Damn, Daniel. I'm your mother. Don't call me Daniel.
It's from A VIDEO. MRS. S.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WE'RE HAVING a memorial for Harambe. The gorilla.
So sad. RIP. Okay, look.
I need you guys to help me do my makeup. My friend Stacy's having her divorce party tonight. Ooh.
Did her husband cheat on her with Becky with the good hair? No, it was his secretary. She's bald.
It's a Beyonce reference. Mom. Oh my god.
We're going to give you the James Charles eyebrows. You're going to look so good. Wait, who's James Charles?
Is he that guy who sings pen pineapple apple pen? No, he's a beauty influencer. That reminds me.
Did you hear the cheerleading team's going to do the mannequin challenge tomorrow? Oh, no way. Way, dude.
Where's my Kylie Jenner lip kit? I don't know. How are we going to do my mom's makeup if we can't overline her weird small lips?
Hey, we could have her do the Kylie Jenner lip challenge. No, remember the weird bruises it gave us. K.
Oh my god, we had the talent show the next day. That was so embarrassing. Nonsense.
You two did great. And I love that song. You know what breaks your heart and move to the city?
Closer. Yeah, I love that song. Oh my goodness.
What? Leonardo DiCaprio just won his first Oscar. Jeez.
Finally. Seriously. Okay, now let's get started.
Hey, this is my girlfriend Kate. It's nice to meet you. You're a brave woman having to put up with this knucklehead.
I'm Shelly, but you can just call me mom. Hey, I'm going to run to the bathroom real quick. Okay, so you know my sister has the same shirt as you.
Really? We'll have to take a picture sometime. Are you good at digging?
Oh, Jim. What? She's dead.
So, you'll have to dig her up for that picture. Oh, what's so funny? Nothing.
I'm sorry. My husband has a very morbid sense of humor. It's how he copes.
You should have seen him last year when the hamster died. Man, I wonder what's taking pizza long. He's probably pooping.
Oh, no potty language in this house. I'm so sorry. I'm kidding.
He's definitely taking a I mean, food just goes straight through that guy, right? You know, when he was a kid, we used to just take him out back and hose him down cuz he stunk so bad. A real stinker that Pete is.
Hey, what you guys talking about? Shh. Nothing.
Your mom was just telling me how cute you were when you WERE LITTLE. OH, SHOULD we look at some baby pictures? Yes.
No. I'll go get the photo albums and you should go say hi to your sister. Oh, yeah.
She's in her room listening to that emoji music. Emoji? You mean emo?
Yeah, man. I'm glad you guys came. There's a ton of weeds out back that need to be pulled.
Oh, great. Man, I wish I WAS A BOY. I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO DO.
OKAY, first thing on the list, go to the bathroom STANDING UP. OH, GOD, IT'S SPLASHING EVERYWHERE. OKAY, NEXT.
Cat call someone. Hey girl, you got a nice Sorry, I like your purse. Oh god, I did not like that at all.
Go out without a shirt. Okay, here I come, world. That was amazing.
Okay, next is helicopter. Who are you and why are you in my sister's room? Devon, it's me.
Samantha, what happened to you? I don't know. I just made a wish and voila.
So, are you going to be like this forever? I don't know, but honestly, it's kind of nice. Okay.
Hey, you hungry? Starving, which is weird cuz I ate like an hour ago. Welcome to manhood.
You're always hungry, but you can eat whatever you want and still have a six-pack. Speaking of a six-pack, I've got to take some pictures for my dating profile. Are there any lakes close by?
I could really use a fish. No, I don't think so. You know, I always wanted a brother.
You want to arm wrestle? True. What was that?
Dang it. I only have FIVE MORE MINUTES LEFT OF BEING A GUY. WELL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU need to do.
Do I have time? Plenty of time. Go get me the jello.
I got you, brother. Hey, what you doing? Get out of my room.
Mom said I can hang out with you and your hot friend. HI, CHRIS. EW.
HONEY, BE NICE TO YOUR BROTHER. FINE. Stay still.
You're going to mess up your makeup. No, you poked me in the eye. Beauty is pain, Chris.
Now, go put this on a dress. We're playing princess castles. Okay, then she should be the princess.
I should be a knight and you should be a lowly peasant. NO, YOU'RE A PRINCESS. OH, MOM.
NO, NO, NO. I'M SORRY. Please don't tell mom.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT CHRIS HIT ME. NO, I didn't. She hit me.
Christopher James, be nice to your sister. What the? Dude, language.
Yeah, language. Do you hear her? She's mocking me.
Just keep playing dress up and dinner should be ready in a few minutes. No. Go put on your dress, maiden.
Whatever. DUDE, I LOOK RIDICULOUS. WE'RE LIKE TRIPLETS.
So breezy, right? Do you feel like a princess? I do, but don't tell my friends I did this.
Oh, look at you guys. Let me get a picture. Mom, no pictures, please.
Just for your grandmother. Say cheese. >> Cheese.
>> Perfect. Thanks. I know I am.
I'm perfect. You look like a sewer rat. No, you look like a sewer rat.
Enough fighting and go take my dress off. BUT MOM, I FEEL FABULOUS. MOM, GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
WHAT on earth are you two doing? We're practicing the Harlem shape. >> Look, Mr.
