Here’s my #1 Strategy for Dealing with Overwhelm | Mel Robbins

The tool that I'm going to give you is something that I use all the time I call it a brain dump okay it's so simple it cost you nothing you can do it several times a day anybody can use this and here's what you're going to do you're going to take out a blank piece of paper I don't care if it's lined or it's printer paper or it's the flip side of a bill that you just paid and you're going to take that piece of paper and you are Going to vomit everything on that paper

that is in your brain absolutely everything okay and you can just dump it all out there and if you want to get fancy pants with this you can draw a line down the center of the paper and you can write important stuff on the left and [ __ ] I can do later on the right okay but you don't even need to do that I'm just adding that in there because I know a lot of our listeners are very very very like kind of I like To keep things organized M no problem you can add

a little Pizzazz to your brain dump I personally I'm so scatterbrained with the ADHD that I just need a blank piece of paper and I just dump it all down there and so let me think about today what would be on my list oh um packing for Boston Calling my daughter to remind reminder that it's uh dinner at 7:30 I got to check in for the plane ticket I got to make sure that um Uh oh I haven't even looked at the weather yet so I don't even know what to pack for Boston I don't

know what it's going to be like in New York when we land there Saturday to support another friend who's doing this concer concert oh I didn't even pick up my ADHD prescription yet and I need to get that on the way out of town and so you can see that just like you I suffer from not only legitimate overwhelm right now but I also have a case of Lifestyle Overwhelm that I overwhelm myself because I manage all this crap on my head so you feel a sense of Lifestyle overwhelm brain dump everybody get it out

of your head and get it down on a piece of paper because when you can get it down on a piece of paper you can be more strategic about creating a system to get it done and it feels so good to do this when you're managing all this stuff in your head H this is why going for a walk With a friend is so therapeutic not only are you outside but as you're walking and talking you know what you're doing your brain dumping you're getting all that stuff that you've been ruminating about out into the

air and when you get it out on a piece of paper by doing a brain dump like just pour it all out there that's what you need to do I I was about to tell you 15 other things that just came to mind because what what starts happening when You do a brain dump is it's sort of like pulling a thread on a sweater that sucker just keeps on going so don't be surprised if there are some days that you fill three pages so now what do you do now that you've dumped it all out

on a piece of paper you're going to take a highlighter and you're you're going to highlight the three things that you must do today these are your priority this is what's important so What are the three things I need to do today I need to pick up my prescription I need to pack for Boston and I need to work on this eulogy those are the only three things that matter and you want to know something fascinating about life is that if you just can dump everything out and you can highlight the three things that really

matter that you get to them today if there's an emergency or if something else is a true Priority have you ever noticed it gets your attention anyway if one of your kids is sick or a friend needs you they call if you have to fill up the tank of gas you'll realize when you get in the car and it's on empty like mine often is because my son borrows the car and never fills the car back up um if you realize you've run out of milk you'll realize it when you open up the fridge and

you'll deal with it but it's not really that important it's not life Or death it's not a big thing you need to pick the three things that are the actual priority so lifestyle overwhelm brain dump highlight the three things that actually matter and that's how you beat that lie that everything's important because when everything's important nothing is and you get to say what's important so pick those things all right our next question is from Cindy and Cindy's overwhelm comes from the fact that she says yes to everything I can't wait for you to hear the

LIE she's telling herself because I think you're going to relate to this one too hi Mel this is Cindy do you have a strategy for not overcommit for daily tasks it sounds so ridiculous when I type it out but it really is destructive and Sparks feelings of failure when I cannot accomplish all I believe I should be able to handle in a single day thanks so much oh oh Cindy I love you Cindy I relate to you too you have a case of Lifestyle overwhelm you have perfectionism and you also put a ton of pressure

on yourself and there's this huge lie that we overachievers tell ourselves you want to hear it there's so much more I should be doing everybody's doing more than me I should be doing more I need to do more here's the truth you need to do what needs to get done and the rest does not matter and so here is the rule that we're going to build upon imagine that you do the brain Dump your problem is you highlight everything that you just dumped on a piece of paper and so I'm going to give you this

tool it's called the rule of three there are only three things that actually matter and I often say to myself when I start getting a case of Lifestyle overwhelm when I'm trying to add things to the to-do list when I'm putting pressure on myself to do more when I feel weird that I'm like kind of done with what needed to get done and Now I don't know what to do with myself so I feel like I should do more Mel it doesn't [ __ ] matter it doesn't matter I'll give you I'll give you an

example this happened to me last night so last night I was scurrying around with a case of Lifestyle overwhelm because I'm trying to get through my to-do list and I'm realizing oh my God I don't have any clean underwear for this freaking trip so I've got to do laundry before I have to pack which of course only makes me Feel more overwhelmed so I grab the basket of laundry I tromp tromp tromp up the stairs and as I'm climbing up the stairs to the second floor of our house here in southern Vermont I look up

and all of the walls in the upstair hallway are blank they have a brand new cat of paint on them but there ain't nothing hanging on these walls and I immediately feel will this wave of overwhelm come over me because I don't have any pictures of our Family in our new house and I've always envisioned that we will do a family picture wall on these three walls and I start to think oh my God wait are we going to do uh pictures that are black and white with black frames or should we do those sort

of blowup things that uh wrap the canvas around the things that are sort of like an inch thing and they're colorful and do I do them different sizes or and I start to feel completely overwhelmed and then I start To beat myself up for the fact that I haven't done this that I don't have any pictures identified that I also let my Shutterfly account go because they just moved to a whole thing where now you have to pay in order to have your pictures stored there and I have all my old pictures on Shutterfly and

oh my now I'm beating myself up about that and so now here I am with a load of laundry I have put the basket down I didn't even realize I did and I'm looking at all Three walls having a panic attack about these freaking pictures and this project that doesn't [ __ ] matter pick three things three things Mel the rule of three the only thing that matters is getting the stam laundry done so that you have underwear to wear while you are delivering a eulogy and you need to I don't remember what the third

thing was yesterday but I think I got it done it doesn't [ __ ] matter Mel so don't get overwhelmed about what the third thing Was yesterday you know what the three things are today you got to work on the eulogy you got a pack for Boston and what was the third thing medicine right oh yeah I got to pick up my medicine thank you Amy see I don't even know lifestyle overwhelm I have legitimate overwhelm which means I know that the Dial's cranked up right now and so I also know I need to give

myself a little bit of a break that I am Going to be in this state of feeling amped up until I get through this eulogy that's just the legitimate overwhelm that I'm feeling but I don't need to add on top of that a dose of Lifestyle overwhelm by obsessing over a picture wall that I have not uh done anything about in six months of living here six months okay so that's it that's it okay and the same is true for you lower the pressure lower the pressure and for those of us that have Trouble sitting

still or relaxing you got to be really careful about lifestyle overwhelm because it will rob you of your ability to be present it will rob you of just being able to sit down and read a book or go out into your garden and weed or pick up a phone and make a date to go meet a friend for coffee and that's how this creeps into your whole life this lie that you say that you got to be doing more no you don't the whole point Of this is to enjoy your life and catching yourself when

you get a case of Lifestyle overwhelm and reminding yourself of the rule of three that will help you lower the pressure focus on what matters and create more time to just chill and enjoy your life okay so Leela is up next and I love this cuz she listened to the episode we recently did that you guys loved holy cow it was one of the most shared episodes on Spotify I'm so glad You got a lot out of it and a lot of you responded to the fact that I connected your habit of procrastinating to the

