most all of us like to be nice but some people just feel like they were born to help others sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people they'll take any chance to provide assistance big or small unasked for and often unthank while being helpful is a good thing it can also evolve into a people pleasing attitude that can have surprisingly negative effects on the helper themselves and sometimes even the people being helped so let's take a closer look at what's really going on with helpers and people Pleasers what makes them different
the problems they can encounter and what we can really learn from these tropes while some people are always first and foremost looking out for number one others can't help but want to try to provide a helping hand to pretty much everyone they come across while this drive can be bored out of a need to be liked which we'll unpack in a moment I should have said something but I'm such a people pleaser which I know comes from my father's inability to validate me it's usually based in their inherently kind nature on screen we often see
it split down two branching paths the first are the genuine helpers the people who are always on the lookout for ways to improve the lives of everyone around them and the World At Large while they certainly like to be liked who doesn't that isn't the main driving force behind their Good Deeds they're quite perceptive which allows them to see the problems around them clearly and their solution focused Natures lead them to act on their impulse towards Improvement all we can do is get there as fast as we can and because these helpers aren't just operating
out of a desire to be like they're also not pushovers in fact they often fall into the other end of the spectrum where they have zero problem standing up for what they believe is right even when it's tough take Parks and Recreations Leslie for example she's focused her entire life around helping as many people as possible she's wanted to work in government making the world a better place for her neighbors and constituents since she was a little kid if I seem too passionate it's because I care if I come on strong it's because I feel
strongly as an adult she's gone after this goal full steam ahead though is often dismayed to find out how many Ro blocks can pop up even when you're trying to make things better but she never lets this stop her and in fact being told no when she knows something is right just makes her go after it twice as hard her strong Unapologetic personality makes it possible for her to make big changes even when it's an uphill battle and her drive to make the world a better place at all costs helped some of the less Stellar
parts of her job roll off her back these people are members of a community that care about where they live so what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me similarly new girl's justest is an empathetic caring person who helps out so many people in her life from her students to her friends sometimes she can focus on others a little too much do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings yeah don't you no how do you get anything done it's hard but at the end of the
day she's actually quite good at balancing assisting others and helping herself her nice helper personality might cause some to assume she's a pushover but that isn't the case in the same way she's willing to stand up for others she's also able to stand up for herself suck it Mr Crab this kind of positive focus on helping combined with a strong sense of self often leads to more equal relationships the helper might have to wake people up a little bit to get the ball rolling on reciprocity but because they worked on building strong genuine relationships with
the people around them those people are then happy to help out in return for the last 6 months my friends have worked so hard every 5-minute coffee break at work every night every weekend every spare moment of their lives they gave to me on the other end of the helper Spectrum are the people Pleasers the people Whose desire to help Springs from less positive impulses often this is due to a fear of rejection they can't cope with anyone being mad at them or not liking them and so we'll do anything in an effort to avoid
that fate even when it causes them problems which it often does oh Penny what did they do to your car could I get too B in my defense I do tend to shy away from confrontation oh psychologist Linda tman explained to Psychology today the typical people pleaser is someone who lacks an internal Compass to gauge the value of their own actions as a result they spend their lives looking for validation from others people pleasing Tendencies often start early in life children are often shown by the world around them that the way to be rewarded and
validated is to be good that is be quiet and do whatever the parent says they're made to believe that their only value in the world is how useful they are to the people around them how willing they are to put everyone else's needs above Their Own no matter what this then extends out to relatives and teachers and then can continue to follow them into the workplace friendships and relationships in adulthood this can play out in across the board people pleasing tendencies where they become essentially subservient to everyone in their life or can just continue to
focus on one person from who they seek validation most we can see this in the Roy children from succession whose entire lives are essentially focused around pleasing one person their father he played mind games with them and pitted them against each other for what little affection he was willing to do out and usually only as a ploy to get them to do what he wanted do you have any idea how it feels to be you know promised something and then just have it taken yeah as a result in adulthood they're willing to give up anything
or hurt anyone including themselves if they think it will please Logan we were just talking to him the enemy hey R the adults are talking how about you could play in the other room many people Pleasers however attempt to please everyone in their life rainbow un blackish for example has so much going on for herself she's nice intelligent has an important job is beautiful but even as a strong capable adult her people pleasing nature at times leads her to misery she felt like she didn't receive enough attention from her father as a child and so
seeks out praise as an adult often through attempting to be as nice and helpful as possible to those she aims to please even when it's to her detriment but I'm a people pleaser why do I always have to please people he's also of course had to deal with the expectations placed upon black women in particular to be even nicer and to put everyone above themselves even more it takes her going to therapy to really begin to understand how this outlook on life has followed her from childhood how it's negatively affected her and how she can
begin working to change things for the better for herself my inability to accept that my father doesn't see my need for validation good righto that was really good and for some characters like friends Monica for example the drive to people please can actually come from a desire for control they constantly fear that they aren't enough and so hope that if they can make others dependent on their help they'll always be needed people pleasing attitudes can also have more nefarious underpinnings on succession Tom turned his Midwest nice personality up to 11 in an attempt to sneak
