morgan freeman has been an old man my entire life I really want to be a conspiracy theorist this is what I want to be it's the reason I do comedy histories I'm working so hard I want to get a big enough audience and I could just quit comedy and be a full time conspiracy theories I'm intrigued by their lifestyle I am you ever meet a good conspiracy theorist say hey man Elvis is still alive oh yeah I've seen them at Starbucks making the mixtapes with Tupac's oh that's fantastic man I want to be like you and you go through the whole thing it's conspiracy theorists they got it going on then I want to be a conspiracy theorists the problem is I don't have any theories so it's weird space I live in you know I just got conspiracies in and nothing to back them up you're done I mean it's like I'm suspicious but I have no motivation to find out why that's the space I live in like I don't know how like Tyler Perry gets to keep making movies when all a mistake I only have a theory but I just feel like he's doing something wrong conspiracy I don't trust people with prepaid phones if you got a prepay phone we can't be friends the baseline of my friendship is a line of credit you can't afford a real phone go mobile net 10 Cricket Wireless tomorrow man is you're up to no good with that phone what are you doing why are you trying to live off the grid you're doing something illegal I'm not saying you commit crime if you have a prepaid phone but everybody commits crime has a prepaid phone so everything over you're not gonna meet you I just condemn you all I don't trust you I think Morgan Freeman is part of the Illuminati I do there's no back store Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman just to be here one day you have no clue or Morgan Freeman so Morgan Freeman has been an old man my entire life you ever seen a baby picture Morgan Freeman Oh what is young Morgan Freeman look like young no Google baby Morgan Freeman a picture here from Shawshank Redemption came up it's a 75 year old baby it was like three years old and Drving Miss Daisy he was driving at 3:00 I'm the only one concerned I don't understand why it's just me I called the police on Morgan Freeman yesterday man I did it cuz I had enough as I pause Bruce Almighty I gotta get to the bottom of this I got a big problem what's the emergency search I'm looking for a baby picture Morgan Freeman that's the emergency psych all we are do call me when you find one I am going crazy I'm gonna meet Morgan Freeman one day that's the reason I do comedy just get one-on-one with Morgan am i asking the tough questions you gonna try to throw me off his scent that's what people in Illuminati do hey Courtney I was like that black lives matter rally in Utah no you weren't I didn't see you there you weren't at the show I got some questions for you where's your yearbook picture man I've been trying to figure out what you went to high school I googled yearbook Google cap and gown Morgan High School nothing comes up man where'd you go to school where do you get your hair cut your hair's been the same length my entire life the same silky shade of gray and black like where do you get that where do you get the cream for your face you have to smooth this old black man's skin ever seen in my life the freckles kind of throw me off I don't know why they put that on the costume that is a really weird where'd you get that accent I don't know anybody from Memphis that talks with that that slow talking Twain sounds like some you learned a space-shuttle somewhere where are you from dog and then he's gonna do it Morgan see it's gonna do it he's gonna pull me to the back room and unzip his face to reveal Benjamin Button Brad Pitt is behind that masters I am convinced is why hanji laughing go home tonight Google baby Morgan Freeman nothing's coming up you don't believe me Google Break whole thing that might come up is a YouTube video of me ranting about not finding a baby pigeon it's got like 2,000 views I'm trying to smoke him out one view at a time good to be here I explored your city I did it took me 15 minutes I'm swamped oh yeah when I went out I went to go get something to eat at RPF chains just to make sure they made it the same way and went pfj there was Pet Adoption Day in front of PF Changs you know and by the way Pet Adoption Day is like the worst holiday on the calendar like better Adoption Day is all there's nothing to celebrate you know I mean these animals like on death row why are we having such a good time is that I didn't leaves the house to adopt the dog I'm going to pick up chains I left the house to eat a dog why are you now they always put them out there the last minutes like the clearance racket nor shoes all items must go okay so I'm walking through a dog smiled at me it's beautiful smiling is that I had a full set of teeth that is a beautiful dog and lady comes up hey do you like dogs I was like oh they can hear us uh yeah I like dogs great and she picked up a dog and she dropped a full-grown to a German ship drop the fool girl in my hands you give me a dog I don't know this dog Bisons rabies you don't just hand the dog to me I don't know my gut reaction hitter would uppercut yeah I didn't do it then I saw surveillance cameras on Google that's how they got Ray Rice you live to see another day so me and this free dog are walking into PS change I didn't want this dog she wanted me to pay for the dog that's when I put my foot down took my pan for this dog if you don't pay for him we're gonna put him to sleep I know that's why I'm not