fight ORF flight response that we have when we get stressed out you know how when you get stressed you have that fight flight or freeze procrastination is a form of freezing and so that episode is procrastination the only way to stop procrastination based on Research again We will link to it in the show notes and Leela had a follow-up question on that and here it is Mel this is a huge thank you I'm an artist and also I procrastinate and I get stressed freeze and then end up doing nothing I heard what you said on

the procrastination episode and I think wearing the stress backpack is super heavy right now and I plan to shed it today I need to manage my time better so now I need to figure out how to get back to my easel and Start painting I can't wait for your next episode thanks so much Leela hey it's Mel and I just want to talk to you since you're watching this on YouTube first of all thank you for being a fan of the Mel Robbins podcast you have made us one of the top ranking podcasts in the

entire world um please make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel because it's your support that allows our team to bring this to you at zero Cost and so that's really important and I don't want you watching this on YouTube while you're driving a car will you take me with you um by subscribing to the Mel Robbins podcast on your favorite podcast platform Apple Spotify Amazon music Stitcher you can listen on Audible anywhere that you listen to podcasts please subscribe to the Mel Robin show it really matters for for a growing show like ours and

allows us to continue to bring you all this great Stuff at zero cost okay let's go back to the show Lela I'm so happy you're on our walk today with me and that you shared that because procrastination is a form of Lifestyle overwhelm and in case you haven't listened to that episode yet as you're taking this walk with us when Leela said stress backpack she's using a term that I used in that episode to basically say All those things that are going on in your life the things that are causing you stress whether it's conscious

or subconscious you literally carry it around with you as if all that stress is in a backpack Joanie my friend who was caring for her mom backpack of stress everybody that you've heard on our walk today the demands of their life the pressure that they're putting on themselves all of that is a stress backpack and you have have one too and What happens when you feel really stressed out is you can start to freeze and then what happens when you freeze and you push things off and you procrastinate you get stuck in lifestyle overwhelm you're

in this vicious cycle of pushing things off and then beating yourself up and then feeling overwhelmed because you're pushing things off that you really want to get to and so what is the tool here because there's a huge lie that you tell yourself when you Procrastinate okay okay and I can hear it and the lie that we tell ourselves is I can handle this all in my head that if I think about it I'm working on it not true not true it's one of the reasons why I use that tool of a brain dump all

the time to get it out of my head to not manage it in my head because if it spins in my head it turns into rumination and nothing gets done just like those blank walls those pictures are not getting done by me spinning thoughts about it And so the real thing I want you to understand is that if it truly matters you have to schedule it things that matter end up in your calendar and so one tool that I want you to use Leela is ask yourself this this is a journaling prompt that you can

use everybody that I just love how can I make this easy how can I make this easy what's the simplest way that you can make it easier to paint and for me I'm going to share with you I have to do the Things that are important first thing in the morning it's not that I'm not an evening person it's that by the end of the day I am so wiped out and just gassed I don't have the stamina or The Willpower or the energy to force myself to do things that require energy um you know

David goggin who I just love he has his alter ego goggin goggin pushes himself and has a mental discipline and I freaking love that but I don't want to set up my life so that every night I've Saved the thing that really brings me joy I have to like summon up what what what researchers call we've talked about this in other episodes It's called activation energy chick mentm High who's a famous psychologist from the univers University of Chicago studied uh motivation and flow States extensively and realize that this resistance that we feel to doing things

that we've put off that requires activation energy and getting out of bed Pushing yourself to paint for me it's exercise and if I put off exercise till the evening it's not happening it takes me a hundred times more energy to drag my ass to that pelaton treadmill at night than it does to drag my ass to that pelaton treadmill in the morning and so ask yourself how can I make this easy maybe you need to do it at night maybe that is easier for you maybe you need to do it in the morning maybe it's

the weekend or maybe you need to if you Can afford it you need the structure of a painting class one of the ways that I jump started exercising and I realize not everybody can afford this but one of the ways I jump started exercising was to start taking classes again because I would pay for it and then I was motivated to go and I knew once I got there I could Outsource the motivation to the instructor that would be yelling at me maybe you need a friend to do this with you or you need somebody

that's Going to be your accountability partner and be really annoying on Saturday morning and text you and be like hey did you paint yet I'm not meeting you for a walk until you did and you can trade that kind of thing like I think a lot of you know for example that I uh do a lot of the ice baths you know where you climb into a really cold barrel of water uh or you jump into an icy Pond or River up here in Vermont or you take a cold shower do you know how I

make it easy I Do it with Chris my husband Chris is like living with a monk the dude is so stoic he just kind of climbs right in there no big deal he shames me into doing it that's how I make it easier he goes in first now I'm like oh God now I got to do it but if I have to do it myself it's hard and so that's what I want you to understand procrastination creates overwhelm and chronic procrastination creates a vicious cycle that becomes lifestyle overwhelm and so Understand that and that's huge

that you understand that and then the second thing I want you to do is remember get it out of your head don't manage it there it's got to get scheduled in real time and then ask yourself how can I make this easy because you can and there's no reason why the things that you need to do have to feel so hard and the reason why they feel so hard everybody is because we're not taking the time to go okay first of all am I in A lifestyle overwhelm situation where I need to be kinder to

myself and I need to have more compassion for myself and I need to keep reminding myself that this is a marathon and I need a little bit of stamina and I'm not going to be able to get to everything I remember when I was doing the talk show I had this experience where um my whole most of my team came from Oprah Winfrey's uh talk show and from her organization and so I surrounded by all these people that were Super super experienced and my executive producer arranged for me to uh talk to um a really

really famous talk show host uh who show is no longer on the air and this guy spent a couple hour or spent like an hour talking to me and I'll never forget what he told me he said Mel being a daytime talk show host doing doing 175 shows in 6 months this is a marathon he said the most important thing that you could do is protect your stamina and be kind and Patient with yourself and you're not going to be able to live your normal life you're not going to be able to go out to

dinner with friends because if you tape three shows in a row at CBS broadcast Center 4 days a week you are not going to have energy and by way you can't afford to get sick because the show must go on and so right now tell your family and your friends that you love them but you're about to go into a bunker right now and You are about to focus on this and then when you come up for air you will be able to focus on having fun again and being with everyone else and I think

there are times in your life like that maybe you're studying for a dissertation maybe you are in the middle of applying to medical school maybe you're going through a divor or you've lost somebody that you love and you're grieving that is a moment of legitimate Overwhelm and the best thing that you could do is identify it call it out for what it is and be kinder to yourself and remind yourself that if you are you'll have the stamina to move through this and you will move through this and there will be a time in your

life where you will will not feel this way but for now it's about putting yourself first and for those of us that are also struggling with lifestyle overwhelm it's okay you now know and now You have free proven research back tools that you can use you got your brain dump you got your rule of three remember it doesn't [ __ ] matter you can do the photos later nobody cares but you and make it easier make it easier that's it and this stuff is so powerful like it it works so quickly you don't realize how

quickly you could break out of overwhelm because like me you've probably been stuck in this vicious cycle for so long that it's just the air you breathe but There is something so much better that's available to you you can create a better life and that's why I wanted you to hear from a listener name Michelle last and pay attention to the joy and the lightness in her voice I wanted to invite Michelle on this walk with us because I want you to know that this is available to you when you finally Take Back Control and

