Dr. Ramani: The Best Way to Deal with Narcissists Without Arguing

it's an exhausting life to have to continually monitor your life and wonder is that person going to become a flying monkey is that person going to become a flying monkey it's no way to live in some ways all you can do is go through your life as your best you and if the people around you don't seem to understand narcissism be careful around them this particular episode takes on six alternatives to calling out the narcissist because if you're not going to call them out you need an alternative so this short series takes on what happens

when you call out the narcissist the reasons people do it and in this last piece some alternatives to doing it now listen I've said it over and over again right my stance is clear there's no point in calling them out they aren't listening and in general calling them out is far more likely to generate more harm than any growth so unless you love yourself some conflict and rage and some of you may enjoy that then calling them out is never a good idea in fact calling them out only just gives you more confirmation of how

unhealthy these relationship Cycles are and may be so triggering that it is simply not good for your health so let's start at the top here's a first thing alternative to calling out a narcissist don't call them out it's really that simple do not call them out it would save you a world of grief and hurt if you did not you aren't turning to them turning them to them for confirmation they aren't going to change so don't do it if you suspect that narcissistic patterns are in play in your relationships then you simply have bigger decisions

to make put your time there ask yourself do I stay and say boundaries and not engage if I leave what does that look like but some Grand showdown of telling them there's no win there and that's not a good idea a second alternative put your energy into actually really understanding what this pattern is about not in calling them out an issue that often arises is that people read books or blogs or watch videos on channels such as this and then we'll find themselves saying aha now I get it just like maybe that magic moment when

somebody finally sort of Masters algebra or how to play the violin and then you want to take that new found knowledge and want to March over to that narcissist and say uhuh I have your number I see you instead it's far better for you to just simply focus on understanding the pattern and then you can use that information to guide your decision-making not just in this relationship but in others and turn what felt like chaos into a predictable albeit still painful situation and make more informed choices your third alternative is gray rock it's a thing

and it works gray rocking is a form of disengagement not taking their bait not having the usual invalidating conversations not sharing your achievements with them so they can minimize them not sharing your pain with them so they can diminish you further by not having any empathy just stick sticking to superficial topics such as the weather or the new purple flowers in the neighbor's Garden no I get it when you gray rock it's not a deep relationship but the fact is it never was and the gray rocking they have a little ramp up at the beginning

when you do it but then over time it may help with the rage gray rocking means that you don't go deep someone recently suggested to me the idea of another level sort of level up from gry rocking she suggested calling it firewalling she's a tech person and we sort of laid out firewalling as again this level up from Gray rocking the concept of firewalling not letting uh important or sensitive information in or out but otherwise interacting normally it's like a boundary that keeps your most intimate knowledge within you but you can share other information safely

fourth alternative is have some other sounding boards or sources of support this can be therapy close friends who get it those friends of yours who sneer and say you shouldn't say narcissist that's not not nice you're not a doctor put them in the firewall pile you can't have this conversation with them you can turn to online support groups that are well-run or other social groups where you can just be you having those spaces can be game changers for you and make it less likely that you make the mistake of calling out the narcissist and instead

just vent in a space where you are safe and validated fifth is radical acceptance radical acceptance means knowing that this won't change this or these are the limits of this relationship and this person and it also means knowing that calling this out is pointless This falls in radical acceptance Falls in with the many other techniques I have shared including managing realistic expectations setting boundaries iies not defending not engaging not explaining and not personalizing but as part of this it's also recognizing via radical acceptance that calling this out calling a narcissist out is pointless and potentially

harmful and sixth is distraction do something else you feel like calling them out I don't care if you go and pick up some yarn and start your crochet write the Great American novel take a walk bake a cake go to the Garden or binge watch a show for the 10th time do something else and the moment you want to call them out that feeling it may pass I got to say watching a show or a movie is particularly useful because it can sometimes change your disposition or your perspective depending on what the show is about

and just that little change in focus and perspective may pull you back from wanting to do it and sort of letting them that desire to call them out pass I'm going to say this for the third time in this series all of you are are as free to do as you wish we have that option and to know that all choices carry responsibility if their ragy word salad mess is a price of admission to speak your truth then you do you you do what feels right but you go in thinking if you do go in

