anyone else is noticing that. What? That's fine. What's wrong with saying that? It smells great in here. It's not I'm kind of not in between my own. All right. So, you went you went back to standup. Went back to stand up. Yes, I did stand up um like Yeah. Exactly two weeks after he was born. And um that was too soon. And I did regret I was just so Vulnerable and I don't think it was a particularly good set and the audience was like really supportive and I just was like trying not to

cry the whole time. Um and I was like leaking from all you know holds old and new and uh but I really miss I mean you must be missing standup too. It's been I just did stand up for the first time last week and it had been like almost eight months. I can't wait to see it. I can't wait to see that. Um I I know that you're out There protesting you're like protesting every day, aren't you? Every day. Yeah. At 10:30 a.m. I uh there was a woman named Dana Nunez. She was on Martha's

Vineyard. She was standing in this medium right after George Floyd was murdered with a Black Lives Matter sign. And we decided to come back the next day at 10:30 to kneel for George Floyd. And we we've met every morning since, you know, the beginning of June. And now, you know, between 50 and 100 people come And we every day we honor the life of a different person of color who um whose life was stolen by law enforcement and and we kneel and we say their name and we talk action items and we're all, you know,

doing our best to be the best allies we possibly can and as Ayanna Presley calls it, accompllices. Um fantastic doing away with the cast system that we live in. Yes. If you haven't read the book Cast, it's a it's a must readad. Um Yeah, for sure. Read Cast. It's Yes. Yeah. Um the book of our lifetimes. Uh you are uh lovely and fantastic and hilarious and I am so glad that you were able to be here in person and uh I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Expecting Amy is available on HBO Max. Uh

we'll be right back. Amy Schumer. Everybody, I am so excited to have our first guest here today. Please welcome my friend and the hilarious Amy Schumer. Hi, Amy. Hi, Queen. How are you? You're nailing it. Oh, I first of all, I love you and I miss you and I can't wait to hug you in real life very soon. I know. Love you and miss you and I miss you, Twitch. You guys, I was getting tired watching you guys. Like I That was such great dancing. I'm I'm out of breath. I I feel menopausal. I'm out

of breath, too. I think that my stomach just did like a flip-flop turn inside and I'm just I'm just happy to be sitting down At this point. Um absolutely. Take a breather. I just love how like you and I go way way back and um we both have little boys now. Jean's just eight months older than my son Isaac. I know. I really feel like um because I had just gone through it, I was like, "Okay, let me tell you the things that I learned, you know, and I'm sure you've done that for for people

since that." Because you don't get it because at first, you know, when people find out you're pregnant, Like everyone has this look on their face. It's like this dumb look and you're like, "Why is everyone being so weird?" But then you get it. No, you were so nice. First of all, everybody watching, Amy texted me and she was like, "Hey, come over and I'll show you what my nursery looks like." Amy, that was the best advice you could have ever given me because now my nursery literally looks exactly like yours that and not in a

creepy way. Well, the thing Is I needed like, you know, it's so overwhelming. You're like, can I just look at where a baby lives? You know, like can I don't know where a baby's supposed to go. So, it's like, hey, look, it's it's diapers and it's something to suck the snot out of their nose, but it's like you're like, okay, I can imagine, you know, it's good to just see like the setup. It just feels like it's thing I said to you was the nice thing I said to you was um and now you Don't

have to call me, you know, like I was like I'm not going to be like because after you have a baby, I feel like everybody gets really needy and you're trying to heal and people want to come over and then you're like throwing a party, you know? You're like, "Can I get you a drink?" And they're like, "Yeah, like I'd love a martini." And you're like, "Okay, cuz someone just sliced open my baa and ripped a baby out." So, why Don't you go get a teacher? And you know, that was that that and the nursery

were two of the best pieces of advice you could have ever given me. And you also said, oh, you think you're big now, you're about to get even bigger. Just when you think it's not possible. Exactly. And you're like, I have just crossed over into being an actual seal. Then your body doubles itself. So, wait, what's Jean doing right now? You mean like right now? Right now? Well, like what's Jean and He's getting ready for bed right now. All the stuff that he's into right now. Well, he has like he has like the like comedian