you stop letting overwhelm run your life holy [ __ ] Mel I just listened to your podcast on Procrastination and it changed everything you're the first person I've heard talk about money anxiety oh my God in a way that resonated with me and you know what I paid a credit card bill today that was six months late I was in freeze mode and when you said that on the podcast I burst out crying I mean it was like a gut punch and you thaw me I paid that damn bill this morning and all of a

sudden I realized I have more time on my hands like I was sitting there Wondering what I was supposed to do I had energetic time because I've been thinking about this bill for 6 months I've been torturing my myself and holding myself back from my greatness it's like 5 4 3 2 1 I mean what if it doesn't have to be hard what if I can do the damn thing thank you so much Mel I'm really forever grateful oh Michelle I'm forever grateful and I'm really proud of you and the thing I want to really

highlight Because I can hear the energetic freedom I can hear how light you are and what I want to point out is until you do the damn thing you don't realize how much thinking about something and avoiding it and feeling overwhelmed by it how much it's robbing you of energy I relate to that because I feel that way about that damn picture wall and I've gone through periods of my life where I didn't pay my bills cuz I couldn't pay my bills but I thought about my bills All the damn time overwhelm is torture feeling

like you're stuck in a vicious cycle where you got to do more you got to move faster or you got to put this it's just pressure and it's keeping you stuck there and so now you know the truth you can focus you can prioritize you can use the rule of three and just focus on doing the important things not everything is important and when you stop acting as if it is you will able to Get done what needs to get done see overwhelm goes away the minute you start to take control and that usually happens

honestly with a simple pen and a blank piece of paper that's it do the brain dump pick three things tell yourself that doesn't [ __ ] matter today remind yourself that anything that is an emergency bubbles its way to the top and always ask yourself how can I make this easier how can I take the pressure off how can I do the damn thing and just Pick one of those three and get started 54321 pay that bill make that call write that next paragraph roll out that yoga mat pick up that guitar or for me

write that eulogy and then on the plane ride home log into Shutterfly and see if you can find all of those photos that used to be stored there do what you've been avoiding follow the rule of three and give yourself a [ __ ] break if you're feeling legitimate overwhelm because it Will be over but you have a choice over whether or not it's your lifestyle anymore and for crying out loud stop telling yourself those four lies no you can't handle it in your head no rushing won't make you fit it all in and no

everything's not of equal importance and know you don't need to do more in fact you need to do a lot less you just need to do the things that really matter to you and when you do that you my friend are going to get your Life and all of that energetic time back and I so want that for you I feel better I hope you feel better I wish you were here so I could give you a hug you know after a great walk with a friend you give each other a hug you're like okay

when are we doing this again we doing this yeah you know when we're doing this again we're doing this on Thursday and between now and then I want to make sure I tell you I love you I believe in you and I believe in your Ability to really focus on what matters to you and go create a better life for yourself why go through life torturing yourself why allow your mind to dwell in worries about things that either haven't happened or problems that haven't resulted yet or situations that are beyond your control why do this

and I'm here to tell you I don't want you to do this and I want to bring in some spirituality real quick because there is This saying in Buddhism that I think is so beautiful and it's so relevant to what you and I are talking about right now you ready so in Buddhism any time that you or I suffer from some kind of misfortune and The Misfortune might just be that you haven't heard from somebody in a couple days or it might just be that you got a bad annual review at work or it might

just be that you suddenly got a Bill or a diagnosis that scares The Living Daylights out of you okay anytime that a human being suffers some kind of Misfortune in life there are two arrows that get f you ready the first Arrow hits you when the painful event occurs so this is the arrow that gets fired at you like right in your heart and for me this morning as small of an example of as it Is grabbing my phone looking for my daughter's location seeing a rainbow wheel instead of some sort of location at a

hostel thinking about the fact that that I haven't heard from her since I saw the sunrise photo two days ago that moment ooh was an arrow your arrow might be that somebody breaks up with you it might be the number on the scale it might be again that bill that just arrived and you're Like I don't have $1,000 to fix my car right now it might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into it might be that um you get you start coughing and you're really worried about something going on

because there's something that is a health diagnosis in your family there is the first Arrow boom hits right the second arrow that gets fired is your reaction to what just happened It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think next and when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time the research shows you get at least three or four a day that triggers you to worry the worry the anxiety the catastrophizing that is the second arrow and it causes you so much pain and

I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that They've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain Pathways in your brain and I love this visual of the two arrows in life right that anytime you suffer Misfortune boom two Arrows fly in the air the first one is fired by life it hits you right in the heart and the second arrow is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead it's your reaction and that adds pain and this is

Also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in Psychology what psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response so your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happen or a fear of yours or some sort of expectation that you have the secondary emotion that you feel this is the thing that lingers is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it so Examples of this might be that when somebody dies you have a Primary Emotion of profound shock and sadness and despair it's that

just Avalanche that hits you but the secondary emotion is the grief that can last a long time and what we know based on Research is that you don't really have a lot of control on the Primary Emotion but there are tremendous there are a tremendous number of things that you can do in order to Shorten the experience of the secondary emotion that you have and that's what we're talking about we're talking about that second Arrow the pain you cause yourself and we're talking about it specifically based on the pain that worrying and catastrophizing assuming the

worst what that's doing to your health to your mindset to your nervous system to your attitude and to your ability to experience more joy and fulfillment in your life and that's why I'm on a mission today to both stop myself from firing that second Arrow at my forehead and interrupt it grab it out of the air so that I can assume something really good is happening I can assume that it's all going to work out and I can stop torturing myself with all this [ __ ] that I'm making up anyway and I want you

to do the exact same thing all right so let's take a quick pause I'm not going anywhere don't worry this is all going to work out I'll be Right back welcome back it's your friend Mel and you and I are sitting here and I was just confessing to you that I did a whole worry spiral this morning and I'm teaching you one of my favorite tools the six sentence word what if it all works out we need to know that it is painful to stand there and be terrified that you're going to uh not be

able to say goodbye to somebody that you love because you're scared of flying and now You're sitting in an airplane seat and when you say to yourself what if it all works out you know what it's like it's like okay life just fired an arrow at you and I want you to stop and think right now okay what is an arrow that life fired at you and think about something going on in your life right now and in order to get you thinking about this I'm going to bring in our global audience because I knew

I wanted to talk about this so we put up Something on Instagram real quick and you guys respond like oh my gosh moths to a flame it's incredible I love you and I asked what would your life be like if you didn't worry about anything and what are you worrying about right now and so let me tell you some of the arrows that life is throwing at people um I'm scared of flying this is syvia and um I always worry because I feel out of control that I'm going to die on the plane flight and

here's the Second Arrow you ready that she's firing what if I can't say goodbye what if this is it that's the second Arrow it's fine to be afraid of flying but why are you torturing yourself with all these horrible thoughts instead I want you to reach up and grab that second arrow that you're aiming at yourself with your worries in midair I want you to yank it out of the air by going what if it all works out what if this plan lands what if I not only get to see all these People that I

love and say goodbye but I'm the last one standing in my family I outlive them all what if it all works out here's another one Maggie annual reviews are coming up boom that's an arrow in the heart that's the first Arrow it is nerve-wracking that's true but why does Maggie need to go what if I get fired what if I'm the one that gets laid off what's going to happen to my kids how am I going to pay for groceries That is the second Arrow that's why you need what if it all works out you

reach up you grab it you grab it you grab it grab it here's another one here's a really really important one from Gabby I'm going through a divorce boom Arrow straight to the heart even when you know it's the best thing it's still painful isn't it that's what happens in your life but the second Arrow what if I never ever have the life that I actually want You got to stop that [ __ ] from hitting your head you got to stop firing that stuff right at yourself that's why you got to reach up with

