THIS Is How To Get An Avoidant Ex Back

today I'm going to show you my approach to getting an avoidant X back now it goes without saying that over the past year I've become somewhat of an expert on this topic not only have I written over 50 articles over this past year on avoidant x's and I would really say after researching hundreds of individuals for these articles and videos that the most common pairing that we see match up in our program is anxious client and avoidant X before we get started on understanding what it takes to make an avoidant X want to come back

we need to First understand the groundwork which is what are attachment Styles attachment Styles has a lot to do with your childhood how you were raised by your parents can impact and affect your life in the later years what we care about for the purposes of this video is understanding how attachment Styles affect personal relationships and it really wasn't until I did an interview with Coach Tyler last year that a new idea came to me to instead of looking at the very complicated definitions of the core attaching Styles simply look at attachment Styles in terms

of core wounds so there are four main attachment cells you have secure attachment style avoidant attachment style anxious attachment style and fearful attachment style but within those four attachment Styles you can kind of categorize them into two categories you have the secure type of attachment Styles and the insecure type of attachment Styles and with those insecure attachment Styles anxious avoidant and fearful each has a specific core wound that creates their makeup and often can explain most of their behavior for why they're acting the way they're acting so for example someone with an anxious attachment style

has a deep fear of being abandoned while on the other hand someone with the avoidant attachment style has a deep fear of losing their independence so what happens when these two opposing attachment Styles get into a relationship together is just sort of a disaster and I think it perfectly highlights the point that that we really need to make here it's not just learning to deal with your exes avoidant attachment style that you need to deal with it's also learning to deal with your own shortcomings from an attachment style perspective so let's kind of create a

timeline on what a relationship will look like from an avoidant perspective so I'm really well known for doing this really fun exercise where I basically chart an avoidance relationship from the beginning to the end and I call this my avoidant death wheel there are eight stages to it I want to show you the stage that usually an X will come back in and that's this stage right here stage eight stage is really seven and eight are where that began you know the I'm starting to feel kind of lonely or why can't I ever find the

right person why is this always happening to me that's usually the act of desperation that causes them to start seeking solace in an X so the big mistake I see most people making when they're dealing with avoidant x's is they're trying to get their exes back too soon you need to give your ex space in time so that they can get to this stage before you even attempt to try to get them back this is why the importance of the no contact rule is such a vital strategy to employ and believe it or not this

is actually backed up by real research from researchers in fact one of my favorite resources free to attach has actually stated avoidance are free to long for an X once that person is unavailable out of a relationship and typically out of context so they are Untouched by the actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren't triggered but a few sentences later they hit us with this quote Liberation from the fear of engulfment finally gives free reign to an avoidance latent Romanticism and in my opinion that's the most important thing so they actually love remembering the past

and looking at the good times and forgetting the old times they love that reverie the only time that they get that reverie is when they feel unthreatened when they feel like you've moved on to someone else or they've moved on to someone else or enough time has gone by where they don't have to worry about you coming back or a reconnection happening avoidant X's are among the most difficult to get back because they require the one thing that most of our clients kind of lack and that's patience you have to be extremely patient and if

you aren't prepared to be patient well then you're in kind of for a rude awakening but now that all the prep work is done you understand when you should be trying to get the avoidant back you understand what an avoidant X looks like let's actually talk about the strategy so what you see up on the screen right now is what I call the value ladder it's the basic strategy that I give to anyone who's trying to get an ex back but this is a general X you know there are certain things that you have to

do to tweak this strategy if you're dealing with a hyper avoidant X and so I thought it would be really productive to take a look at the value ladder and tweak it for avoidance let's first start with the no contact rule so the first thing I think is important to talk about what the no contact rule is we need to stop looking at it as a missing strategy oftentimes you're looking at the no contact rule and immediately thinking wow this is a great strategy that can make my ex jealous or worried about what I'm up

to and then they'll reach out to me and try to rekindle things yes that can technically happen sometimes but that's actually not the norm a recent poll I did proved that most X's will actually not reach out to you during the no contact rule and this totally tracks with what we know about avoidance avoidance would not be the ones reaching out to you at all during a no contact rule instead I think the smartest thing you can do during the no contact rule is to take some time away from your ex and start focusing on

yourself what you're trying to do is shift your anxious attachment style assuming you have an anxious attachment style to a more secure one because this has the added benefit of really what this entire video is about and that's achieving secure attachment gravity so what is secure attachment gravity well think of it like this every relationship we get into is kind of like a weird science experiment from an attachment perspective a battle will always be going on since we learn our attachments from relationships with other people they can also have a profound impact on our attachment

style so here's what often happens let's imagine that you're gonna date me you should be so lucky but I am an extreme avoidant I don't like to talk about my feelings I don't like to do the lovey-dovey stuff really value my Independence now you on the other hand are a secure attachment style so what's gonna happen when the two of us get together well my avoidant attachment style is going to pair up with your secure attachment style and there's gonna be a battle that goes on and whoever wins this battle will ultimately begin to have

an impact on the other person's attachment style let's do this in a positive way you're secure I'm avoidant after dating for a while and after you give me space I get to learn and see what being secure is all about and my avoid an attachment style slowly begins to open up I begin to get a little bit more committed but the opposing can also be true sometimes if you were previously an anxious attachment style and moved yourself to a more secure attachment style if you enter into a relationship with me and avoid it I can

actually make your anxious Tendencies come back out because the avoidant will trigger the anxious Tendencies and your secure attachment style can begin to shift towards more anxious attachment style so the best piece of advice I can give you about becoming more secure and having a secure attachment style really has to do with your purpose in life becoming more confident comfortable with yourself where you don't really care about what other people think the only thing that's ever I think worked for me personally in my life just real talk here is having a purpose outside of a

relationship that I'm dedicating in my life something that I'm passionate about something that is profound for me something that will make a difference in the world in a positive way and dedicating my life to that that makes me comfortable that gives me confidence that makes me feel like I'm doing what I should be doing most people don't have that most people are stuck in a dead-end job that they hate most people are too afraid to stand up for themselves most people are not comfortable with themselves and that's where I think we need to start so

the time with the no contact rule should really be used not even caring about your ex but more focusing on yourself but that's just the no contact rule there's also the rest of the entire value ladder that we have to consider here you guys see people making is they want to rush to the top of the ladder they want to get their ex back as soon as possible so they Rush the process they don't allow it to unfold now you can see why this can actually trigger an avoidant and avoid it who wants to go

slow who's deathly afraid of a commitment and you're sitting there and rushing a commitment so the big thing I would say if you're dealing with a really strong avoidant is take your time and the rule of thumb that you need to live by is when they pull back you pull back this is more of a gut based thing but you will definitely know when we all been there where we've really liked someone we're talking to them things seem to be going well and then all of a sudden they just sort of fall off the edge

of the map well what most of our clients do because especially they've dated this person so they feel like they're they should be granted special rights to talk to this person they began to press they began to fix they began to try to figure out what the heck's going on and it goes against an anxious person's programming to stop from doing that but that's actually what works and this wasn't actually my idea rather it was Heather's one of our success stories I interviewed her and she was adamant about this concept working on her fearful avoidant

ex to quote her exactly I started to do the real texting phase so to speak the way that it's meant to be done and doing the push and pull and I was able to do it properly this time all right so push and pull what does that mean well that's essentially what we're talking about here just phrased in her own words when they pull back you pull back and the reason I think this works is because as it gives your avoidant X an opportunity to romanticize time with you romanticize that interaction together as opposed to

going so fast that their core wound gets triggered like I said getting an avoidant X back isn't the most difficult task in the world but it can just be the most disciplined task in the world