confidence, you know, like really he talks in full sense. He doesn't say anything, doesn't say a word, but he talks blah blah blah and and he's motioning to things, but he's not saying any words, but he has so much confidence, you know, comic. I can't wait to have a play date. We Have to do a play date soon. Um, you know, it gets more, everybody says this, but it gets so it gets more and more fun every every day. It's more fun like, you know, we can communicate now. Um, and he kind of just says

yes to everything. Um, you know, like so I can ask him any which is fun to play with, you know. Yeah. Are you playing any fun games? You have any fun games you're playing? We've been actually drinking together a lot lately. So, what have what have you been drinking? What is Jean drinking? Oh. Um, you know, who even knows what he has in that sippy cup at this point. Uh, but no, he um, you know, it's just like I I like to pretend like we're playing a drinking game. I Somebody at told me that you

dug that video. Yeah. You've been on a plane, so you drink. Um, I never got a speeding ticket. You had a speeding ticket. Yeah. Oh, well, I didn't know that. That's when I found out he had a speeding ticket. Got to ask your kids these questions or you don't really get to know them. Yeah, you don't really. So, you didn't learn much. Oh my god. Questions. Yeah. What's Isaac doing? What's he getting into? He's just saying mama, dad, dad, dog, and go. It's dog and go. Everything is dog and go. That's it. And you see

that's what happened. It started With Jean and then we're like, "Oh god, he's about to start saying a million words." And then here we are a full year later and it's still just he like yells at me like a, you know, stereotype of like an Italian house husband. You know, that's I love you. Okay. Oh, wait. Hold on. Docu series. Your docu series expecting Amy. It was so amazing. And you you literally like I mean we knew you were Going to share everything and you did share everything that you went through with Jean. Wow. Oh,

thank you so much. Yeah, we left it all out on the floor. We left the placenta on the floor. Yeah. If anybody like be if you're going to watch this, it's on HBO Max expecting Amy. Be prepared to see me nursing to see uh I mean I'm not nursing. Let me let me just kind of fix that. Um, I'm pumping. I'm, you know, vomiting. It's It's a whole Lot. It might be. Hopefully, you're expecting a lot of Amy. Are we going to be expecting Amy number two? Oh, god. I hope so. We're trying to figure

it out. I mean, you know, it's like there's nothing better. I know. Um, yeah. What about you? Yeah, working on it currently. Like in this moment, working on it. Good. Justin's actually in New York and I'm in LA. We figured it out. It's, you know, science. Twitch. I think you can do anything you set your mind to. You can do anything you set your mind to. That is a good motto. None of like none of this can air on television. I don't know why we're all right. More with Amy coming right up. And we are

back with Amy Schumer. Okay. So, you have a Emmy a winning show. Emmy winning. Emmy winning. You Amy Schumer has an Emmywinning show called Inside Amy Schumer and it's Coming back after five freaking years. Girl, how have you So tell us tell me how have you changed in the past five years? Okay. Well, as you know, um my um breasts have honestly given up uh hope. No. Uh you know, it's like having a baby changes that body, honey. Yeah. This is all about this is this is all black. Ladies have have fallen. Um and then

other than that kind of the same. Oh, and then I also like you know have been Educating myself so that I'm not just like part of the white supremacy that we were all born into. I'm really excited for this next series to come out. So that's exciting. Um you also have a really big birthday coming up. Oh, somebody's turning the big four. Uhoh. Oh. Uh. Oh. What are you going to do? Are you going to do anything? I'm going to do Edward 40 hands. You ever hear of that where you tape you duct tape 40

hands? I would die. Um, you're Still a little baby. I'm not far off. I'm on my way. But my my boobs my I think your boobs are probably higher than mine. And I think that matters more. You're a teen mom and I can't even find my boobs. They've left. They've left the building. I'll see them. I'll see them later. Okay. So, uh, we also have to talk about something that I was on the floor laughing about, and it's the Tik Tok that you posted just this last November. This is a carrot. Okay, this is, and

you can understand why I needed to come on and I couldn't wait because because this is a carrot. It's a That's a carrot. I just walked out of Jean's room. I put him to bed and Chris very, you know, he's so dead pan. He notched on this. He You should look at that carrot over there. And I'm like, "What?" I started filming right away Because I couldn't process it. And I feel like it came at a time when everybody really needed it. Yes. You know, I'm a holiday. I felt so much responsibility for this carrot.