these six words what if it all works out what if it all works out what if getting divorce is painful but it's the best thing that ever happened to me what if this divorce is really challenging right now but I'm going to emerge stronger and a better version of myself and my kids are going to be better and that's going to open The door to me being in a healthier more supportive relationship what if this is the best thing that ever ever happened to me even though it's the hardest thing that ever happened to me

isn't that awesome this is how you stop firing that second Arrow at yourself here's another one there are natural disasters in the news all the time in the area that I live in that's an arrow every time you see a natural disaster but why do you have to fire the second one at yourself What if the mudslide takes out my house what if the volcano ER reps here what if the floods come and they wipe out that thing it hasn't happened yet so why on Earth are you causing yourself this pain I'll tell you why

because we're used to doing it this is what we do reflexively life fires an arrow and then we fire the second one and so this is why what if it all works out isn't just putting lipstick on a pig or icing a shitty situation over with some like Positive gloss this is actually using science to combat your shitty habits of torturing yourself this is you intervening with logic because if something bad hasn't happened how does worrying about it help you right now if you don't know what's actually going to happen how does worrying about it

or assuming the worst case going to make things better it's not in fact you experience the pain twice because you experience the anticipation of it and Let's just say you are going to get fired and look I've been fired twice I been literally brought into somebody's office and told I'm doing a terrible job and let go it is the worst and then the second you leave once you get over the humiliation of the whole thing it's the most liberating thing that ever happens to you because you typically only get fired from a job that you

can't stand anyway or that you know that you're not performing in which is the case but I Knew it was coming I just could feel it I tortured myself for a month I didn't need to do that because it didn't change the outcome if anything it made me experience it over and over and over and I'll tell you anticipating it way worse than what actually happened if I had just said to myself for those 30 days what if it all works out M what if you do get fired and it's the best thing that ever

happened what if uh you're not going to get fired but this Is a wakeup call for you to step it up and actually start performing a little bit better it allows you to stop experiencing so much pain actually yesterday I I I I did this before I flew to Salt Lake because I was racing around the house I couldn't find my freaking computer charger I couldn't find my passport I couldn't find the bag that I normally put my travel equipment in and I was racing around I was freaking out I was like oh my God

I I only have 15 Minutes for I gotta go what if I don't find and I was like Mel stop what if it all works out what if you suddenly find the charger or better yet you're an adult you can get to an airport and buy a charger so instead of literally firing arrows at yourself you could stop firing it and focus and that's why this is super super super important I'm going to talk about the other reason why it's critical that you not escalate situations with this unnecessary Worrying okay here let me give you

some other ones from our audience um oh Natalie anytime I see somebody else happy boom arrow to the heart that's what's happening around you then she fires a second one what if I'm never going to find my person does worrying about that help you find your person no it actually makes you feel more insecure and this is where I want to go next because here's the Thing there is a profound connection between catastrophizing and aiming these arrows at yourself and the pain that you feel and how it impacts your ability to problem solve to think

clearly this all comes from research out of UCLA from Dr Judith Willis I wrote about this extensively for my research in the high five habit book we interviewed Dr Judith Willis for that book and dug into her research and she is pioneering all of this research around the connection Between your nervous system and the ability for you to do what's called executive function executive function is basically the frontal lobe the prefrontal C cortex part of your brain your forehead basically for those of us uh kind of everyday people it's your ability to problem solve it's

your ability to make strategic decisions it's your ability to think clearly when you start aiming that second Arrow my daughters must have fallen off a cliff I Haven't heard from her something terrible has happened I'm going to get fired I'm never going to be happy again I'm never going to get this weight off and the pain and the pain and the pain that comes with doing that to yourself it sets off the alarm the figh or flight or freeze part of your nervous system the sympathetic nervous system it's called and when the alarm nervous system

is going off it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain It impacts decision- making it impacts your ability to focus it impacts your ability to problem solve and so you're not only firing a second Arrow at yourself which causes so much pain you are also firing that Arrow right into the center of your forehead and it impacts your ability to think clearly to solve a problem and here's why this is important let's just say for those of you that are really skeptical and you're like but yeah but but but Mel what if Something bad does

happen what if what if your daughter did fall off of a cliff and she's laying there with a broken clavicle and and she needs help I'll tell you what if I don't hear from her in 72 hours I need to move into problem solving mode right is it going to help me solve a problem halfway around the world if I've shot an arrow into the center of my forehead and I've worked myself into such a state that I can't think clearly uh no and so even if the Worst wor case scenario that you're terrified about

happens your ability to face it to problem solve through it to think clearly about your options it is severely impaired by this constant worrying that you are doing and that's why this is so important what if it all works out it doesn't guarantee that it will it guarantees that you will stay calm that you will stay focused that you will stay present and that you will stay positive until you know otherwise and That's everything all right I'm going to hit the pause real quick I got to run to the bathroom because I have a feeling

that I'm going to be talking to you right up until the time I got to race out of this hotel room to go give a speech don't go anywhere I got more that I want to share with you including a lot of really cool research stay with me welcome back it's your pal Mel and we're talking about the six words that I use that magically just boom silences the Worry spiral and my anxiety what if all works out okay and another thing I'm going to confess to you is that until I stumbled on this what

if it all works out I didn't realize how much I was doing this to myself I basically walked around life with a second arrow in my head because I was constantly worried about something constantly thinking something bad was going to happen and you know some of the experts that we've had on this podcast that talk about Trauma or talk about the impact of growing up in a chaotic household or experiencing abuse or being the kind of person that felt like as a kid you were always waiting for the other shoe to drop you were super

hypervigilant this is very very common for people like us that is me miss looking around the corners what what what what is the bad thing that's going to happen anticipating things and what I'm here to tell you is that if you Start to really lean into what I'm talking about which is how you aim the second Arrow at your forehead and you start utilizing what if it all works out to grab the second Arrow yank it out of your forehead and be present in the moment and not escalate things until necessary you can still tap

into your intuition you can still look around corners which is a superpower for you but you don't have to add on the pain that all of the negative thoughts Are creating and there's so much research about this first of all stress can actually lead to physical pain it comes from Dr Arthur Bary who's a professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School where they've done these studies uh about how stress can lead to physical pain and let me tell you something when you start allowing yourself to worry I'm not going to get into college I'm not

going to be finding love uh after my spouse has died or I'm Never going to get this weight off or I'm not going to get control of this when you start doing that to yourself it does cause physical pain and you know this how many times have you been so stressed out or worried that you get a headache or you've been worried before a test and you get nauseous don't you or you start shaking or your stomach is twisting a nuts that's why we say twisting a nuts because that's what it feels like it's physical

pain and a lot Of times it begins from your nervous system getting triggered that's the first arrow and the second arrow is your thoughts so they've done all of this interesting research and what they have been able to prove in studies is that the neural Pathways in your brain that indicate physical pain the same ones light up when you have a painful thought and it is painful to think that you're never going to be happy it is painful to think you're not going to see your loved Ones again it is painful to think that you're

never going to achieve your dreams or that you're never going to amount to something that's why I want you to stop it scientists have also done this really interesting study where they looked at math anxiety so math anxiety is literally just feeling stressed out and worried when you're about to do math problems and the anticipation of doing math prompts a similar brain reaction as when you experience pain and the Researcher who is a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago and the leading expert on math anxiety said that it is the equivalent of burning

