[Music] hey everyone my name is Olivia and welcome back to my channel autistic Li me I was recently diagnosed with autism and I want to make some videos to help bring awareness to females on the spectrum today I just kind of wanted to do an informal video on what my depression looks like because it's hitting me hard recently and I just kind of wanted to do like a raw video because I think it'll help me feel a little better to get out what I'm feeling so this probably will be a little bit of an intense
video so if you aren't comfortable with that or it could upset you then maybe don't watch depression is a trait many females have that are on the spectrum and males and a lot of females are I always say misdiagnosed because we do have depression it's just that's not all we have we have so much more things also affecting us I was officially diagnosed with depression at 13 so 11 years ago and I take medication and I have taken medication for it since I think 15 years old my depression is is intense and the voice in
my head is very very mean it thinks of the worst things and it tells them to me constantly I'm not good enough not worthy of failure I'm stupid we're doing a lot of cool things in my life and I'm very blessed growing up in Southern California got in to travel the world never wondered where my next meal was coming from got to go to Disneyland like several times a year I've had nice cars to drive but I still get to feeling like this and it makes me feel real guilty because I know that there's people
out there that are really struggling and I really don't have any reason to be sad and I understand that it's my disease and they have in chemical balances in my brain and I can't help but feel like this but I still feel bad I just feel like really big burden on the people I don't care about me every night in my prayer before I go to bed I ask God to forgive me for being a terrible person because I think I'm a terrible person every day and I asked him to please forgive me for being
a terrible girlfriend terrible daughter terrible granddaughter terrible friend terrible sister terrible dog mom I feel so bad for my dog blue he deserves a better mom I'm my boyfriend Alex there's a better girlfriend and so on and so forth right now I'm really struggling with money and I can't seem to get myself to try harder to get fur buddy I can't imagine having a regular job I just don't think that I could have a regular job I've tried having a regular job and that always kind of ended in a disaster and so I started my
own business and I just I can't do it right now and some people you know say to not just me but other people with depression like just push through it like just move on like get past it but that's not possible a lot of the times no matter how hard we try on the outside look like I happen all together and I'm very good at pretending like I do but I do not I may have been able to get a job at the NFL Network at 18 years old but I can barely take care of
myself on a daily basis so people see all of my accomplishments and all the neat things that I've been able to do oh this girl started on business at 19 got a book deal at 21 worked at Sports Illustrated at 14 got a job at the I'm phone network at 18 but I can't go to the grocery store without having a meltdown sometimes I can't get out of bed I can't shower never home from eating I'm always hungry I'm always eating when I get depressed I want to eat more I want to eat bad foods
yeah they make me feel better temporarily until they make me have a stomachache when I get into a you know a spell of depression I I definitely kind of secluded myself I don't want to answer phone calls from my parents or texts or anything I just I'm fine feeling like this and I don't want to get better than that it's gonna sound stupid or weird or you're not gonna understand but at least with me when I'm depressed I'm content on just feeling miserable and thinking of all the terrible things that I've ever done in my
life and think about how I'm such a terrible failure of a person does that's what depression is it eats you and it wants you to keep feeling miserable it wants you to just go you know what I give up yeah I'm just gonna stay like this but you have to have the strength to be able to pull yourself out and sometimes I just have a very very difficult time doing that and my spells of depression have gotten more scarce through the years but they still all happen my good friend Todd always told me this too
shall pass and my head and II know that this feeling will pass but when I'm in that moment in that feeling you can't comprehend how he could possibly pass how you could possibly start to feel better in a book that I read called Asperger's she had a quote in it I can't remember the exact code of the book on me right now but it basically said telling an autistic person to just get on with it it's like telling a person in the wheelchair to just go up the flight of stairs to get to the second
floor and that really spoke to me because for the first time it kind of felt like oh I do struggle too and my struggles are validated and real and they're not fake and just because they're invisible doesn't mean that a very very much struggle you know social media and stuff often you only see the good parts of life you only see the smiles the laughs the good memories but there are also many if not lots more memories like this that I have I never seriously thought about taking my own life I lost a cousin to
suicide but there are times where I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up at least for a while a lot of times I feel in so much pain that I just go and take a nap because I can't stand to be awake and feel like this so I hope that when I wake up I feel a little better most the time I do talking with friends usually doesn't help yeah I have to put on my mask my autistic mask and appear normal and fine I don't like telling my problems to other
people cuz I feel like I'm burdening them I already feel like a burden already so definitely don't want to make it worse but I have amazing friends that would be there for me but it doesn't help you try so hard to help and sometimes it does but for the most part the only person that can pull me out looking like this is me and when I feel like this I just can't function I just and I struggle with the thoughts of you can function you just don't want to and so then I go into feeling
more guilty feeling more about am I about myself saying more mean things about myself in my head it's a vicious cycle I fear my first video was made I had all these people telling me how strong a brave I was and how I'm helping people and I don't feel strong or brave or good and it brings me joy know that I'm helping people but I can't help myself so that kind of hypocritical yesterday I had eaten a big lunch so I was just gonna have a bowl of cereal for dinner because I'm like really addicted
to cereal talk about it in another video and when I opened my cabinet I had no cereal and I almost had a meltdown and I couldn't him for the rest of the night and then I wake up this morning and I'm like this a lot of times what happens when you have a meltdown takes you a long time to recover from it and sometimes it can send me into depression and I didn't even have a note that last night just kind of almost but that's just something that maybe could correlate I just again wanted to
kind of share this very real raw moment with you I really hope he didn't upset anybody and I'm sorry that this was like a major downer of a video I promise next week's video will be a beat and funny and nothing like this but I wasn't planning on recording this I wasn't planning on making this be the video for this week but I think people should know the real me and this is a very big part of the real me thank you for watching and I hope to see you next week have a very blessed
day [Music]
