Dele: "Now is the Time to Talk"

what was the point where you started to feel that it wasn't right like one morning I woke up I had to go training this is when he'd stop playing me I remember just looking in the mirror I mean it sounds dramatic but I was literally staring in the mirror and I was asking if I could retire now at 24 you know doing the thing I love for me that was heartbreaking it's always been me against myself and everything I was winning the fight smiling showing I was happy but inside I was definitely you know losing

the battle trauma is trauma and your body registers in the same way no matter what it is if you know about my life you would understand that a little bit more I want to help other people to know that they're not alone in the feelings they've got and doesn't make you weak to get help today we're going to interview dele Alli I work with Delhi whilst I was with England as a coach I absolutely loved him when he was with England he's playing under Mexico Spurs just in that number 10 role wasn't it running forward

always jogging Harry Kane [Music] I just thought it was the real deal you know it was almost like a modern day Brian Robson modern day Roy Keane in terms of a box-to-box Midfield player but it has no doubt changed since 2018-19 in the last few years delhi's you know obviously from a football perspective got nowhere near the levels that he was playing at back in that sort of mid-2015-16 season so you know we want to know why that is um you know I'm concerned about him because when I see someone drop off like he has

from the ability that he has then you always think what's going on in in the lad's life it's been a blip and I have to say there's a fascination with him still I think people want to ask that question what's happened Ellie are you okay Delhi and his team have reached out in this last few days to say that it is the right time now to speak and we're obviously delighted to bring him in today to talk about it it'll be very different type of overlap obviously everybody's asked that question in the last 12 to

18 months what's happened with Delhi and today we're going to find out Delhi welcome to the overlap obviously I'll work with you in 2015-16 with England and obviously seeing what's happened in the last 12 to 18 months the way in which the football's gone you know first question is are you okay uh yeah I think it's a question I've definitely been asked a lot um but I think this is probably the first time in a long time that I can say yeah like and mean it I think I'm probably mentally I'm probably in the best

place I've ever been uh and yeah I feel good obviously injured at the minute but football and I've got that passion back for football I mean yes I'm I'm doing really well just tell us what's been happening with you in the last sort of six to 12 months you say you're feeling good now but obviously it means that you weren't feeling well at a certain point yeah I think it's now's probably the right time for me to to tell people what's been going on it's tough to talk about it because it's quite recent um and

it's something I've kind of hid for a long time uh uh and I'm scared I'm scared to talk about it but I think it's the right thing to do so when I come back from Turkey I came in and I found out I needed an operation and I was in a I was in a bad place um mentally and yeah I decided to go to like a a modern day rehab facility for mental health uh they deal with like addiction mental health and Trauma so something uh I felt like it was time for me I

think with things like that you can't be told to go there I think you have to know and you have to make the decision yourself else it's not going to work and yeah I was just to be honest I was caught in a in a bad cycle um you know I was relying on things that were doing me harm and yeah I think I was waking up every day and I was winning the fight you know going into training and smiling showing that I was happy but inside I was definitely you know losing the battle

and it was time for me to to change it because when I got injured and he told me I needed surgery I could feel the the feelings I had when the cycle begins and I didn't want it to happen anymore so I went there I went there for six weeks um and you know Everton were amazing about it you know they supported me 100 and I'll be grateful for them forever I think whatever happens in the future I think for them to be so open and honest and understanding I think I couldn't have asked for

anything more in that time when you know I was probably making the biggest decision of My Life um something because scared to do I think that I'm happy I've done it and to be honest I couldn't have expected it to go the way it did I think before you know you hear about it has this whole stigma around it and it's something people don't want to do you know going into rehab is definitely sounds scary but yeah I could never have imagined how much I'd get from it and how much it would help me mentally

um because I was in a bad place I think you know a lot happened when I was younger that I could never understand I could never figure out when I was doing stupid things that I blame myself for but really going there and learning about it it was never really in my control understanding it and learning and it's helped me a lot with other things you know to do with my family like my blood family uh I'll let go of some some things and some bad feelings I was holding and that would slow me down

and hold me back so yeah it was uh that's where I've been I'm laughing I learned that this is my defense as well laughing and smiling so just on timeline how recent was this that you went into rehab so I got out three weeks ago I think three weeks ago yeah and if I'm being honest I probably wouldn't have wanted to talk about it this soon I think maybe give it a little bit more time but I am feeling in a really good place and I feel strong enough to do this I think it's important