thinking there could be real change and real Contrition from them then don't do it and keep in mind that there are other people who get affected by their rage children co-workers other observers so please be mindful of those impacts before you start calling them out and their rage overtakes everyone for those of you with traumatic histories narcissistic rage is not only triggering it's destabilizing it can result in setbacks and functioning and in ramp ups and other mental health symptoms the narcissist is going to remain a one one person Wrecking Crew Please protect yourself as their

rage and their manipulation can literally make you sick both mentally and physically and not calling them out is not enabling well a lot of people say if I don't call them out then I'm part of the problem they're already enabled and you calling them out in a strange way enables them more because it means they can just go on one yet another one of their ragers that they use to release tension they aren't going to change and more meaningful consequences that may range from legal criminal Financial employment or social penalties or remedies are probably not

going to happen on your watch consequences that could result in a loss of their power their privilege their resource and their social standing are typic all that will ever get through to them and it very rarely happens in this world the world enables them our laws enable them it's not just you in narcissistic relationships we strive we have to strive for our own self-preservation and protection and we we need to try to heed those red flags early and often so there are alternatives to calling them out there's no point it is a pointless Endeavor these

are six things you can do instead keep keep them at ready access and recognize that at those times you want to say do you recognize what a raging narcissist you are I don't know go turn on that Netflix so let's talk a little bit about this concept of Soul distancing in a in a time as as we're making this video we are talking about other kinds of distancing sort of traditional social distancing keeping six feet away from people as a way to sort of ease the spread of the virus and to keep more of us

healthy for a longer period of time so we don't overwhelm the health industry we understand what that's about we understand why we need to do that but here's where it gets sticky a lot of people are reaching out to me and I'm getting unprecedented numbers of emails and messages about this issue of listen you know I did all the work I was supposed to do I set the boundaries I in some cases they went no contact in some cases they went gray rock they created very robust lives outside of the household Career School you name

it all the things they needed to do social support network Works to be able to help them cope with the narcissist in their lives here's where things changed in many many many parts of the world I live in one of them right now what we're having to deal with is is is a sort of a stay-at-home order where we can't leave our homes easily so the challenge in this then becomes what do you do you no longer can just can't just walk out of the house yeah I guess you could take a walk but in

some parts of the world you can't even do that so how do you manage AG this era and what's happening while staying healthy now here's what's interesting this concept is something I started talking about long before any of this happened and it was often related to things like family dinners and holidays and vacations and things that you were sort of put into to tight proximity like a like again like a holiday dinner or a festival dinner where you were thrust in close proximity to some of your more toxic and narcissistic family members or Partners or

anything like that the challenge then becomes many times people say Hey listen there's parts of my family I really do love I love some of my siblings or I love one of my parents or I'm fond of my grandparents and I'm not willing to completely divorce myself from that system because these people are meaningful to me which I think is wonderful so the question is how do you distance from someone when physically you have to occupy the same space that's where the concept of something I've always called Soul distancing comes into play when you're with

someone and your physical material body is in their presence that's fine you know that happens you have to sit next to people you don't like on buses and airplanes or in offices or in classrooms it happens all the time but when those people have no relevance to you for example you're sitting next to someone on a bus or you're sitting next to someone in a conference room you don't really pay much mind to them you might think like I'll be glad when this is done I don't really like this person or they're doing things that

are making uncomfortable or they're just I just don't like this experience you know it's either time limited or you don't have much association with them it's a whole different game when you have to be in proximity to someone who's been a toxic influence in your life someone who's invalidated you someone who's demeaned you someone who's devalued you or someone who's manipulated you and that's been directly targeted at you that's a very uncomfortable space to occupy and that's not just in your close intimate relationship again that could be your family it could be a friend could

even be the workplace we don't all have the luxury to step away from these relationships and spaces now more than ever right so what do you do your physical body stays in but you can pull that most sacred part of yourself out of there your soul don't have it don't have it present there for them to be able to play with pull yourself away in that it's almost like classical gray rock really what gray rocking is is a form of Soul distance what you do in gray rock is you don't let them interact with the