People were like, "Well, what are you going to do? It's going to wither away." And I'm getting tips from people. They're like, "Preserve it. Put it in cold water." And I was, "You have to do something with this carrot. This this carrot is not not ours." Like, we Were just a vessel that the universe sent this carrot through. And we and we decided to do a do big things with this carrot. Well, we are going to meet Amy's friend Tyler and talk more about the carrot when we come back. Okay, so we are back with

Amy Schumer and her friend, artist Tyler Hayes. Hi, Tyler. Hi. Hi. Hi, Ashley. So, okay. So, Tyler, I've got to know, what did you do with Amy's carrot? Well, like all wonderful things, um, humans have been doing this for 6,000 years. And we we used the lost wax process and we made an addition of 12 bronze carrots. There it is. Wow. How many gonna think this is a joke? We did. This is not a joke. This obviously it's not a joke. How many people That's Tyler in the video. That's Tyler right there. What What are

you guys doing, Tyler? We are pouring 200 degree molten bronze into Ceramic uh molds that we made. Um, and that's how you that that's that's the rough bronze. Those are the waxes. Um, and then there's a lot of hand work he goes back into making him uh look as beautiful as they look now. And I'm going to reveal the carrot, but I just a little a little background on Tyler. So Tyler is the owner of this incredible furniture company called BDDW and it is the most beautiful stuff you've ever seen. Actually, this is a BDDW

tapestry right here. Oh, it's um and our whole place is But it's not cheap. I'm not going to lie. But he was the best person. I called him and we just we're friends. We share values. So I called him. Are you ready? Should I reveal it, Tyler? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. In the background. We are auctioning these carrots off for feeding America that helps people who are challenged With food with foodbased initiatives. Boom. There it is. Have you ever seen something more perfect and gorgeous than this? There it is in your This is it. This

can be yours. This can be yours. What? Where's the site that people We're gonna we're gonna auction them off to the highest bidder, but we don't only want rich people to get these. So, we're having a raffle. So, we're gonna auction off six and we're going to pick a pick six to raffle Off cuz no, everybody deserves this carrot in their home on their mantle. It's very heavy. It's I love it. I think it's a beautiful piece of artwork. Yes, Tyler. What' you say? Oh, everyone can play because you they're raffling off and tickets are

only $1, so everyone has a chance. But this was this was the exact cast of the original carrot and so Feeding America is our proud partner and we're Going to do everything we can to have this carrot reach as many homes and as many lives as possible. That's amazing. Amy Tyler, thank you so much for being here. All right. So, you guys can go to Ellen Tube to find out more about the auction and the raffle and to help the website. Yes, go to the website and you can help Amy and Tyler raise money for

Feeding America. And we will be right back. I am so happy our first guest is here. We have had a lot of fun with her Over the years. Please welcome the very, very, very funny Amy Schumer. Heat. Heat. here. I thought I [Music] Hi. Hi. How did this happen? Am I not taking over the show? Oh, did someone tell you? I was so confused cuz they invited me and I I know you're kind of wrapping things up and uh and I think I just thought I was Going to become you and take over the show.

Is that not the plan? I would love it. Uh I didn't know anything about it, but I think you should. Let's Let's have her take over the show. Is that Is that okay or This is So, what do I do? So, I What do I do? I don't know. You almost really do look like me, though. It's kind of It's kind of scary looking. Is it? Yeah. Wait, let's let's switch seats. Let's see. Really? Okay. If people tune in. Okay. Yeah. People Okay. They turned on. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This is good. Uh-huh.