maybe could have done with a little bit more time in terms of when I was talking about it but unfortunately the way the world is now you know the tabloids that they got they found out and they was calling my team a lot and they were telling you know that they knew I was and stuff and the decision that I may be made in the past when I didn't really care about what people thought and I didn't care about being understood I would have just let them write what they wanted to write and you know

put their own story on which they do a lot of the time but it's not the reality and also you know I want to help other people to know that they're not alone in the feelings they've got and that you can talk to people it doesn't make you weak to get help to be vulnerable with uh there's a lot of strength in that so to come out and to share my story I'm I'm happy to do it you talked obviously about trauma but you also talked about doing things that weren't helping you can you be

more specific about what it actually is that he was doing that was obviously causing you a problem so it started I had uh I mean it's been going on for a long time I think without me realizing it the things I was doing to numb the feelings I had I mean I didn't realize I was doing it for that purpose um whether it be drinking or whatever I think they're the things a lot of people do but if you abuse it and use it in the wrong way and you're not actually doing it for the

pleasure you're doing it to try and Chase something or hide from something it can obviously damage you a lot so it started with that um and then I was I got addicted to sleeping tablets and it's uh probably a problem that you know not only I have I think it's something that's going around more than people realize in the game in football yeah I think is you know something that maybe hopefully me coming out and speaking about it can help people because don't get me wrong they work I think you know with our schedule you

have a game you have to be up early in the morning to train you got all the adrenaline and stuff so sometimes you know to take a sleeping tablet to sleep and be ready for the next day is fine but when your dopamine system and you're as broken as I am um it can obviously have the reverse effect because it does work for the problems you want to deal with and that's that is the problem it works until it doesn't so yeah I've definitely abused them too much and I mean don't be wrong I would

stop I would stop sometimes and you know go a few months without them but I was never really dealing with the problem you know I got really bad at some point and I didn't understand how bad it was um but I was never dealing with the root of the problem which was when I was growing up the you know the traumas I had the feelings I was holding on to and I tried to deal with it all by myself I didn't want to tell anyone um I mean there was a number of times my adopted

family my brother um you know makes me sad um they would take me to to Rooms cry and ask me to just speak to them tell them what I'm thinking how I'm feeling and I just couldn't do it um because I wanted to deal with it by myself I didn't feel like opening up to anyone I had a lot of people try to help me because they could see in me I wasn't who I was I lost myself for a few years and you know I was a just turning everyone away not accepting any help

from anyone I mean when I have the family that saved my life crying and asking me to tell them what's wrong and I just didn't want to do it I didn't were they aware that you were on the snow so they I think it they'd heard a few times about them but I would swear on everything that had never taken them or that I weren't taking them which is a part of the problem you know I didn't want help I'll tell myself I wasn't an addict I wasn't addicted to them but I definitely was I

realized that going away and talking about it and understanding it more yeah I didn't need help and it got to the time where I couldn't do it by myself anymore and I think that's the the thing people need to understand that it is okay I mean we're definitely stronger as humans we're stronger together we're not we don't have to do everything alone I mean the stuff you do deal with by yourself but if it's having a negative impact on you and you feel like it's okay it's time you can't do it by yourself anymore it

doesn't make you weak honestly because I mean obviously when I was a player sleeping pills are not unusual in football you know you'd be offer one night before a game always because obviously a player might not sleep because of just you know the build up and the adrenaline and also sometimes after a game when you say it's more widespread in the game are you talking about players taking them every night are you talking about players potentially multiple tablets at once are you talking about more than one tablet what levels were you at with them it's

quite scary isn't it when you think no it is scary like now I'm out of it and I look back on it like before I went on stop I'd still kind of sometimes have the urge but I you know maintain sober for a period of time and then there would always be a time when something would happen I'd get the feelings back and I'd want to escape because drugs alcohol all this stuff they work for the time so yeah I was taking them I was taking a lot I mean I don't want to talk about

numbers but it was definitely way too much uh and there was some scary moments I had the team's given to you for a reason to sleep and they do do that I wasn't taking them to sleep I'll take them throughout the day to just it's taken during the day during the day from sometimes from 11 A.M for the day off I would never take them if I'm playing but I'd start early if I had the day off and just to escape from the reality they're obviously a prescription drug and you have to get them from

somewhere and I I don't want to put you in a difficult position but there will be a concern and an intuitive care basis that you've been getting these pills and access to these pills from obviously the game if you like can you just talk to me about that a little bit because I think it is something that people will ask it started with a doctor a doctor was giving them to me to sleep and then it turns into more than that I think when you want something you'll find a way um to you getting them

outside of the game and at that point yeah but you were at the start getting them in the game yeah in acceptable quantities would you say or at the start yeah yeah for sure like it was one to sleep that was what it was yeah and and for most people that's fine you can handle that that's all you need but for me it was fixing something else that I didn't know I could fix and you hold on to that people think football's you know is don't get me wrong I love football it saved my life