best of you you're very Serene you're very neutral and flat there's a lot of okay sure sounds good that's interesting enough filler to keep the conversation going but what you don't put up on the chopping block are those most authentic important Divine and sometimes vulnerable parts of yourself at this particularly vulnerable time in our world people are scared they're scared about a lot of things they're scared about elderly friends and relatives they're scared about their livelihoods they're scared about getting sick themselves they're scared about the unknowns those are normal reactions in an abnormal situation what

can be very unsettling though is when you have those fears and because you're stuck in sort of a narcissistic space because you're locked in with people like that you don't feel like you have places you can share that the Temptation is oh these are spectacular circumstances I should be able to share this about myself and then you're shut down mocked or gaslighted Soul distancing means that you're not going to share those vulnerabilities you're not going to share those aspects of yourself you need places to share those things and those May Be Friends by I don't

know by by FaceTime or Skype or Zoom or some other video chat could be texts it could be if you're doing online therapy talking to your therapist those are all very good and appropriate ways to do it just don't bring it to the people who are going to mock you and listen what's going on in the world isn't the only game in town we all have other stuff going on many people are still going to school online they may be doing their jobs online they may be trying to find work online people have been let

go they're trying to get their finances in order there's other stuff going on and in the midst of that you may also feel vulnerable you may say ah Moro I won't graduate in time or I'm afraid that oh my boss isn't noticing my work in the same way or you're worried that you're not going to be able to find new work and in a few months or even right away you're not going to be able to do things like pay rent you're not sure how all these new things are working there's a lot to figure

out right so in those vulnerabilities you once again around the narcissist in your life you don't get to share them Soul distancing becomes a way to make sure you don't take those things to them that you really keep those vulnerabilities and even it's not just about what's going wrong it's also about what's going right what's been striking to me as we've gone through this entire you know you know unbelievable Human Experience of all feeling vulnerable about something that's tiny as a virus but it's it's causing so much havoc in everyone's lives is how people have

drawn together I've really really been struck by how people are attempting to reach out to their neighbors to their friends to their families to do the right things in their communities if they didn't lose their work trying to find ways to help financially support other people creating works of art continuing to sing their songs and giving sort of these kind of quick popup concerts online whatever it is I really am amazed at seeing people who are playing by the rules and really trying to do good things for other people keeping their local bakery in business

by going going socially distancing buying that loaf of bread sometimes even when they don't need it because they want that place to still be there when all of this is over but when you try to even share those beautiful things with your family like can we draw together let's help the person down the street um why don't we find a way to do give back to our community safely you'll also be met with oh please they're they're not our problem we got enough problems once again that beautiful part of yourself can be denied soci distancing

means you also don't bring those good things to them you share them with the places they belong it might be on your social media it may be with friends it may be simply just doing it long after all of what's Happening Now is gone the soul distancing is going to still work for you because a lot of people all over the world don't have the luxury of stepping away from their narcissistic relationships it's so easy to say ah go no contact it's so easy you can't go no contact when you're co- parenting you can't go

no contact in many cultures when you have interdependent family networks you can't go no contact when you need to keep a job especially nowadays right it's not a luxury all of us have to just H let's just go no contact soci distancing is a way to do a different kind of no contact because what happens then is that part of you that that again Divine part of you there's no other way I can say it is that Divine Soul part of you is not even out there for the narcissist to talk touch it becomes an

intentional action you almost need to go into it saying okay I can almost visualize that part I can almost visualize my soul that part of myself just I'm sort of going to put it away and then I'm going to interact with the narcissist I'm going to kind of use a gray rock approach and then find those spaces where you can do that kind of sharing when we're vulnerable when we're fatigued when we're stressed and when we're anxious those are the times we often make I don't know the mistake or the lapse or the slip if

you will of bringing those vulnerable things to the toxic and narcissistic people in our lives and at this unique time of sort of being locked down we may be in close proximity to to them and they may honestly feel like the only game in town like they're the only people we can talk to they're not you've got to view Soul distancing as an incredibly powerful tool for advocating for yourself and protecting yourself without creating conflict it's very much an action that you engage in now as often happens with things like gray rock and no contact