Thank you. Thank you. We have a great crowd. We have a great crowd on my show. Okay. Okay. No, but you're right. Okay. Let's Let's go. Okay. Okay. I just, you know, it's just a bit. It's just a bit. Okay. Okay. The bits Oh, the bit's done. It's done. The bit is done. The bit's done. Hi. First of all, we're taping this uh ahead of time, but you're about to host the Oscars in a few days, and you're taking time to be here. So, when this airs, you'll have already hosted. Um, so I'll be freshly

cancelled. Are you planning on doing things that could possibly cancel you? I mean, like, are you going to be edgy? Well, that's the problem. It's not that I make a plan. It's just I have no impulse control. And so, it's like I think it And then it's too late and then I'm, you know, I'm over. I'm over. So, but I I did ask you I reached out and I asked you if I could be on the show because this show has meant so much to me. and you are the first person who put me on

television and who gave me a chance to perform standup on on TV. And so I thank you and this show and you have meant so much to me. So I really wanted to just come and say thank you and just come on one last time. So thank you. Thank you For asking me to come on. That meant a lot to me. Look at you. Oh my Oh my god. Look at us. And now look at us. Look at us. And now look at us. Now look at us. Yeah. I've I've inspired you somehow. Morphed into

one person. Yeah, we really are the same person. No, I remember seeing you and I thought you were hilarious and uh you continue to uh your your career obviously has has grown and grown and we're going to talk about your new show. If you haven't seen Life in Beth, it is hilarious and beautiful and real and raw, everything. I was texting you last night just telling you. Um, but anyway, we'll talk about that in a minute. Your son, who is now, he's three, I want to say three. He's um definitely nearing three. He um gosh,

you buttoned it to the top, huh? To the top. Well, it depends on the shirt. The shirt, right? That's okay. So, um he is about to be three. And yes, we have a son so far. Um and I say that just Because look, gay, straight, trans, as long as he doesn't identify as a DJ, we really don't No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is just a joke. Okay. It's just a joke. All right. I said it for you, Twitch. Okay. I respect that. You know,

you mean the world to me. Yeah. I want to be buried next to you. He's I know he's an amazing dancer, your son. So, he's You sent me a video of him Exploring himself in the mirror, which Wait, that doesn't sound good. I know. That's not good. You're right. Doesn't sound good. You're right. He was just looking at himself in the mirror. That's right. That's right. He He had on a baseball hat that had a train on it. Mhm. And I just kind of found him looking at himself in the mirror and he just gave

himself a thumbs up. It's adorable. It was so good. I was just Oh, if we can just harness that confidence And that self-love, you know. I know. It's precious. And how is your husband doing? He's great. Chris, right? Yes. He so no I mean I really did find the best partner ever and I know Chelsea Handler's friend of yours also she's one of my many friends who will say to me like make sure I know how amazing Chris is. I'm like I got it you know they're like this is it AIM. I'm like I know

I hear you. I know I'm I need him. Um but He he's actually diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. And what happens when you get diagnosed with autism is it's like it's like getting a superpower. Like all of his behavior is kind of excused now, you know? So like if somebody's telling a long boring story, he will straight up just walk away. He'll just wander away and then I'm just still stuck there like it's incredible. But he's and and people don't know much about autism, you Know. Um, they just are like, "Oh, does he love to

count?" You know, "Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor and he could count them?" And I'm like, "Actually, do it. Who cares? I'll probably love it. Do it. Go for it." You know, but uh, no, he's like the greatest partner. But he was just diagnosed just recently. A couple years ago. Yeah. After we were married. But he knew Obviously that he was because the spectrum is the spectrum, right? Every everybody is on the spectrum. It just depends on what that where you are on it. But that's amazing that he was just recently

diagnosed. Yeah. Yeah. We just did like an online test and said, you know, if you're interested in learning more about your brain, cool. If not, cool. But he's like, "Yeah, I'd like to find out." And and it's really given us so many helpful tools. Um and and him, You know, for I think it's a good thing for people to to check it out and get tested just because you so you don't spend your whole life feeling like you're bad or wrong. Exactly. I think there's just and and I think certain behaviors uh are beautiful. I

think they're just honest. My favorite people are on the spectrum. Yes. And I feel like it's a it's there are aspects of uh the personality that are just sometimes really really different and and they Upset. No, but they upset people and it's like no, they just have different brain chemistry and they're incredible incredible people and they love to count. Well, but the only thing is that it is we're we're married four years now and it is hard to have sex, you know, with when you're married. It's it's hard to have sex when you're married, okay?