I owe everything to football but it's not just as easy as everyone thinks it's not this high life like you have okay yeah you have money you have you can do a lot of things that you wouldn't be able to do about it but mentally I don't think people will ever understand until you're in it what it can do to you you know rejection just being told you're not good enough fighting every day even something like losing a game it can affect you mentally and you have to be ready you have to be smiling the

next day and when you're not it's a problem so when did you start to get these feelings how long ago was it obviously you've been in rehabbing you know only a few weeks ago but when did it start to feel because obviously you know I'm thinking going back to 2015-16 and then watching you in the World Cup in 18 one of the greatest young English talents that I've seen in a long time what was the point where you started to feel that it wasn't right it's hard to pinpoint one exact moment I mean there was

probably the saddest moment for me was when Mourinho was manager I think I was 24. and I remember there was one session like one morning I woke up I had to go training this is when he'd stop playing me and I was in a bad place and I remember just looking in the mirror I mean it sounds dramatic but I was literally staring in the mirror and I was asking if I could retire now at 24 you know doing the thing I love for me that was heartbreaking to even have had that for a 24

to want to retire that hurt me a lot that was another thing that I had to carry I mean that's quite a long time ago isn't it it's like three four years ago and you've been carrying this obviously talked about the sleeping pills but were you also drinking quite heavily as well in that period I mean that period yeah I was partying a lot I was having a lot of parties just I mean this because it's been suggested that you're going off the rails basically you know that you've seen the Tabloid headlines haven't you in

that period yeah that you were going out partying and obviously other things the reality of what they say is not the reality I think they was calling me a party boy and all this before you know I was doing any of this um so I think people's perception of me was a lot different to the reality of what I was living and then it got to a point where that happened and I was in a bad place a lot of things have built up I think you know we all have emotions and we think the

best thing to do sometimes is to just stuff them down and hide them and lock them away but over time they just build up and it gets to a point where we're human and it breaks and it all comes out and I turned to all the wrong things like I don't blame Mourinho I don't blame anyone you know my reaction to that wasn't right but it wasn't something I had control over it was my reality of when I was younger the traumas I had things I'd dealt with throughout my life and it all just came

out and I'm grateful that it happened at that time because it could have been a time when I didn't feel and I couldn't find a purpose for myself I couldn't remember the why I'd done it why I'm here why I'm doing this so with football and not just football just being young wanting to live the life that I want to live after this and when it's done and when football's done that gave me something extra to hold on to and another reason why I need to stop so I don't I want to make it clear

that I don't blame anyone for the way I feel it's always been me against myself and everything I think I've always been my own hero and my own my own biggest enemy so let's get into a time when I need to be more vulnerable let people understand me because a lot of problems have come from me not opening up not allowing people to come in but that was how I felt safe I think if you knew about my life you would understand that a little bit more I think I found that if you let people

in this the it's the way they can hurt you the most so I definitely hid from it I didn't allow anyone to do that and it didn't work I think we all hold on to not wanting to change because it's who we are we'll lose our identity but if you you are to work and then that's great but it gets to the point sometimes where it's not working anymore and you need to change things and that was the point I was at this is another thing I'm scared of about talking like I don't want people

to feel like I want people to feel sorry for me trauma is trauma and your body registers it in the same way no matter what it is I don't care what they're right they can write what they want to do as long as if I help one person then that's that's and that's all I need from this he just said before people didn't didn't know what's going on in my life and you're right I was a culture of yours and I don't know about sort of your childhood what we do know is obviously that you

change the name on the back of your shirt which at the time told us that there was potential issue obviously with your biological parents but can you just tell us about your childhood uh something I haven't really spoke about that much to be honest I mean I think there was a few incidents that can give you a kind of a brief understanding so at six I was molested by my mom's friend who was at the house a lot so my mum was an alcoholic uh and then sorry hey don't be sorry yeah so that happened