one's hand on a hot stove and I love knowing this research because it allows you to stop and go huh it is true because it is painful it's painful to think these thoughts and that's why I want you to really steal these six words from me what if it all works out I also want you to steal this Buddhist teaching and proverb that when Misfortune or stress or something doesn't meet your expectations or something painful happens in your life that is the first Arrow hits you right in the heart but the second arrow is the

one that you fire back at yourself into the center of your forehead based on what you think about what just happened and that's the piece that you have control over yes you will always think negative Thoughts but you don't have to escalate it you don't have to stay there and you can use these six words what if it all works out and logic to pause that spiral and to question your thinking and when you question yourself what if it all works out the fact is it just might right like you don't know you haven't even

entertained that possibility cuz you've been so busy firing arrows at your forehead you didn't even stop to think Well there's a whole different possibility here and based on the research of Penn State 91% of the time that's the possibility so what the hell am I all worked up about because getting worked up as we know based on the research at UCLA and from Dr Judith Willis it doesn't help me and here's the final piece I believe in you and I believe in your ability to face the things that are painful in your life and I

also believe In your ability to problem solve and to rise to these moments where life is painful and life is challenging and if something bad is going to happen I want you to not face it with an arrow in your head I want you to have your full capacity to think clearly to ask for help to solve whatever issue is happening in your life and that's why this is also important it's because between now and whenever something amazing or something Terrible happens in your life you have the ability to be more present and to assume

good intent and assume a positive outcome and that is going to help you both enjoy your life but it's also Al going to help you face things if they do in fact turn out to be hard which we know based on the research is about 6% of the time those are odds I'm willing to play with I'm willing to play with those odds I'm willing to bet that things are okay I'm willing to bet on You and me and our ability to be more positive to be more optimistic to be more trusting and to live

in that space until we know otherwise doesn't that sound like a good idea I think it does too when you train yourself to reach up and grab that second Arrow before it hits your forehead because you don't know you don't know so you might as well coach yourself to think something positive will happen you might as well learn how to default to positive Ideation where you say this could be the best thing that ever happens to me this isn't easy but I trust that I'm going to grow through it I don't know what I'm doing

but I think I can figure it out this is more difficult than I thought it would be but boy am I proud of myself for doing this when you can default to positive ideation I haven't heard from her in two days she must be having the time of her life I haven't heard from her in two days but I saw that Sunrise Which means she's probably so busy with all the friends she made up there because she was also taking photos of other people up there uh she must be so busy she didn't have time

to talk to her mother and wouldn't that be the most amazing thing that could happen if went on a 4-month solo backpacking trip as a 24-year-old woman to be so caught up in the moment that you don't have time to check in at home boy wouldn't that be a beautiful thing and that's what I am Telling myself because that's what I believe is true and research shows that getting your mind to focus on positive thoughts positive outcomes visualizing hey what would it look like if this all works out scientists call this positive ideation it is

so effective in beating down that worry so I want you to try it because hey what if you use these six words and it all works out that would be a beautiful thing I Think this is an area where tons of people struggle and when people write in and say I'm stuck I don't know what to do with my life the first thing is you limit the options you take the indecisive the 31 movies you take them where there's only a couple you don't bring them to a smage board Buffet because they just stand there

go oh my God look at all the food you go eat okay no you limit the options for the indecisive do the math as they say there Are pro and con list also not considered effective but if you do this twist to pro and con list it works you create the pros and L con list and don't just look at which one's longer look at within the list which one which items do you value what's more important the excuse me the U pro list may be short all right but it has things that you value

more than the con and this may sound odd but take your time all right in other words uh make an informed decision don't stall Ponder Pause but produce if you want to walk on water you got to get out of the boat if you want to succeed you've got to take that risk and so what would you fail so what okay okay what happens in your brain when you procrastinate why are you going there okay we just said it's learned why are you looking for the physiological explanation because first of all we don't know okay

all right and I don't mean to do that just because I'm a pump His butt it's it's also the truth let's stop turning for the excuse that you know there's a brain thing going on and and therefore that's why I procrastinate if you're going to do that then you're not going to change and that's okay I mean you have a right to to live in misery uh as one wants to I think it's incredibly encouraging that it's learned because I agree with you that means you can change it and I also heard you loud and

clear forget the time management Crap based on the research none of that stuff is going to work for you if this is something that you're chronically doing and you also said very clearly there is no short list there is no quick fix there is no top 10 tips when it comes to procrastination because this is about the story you've told yourself the habits that you've formed and that you avoid avoid avoid or seek pleasure instead of doing whatever the hell it is that you need to do and it's become a Habit what's the link between

perfectionism and procrastination there is a link but they are separate Concepts it's it all goes down to that failure you see that perfectionistic person has to believe that I do well all the time I've got to be perfect it could be as I said others imposing this to me Society imposing this to me or it could be I'm concerned about my failures so again it's multi-dimensional all right Procrastination is also concerned about the failure and so I want to avoid it avoidance strategy that society says is okay it all has to do with failure and

that Public Image I think a lot about the person listening and the ache that live with when you can't get out of your own [ __ ] way we're in 194 countries most of the people listening either can't afford the PHD cognitive behavioral therapy program that you're talking about and so for a person who Really is aching because they are in their own way they see themselves sabotaging what can somebody that doesn't have access to what you're talking about do in their own life after hearing this how what are the baby steps start small first

of all what you're doing is you're looking at the forest and you're missing that the forest is made up of trees okay you know there's that old expression don't miss the forest because you're focused on the Trees that's not the procrastinator's problem it's the other way around they see the forest oh my God this is a huge task holy cow I can't get all of this done and they forget that the forest is made up of trees so listener viewer all right it's made up of trees and so what if you cut down one tree

at a time oh that's too much for you then let's give me three branches you can't do three branches I'll take a handful of leaves start small do something and so what if You fail so what this is what cognitive therapists would ask you to do what would be the worst scenario let me give you some examples of things that people listening to show ask me to do the street corner street corner therapy no no no no no no I am not you just told us to look at the trees that is a concept and

I am on a mission to break down intellectual topics and research and conceptual ideas Into tactical takeaways so that somebody knows what the hell you're talking about when you say you want the cures I don't want the cures that's [ __ ] what I want is I want just one step because I see people writing in every day listening to conversations between phds or people that are talking at a level that is that is all academic but when you finish listening to this podcast Dr Ferrari I don't want I don't want somebody to feel worse

because they Don't know what a tree means in their life and so if somebody writes in and says I procrastinate on working out and it and and it's chronic like this is one thing that really bothers me what would a tree be in in that example sure I um I take exception I I I'm known in 40 Years of teaching to take the jargon and to make it the street wise I think you do I'm taking it a step further because I don't have a PhD I don't think it is either this is you don't

need to get Offended that's not what I'm talking about I'm just I am I am the advocate for the person listening absolutely and so am I who okay I would say that person is giving us that 80% i' I'd ask the person first is this the only thing is working out the only thing you procrastinate on do you procrastinate in other areas your of your life and if they start telling me well yeah know why I do that and yeah that's true too and I don't like to do that then I say okay Now then

you're moving from that procrastinator to um procrastinating to the procrastinator State and that's something different and I understand that some of you many of you can't afford a good professional to help you through that I understand that um don't look at at time management that's one of the I gave a number of takeaways but I think one of them is don't think you just have to manage your time that's not going to work for you it's like dieting You'll start in the beginning but you'll give it up um the person with the w who doesn't

