it's pretty incredible isn't it the things that some people are willing to say out loud in those moments where you're taken ab and caught off guard do you say something do you not say something what do you do in today's episode it's all about how to handle inappropriate questions and comments welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything if you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication I'm going to ask ask you to follow this podcast and if you would please leave a
review if you have any topic suggestions just throw them in the comments I'll read them I also want to make sure I tell you that my new book the next conversation is officially out on pre-order down in the show notes you'll find a link to it and those that pre-ordered well I made you some bonuses I made three free bonuses that can help you I made them myself and I know you're going to really like them so those who pre-order that's what you get the next time that someone asks you an inappropriate question or makes
an inappropriate comment here's what I want you to do number one say nothing just add 5 Seconds of Silence this is a tip that I use all the time and recommend because it truly does work about 5 Seconds of silence and you have to pair it with your face all right you don't have to say anything but the look and you know what kind of look I'm talking about that look that says I know you didn't just ask me what I think you ask me most of the time that's all you have to do number
two you if you need to be a little bit more direct I'm going to encourage you to use phrases that aren't going to get the other person offensive phrases like what's your intent as in what's your intent on asking or what makes you want to know these are questions that though direct aren't going to make the situation worse and number three if you can depending on the person just kind of play it off these are friendly uh ways to say things light-hearted such as yeah I like to keep a little mystery or that's between me
and myself something that keeps the mood lighthearted a little a little bit friendly and lets them know you're not going to give that kind of information now listen everybody is guilty of asking or making an inappropriate comment or question everybody it's just called putting your foot in your mouth where you didn't really mean to say that out loud and you can't believe you said that you just go oh my gosh I I can't believe I just said that and you wish you could you could put it back in but you can't unring that bill so
I want to clarify that those who make inappropriate comments and questions and doesn't make them a bad person now there are some that they are bad of course but it doesn't mean that if you make the inappropriate question that's exactly who that person is sometimes it's just an off day sometimes they can't believe that they just ask that and they need you in many ways to show them that what they just did is not acceptable some people don't mean it to be inappropriate right you've asked that question or said something that it just came off
the wrong way what makes it inappropriate a lot of different things a lot of different context but often some people just might ask a question and realize oh wait I shouldn't have asked that well but I shouldn't have I totally made a mistake there doesn't mean that it's necessarily inappropriate just means they asked the wrong question at the wrong time and said it the wrong way so it might not be inappropriate to ask but it might be inappropriate on in terms of the overall context so anytime you feel that I want I want to make
sure that I emphasize it's a case by case b and you're going to have to base it on who you're talking to what you know about that person what the context is what the circumstances are so don't assume that just because they ass it it makes them a good or bad person if there's one thing that I pray that you've learned from me if you've listened to any of my podcasts or watch any of my content it's that silence is truly powerful tool that you can use to apply with just about anything when somebody's making
a comment that is inappropri or asking that question using silence as your answer is a way to set your feet in the conversation and saying no okay it's a way of almost putting up the hand and it's just it's you're not having to do anything understand that just because they ask that question it is Solly within your power to decide if you say anything at all hear me again it is solely within your power when somebody ask an inappropriate question for you to have any response whatsoever understand you can have nothing you can say nothing
you can walk away you could just ignore it and that is solely within your power and there's nothing wrong with that depending on what they ask silence is a way to allow them to hear what they said back for them to go oh that didn't sound good at all what I like to do and encourage when somebody's making inappropriate question or comment is to give them a face not like a stank face not like a an angry face I'm just saying look I look like God did you really just ask me that did you did
you really just say that this face it says do I really have to comment on that or maybe even stronger this is not something I'm going to comment on when you pair with that nonverbal communication you say all that you need to say without saying a single word all right so anytime that you feel that that tension the biggest takeaway that I want you to have is you're under no obligation to say a thing so often we feel like just because somebody asks us something we have to have an answer we have to have a
response typically when somebody says something inappropriate we kind of in the South we say him and Hall you kind of just go uh I mean uh well I I mean and you feel like you have to have some kind of answer because they ask when it's inappropriate there's no obligation there's nothing polite of rule that you need to follow it just simply staying within your own power and your needs and your own mental health of saying you know what no that's not something I'm going to respond to now if you need to be a little
bit more direct that I'm going to encourage you to ask a question back to them so often you're not giving them the answer that they want you're asking a question that serves as a second mirror in a way to see what are they getting what are they getting at here what's the point so you ask the question what's your intent meaning what's your intent on asking that usually if I ask that question somebody says something an inappropriate question I might ask what was your what was your intent what's your intent with that they often will
say oh well I mean and they'll they'll try and find an intent if they have one or what makes you want to know what makes you want to know often when you ask those kind of questions being very direct about it you're going to find they don't really have a reason they don't have a true reason and wanting to know that information they just want to know or they felt like they ought to have it and ask something and so they feel like just because they asked they're going to get it they're going to realize
that's that's just not the case or what also happens is because I I make mistakes you make mistakes we all make mistakes is that when you ask that that question what makes you want to know what makes you ask it's not why right I'm not saying the word why which makes him offensive like why do you want to know instead of it's what what makes you ask using what doesn't get people nearly as defensive so if I say what makes you ask they might have a reason that I go oh it's it wasn't inappropriate at