paying for I mean not paying for almost dead dog what kind of business transaction is this I wait for you to leave them in I'll fish them out of the trash I'm getting this doll for free that's the way it's gonna work so me and it's free dog walking in the PF chance I got a table for four I wanted to prove a point I sat him right there at the table and make sure they served him drinks this man my dog ordered my lettuce wraps then I opened them up there was some mysterious meeting there's like whoa that could have been you we walk out of the restaurant you're not gonna believe it a black lives matter rally broke out right there I don't even know it was a rally that day I had no clue I was I'm prepared I didn't get an email on my own man I'm not no ready for the rally me and my free dog will walk through at a rally I looked at him those I hate you bite me buy a diss rally back to the Green Mile you go so we're walking through and black lives matter rally is always interested in Utah by the way because they are never any black people they're white people on my behalf I had no idea y'all took up the car protesting on behalf of people that will never be here so nice move I walked in it was like I was celebrity oh my gosh it's that car Malone and the mailman I started signing autographs I'm like mailman 30 Dhulia I didn't want to you know let these native people down you're not I mean not everybody gets to meet their hero I saw a white dude do a backflip I'm like oh my goodness what part of the struggle is that he walked up blacklivesmatter bro hit me with two finger guns black lives matter bro no you almost hypothetically killed me dawg that is the most offended I'm good all day caramel oh and respect me walking through it's interesting I should even been there man I mean oh no I mean I tried to do like this vegan diet thing and it's not because like I'm trying to like be healthy or be it's like you most people don't it's not because I'm better than you like I'm not doing it because you know animal cruelty yeah I could care less yeah I'll kick flip a tire on the way home I'm not doing it because I'm better than you I'm doing it because I have a Netflix account it's basically it anything you do for fun Netflix has a documentary that will ruin your day [Music] I found out on Netflix 50% of black people are lactose-intolerant who knew I called my grandmother I'm like she's gonna be shocked she's been black longer than me brace yourself granny you never believe what I found out on Netflix 50% of black people are lactose intolerant ell me either but that Klondike bar down let us tear in the black community apart I found out on the same documentary that all white people are allergic to gluten I didn't know y'all were struggling like that you know I mean y'all should really get the word out you know gluten is taking white people out one by one droves of dead white people everywhere you should really let somebody know maybe protests raise a fist take a knee during the national anthem I'll have my people contact your people we can get the word out so now I'm in this thing I'm in there I went to the farmers market for the first time so I open an experience going to the farmers market man I've never seen organic people in a natural habitat they don't move fast you know this is it though so walking dead like swagger in that place everybody's just drifting around the place who would pounce on their faces these are hungry people it's people are starving to death and they're just drifting around you know there's no gluten in their diet there's nothing holding them to the pavement so they're just trying to drift back and forth and I'm trying to navigate through the walking dead and trying to figure out no price tags in a farmers market I don't know if you got to guess the price on this merchandise you know I don't I don't know is how I everybody know what the price is was it people carrying an abacus how they know what's going on in this place feel like it's a secret what is this I don't want to ask anybody else shopping what the price was because then I know I'm not a member of Fight Club you know trying to put me in the bridge of my nose you know I didn't want those problems so I'm trying to figure out the price does anybody work here no it's just everybody's stealing there's no money exchanged as a barter system what is up with this place trying to ask him buddy who's working there we don't need mean employees we love everybody do their own thing oh really so I'm scared to death from this place stop for a dime trying to get it so all my friends that they're organic they pressure me and they're like you got to go to the farmers market is where it's at man you hit up that farmers market that's what I was like god I went I couldn't figure out what the price was you got to go with me man I know all the secrets like well first let's look at your refrigerator see what you need because you need you need stuff when you want to be a vegan it's requirements they open up my refrigerator and they judge me to my face hey where'd you get this food from so I got it from the store trick questions I [Music] mean but but but but but how did it come it came in a package I don't know I mean I'm not the revenant and I didn't hunt this food down payment package what prices this food go through it was on sale that's the only process I go through doing this with you you don't even know what this food came from how can eat the food you don't know where it came I don't need to know what food came from now a good time