and just not engaging narcissistic and toxic people don't like that they don't like that you're not giving them something to to punch at and have conflict with and be angry about and they they again they love engagement because it becomes one more place to Gaslight or manipulate you so initially they're not going to like that they're going to want to draw that part of you out and they're pretty masterful at it for you the intentional focused work is about yeah no I'm not I'm not taking my soul out right now I'm going to keep it

here secreted because those who are worthy of seeing it and its beauty will get to see it in all its Glory this person hasn't earned that right because they haven't respected it in the past by making it a very intentional act it allows you to even be in close proximity to someone who isn't able to be with that really wonderful vulnerable honest authentic part of you you hold that back and you still may be able to sit and talk with them about the weather listening to their meanderings and ramblings and conspiracy theories and whatever talk

they're engaging in that day but again you can go to that very mindful centered space protect you and not hand over the best part of yourself like I said long after all of this is over Soul distancing which in many ways is a variation on sort of gray rock or no contact but it goes beyond that it's an awareness it's an awareness that there's this piece of you that's very much you that is your authentic good piece of you don't hand that away if you do it enough and you keep having that vulnerable beautiful internal

space in you that spiritual space in you if you want to view it that way if you keep letting that get trashed it impacts you in numerous psychological ways vers is if you're aware that that piece of you is very much you and that you've given yourself the right to keep it held back only sharing it with those who are deserving of being in the presence of your soul listen the soul is a very philosophical concept and even as sort of a traditionally scientifically trained psychologist we sort of we didn't do a lot of soul

talk in grad school or even as you know we we went through our training but I must say that it it's the psyche doesn't quite capture it it's it's that part of us that doesn't conform to something we get it's the US it's it's the it's the identity meets our Divinity meets our spirituality meets our authenticity but that part of us includes everything from our childhood vulnerabilities to our creative interests to the things we want to be and the things we hope to be and a lot of people are letting those thoughts go through them

right now and say h this is a wakeup call how do I pursue those things don't have that conversation with the narcissist Soul distancing means that I got all this beautiful stuff in me and for the first time I'm going to give myself permission to only share it with the people who get it how do you handle flying monkeys now this is a question that more than a few people have sent in and asked me about and I it's interesting I thought about and developed this video during the holidays a time when I know many

people are thrown back together with family members that they have attempted to manage and distance from and now because of the forced gayet of the holidays I have to see them I also know that people have run into flying monkeys in the workplace on social media and in friendships before I get on how to handle them I just want to give you a reminder the healing program healing from narcissistic abuse starting in January just go to the the uh video notes hit that link you'll get on our email list to get the rest of the

information to register so how do you handle flying monkeys we can make this a short video and just say disengage and be done with it but the challenge is that it's not that easy and sometimes the flying monkeys in your life they're not as toxic as the original narcissist so let's address ways for managing the flying monkeys that are inevitably a part of your life if you have a narcissist in your life let's start by breaking down what flying monkeys are they are typically enablers but they can also be people who are ignorant an about

narcissistic patterns and do not see it and they're like clay in the narcissistic person's hands who can manipulate them with ease flying monkeys are typically people who were at one time or may still be connected to both you and the narcissist these could be family members friends co-workers neighbors the narcissistic person will mobilize the flying monkeys typically at times when things aren't going well between you and the narcissist maybe it's a close relationship that's unraveling a contentious family relationship a difficult workplace situation or a friendship that's falling apart because the narcissistic person is always looking

for a way to create Advantage for themselves and they want to maintain a narrative that deflects any blame and responsibility from them and place it on someone else and they have to end up looking wonderful in everybody else's eyes right mobilizing the flying monkeys is a way for them to achieve all three of those things and put the blame on you now that means that there are people around you around all of us that can be mobilized into that role of flying monkey one of the most painful parts of flying monkeys that is that these

are people they're often people who you may have considered to be friends or trusted family or just good people in your life unfortunately because narcissistic people are so skilled at wearing a mask they may have tricked these people and there are so many people out there who don't want to believe that there can be the darkness of narcissism in our midst and any of us who have been through narcissistic abuse and really get it I think we're regularly shocked at how a few people out in the World At Large do get it now flying monkeys