at six and then I was sent to Africa to learn discipline and then I was sent back seven I started smoking hey I started dealing drugs selling drugs selling drugs yeah an older person told me that they wouldn't stop a kid on a bike so I'd ride around with my football and then underneath I'd have the drugs and uh yeah and so that was a 11 I was hung off a bridge by who a guy from the next estate a man and then you know 12 hours adopted so and from then it was like I

was adopted by an amazing family like I said I couldn't have asked for better people to to do what they've done for me is I mean I don't if God created people it was them you know they were amazing um and they've helped me a lot and that was another thing you know when I started Living with them it was hard for me to really open up to them because it was easy I felt Within Myself you know it was easy for them to get rid of me again uh so yeah I tried to be

the best kid I could be for them um yeah I stayed with him from 12 and then started playing first team professionally at 16. and then it all sort of took off from there so yeah that's a kind of a so you've had really only for three or four years in your life of probably stability that probably period between 12 and 15 16 before it sort of went like that again yeah um I'd say so I mean this is another thing I'm scared of about talking like I don't want people to feel like I want

people to feel sorry for me because that's something I can't I don't find easy to accept just Within Myself so tell the people won't say that with what you just told us yeah you know I think the fact that you're opening up in the fact that you're now speaking about it I think people will recognize that this has been something that's been stored inside you caged for 15 20 years you said you've been taken to Africa to learn discipline what does that mean because my mum because I won't I say I weren't a good kid

they taught me in rehab I'm not allowed to say that but um okay I got in trouble a lot you know with the police and I had no rules um I grew up without any rules like I said my mum was she drunk a lot and I don't blame her at all for what happened I think going to this place really helped me understand her and the things she was going through and what she had to deal with and it was all she knew she went and you got into rehab now helps me understand myself

understand your mum's situation because it was all she knew she like even when she let me go and I got adopted she knew and I knew that it was what was needed to to even have a chance of living the life I wanted to live and being successful and because it was only going one way if I stayed there my dad lived my blood dad lived in Africa and then I got sent to him I was meant to stay there for a year how was that horrible I didn't want to be there at all I

think nothing against you know where I was um but just going from what I was living in uh because we had no money uh my mom had no money there was always like 10 guys like just around like just what in your house just in the house yeah like it was definitely like the drugs but yeah so there was that and then it was just a big culture change and I didn't want to be there so I be a little bit more naughty and then after six months I got sent back bye dad she still

speaks your dad now no so there was a time he tried so he went missing for a while and then I mean he's probably gonna come out now and say some some but uh yeah so he went missing and then when I started playing for England he he came back and then I used to speak to my mom as well just to try and help her yeah no so when I was 18 around 18 I think they went to the newspaper and like started accusing the family that adopted me of doing all this stuff when

they didn't know what they had like they were the ones that used to make me go and see my mom I never wanted to go they would always tell me she's your mom like you should have a relationship with her and I think that spoke volumes like what they were were doing they were just doing it generally because they're amazing people so yeah and then my mom and my blood mum and dad went to the Press saying that these people are taking advantage of me they want they want to go through my contracts and I

hadn't spoke to him for years and I knew that wasn't my mom's decision because I know she didn't really leave Milton Keynes like there was no way she'd done that um so yeah after that I just felt so betrayed and let down and hurt that I just couldn't keep the relationship with my mum um and my dad I don't want a relationship with him even so what did the rehab tell you about the impact of obviously the trauma that was coming from your childhood uh it was amazing what they did with some things you know

they would really piece things together because there's a lot of things that I would question myself about because it went against my values and who I am as a person or what I want to do and I'd question why I made them decisions but they could link a lot of things like for example uh so I used to have like House pies I didn't care who was in the house whilst you're playing football we're also playing football so I'd have House parties and that was very much how my mom's house was without me knowing it

was my comfort zone it was normal to me so just little things like that where did you go for the rehab it was in America so you spent five six weeks in America six weeks in America yeah and I met some amazing people there I think from all different walks of life different professions to be able to do that and it doesn't matter where you've come from what your trauma is I think trauma is trauma and your body registers in the same way no matter what it is even if you think you're fine you've got