his way further and further up the ladder he's always willing to help no matter how much it might pain him to the point that everyone else makes fun of him for it tiptoe Tommy here to serve mhm I'm here to serve lip balm tomw lubing up his lips to kiss my butt but no matter how much he's mocked and belittled he's always able to stick around because everyone feels like they'll be able to use him and looking down on him however they miss how clever he really is he may seem aloof but he actually has
a very clear vision of what's going on and what it takes to survive my hunch is that you're going to get because I've seen you get a lot and I've never seen Logan get once Barry grapples with the idea of helping in service of the narrative that you want to create about yourself attempting to create an idealized version of you that is separate from the reality of you out of a genuine desire to rewrite your sins however misplaced this idea may be Barry feels like if he can help someone he might be able to cancel
out the hurt he's brought into the world and for his son he hopes that he can create a version of himself that will lead his sign down a better path no spoilers here but if you want a breakdown of Barry's ending check out our video on that of course being a helper can be driven by a lot of internal characteristics but it's also often something that is foed upon certain people welcome to the no options Club it's a cool Club yeah actually I'm in it oh uh most of America's in it whether it's Buffy Summers
having the safety of the entire world placed on her teenage shoulders or much more everyday issues that we all run into to service workers across Industries often have to deal with people assuming that because they're employed in a helping role they're entire life should be focused around helping them with whatever they want whenever they want these entitled attitudes stem from multiple different issues from class strata and the assumption that some people are meant to serve to the customers always right problem women and people of color regardless of their role are often placed into the helper
category whether they like it or not and often feel like they must go along with it to avoid being seen as difficult or rude women also often get stuck with the helping role at home too from an early age as we discussed in depth in our video on the eldest daughter syndrome on superstore we meet Amy working a dead- end job trying to make ends meet and feeling like she can barely keep up no matter how she really feels on any given day she has to put on a happy helpful face for customers to avoid
getting yelled at or even losing her employment she is a kind and caring person but her placement into the people leing role isn't out of her own design consciously or subconsciously but instead as a direct result of societal factors that she has no personal control over everything okay rough day yeah I heard can't wait for this day to be over I need a drink shogun's Maro also had to hone a people pleaser Persona to get by after her traumatic childhood she forged her helpful nature not only out of loyalty but also as a way to
keep herself safe she has many skills that come in handy but her interpersonal skills are especially important it's thanks to her intelligence and empathy that she's able to truly understand the heart of what people are trying to communicate and uses her people pleasing skills to soften those Communications so that things don't escalate tell this milk dribbling F me I'm ready to go there's also the extreme version of this with artificial intelligences brought to life solely to be helpful to others sometimes they're allowed to have their own personalities and Pizzaz like the good plac is Janet
but more often they're programmed to be people Pleasers in the most rudimentary of ways and are almost always women created to help men most of us realize that being helpful and kind is important and a major part of society being able to function but for some people the compulsion to help can become a problem in a big way not feeling helpful can fill them with Dread and anxiety because they feel like that kind of a approval is the only way they can know they're useful or deserve to be around because of this no matter how
stressful or painful it may be they can't seem to stop doing whatever they can to please everyone else self-proclaimed people pleaser Brooke told Psychology today people ask me to do things like serve on committees and I'll accept without evaluating whether I'm really passionate about it because I say yes a lot I'm too busy I'm too stressed and my attention is divided I'm a grinder I grind because I worry and I have a very very high tolerance for pain and physical discomfort even for the characters who very much aren't doormats their nature can still lead to
them getting walked over sometimes or harming themselves in service of their bigger goals to help more according to clinical psychologist Debbie senson people Pleasers are especially prone to burnout at work they tend to be very kind thoughtful people which makes it that much harder for them to set boundaries not take on too much work or get emotionally invested in their job I'm going to work until 100 and then cut back to 4 days a week oh God I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off the drive to constantly find a way to help
can also even cause problems for the people being helped particularly when they didn't ask for or don't want that help we have to go back Kate we have to go back people Pleasers who are driven by their compulsion to be liked and prove that they're useful can sometimes find that they're having the opposite effect upsetting people and pushing them away by being overbearing or presumptive while people pleasing can certainly lead to a lot of problems being a genuine helper can be great for you and everyone lucky enough to be in your orbit as long as
we're living and breathing there's more we can do we just have to be strong enough and there are many different levels on the helper Spectrum not everyone wants to be or even can be on and ready to help all the time but the people who show up when it really counts are just as important to the fabric of Our Lives I owe this this Victory all of it to my friends and my supporters no one achieves anything alone and sometimes the people who don't have any interest in helping anyone else can even find a spark
that leads them to do so and make a big change a sewing machine yeah he loved it even if people pleasing Tendencies have led to stress and even misery that doesn't mean that one is trapped in that cycle forever girl shashana began the show as a sweet if naive girl who just wanted everyone to like her but over the seasons she learned to stand up for herself in what she wanted more and more she also eventually came to realize that she was much happier without the people who put her down for Being Earnest or wanting
to help out people who naturally want to help are a very important part of society and help us all keep going but it's important that they don't forget to think about themselves too it's important for helpers and especially people Pleasers to create boundaries for themselves and others and to realize that it's okay to say no to things and if anyone does get mad at you for it they probably aren't people who are adding positively to your life anyway taking time to focus on yourself and to set healthy boundaries isn't selfish it's necessary to avoid burnout
helpers Make the World Go Round And it's time they got the respect they deserve always look for the helpers there were there will always be helpers because if you look for the helpers you'll know that there's hope that's the take click here to watch the video we think you'll love or here to check out a whole playlist of awesome content don't forget to subscribe and turn on notifications