are people who are often vulner vulnerable and recruitable and the manipulations of the narcissist are no match for their Rosy eyed or naive vision of the world flying monkeys like I said can be enablers and often want to maintain a sort of pretty and simple view of the world and who can blame them I wish the world was simpler than the the way the view of it that I've got these days but that makes the flying monkeys vulnerable to a twisted narrative and also one where the narcissistic person beautifully is able to paint themselves as

a victim now just like the original flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz they're A Flock they're almost like a flock of birds they mob and come at you as a group which leaves you feeling even more gaslighted because it seems like an entire group of people are on the same page in a way that is completely at odds with your reality and siding with the narcissist this can be devastating if it is a family and and you actually believe that some of these family members had your back or you've had their back and been

there for them in the past or could be a long-standing group of friends whom you have known for years in fact you might have been friends with them even before the narcissist became friends with them or colleagues that you have supported for years it's a betrayal and because it's a betrayal at such a large scale it is overwhelming and unsettling so to the original concept of this video how are you supposed to protect yourself when it comes to flying monkeys sadly there isn't much that you can do from a prevention standpoint it's an exhausting life

to have to continually monitor your life and wonder is that person going to become a flying monkey is that person going to become a flying monkey it's it's no way to live in some ways all you can do is go through your life is your best you and if the people around you don't seem to understand narcissism be careful around them because they are the ones that will be the most recruitable as flying monkeys it's really where we can address the flying monkeys is what you do as it's happening or after it happens number one

you got to hold on to your reality it's very easy to be gaslighted and start to doubt yourself and feel deeply confused when lots of people are sharing the same distorted narrative trust yourself there can be so much grief when you're experiencing the whole flying monkey phenomen on and that grief can drain you and sometimes leave you doubting yourself even more you know you you know what you experienced and even if the flying monkeys want to Gaslight you alongside the narcissist you got to hold on to your reality number two don't try to convert the

flying monkeys the group of flying monkeys with the narcissist leading the fry can feel a little bit culty and sometimes the flying monkeys can get really zealous about their support of the narcissist and the idea that you may be to blame all you can do is calmly and gracefully stand in your truth even if you're so angry inside don't get into the mud with them they will want to hear your side of things and if you choose to do that stick to the behaviors of the narcissist and don't get lost in talking about gaslighting and

narcissism and other words that might put them on the defensive because when you use those words with flying monkeys they'll often push back and try to paint you as the person number three keep in mind that sometimes flying monkeys come back around before you welcome them back with open arms pay attention to who they were and don't forget what they were willing to do flying monkeys may come around for a variety of reasons they may get burned by The Narcissist or see them more clearly or see that you aren't reacting to them it doesn't mean

you have to give up on the friendship or the relationship with the Flying Monkey but you may want to proceed with more firm boundaries and be armed with the recognition that this person was a friend that became a flying monkey that they were able to do that to you one of the Hallmarks of survival from narcissistic abuse is to move cautiously and slowly but it's important that you learn to not justify and to not get lost in the cognitive dissonance swamp sadly going forward it may feel like a friendship or relationship with this former flying

monkey that's less deep again a key Mantra of narcissistic abuse survivorship is to protect yourself on the basis of the wisdom of the lessons that you've learned from the narcissistic relationship and that means caution and boundaries number four not all flying monkeys are created the same some are trying to play Both Sides being your friend and the narcissistic person's friend tread very lightly there you do not want to be a source of Intel for the narcissist with a flying monkey telling them what's going on so keep your answers and thoughts tur and brief and don't

show your hand to the flying monkeys some flying monkeys are as bad as the narcissist and want to jump on the bandwagon of harming you in that case do not engage some flying monkeys are just stupid almost like the dimwitted kid in high school who just wanted to be friends with the cool kids no matter what and sadly in adult life The Narcissist often is the cool kid the stupid flying monkeys aren't always dangerous but they are definitely not a great person for you you can do better number five hard as it may be build

