Is Your High Sex Drive A Problem?

all right team welcome back to the man talk show today we're gonna be talking about everything you need to know about having a high sex drive um is it a problem and an issue I'm just going to say at the gates like not really but there are some times uh what causes a very high sex drive and how do you start to direct that surplus of sexual energy and as somebody who has traversed this I wrote about this in my book in men's work I have a whole chapter on uh not taming the beast but

directing it and I wrote about that because for years I felt like I had this inordinate amount of sexual energy and I felt like I couldn't get enough I couldn't you know find enough women I couldn't you know jerk off enough like it was really pretty wild and so I had a lot of Shame around my sex drive it felt like something that was out of control I felt like something that made decisions for me you know I'd want to go to bed uh because I had a presentation the next day for work and instead

you know I'm up at 11 o'clock at night texting a woman trying to get her to come over right and so I think for a lot of guys one of the things that we as men grapple with and maybe you've grappled with this is your sex drive is your own sexual potency and so is your sex drive a problem is having a high sex drive a problem well not necessarily right A lot of people have high sex drives men and women and it's not necessarily an issue where it can start to create issues is if

you're in a relationship with somebody and there's a pretty big discrepancy right that can feel like a big challenge when you're wanting to be sexually connected and engaged with the person that you're dating and they're just not as into it as you or it's just not as big of a priority or they just don't have as high of a sex drive so it's it's not necessarily a problem but there are some indicators that it might be entering into a place where it can be problematic for you right so if you find yourself breaking your own

Integrity right if you're in a relationship like this was me in my early 20s I would be in a relationship with a woman but I would be sleeping around with countless other women so if you're breaking your integrity in a relationship if you're lying uh you know you're in a relationship and you're you're lying because you're you know online and you're paying for only fans or you know you're trying to pick up women on Tinder all of that kind of stuff is going to be problematic the next thing is it might be problematic if you

aren't able to have a deep level of satisfaction no matter how much sex or masturbation or porn you might be watching and I think this is the case for a number of men where there's just this lack of satiation right you never really feel satisfied you constantly need more so so that's another piece of it next is you regularly sacrifice important things this is a sign that I've seen with a lot of guys over the years who have a very high sex drive but are feel out of control with it right and you might feel

this way sometimes too you're like you're sacrificing work you're sacrificing sleep you're sacrificing you know social events you're sacrificing uh you know going to work out and all of these important things for sex or to watch porn or to just get off um that's another big sign and then another one is that you're seeking unsatisfactory and oftentimes very risky sexual exploits so you might be putting yourself in a position merely to get off merely to have some heightened level of excitement to try and push that edge because this is the case for a lot of

guys that have high sex drives when they start to to pursue that again it's not a bad thing I'm not saying it's a bad thing I'm not demonizing in any way it can be a wonderful glorious thing and we can start to pursue it to such a degree where we start to put ourselves in some situations that are not good whether we're taking risks sexually um you know with with people that we know we shouldn't be or that we don't want to be that's causing us to be out of integrity that's putting us into maybe

illegal positions Etc so those are all um signs that you know your high sex drive may be somewhat problematic now what causes really high sex drives and there's a number of things it's not necessarily a chemical thing you know you can dive down the research on this there's not necessarily a correlation between higher levels of testosterone and higher sex drives it's often that you know sometimes you can have a hormonal imbalance within the body that can cause this just like you can have a hormonal balance in the body that will cause you to have a

very low sex drive um and so you know that's why when people you know when guys have very low sex drives or they're having erectile problems or very low energy it's very common that um you know it's a sign that you have very low testosterone that's dipped under an appropriate level but there are some psychological and social issues that can impact and contribute to having a high sex drive so I'm just gonna list them off and then we're going to talk about how do you navigate it that's I'm going to spend the bulk of it

on that so a couple things number one is grief um next is stress anxiety and depression next is unresolved trauma so we're gonna lump all of those together um grief stress anxiety depression and unresolved trauma all of those things will oftentimes create an access of energy in the body and access of turmoil within the body that feels like you need to resolve that feels like you need to get away from or escape from or you need some type of external substance or experience or behavior to cope with that internal experience and so for a lot

of the men that I've worked with over the years who have a very high sex drive that has become problematic right they're missing work they're staying up way too late you know they're they're out of Integrity in their relationship these types of things often what's happening is that sex or masturbation or watching porn or chatting with the woman online has become a Mecca A coping mechanism to deal with something that they are experiencing internally right they feel anxious and they don't want to feel that they feel depressed and they don't want to deal with it

they feel grief from the loss of something and they don't know how to cope with it and so every time that that emotion comes up or that experience happens internally the response is to try and use sex or porn or masturbation as a means of not masking what they're experiencing inside but coping with it and dealing with it right getting a little bit of like feel good dopamine flushing through their system so that it moves you away from the negative feeling or experience internally next is shame surrounding your sexual preferences yeah the shame around ex

your your sexual preferences what you desire or body image and so uh a lot of times a really high sex drive can be because their shame around who we are what we desire and we're utilizing shame to try and cover up uh that uh that that shame underneath next is a lack of fulfillment within your life or a sense of control over your life so for some people having a very high sex drive again that becomes problematic based on again there's nothing wrong with having a high sex drive I'm not saying that these things are

the causes of all high sex drives you might have a wonderful relationship to your own sex drive and it's like something that you really enjoy and I hope that you are there or that you get there because it can be wonderful to have a high sex drive and have it be directed in a healthy way in your life but when it is problematic when your high sex drive is problematic sometimes it can be because we feel out of control in many aspects of your of your life you might feel like control at work you might