all I I just heard it wrong I misinterpreted what they were wanting often that happens to everybody where you assume one thing cuz we like to assume the we're humans and what they meant to ask was something completely innocent we just heard it wrong so when you serve a question that is a a mirror like what's your intent in asking or what makes you ask and you find out oh they actually have a good reason oh they actually have an a good intent in asking it's not inappropriate at all then it's a way of not
taking it personally right you're you're giving them Grace in that moment and you're also giving Grace to yourself of saying oh man I I I got this all wrong yeah of course I'll answer that that question so glad that you asked so often it it works both ways where you're not just assuming the worst out of everybody instead you're asking this question that is going to be both a buffer for the other person as well as yourself and so let's say that you gave that 5 Seconds of silence and then you followed up with that
question of what makes you ask and they have an okay answer but not something that you still really want to share what I like to recommend is give a little bit of lightheartedness into your response reason being at that point I don't feel like they've done enough depending on what they've said for me to use my words to shut the door in their face which we will talk about should you need that but I lighthearted in terms of well I like to keep a little mystery or that's between me and myself or the one I
like to use is that one's for me that one's for me in other words I'm saying hey you know a lot about me most likely uh the fact that we're talking together you you might know some things about me or you think you know but that one that particular element that you're asking that one's for me I'm keeping that one to myself you don't you don't get that one that's what I'm sending with that message so understand if you need to just go back and say well that one's for me that one's for me I
you're not going to share it you don't need to share it and you're letting them know that what they ask is not something that is for them to find out now with my favorite part of the podcast and this is where I get to answer a question from a follower if you're part of my newsletter where I send out one communication tip once a week right to your inbox I'm able to respond to people and they're able to ask me questions and here in the podcast I have been doing this since I started and I
pull a question from someone given the topic that I'm going to be talking about that that given week this one is from Rachel Rachel is in Brazil Rachel says Jefferson love your information thank you so much I find it so useful thanks Rachel I have a problem there is somebody that I work with who likes to ask me inappropriate questions this is a supervisor I never know really what to do I typically try to just laugh at often but I'd like to have an actual response any help would be appreciated Rachel I totally understand what
you're going through most of the time these kind of situations come up at work right where you where you're not really family but yet you're together all the time so people feel like they can ask certain things or say certain things that they otherwise wouldn't feel comfortable about should you all just be regular strangers on the street so in that kind of situation this is what I'd recommend to you Rachel try a little bit of silence and instead of this laughing nervousness channel that into a response if silence feels uncomfortable to you or you feel
like that's going to put you in a position that makes it feel more Awkward which is Not a Bad Thing by the way channnel that into a response of what makes you ask all right and don't take away that nervous energy and channel that into a response when you start speaking a lot of that nervous energy tends to flow out because you're breathing it out all right so when that happens just what makes you ask what makes you ask and if this person let's say the supervisor is tending to press a little bit more make
you feel uncomfortable in that way then use words of preference in past this is what I mean by that when you say words that show that you have a history of doing things it doesn't make it nearly as awkward because it it's not as um brunt uh with somebody for them to be uh is brunt even a word I feel like it should be maybe blunt uh maybe Brash I mean in that work environment you don't want to sound like you're going to turn them off I mean they're probably you're probably good friends with this
person or you work with this person you want to have a good relationship so you don't want to just you know kick them in the teeth with your words uh but when you use phrases like well I prefer to or I typically or most of the time or in the past anytime you can indicate that you have a history of doing certain things a certain way then that other person feels like this is just part of your manual this is how you operate I'm not singled out so if they asks you an inappropriate question uh
let's say let's say a guy asks just for some dumb reason ask what your pant size is okay or what shoe size or you whatever it is or your weight or anything often you can say I I I prefer not to share that instead of that's private right and instead of having this Snappy response where somebody goes oh excuse me it's all s when you can use phrases that say I prefer not to share that or I typically don't talk about my appearance any any way to show that you have a history of doing things
whether it's typically in the past the way I prefer to do something the way I typically do something it allows you and the other person to have a much more smoother interaction because they don't feel like they're singled out it makes them feel like oh this is just how you respond this is part of your manual this is part of the instructions that if I want to talk to you this is not something that you share so it's not that I'm the big bad person who asks this bad question it is that this is information
that you just categorically don't share often that's going to go a whole lot better in that kind of situation now Rachel if they ask you a question that is just totally below the belt it is not something that they should ever come out of their mouth and you need to be a lot more strong with it then channel that nervous energy into absolute seriousness that says that is not an appropriate question that is not an appropriate question here you are labeling what they just asked simple as that that is not an appropriate question cool so
when you hear that most likely they're going to hear that and it's going to channel to them oh I'm so sorry they ought to be apologizing if they're not well I encourage you to find some other other ways to report that kind of behavior cuz that's unacceptable all right Rachel wish you the best thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast if you enjoyed today's episode I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and of course leave a review I read these reviews and they mean a whole lot to me um I I
read them all the time so they they matter a whole lot again my book is out for pre-order and you can find this podcast wherever you like to listen on Audible Spotify Apple any of them so as always you can just try that and follow me