new sources of support there's nothing like a band of flying monkeys coming at you to be the wakeup call that you need to switch up your game and find some new people this may start in places like therapy but lead you to cultivate friendships with folks who are separate from the narcissist and don't know them and make sure you do have a safe space like therapy to talk about this because the Betrayal grief and confusion of a flying monkey attack can be overwhelming flying monkeys are a deeply painful situation and flying monkey situations have destroyed

families ended friendships and even in harmed careers and all of that on top of having to weather the narcissistic abuse many times people will tell you when you talk about this idea of flying monkeys it's all in your head remember it's a real phenomenon so just hold on to your reality and watch your head in your back and if any of you have some suggestions on how to man manage uh flying monkeys that you've used that have worked for you please drop them in the comments I've only offered up five but you may have techniques

that I haven't thought of so here's a proverb for you to try if you heal the leg of a person do not be surprised if they use it to run away I want you to think for a minute and apply that to narcissism so welcome back to the never ending proverb series I'm really enjoying thinking about this series now um have really been focusing as you can see a lot on U at what traditionally African Proverbs so much wisdom in these Proverbs that seem to understand narcissism so well so this particular proverb if you heal

the leg of a person do not be surprised if they use it to run away let's take this one apart I think some of you are already like yeah I'm on this one so this is as I said it's an African proverb so many of these are just so spot on I'm struck as I've been reading so many of them recently like wow these are so wise they're often quite difficult to source to an individual sometimes even to a country but they're very on point I almost find myself sort of a collector of these African

Proverbs at this point and this this particular proverb it's it's the Heartbreak of so many people who get into narcissistically abusive relationships this idea if you heal the leg of a person don't be surprised if they run away now as you know I have talked repeatedly about the toxic fairy tale of the empath and the narcissist and what happens when very empathic people and very narcissistic people get together basically as too many of you know from firsthand experience the empathic person exhausts themselves in their ill- fated attempts to love rescue enable and help the narcissist

everyone is given a bunch of bad advice as we grow up and a bunch of ridiculous fairy tales on on love stories and how love stories are about rescuing someone and the happily ever after and after you know all of you know that these rescue love stories are basically a Croc of you know what but this kind of thinking rescuing and love stories has gotten so many people into terrible situations in which they really try to help the narcissistic person in their life they listen to the narcissistic person's victimized rants they give them endless supply

they learn to stop talking about themselves they support the narcissistic person in their dreams they give the narcissistic people Second Chances third chances 150th chances and they always always give the narcissistic folks the benefit of the doubt all in this Grand fantasy of rescuing them but after you do all of that one day in many cases the narcissistic person will either cheat or leave or end the relationship and as much as I warn people about the harms of narcissism I'm the first to acknowledge that a narcissistic person doesn't end up with this personality style out

of nowhere right it's not like they're just it's bad luck I guess it kind of is bad luck because many narcissistic people have really rough backstories they did sometimes experience experien difficult childhoods that were characterized by anything from trauma to neglect to having one or two narcissistic parents to being subjected to lots of inconsistency and it's believed that narcissism as a personality style really reflects an anxious and avoidant attachment style which is not an easy way to live none of it's easy sometimes narcissistic people didn't have all of that instead they were just really spoiled

really overindulge as children never were taught limits or they were just The overindulged Golden Child and they get really good in adulthood at shaping their story in a way that will manipulate other people and get them what they want now keeping all of that in mind it can be hard because a lot of people feel like oh I have to rescue this person now this rescuing narrative tends to happen more often with the vulnerable narcissists this is the type of narcissism that's characterized by lots of anxiety and sadness at times social awkwardness lots of neediness

lots of grievances Sullen victimhood resentment pout being pouty being quietly rageful being vindictive these are folks who unlike the grandiose narcissistic types or even the malignant narcissistic types they tend to be more introverted and socially anxious and as a result they do not initially come off as Charming or charismatic or confident but rather a vulnerable narcissist will often initially come off as quiet perhaps even shy and definitely not as sort of in your face attention seeking in the early days of any relationship with a vulnerable narcissistic person they may quite often share sort of tales