feel like you didn't have control growing up in your household and your family system you might feel like you don't have any control or any sense of power in your relationship this is one that I've seen happen a lot where uh the sort of like nice guys right that are in a relationship don't feel like they have power or control or uh they don't feel empowered in the relationship and so all of their their potency goes outside of the relationship to the women that they are being sexual with next is a lack of self-esteem that

can be a big contributing factor right you're trying to use sex as a means of verification that you are good that you are strong that you are powerful that you have meaning that you have value Etc and last lastly is and this kind of ties into some of the ones before a struggle to properly process your emotions and so what I've seen in this this specifically has to do with porn um but for some guys it also you know spills over into uh into sex and infidelity and their relationships is that they'll use things like

porn to circumvent what they're feeling internally so instead of feeling the grief instead of being in contact with your anger instead of you know being able to process the frustration or the anxiety or the stress or the overwhelm from your job and your family and everything that's going on that gets poured into using sex as a vehicle to release that valve right to release the valve of I feel stressed or overwhelmed or whatever it is and this is where a lot of guys um can sometimes go down Paths of you know watching pornography that is

really um like brutally aggressive sometimes or watching some dark stuff or you know you've probably seen the memes on Reddit or online of like the guy you know after the porn session where you know you you have like the post not Clarity and you look at the porn that you've been watching you're like Jesus like what like what Rabbit Hole did I just go down uh and so that's part of the equation that sometimes if you're using porn or sex or masturbation as a means of avoiding what you're feeling emotionally those emotions will try and

get processed in the sex that you're having in the experiences that you're pursuing or in the porn that you're watching so that's a really big one I'm might dive into that on another video okay so what do we do how do we how do we navigate having a high sex drive because again it's not a bad thing it can be a wonderful beautiful thing um I think many of us uh have enjoy it you know I've I wrote about this again in my book men's work I wrote a whole chapter about directing the Beast not

trying to tame it because I had spent years ashamed of my sex drive and feeling out of control with it and there's a few simple things that we can do to really have a healthy balanced relationship with our sex drive number one first and foremost is do your best to date people that have a similar sex drive as you do your best to do that it's not always going to happen it's not always going to be perfect it's not meant to be perfect you're not meant to be with somebody that has the exact same you

know sex drive as you and that's not the only indicator for a really healthy meaningful relationship but you can avoid certain challenges and problems um when you are dating somebody uh and I've seen this happen with many guys where they know they have a high sex drive and then they end up dating somebody and getting into a long-term relationship with somebody that has a very low sex drive right so he wants to have sex three four five times a week and his partner wants to have sex once every two weeks and that's fine and that

creates all kinds of challenges so number one is try and date people that have a similar level of sex drive as you number 2 is prioritize routines and habits that will calm and regulate your nervous system so again a lot of men that I've worked with over the years and myself included in the past was using sex porn masturbation Etc that high sex drive was there because it was a way to calm the nervous system it was a way to de-stress not feel overwhelmed not feel anxious not feel depressed not feel the like anger and

frustration and of not feeling like I you know I had control or Direction in my life and that's the case for many men is that sex and and having a high sex drive is a kind of outlet for them to disperse the excess energy of feeling overwhelmed or anxious or whatever it is so find other methods and modalities breath work meditation certain types of Yoga working out there are many things and I have a ton of resources if you go to my Instagram page it's just at man talks I have many resources that are free

that will help you do that next is desexualize your brain and I have a video coming out on this in the next little while but the big piece is being able to desexualize your brain for a lot of us as men especially a lot of the younger men that are growing up you may have grown up an environment where sex was everywhere right where you watched a ton of sex to watch the ton of stacks and watched a ton of porn growing up and so your brain has become over sexualized you are sexualizing people non-stop

you know you see women at the grocery store and you're sexualizing them and fantasies are going and and your brain has just become conditioned to deal with what you are feeling and experiencing by moving away from that emotion towards sexualization so spend time actively desexualizing your brain and I'll have a video on that for you soon or a podcast on that soon last but not least is get more high quality better men in your life the men that I've worked with over the years that have this like really high sex drive that is problematic in

their life oftentimes it's a part of the equation is that they're quite lonely and they're quite isolated and they don't have really solid men in their lives to talk to about the [ __ ] that's going on in their relationship in their marriage at home with their kids and their business with their finances in their health and so it it gives them an easier Escape Route to go into Fantasyland to try and seek validation and worth and connection exclusively from porn and sex and it can be very very helpful to have solid men in your

life that you are friends with that you can talk to that you can share life's Journeys and challenges with that you can go traveling and have adventures with that you know you can call up when you've got this like abundant energy you know in your body and say listen man I could really use a workout can we go tomorrow morning at six a.m or can we go for a hike today or you know do you want to go ride you know 20 miles on the bikes or something like that right or can we just go

for a walk and chat down by the ocean or whatever so having that solid community of men can be very very helpful to be able to process some of the emotions some of the stress some of the grief some of the anxiety that you might be carrying that is feeding um this high sex drive that's causing problems in your life so comment below let me know what you thought about this video what would you add in what would you like me to expand on and if you're not watching this on YouTube if you're tuning in

to the podcast then hit me up at man talks on Instagram I'd love to hear your thoughts until next week this is Conor Beaton signing off foreign [Music]