to eat it do you know what it makes swedish fish no but they're fantastic and if I ever find the rep you behind that operation it'll just be high-fives all the way around the road then high-five to me I'm high-fiving noon y'all are killing this sweatshop boys yeah you're doing the Lord's work up in here time to kill miles I said what's up man this place is dope why do I need to know words with food let me come pen pals with the mother of the cow writing long letters oh man I just ate her son let me reach out oh I love what you did with your son this time mussels tasted fantastic yeah the only long walks on the beach you should do that with all of your kids I plan on eating one day why would I do this I'm gonna IMDB the cow food I would he used to do oh he was extra the movie twister oh I knew I recognized that snout from somewhere mmm snow that's right like I like going to McDonald's that's a tough fake fast-food man that's tough sometimes I go to McDonald's I don't even buy anything it's the dopest way to go by the way on a full stomach I walk into McDonald's and sometimes I just look at the menu i watch it from breakfast to lunch a tear comes to my eyes do you need anything sir no just y'all back you brought back the McRib I know y'all gonna do that I follow y'all on Twitter y'all didn't send that one out just kind of caught me off guard the sandwich has no bones there's really no bones made by Jesus that's all that's it's incredible so now they put the calorie count in the McDonald's menu supposed to make you feel bad about eating McDonald's I can't believe I've been eating all these calories personally I like they put the calorie counting the McDonald's menu cuz now I know when I'm getting bang for my buck yummy i order whatever has the most calories in it that's the way I worked me those are only got two dollars all let me get the two double cheeseburger it's got the most cows it yeah yes a trick I learned in jail watch it boy oh you get the two double cheeseburgers do you want a fish sandwich I'm gonna get that fish Harrah's out of it whose order and seafood and McDonald's piglet this it's not even real fish so fish substance patty that they make with tools and paper mache that fish sandwich out here ordered seafood at McDonald's ooh girls at McDonald's with seafood come on yeah I've been sitting at homes with hot girls for fish whoo-hoo McDonald's got fish sounds on the dollar menu so there's a fish oh it's not even a real fish you have a look behind the McDonald's counter you ever see orange just back there filleting fish scaling fish where's the fish coming from huh glitter tools paper mache telling you McDonald's doesn't hire fishermen I've never seen that sign in the window want it now inquire it in looking for a cashier and a fly fisherman holding tryouts on Monday bring your own Pole no they don't need fishermen because they make the fish in Japan in between sweatshops just at the Nike factory and they email the fish here enjoy the fish just don't die because if you die they'll blame it on the fish how do you die he died Neath the heap of filet-o-fish man should have got at the farmers market like me man either they're still here but you know gluten took them out what it is thank you guys so much for coming out people take things too seriously I'm figuring that out figure it out people take the kids too seriously like I have a child I don't take you serious not like you know I mean it's serious but not serious enough for me to tell like people that don't care I don't take it that serious like I'm not Instagram serious you don't mean it's not that big deal it's not the dopest thing I've ever done you know child's some people have to let you know they have children that's just the way it is and my god you ever drop to a neighborhood and it's like you know kids head drive slow okay I guess what's the sliding scale on safety I didn't know that was so if his kids drive slow let's have an adult do I get to speed up you know what if it's the old man there I get to hit them on purpose what's the sliding scale that you want me to buy buy for your children my favorite sign is drive like your kids live here well my kids know how to dodge a car you're gonna need a better reason for me to slow down let's just hey drive like the police is behind you I'll slow down for that hands on the dashboard I'll be ready kids he will take the kids too seriously I remember there was a story in Ohio I'll never forget it was like there was a like it's like a lesbian couple in Ohio they sued because they they adopted a baby well it wasn't a baby at time but they had they went to a sperm bank and it got the baby and they sue the sperm bank because the they gave a mistake and gave them a black baby honest mistake everybody online lost their mind oh my they don't want a black baby I see what's going on oh good for black baby boy oh boy I don't make these lesbians the way they used to and it's a lot about what color that baby is the Courtney what do you think about them not one two black baby Wow snow but they ordered right it's not they ordered you know it's gotta respect their return policy it's the least you could do pretty sure they got a receipt right they don't just hand out babies willy-nilly there's a business transaction it's probably like a vending machine of like a baby bag that maybe it's like a duly decimal system it probably just got misfiled let them take the baby back it's not that big of a deal you act like you would take any baby home it sounds good but it's not practical like