nothing to worry about going and speaking to someone and opening up will help you realize that okay this could have if it's not causing a problem now it could have down the line is that the big thing that you think you picked up whilst you're over there that you you're not alone and that you can obviously share your vulnerabilities with others 100 I think we all think we're so unique that no one else has the same problems as us but speak to a few people in that place and you'll realize that you have a lot

more in common than you'd probably think you know go in there and speak into them and listening to them and working together it was one of the best teams I've been a part of and I can't thank them people enough let alone therapists and stuff there just the people that were there in terms of where you're at currently now obviously you're injured and you you're obviously gonna go back into it and is the whole as part of this process for you to obviously think that you know you can sort of share with your story and

that it can help others potentially going through it I mean whether it be a football player or other people in life yeah I think what I went through you know helped me really understand my purpose like when I'm just going through everything breaking it down and finding out why I'm here what I'm what I want in life you know I know what I can do on the pitch I mean I think I've showed people what I can do on the pitch and now I've got a feeling back like before I went to Tottenham when I

had a lot to prove and I wanted to fight and I felt so much love and passion about football I have that back which for me is something I've missed for probably longer than I wanted to but with the other side of it I wanna inspire people not only on the pitch off the pitch in a way that I think is probably isn't spoken about enough from experience when you've been at your best in your life you've had stability I think in your sort of mentors whether it be your adopted family that you moved in

with when you were 11 obviously you then gave you a really stable sort of teenage period and then obviously when you're at Spurs and you admit the opotino as well you're absolutely sensational is that one of the factors with you daily that you need that sort of strong leadership around you in that sort of strong mentorship and when you don't quite get that when it's a little bit more unstable do you feel as though that's had an impact on you it definitely impacted me I think Potch was I couldn't have asked for a better manager

at the time I was in him and his team you know not just him those Jesus and yeah Miguel and Tony they were they are amazing people and they're so understanding and it wasn't like a footballer and a manager relationship it was deeper than that I felt and that was what I mean just give me some specific examples of how he was with you Maurizio he was just so understanding of the decisions I was making and he was guided like he cared about me as a person before the football which is what I needed at

that time and I think that's important for young players I think when you go somewhere it can be quite scary I think and I was never I never had that fear of you know trying to prove myself in that sense because I felt like he was given me the platform to express myself the best I could and be comfortable I mean players always used to say I want to like that I was Fearless I won't Fearless I was just Brave I think there's a difference there's a big difference because I was scared of things but

I think being brave you feel the fear still but you still do it and I think that's something that he allowed me to do so yeah I think he helped a lot in that period of my of my career which is why it was tough for me when he left because you know then you come into new managers and it was hard for me to to let anyone in at that point and to be open and I felt like everything was just so fake when people when managers would speak to me I just felt like

the conversations weren't real because there'd always be something what do you mean by that fake it's hard to explain it's something like it was more it was probably more me in my in my own head and my own ego you know I weren't open to to let anyone in and I didn't feel like any of them wanted to really know me in a personal level which was then tough for me to fully commit and give my everything for them which obviously had a negative impact on me in the long run there's an editorial in the

documentary around you which obviously you'll be aware of where words like lazy were used by Jose Mourinho and then obviously there was the sort of one-on-one that he had with you which was one of the sort of Most Fascinating parts of that documentary where he talked about Reaching Your Potential and that you've you know don't just delivering moments how did you feel about that sort of if you like exposure and the type of exposure because I mean the idea of being called lazy I worked with you obviously with England that wood wasn't in existence around

you at all at that period I mean you were box to box full of energy get up and go attacking every single situation that you were in you'd get stuck in and my view of yours you'd come up for a really good upbringing in respect of lower league football that you'd toughened you up and you had as nails so the idea then that you were described as being lazy a few years later just at the time shocked me a little bit do you feel as though that was unhelpful and was that potentially the start of

this journey that you've gone on I'm glad you asked me about that um so that lazy comment people love to bring that up that interviewed obviously I was on Amazon he called me lazy that was the day after recovery day a week later he apologized to me for calling me lazy because he'd seen me actually train and play but that wasn't in the documentary and no one spoke up about that because for calling you lazy in the team meeting that not in in the do you mean he called me lazy but then one-on-one I think

it was on the pitch foreign and I didn't think anything got me at the time because I know myself I'm not lazy the impact of the word lazy hanging on use a football player is a bad one yeah it is and that's so that has stuck because of that documentary but it's interesting that it wasn't in that he'd apologize for a week later that's what I mean people can what you see sometimes isn't the way it really is I think especially now with social media and all these things we can really portray something that isn't