Because like like that's your family. You know what I mean? Like like that's my emergency contact, you know? I'm not going to just have sex with him, you know? That's disgusting. Yeah. Um, and you can't really talk dirty anymore if you're if you're married because he he knows me too well. You know, I can't be like, I'm gonna He's like, no, you're not. Your back hurts. You're not. But we've been doing a lot of role playing. Wait, Hold on. We have to take a break cuz I want to hear I want to hear all about

that. Okay, but because this is You'll like this. This is the thing. Okay. I want to hear about that one. This might be good to take us into the break actually because the role playing I always pick the same role. I always just go, "Okay, I'm in a [Laughter] coma. Oh my god." We'll be back with Amy Schumer. That's Amy Schumer's new Show. Her new show is on Hulu. It's called Life and Beth. And it is uh created by, written by, directed by, and starring Amy Schumer. It is great. And that was Yamana Saunders in

that clip. She's casting the cast is hilarious. A lot of comics. Is it the doctor? David Burn plays my doctor. I didn't even It tech took me the second time to see him. I was like, "Oh my god, that's David Burn." You're like, why this? This must be the place. I don't Know. I mean, the whole cast is it's explain it's loosely loosely based on so loosely based on my life. So loose. Yeah. Um, it's about a woman who on paper everything looks like it should be great. She's having a great life and uh, but

she's miserable. And I think a lot of us can probably relate to finding yourself in these moments where you have to ask, am I actually happy with these people? And could I be happier? Am I am I living up to my potential? So, and the Girl who plays you, uh, Violet, Violet Young, she's fantastic. She's a star. Yeah. No, it's it's really really well done. It's it's it's fantastic. and Michael Sarah is in it and he's just yeah he's he's fantastic plays your well not yet husband but someone you meet and he is very much

based on Chris I think that's my husband I think is pretty clear bless you I guess somebody's allergic to talent so are are you well now we have to take Another break we'll talk I know sorry yeah it's I don't know it's going to happen when I retire I have to stop after five minutes I'll I'll just go I I'll be back. You're becoming Dory. Yes, I really am. I really am. Um, we'll be back. More with Amy. We're back with the hilarious Amy Schumer. And, uh, are you getting nervous uh to host the Oscars?

Truly, are you nervous or are you just going to just relax about it? I am not nervous. Good. But, can I have some advice? I mean, really, like, well, I think I think have fun and you know everybody. That's the thing. You've been in the business long enough that you're going to look out there and everybody knows you and you know them. That helps tremendously. And um should I Who did you Did you look at anybody specific like to make your like or no? No. I mean, you know, I I guess I can't remember. If

you catch somebody's eye, Don't just look at them and you know, just grill Javier Bard down. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You know what? That is a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. I think you should do that. Um you're going to go on tour. You're doing standup again. Yes, I'm going on the tour. The tour? Yes. All right. Why why is it called the tour? It's my tour. Okay. Um I just thought that was a funny name, you know. Um and Chelsea Handler did the Horny and vaccinated. Right. Right. Just cut out the middleman. Just you know. It's

good. It gets to the point. And have you been writing? Have you been working on it for a while? I have. I I started doing standup a little bit this summer. You know, it's like not that easy. Um, and then now the audience is usually like laughing into their masks. I hope that's why I can't hear them. Uh, but I I'm excited to get back out there. I That's why I want to host the Oscars, just cuz I I feel like performing. I feel like making people laugh. It's the best and it's the the biggest

and scariest stage. So, that's why I always did it because it's really challenging yourself to to do something like that. So, I think you're going to be great. And as this airs, it already happened. And it was fantastic. Oh, thanks. Fantastic. It was a breeze. Yeah, you were great. I was so drunk. Um, so I love you and uh we for sure We're going to have you back, but I love that you reached out first and said, "Can I come on the show and say goodbye to you?" And a busy busy week that you're having

getting ready for the Oscars and you wanted to come on and say goodbye. I I love you. I think you're hilarious and brilliant and uh and I love you and you you changed my life and you really gave me a stage and so thank you for changing my life and thank you for making me laugh so much and being Such an inspiration to me for as long as I can remember and your crew and everybody. Thank you. Thank you is available on Hulu. Go to our website to find out how you can see Amy on

tour. We'll be back.