hi everybody thank you so much I'm really excited to be here I like to watch porn anybody else would like to watch porn [Applause] I love watching porn and I think that when people look up porn on their favorite site they always have their two standard search words and mine are Asian and school yes I like to watch Asian because I'm conceited and I like to watch school because I'm Asian I'm like oh my God are they doing a standardized test yeah I want to get married I do I want to get married real bad
because I have this fantasy that if I get married I get to stop doing all the [ __ ] women have to do to keep [ __ ] trap a dude no more effort foreign underwear anymore I want to be free to not wear thong underwear I just want to wear little boys underwear because that's what fits I don't know what that pocket in the front is for that's just where I put my keys when I run [Music] and I do not want to have to diet anymore I hate dieting that is the worst part
about being a woman you know what I did today I ate kale chips I ate kale chips and then I did a bunch of butt squeezes at my desk hoping that I would take a [ __ ] and have a six-pack just miserable just at my desk just searching for laser hair removal Groupon dealer when I get married I'm just gonna I'm gonna eat whatever I want when I say I do what I really mean is [ __ ] it fried chicken skin every day from then on and fulfill my destiny which is to turn
into a circle with eyelashes yeah that's what I'm gonna do and once I get married no more plucking no more shaving no more trimming no more I'm done with I'm just gonna let it all grow out I'm just gonna let it go because it takes too long to trim it takes an hour I don't have an hour to just you have to take off your pants and then you stand over the toilet and you lower your eyeglasses like Angela Lansbury and just I'll pull the butt hair to the front and I'll trim that too I
always I uh I did The Tonight Show a couple months ago and I had actually got an offer to do it last May but it was the same day as my boyfriend's graduation from Harvard and I was like okay I could do The Tonight Show and get a TV credit or I could go to my boyfriend's graduation from Harvard and poke a hole in the condom what is going to guarantee the most steady income what is gonna get me a house I once hooked up with a man who refused to put it in the back
yeah he refused I was like you're an idiot dude do you realize that if I went on Craigslist and posted tiny Asian female seeking anal the website would crash do a crush and for all the young women who are in their 20s who were like grow up just grow up okay I know what you scared of because I was scared too you're not scared of the pain because women were very good about dealing with pain what you're really scared of is doo-doo on the dick you're scared that he's gonna see that and that's gonna be
your shame your inner Evil all your horrible secrets and lies so far I can't help you now guess what when he sees that he's not thinking about doodoo on the Dick he's thinking I just put it in her butt and I'm personally very grateful for anal because I'm a little stretched out in the punani for my 20s so when I finally did anal I felt like I got a second chance at life I'm going back in back and got a little backup [ __ ] all along all along you were there all along right beside
me I didn't even know like Footprints in the Sand finale Wong have a good night thank you [Applause] [Music]