it's my wife had a Samoan baby I'm not taking that baby home look down don't look like what I ordered I'm bouncing Senor Mari Povich doing the hammer dance because it's not my baby boy now moonwalk off stage No LEM take the baby back and you know what they waited two years to sue twenty years they wait to sue that means for two years they've been feeding that kid hoping he changed colors that's a lot of faith I have a child he has to change colors within the first 15 minutes that's just the way I roll what's wrong mr. Williams relax Doris I've been here before and I sit there it's a horrible situation it's best to raise a kid imagine raising a kid that you didn't order it's horrible it's not like that in other countries though it's cheap to raise kids in other countries I seen it on TV it's only 13 ounce in a day you get a full-grown baby for 39 cent if you up at the right hour you know means they play those commercials late at night it's an impulse buy you know you just you want to buy something you don't care what it is you know you just want a good sale it's like I've missed on that beanie baby collection I'm not missing old 39 cent that's a good sale on the baby that's a good sale I bought three babies last night I mean either baby I was in the hotel let me spin this little money I'd bought me a couple babies and and when I get to the crib those pictures are going on the refrigerator for everyone to see my children and once those kids gets it no those are York don't let anybody question your paternity just own it whose kids are those are my kids live in Guam somewhere I don't ever get to see them they send me local pitches there's like some fun facts on the back you know what they like to do actually I'm never gonna see him you know they just say I got a couple more in the shoe box in the back but this is their month so I just let him on the refrigerator so that's just the way it is I am the father of King share one mic people date their kids too seriously my wife actually had a baby I say my wife had a baby because that's what happened I love to lie to you and say I had a baby but it's not true any dude that says I had a baby he's out of his mind stop taking so much credit she had a baby I thought I was having a baby because his doctor was like hey mr. Williams are you ready to have a baby no I don't think you know how this works I know it's 2018 but I ain't gonna bear to pull this one off they say Hollywood no you can have a baby no no I don't think so I was in the room she had the baby I was eating jello this ad works I filled up on jello man I've never ate so much jello in my life it was free it was free jello and I looked at my wife up say hey baby I'm about to eat $15,000 worth of jell-o we getting our money's worth one way or other bring on the jello it's only for the patient sir if you don't bring that jello you're gonna be the patient bring on the jello as long as you see me breathing you just keep bringing jello when I gasped for breath that's your cue bring more jello in the room it was like I was at a Brazilian meat restaurant I didn't put my green sign down until my green sign goes down you just keep bringing jell-o that's the way we're gonna work this operation it was killing it thought I was having a baby that's the way I went into the whole process I went to birthing classes to figure out how to have a baby birthing classes I signed up I'm the first one in the room I walk into birthing class say hey mr.
Williams I guess I am here here where's your wife she's parking a car uh she don't move as fast you used to you know I mean it's kind of wobbly I'm gonna have this baby by myself she's not taking this baby seriously I'm a single father already mrs. Harmon I wanted to have a baby watch the c-section DVD at my house just to figure it out they mailed it to my house I did it I wonder level baby I put it in my house my screen my TV big screen popcorn sno-caps hell no stop wanted to have a baby I've watched deleted scenes they call it the Tarantino cut I watched that too I wanted to have a baby I went to went to all the the female appointments with her I thought I was in there the doctor said mr. Williams are you ready yes I'm ready I'm ready to have a baby she went into labor I'll never forget it's the craziest time in my life she looked at me just like hey I'm having pain perfect it's good we're both in pain yeah we're having the pain together yeah yeah yeah we're both in pain you think this is the way I want to spend my Saturday absolutely not so I got a fantasy football draft I am auto-draft and as we speak I'm ready to have a baby get to the hospital we walk in walk into the hospital and like yes yes yeah yeah we're here she was like oh where's your wife she's parking the car oh come on man she's not moving as fast you used to um let me just get two wristbands I got two wristbands I snapped her up when she came in snapped me up when I came in we sat out in the delivery room ready to have a baby now I'm only reference for having the child it was movies and a movie to have like three babies in like 90 minutes you know they can really crank him out you know like you know in real life it's an all-day do you got a pack a bag you know what I mean I wasn't ready so we're sitting there she's in labor she's in pain I'm like hey we're both in pain this is taking longer than I thought my back is killing me can I get one of those pillows this is stressing me out man a lot of pain going all around the room has the baby baby comes out big moment doctor looks at me mr.