exercise can you make something you like to do I said this before something you like to do reinforce that you will exercise I don't like working on a treadmill so when I'm on the treadmill I'm reading my prayers I know it'll take me about a good 20 minutes to do that and so I can get at least 20 minutes of exercise pair it with something you don't like to do that Would be my street corner uh answer to that one does that help I think it really helps when you take that beautiful analogy of you

can see the big picture but you can't focus every day on one freaking tree is there something and I I hear all of the advice the parrot was something that you enjoy break it down yeah it's all part of self-care show care to yourself listener please all right you've got to make time you know take time for yourself now the next Day do a little bit more is make love a habit of the heart wow last week I only spent two minutes on it this week I'm up to seven minutes now you could say only

seven minutes I say wow Yahoo that's seven minutes more than you did before how do you know if you're making an excuse or you have a valid reason that is such a wonderful question why are you shopping now instead of later and that was fascinating because I found two categories of these procrastinators um Excus makers some of them attributed to themselves well I'm shopping now because I can't decide on gifts I really don't like shopping it's really unpleasant for me so it's my fault self- reasons so people will give external excuses not my fault that

cannot be verified that cannot be judged by other people so you how do you judge and so therefore uh these people will give us excuses that can't be judged by others to be true or false so that's fascinating you know What I found fascinating about that is that when you said the excuse is aimed at you it's my fault that made my heart sink because when you always aim it at yourself I would imagine that that makes you feel even more stuck or more ashamed or more beaten down yes you know make a change yes

you're absolutely right the self devaluing the self-criticism it can be paralyzing and demoralizing and it's just not right people shouldn't be doing that and it'll take you a while but it Can happen well our daughter Kendall is 23 years old she's a singer songwriter and she lives out in Los Angeles and earlier this year she released her very first single on Spotify and I got to say you showed up I mean this podcast family you are the best thank you thank you thank you for listening to Kendall's single Pastime for sharing it with your friends

you helped that song take off and it's been exhilarating to watch it happen because she's been working really Hard and it feels like now her career is officially begun and it's so thrilling because it seems like she's got a lot of momentum because of the success of the song all kinds of cool things started to happen people in the music industry are reaching out to her and so as I've been watching all this go down over the last couple weeks from the East Coast I'm like oh my gosh she is riding the wave she is

also back in the studio working on some new songs because like you know It's not just one thing that you do that's going to make you successful you got to keep on doing the Reps and so I'm over here on the East Coast while she's on the west coast I'm like yeah go go go and then all of a sudden she gets an email check this out inviting her to come to New York City and perform her new single Pastime at Carnegie Hall holy freaking cow oh my God can you believe this and you're probably

thinking how the heck did she get invited to sing at Carnegie Hall well that's a great question see a year ago she met a bunch of incredible musicians at the Newport Folk Festival and she kept in touch with them one of them reached out and invited her to join them at this incredible concert called the piano recital at Carnegie Hall it happens once a year it's produced by Remy Egan and if you hadn't heard about it no big deal the piano recital is a bunch of renowned musicians so like the biggest name there Mandy Moore

and side note Kendall grew up listening to Mandy Moore I mean she calls Mandy Moore her quote Musical mom because she had Mandy Mor's album wild Hope on repeat I mean played that sucker into the ground so at the piano recital at Carnegie Hall all these renowned musicians show up they perform two of their original songs but get this the only instrument that accompanies them is a piano hence it's called the piano recital it's a super cool intimate Stripped down thing and so when Kendall told me my first reaction was like oh my God portal

is open universe is conspiring holy Smokies I cannot believe it and the second that she called me I mean you can already guess what I was like I was like all over it I was so excited for her I was ready to book her a plane ticket invite our friends and our family and make dinner reservations I started to change all of my work commitments so That I could drive down and obviously be in New York when our daughter steps on stage at Carnegie Hall right cuz obviously she was is going to jump in and

do it and this was happening in 7 days from the email invitation like this was game on we are in the starting Gates let's freaking go and so of course I'm like yeah she's going to reply immediately with a yes thank you because these were all of her friends and musicians that she had met the summer Before and they were asking her to do this event and in fact one of them in particular his name is Phil cook I'll talk about him a bit in this story he's been like a mentor and a friend to

her had already greased the wheels because she had said hey look dude I've already arranged Pastime For You on the piano we're good to go I'll send the arrangement to you I'll accompany you on stage it's going to be awesome so the second she told me about the invitation I'm like game freaking on let's freaking go that was not her reaction her reaction was not let's go it was oh hell no and she let that invitation of a lifetime sit there unanswered for 24 Hours what what I was speechless I I I couldn't even understand

how anyone could stop and think about an opportunity like that I mean you're a singer songwriter you get this invitation like your friend is why wouldn't you just say oh hell yes oh my God thank you I'm on it let's freaking go mom book the plane tickets Get some reservations call our friends and family and I want to slow down this part of the story and truly unpack this moment with you because it's a moment that you've experienced before so I'm really going to describe it so you can see it it's a moment where someone

in your life isn't reacting the way you thought they should to what you think is good news it's a moment where someone in your Life isn't jumping all over something that you see as this incredible opportunity I know you've been there with someone that you love in this moment and maybe it's happening in your life right now someone in your life you know they're looking for a new job and you just met the perfect person for them to network with and so you give the contact information and the email and the phone number to this

person that you love and they Do nothing or someone in your life wants to get in shape and you asked them oh my gosh you're so excited you're like let's do this 30-day challenge together so you text them and say Here's the start date for the challenge maybe you've sent them this awesome personal trainer that you love that you stream classes from or you told them about the CrossFit box that is in your community that people love and they Do nothing or the person in your life says that they want to cut back on their

drinking and yet there they are at dinner I think I'll have a uh bourbon Manhattan or maybe the person that you love has said oh I really want to go back to school I want to apply to nursing school and you forwarded them this email about this really cool program that you Saw and you can't understand why they haven't acknowledged it why haven't they done it why is this person that you care about that you see all this potential and why are they not moving on this opportunity and the more time that passes have you

noticed you're now in the deep end emotionally because you start to get frustrated and you have all these Opinions about what they should do and the opportunity to just grab Life by the horns and try out for that travel team or apply to that program or do that thing it's right there and they do nothing when are they going to do something about this I mean isn't this what they wanted and let's really play This Moment out someone you love turns to you and says to you you know it's time I I need to find

a new Job and that declaration I need to find a new job it opens up this window of time and a day goes by and then a week goes by and then a month goes by and then there they are standing in their boxers eating a waffle at 9:45 on a Wednesday morning and you're thinking when are you going to get going on this I mean why do I care about this more than you why are you eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning when you could be Looking for a job and your anger is

rising and you're getting judgy and you're biting your tongue and you're kind of angrily washing the dishes you've done that before right where you're trying to like signal to somebody that you're mad that they haven't done something in a month like it's the worst and for 24 hours that was the moment with me and our daughter this opportunity was there and I could feel feel the judgment and anger Rising of me why are you not replying yes to this email and with every hour that goes by I'm getting mad and I'm trying not to send

a text you know those texts where you're like just send that that just reply this come on ju just jump in you're like stop because I'm thinking over here you got to be kidding me and it begs the question why am I getting mad I'll tell you why I'm getting mad it's the same reason why you get mad at the people that you love Because you see the potential you see the possibility you believe believe in them you know how great they are and it's a bummer when somebody that you love is not rising to