of Woe belief of how everyone has let them down their parents life everyone they ever went to school with or ever knew every teacher they ever had they believe that no one sees their Excellence that they never got a lucky break now if you fall for all of this sort of vulnerable narcissistic pmic or vulnerable narcissistic rant it can be very tempting to want to rescue them to want to save them vulnerable narcissistic people can almost turn into a sort of project for the empathic people who come into their lives you may do everything from

listen to them for Endless hours loan them your car introduce them to someone who can help them get a job loan them money help them with their resume tell them how great they are offer to let them move in so they aren't sofa surfing in essence you try to rescue them you try to write all of the wrongs that they tell you have happened in their life and in many cases not all but many once you give the narcissist sort of back their legs as it were they do finally get the job or a steady

salary or whatever it is they needed they may end up being done with you I have seen it happen so many times this isn't going to be that great love story in which the Sullen victimized person turns to you and thanks you for all you've done and then becomes bright and cheery perhaps become the sort of Prince or princess charming and it's all happily ever after that's Beauty and the Beast that ain't real life no narcissism is a very very parasitic style and after kind of getting back on their feet may may even feel that

they can do better than you which is a terrible thing to have thrown at you since you are the one who got them to this point but they believe it and they may trade on this new persona that you helped them create and take that and move on to what they believe are greener pastures and when this happens it can hurt it can really really hurt and play on all of those wounds those core wounds like I'm not good enough at that point after you healed their leg and they run away it is easy to

fall into self-blame self anger and a sense that somehow you're the one who's foolish no you didn't do anything wrong you were human you were kind and it becomes a painful but real life lesson that when dealing with narcissism and I got to tell you A lot of these African Proverbs understand narcissism better than most shrinks understand narcissism today that once you heal whatever they were bothered by whatever they thought they need when you met them when you heal that proverbial leg for them they are more likely to use that so-called healed leg to run

away from you now when a person is left is you know by a narcissist when the narcissist leaves the relationship it's easy to fall into the distorted and flawed thinking that they they the narcissistic person that they're going to change for the next person or it's easy to fall into the belief that of I am not enough and that's why they left or now that they changed they wanted something better than me they haven't changed they didn't they didn't change with you they're not going to change for the next person they're not going to change

for the person after that you know why because they can't you you are more than enough and they didn't change and they're not going to change for narcissistic people all relationships all relationships are transactional and the transaction largely benefits them in their heads if they were actually in touch with themselves honestly what they view it as is hey I was in a relationship with you and that makes you lucky CU you got to be with me and you did stuff for me well y you did stuff for me because I deserve it and guess what

you got to be in a relationship with me and aren't you lucky that's actually what goes to their little entitled brains and then they'll say and now I'm kind of done with you because I got what I needed so bye it hurts and because of this transactional nature of these relationships there are lots of people who get into relationships with narcissists and who help the narcissist rid of heal and by heal I don't mean that you're getting them better you're healing them from their narcissism I mean that you take care of what they need you

take care of what they feel entitled to you may pay bills or solve problems or make them look good to other people and then you watch them walk away because the narcissistic person got what they wanted from that transaction with you and now they're done because they're done with the transaction they aren't thinking about you when they leave because they don't care and your rumin is about what you could have done to have kept them in the relationship right you keep ruminating what could I've done maybe I could have been more maybe I kind different

there is nothing more you could have done you already did enough in fact I'd argue you probably did too much the entitlement of narcissism is that that they do expect other people to do what they need even to sort of fix them and then the narcissist can Waltz off into the sunset on that leg you helped them heal adult relationships no adult relationships are they're not about fixing they're not about rescuing at least they shouldn't be healthy relationships are about balance and respect and mutual regard and compassion if during all all of that you support

each other and sometimes help each other solve problems then that's great that's wonderful that's that can happen and that will happen in a healthy relationship but nobody should believe that the only way to win someone over is if you fix their life so this proverb if you heal the leg of a person do not be surprised if they use it to run away actually really applies to many narcissistic relationships where people felt they did so much for the narcissistic person and the narcissistic person took it and walked the best I can leave you with is

stop trying to fix them it can't be done it can't be done by me it can't be done by you it can't be done and the fact of the matter is rescuing and fixing that's not what love is hope that gives you some clarity thanks again