real after that I think people definitely try to use that for some other decision and change the perception of you I think externally I'm sure yeah for sure and I think other coaches Maybe for other reasons why I won't play and they stuck to that lazy one yeah because it was kind of an easy easy one to use and the problem is probably more than that I think who are the senior players that look you felt looked after you at Tottenham when you were there and so how does that mean you're not a young player

now but you're certainly not a senior player you're only 27. yeah um I think that's one of the places where you can be sort of if you like guided back on track did players come up to you at certain points and say look there like come on you need to get some help or Delhi you know he shouldn't be doing that did any player try and sort of help you the particularly the scenic ones in the dressing room it's hard to say senior ones because we're like we're quite a youngish team but there's like people

who have a lot of respect for and we're very good friends I don't think any of them really knew what I was doing so I'd hide it from them I wouldn't be honest with them like the likes of Eric Dyer I think he's a great friend and you realize who is your real friends yeah who really you know people that don't just say yes you are they mean a lot to you and they all always hold a special place in my heart so like people like Eric Harry Sonny Ben there's a lot of players that

didn't approve of what I was doing if they knew about it they weren't afraid to tell me they would tell you would they yeah they'll tell me especially Harry and Eric come to a brutally honest how would that go the conversation what they pull you to one side or they would do it in front of the rest of the players uh nah it was never like in front of people or just be like what you're doing like was that when you like to say you've been the newspaper for a story or something then or they'd

heard you've been out or yeah or like they could just sometimes you could see it on my face I think it's hard to hide sometimes and they definitely weren't pleased but I didn't care I couldn't accept any help or anything from anyone you just ignoring every little bit I was so numb to everything when people like I said I had my adopted family crying in a room like really crying to like telling me like how much they care about me to forget about the football side of it like as a person and I was so

numb I just didn't care which is yeah something come I'm sad about but I'm proud that you know I'm I'm through it now you're very skeptical of the media aren't you the main thing for me is I want to improve myself right because I know how good I can be as a player what do you expect the impact to be of the words that you've shared I'm hoping it helps people will it help you a young player of the apfa young Player of the Year twice you're playing in the World Cup for England you were

successfully talking a brilliant Tottenham team under Mitzi opotino do you feel now in the place that you're in that you can get back to that level do you feel that what you've done in the last few weeks and months enables you to give you a chance to be able to succeed and be the player that you were back in that 2015 to 2018 period I don't want to be back at that day I want to be better than that I want to be a better player a better person I think like I look back at

that and think yeah like I've done good but I'm not satisfied with that I mean you can't you can't drive your car looking in the rear view mirror you can't hold on to things that happen in the past I'm just looking forward and the journey from here is just exciting for me and I think you can tell that how passionate I am about it and there's I really mean it when I say I'm excited and I've obviously heard these things the first time today and I'm shocked but I'm also inspired by the fact of what

you have been through and sort of where you've got to today you've achieved unbelievable things when you consider those first 10 years of your life and what you had to go through and obviously where you are today you know is is incredible I think what do the next few weeks hold what do you expect the impact to be of the words that you've shared today I'm hoping it helps people uh will it help you it will help me I think it's something that I needed to explain and get off my chest and I wanted to

say in the way I felt was the truth because like I said people write stuff and they can word it however they want and I'm sure they will I'm sure they'll choose headlines from this and choose whatever they want to write to was it clickbait I think they'll use the headlines and you're very skeptical of the media aren't you I noticed about all the young players even when I was playing with England we were very skeptical yeah I think yeah I'm in the media now so I say that with a obviously haven't been a player

no because I've read so many stories about myself that it's not true at all just feel like you've been targeted I wouldn't say I don't know I think I didn't help myself I put myself in stupid positions where it was too easy for them to do that I don't care what they write they can write what they want to do as long as if I help one person to come out and change their life and potentially save their life then that's that's all I need from this you say you don't blame anybody in your life

or what what's gone but there's quite clearly you you've been put in difficult situations and you have been let down at times how much when you sit here today do you feel I should I could have been a lot better myself how much do you think well I could have been guided better I mean I definitely could have been guided but from up until the age of 12 like I said I was kind of raising myself in a way I had like I had no rules like at seven years old most people have a time