the occasion with the same confidence in themselves that you have for them and so I bite my lip and I did a really good job you would Pat your friend Mel Robins on the back because for 24 hours I didn't say anything and then I couldn't stand it anymore I Couldn't stand it anymore and now I'm starting to get text from her friend Phil like hey I can't wait to see you and I'm like she hasn't even responded yet and so I called her and I said are you going to respond to this she exploded

at me just like your husband would explode at you as he's standing there in his boxers eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning and you're like are you g to send out that resume he would explode at you because Everybody hates being called out and you're not even calling them out directly what everybody hates is being reminded that you're bigger than your fears what everyone hates is being reminded that you're avoiding something that you know you want to do and my daughter no different than anyone else and you know what she said she's like stop

pressuring me I I think you want this more than I want this I think you dream of me being a successful Singer because you want this for me I think this is about you you're arguing with the wrong person I was like whoa wait a minute I am living my dream already I thought this was your dream to be a singer songwriter performing your songs on some of the biggest stages in the world and then she said well the problem mom is you just assumed I would say yes and I'm like of course I did

and then I said the two most important words I'm confused I'm confused please explain to me how it is that you've always wanted to be a singer songwriter you do all of this work to get into the number one program in the world for this the popular music Major at USC you do all of this work to write record and release your own single Pastime as an independent artist you have all of this incredible momentum you are doing all of the work you get an Invitation from people who you love who are here to support

you and help you and even arrange the piano part of it so you can sing your new song at Carnegie Hall I'm confused how is this not a yes she had a very compelling answer it wasn't a yes because she was afraid intellectually it makes no sense right emotionally it makes all the sense in the World that's the disconnect intellectually you see somebody's potential but the person that you love isn't living intellectually they're living in their emotions and she felt Unworthy of the opportunity she wasn't sure she was ready it wasn't lack of Desire that

was in her way it was fear and the paralysis that it creates and then she started to explain like all the stuff that was going on in her mind and in her emotions like I don't deserve This are my friends who have been working so hard in their music careers is going to think like why did this happen for me what if I screw this up I don't think I'm ready for this like this is happening too fast and this was an enormous takeaway for me and for you about relationships because you and I easily

see the potential in people that we love and we forget that the people that we love are so overwhelmed by their fears and Insecurities we're the same way people that love us see our potential there are plenty of things that you know you should and could be doing but you're not and just like you're frustrated with the people that you love standing there in his boxers with the waffle not sending out the resumés there are things that you have said that you've wanted in your life that you're not working on either and that's why when

you love someone and they've declared their goals Or their dreams or their desires or their wants to you out loud whether that's getting a new job or being healthy or cutting back on drinking or running a marathon or growing their business or building a music career if someone tells you what they want and they're not doing anything about it or they don't seize the obvious opportunities in front of them you have a right to feel confused and I'm here to remind you and Ask you to hold space for what your loved one wants to be

a loud advocate for what they want so that you can help them push through the fear I want you to remind them of their potential and of the possibility and why it's worth it to push through the emotion and work for it and this is a very different way of approaching it than pressuring somebody this is not about telling somebody what to Do I mean I know from experience and I'm sure you do too that pressuring somebody or telling somebody what to do is the fastest way to get them not to do it right they

will do the opposite so I've already given you a phrase that you can use to help bring Clarity without judgment to a situation where someone that you love has declared what they want but you don't see them doing anything or you see them backing away from the opportunity Use the phrase I used I'm confused lead with that phrase because when when you come from a place of confusion you're not attacking someone else you're basically putting the spotlight on you I'm confused here you're gently pointing out that their behavior is not matching what they said they

wanted here's an example you know I heard you say you wanted to find a new job and I'm confused cuz I don't know what you're doing about it do you need some help or Here's another example I heard you say that you wanted to lose 40 PBS and I'm confused cuz I haven't seen you exercising in the last few weeks do you need some support and then let them talk and here's a piece of advice when you let them talk after you say I'm confused I want you to imagine that they're literally going to throw

up on you because you've just poked the Beast And if fear or insecurity has paralyzed the person you love the fear and insecurity is going to come out of their mouth first and attack you so when you go I'm confused you're going to hear I'm so it's going to be like excuses defensiveness I'm busy how dare you and just keep going anything else yeah oh yeah yeah that you have been busy yep anything else mhm mhm anything else Because what finally will come out is the truth and the truth is that either they know what

they want but they're scared or they know what they want but they don't know how to get started I mean that was Kendall's response she was drowning in insecurity impostor syndrome and fear and when somebody is in the deep end emotionally you need to throw them a lifeline and here's how you do it and This is life lesson number one from this random evening that I spent in New York City four words it's not that deep it's not that deep because somebody deep in their emotions needs to be yanked out of the emotions and so

I want you to use those four words it's not that deep see when Kendall started talking about her it's Carnegie Hall oh my God it's New York it's this it's in seven days you can hear how you start to just Swirl right Kendall it's not that deep but Mom it's cardial um I'm still here to say it's not that deep it's an auditorium that happens to be on the corner of 57th and 6th in a town called New York City it's not that deep in fact you didn't even know that the piano concert was happening

until you got got this email it's not that deep cuz no one else knows about it either and by the way if you Don't post about it on social media or invite any of your friends and family nobody that you know will be there it's not that deep and besides you've been performing in front of audiences for 15 years it's not that deep one of your mentors is performing with it's not that deep and as I kept saying this phrase It's not that deep she laughed she's like you're right I'm letting my emotions get the

Best of me it's not that deep and she wrote them back and said yes and this is a reminder that every situation in life doesn't need to be so damn serious everything that you face doesn't need Decades of trauma therapy to get through it the stakes don't need to be so high all the time but it is so easy isn't it to get yourself worked up in the emotional deep end of your own mind and body and that's why you need this lesson Number one it's not that deep and I have to credit Kendall because

she's the one that actually taught me this phrase It's not that deep Mom it's not that deep and now I'm using it back on her which I love even more and even hearing myself say those four words it's not that deep it gives me the space when I said it to her it's not that deep dude that look Mel it's not that deep if she doesn't want to go to New York this coming week and and perform at Carnegie Hall you Don't have to do it it's not that deep there will be other opportunities you

don't need to worry about this it's not that deep it relaxes them it relaxes you it lowers the stakes it allows rational thinking and support to step in because the fact is if she's not ready she shouldn't do it if she doesn't want to do it she shouldn't do it and if she decides not to do it it's not that deep so it also helped me relax into the IDE idea that this is her decision let's Just get the emotions out of the way and there's one more thing I want to point out about this

first lesson and why it's not that deep will really help you no one needs pressure from you they already feel enough of it like let's take the example of looking for a new job that is a stressful experience even if you're excited to find a new job and if you've been laid off and you're looking for a new job that's even more stressful So you need the phrase It's not that deep so you can lower the stakes and keep your composure and your productivity and your momentum and your clear thinking and you can use it's

not that deep to push yourself forward when you start feeling paralyzed like everything is so high stakes no it's not dude it's just a resume it's not that deep it's just an interview it's not that deep it's just a job offer it's not that deep and I can't allow myself to Get into the deep end or I'm G to screw myself over that's why you got to say it's not that deep so you keep working towards something and not paralyze yourself and also so that you can keep your wits about you when things do start

to work out so you don't blow up the opportunity by getting too emotional same thing's true with dating yes it can be very demoralizing to be out in the dating world and to find yourself asking yourself why is everybody I'm meeting Such a loser why does everybody else have a significant other not me when is it going to be my turn to love why don't you start saying you know what it's not that deep the fact is uh you haven't met the person who's good enough for you yet that's why you're still single see it's