Smith, >> that's great. Can I have my sunglasses back? >> Yeah.
Here you go. You popped the lenses out. Yeah, they look cooler that way.
Oh, one sec. My mom's calling. Hello.
And what is this garbage on your computer? That's Jenna Marble's mom. She's like my idol.
Hm. And this? Oh, that's how animals eat their food.
Guys, Justin Bieber just got arrested. What? Who is Justice Beaver?
Is he a friend from school? No, Mom. It's Selena Gomez's ex-boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure they're back together again. Okay, Kaye, I like your hair. Oh, thanks.
It's braided like Katniss from the Hunger Games. Oh, I love those books. Uh, they're movies now.
Well, sorry. I guess I'm just too busy working so I can pay for your eye telephones and Converse. Oh, that reminds me.
I figured out what I want to be for Halloween this year. What? Oh, me and my boyfriend are going to be Miley Cyrus and Robin Sick at the VMAs.
Oh, absolutely not. That Hannah Montana girl has lost her mind. No, she's just not a kid anymore.
Oh my god, I saw this quote on Tumblr. It was like, wait, what's a Tumblr? Oh, yeah.
What is that sound? Oh, it's just your little brother singing, "What does the fox say again? " What does the fox say?
What does the fox say? >> Every morning I wake up in A NEW UP SPOT. >> HOW DID I GET UP HERE?
>> YESTERDAY IT WAS THE TOILET. >> MOMMY, IS THE ELF EATING POOP? HE SURE IS, SWEETIE.
THIS IS CHOCOLATE. AND THE DAY BEFORE THAT, IT WAS THIS. I mean, some days are better than others.
But I just can't believe this is my life. In December, at least. MOST OF THE YEAR, I'M IN A CARDBOARD box in the garage.
SWEET DREAMS, BUDDY. >> BUT HEY, IT COULD BE WORSE. At least I'm not a gingerbread man.
They ate my arm. Stay strong, GINGI. IT'LL BE OVER SOON.
>> IT'S NOT THAT BAD, THOUGH. There's this old guy who's really cool, and most of the people are really nice and handle me with care. BUT THERE IS ONE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE CREATURE, AND HIS name is Jimmy.
He's 12. He smells like hot dogs and his fingers are ALWAYS SPICY FROM EATING HOT CHEETO. Jimmy is an angel.
He could do no wrong in my eyes. Jimmy is a monster. But at the end of the day, I'm just thankful to HAVE A FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
NOT MY GUMDROP BUTTONS AND TO HAVE THIS SICK OUTFIT. MOM, BUDDY, THE ELF IS TALKING. Sure he is, sweetie.
Oh, and I'm also thankful I get to mess with little Jimmy there when his MOM'S NOT LOOKING. HEY, OVER HERE. ANYWAYS, HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I'LL see you again next year.
Morning, babe. Oh, why did you do that? I don't know.
Why did you cheat on me? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I had a dream.
I caught you kissing some girl. Chill. It was just a dream.
Or was it my woman's intuition? That's not a thing. Also, why did you tell me to chill out?
You should be reassuring me. Okay. Well, hold that thought.
Hello. Dang. What's wrong with you?
Oh, Ben cheated on me. He what? In her dream.
I cheated on her in her dream. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO HER? GOD, men are so disrespectful these days.
I can't control what she dreams. Just last week, she had a dream that Timothy Shalamé was her ballet teacher. It was actually a pretty cool dream.
The man moves like a gazelle. Dang, was he wearing a leotard? Don't answer that.
Anyways, I was calling to see if you guys could help me move this weekend. Oh, Ben can. What?
Are you punishing me because of the dream? By the way, Ben, I have like four couches, so you're going to want to eat a hearty breakfast before you come over. Okay, sounds good.
Seriously, what? You can get a workout in. Just give me a kiss and stop being so cranky.
It was just a dream. I know. I would never cheat on you.
Now, give me a kiss. That was exactly how you kissed her in my dream LAST NIGHT. OH MY GOD.
Just go to work, cheater. I'm not a cheater. You're the one dreaming of Timothy Shalamé.
Hey babe, you look horrible. I'm beautiful. Do you have any wet wipes?
I got to take a No, girls don't poop. THIS GIRL DOES. WAIT, DON'T GO IN THE BATHROOM.
THERE'S A BIG ASS spider in there. Spider? Yeah, look.
Those are my lashes. Wait, these things come off. Yeah, the fake ones I normally wear.
Oh, I was wondering why you looked like all of a sudden. What did you just say? Nothing.
You want to get some food? Sure, but I'd get out of here. It's about to get stanky.
Man, that was good. Did you like it? I don't know.
You ate all of it before I even got a chance to try anything. Oops. Sorry, babe.
Who are you and what did you do with my girlfriend? Oh, don't be silly. All girls are like this once they get comfortable around you.
Not my ex. She curled her hair every day for me. You guys dated for like 2 months.
She was still in the deception phase. Deception phase? What are you guys spies or something?
Yeah, like at the beginning when we try to hide our crazy and basically just trick you guys into dating us before we reveal our true selves. Why would you do that? The same reason you're still trying to convince me you have a full head of hair under that hat.
That's valid. You want to go get some drinks and watch the new Dune movie? Yeah.
See, I still love you. I love you too.