they have to be in the house I had a key and I could come back whenever I wanted if I'd had an actual adult who was responsible for that kid and the term like just normal stuff like that like I don't blame my mum for that because like I said like I didn't understand her more and I never really did blame her in that sense I always look at myself first and I was trying to explain this to them at this place that I find it hard to blame anyone else for what I've done because

that's just who I am like I always take responsibility if I'm not playing well I'm the first one like no one will be hard or me than what I am so if something's not going right no matter how many people say I've already judged myself but I don't think you could like the mistakes I've made I've never judged myself from them mistakes I've always judged myself from okay how did I learn from this what did I do and it wasn't always the best that was hard for me but I think from now what I'm doing

is with what I've done over these past few months it's something for me to learn a lot from and to to be proud about because yes I have made mistakes but am I doing the right thing to fix their mistakes am I trying to be the best person I can be I can actually say yes I am I'm trying to help people I'm trying to be the best footballer I can be best professional trying to inspire kids and you know other not even just kids other people I think so yeah I'm proud of who I

am today and I don't blame anyone think a lot of people I think a lot of people for the tough times they create for me because I think that made me a tougher person it made me Brave It Made Me Stronger and it allowed me to overcome challenges that if they were just sprung on me maybe I wouldn't be able to deal with but so I have a lot of people to think because they did help give me the hunger and the passion to keep going and keep fighting and proved them wrong but I think

the main thing for me is I want to prove myself right because I know how good I can be as a player and as a person and it's important for me that this battle against myself I win and I do prove myself that I was right about all these things you've got 12 months left on your contract to Everton how do you think the game will view you now you know are you hoping to hit the ground when I know you're injured at the moment you'll be out for a few more weeks but is it

a case of you thinking I always want to get back into the first team as quickly as possible whatever happens after this year if even before this year if I come back and you know if we decide that it's not the best place for me to be I won't have any hard feelings about that I think for me I know have I ever spoke to you about that yeah me and me and the manager have had some good conversations not so much about football at this point because obviously I'm still injured and stuff I've just

had you know about where I'm at and stuff like that and I've got to say a big thanks to him as well I think for someone that didn't really know me just this to be thrown on him and to be so understanding and let me just understand and we had a good conversation and like I said he was supportive he was understanding as well so are you in his plans for this season did you get that far or was it more just about the personal situation and sort of making sure you were well right now

it's just about getting back on the pitch and showing him what I can do and to talk to her more about what I've done in terms of the rehab and how I'm feeling which is a normal question for people to have I think uh so yeah a lot of talk so far have been about that and then yeah I just need to get back fit which isn't too long the way I'm feeling good in that sense probably another few weeks um and then get back playing enjoying football which is which is what I want to

do so I'm ready for a big season yeah and I'm more prepared to deal with any challenge that that comes with it have you spoken to any of your teammates in the dressing room about what's been going on in the last few months yeah so it was always a a bit of a not awkward one but I didn't know if they knew where I was or but then when I come back they only started like a couple days ago yeah but obviously I came in early because I was injured and had some good conversations and

the people I spoke to are so supportive about it and understanding and happy I think because they knew me as a person you know no matter what anyone else thinks on the outside they don't know me they knew where my heart was and you know I think they just wish the best for me so for me to open up and I was being more open with them and truthful uh even with my old teammates yeah I met with some of them before I went there some people from Tottenham and just to kind of tell them

where I was going why I was going there because obviously we had some amazing years together and I guess they were probably wondering like what's going on as well I mean hopefully maybe after this they'll understand a little bit more but yeah yeah some I'm happy with the support I'm getting is there anything else that you'd like to say Obviously today is sort of what I've heard is I'd say it's unbelievably shocking to me obviously having worked with you but is there anything else that you'd like to say I think again just to reiterate the

fact that people don't need to be scared of things I think change is always hard and when something's uncomfortable and difficult you get a feel and you get scared and you get the fear but when you have that feeling that's the exact time that you need to jump and go for it because at the other side of fear and change it's usually only positive things hopefully me talking about my experiences is helpful to them so but look Delia I I don't think you'll ever know the full extent of how much you'll have helped people by

speaking about this because the impact that you'll have on a lot of people are listening will be incredible I think you will encourage people just how you've spoken how open honest you've been to go out and share their vulnerability and and seek help so you know it's incredible what you've told me today um thank you very much for speaking to me and I wish you all the very best honestly thank you thank you [Music] [Applause] foreign