not that deep I realize I need to reset so I say to Chris could you just like pull the kids together and could we just do like a little family huddle and so he yells off to the kids because I knew if I yelled they'd be annoyed so he yells and they pause and they wait for us and he goes come here guys and we all kind of stand shoulder Tosh shoulder and Chris just tells us to taking a deep breath and exhale and here we are standing shoulder Tosh shoulder in a circle and just

taking a minute to all breathe in together and slow the pace of this down is exactly What I needed and I'm proud of myself for asking asking for cuz normally I'd just be back there and I'd be suffering in silence so as soon as we were done with our little puddle Oak turns can we go now yep we can go and the kids start heading off and we start following them and as we're hiking this guy starts passing by us he comes up behind us and he's and he's kind of cooking along and he's got

a small backpack on and a long beard and He has this yellow tag on his back backpack and my husband Chris recognizes what the yellow tag is and it is a tag that you have if you are what's called a thru-hiker now a through hiker is somebody who is hiking the entire length of the Appalachian Trail this is somebody who is hiking 2,190 some miles going from Georgia to Maine and so Chris says are you a through hiker and he says yes and he tells us his hiking name he said I've Been on the for

172 days and Kaden is the end of the trail and so we all say congratulations we hope you have an amazing hike up Kaden and finishing the trail and he kind of cooks on past us and it was this incredible moment where you realize somebody was going to be climbing this mountain the same day as us and accomplishing and realizing this incredible dream I mean what an amazing accomplishment to hike the entire Appalachian Trail to be out on the trail for 172 days and for us to be getting up to the top of the mountain

on the same day when somebody who's been doing this and achieving this goal I mean that is so cool and so I felt this like Renewed Energy and I look down at my boots and I'm like giving myself this pep talk and it was just this like amazing cool thing that we experienced I wanted to say you said earlier in terms of the 5sec Roll the easy part is knowing what you need To do um I feel like I've been a little overwhelmed lately what would you say or the biggest piece of advice when you

don't know what you need to do before you save 5 seconds are you talking about work are you talking about life in general or I think all of the above right okay great question how many can relate to this excellent okay so when it comes to work a really great Habit to get into especially as y'all are making this big turn is try to have a quick Alignment me meeting with the person you report to every Monday and just go over what's on your plate and recheck in about what are the Strategic objectives for this

week so that you're aligned with what the person who you're reporting to because I'll give everybody the super simple secret other than visibility for being a rock star at work make your boss's life easier literally you you make the person that you report to's life easier because you're getting Stuff done and you're solving problems and here's the most important thing you're communicating about what's getting done you literally are a superstar because your boss is just as overwhelmed as you are and so if you just touch base even if you can't get a meeting and you

send the 17 things on your plate and you say I'm a little overwhelmed I just want to make sure that I know what the priority is this week because it is changing all The time because they're responding as much as you are that's number one number two at the end of the week on Fridays send a short email saying this got done this got done this got done this got done this got done and here are the things I'm going to need your help with on Monday you keep somebody in the loop like that they

will help you create rails that keep you very focused and feeling more sure about what you're working on okay So that's number one ask for help do not try to figure that out on your own number two when it comes to feeling lost in life and overwhelmed in life always go back to your morning routine always go back to your morning routine and there are two rules that I have for my morning routine everybody hates them nobody follows them it changes your life number one do not sleep with your phone do not sleep with your

phone and the reason why I say do Not sleep with your phone is because we're all addicted to it if you were addicted to cocaine or alcohol you wouldn't put it on your bedside table but you know you literally go to bed and then before you're even out of bed you literally doing this and you're like oh my God oh my God oh my God and like if you're laying in bed reading work emails or looking at Facebook you literally just let your boss sorry Tia and and and And all of your friends on Facebook

walk in your bedroom and more importantly you let the world hijack your mind so before you're even vertical you are stressed out overwhelmed that one change which you're not going to want to do will solve the problem of overwhelm and here's what I do I plug my phone into the bathroom every night because it solves two problems number one when that alarm goes off now I'm Really screwed because it's not next to me so I have to get out of bed number two the phone's not there so as I wake up and I walk to

the bathroom I'm so mad at myself but by the time I get to the bathroom I'm now awake enough that I can turn the alarm off and flip the phone over I don't pick it up I don't do it even if I post things in the morning I do that after I take 30 minutes for myself what do I do in those 30 minutes Well I do all the stuff that you know that makes you feel better I literally journal for a second I move my body this is a life Cher If you literally just

work out for 10 minutes in the morning it's can be enough I eat something healthy I have a cup of coffee I set my intention for the day I think about the one thing I want to make progress on and only then do I then pick up that phone then I let the world in and by Getting myself right with myself and setting myself up and giv myself 30 lousy freaking minutes to start the day to clear my head to think about what I want out of the day to take care of myself just a

little bit now I'm in a better place now I'm able to do it and then there's one more uh exercise that's kind of a spin on the person you want to be so my daughter is 23 and had a really rough time with covid the last two years Of her College imploded because of covid and she left College basically depressed really unhealthy drinking way too much and she like had a meltdown and so she said I sat down with her and her and you know my husband and we just were talking with her and I

said here's what I want you to do if you ever feel overwhelmed or lost I want you to draw a line down center of a paper and I want you to think back when was a moment in my life where I felt Happy and I felt like I was happy about my life was headed and so my daughter said senior year in high school and I said great what were you doing then what was life like then she's like well I was getting up early I was going to school I saw my friends every day

I was playing uh lacrosse so I exercise six days a week I was only drinking two uh nights a week I had something to look forward to I'm like great now let's write down what your life looks like right now oh I'm Sleeping till noon my friends have all left and started their lives I drink every day I'm not exercising I'm like great compare the lists you are wired for happiness you're wired for clarity you are wired for Success it's why you miss it when you don't have it you can only miss something you know

the answers are in there and so like we've said with a lot of the things even though it's overwhelming there are ways simple ways That you can solve this go to your boss start getting aligned get direction and then do what they tell you to do that'll give you the structure right there ask for help always second thing is go inside and take a look at what your habits look like and your days looked like when you felt a little bit more in control when you felt like yourself and then compare with what you're doing

now come back to your morning routine and you will set yourself up to Have a day that feels like you're in control and that'll change everything that was a great question hi you did it yes you did it thank you thank my friend group we're big fans especially we're transitioning just out of college right now so yeah your podcast with Alex was great timing for me what did you get out of that conversation that I had with Alex um I got especially the relationship one I I don't know how you said it but kind of

I need to fix who I Am first because like a relationship is kind of like a mirror of what you're feeling in a way even worse a relationship amplifies with so if you go after that person and you're feeling insecure and so you're chasing that person that's the hot guy and if he only or she or even if the person ends up being with you you're actually going to feel insecure because you didn't enter the relationship feeling good about yourself So you're a th% right work on yourself first because then you bring that to every

relationship and then the relationship is just addtive to you versus amplifying the crap that you're trying to run and I only know that after really screwing things up in my 20s and 30s like literally disaster I would attach myself to people in order to prove that I was okay and it just made me feel worse about myself because I needed them to feel okay so when the Relationship broke up I Crum hey it's Mel thank you so much for being here if you enjoyed that video by God please subscribe because I don't want you to

miss a thing thank you so much for being here we've got so much amazing stuff coming thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family I love you we create these videos for you so make sure you subscribe m